When the Fearful Avoidant Realizes You're DONE TRYING, They Do THIS - The Thais Gibson Podcast

The Thais Gibson Podcast

Episode: When the Fearful Avoidant Realizes You're DONE TRYING, They Do THIS

Date: January 16, 2026
Host: Thais Gibson

Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson breaks down the four major reactions of individuals with a Fearful Avoidant attachment style when they realize you are truly done trying in the relationship. She explores the emotional journey that Fearful Avoidants go through—often surprising both themselves and their partners—and offers valuable insights both for Fearful Avoidants and those in relationships with them. Thais pulls from both her clinical experience and personal story, aiming to empower listeners to understand, navigate, and ultimately heal the repetitive and painful relational patterns associated with this attachment style.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Activation of Fear of Abandonment

(00:46 - 04:27)

When a partner truly stops trying, it triggers deep abandonment fears in the Fearful Avoidant.
Until that moment, Fearful Avoidants may keep others at "arm’s length," fearing vulnerability and disappointment.
The internal chaos—desiring love yet fearing it—is rooted in extreme, often contradictory childhood experiences with closeness and fear.
Quote [03:05]:
“That part of you that wants love but fears it at the same time… that's because you've been wired that way, with such extreme experiences growing up—some really great, some really horrifying or terrifying and confusing.” — Thais Gibson

2. Swing Into Pursuit

(04:28 - 10:03)

Paradoxically, when Fearful Avoidants sense real loss, their anxious side propels them to “pursue.”
They may reach out, declare caring, and attempt to rekindle things—even if they don't actually want a renewed commitment.
Thais shares a personal story:
- She describes pulling a partner back after a breakup, only to feel overwhelmed when he reciprocated, leading her to push him away again.
Notable Moment [07:18]:
“You break up with them, then you reel them back in, only to push them away again. And that is because I was so unhealed.” — Thais Gibson
Fearful Avoidants in this stage are often blind to the pain their actions cause others, as they're consumed by internal turmoil (feeling pressured or trapped).
This push-pull dynamic, Thais cautions, is deeply unhealthy and can spill over into all areas of life—workplace, friendships, family.
Quote [09:10]:
“It’s such a distraction to constantly feel back and forth and so ambivalent about any large commitments in your life.” — Thais Gibson

3. Nostalgia and Reminiscence

(10:04 - 13:22)

When the pursued partner stays withdrawn, Fearful Avoidants often enter a phase of nostalgia.
They reminisce about good memories, idealize the past, and may fantasize about reconciling—all while keeping a protective barrier up.
This reflective phase is akin to a "stage of grief."
Key Insight: This can happen even after short relationships and often includes thoughts like “Did I make a mistake?” or “Will I find someone like that again?”
Quote [11:19]:
“You may find yourself wondering, almost like thinking more positively about the past than negatively… This is really common for all fearful avoidants. In fact, I’ve never seen a fearful avoidant not go through this stage.” — Thais Gibson

4. Rewriting the Story and Moving On

(13:23 - 15:02)

The final stage involves the Fearful Avoidant mentally shutting down: reframing the relationship to focus on all the negatives.
This reframing (“I didn’t care anyway,” “It was never going to work”) provides emotional closure and certainty.
This process allows them to disengage. However, it only occurs after cycling through the prior three stages.
Quote [14:05]:
“They tell themselves things like, ‘I didn’t care anyways, it doesn’t matter,’ and they look at all the reasons it wasn’t going to work. And they do this to really shut down and go ice cold.” — Thais Gibson

Healing and Transformation

(13:33 - 14:30, interspersed)

Thais emphasizes that such cycles stem from deeply rooted subconscious fears—abandonment, being trapped, unworthiness—that can be healed with intentional work.
She encourages listeners to check out her comprehensive healing program for Fearful Avoidants, relying on neuroplasticity, nervous system regulation, and building healthy boundaries.
Key Message: Healing is possible, and understanding these stages is the first step to breaking free from painful patterns.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

“That part of you that wants love but fears it at the same time… that's because you've been wired that way, with such extreme experiences growing up.”
— Thais Gibson [03:05]
“You break up with them, then you reel them back in, only to push them away again. And that is because I was so unhealed.”
— Thais Gibson [07:18]
“It’s such a distraction to constantly feel back and forth and so ambivalent about any large commitments in your life.”
— Thais Gibson [09:10]
“You may find yourself wondering… almost like thinking more positively about the past than negatively. This is really common for all fearful avoidants.”
— Thais Gibson [11:19]
“They tell themselves things like, ‘I didn’t care anyways, it doesn’t matter,’ and they look at all the reasons it wasn’t going to work. And they do this to really shut down and go ice cold.”
— Thais Gibson [14:05]

Key Timestamps

00:46–04:27 – Fear of abandonment is triggered
04:28–10:03 – Swing into pursuit (including Thais' personal story)
10:04–13:22 – The nostalgia/reminiscence stage
13:23–15:02 – Final stage: Rewriting the story and emotional shut down
Throughout – Steps and encouragement for healing the Fearful Avoidant attachment style

Summary

Thais Gibson offers an in-depth look at the Fearful Avoidant attachment style, mapping out the predictable (yet often confusing) emotional patterns triggered when their partner stops trying. With clarity, honesty, and personal experience, she guides listeners through understanding the Fearful Avoidant's journey from fear of abandonment, to pursuit, nostalgia, and, ultimately, detachment. The episode is both a compassionate mirror for those who identify with this pattern and a practical guide for partners seeking understanding and closure. Thais underscores the hope for healing and transformation through dedicated inner work.

