Podcast Summary: The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: What the Dismissive Avoidant Is REALLY DOING When They Go Missing
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: December 31, 2025

Episode Overview

In this enlightening episode, Thais Gibson delves into the inner world of the dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style, focusing on what actually happens when DAs retreat or "go missing" from relationships. Drawing from integrated attachment theory, Gibson explains the emotional mechanisms and patterns behind the DA's withdrawal and offers practical guidance for both those with DA tendencies and their loved ones.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Common Scenarios Where DAs Withdraw

[00:00-02:45]

Two Core Trajectories When DAs Go Missing:
- Post-Vulnerability Withdrawal: After a period of emotional closeness or vulnerability—such as sharing intimate stories—someone with a DA style may suddenly withdraw for days at a time, leaving the partner confused.
  - "You think everything’s going very, very well...then the next day, the dismissive avoidant goes missing for three, maybe four days at a time." – Thais Gibson [00:45]
- Post-Conflict Withdrawal: DAs may also disappear after a disagreement, unmet needs, or tension, instead of working things through.
  - "There’s a bit of a conflict, a bit of a pain point...and then instead, you see, again, this big withdrawal." – Thais Gibson [01:53]

2. The Psychology Behind DA Withdrawal

[02:45-10:00]

Shame and Vulnerability:
- DAs harbor core wounds centered on emotional expression being seen as weak or defective.
- Vulnerability often triggers a "shame hangover," compelling them to hide.
  - "Shame is the emotion that makes a person want to hide...their own relationship to themselves. They believe, 'Oh, this part of me, this open, vulnerable part of me is weak and defective or shameful.'" – Thais Gibson [04:34]
- Notably, the DA's withdrawal is not caused by the partner; the DA’s own core wounds are the root cause.
Flight from Conflict:
- Many DAs lack healthy conflict resolution models, leading to a "learned helplessness" around relational ruptures.
  - "I’ve had people in my life who are dismissive avoidant, tell me...I didn’t realize that when you have a fight with a friend, that the relationship is repairable...No, no, no, my friend’s being serious." – Thais Gibson [10:40]
- Instead of engaging, their trauma response (flight/freeze) takes over.
Inability to Communicate Needs:
- When needs are not met and communication feels impossible, DAs may fade out, disconnecting sometimes permanently.
  - "If a DA is just feeling like they’re not getting their needs met and don’t know how to communicate about that, then you may see this sort of increased disconnect." – Thais Gibson [12:06]

3. The Realities and Patterns of DA Avoidance

[12:20-15:00]

Withdrawal is an attempt to avoid uncomfortable feelings, not a conscious indictment or rejection of the partner.
Unless addressed, these avoidance patterns will resurface across different relationships and contexts.
- "It’s the coping mechanism in our ability to move through things that actually solves for them, not our ability to keep running." – Thais Gibson [13:02]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On the "Shame Hangover":
"You hear Brene Brown talk about a shame hangover. Well, this is like, that's a very DA concept." – Thais Gibson [05:10]
On DA’s Perception of Conflict:
"Dismissive avoidants often just don’t have modeling for working through conflict. They get into a sense of learned helplessness around it." – Thais Gibson [10:55]
Advice for Self-Reflection and Growth:
"If you are dismissive avoidant and you resonate with any of those things...it is so worth working on because it gives you the opportunity...to actually work through things and feel like there’s room and freedom in relationships." – Thais Gibson [13:35]

Important Timestamps

[00:00] – Introduction to common DA withdrawal scenarios
[01:53] – Description of DA disappearance after conflict
[04:34] – Deep dive into shame and the DA’s response to vulnerability
[05:10] – The "shame hangover" concept
[10:40] – Anecdote: DA’s view on repair after conflict
[12:06] – DAs withdrawing when unable to communicate needs
[13:02] – Patterns persisting unless addressed
[13:35] – Encouragement for DAs to pursue healing and change

Summary Flow

Thais Gibson breaks down the DA’s withdrawal behavior into three primary paths: after intimacy/vulnerability, after conflict, and when needs aren’t communicated. She emphasizes these are rooted in deep shame, poor conflict resolution modeling, and subconscious avoidance—not a reflection of the partner’s worth. Gibson provides vivid, relatable examples, encourages growth on both sides of the equation, and normalizes these reactions as human but workable challenges.

