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Have you ever felt like you are doing all of the work, you are reading the books, going to therapy, trying to grow, but somehow you still feel like you're stuck? I'm going to take you through exactly why this is according to your biggest attachment wounds and fears. You see, we're living in one of the most emotionally challenging times in history. Social media rewards outrage, the world feels divided, and everyone has a strong opinion about everything. And in the middle of all of this, you're trying to heal from your childhood. See, this isn't just about willpower. It's about your attachment style and how our modern world is actually amplifying your exact attachment wounds. But today, I'm going to break down exactly what that looks like by attachment style and exactly what you can do. If you're new here, I'll catch you up to speed. What you should know is that there are four attachment styles, which are basically like relationship style styles, and they represent all of the conditioning and ideas that you've acquired about love from your childhood. In other words, what love should look like and what your needs should be and what your triggers and fears would be. And so in this video, you are going to learn about each attachment style and why you might be having little extra problems and in which way when it comes to your healing journey. Her name is Thais Gibson.
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Thais Gibson.
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Thais Gibson. Thais Gibson.
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Thais Gibson.
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Thais Gibson.
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I hope I pronounce her name properly. Thais Gibson.
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I am so excited for you to be here with me today. Thank you for joining us.
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So if you have an anxious attachment style, the world right now, it's basically designed to keep your nervous system on high alert. Anxious attachment styles grow up with a big fear, fear of abandonment, either because they were abandoned or because there was a lot of inconsistency growing up or parents weren't consistently around quite enough and feeling like they constantly yearn for that love and connection, but had parents who were really present but always traveling or on the go, or having parents who maybe there was a bad divorce and a parent just didn't really return to the family. All of these things create massive abandonment wounds. And if you look at this from the perspective of our digital world, well, first of all, social media makes you compare yourself constantly. And for anxious attachment cells, one of their biggest core wounds is I'm not good enough. So of course that is going to be activated. You often see other couples in relationships on social media, which often will make you feel left behind if you're single or in a relationship where you're not completely happy. And when you look at that, anxious attachment cells have this huge wound of abandonment, fearing that the relationship isn't going to be good enough and then the person's going to leave them. And of course, that gets activated by seeing things like that on social media. And you also usually have a huge wound of feeling unloved. And so if you see other couples that seem perfectly happy and you're comparing your current relationship or lack thereof to others, of course that's going to trigger that. You may find as well that you see posts like if they wanted to, they would, and it triggers all of this panic inside of you. Well, the reality is that it's not that simple. A lot of times somebody wants to do something like be there for you or show up for you, but if they don't have the tools or resources to communicate, they may not know how to actually bridge that gap and meet your needs. So you're busy panicking when this is actually a communication problem. Maybe you instead see division in the world and fear losing connection to people, which could trigger again that fear of abandonment. But also, another big core wound for anxious attachment styles is the fear of being excluded, rejected, disliked, all of which are going to get triggered if you are scared that somebody will dislike or reject you because of a difference of opinion and anxious attachment styles, when there's also this constant 247 access to your partner's online activity when you get into relationships, it can be tempting and also draining and exhausting to feel like you constantly have to be up to speed with what's going on in their online world. See, we didn't grow up and evolve in a world where we had to manage so many things at once. Combined with that exposure to constantly idealized relationships. I mean, your nervous system just never fully gets a chance to calm down. And healing is really hard when these wounds are constantly being triggered or activated. But healing anxious attachment style isn't about trying harder. It's actually about learning to rewire those core wounds, a big part of which we really focus on in this channel. Because you're not born with core wounds. They get conditioned into you through repetition and emotion over time. In fact, repetition and emotion is what fires and wires neural pathways in your brain. And you can leverage that understanding using very specific tools to to rewire those fears so they are not constantly keeping you on high alert. And I want you to imagine, for example, what it would feel like to not live in a world where you were chronically fearing abandonment, rejection, exclusion, being disliked. You May even be sitting here thinking, I don't know if that's possible. Doesn't everybody feel like that? The answer is no. In fact, the other three attachment styles have completely different wounds in many ways. If you're a dismissive avoidant, this world actually makes it easier for you to completely avoid your healing process. You see, in our online culture right now, hyper independence is often glorified. Cutting people off is often celebrated. And vulnerability, unfortunately and honestly, tragically, is often mocked. And productivity in the world and achievement is quick to replace emotional processing, emotional honesty, and depth of connection within the relationship to yourself. And what we know is that dismissive avoidance, they already have these big core wounds, these triggers around fear of being vulnerable and then being seen as weak. The fear of being open and then being shamed or criticized, the fear of being trapped if they do rely on people or start to lean in and share their inner world with others. We live in this world that makes it so easy to avoid all of those wounds and never work through those things. Because the world keeps telling you it's totally okay to downplay your emotional needs or to disconnect from your vulnerability and to just always value self sufficiency. And this leads very frequently to dismissive avoidance, thinking it's completely acceptable and maybe even in their own best interests to hide behind their busyness and scroll instead of self reflect or even use ideological division that's happening in the world as a justification for more emotional distance. But you know what? All of these things, these do not convert to the higher expression of yourself. You, you see having the courage to be vulnerable and be able to lean on others as well as lean on yourself, not one or the other. That's healthy relating. That's what will happen as you heal. Or instead of feeling like it's shameful to express your emotions and feel them. You know what you do when you feel like that? You numb. You numb with video games or food or alcohol or binging television. None of those things are making you a better version of yourself. And so actually being able to get in touch with your feelings