Why You Test People Instead of Trusting Them as a Fearful Avoidant

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Why You Test People Instead of Trusting Them as a Fearful Avoidant

Podcast: The Thais Gibson Podcast
Episode Date: June 10, 2026
Host: Thais Gibson (Relationship Coach)
Featured Guests: Lisa & Steve
Main Theme:
Understanding why individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style tend to "test" their partners instead of communicating their needs directly, and practical steps to foster vulnerability, clear communication, and emotional safety in relationships.

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Thais Gibson guides Lisa, who identifies with a fearful avoidant attachment style, through a live coaching session. The discussion explores the root causes of "testing behaviors" in relationships, emphasizing the importance of vulnerability, honest communication, and specific expressions of needs. Through real-time dialogue with Lisa and her partner Steve, the episode offers actionable strategies for anyone seeking to break the pattern of testing and establish deeper trust with their loved ones.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Cycle of Testing and Lack of Vulnerability

• [00:05–01:29]
  • Lisa admits to not being honest about her feelings and "testing" her partner instead of expressing needs directly.
  • Thais (Relationship Coach) explains:

    “You will always test when you're not communicating. If you ever see testing, it's a symptom of a lack of vulnerability in communication.”
    — Relationship Coach [01:29]

  • Testing serves as a protective mechanism—a way to get needs met without risking more emotional pain.

2. Making Needs Specific & Painting a Clear Picture

• [00:13–01:29]
  • Often, people think they are communicating their needs, but partners may not fully understand due to vague or unspecific language.
  • Thais encourages listeners to practice “painting a picture” of their needs, using worksheets and exercises to hone clear, actionable communication.

3. Understanding the Purpose of Testing

• [01:29–02:17]
  • Thais breaks down the underlying drivers of testing:

    “I'm testing because I'm actually trying to get a need met, usually for certainty or reassurance or to know that I'm cared for or loved.”
    — Relationship Coach [01:39]

  • She suggests self-reflection:

    “If we're doing it, you want to go backwards into yourself and go, okay, so what am I testing and what need am I hoping to get met?”
    — Relationship Coach [01:55]

4. Lisa’s Realization and the Need for Reassurance

• [02:17–03:14]
  • Lisa identifies her core need:

    “I needed for him to let me know that I was that important and valued and that it was his desire for us to be together... I wanted that validation more than anything.”
    — Lisa [02:17]

  • She acknowledges ongoing fears around vulnerability and the pain of potential rejection if she opens up.

5. A Live Practice of Vulnerable Communication

• [03:32–04:09]
  • Thais gently pushes Lisa to communicate her need for reassurance directly to her partner:

    “I'd love for you to say to Steve, like, I need to know, I need reassurance that you're in this right now and that you're going to stay.”
    — Relationship Coach [03:32]

  • Lisa practices this with Steve, openly asking for commitment and support.

6. Reaffirming Commitment: Steve’s Response

• [04:09–04:59]
  • Steve responds with love and commitment:

    “Lisa... I do commit to you, just like we did last Saturday... we renewed our vows... I love you completely, wholeheartedly. I trust you. We've got some work to do, but God's been doing some amazing things in our lives... I fully invite that we ... be so much better now and love each other more than we ever did before.”
    — Steve [04:09–04:59]

7. Normalizing Emotional Triggers and Next Steps

• [05:02–End]
  • Thais normalizes these triggers as “so human and so normal” especially when there are past wounds.
  • She previews upcoming strategies for “rewiring the wounds” and urges the importance of real-time, transparent communication when triggers surface:

