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The Thais Gibson Podcast
Why You Must Be Willing to Walk Away from a Fearful Avoidant (And It Saves You Both)
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When you finally walk away from a fearful avoidant attachment style, it almost feels like you're abandoning the person you love the most. But in truth, knowing that you have the ability to walk away at any moment in time gives you both the only chance you have to heal. And in the next few minutes, you are going to learn why walking away is not rejection, it's regulation, and how it actually has the power to transform both partners at the subconscious level. Here's what we're going to cover. Number one, we'll talk about the first two reasons why walking away from a fearful avoidant actually creates space for transformation in the relationship and for both people. But we don't have to actually walk away to get this transformation. And that's the key point you're going to learn today, is that it is more so that the fearful avoidant knows that you would walk away if it came down to it. And we're going to talk a little bit about what neuroscience reveals in regards to attachment stress and nervous system resetting. Then we'll go into the major ways distance can actually restore emotional balance in this relationship, and we'll do a little exercise in regards to healing. Okay, we'll dive into that, too. My first point, it's going to surprise you is that fearful avoidance like to be called out. Okay, so what do I mean by this? Fearful avoidant attachment styles actually respect and honor when people are willing to help them grow and when people are willing to help them see themselves. I think a lot of people, because fearful avoidance can be a little bit fiery, get intimidated when they see a fearful avoidant feeling distressed or frustrated. They think, oh, I just don't want to cause any more conflict or drama. And also, because fearful avoidance are often like the kings and queens of intermittent reinforcement, you know, they, they. It's like a slot machine. You know, there's sort of this addictive component when it comes to dating a fearful avoidant for a lot of people because they're so, so warm and loving and generous and present. And then they can just be so the polar opposite at times where they pull away and they shut down. And sometimes somebody's afraid to lose that warmth from the fearful avoidance. So they try not to rock the boat too much because they don't want to get to that cold side. But you would be so surprised. Fearful avoidance are almost the most likely to stay in relationships with people who are going to call them out and say, hey, the way you're showing up in this particular case is not appropriate. And so if you're Dating a fearful avoidant and you love them and you know they've got an amazing heart. Or if you're a fearful avoidant listening to this, it's actually good for part to look for partners who are going to call you out a little bit and keep you on your toes and you'll find that you actually respect that. Because a lot of fearful avoidance were missing healthy modeling growing up of what healthy relationships should look like. And they are wanting that. They just don't know how to get there. So when somebody is willing and able to set boundaries to say hey, this and let's say for example that a fearful avoidant keeps pushing somebody away and they're really, really hot and really, really cold, if you're the partner that can go to them and say, look, I really care about you, I want this to work, but I'm not going to be able to stay forever if you being really hot and cold doesn't change. We need some work here. We need some growth, some improvement. I want to be here with you for that, but I need to see something from your end as well. And if you are able to have that conversation, the vast majority of the time fearful avoidance are only respect you more for that. Okay? And if you are a fearful avoidant listening to this, you probably do recognize that that's something you're secretly craving in relationships the vast majority of the time. And I want to hear from you in the comments down below. If somebody's watching this and they're thinking, should I really say this to my fearful avoidant partner? I don't know. You know, if you are a fearful avoidant, please let me know how you would handle if somebody literally just said, hey, it's not appropriate to be doing abc, you know, whatever action it was. I want to work this out with you and I have a bit of a boundary around this behavior. Let's grow through it, let's do something about it. Like I want to hear if you would find that respect and if you would respect them more or how you would feel. And you can let people know who might be on the receiving end of it because it might help them out. Second piece. It also signals self respect and fearful avoidance. Again, they want to date people who are respecting themselves. They're interested in that. When somebody is in a place where they are strong, they're tough, they're showing up for themselves in the process and they're willing to demonstrate their boundaries, they actually respond far more to those types of people and situations in a positive way. In fact, they often find themselves sort of putting those types of people on a pedestal. So again, it doesn't mean that you have to tell different fearful avoidant, I am walking away. That's not what this video is about. It is about you being able to recognize that if you can honor and tell this person, hey, I would have to. If things don't change, if there's a really unhealthy habit or pattern happening and you're like, I'm gonna tell you this because I love you, because I care about you, and I want us to work on this, that's usually where fearful avoidance will truly hear you the most. And something that's really interesting is there's a 2017 study done by Dr. Ruth Lanius at Western University, and it found that repeated attachment ruptures, okay, so these big fights, these big arguments, actually cause dual activation of both the amygdala, which is essentially the fear center of the brain, and the ventral medial prefrontal cortex, which is the emotional regulation area or one of them. And this leads to chronic dysregulation in fearful avoidance. Then if we look at 2021, Dr. Stephen Porges Polyvagal RESEARCH it demonstrates that physical separation from relational stress actually restores vagal tone, which allows the nervous system to move out of shutdown. So when we can make sure that we are not constantly getting triggered in the relationship dynamic, when we can move out of shut down mode from a nervous system perspective and actually take space, actually have, you know, the ability to healthily take a step back, it doesn't mean like out of the relationship and threaten to leave the fearful avoidant at all. That's not the healthy way to go about anything. Of course, you either leave if it's not working at all, or you