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The Thais Gibson Podcast
Why Fearful Avoidants Think Healthy People Are Boring (and How to Change Your Cycle)
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Something extremely common that happens with so many fearful, avoidant attachment styles. And they don't often consciously understand why this is happening, is that they find healthy people, even emotionally available, secure people, boring. And they don't understand why this is happening. And so because of this point of attraction where they're so attracted to and often invested in unhealthy people, they repeat these same old cycles in relationships. Picking the wrong person and feeling frustrated, not getting their needs met, being on roller coaster after roller coaster in every romantic relationship. And quite honestly, if you are a fearful avoidant, you probably eventually find this exhausting. So in today's video, I am going to break down for you why fearful avoidance often find healthy people and really supportive actions boring. What this says about you if you are in this situation, and most importantly, how to actually change this dynamic. Because that's where the magic happens. And that's where relationships can actually feel nurturing, exciting and fulfilling. Instead of feeling like they're either all good or all bad at any given moment. Here's the first thing you want to understand. We are all attracted to our subconscious comfort zone. One of the three things that really drives attraction is that we are attracted to people who basically feel familiar because we equate familiarity to safety and thus survival. This means that the moment you realize that you're not attracted to healthy people, it's telling you something really big about yourself and you. It's telling you a lot even more so about how you treat yourself. Because ultimately, what feels most familiar and most safe is not how your childhood was necessarily. It's how you actually treat yourself in this moment as an adult. Let me give you a couple of examples to paint the picture here and give you this analogy. But then I'll tell you how this applies exactly to you. Anxiously attached people, they're often attracted to more avoidant people. Why? Because they're often avoiding the relationship to themselves. So that is what feels familiar and thus safe. Dismissive, avoidant people, they're very preoccupied with their own space and time, and so they tend to be attracted to people who are more preoccupied with them. In other words, we are literally attracted to people who treat us how we treat ourselves. And yes, a large portion of that is determined by childhood, but not all of it, because our conditioning changes over time. So rather than this idea that we are attracted to our parents or how our parents treated us, that only holds true if that became the way you treated yourself. If your parents or family members were avoidant and repressing your feelings, then there is a very Very good likelihood that you're going to be with people who also don't understand what you're feeling or what your needs are. And so we want to really map this for fearful avoidance here. Fearful avoidant attachment styles often think healthy, secure, available people are boring because they have such a dysregulated nervous system. And if your whole nervous system function is so used to being in chaos, when somebody healthy and stable wants to bond with you and attach to you in a healthy, safe way, often at a deeper level, subconsciously, you. You go, no, no, no, that's strange, that's too unfamiliar. And I'd rather stick to what I know because I've been surviving this long, so obviously that's working. And so travel avoidance, go through cycle after cycle, and I'm gonna get really specific in terms of what this says about you. Cycle after cycle of often being attracted to and investing in people who are addicts, people who are also on a rollercoaster themselves and have a really dysregulated nervous system, people who are unavailable and really not showing up for the fearful avoidant, or people who sometimes take advantage or betray you or disloyal to you. And this tends to be a really common theme. Those types of things tend to be very common themes for fearful avoidance. And you probably already heard yourself in one of those themes. And so if you did, I want to now ask you which of those themes, maybe it's multiple of those themes. And let me know in the comments which of those themes is prominent for you. And if the answer is that your big prominent pattern here was you were attracted to somebody who's super avoidant and didn't treat your feelings with availability and care, you need to ask yourself, where is that a mirror into how I treat myself? Where do I not treat my own feelings with availability and care? Or if you constantly date people who put your needs on the back burner and don't show up for them, where do you also put your needs on the back burner? Or if you're with people who are constantly lying or cheating, then you have to ask yourself, where do I cheat myself? Maybe on my own standards or my own needs or my own boundaries, or am I dishonest with myself about what is actually okay for me and acceptable for me in the workplace, in relationships and friendships versus what's not? And what you will see, like close block work, is that you invest in people who mirror back to oftentimes, unfortunately, the most unhealthy parts of yourself and you will not actually be able to break out of that cycle until you are willing to do the work to move the needle. If you want to check out courses that help you recondition all of those painful stories that just go on and on in your mind and projections of all of these outcomes, we have a whole course you can check out fully for free for a limited time, all about what a secure and healthy relationship looks like. This is just available for a limited time and I will put that link down below if you want to check it out further. Here's the last thing I'll say is that if you are a fearful avoidant attachment style and you find healthy people boring, you need to practice changing how you treat yourself. So I want you to ask yourself in three steps. Number one, what is that archetype of person I keep investing in? Number two, if I had to really communicate in one sentence how that person treats me, how would I describe it? And number three, where am I treating myself that way and what can I do? That's the exact opposite. And you want to practice doing this on a daily basis as much as possible because that's a huge part of the first way you begin to move this needle. Hopefully this helps you really make sense of these things and it will really have a profound impact if you're willing to plug into a little bit of the work. Thanks for watching. If you want to miss any free daily videos or content or giveaways that I give on this channel, make sure you subscribe below because I am here to let you know that if you are a fearful avoidant, you can move the needle. You can change. I was one myself, plugged into the work and it was the most life changing thing I ever did and I really want to be able to share that with you. I thanks for watching.