Transcript

A (0:00)

There are four major things that happen when a fearful avoidant attachment style finally realizes that you are done trying. And these things might really surprise you. So in today's video, we are going to break down exactly what these four things are. And if you're on the receiving end of this, this will help you understand and navigate with more certainty what somebody might be feeling so you can finally have that closure and context. But maybe more importantly, if you are the fearful avoidant yourself, listening to this, this is going to help you understand your inner world better. And we're going to talk about what you can do to heal some of these things so that you don' repeating these painful patterns in your life, especially when it comes to relationships. Now, if you're new here, hello and welcome. My name is Thais Gibson. I'm the founder of Gibson Integrated Attachment Theory, the proven new method that helps you actually rewire your attachment style and as little as 90 days so you can truly heal and really build the best relationships of your life. In today's video, we're going to break down these four things right now. So here's number one. When the fearful avoidant realizes you're done trying, they actually have their fear of abandonment activated. So I think it's really important to note, and this is quite honest, and, you know, this is important for you to recognize if you are a fearful avoidant yourself. You generally, if you feel like after a breakup or if your relationship's on the rocks, you know, if you feel like that person is still there and they're willing and able to invest in you and they want to try and they want to work things out. If you feel like you're not 100% happy in the relationship, these are the things that often cause you to deactivate. You feel like, okay, I'm not sure if I really want to try. I'm not sure if I can keep going. Let me kind of keep this person at arm's length so I don't have to commit to trying too hard or putting myself too out there and feeling too vulnerable and then feeling like I could be let down or disappointed. And this is happening not necessarily consciously, but more subconsciously. But when somebody actually stops trying and they're done as well, it generally activates your fear of abandonment. And this is because fearful avoidant attachment cells really do have, in a sense, both this anxious side to their attachment style and this avoidant side to their attachment style, part of why they pinball between hot and cold so frequently in relationships. And what's also really Important to note is that those two sides of you, that part of you that wants love but fears it at the same time. That's because you've been wired that way. That's because you've been wired with such extreme experiences growing up where you had some really great experiences with love and conn and closeness and relationships and some really horrifying or terrifying and confusing ones. And so this causes you, you know, when you are the fearful avoidant, to feel so confused and kind of conflicted at times where you want closeness but it scares you. You want closeness but the more close you get to somebody, the more you assume you're going to be hurt by them. And so it really is this strange experience of chaos in your inner world. Constantly flip flopping between should I stay or should I go? And when you're not sure, you tend to lean more towards, well, I'm not going to try too hard. But again, when somebody does pull away, it's usually like this sudden feeling of loss on that anxious side of your attachment style. Now this then causes them, number two of four to swing into pursuit. This is where it gets really confusing. Fearful avoidance are really good at going after what they want. They will pursue things, they will be really direct, they'll be really straightforward and they'll know how to really paint this picture of like, I'm here, I care, I miss you, I want to be with you, they're good, it's kind of winning people back and essentially being a little bit persuasive. And if you are a fearful avoidant, you're probably fairly conscious about that with yourself. You probably know that you're pretty good at winning people over and you know, getting your way in things. But here's the difficult part is that oftentimes you swing into pursuit but you don't necessarily want the relationship to work again. And I've seen this time and time again with fearful avoidance. I once was a fearful avoidant. It's part of why I do this work. If you're not familiar with me or you didn't know that about me, I got so into like, how do I rewire this and change this and fix this? And it was one of the best things I ever did for myself in my life. So I'm here to share that with you. But I'll tell you when I remember being in an old relationship, I mean I've been doing this work and did the healing, started my own healing journey about 15 years ago. So it's been a while. But when I was much younger I had a relationship and I broke up with a person because I was just always feeling hot and cold. I was feeling like that person was trying to move too quickly and it was overwhelming me and for sure causing me to feel dysregulated and a little bit trapped, which is a big, fearful avoidant core wound. So eventually pushed this person away. And then when I thought that he was also done investing in the relationship, I activated right. I kind of felt like, oh, wait, did I make the right decision? And I started kind of reaching out and making an effort and actually spent time and hung out with him again. And, and the funny thing, and I eventually apologized for this because I felt badly about how I treated this person and just honestly had no idea I was like 19 years old or 18 or something. But what actually ended up happening is when then he started making an effort back again after I kind of tried to reel him back in. Not consciously, just feeling like, oh, I do miss him. Wait, I made the wrong decision. And trying to spend time together when he finally actually started making an effort back, I was like, no, wait, this isn't what I want. And I ended up just pushing him away all over again. And, you know, I think that a. When you're in your own kind of internal chaos of fearing relationships and fearing connection, I think one of the things that sometimes fearful avoidance are blind to, if I can be really honest, is how much those things hurt and affect other people. Like, I feel like when I was fearful avoidant and in that I was more consumed with like, wait, is this person