and properly emotionally process and understand them, that is what leads to much better outcomes. You see this world, it tends to validate your coping strategy. And you don't have to lose your independence in order to heal. Secure attachment is not about becoming dependent as most dismissive avoidance, fear and believe. It is about expanding your emotional range without losing yourself. And part of what interdependence actually is, is that you're a master of both. You're a master of Meeting your own needs in healthy ways, not meeting your own needs by numbing out and self avoiding, but actually by going inward and being like, what's going on for me? What am I feeling? What do I need? How can I show up for myself there? And on the other end of the continuum, being masterful at that too. Being able to actually tell somebody, hey, I had a hard day, could I share something with you that happened and get some advice? Can we talk something out or hash something through? Being able to do both of those things, rely on yourself and soothe instead of numb, but also rely on others. That's something that you can learn that leads to a much higher expression of who you become. Now, if you're a fearful avoidant in this polarized world, you may feel way more emotionally exhausted than usual because it literally mirrors the chaos that you often already feel inside. You see fearful avoidance, they have these big wounds around fearing betrayal, craving connection, but fearing abandonment and swinging between that fear of abandonment and the basically opposite fear of feeling trapped. And what this means is that when there's this additional constant conflict happening online, or these debates with all of this moral superiority or fear based news cycles, there is emotional intensity everywhere. And for fearful avoidance, they are going to want to obsess over these things. On in one moment they might fear that a loved one is going to have a different opinion than them and abandon them. Or on another moment they might fear that somebody's going to force their opinion onto them and their trapped wounds are activated or they feel controlled. And one of the greatest core wounds of all, from an integrated attachment theory viewpoint, is that fearful avoidance of a huge fear of betrayal. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always waiting for something to go wrong. And of course, if you're constantly looking at the news or what's happening on social media, it is reinforcing and validating that fear endlessly. And so this means that you're going to find yourself obsessing over what's happening in relationships, obsessing over what you should do to stay three steps ahead in the outside world and feeling unsafe, both in your independence in this unsafe world, but even in connection, and in your ability to be vulnerable and lean on other people too. And so the external chaos of the world is just reinforcing the internal chaos you feel. But this intensity, it's not a flaw, it's unprocessed protection. And when you learn how to create internal structure and emotional safety within yourself, the outside world will stop feeling like a battlefield because your inside world stops being that way. And that starts with learning to reprogram your core wounds. Again, a huge part of what we really focus in on at the personal development school now. Secure attachment is a little bit harder to maintain right now in a world that's basically rewarding emotional extremes. Secure attachment is the fourth and last attachment style where somebody basically grows up having very adaptive behaviors. They've learned that vulnerability is safe, and they've learned how to rely on themselves in healthy and steady ways. They've learned how to work through conflict and communication by addressing things head on, but in a respectful and regulated manner. And they're excellent at knowing their own needs and how to share those needs with others, while also working to understand the needs of others so that they can meet them too. In fact, securely attached people, they're great at pausing before reacting. They're good at holding nuance and staying regulated. From a nervous system point of view, if something could feel triggering for somebody else, but of course social media is here rewarding that black and white thinking, amplifying the outrage, or pushing this identity based division. And so even securely attached people right now could feel a little more reactive than usual, a little more defensive, rigid or fearful. Because this world makes emotional regulation right now almost countercultural. But secure attachment isn't about perfection, it's about repair. It's about you being able to understand that the things that trigger you are showing you to yourself. It's about you being able to go deep and go, hold on a second here. If something is triggering me, it is telling me something about what's going on in my own internal world. Maybe I should work through that trigger. It's also telling you maybe you have an unmet need and when you can start being like what in the outside world seems to be threatening needs for me as a human being or individual, and how can I get those needs met in healthier ways? You start to come full circle. For example, if you're feeling scared of some of the chaos that's happening around you, part of thriving in uncertainty is being able to say, okay, what need is being taken away? Maybe my need for safety. How can I go create my need for safety? Maybe I'm going to start by regulating my nervous system so I feel safer in my body. Maybe I'm going to start by building a support system of healthy people around me that I do trust and can connect and communicate with. So I feel like there's a sense of stability. Maybe it's about budgeting myself so that I feel like I have a financial plan and financial stability or perhaps making a mission and vision for the next season of your life so you have career goals that bring stability. You see a lot of when we feel like things are being threatened on the outside world, a lot of times that is your emotional reaction begging for you to go inward and pay attention to what is deeply unmet within yourself so that you can go strategize for that and action it out and feel relief as a result. Something that securely attached individuals do very well. And the more you practice regulation in a dysregulated world, the more powerful and grounded you become. So what if you're not failing at healing? What if you're healing in one of the most overstimulated emotional climates that we may have ever experienced? We're living in constant information overload, identity based tribalism in many ways, and trauma content everywhere. Of course it feels slow. You're trying to rewire decades of conditioning while swimming upstream. So healing is not about escaping the world. It's about building an internal world that actually feels stable no matter what's happening to you outside. And that's exactly what structured attachment work helps you do. So if you feel stuck right now, it doesn't mean that you're broken. It means your subconscious mind is playing out patterns that you haven't learned to rewire yet. And the good news? There are tools that can be learned.
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If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to subscribe, rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Share it with friends and family who are on their journey of personal development and growth, and thank you for listening.
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Next week we'll be back with more
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insights to guide you on your journey. And until then, keep practicing our tools and strategies to change your subconscious mind and apply some of the powerful learnings from this podcast so that you experience real life transformations.
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SA.