Podcast Summary: The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: What the Dismissive Avoidant Is REALLY DOING When They Go Missing
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: December 31, 2025

Episode Overview

In this enlightening episode, Thais Gibson delves into the inner world of the dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style, focusing on what actually happens when DAs retreat or "go missing" from relationships. Drawing from integrated attachment theory, Gibson explains the emotional mechanisms and patterns behind the DA's withdrawal and offers practical guidance for both those with DA tendencies and their loved ones.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Common Scenarios Where DAs Withdraw

[00:00-02:45]

• Two Core Trajectories When DAs Go Missing:
  • Post-Vulnerability Withdrawal: After a period of emotional closeness or vulnerability—such as sharing intimate stories—someone with a DA style may suddenly withdraw for days at a time, leaving the partner confused.
    • "You think everything’s going very, very well...then the next day, the dismissive avoidant goes missing for three, maybe four days at a time." – Thais Gibson [00:45]
  • Post-Conflict Withdrawal: DAs may also disappear after a disagreement, unmet needs, or tension, instead of working things through.
    • "There’s a bit of a conflict, a bit of a pain point...and then instead, you see, again, this big withdrawal." – Thais Gibson [01:53]

2. The Psychology Behind DA Withdrawal

[02:45-10:00]

• Shame and Vulnerability:

  • DAs harbor core wounds centered on emotional expression being seen as weak or defective.
  • Vulnerability often triggers a "shame hangover," compelling them to hide.
    • "Shame is the emotion that makes a person want to hide...their own relationship to themselves. They believe, 'Oh, this part of me, this open, vulnerable part of me is weak and defective or shameful.'" – Thais Gibson [04:34]
  • Notably, the DA's withdrawal is not caused by the partner; the DA’s own core wounds are the root cause.

• Flight from Conflict:

  • Many DAs lack healthy conflict resolution models, leading to a "learned helplessness" around relational ruptures.
    • "I’ve had people in my life who are dismissive avoidant, tell me...I didn’t realize that when you have a fight with a friend, that the relationship is repairable...No, no, no, my friend’s being serious." – Thais Gibson [10:40]
  • Instead of engaging, their trauma response (flight/freeze) takes over.

• Inability to Communicate Needs:

  • When needs are not met and communication feels impossible, DAs may fade out, disconnecting sometimes permanently.
    • "If a DA is just feeling like they’re not getting their needs met and don’t know how to communicate about that, then you may see this sort of increased disconnect." – Thais Gibson [12:06]

3. The Realities and Patterns of DA Avoidance

[12:20-15:00]

• Withdrawal is an attempt to avoid uncomfortable feelings, not a conscious indictment or rejection of the partner.
• Unless addressed, these avoidance patterns will resurface across different relationships and contexts.
  • "It’s the coping mechanism in our ability to move through things that actually solves for them, not our ability to keep running." – Thais Gibson [13:02]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the "Shame Hangover":
  "You hear Brene Brown talk about a shame hangover. Well, this is like, that's a very DA concept." – Thais Gibson [05:10]

• On DA’s Perception of Conflict:
  "Dismissive avoidants often just don’t have modeling for working through conflict. They get into a sense of learned helplessness around it." – Thais Gibson [10:55]

• Advice for Self-Reflection and Growth:
  "If you are dismissive avoidant and you resonate with any of those things...it is so worth working on because it gives you the opportunity...to actually work through things and feel like there’s room and freedom in relationships." – Thais Gibson [13:35]

Important Timestamps

• [00:00] – Introduction to common DA withdrawal scenarios
• [01:53] – Description of DA disappearance after conflict
• [04:34] – Deep dive into shame and the DA’s response to vulnerability
• [05:10] – The "shame hangover" concept
• [10:40] – Anecdote: DA’s view on repair after conflict
• [12:06] – DAs withdrawing when unable to communicate needs
• [13:02] – Patterns persisting unless addressed
• [13:35] – Encouragement for DAs to pursue healing and change

Summary Flow

Thais Gibson breaks down the DA’s withdrawal behavior into three primary paths: after intimacy/vulnerability, after conflict, and when needs aren’t communicated. She emphasizes these are rooted in deep shame, poor conflict resolution modeling, and subconscious avoidance—not a reflection of the partner’s worth. Gibson provides vivid, relatable examples, encourages growth on both sides of the equation, and normalizes these reactions as human but workable challenges.

Takeaways

• DA withdrawal is about self-protection from uncomfortable feelings, not personal rejection.
• Understanding core wounds and avoidance patterns is crucial for both partners and DAs themselves.
• Working on communication and emotional comfort leads to healthier, more resilient relationships, reducing the urge to "go missing."