The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: When the Fearful Avoidant Realizes You're DONE TRYING, They Do THIS

Date: January 16, 2026
Host: Thais Gibson

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson breaks down the four major reactions of individuals with a Fearful Avoidant attachment style when they realize you are truly done trying in the relationship. She explores the emotional journey that Fearful Avoidants go through—often surprising both themselves and their partners—and offers valuable insights both for Fearful Avoidants and those in relationships with them. Thais pulls from both her clinical experience and personal story, aiming to empower listeners to understand, navigate, and ultimately heal the repetitive and painful relational patterns associated with this attachment style.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Activation of Fear of Abandonment

(00:46 - 04:27)

• When a partner truly stops trying, it triggers deep abandonment fears in the Fearful Avoidant.
• Until that moment, Fearful Avoidants may keep others at "arm’s length," fearing vulnerability and disappointment.
• The internal chaos—desiring love yet fearing it—is rooted in extreme, often contradictory childhood experiences with closeness and fear.
• Quote [03:05]:
  “That part of you that wants love but fears it at the same time… that's because you've been wired that way, with such extreme experiences growing up—some really great, some really horrifying or terrifying and confusing.” — Thais Gibson

2. Swing Into Pursuit

(04:28 - 10:03)

• Paradoxically, when Fearful Avoidants sense real loss, their anxious side propels them to “pursue.”
• They may reach out, declare caring, and attempt to rekindle things—even if they don't actually want a renewed commitment.
• Thais shares a personal story:
  • She describes pulling a partner back after a breakup, only to feel overwhelmed when he reciprocated, leading her to push him away again.
• Notable Moment [07:18]:
  “You break up with them, then you reel them back in, only to push them away again. And that is because I was so unhealed.” — Thais Gibson
• Fearful Avoidants in this stage are often blind to the pain their actions cause others, as they're consumed by internal turmoil (feeling pressured or trapped).
• This push-pull dynamic, Thais cautions, is deeply unhealthy and can spill over into all areas of life—workplace, friendships, family.
• Quote [09:10]:
  “It’s such a distraction to constantly feel back and forth and so ambivalent about any large commitments in your life.” — Thais Gibson

3. Nostalgia and Reminiscence

(10:04 - 13:22)

• When the pursued partner stays withdrawn, Fearful Avoidants often enter a phase of nostalgia.
• They reminisce about good memories, idealize the past, and may fantasize about reconciling—all while keeping a protective barrier up.
• This reflective phase is akin to a "stage of grief."
• Key Insight: This can happen even after short relationships and often includes thoughts like “Did I make a mistake?” or “Will I find someone like that again?”
• Quote [11:19]:
  “You may find yourself wondering, almost like thinking more positively about the past than negatively… This is really common for all fearful avoidants. In fact, I’ve never seen a fearful avoidant not go through this stage.” — Thais Gibson

4. Rewriting the Story and Moving On

(13:23 - 15:02)

• The final stage involves the Fearful Avoidant mentally shutting down: reframing the relationship to focus on all the negatives.
• This reframing (“I didn’t care anyway,” “It was never going to work”) provides emotional closure and certainty.
• This process allows them to disengage. However, it only occurs after cycling through the prior three stages.
• Quote [14:05]:
  “They tell themselves things like, ‘I didn’t care anyways, it doesn’t matter,’ and they look at all the reasons it wasn’t going to work. And they do this to really shut down and go ice cold.” — Thais Gibson

Healing and Transformation

(13:33 - 14:30, interspersed)

• Thais emphasizes that such cycles stem from deeply rooted subconscious fears—abandonment, being trapped, unworthiness—that can be healed with intentional work.
• She encourages listeners to check out her comprehensive healing program for Fearful Avoidants, relying on neuroplasticity, nervous system regulation, and building healthy boundaries.
• Key Message: Healing is possible, and understanding these stages is the first step to breaking free from painful patterns.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “That part of you that wants love but fears it at the same time… that's because you've been wired that way, with such extreme experiences growing up.”
  — Thais Gibson [03:05]

• “You break up with them, then you reel them back in, only to push them away again. And that is because I was so unhealed.”
  — Thais Gibson [07:18]

• “It’s such a distraction to constantly feel back and forth and so ambivalent about any large commitments in your life.”
  — Thais Gibson [09:10]

• “You may find yourself wondering… almost like thinking more positively about the past than negatively. This is really common for all fearful avoidants.”
  — Thais Gibson [11:19]

• “They tell themselves things like, ‘I didn’t care anyways, it doesn’t matter,’ and they look at all the reasons it wasn’t going to work. And they do this to really shut down and go ice cold.”
  — Thais Gibson [14:05]

Key Timestamps

• 00:46–04:27 – Fear of abandonment is triggered
• 04:28–10:03 – Swing into pursuit (including Thais' personal story)
• 10:04–13:22 – The nostalgia/reminiscence stage
• 13:23–15:02 – Final stage: Rewriting the story and emotional shut down
• Throughout – Steps and encouragement for healing the Fearful Avoidant attachment style

Summary

Thais Gibson offers an in-depth look at the Fearful Avoidant attachment style, mapping out the predictable (yet often confusing) emotional patterns triggered when their partner stops trying. With clarity, honesty, and personal experience, she guides listeners through understanding the Fearful Avoidant's journey from fear of abandonment, to pursuit, nostalgia, and, ultimately, detachment. The episode is both a compassionate mirror for those who identify with this pattern and a practical guide for partners seeking understanding and closure. Thais underscores the hope for healing and transformation through dedicated inner work.