The Thais Gibson Podcast — Episode Summary

Title: What A Dismissive Avoidant Feels When They Start Dating An Anxious Attachment Style
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: November 10, 2025

Overview

This episode delves into the nuanced dynamic between Dismissive Avoidant (DA) and Anxious Attachment (AP) styles during the early stages of dating. Thais Gibson unpacks the initial magnetic attraction between these opposites, explores the subsequent challenges both face, and outlines pathways to relationship healing and growth. The discussion balances practical psychology, anecdotal evidence, and integrated attachment theory as tools for self-discovery and relationship satisfaction.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Dismissive Avoidants and Anxious Attachments Are Drawn to Each Other

• Trait Variety & "Opposites Attract" Mechanism
  • (02:05) "There is this biological mechanism known as trait variety... our very formal version of opposites attract."
  • Being drawn to partners with complementary strengths is rooted in both biology and evolutionary psychology. DAs are attracted to APs’ warmth and sociability; APs find DAs' independence and individuality intriguing.
• Admiration and Fantasy
  • (05:24) "A lot of dismissive avoidants will say, 'Yeah, they're so warm, they're so friendly. To be honest, I sometimes wish I was more like that.'"
  • DAs may put APs on a pedestal for their openness and wish for some of that ease in social relationships.

2. Early Dating Dynamics and Unmet Childhood Needs

• Meeting Unmet Needs
  • (13:44) "One of the second biggest things that drives attraction is when somebody meets our deepest unmet needs from childhood."
  • APs provide warmth and validation DAs often lacked. In turn, DAs’ independence and “mystery” attract APs who crave approval from emotionally distant figures—replicating familiar childhood emotional patterns.
• Ongoing Spark and Chemistry
  • (15:20) The initial chemistry can be so strong that it can keep mismatched couples together even when communication is dysfunctional.

3. Breakdown Points: Stages of Relationship Risk

• Dating to Commitment Transition
  • (18:25) "There are two really big breakdown points for this relationship. The first one is in the dating stage... around the 3, 4, 5, 6 month mark when there’s this push to move from dating stage into the honeymoon stage, which is marked by the rite of passage to make a commitment."
  • APs push for exclusivity early, while DAs want to take their time, leading to friction and possible stagnation.
• Trigger Points and Core Wounds
  • (25:34) As commitment looms, DAs fear being trapped or engulfed, while APs fear abandonment or rejection.

4. Neuroscience of Attachment Responses

• Differential Brain Responses
  • (31:10) "[A study] found that anxious attachment style individuals... had stronger amygdala responses to negative social feedback... dismissive avoidants had reduced responses to positive feedback."
  • Explains why APs are hypersensitive to rejection, and DAs are less responsive to reassurance or praise.

5. The Trigger Cycle Explained

• Mutual Triggering Loop (APDA Trigger Cycle)
  • (36:05) "Each person's core wound just so happens... their behavior in terms of how they respond to it, just so happens to retrigger the other person’s core wound."
  • When APs feel abandoned, they cling; DAs feel trapped, so they withdraw—thus reactivating APs’ abandonment fears, creating a self-sustaining negative feedback loop.
  • Memorable summary: "When the anxious attachment style in the relationship starts to feel the dismissive avoidant naturally pulling back... that triggers their abandonment wound... they then want to cling... in turn, the dismissive avoidant feels more trapped..." (38:05)

6. Pathways to Healing and Relief

• Communication as a Solution
  • (41:10) "Communication... these very small fixes go such a long way."
• Somatic and Neuroplasticity Work
  • (42:05) Each style can rewire triggers, process emotions, and self-soothe through somatic techniques and learning to meet their own needs.
  • DAs often numb instead of soothing; APs depend too much on external validation.
• Awareness of Personal Work
  • (43:10) "You'll know what to observe for and look out for in case somebody's not doing that work, so you can know when to walk away."
• Future episodes in the series will address practical tools for each attachment style pairing.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Thais Gibson on Early Attraction:
  "They often experience the anxious attachment style as being somebody who they sort of wish they were more like... they have this sort of way of putting an anxious attachment style when they first meet them on the pedestal." (05:24)

• On Core Wounds: "The dismissive avoidant's big core wounds of being trapped, engulfed, feeling shamed or defective if they're criticized... And the anxious attachment style going, 'I'm trying so hard. I'm putting my whole heart and soul into this relationship... why can't you give me more of yourself?'" (29:10)

• APDA Trigger Cycle Explained:
  "When [APs] feel abandoned, they cling... in turn, dismissive avoidants feel more trapped, which is a big trigger and core wound for them. And when they then feel trapped, what do they do? They need to take space, they need to push away. And when they push away, it retriggers the anxious attachment styles' abandonment core wound." (38:05)

• On Communication:
  "Communication...these very small fixes go such a long way." (41:10)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction & Series Context – 00:00–02:00
• Why Opposites Attract: Biology, Trait Variety – 02:05–07:00
• What DAs Admire in APs, and Vice Versa – 05:00–11:50
• Role of Childhood Unmet Needs in Attraction – 13:44–15:45
• Challenges in the Dating-to-Committing Phase – 18:25–20:30
• Core Wounds and Initial Trigger Points – 25:34–29:10
• Neuroscience: AP vs DA Responses – 31:10–33:20
• The APDA Trigger Cycle Explained – 36:05–39:00
• Practical Tools and Healing Pathways – 41:10–43:20

Final Thoughts

Thais Gibson provides a comprehensive primer on why anxious and dismissive avoidant partners are drawn to each other, what repeatedly challenges their dynamic—especially as commitment nears—and how to break out of destructive cycles. This episode sets the stage for an upcoming series of deep dives into attachment style pairings and hands-on healing practices.

For those seeking more detail, Thais recommends her free resources and encourages listeners to subscribe for in-depth follow-up episodes on attachment theory relationships.