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Talk about sex and the fearful avoidant attachment style, Particularly what makes them actually feel connected during sex? Does sex allow them to actually, over time become more vulnerable and want to invest in a relationship or continue some sort of connection? Do fearful avoidance tend to spend time getting to know somebody, get into a relationship and then sleep with somebody, or does it tend to work in reverse? And what is physiologically and neurochemically happening to a fearful avoidant when it comes to sex and intimacy? I think those are all really important topics because I get a lot of questions about these topics overall. So I want to dive into all of this from the lens of the fearful avoidant attachment style and what they tend to experience. Her name is Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. I hope I pronounce her name properly. Thai Gibson. I am so excited for you to be here with me today. Thank you for joining us. So generally, first and foremost, I want to talk about the fact that there are five major pillars of connection. And I like to look at relationships as being almost holistic and us being able to dive into each of these five pillars and see what's working, what's not working, and what's really happening and how these pillars are interchangeably affecting each other. So if we break down these pillars, they are romantic connection, emotional connection, mental connection, physical connection, and sexual connection. So you can think of the differences between physical and sexual as being physical is like physical affection, cuddling, hand holding, even sharing a physical space together, proximity, obviously sex being more about sex and intimacy. And if we look at mental versus emotional, emotional is more sharing our feelings, our experiences, our inner world, the things we feel vulnerable about, sharing our truth with somebody. Whereas mental would be more sharing our opinions, ideas, beliefs, philosophies, maybe having a healthy debate, talking about different opinions on matters, learning things together. And all of these pillars are moving interchangeably with people when it comes to relationships. So when we look at the fearful avoidant attachment style, we tend to see these partnerships polarities. We will either see fearful avoidant attachment styles start by wanting to really connect emotionally and then romantically. And if they connect emotionally, romantically, and then even mentally, then they start moving through that, that space of feeling, okay, we've got these pillars into consideration. We're bonding here. And over time, I may feel comfortable lowing, lowering my guard and then connecting more physically and sexually with somebody. And that is one really common pattern for fearful avoidant attachment styles. The other common pattern for fearful avoidant attachment styles tends to be that they actually start off connecting more physically and sexually and then move into connecting more romantically, emotionally and then mentally. Now I will say that when I've seen that latter part where we have that pattern with fearful avoidance where they start off by connecting sexually and physically generally because fearful avoidant attachments styles are very emotional creatures, they tend to really value deep emotional connection. I've actually seen that be hard on them. And maybe that's a topic for another video or a different conversation because we're going to really focus about like how sex affects them and what happens to them and what they need to feel safe and comfortable and connected during sex and to progress the relationship into other areas. But I do just want to highlight that that is, you know, I'm definitely not sitting here telling anybody because it's actually not my business. And I respect people's decisions and the way they go about things. Not telling anybody how they should go about this, but have seen a lot over the years that just trying to bond physically and sexually, it's almost like a fearful one can sometimes tell themselves that that's going well for them. But over time I find that kind of takes a toll on them because they usually need such an emotional connection that if they don't have that established, it can be difficult on them a little bit later. So again that's on everybody. But I have seen that from time to time, so worth mentioning. So let's talk about how sex actually affects the fearful avoidant attachment style. Let's talk about their needs, how they actually bond during sex and the neuroch components of this. So first and foremost, individuals with fearful avoidant attachment style generally do really value and also care about physical and sexual connection. Those do tend to be really important things. And they also tend to over time feel sort of reeled in by that. So if they are bonding with somebody physically and sexually, that tends to amplify the already pre existing emotional, mental and romantic connection if there is that or it tends to sort of move them in that direction if they have not started by bonding in that area can really end up causing them to develop feelings over time. Yes, there are individuals who can totally keep their feelings separate from sex. But fearful avoidance in my opinion are a little bit less likely to be able to do that for long periods of time. And that's also because are not good at relating to people on a superficial level. They don't tend to like small talk. They tend to tend to like to dive deep with people. So around physicality and sex they're going to end up usually having emotionally connected conversations. And if you have these pillars of a relationship where if you look at what a relationship is, if you find yourself really having these deep connections with somebody mentally and emotionally because you're having deep conversations, asking deeper questions and then you have a physical and sexual connection, eventually it's going to end up merging with romantic in some kind of capacity. Or at least it's very likely to do so. So it would be difficult to not eventually develop romantic feelings. Sometimes fearful avoidance will even tell themselves yeah, I'm just going to keep this light or I'm just going to, you know, not develop feelings. And they can do that, you know, for periods of time. But as time goes on, there are the imprints of what's happening neurochemically during sex and. And how they actually bond. So when it comes to sex itself we will see a few key components. Fearful avoidance tend to want a sense of safety around sex and trust. And this trust has to just be that they can be transparent, be themselves, have open dialogue or communication, have sort of a non judgmental space around sex and be able to explore with somebody. Because exploration and discovery are generally big needs of a fearful avoidant. And as I mentioned, I keep driving this point home. But they tend to see this as often an inroad to emotional connection and mental connection, eventually romantic connection. If they start off in the physical and sexual space without having those pillars pre established. It often creates this inroad for fearful avoidance because they feel comfortable in those areas. They feel comfortable often asking deep questions, having deep conversations. So even if you're trying to avoid it being an inroad to something else, easier said than done for for basically the patterns that tend to take place. And when it comes to sex itself, they also, you know, fearful avoidance really want to feel like they have somebody who can see them consider their needs, be mindful of their boundaries around sex. All of those things cause them to feel like they can actually connect and even develop other pillars of the relationship beyond this. Now I want to look at the neurochemistry and how our neurochemistry over time, because