Podcast Summary: When the Avoidant Won’t Commit, A Secure Person Reacts Like THIS

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Host: Thais Gibson
Episode Date: January 21, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson dives deep into a common relationship dilemma: how a securely attached person responds when a dismissive avoidant partner won’t commit. Thais unpacks the different timelines and expectations for commitment among various attachment styles, shows how securely attached individuals communicate their needs without ultimatums or people-pleasing, and provides actionable scripts and mindsets for those seeking to move toward secure attachment.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Attachment Styles and Commitment Timelines

Understanding Timeline Differences
- Each attachment style (Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, Secure, Fearful Avoidant) has its own pace for moving toward commitment in relationships.
- Anxious-Preoccupied (AP): Ready to commit quickly—sometimes as early as two weeks, with escalating desire for commitment between 4-8 weeks.
  
  “APs are ready to be in a committed relationship around like sometimes as early as the two week mark...the pressure to commit around like four weeks, six weeks, eight weeks." (01:18)
- Dismissive Avoidant (DA): Moves much slower, typically needing three to six months before even considering commitment.
  
  "Their general timeline to which they make a commitment often is like three to six months." (02:05)
- Secure & Fearful Avoidant (FA): Generally, securely attached individuals and FAs hover around a 2.5–4 month timeframe, though for different reasons.
- The context (friends first, long-distance, daily contact) alters these general guidelines.

2. Secure Reactions to Non-Commitment

Emotional Approach and Mindset
- Secure individuals recognize and honor their own needs and respect that others might have different timelines.
- They do not take the avoidant’s hesitation personally or assume it means something negative about themselves.
- Instead of becoming anxious or accusatory, they seek clarity through open conversation.
  
  "The securely attached person would recognize that not everybody follows the same expectations as they do...They would be able to hold what their needs are, but also hold empathy, understanding and awareness." (03:20)

3. How a Secure Person Communicates Needs

Sample Conversation Style
- Secure people approach the situation with both clarity and empathy, expressing their position without issuing ultimatums. Example script:
  
  "I really enjoyed getting to know you...I've had a great time these past few months and I’m definitely in a place where I could see this being something and going somewhere. I also value and care about my own time and so I don’t want to be investing with that intention if you’re not on the same page...So what I am needing from you is a confirmation that you see this also moving in that type of direction long term.” (05:14)
Key Behaviors
- Clearly state what they want and value.
- Accept that the partner may have a different timeline.
- Avoid pressuring or threatening.
- Are willing to assert boundaries if key needs remain unmet.

4. Boundaries and Natural Consequences

Healthy Enforcement of Standards
- If the avoidant partner is non-committal or there is no movement, the secure person provides clarity and natural consequences, without threats:
  
  "I do also want to let you know that I really value my time and I really care about where I’m investing it...If I don’t see progression in the next little while, then I will follow up with you, and if we haven’t been able to make a decision together...then I will have to just take a step back because I’m looking for somebody who’s ready to commit in a relationship." (10:41)
- This stance isn’t threatening; it’s about self-respect and clarity.
- “There’s no immediate pressure, there’s no ultimatum. But there is like this self respect...I know what I want, I'm clear and I'm here to back myself and my standards and that's it. And jump on board or don't jump on board.” (13:49)

5. Why This Matters for Personal Growth

Secure reactions are about communication, boundaries, and self-respect.
This approach avoids getting stuck in the “gray area” and helps both parties clarify their intentions.
For anxious-leaning listeners, Thais stresses that these conversations, while uncomfortable, are where real transformation and healing happen.

