The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: What Is the Dismissive Avoidant Discard?

Host: Thais Gibson
Date: August 25, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode examines the "dismissive avoidant discard," a confusing and emotionally painful phenomenon experienced by people in relationships with partners who have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Thais Gibson breaks down why the discard occurs, what recipients of this behavior often feel and struggle with, and—most crucially—offers practical steps for achieving self-closure, healing, and moving forward. The tone is empathetic, educational, and empowering, with a focus on actionable strategies and compassionate self-reflection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. What Is the Dismissive Avoidant Discard?

• Definition & Pattern

  • The "avoidant discard" refers to a behavior pattern where a person with a dismissive avoidant attachment style abruptly ends a relationship as a means of avoiding emotional vulnerability.
  • This is often characterized by:
    • Sudden, unexplained breakups
    • Little or no effort to address issues or communicate reasons
    • Emotional distancing and lack of closure
    • Sometimes, ending through text or simply "fading out," even in serious relationships
      ([01:05]-[04:20])

• The Emotional Impact

  • For the recipient, it often leads to deep confusion, feeling blindsided, and an overwhelming lack of closure.
  • Thais notes:

    "It can leave somebody feeling so confused, so caught off guard and absolutely blindsided by this entire scenario."
    ([02:25])

2. Why Does It Happen?

• Driven by the avoidant partner’s fear of vulnerability and emotional connection.

• They may leave not just because of what they didn't feel, but sometimes even because of strong feelings that scare them.

• This isn't usually a reflection of the recipient's worth or actions.

• Quote:

  "An avoidant often leaves either because they're suddenly scared of being too vulnerable and their own feelings scare them, it can actually cause them to leave without any kind of indication... that this is something that was on their mind or they were thinking or feeling."
  ([03:10])

3. The Cost of the Discard: Emotional Fallout

• Exacerbates or even creates abandonment wounds

• Triggers intense emotional pain and rumination

• Breeds self-blame and regret

• Quote:

  "The person on the receiving end of this discard often ends up doing a lot of self-blaming... thinking, 'It was all my fault' or, 'If I only did this one thing differently, maybe this discarding wouldn't have happened.'"
  ([06:10])

• Thais stresses:

  "There are much deeper matters at heart here... They really are not just one person's fault, particularly the person being discarded in this situation."
  ([07:00])

4. Healing Steps & Methodology

Step 1: Exposing and Questioning Limiting Stories

• Identify and "dump out" the stories you tell yourself on autopilot:

  • "I'm not worthy of love."
  • "I'm always going to be abandoned."
  • "If I was just more lovable, this wouldn't have happened."

• Recognize that these stories often serve to keep you stuck in regret and attached to the past relationship.

• Thais suggests:

  "By taking on that belief... it makes you attach yourself to the past and to all of the regret that's coming through those stories and narratives."
  ([08:37])

• Write these stories out and critically question their truth:

  • "Is it really true that if I had only done one thing differently, the relationship would have worked?"
  • Consider the partner’s own patterns and issues.

Step 2: Creating Personal Closure

• Acknowledge that what you’re really seeking is certainty.
• Find lessons and key takeaways from the relationship:
  • Self-reliance, better communication, being attentive to personal needs and boundaries.
  • Make peace by taking actionable lessons forward, to avoid repeating the same patterns.
• Thais explains:

  "The more that we find these lessons, we get this sense of closure and peace... that help us rest assured that we won't have to repeat these things in the future."
  ([13:05])

Step 3: Identify & Meet Your Own Needs

• Recognize the needs that the former partner was meeting in your life.
• Grieving is often the pain of unmet needs.
• Write out these needs and brainstorm new ways to fulfill them independently or through other supportive relationships.
• Thais emphasizes:

  "By doing just that, you empower yourself to fill that void that was causing the feelings of grief to begin with."
  ([15:30])

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On suddenness and confusion:

  "A very sudden and unexplained breakup, usually also with a reluctance to actually address the root problem... can leave somebody feeling so confused, so caught off guard and absolutely blindsided."
  ([01:30])

• On stories of self-blame:

  "Honestly, it's very heartbreaking, and it's making an already difficult situation so much more difficult."
  ([09:45])

• On the power of reflection:

  "Each time you go through one of these narratives that's been running on autopilot, what you're empowered to start doing is shedding these things—shedding your attachment to these ideas or concepts."
  ([11:00])

• On closure:

  "When we don't have closure, we can create our own closure. What we're usually actually seeking... is a need to be met around certainty."
  ([12:40])

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:05] – What is the dismissive avoidant discard?
• [02:25] – The emotional impact on the recipient
• [03:10] – Why avoidants leave suddenly
• [06:10] – The self-blame trap
• [07:00] – Deeper root causes: it’s not your fault
• [08:37] – The pain of regret and attachment to narratives
• [09:45] – How self-blame deepens heartbreak
• [11:00] – Shedding limiting beliefs
• [12:40] – Reframing closure as certainty
• [13:05] – Learning lessons for future security
• [15:30] – Identifying and meeting your own needs

Conclusion

Thais Gibson’s compassionate breakdown of the dismissive avoidant discard offers listeners both insight and empowerment. Understanding the root causes and common emotional aftermath, recipients are encouraged to question painful self-blame, seek lessons from the experience, and actively fulfill their own needs—moving from confusion and hurt toward healing and secure attachment patterns.