Podcast Summary: The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: When A Dismissive Avoidant Argues with An Anxious Attachment Style

Host: Thais Gibson
Date: November 21, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson delivers a “mini masterclass” on how arguments between those with anxious and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles can become destructive cycles—and exactly how to interrupt them. Drawing from over a decade of research and client experience, she presents five actionable steps that transform conflict into an opportunity for intimacy and resolution. The episode is packed with practical frameworks and compassionate insights for anyone struggling with push-pull relationship dynamics.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding the Attachment Dynamic

Timestamp: 00:00–03:30

• Thais introduces the “holding pattern” frequently experienced in anxious/dismissive-avoidant relationships—one partner seeking closeness, the other withdrawing.
• She emphasizes that, while painful, these cycles can be shifted with the right tools, and that most people never get properly taught how to handle conflict in relationships:

  "It is the most frustrating thing ever...when you really love and care about somebody and you feel like you just can't get to the bottom of things or create resolution." —Thais [01:00]

2. Step One: Know Your Triggers

Timestamp: 03:30–08:00

• Anxious Attachment Core Wounds: Triggered by feelings of abandonment, being unloved, not good enough, unimportant, unseen/unheard, emotionally unsafe, or excluded.
• Dismissive-Avoidant Core Wounds: Triggered by feelings of defectiveness or shame, fear of being trapped, vulnerability (“I am weak”), being misunderstood, unsafe in conflict, or helpless (“Why bother?”).
• Naming and understanding these triggers is foundational:

  “Just knowing and putting a language to the things that get under your skin...is really powerful and meaningful to do.” —Thais [07:50]

3. Step Two: Practice Somatic Processing

Timestamp: 08:00–12:10

• When triggered, tune into bodily sensations (heat in the stomach, hollowness, heaviness, etc.).
• Cite: Neuroimaging research shows that labeling bodily sensations during emotional upset ("affect labeling") helps deactivate the brain’s alarm system, shifting it from reactivity to logical processing.

• “As soon as participants were able to describe the sensations in their body...they went out of this in their mind, where they were triggered by their own thoughts...and by coming back and getting present in their bodies, it actually created a de-escalating effect.” —Thais [10:25]

4. Step Three: Stick to One Topic Per Conversation

Timestamp: 12:10–14:55

• Avoid overwhelming your partner with multiple grievances at once—address one issue at a time for effective communication and problem-solving.

• “If you say, I'm feeling upset about these last nine things that happened, you will spin your wheels in any kind of conflict and you'll never be able to solve anything...” —Thais [13:10]

5. Steps Four & Five: The Validation-and-Need Framework

Timestamp: 14:55–20:00

• Framework: Each person expresses their perspective (feelings/needs) and receives validation. Think: Perspective → Need → Perspective → Need.
• Example Argument Cycle:
  • Anxious partner, hurt by withdrawal, becomes critical (“Do you even care?”).
  • Dismissive-avoidant partner feels criticized, triggers shame, withdraws more.
  • Both are trapped in a "trigger cycle."
• How to Break the Cycle:
  • Each expresses their feeling (“I feel hurt when...”) and their need (“What I really need is...”), avoiding blame or criticism.
  • Each acknowledges the other’s experience and, where possible, apologizes or offers empathy.
• Sample dialogue:

  “Hey, I notice you pulling away more, and I'm feeling very hurt right now. What I'm really needing is...to know that you care and to have a little bit more consistency, if we can work towards that.” —Thais [16:40, modeling anxious partner] “I can work toward that. I may not be perfect, but also I need you to be mindful in your delivery, because that hurts me too.” —Thais [17:15, modeling dismissive partner]

• Validation of both experiences and explicit discussion of needs allows for constructive resolution.

6. Core Insight on Conflict

Timestamp: 19:52–20:32

• The real issue in conflict is not right vs. wrong, but longing to be seen, heard, and understood.

• “People think that they're arguing about being right and wrong, but they're actually arguing about feeling seen and heard and understood by the people they love. And it's painful when that's not happening.” —Thais [20:10]

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “Relationships do not have to be hard. The problem is most people are at a deficit going into relationships if you didn't have healthy modeling yourself in childhood.” —Thais [02:40]
• “Dismissive avoidance in particular...get relief by just shutting down and pushing away.” —Thais [06:40]
• “What do I need to feel relief? If you don't know, this is going to be your approach.” —Thais [18:45]

Important Timestamps

• [01:00] — On the pain of unsolved conflict in intimate bonds
• [03:40] — Defining anxious vs. dismissive-avoidant triggers
• [10:25] — How somatic processing shifts emotional states
• [13:10] — Pitfalls of multi-topic confrontation
• [16:40] — Example of how to communicate needs and feelings clearly
• [20:10] — The deeper reason behind most arguments

Tone & Style

Thais maintains a warm, empathetic, and educational tone throughout, mixing evidence-based practice with lived experience and encouragement. She speaks directly to listeners’ struggles, offering reassurance that these patterns are transformable with the right knowledge and practice.

Summary Takeaways

• Recognize and name your triggers (from your attachment style) as the first step to better conflict management.
• Tune into your body to de-escalate emotional intensity through somatic processing and affect labeling.
• Tackle one issue at a time—avoid overloading your partner (or yourself) in the heat of an argument.
• Use the “perspective-need” framework: each person expresses their emotional experience and what they specifically need to feel relief or resolution, followed by reciprocal validation.
• Arguments in these dynamics are rarely about “the issue”—they’re about longing to feel seen and understood.

For more, Thais invites listeners to ongoing live streams and expanded content on attachment and relationship dynamics.