"In having those conversations, that's how we see the transformation and that's also how you become more secure because you're backing yourself." (15:17)

Notable Quotes

On Secure Perspective:

"They're not like, 'Oh, I'm not good enough'...Instead they tend to be more approach-oriented in their behavior and try to ask questions rather than make assumptions." (04:21)
On Communicating Without Ultimatums:

"There is, like, showing that person that there's a natural consequence for them not showing up. Right? And it's healthy. This is how we back ourselves. This is how we have boundaries." (11:57)
On Transformation Through Secure Action:

"By having those conversations, that’s how we see the transformation and that's also how you become more secure because you're backing yourself in the right, you're sure what you want, you've got your standards, you're not willing to just tiptoe around." (15:00)

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | | ------------- | ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- | | 00:00–03:00 | Overview of attachment styles’ commitment timelines | | 03:00–05:30 | Secure individuals’ attitudes toward mismatched timelines | | 05:30–07:30 | Example script: how a secure person communicates about commitment | | 07:30–10:41 | Consequences and following up when needs/goals are not met | | 10:41–13:49 | Boundaries, natural consequences, remaining firm without threats or pleas | | 13:49–15:30 | Why this approach fosters secure habits and transformation |

Memorable Moments

Thais's Sample Script (05:14): Her example of how a secure person addresses the topic is practical and empowering—listeners can tailor it to their own style.
On Avoiding “Gray Areas” (13:49): Thais strongly emphasizes that secure individuals don’t get stuck in indefinite limbo, modeling self-respect.
Encouragement toward Growth (15:00): The episode concludes with empowering advice, stressing that these behaviors build genuine security—regardless of your starting point.

Conclusion and Call to Action

Thais wraps up by encouraging listeners to try this style of communication for their own well-being and relational clarity. She previews a potential future episode focused on fearful avoidants and invites listener questions.

Transcript

A (0:00)