of the way sex actually affects individuals neurochemically can actually strengthen a relations and the things that by accident may even cause a relationship to be on its downfall. Before I do that, I do want to let you know if you're really interested in this concept. We get a lot of questions about this. I have a course fully for free you can check out that's about each of the attachment styles and sex, their patterns the things that cause them to pull away or to invest, things that they prefer, their likes, dislikes, needs, all these different things again fully for free. I'll put the link down below. Now, the neurochemical parts around sex that tend to take place, there are four major neurochemical reactions, actions and they are oxytocin, which is our bonding or love neurochemical, which often happens around sex and gets released a lot after orgasm or during orgasm in sex. Dopamine, which is our pleasure seeking neurochemical and even can cause somebody to kind of seek out sex because it tends to reinforce the motivation around. It's a sort of pleasure reward motivation neurochemical. So you'll generally see that if sex goes well and there's a connection again, it would actually cause somebody to feel like they are seeking more of that in the future and want to keep coming back and returning to a person for that interaction. Then we have endorphins, which are sort of our relaxation reduced stress neurochemicals and they can, you know, if you're can actually feel the sense of safety after sex or during the experience of sex because of endorphins being released. And last but not least, we have vasopressin, which traditionally affects males a little bit more than females. But it is also associated vasopressin with long term bonding and feelings of attachment and feelings of sort of wanting to protect somebody that you're in a relationship with. Now, fearful avoidance, when they go through these neurochemical reactions that can actually kind of create this push pull if they don't have other healthy pillars, pillars of the relationship building. So if something is primarily based on just the physical and sexual pillars and they haven't had the chance to really build the mental emotional pillars yet or romantic pillars, what you'll actually see is oxytocin will sort of temporarily break down the fearful avoidance emotional barriers. But then it can actually trigger this kind of boomerang effect where later on they're like, whoa, I felt too vulnerable, I feel too close to somebody. And they may start to feel anxiety later on, you know, not immediately after sex or around that interaction, but you know, a few hours later, a day later. Things like that. Dopamine on the other hand again can feel like there's this excitement or this reward. But as they realize that they're feeling like they want to seek out more intimacy, more of those interactions, if they don't feel like there's a sense of safety being built up in those mental and emotional pillars and obviously romantic pillars that instead they may feel overwhelmed. And in that particular case, if they're seeking out more interaction or more connection and they feel like it's not being reciprocated and sort of as much as they would need, they can also feel rejected. And when they feel rejected, fearful avoidance will tend to deactivate, not activate. Right? Because we know fearful avoidant attachment styles have both sides to that, right? They'll have the anxious side where they want to activate and get closer, and then they have the avoidance side where they want to deactivate and pull away. And so you'll generally see in this particular case that a fearful avoidant attachment style, if they feel rejected, they'll shut down. So even though they may yearn for connection and for closeness or for a building of the relationship, they still may pull away. If they don't feel like there's enough reciprocity. Then when it comes to endorphins, I wouldn't say there's a huge impact there per se. But with vasopressin, when they start yearning for closeness because of a lot more of that vasopressin being produced, then what you'll actually see as a result of this is the yearning for closeness, again can cause them to feel afraid. They can actually get into a position where they're like, whoa, what if these. This yearning for closeness isn't happening to the other person as much as it's happening to me? And Pure flavor tend to really track the behaviors, the interactions and the investments of another person when they start to feel these feelings and neurochemical reactions. And so they're big needs when it comes to bonding and closeness, you know, are really important for them to be able to access those other pillars of a relationship and wanting to invest more holistically in an entire connection with somebody. But again, if those needs are missing or if they're not seeing the reciprocity that they're looking for, it may cause them to react by going into self protection mode and shutting down rather than opening up. So I find that in this particular case, if you are a fearful avoidant, it's really important to be mindful of what's happening inside of you and also be mindful of communicating your needs, communicating your boundaries. Because sometimes what's actually happening is there's just a misunderstanding happening rather than an actual rejection. And you know, it's vulnerable to communicate your needs. But it's also something that gives you a sense of certainty because you can truly understand where somebody else is at and you can vet your relationships accordingly. And if you're the loved one of a fearful avoidant being mindful about reciprocity, being mindful about investing mutually into the relationship, but also being mindful about their needs for trust, for transparency, for open communication, even if they're not always the best at initiating that vulnerable communication. That's something that they tend to really take well to in relationships and can allow the other pillars of a relationship to progress so you have a more holistic sense of connection that allows sex to be a bonding experience and to deepen the relationship quality overall, rather than sex being something that can trigger the fearful avoidant into closing down or shutting off. If you're somebody who is a fearful avoidant and you're wanting help or guidance for how to heal your attachments down become secure because it's actually not very hard. It just requires the right tools and a little bit of consistency over time. We actually have a course you can check out fully for free called the Fearful Avoidant Reconditioning Course, and it's all about how to rewire your nervous system and attachment style to become secure by following five major pillars and it's all backed by neuroscience and I will put a link to that down below. But that actually comes for life. You actually get to keep our Attachment Styles and Intimacy course, which is all about each attachment style and their connection and relationship to sex and intimacy and closeness and what things will cause them to pull in closer and what things will cause them to sabotage or push away. And so you'll be able to do the work on like healing your attachment style, but also get to keep this $250 course for life if you check that out. And again, we're just doing this for a limited time, so we'll put that link down below. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to subscribe, rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Share it with friends and family who are on their journey of personal development and growth and thank you for listening. Next week we'll be back with more insights to guide you on your journey and until then, keep practicing our tools and strategies to change your subconscious mind and apply some of the powerful learnings from this podcast so that you experience real life transformation.