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If you're dating a dismissive avoidant, you probably feel like you're doing everything right and it still isn't enough. They need your help, but they don't know how to ask for it. And often dismissive avoidance will unfortunately expect you to read their minds or just understand them because they don't know how to communicate. In this video, I'm going to take you through five major ways that you can understand a dismissive avoidant in ways that they will never admit to you. And by the end of this video, you're going to be able to know how to completely decode them without abandoning yourself in the process. And also by being able to honor your own needs. Her name is Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson. I hope I pronounce her name properly. Thais Gibson. I am so excited for you to be here with me today. Thank you for joining us. Here's the very first thing you need to know. Dismissive avoidance. Feel loved through people honoring their respect for their autonomy. Here's what this actually looks like. This would look like you not pressuring somebody to respond immediately, not taking their need for space personally, and sometimes even encouraging their independence. And a lot of people hear this and they get afraid that this means that they're going to never have their needs met. But here's the reality. You can sit down with a dismissive avoidant and you can have a conversation that says something like, hey, I know you like your space. I know that you need your freedom to do your own thing and have time to yourself. And I respect that. I get that. And I also need to feel like I have a partner in a relationship where we're present with each other that really matters to me. So why don't we carve out two evenings a week that we spend together that we're present with each other, and two evenings a week where we completely do our own thing and then both of our needs are met. And that is you, in a securely attached way, honoring your needs while also understanding and make space for how they need to feel loved and connected simultaneously. And by the way, dismissive avoidance tend to respond to things like this exceptionally well. I remember having a client years ago and she came in and she told me she was anxiously attached. And she told me, thais, I don't understand. I had a fight with my dismissive avoidant boyfriend over the weekend and he told me on Sunday afternoon that he would need the rest of the evening to himself. And so what I did Is I knew he was upset and I decided to go and cook him a nice meal and bring him a little note and surprise him and show up unannounced as a surprise to support him. And he didn't take it well. And she was confused at first and didn't understand why he took it so poorly. And honestly, it's because he literally said, I need a little bit of space. And that was truly what he needed. But she was seeing this through the lens of what she would need as an anxious attachment style. And if she told somebody she would need space, she would usually be testing that person to see if they would come and show up with some sort of grandiose gesture to make her feel connected to. And so, of course, she was giving love as she would need it, not understanding how her partner was actually needing to receive love. And so she missed the mark. And so much of us, understanding and being able to navigate attachment differences literally requires for us to start seeing people as they are instead of seeing people as we are. And this really bridges that gap. So space is not rejection to them, it's safety. And when you give safety, they come closer on their own. And that's when real connection starts forming. Number two, dismissive avoidance. Feel loved through calm, not through intensity. If your love feels intense, emotional or urgent, this may feel romantic to you, but it's overwhelming to them. Unfortunately, what this looks like in practice is that dismissive avoidance actually respond much better to steady, consistent affection rather than dramatic displays. In fact, dramatic, grandiose gestures often cause a dismissive avoidant to feel pressured, as if they have to then fulfill that kind of gesture back or pressure that this is getting really serious really fast and they have to be ready to commit everything and every part of themselves to you. They tend to relax a lot more around emotional neutrality, openness, more consistency, and they open up a lot more when conflict is at a minimum. Dismissive avoidance. They don't need bigger emotions, they need steadier ones. And when you are regulated first, they then begin to trust you a little bit more because they begin to trust that love isn't chaotic. Number three, dismissive avoidance. Feel loved when you don't make them the sole source of your happiness. One of the biggest secrets they don't want you to know. A dismissive avoidant often feels safer when you don't need them. And what I mean by this, I'll share another client story with you. I remember having a client who was dismissive avoidant. He had dated a woman for 11 years and they started dating when they were quite young, like very late teens. And he said, you know, I want to make a life with this person. I want to be with this person forever. I'm thinking of proposing, but the one thing that always holds me back and makes me afraid is I feel like she doesn't have a good support system outside of me. I feel like she leans on me. She doesn't have great relationships with her family or her friendships. And it makes me afraid that if she ever goes through something really hard, I am going to have to be the one taking on all of the pressure unilaterally in the relationship to do my life and then to be there completely, completely to show up for her. And it just feels like a little bit too much what this looks like in a healthier, more balanced way. When we look at two securely attached people in a relationship, securely attached people actually do that very well. They are good at meeting their own needs, they're good at having multiple resources for support, and they are still good at relying on people and allowing people to rely on them. Because of course, that is a healthy and important part of relationships. But when it becomes too one sided, too imbalance, where one person only ever leans on the one person they're in a relationship with, that is often where a lot of chaos starts to ensue. So balance and you having an identity outside of your relationship isn't just good for the relationship, it's also really healthy and important for you on your path to becoming secure. When you are emotionally self sourced, they don't feel trapped, they feel free and freedom is what allows them to attach. But also when you're emotionally self sourced, you become a better version of yourself. Number four, dismissive avoidance. Feel loved through acts of practical support. Dismissive avoidance. In other words, they feel loved through actions a lot of the time, more than words. So what does this actually look like? Well, dismissive avoidance. They do like words of affirmation, but they respond to things that are small and sincere. They want to hear things like thanks for taking out the garbage or thanks for looking out for me and having my back yesterday and that hard conversation with our friend. They want to hear those things. But more than that, they respond exceptionally well to people doing things like bringing them a cup of coffee or driving them to the airport or picking up dinner for them on the way home, because this allows them to feel like somebody is truly there to support them. In fact, one of the biggest needs dismissive avoidance report having from partners and relationships is the need to feel supported. They may not always say I need you because often they don't know how. But when somebody consistently shows up and helps support them in those acts of service ways, that is often their version of love. And a big number five here for dismissive avoidance is that they feel loved when you don't weaponize their vulnerability. You see, if a dismissive avoidant opens up to you even a little bit and it's used against them later, they often shut down completely. What does this mean? It means no sarcasm about their emotions or bringing up past disclosures and arguments to use it against them, and trying your best to not be shaming or critical in your approach to communicating your needs. Far too often when somebody has a need, they say something like, you don't care about me, you're not spending enough time with me, rather than actually framing what they do need in a partnership, rather than saying something like, hey, I'm feeling disconnected. Can we spend more quality time together this weekend and go out for dinner together instead of doing that? If somebody comes through with weaponizing their vulnerability being critical or shaming, of course a dismissive avoidant is just going to shut down. But oftentimes they do not know how to tell you that doesn't feel good to receive communication in that way. And so instead, when they realize that their vulnerability will not be punished, something shifts. And that is when deeper emotional intimacy becomes possible. And that is when you can start really bridging the gap in this relationship together. So if you've been trying to love a dismissive avoidant the way that you want to be loved, and if you have felt confused or rejected, it's because attachment styles often experience connection quite differently. And inside the Personal Development School, we don't just explain these dynamics, we teach you how to rewire them so that you can stop walking on eggshells and start building real emotional safety with one another. You see, dismissive avoidants are not incapable of love. They just learn to survive without depending on it. And when safety replaces survival, connection becomes truly possible. So again, while dismissive avoidance may not ask for help, they sure do notice every thoughtful gesture in a relationship. And when you show up this way and communicate your own needs simultaneously, you are teaching their nervous system how to receive love and honoring yours at the same time. Which is how true connection works. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to subscribe, rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Share it with friends and family who are on their journey of personal development and growth, and thank you for listening. Next week we'll be back with more insights to guide you on your journey. And until then, keep practicing our tools and strategies to change your subconscious mind and apply some of the powerful learnings from this podcast so that you experience real life transformation.