Have you ever wondered how a securely attached person acts when a dismissive avoidant doesn't commit in a relationship? How does a securely attached person react? What do they say? How do they respond when they don't feel like they are getting reciprocation and equal investment that they are putting in? Well, in today's video we are going to break down exactly that and most importantly, how you can reverse engineer exactly those ingredients in your own life and in your own healing journey so you can feel as confident as a secure person does in how to respond to something that may no longer be serving you. So first and foremost, one of the most important things to address is that in that dating stage of relationships, that very first stage where we're getting to know somebody, each attachment style has a unique timeline that they generally tend to expect somebody to make a commitment along. So a securely attached person has a different set of ideas about how long between meeting somebody and then like really committing to a relationship that framework should be versus an anxious preoccupied person, for example. So generally for APs, APs are ready to like be in a committed relationship around like sometimes as early as the two week mark, and usually that range starts to sort of up the ante in terms of the pressure. The AP feels a lot more like pressure to commit around like four weeks, six weeks, eight weeks, like right around that time, APs are really ready to commit. Now if you look at a dismissive avoidant, dismissive avoidance, their general timeline to which they make a commitment often is like three to six months tends to be the range. So at two months, like that eight week period for aps, they're not even anywhere near being ready for that. So you can see right away in the early dating stage just how complicated that will make things, let alone that they have a totally different set of subconscious rules and ideas about how to give and receive love to one another. So with that being said, you know, a securely attached person actually tends to share a similar timeline of expectations to a fearful avoidant person. And this tends to be between two and a half in the early stages to about three to four months. So that sort of range. And again, please keep in mind, this range will be dependent on a whole bunch of other factors. Like it's not so cut and dry because are you friends first before you start dating? Do you see each other every day? Do you work in the same place? Are you long distance? Like all of those things will have a very different impact. But as a general rule, the types of patterns I would see the Most securely attached people are usually waiting for the first two and a half months to really vet somebody. And that may be the time that they're ready to make a commitment. Usually around the three month mark is more accurate and we'll usually see that kind of time to properly vet a partner. So when we then pair that up with a dismissive, avoidant individual. And keep in mind too, like I know I mentioned the FA timeline, the FA has that three to four month timeline for different reasons, right? Like they may share that same timeline, but it's often because the FA is kind of going from their anxious to their avoidant side and constantly has this like mixed set of feelings about how to commit or whether or not to commit. Whereas the securely attached person is usually taking the appropriate amount of time to just vet, to ask the right questions, to really establish like is this the right relationship for me? And I'm, am I the right person for this relationship? And they're usually really getting to know somebody intentionally with fun sending out that information as being the goal. So then when we have a dismissive avoidance, right, they're looking like four to six months. And so let's say for example, that we have somebody who's more intensively da, like a more intense dismissive avoidant and somebody who's, you know, secure with like a little bit of anxious preoccupied in there. So let's say they're secure, they're ready to really date around the, or to commit to a relationship around the three month mark. Okay, let's say even like two and a half month mark. And let's say our more extreme DA is looking at around six months. What would the securely attached person do in that situation? How would they approach the conversation? Well, the securely attached person first and foremost would recognize that not everybody follows the same expectations as they do. Right? Everybody has different timelines, everybody has different needs, they have different expectations. So while they wouldn't dismiss their own needs, they would be able to hold what their needs are, but also hold empathy, understanding and awareness for the fact that somebody else probably moves at a different pace than they do because they have a unique background and upbringing and set of expectations for how they do relationships. And the, the securely attached person would not be taking that personally. Right? They're not like, oh, I'm not good enough or you know, they're doing something bad behind my back and that's why they won't commit. They don't rush to make these assumptions. Instead they tend to be more approach oriented in their behavior and try to ask Questions rather than make assumptions and kind of get to the bott. Now, the way that a securely attached person might approach the situation is first to let the person know how they are feeling. Right? And it's interesting because we'll see like a fearful avoidant, usually we'll just hold things in. Anxious preoccupied can also sometimes hold back and not say too much because they're afraid of pushing that person away. So as a way to maintain more closeness, they kind of silence their needs and go into people pleasing the other person's needs. But generally for anxious preoccupied, we'll see that kind of come out more in different ways. So a securely attached person would approach this missive avoidance, say, hey look, I really been enjoying getting. Enjoying getting to know you. I've had a great time these past few months and I'm definitely in a place where I could see this being something and going somewhere. And so while I'm not saying that this has to be this immediate decision, I'm letting you know that I definitely want a commitment longer term. That's the path I see this taking. But I also value and care about my own time and so I don't want to be investing in with that intention in mind for the future if you're not on the same page. So what I am needing from you is a confirmation that you see this also moving in that type of direction long term. So do you see like. So that sounds very formal. Like obviously I'm speaking very formally. You would put that into the words of like, how you're actually going to have a conversation with your loved one. But they would be really clear. They would say, I've arrived at a conclusion. Right. I can see this going somewhere. I also care about my own time. I'm not asking you to make a decision right now that we have to be exclusive