← The Thais Gibson Podcast
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If you are still asking, does this person actually love me? It's possible that you're already in the danger zone. Because love isn't this vibe or this small gesture. It is a pattern that is sustained across time. And in this video, I am breaking down the major signs somebody loves you specifically by attachment style so that you can stop getting played by chemistry or mixed signals or bare minimum effort that may not actually be love. Now, if you're new here, hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson. I'm the founder of Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory. The methodology that allows people to actually rewire their attachment style and their relationship patterns from a painful childhood or past painful relationships so that they can build the best relationships of their life, including the relationship to yourself. And I'm here to share with you content and materials and resources that will help you just heal and change and transform at will because you engage the subconscious mind and nervous system in the process. Start by breaking this down by attachment style specifically. Now, if you're not familiar with the four attachment styles, these are basically our relationship styles. Every single person has one. And from an integrated attachment theory point of view, which is sort of the deeper version of traditional attachment theory that gets more granular and also focuses on how to rewire our attachment style so we don't just like attach to a label, but we actually do the work to change and heal our unhealthy patterns. You are going to hear me break down the different attachment styles in this as well and some of their themes, some of their patterns, and definitely some of those big signs that they may be falling in love. Number one, let's talk about the most obvious, the securely attached style. Securely attached individuals, when they love you, it is clear, okay, you don't have to play guessing games. And they do a few things that are really prevalent, especially when they're truly starting to fall in love. Securely attached individuals are very predictable and they are straightforward and they are consistent. They will tell you that they're interested, they'll let you know their feelings and they'll be very direct about it, whether male or female in a relationship relationship. And so you may see things, for example, like actions really match words. They say they love you and they follow through with very loving gestures. They make an effort, they show up, they go above and beyond, they try to check in, they attune to you and your feelings and they are emotionally available in real time, meaning that they talk things through, they don't push you away or leverage distance as a strategy for self protection. And they also Respect your boundaries and your needs and they are eager to learn about them and get to know them more. And I think most importantly, the biggest sign a securely attached person loves you is that they are willing to to invest in a relationship long term. They're not scared to talk about the future or plan for the future and have shared goals and consistent care that is truly expressed. Okay, so those are some big signs, pretty obvious, and they'll generally just say I love you and their actions will be consistent with what they're saying. Number two, anxious attachment styles, they're basically going to go from most obvious to least obvious. Okay, Number one, they are consistent. Okay, Anxious attachment styles, I mean they attach fast, they develop feelings quickly, they fall in love quite quickly because their guard is down. Now I would argue sometimes, to be quite honest, that sometimes anxious attachment styles are falling more into limerence, which is extreme infatuation rather than just love. You'll generally see that anxious attachment styles, they are very consistent. They will text you, they will call you, they will make plans, they will show up, they will be there. And pretty much honestly, when an anxious attachment style is falling in love, if you say like, hey, it's 5:30, let's meet up at 6:00', clock, I'd love to see you. And it's a last minute plan. A lot of the times, honestly, anxious attachment cells are gonna drop everything to see you and to. And it's such a sweet and loving characteristic about anxious attachment styles. But also if you are anxious, it's something to be aware of because sometimes you do that at the expense of like your friendships or your career goals or your physical health and your sleep. Like sometimes you just get so down the rabbit hole if you're anxious with focusing and fixating on love that it's sort of at the expense of other areas of your life which at the end of the day end up being at the expense of the holistic version of you. So it is something to really pay attention to and be reminded of. The next big thing that you'll see here when anxious attachment styles fall in love is they will integrate you into their life very quickly. They will get you to meet their friends, they'll you into your, their routines, they'll make future plans big time. And they'll make those plans very clear and they'll fantasize about the future and talk about it with you. And you'll see that they are really pushing for more proximity, more commitment, more closeness. And honestly, they will be moving the needle. They will constantly be like, okay, what's next. We are officially dating. Okay, when are we moving in together? Okay, we've moved in together. When are we getting engaged? Okay, we're engaged. When are we getting married? Like, you'll see this constant pushing for that closeness. Part of it is those attachment impulses to avoid abandonment, which they fear so much in relationships. But also you'll generally see that they are caring and they're wanting to make the best life with you possible. And it also comes from this place of deep affection and love and admiration a lot of times for their partner. The other thing I would say here is that they often seek reassurance a little bit more and validation. They may text or call more frequently. They may sometimes have high expectations in a relationship when they start to fall in love and they're generally a little bit boundary list anxious attachment styles as well. They tend to want to repair very quickly after conflict. So they will apologize, they will clarify, they will honestly follow through the vast majority of the time on their changed behavior. Like if somebody says, hey, I don't like when you say this thing to me, it hurts me. They'll be like, okay. And they will apologize and they will stop doing it. Like they really care to consider their partner. And they have such a high need and set of priorities around their relationships that they spend a lot of time thinking and focusing on their relationships and really trying to be the best partner that they can be. I want to say as well, if you want to go into our course, it's all about learning your needs so that you can individually know who you are as a person, know what needs you have to get met to self soothe. Learn to communicate these needs in healthy ways. It's going to help you set so much. If you were struggling with this, you literally can keep this course for free for life. It's