The Thais Gibson Podcast – Episode Summary

Episode Title: Why Dismissive Avoidants Want to Act Like They're In A Relationship Without Actually Committing
Host: Thais Gibson
Date: January 28, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode explores why individuals with a Dismissive Avoidant (DA) attachment style often behave as if they're in a committed relationship without fully committing. Thais Gibson breaks down the emotional barriers, subconscious patterns, and relationship dynamics that lead to this common behavior. She also offers practical advice for those dating DAs and highlights tools for understanding and improving attachment patterns.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Understanding Attachment Styles (00:00–02:00)

• Introduction to Attachment Styles:
  • Four main styles: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Fearful-Avoidant, and Dismissive Avoidant.
  • DA is characterized by emotional distance, privacy, and reluctance to commit.

“The dismissive avoidant... tends to be the one in relationships that is, you know, always kind of trying to keep people at bay, is a little more private, more slow to warm up, and generally is the least likely to be really enthusiastic about making commitments in relationships.”
– Thais Gibson (00:50)

2. Reason #1: Lack of Emotional Modeling in Upbringing (02:00–06:15)

• DA’s Emotional Development:
  • Grew up in emotionally neglectful environments; lacked models for healthy emotional connection.
  • Comfortable with intellectual, physical, or sexual connection, but struggle with emotional intimacy.
  • Analogy: If “10 units” of connection are possible, DAs struggle to channel these into the emotional pillar, so focus elsewhere.

“One of the biggest reasons people will end up making commitments... has a lot to do with the emotional pillar. With emotional intimacy, we really want to take other people into consideration... And so when that pillar's growth is stunted, it can be more difficult for dismissive avoidants to really place a lot of emphasis on that.”
– Thais Gibson (04:48)

• Result: DAs can meet most relational needs without committing, downplaying the importance of the emotional bond required for true commitment.

3. Reason #2: Vulnerability Feels Unsafe (06:16–09:30)

• Vulnerability as a ‘Bad Thing’:
  • DAs equate vulnerability with weakness due to unmet needs in childhood.
  • Subconsciously avoid commitments because commitments require vulnerability.
  • Despite logical understanding, their subconscious minds resist vulnerability.

“For the vast majority of dismissive avoidants, they see vulnerability as being weak or shameful because when they were vulnerable as children, their needs usually didn’t get met. And so as an adult, they’re like, ‘Okay, well being vulnerable just hurt me as a child. So I’m going to retract my vulnerability.’”
– Thais Gibson (07:23)

4. Reason #3: Inability to Resolve Conflict (09:31–12:40)

• Conflict Skills Not Modeled:
  • DAs didn’t learn healthy ways to address conflict growing up; avoid difficult conversations.
  • Without conflict resolution, grievances build up into resentment.
  • Fear: Not being ‘stuck’ with a person, but stuck with unresolved issues and negative emotions.

“If instead, as a dismissive avoidant, you don’t know how to have those conversations ... then all that happens instead is you keep holding grievances intrinsically, right?... Eventually it doesn’t feel good to be around people that you love and care about.”
– Thais Gibson (11:04)

• Key insight: DAs may avoid commitment to avoid a buildup of resentment they don’t know how to resolve.

5. Reason #4: Feeling Misunderstood and Criticized (12:41–15:40)

• Early Criticism:
  • DAs frequently feel misunderstood or criticized by partners, even before commitment.
  • Difficulties in recognizing and communicating their own needs/rules amplify this miscommunication.
  • “Different rulebooks metaphor”: Each partner plays by different subconscious rules, causing friction.

“For dismissive avoidants ... when other people communicate those things to them, it feels like all this pressure, like, well, I have to play by your rules, but you’re not playing by mine. But they’re not often communicating their rules, recognizing that they even have individual rules, sharing those rules with a partner or loved one.”
– Thais Gibson (13:51)

• Cycle of Pressure and Withdrawal:
  • DAs feel pressured to reciprocate in ways they don’t understand, leading to frustration and avoidance.

6. The Importance of Attachment Theory and Communication (15:41–End)

• Integrated Attachment Theory:
  • Understanding attachment styles offers practical tools for resolving core relational issues (e.g., core wounds, needs, communication).
  • Simple changes can resolve deep-seated problems quickly with the right resources.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On DAs’ Internal Barriers:

  “It’s not like they are lacking in empathy or care. Often they’re not very expressive of their empathy, but they can be very empathetic, quietly into themselves.”
  – Thais Gibson (05:57)

• On Relationship Success:

  “I wouldn’t necessarily call staying in a relationship long term when you’re miserable... relationship success. Relationship success is when you stay... because you’re happy and it’s your authentic truth to be in that relationship because it feels good and it brings you joy.”
  – Thais Gibson (12:33)

• On Communication Breakdown:

  “You can think of your attachment style as being your subconscious set of rules for how to give and receive love... One person has the rules for Monopoly, the other person has the rules for Scrabble. I mean like you’re going to have a lot of issues, right?”
  – Thais Gibson (13:23)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–02:00: Overview of attachment styles and introduction to Dismissive Avoidant traits
• 02:01–06:15: Emotional modeling and limited emotional capacity in DAs
• 06:16–09:30: Vulnerability and the subconscious avoidance of deeper commitment
• 09:31–12:40: Conflict resolution deficits and resentment buildup
• 12:41–15:40: Miscommunication, feeling criticized, and the "different rulebook" analogy
• 15:41–End: Integrated attachment theory, communication tools, and resources for further learning

Practical Takeaways

• Dismissive Avoidant individuals are not inherently cold or uncaring—they simply have underdeveloped skills in emotional connection due to their upbringing and internal experiences.
• Their reluctance to commit is usually driven by fear of vulnerability, unresolved resentment, and feeling misunderstood—not a lack of affection.
• Improving relationships with DAs (or as a DA) requires understanding the underlying subconscious patterns, fostering open communication, and building conflict resolution skills.
• Thais encourages further exploration of attachment theory through her in-depth resources to move towards healthier, more secure connections.

For listeners seeking to break their own patterns or better understand loved ones, this episode provides clear explanations and actionable insights—delivered with Thais Gibson’s trademark warmth and clarity.