this moment. I'm okay with you having a slightly different timeline, but I need to know that directionally you're moving in that space and that within the next period of time you're going to see that this can be a good place for us to go to. So they're looking out. The securely attached person is looking out for their needs. They're supporting their frame of reference for what their intentions are in the relationship. They feel fully confident in expressing that and they're able to hold the other person's point of view and kind of empathize with somebody being different than they are and maybe being slower moving, maybe needing more time to make commitments, but making a stance. Right. They're being able to communicate, show up back themselves, say this is what I'm looking for and I value my own time. So if you're not also moving in that direction, tell me because then I can make a decision according to that information. So there's no like what are we? That kind of pops out of the blue. There's no like hey, I need to know something right now. Are you making a commitment or not? There is no like immediate pressure which we know is first of all going to push the dismissive avoidant in the totally opposite direction. And on top of that there's not like a people pleasing where they're unwilling to communicate what their stance is and what they're needing and then just resent it, resent the person later on. They're also not willing to get caught in the gray area forever. And they're also not willing to, to put themselves in a position where they're going to try to not, you know, try to play it cool, let's say. And then you know that pressure is going to come out in different ways, right? These indirect ways which ultimately just makes somebody feel so much more pressured. So that's that part. Now what would the securely attached person then do if their, their person they're dating was like not responding to that type of conversation or didn't give a good answer to that situation? Right. Like what would they then do at that point? If you really want to do some in depth healing around these things, we a codependency and enmeshment which is usually a root cause of why you end up chasing avoidance by the way course that you can check out fully for free and actually keep for life. It's a free gift, it's a giveaway. And with that you also get a 7 day free trial access to all of PDS at the same time. So if you want help and support, that course will really help you. If you struggle with emotional over functioning, if you struggle with keeping your boundaries, honoring your truth, not self silencing, the course will really go into all of the reasons why this happens and what you can do instead. And I'll put the link for free for you below. Now when we look at this different dynamic, right and the securely attached person goes into having this conversation, they brought that up to the dismissive avoidant and let's say in response the dismissive avoidance like I don't know what I want or they're like you know what maybe, but I don't know. Or let's say they say yes, I am on the same page but then all this time passes and the needle hasn't moved. The securely attached person would then follow up with more clarity, more specificity, and then with backing themselves a step further. So in that next case or conversation, they might say, and even if it's in the same conversation, conversation, totally fine. If you don't know. I very much understand that we have different timelines and ideas about how long things should take to draw those conclusions. I do also want to let you know that I really value my time and I really care about, like, where I'm investing it. So I'll give you some time and space to sort that out, to figure that out. But if I don't see something that looks like it's a progression and it's substantial within the next couple of months or the next few weeks, or insert your kind of timeline that seems relevant, ideally don't tell somebody, like, within 24 hours, like, you don't want it to seem like an ultimatum. You want to give space and time for somebody to figure it out. But you would say, if I don't see progression in the next little while, then I will follow up with you. And if we haven't been able to make a decision together to progress, and I will have to just take a step back because I'm looking for somebody who's ready to commit in a relationship, and that. That's valuable to me and that's important to me for where I'm at right now. And so there's not, like, a threat, right? There's no, like, if you don't make a decision, I'm out of here. There's no threat, but there is, like, showing that person that there's a natural consequence for them not showing up. Right? And it's healthy. This is how we back ourselves. This is how we have boundaries. This is how we, like, show up and communicate in a healthy way. And it's showing that there's these natural consequences, like if you're not ready to move the needle. And that's what I want. And that's where my time, like, that's my timeline that I'm looking for a commitment within. And I don't see any progression. And, like, for me, I don't want to be with somebody who's not willing to have that kind of progression. Now, don't say it like that, right? Say it like how I said it a minute ago and using the kind of, like, script I gave you. But that's you fully backing yourself. The vast majority of time. When I work with clients on these types of things and they would have those conversations. Das would respond very well to those sorts of things because there's no immediate pressure, there's no ultimatum. But there is like this self respect. There is like, hey, I know what I want, I'm clear and I'm here to back myself and my standards and that's it. And jump on board or don't jump on board. I really enjoy spending time with you. I really like you. But if you're not ready and you're not willing to make a commitment, I'm also not going to get stuck in this gray area with you because I'm clear about my boundaries. So it just, it's this healthy kind of win, win. And at the end of the day I know it can be scary to have those conversations, especially if you're a little bit more anxious leaning. But in having those conversations that's how we see the transformation and that's also how you become more secure because you're backing yourself in the right, you're sure what you want, you've got your standards, you're not willing to kind of just tiptoe around or get stuck in this gray area for so long and you're showing people how you want to be treated. So I hope this makes sense. I hope this is helpful. I will definitely do a follow up video about this for the fearful avoidant version and let me know any other questions you have down in the comments below. Especially if there's things that you want to know, like how would a secure person XYZ like let me know what you're curious about from that perspective. Thank you so much for watching. Thank you for being here. If you enjoy this channel, please consider liking subscribing sharing this video and I will see you in future videos.