actually a giveaway. Right now we're just doing this for a couple of days. You can click the link below. It gives you access to all of the personal development school for free for seven days. And with that, you will get to keep our needs course for free. As a bonus, the next least obvious one is the fearful avoidant attachment style. Fearful avoidant attachment styles. If you're less familiar, they're kind of the hot and cold partner in relationships and it's usually because they get conditioned with competing ideas about love. On one hand, they feel like love is a really good thing and they feel like, okay, I've had some really good experiences with love, but they usually also have some painful and kind of terrifying experiences around Love, this could be things like having a parent with narcissistic personality disorder, having a parent or parents who are in active addiction, having a parent who puts them in the middle of a really intense divorce and they're hearing all these things beyond their means to cope in childhood. All of these types of things where it's like you get some really good pieces of love. Like sometimes you get that love and connection and it's safe and it's healthy and other times you get that love and connection and it's really confusing. And so as adults, they pinball back and forth, they become hot and cold and they flip flop between wanting closeness and fearing it at the same time, which, which makes them a little bit confusing as partners and also makes them feel personally confused in relationships a lot of the time. Because they want love, but they fear it, right? And that's their wiring and conditioning. So some big signs that they are falling in love is number one. They work to stay present when things get real so they don't disappear after progress in a relationship or intimacy emotionally. Closeness in general. They're not like running away from it all the time. However, here's the really important thing to note. The more a fearful avoidant falls in love, if they're not doing the work and they're not healing, the more you are going to see push, pull. Because it's almost like a fearful one falls in love and they're like, okay, the more I love you and the more I feel vulnerable to you, the more you can now hurt me. And it basically works them into a bit of a tizzy. It works them into this space of spiraling a little bit and they kind of spin out on relationships quite frequently. And so you may see these intense push, pull and what you will feel generally, if I'm really honest, a fearful one that's not healing and not doing the work. They will pull you in so deeply. They will make you feel like you are so seen that you matter so much that they want to know everything about you and do everything they can for you. And they'll apologize when they make mistakes and they'll try to show up. But as much as they are generous and loving and so available and so present and care so much and like really show up for hard things for people and deeply make people feel seen and known, all of which are signs that they're falling in love, they also will push you away. And you can almost see this tug of war within them where they want that closeness. But then when it feels too close, they push back and you know, I'll, I'll go, I go into it in so many videos on this channel. But there are specific ways to work through this. If you're fearful, avoidant attachment style, but also if you're the partner, partner of a fearful one, there's certain things they tend to need in relationships that help to kind of stabilize the relationship. Obviously, it's up to the person themselves to do the work and the healing and really plug in. And definitely one person can't do it for the other. It's something that has to be done really together. But there are things that like, just help a feeler feel fearful, avoidant, stay more calm and connected. And a lot of these things are things like transparency in a relationship, consistency, being really available in terms of working through emotionally difficult conversations, making them feel very seen and understood, validating their feelings and emotions, like a. A lot of these things really help. But again, ultimately, it is up to that one individual person to plug in and do the work. Last but not least, signs a dismissive avoidant loves you or is falling in love is number one. They are really consistent about initiating connection. It doesn't mean that they won't have these sort of periods that they drop off or pull back, but if you were essentially able to graph it, you would see that they're like coming towards you, coming towards you, maybe pull back a little bit. Coming towards you, pull back a little bit. Coming towards you, Pull back a little bit. So the coming towards you and initiation in the relationship is much more frequent, consistent and strong than the pulling away. Although you will see those bouts of pulling away as well. And so you'll see that there's this initiation, this care to show up, to be consistent. They make space for you without resentment. They'll really try to hear your needs. And one of the biggest things you'll see about a dismissive avoidant in love is that sometimes they don't always respond best in the moment to conflict or to an expression of needs. But if you tell them your needs, if you're like, hey, I want us to have more consistency around texting and if you communicate healthily, okay, so let's just use that as the example. I want to have more consistency around texting. They'll usually kind of give you like a stoic response. But you'll see in their behaviors and their actions that follow that they start becoming more consistent. So you'll really see them if you watch it out over time, taken your needs, only if you communicate healthily but take in your needs. And make an effort to shift their behavior and show up. So it's a really big sign they'll share their internal world more often. They'll open up and they will include you in their life. I mean, it's a big sign of dismissive avoidance and love and really letting somebody in. As they integrate you, they get you to meet their family, their friends, these types of things. Again, you'll still see some challenging dynamics with a dismissive avoidance where it can be a little bit push, pull as well, a lot more like retreated, a little bit less vulnerable, a little more slow, moving to big commitments, a lot of those things. But you'll see that, that care, that consistency and that initiation big time is there when they're truly falling in love. So I hope this was helpful for you. I hope this gives you just some clarity and signs so that you know, like, what to look for. And if these things are not happening, that you're not investing in a relationship, if it's something that you're feeling like you're falling in love with and you're not seeing that in reciprocity, it's so important to note. And again, if you want to go much deeper into those topics, you can check out those free resources down below. And that's it for today. Thank you for stopping by, for listening, for watching. I hope you subscribe to this channel. If you enjoyed today's video, I put daily videos out here all about rewiring and understanding different attachment styles and the relationship we have to ourselves more than anything. And I will see you next time.