Takeaways

DA withdrawal is about self-protection from uncomfortable feelings, not personal rejection.
Understanding core wounds and avoidance patterns is crucial for both partners and DAs themselves.
Working on communication and emotional comfort leads to healthier, more resilient relationships, reducing the urge to "go missing."

Transcript

A (0:00)

Most people have no idea what a dismissive avoidant is actually doing when they retreat and go silent. And this coping mechanism that they are actually partaking in will absolutely shock you. So in today's video, we are going to unpack what the dismissive avoidant is actually doing and what's truly happening when they retreat, withdraw, go offline, perhaps go missing for a few days at a time so you can better understand them and exactly how you should show up to make sure you are also looking out for yourself. This is a topic I get many, many questions about, and it's a big theme that tends to happen, and you'll see that it usually follows one of a couple of trajectories. Trajectory number one is you think everything's going very, very well in your relationship. You're a few weeks into dating, maybe a few months into dating, and all of a sudden you have, like, a really vulnerable conversation. Maybe you really connect, share, like, more intimate childhood experience memories. You sort of really open up emotionally in some form. And from opening up, you think, wow, like, we're moving our relationship to such a great place. Everything's going so well. It seems like we're progressing. And then the next day, the dismissive woman goes missing for three, maybe four days at a time. It could be that they go missing completely or that there's very spotty and withdrawn communication in the form of, like, short text messages, short answers, canceled plans, canceled phone calls, things like that. And you're like, well, what's going on? Another trajectory that often happens is there's a bit of a conflict, a bit of a pain point, a friction point. Maybe you communicate a need. It's not well received by your da partner or loved one. Maybe there is just a point of contention where you guys are both sort of like, being passive aggressive with one another, getting frustrated with each other. There's something going on where you're just feeling like things are not lining up. And when this takes place, sure enough, you think, okay, well, we'll work through this. We'll. We'll solve this. Like, we've been in a great place in the past few weeks. You know, we can work this through. And then instead, you see, again, this big withdrawal all of a sudden, the relationship dynamic where the person just kind of goes offline for a few days at a time. It can also be that this happens sort of seemingly out of the blue and is sort of foreshadowed by a little bit of an increase in declined communication and conversation. Right? So you see, like, even more disconnect taking place. And all of a sudden there's a full withdrawal for a few days at a time. So what's going on when this is happening? Like, what's taking place and what can you do about it? Well, often, if we go through each of those major trajectories, the first big thing is when there's a lot of vul vulnerability on trajectory one, you've got that nice evening, you're sharing, you're opening up, you're being more emotionally involved. Dismissive avoidance of a lot of core fears about their own emotions. And I talk about this a lot from an integrated attachment theory perspective, which essentially overlaps traditional attachment theory with core wounds, needs of each style, emotional patterns, boundaries, and communication patterns. And what we'll see is that dismissal avoidants have core wounds that say, if I show my emotions, I am weak. If I express my emotions, my emotions in this vulnerable part of me is defective. It gets neglected. It's not going to get its needs met. And so there tends to be, with feeling weak and defective, a shame response. Now, shame is the emotion that makes a person want to hide. When you feel ashamed, you want to run out of the room. If you've ever felt embarrassed for something, your face goes hot. You just want to get out of whatever the situation is. Often what happens is DAs may open up, and even if they didn't say anything funny or strange or anything like that, their own relationship to themselves. They believe, oh, this part of me, this open, vulnerable part of me is weak and defective or shameful. And they actually can go through this sort of like, you know, almost like residual effect of feeling that shame the next day. And it's almost like their own shame hangover. You hear Brene Brown talk about a shame hangover. Well, this is like, that's a very DA concept, right? Maybe FA with a strong da side, but generally a very DA concept. And so what's essentially happening is, is you're seeing this person go, oh, my gosh, you know, I'm feeling all the shame. And now I need to hide from this person that was the source of making me feel that shame. And their guard goes back up, and their fears are really online, and they may not want to go back near you as the source. Not that you're actually the source at all. Just so you know, it would be that the person, the dismissive ones own core wounds are the source, their own fears. But you are the catalyst. But they. They misperceive you as the source, basically, right? And so, oh, my gosh, I have to get away from this whole sit situation