don't threaten to leave and play the middle ground. But if we can prevent these ruptures, if we can present, you know, a little bit of space sometimes so that we can more calmly work through a situation, it actually allows both parties to move out of this shutdown space and come back to one another. And there's one other study that was interesting to me. In 2020, Dr. Bruce Perry showed that time away from emotional chaos actually helps the brain's prefrontal limbic circuitry re pattern towards stability, meaning that space itself can actually be healing. So walking away isn't here to punish the fearful avoidant. And it's not walking away from the relationship. It's taking a step back and saying, hey, this is inappropriate. We're not going to continue having a conversation if it's going to lead to this type of escalation, you know, this has to change in order for us to be able to keep working this out long term. What are you going to be able to do to show up for that? Okay. And, and vice versa. If you are somebody who is looking to heal your attachment style or a relationship with somebody of a different attachment style, you can check out how to repair any relationship course. It's all about whether or not you should stay or go in a relationship. But most importantly, if you decide I'm committed, I'm going to give this a real good shot. All the patterns and themes in a relationship that are absolutely most likely to move the needle to healing. Okay. And it's a great course to just have in your back pocket to dive in to check out all the material to know for the future, even if you're not in a relationship right now. Because takes things off the rocks and it helps, you know, for future reference. Hey, these are really important things that could be pitfalls we run into according to our attachment cells and how to heal them. You can check that course out fully for free for seven days and with it get free access to our attachment styles and intimacy course for life as a gift as a bonus. And that's course will really help you in terms of connection, intimacy in all ways. Emotional, romantic, physical, sexual intimacy, all these different things. We do a deep dive into those pillars and what makes each individual attachment self feel most connected or what makes them run for the hills. So you can know there's two other important points here that I want to cover with you. Point number three here is that fearful avoidance respond well to emotional accountability. So when they have somebody saying, hey, here's what we're going to do, here's how it has to look. Fearful ones are really good at doing like deep research. They'll dive into things if they're motivated. If they see that, hey, this is, this is an important thing, it does need to change. They tend to show up very well. They tend to be big researchers. They'll get to the bottom of things. And once they're in, they're all in. So they will be committed. If they see that there is something unhealthy, they recognize that wait, these patterns, these ruptures in our relationship, these big fights, these big arguments, they are not working. They will literally, you know, reflect on that if somebody calls it out in a healthy, respectful, direct way. And the vast majority of the time they'll show up to move the needle on that and to really do their best to. To make a move, to change things, to pivot the pattern. And it actually is what allows genuine connection to be possible. So I'm going to tell you what happens next. The last point here is that truly, this makes genuine reunion possible. Okay? So if you take a step back, and again, I don't mean like, you have to break up with this person. I'm not a big believer in trying to break up with somebody unless you truly feel like it's the absolute end and making sure you're intentional about that. But true reconciliation is very difficult to occur when one person is dysregulated. And so if you see yourself having these ups and downs, these themes, these really big roller coaster patterns in your relationship, it may be time to say, I have to unplug from this for a minute. Like, this can't continue. And so the fearful avoidant, knowing that there will be an endpoint is really what often forces them into accountability. And again, I want to just really highlight here the difference between threatening an endpoint. Like, I'm going to walk away. This isn't working, you know, because that becomes very unhealthy, especially if it's repeated and you don't actually walk away and it's the end, then it just becomes that you're threatening to break up with somebody. And that's not healthy at all. But actually saying, we need to work on this, this behavior can't continue between us. It's going to destroy the relationship long term. We need to do something, because otherwise I can't see this working in the long ha and being able to communicate from that space. So it's not a threat, it's not an ultimatum. It's you respectfully saying, like, I have a line in the sand and, you know, I want you to show up and do the work with me. And I'm hoping that we can do this together. And, you know, the vast majority of the time, that's where you're gonna see the most respect, the most admiration, the most excitement to be accountable, the most, like, showing up possible from the fearful avoidant themselves. And, you know, some ancient wisdom that I think is so important that dives in here in the Bhagavad Gita, it talks about detachment, is not that you own nothing, but that nothing owns you. And I love that quote. I think it's so powerful because I think that there's a time and a place where we get so attached to an outcome, so attached to trying to make something work, so attached to this idea that we have of this is how it should be, that that attachment itself owns us, rather than us being able to look at something and say, look, you know, I have to show up from the inside out here. I have to show up and say this is what's okay and not okay. And by putting those clear parameters, those clear lines down, it actually tends to be the best thing for both the person with a fearful avoidant and for the fearful avoidant themselves. Because fearful avoidance, you know, are wonderful when they go through healing, they get to keep all of their beneficial traits, all the generosity and love and care and level out on some of the volatility and ups and downs and nervous system dysregulation. So everybody becomes the best version of themselves. So the fearful avoidant, knowing that it is possible for you to walk away is not you closing your heart. It is opening space for a higher form of love to emerge. I hope you enjoyed today's video. I'm curious how this has affected you. If you've ever been in this position as a fearful avoidant or the loved one as a fearful avoidant, let me know in the comments. And also, if you haven't already, please like share subscribe to this channel. I'd love to have you here as a part of our community and I'll see you next time.