Episode Overview

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Episode: Top 10 Signs You Have A Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style
Date: February 2, 2026
Host: Thais Gibson

This episode explores the traits of the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style (“FA”—also called “Disorganized” or “Anxious-Avoidant”), emphasizing the nuanced differences between FA and Anxious Preoccupied (AP) styles. Thais Gibson offers practical insights based on her personal journey and extensive client work, highlighting how childhood experiences condition adult relationship patterns and outlining the “top 10 signs” of FA attachment.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Understanding Attachment Theory

• Attachment style is like an internal “rulebook” for relationships (00:35).
• Everyone develops their own subconscious set of expectations, boundaries, and needs in relationships.
• Different attachment “rules” create friction, much like playing board games by different sets of instructions.

The Top 10 Signs of Fearful Avoidant Attachment

1. Flip-Flopping Between Fearing Abandonment and Commitment

• FAs vacillate between intense fear of losing someone and fear of being trapped or vulnerable (02:18).
• Quote:
  “I think of the fearful avoidant as like the pendulum swinging... One day feeling this like fear of losing somebody... and literally the very next day or even that same day thinking, wait, I'm scared of committing.”
  — Thais Gibson [03:05]
• Rooted in chaotic or unpredictable childhood experiences. Inconsistency leads to associating love with both comfort and fear.

2. Strong Activation and Deactivation Cycles

• FAs seek closeness (activate) and almost immediately withdraw (deactivate), sometimes even pushing people away through harsh words or actions (07:12).
• Different from AP, who mainly fears abandonment and seeks closeness.

3. Jumping to Conclusions / Hypervigilance

• FAs are highly alert to perceived slights or inconsistencies, prone to assuming the worst because of conditioning in chaotic environments (08:56).
• Quote:
  “Partners of fearful avoidants... say: ‘You’re just assuming bad things will happen, you’re jumping to conclusions, you’re jumping the gun.’”
  — Thais Gibson [10:05]
• Adaptive survival mechanism as a child, but maladaptive as an adult.

4. Terrified of Feeling Helpless

• Overcontrol or emotional dysregulation arises from a deep fear of relying on others (12:04).
• Childhood experiences of unpredictability or needing to depend on unreliable caregivers lead to adult fears about helplessness.

5. High Empathy / Sympathetic Response and Permeable Boundaries

• FAs are highly attuned to others’ emotions—often caretaking or absorbing others’ feelings, sometimes to their own detriment (14:20).
• Distinction made between empathy (understanding others as they are) and sympathy (projecting one’s own feelings) (15:10).
• This “helper” role often comes from trying to maintain safety in a chaotic environment: “If others aren’t okay, I won’t be okay.”

6. Struggling with Boundaries

• FAs tend to be “boundaryless”—giving too much and later feeling taken advantage of, leading to anger or withdrawal (17:40).
• Their boundaries often fluctuate, unlike APs who persistently seek closeness.

7. Strong, Difficult-to-Regulate Emotions

• FAs experience intense feelings—anger, hurt, betrayal—and ongoing low-level anxiety (18:55).
• Difficulty resting or feeling inner calm; all-or-nothing thinking is common.
• All-or-nothing cognitive style is linked to trauma.

8. One-Way Vulnerability and Polarity in Sharing

• FAs often help others open up but don’t reciprocate, or alternate between withholding and oversharing (22:13).
• May share "vulnerable" stories that aren't genuinely tender for them, missing deeper authentic connection.
• True vulnerability (gradually sharing deeper feelings) builds authentic connection and is key for healing.

9. Struggles with Guilt and Shame

• FAs feel profound guilt/shame, often after emotional outbursts, or inwardly judge themselves harshly (24:30).
• Self-talk often mirrors critical or shaming messages from childhood.

10. Pendulum of Activation/Deactivation

• The pattern of seeking closeness, then panicking and withdrawing, repeats itself, often without a clear trigger (25:40).
• The FA's internal pendulum can swing rapidly—even multiple times in a day.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On FA’s Internal Conflict:
  “Love is wonderful and love is terrifying and it leads fearful avoidance... to feel like I want this thing and it really scares me.”
  — Thais Gibson [05:36]

• On Genuine Vulnerability:
  “When we build trust and we do share more vulnerable things and... the vast majority of the time we still get accepted, we still get loved anyway, it really helps us feel more seen, more deeply understood, more deeply connected.”
  — Thais Gibson [22:55]

• On Healing:
  “When we're not first working on those subconscious stories... we have a hard time actually being able to create change that's really lasting and really works and is really sustainable.”
  — Thais Gibson [20:20]

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Topic / Quote | |-----------|--------------| | 00:35 | Introduction to Attachment Theory & Mislabeling FAs as APs | | 02:18 | Sign 1: Fear of Abandonment vs. Commitment | | 07:12 | Sign 2: Activation/Deactivation Cycles | | 08:56 | Sign 3: Hypervigilance and Jumping to Conclusions | | 12:04 | Sign 4: Fear of Helplessness | | 14:20 | Sign 5: High Empathy/Sympathy and Origin | | 17:40 | Sign 6: Struggle with Boundaries | | 18:55 | Sign 7: Intense, Hard-to-Regulate Emotions | | 22:13 | Sign 8: Polarity in Vulnerable Sharing | | 24:30 | Sign 9: Guilt and Shame Patterns | | 25:40 | Sign 10: The Activation/Deactivation Pendulum |

Summary Table: Key Differences Between FAs and APs

| Feature | Fearful Avoidant (FA) | Anxious Preoccupied (AP) | |-----------------------------|------------------------------|-------------------------------| | Fear | Both abandonment & commitment| Mainly abandonment | | Boundaries | Highly permeable, inconsistent | Seeks closeness, less boundary concern | | Vulnerable Sharing | One-way, polar (under/over) | Seeks mutual closeness | | Regulation of Emotions | Intense & hard to regulate | Anxious but seeks reassurance | | Relationship Cycles | Strong push-pull | Persistent pursuit | | Guilt & Shame | High, after outbursts | May blame self for distance |

Final Reflections from Thais Gibson

• Healing for FAs centers on reprogramming subconscious stories, building safe boundaries, and practicing gradual, real vulnerability [20:20, 22:55].
• FAs can build secure relationships with self-work and understanding their unique patterns.
• Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own signs, and further resources are available for deeper healing.

This episode is for anyone questioning their attachment style, seeking clarity about complex relationship cycles, or wanting to embark on intentional healing toward secure connection.