in general as a subconscious strategy to avoid my own feelings of shame. So that's sort of trajectory number one. Are you feeling like there's a lack of resolution between yourself and other family members in your life? Well, if so, I have a free gift for you. It is our healing family dynamics course. And you get to literally keep it for free for life. It helps you understand your wounds and triggers and family dynamics. It helps you learn how to communicate and actually create resolution. And it also helps you assess whether or not you might need stronger boundaries with a certain family member if they're not healthy for you. And this is ultimately you can have completely for free. And you get to keep as a gift for life. It's my holiday season gift to you and you get to keep it when you check out our seven day free trial to the personal development school. So I hope you enjoy it and I hope this really helps you find the resolution, the comfort and just the certainty around these things that you might have been looking for for a long time. And the link to check it out for a limited time is down below. Trajectory number two is there's a conflict. Now, I've had people in my life who are dismissive, avoidant, tell me about other people in their life. Oh, I had a fight with a friend and I didn' realize that when you have a fight with a friend that the relationship is repairable. I thought that that was it, the friendship's over. And I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine who was da about this and being like, what do you mean? Go resolve the fight with your friend. What do you mean the friendship's over? Like, and sort of thinking it was a joke and then realizing, oh no, no, no, my friend's being serious. But you know, it really illustrates that dismissive avoidance often just don't have modeling for working through conflict. They get into a sense of learned helplessness around it. So there's an argument or a conflict in a romantic relationship unless there's like a lot of investment, a lot of stuff really going on. If it's especially like early days, things like that, dismissive points might just sort of fly the other direction, like run for the hills. And it's not because you are not worth fighting for or, you know, the conflict was so bad, it's because they have so much learned helplessness around properly working through it and dealing with it. That just feels confusing and overwhelming. And so that trauma response, that flight response comes online and dismissive avoidants are responding to Their own subconscious strategies to deal with that trauma response. Right? So flight, being one of the four major trauma responses, sometimes freeze as well. And sort of a combination of those things prevent the DA from reaching back out. So when they don't know how to deal with conflicts, feel really uncomfortable to try to avoid their own painful emotions around the situation, they just avoid the situation. Right? Which is really just a DA trying to avoid themselves, their own experiences and feelings. So you see those first two major pieces. The other one is if a DA is just feeling like they're not getting their needs met and don't know how to communicate about that, then you may see this sort of increased disconnect. And then essentially what takes place is eventually they go, okay, well, I don't know how to communicate about my needs. It's not really a conscious thought process. It's just a subconscious thing taking place. And so they go, okay, well, this isn't working for me. And they can sort of, again, run the other direction before having the opportunity to properly talk things through or work things out. And so these tend to be like major causes. You'll see the DA Sort of go running for a few days at a time time. Sometimes they sort of move back into the dynamic. But in that third case, they may sort of ghost a situation or leave a situation more permanently. And again, it has so much to do with their own lack of modeling and understanding, but how to communicate with another person to work some of these pain points and patterns out. So if you are dismissive, avoidant, and you resonate with any of those things, you're like, oh, my gosh, I do this. These are my patterns. I see that it is so worth working on because it gives you the opportunity as a person to actually work through things and feel like there's room and freedom in relationships to, like, talk things through, resolve them, not feel like there's this, like, pressure hanging over your head or lingering in the background that you feel like, oh, I can respond to by running away. Right. That doesn't really help the situation, but just this avoidance strategy. And you'll see that that same situation will often pop back up in different forms in your life. Because it's the coping mechanism in our ability to move through things that actually solves for them, not our ability to keep running things that are a normal part of the human experience that will come back around in different ways in your relationships and your work relationships and all these different forms that will take place. So it's very worth working on, very worth understanding that there's a better way, a better way out of these uncomfortable feelings as well. So hopefully this makes a lot of sense. Thank you for watching, for being here. Please, like, share and subscribe to this channel if you haven't already, and I will see you in the next video.