trying to trap me? They're trying to pressure me. And I was so consumed with that and, and focusing on how that person was making me feel that I wasn't necessari, really conscious of my own actions and how painful that would be for somebody else. You break up with them, then you reel them back in only to push them away again. And that is because I was so unhealed. That is because I had all of these fears in my subconscious mind about relationships and different dynamics. And I want to also say that if I can also be really honest with you, if you are a fearful avoidant listening, you actually want to be mindful about the fact that for you to do that, you're in a lot of pain. And for you to do that, maybe you've become really adjusted to your pain and adaptive and maybe that pain feels normal for you because it's so familiar. And you're always just used to feeling like you're in push, pull and hot and cold and want connection, but fear it. And there's a lot of this sort of inner turmoil taking place within you, but that's not a fun place to be. And honestly, that's not a very healthy place to be operating from, from your whole life. It's such a distraction to constantly feel back and forth on things and so ambivalent about any large commitments in your life. Which, by the way, this spills into, like your workplace commitments, this builds into your friendships and your plans and family commitments. I mean, this spills into. And until you heal those fears within you that you're storing subconsciously these old wounds that you've acquired because you've been imprinted at a subconscious level from painful past experiences, fears of abandonment, fears of being trapped, fears of being helpless, fears of being unworthy, and all of that pressure that puts on you in your life until you actually work through those things, like you're always going to feel back and forth, you're always going to feel ambivalent because there's this acute awareness of, oh my gosh, something could go wrong. And there's this sort of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Okay, so I do just want to be really honest about that. That's a big thing. So we have our first two of four. Fear of abandonment activates. Then you swing into pursuit. But your pursuit doesn't necessarily mean that you're then ready for a committed relationship again. And so it's really important to notice. And then what ends up happening next, which is really interesting, is fearful avoidance. When they realize that, like, okay, somebody's actually not trying, they then tend to move into this third stage, which is this stage of reminiscing, of nostalgia, of wondering what that person is up, trying to kind of connect to this person indirectly. Does the missive avoidance often do this too? But there's this feeling of like, oh, I miss this person, but kind of having this wall or barrier up where you're like, but I'm not going to be with them. And you may find yourself reflecting on more old memories. You may find yourself wondering what that person's up to. You may find yourself wondering, almost like thinking more positively about the past than negatively. And kind of having this full circle awareness where you go from thinking so negatively about the relationship to then having space and distance from it and sort of having this like reconciliation in your mind of the different events. And this is really common for all fearful avoidants. In fact, I've never seen a fearful avoidant not go through this stage, at least at a high Level it doesn't have to be something that like takes up all the space and time in your life, but it's sort of a stage of grief in a way for a fearful avoidant. Even after sometimes quite short lived relationships. And so this sort of. Did I make a mistake? Was it the right thing? What are they up to? Will I find somebody like this again? A lot of those things are normal. Normal themes and patterns for fearful avoidance. Okay, now I'm going to tell you the last thing. This is the really important one. But before I do, I just want to let you know if you are ready in 2026 to actually heal your attachment cell and really change, you can check out our fearful avoidant program. It's designed to actually heal and leverage neuroplasticity and nervous system work to actually heal. Your attachment style at the root, root level. Your subconscious mind, your core wounds, help you understand your needs, regulate your nervous system, develop healthier boundaries and communication patterns so you can work through conf. Those are our five pillars of healing. And you can check it out fully for free for a limited time so you can see if it's a fit for you if you're interested. And it's designed to help you really heal in as little as 90 days. So I will put that down below. And it also comes with a free gift for life. And last but not least point number four is fearful avoidance. When they feel like you are done trying, they eventually end up rewriting the story in their mind. So they tell themselves things like, I didn't care anyways, it doesn't matter. And they look at all the reasons it wasn't going to work and they do this to really shut down and cause themselves to kind of go ice cold. So when they're like, okay, that's it and they've made up their mind and they don't want to go there anymore, they are quite good at thinking of all of the negatives. So it's like they kind of go through this almost boomerang, right where they have this fear of abandonment, then they pursue, then they go into this space of nostalgia if the person's really not trying back or if they decide, no, I can't really commit. And then at the end, what kind of makes it come full circle is they look at all of these things, here's why it wouldn't work, here's why it didn't work. Here are the bad things. And they do this to kind of balance out their perception and it does give them a sense of sort of closure and certainty. And ultimately it's in the act of doing this that causes a fearful avoidant to move on. But they generally go through those three stages first until that last major piece. So I hope this gave you a lot of insight into yourself if you're fearful, avoidant, or some of your patterns and themes, or into somebody in your life if you were checking this out to learn more about them, and if you enjoyed today's video, please like share subscribe to this channel so you don't miss any of our daily content or free course giveaways that I do regularly. And thank you so much for watching and for being here. I truly hope this was helpful for you and I'll see you next time.