The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: THIS Is What A Fearful Avoidant NEEDS In A Relationship

Release Date: July 30, 2025
Host: Thais Gibson

Episode Overview

This episode centers on the core relationship needs of individuals with a Fearful Avoidant (FA) attachment style. Thais Gibson systematically unpacks the emotional and practical requirements necessary for FAs to feel secure, valued, and connected in a romantic partnership. The episode aims to serve as a guide for both FAs and their loved ones—helping listeners advocate for their needs and build more harmonious, understanding relationships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Paradox of Fearful Avoidant Attachment

• Internal Conflict: FAs are “constantly pulled between wanting to be all in and wanting to connect, but fearing connection at the same time.” (00:18)
• For Partners & FAs: Understanding these needs acts as a “roadmap for you to better advocate for your needs, get your needs met, or better understand your partner.” (01:00)
• Mutual Responsibility: Emphasizes that “each person is supposed to be 100% accountable for their 50% of the relationship” and not violate their own boundaries to meet a partner’s needs. (03:22)

What Relationship Needs Are (05:59)

• Survival Analogy: Just as a body needs water and air, a relationship needs certain elements to “sustain itself.”
• Needs as Lifeblood: If FA’s needs aren’t met, “it’s almost like you’re choking the oxygen from the person… it really makes it difficult to stay in that space of thriving.” (06:51)

The 11 (Plus 1 Bonus) Essential Needs of a Fearful Avoidant

1. Emotional Depth (08:30)

• FAs value deep, meaningful connection; best fostered when both partners open up.
• Quote: “Fearful avoidance essentially have been conditioned to a certain degree into kind of these like one-way connection relationships... they tend to get rewarded or acknowledged when they are in support of other people.” (09:13)
• Important for partners to also ask deep questions and be patient.

2. Trust (11:04)

• FA’s core: requires “a very strong baseline of trust,” built on context, transparency, consistency, congruency.
• Quote: “Fearful avoidants are literally lie detectors. They pick up on all the little incongruencies everywhere, whether they mean to or not.” (12:01)
• Intermittent reinforcement (being hot and cold) undermines long-term trust.

3. Consideration (14:13)

• Feeling considered—having one’s feelings and input valued—directly feeds into trust.
• Example: Thoughtful cancellation of plans, showing you care about the FA’s experience.

4. Presence (15:00)

• Lack of presence triggers a wound around not mattering.
• Quote: “When fearful avoidants don’t have people present with them, they tend to have like a bit of a wound that gets triggered around feeling like they don’t matter.” (15:04)
• Being present deepens the sense of connection.

5. Safety (16:05)

• Safety—especially emotional—is vital for FAs to move past early power struggles.
• FAs may not realize their need for safety due to “a subconscious comfort zone of chaos.”
• If safety is lacking, FAs unconsciously engage their “4F” responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (people-please). (18:09)
• Insight: “As much as there could be passion and connection and chemistry and love, if there’s no baseline of safety, the relationship is unlikely to sustain.” (19:07)

6. Passion (19:30)

• FAs crave both passion and safety; without safety, passion burns out fast.
• Quote: “If you don’t have the safety and you just have the passion, these relationships… tend to burn hot and burn out fast.” (20:18)

7. Novelty (21:05)

• FAs require variety and new experiences within the relationship, alongside stability.
• “Trying new things, going to new places… anything that’s too routine will also cause the fearful avoidant to lose interest quite quickly.” (21:52)

8. Growth (22:17)

• FA’s fear stagnation; they value actively growing together—through new experiences, changing needs, evolving interests.
• Quote: “If you’re not growing together, you’re likely to grow apart.” (22:44)
• Ongoing conversations about shifting needs and beliefs are crucial.

9. Freedom (24:00)

• Need time “doing your own thing”—space within togetherness.
• Quote: “You can have the depth, connection and presence throughout most of the week, but then have a day where you have a lot of freedom and independence to yourself.” (25:03)

10. Independence (24:45)

• Closely related to freedom; balancing closeness with personal autonomy.

11. Feeling Wanted and Appreciated (26:01)

• Reassurance that they are valued and prioritized in the relationship.
• Quote: “Your full avoidants want to feel like they are wanted and appreciated… that your time matters to them.” (26:11)

BONUS: Flexibility and Understanding

• Not explicitly numbered, but emphasized throughout: FAs need their partner to be patient, flexible, and understanding as both parties navigate sometimes contradictory needs.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Thais Gibson on Relationship Reciprocity:
  “Each person is supposed to be 100% accountable for their 50% of the relationship.” (03:22)

• On Emotional Depth:
  “Fearful avoidants generally like and value drawing information out of people and getting people to connect deeply with them and to share with them, but it’s also so important… to ask deep questions to the fearful avoidant so that you know the fearful one will open up to you as well.” (09:57)

• On Trust and Detection:
  “Fearful avoidants are literally lie detectors. They pick up on all the little incongruencies everywhere, whether they mean to or not.” (12:01)

• On Safety and the 4F’s:
  “Whenever fearful avoidants are consistently in those 4F responses—fight, flight, freeze and fawn—they generally end up in unsustainable circumstances and relationships.” (18:27)

• Balancing Contradictory Needs:
  “Even though the fearful avoidant might want novelty and want safety, it doesn’t actually mean… they’re conflicting. They absolutely are just like parts of our holistic self.” (21:24)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:18 — Explanation of the Fearful Avoidant paradox
• 03:22 — Emphasis on relationship reciprocity and boundaries
• 06:51 — Relationship needs as a lifeblood metaphor
• 08:30 — Need #1: Emotional depth
• 11:04 — Need #2: Trust
• 14:13 — Need #3: Consideration
• 15:00 — Need #4: Presence
• 16:05 — Need #5: Safety
• 19:30 — Need #6: Passion
• 21:05 — Need #7: Novelty
• 22:17 — Need #8: Growth
• 24:00 — Need #9: Freedom
• 24:45 — Need #10: Independence
• 26:01 — Need #11: Feeling wanted and appreciated

Takeaways for Listeners

• For FAs: Understanding and advocating for these needs is crucial for healthy self-relationship and connection with others.
• For partners/loved ones: Becoming educated about attachment needs enables authentic, sustainable relationship dynamics without self-sacrifice or resentment.
• Real, thriving partnerships require both partners to respect their own limits while consciously, openly supporting each other’s needs.

This episode is essential listening for anyone who identifies as Fearful Avoidant or loves someone who does. Thais Gibson weaves practical advice with compassionate insight, providing a thorough map for relational fulfillment and understanding.