    “What will always be that path forward is in the moment—or as close to the moment as you can—where that comes up to go and say... ‘What came up was this fear that maybe you're not committed and I could use some reassurance or clarity.’”
    — Relationship Coach [05:02+]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You will always test when you're not communicating. If you ever see testing, it's a symptom of a lack of vulnerability in communication.”
  — Relationship Coach [01:29]
• “I'm testing because I'm actually trying to get a need met, usually for certainty or reassurance or to know that I'm cared for or loved.”
  — Relationship Coach [01:39]
• “I needed for him to let me know that I was that important and valued and that it was his desire for us to be together... I wanted that validation more than anything.”
  — Lisa [02:17]
• “I do commit to you... I love you completely, wholeheartedly. I trust you. We've got some work to do, but God's been doing some amazing things... I fully invite that we... love each other more than we ever did before.”
  — Steve [04:09–04:59]
• “What will always be that path forward is in the moment... to go and say... ‘This trip, when you took the trip without me or planned it without me, for me, what came up was this fear that maybe you're not committed and I could use some reassurance or some clarity.’”
  — Relationship Coach [05:02+]

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Actionable Insights & Takeaways

• Self-awareness: If you catch yourself "testing" your partner, pause and identify the unmet need driving this behavior.
• Specific Communication: Clearly and specifically express what you need rather than assuming your partner will guess.
• Vulnerability as Strength: Directly ask for reassurance or clarity, even when it feels risky.
• Normalizing Triggers: Everyone is susceptible to wounds from their past; being open about them helps build connection and trust.
• Practice Makes Progress: Role-play, use communication worksheets, and support one another as you build new relationship habits.

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Important Timestamps

| Time | Segment | |------------|--------------------------------------------------| | 00:05 | Lisa discusses hiding her feelings & testing | | 01:29 | Explanation of testing as lack of vulnerability | | 02:17 | Lisa specifies her core need for reassurance | | 03:32 | Lisa directly asks Steve for commitment | | 04:09–04:59| Steve’s heartfelt reaffirmation of commitment | | 05:02+ | Thais normalizes triggers and previews next steps |

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This episode provides a compassionate and practical roadmap for anyone struggling with fearful avoidant patterns, emphasizing that healing starts with clarity, specificity, and the courage to be vulnerable.

Transcript

[Lisa]

Where I felt like I was, I wasn't being honest with him from the

[Relationship Coach]

get go about how you felt about how I felt. And so you.

[Lisa]

And I was waiting and test, kind of testing him. And I want to break that now.

[Relationship Coach]

You're about to see here that Lisa shares needs and she's taking an amazing first step to actually communicating what she needs more of. But a lot of times this still falls on deaf ears with our partner because unless we paint a picture and get really specific, we can fall into the trap of thinking we're communicating, but we're not being clear enough or translating it enough for a partner to fully pick up on what we're saying and then rise to the opportunity to try to meet us there. And this is often where people feel most discouraged in relationships and communication because they think they're stating their needs, they think that they're being clear, and yet somebody still isn't fully understanding them. So if you're following along at home, watch as Lisa learns to be more specific about how to paint a picture for what her needs look like. And if you want some support as well, you can actually look at our worksheet down below that dives into major steps for fine tuning your communication and specifically going through things like positive framing and painting a picture so there's no gap in your communication as you're starting to take these steps yourself. So let's just look at that one thing and we can go into Uganda, but hopefully you're seeing some of these themes and patterns of resume, a great job of sharing. So you will always test when you're not communicating.

[Lisa]

Okay.

[Relationship Coach]

If you ever see testing, it's a symptom of a lack of vulnerability in communication. So if you catch yourself testing, it's a good checkpoint, it's a good reference point. I'm testing because I'm actually trying to get a need met, usually for certainty or reassurance or to know that I'm cared for or loved. And so that testing becomes a strategy when we don't want to be vulnerable because we're already hurt to try to get that need met directly for some certainty or for some reassurance. And so testing if we're doing it, you want to go backwards into yourself and go, okay, so what am I testing and what need am I hoping to get met by testing? So let's use this as an example. So when you go and you sort of test and it's very innocent coping strategy, you're just trying to get a need back while protecting yourself. But in that moment that you test, what did you actually need from Steve?

[Lisa]

Oh, I needed for him to let me know that I was that important and valued and that it was his desire for us to be together. And, and that's, you know, I wanted that validation more than anything.

[Relationship Coach]

And do you still need that now?

[Lisa]

Oh, absolutely. My logical side says, well, he was still, we were still kind of negotiating where we were going to end up. Yeah, not negotiating, but talking it through. Talking it through. And, but for me, it was I'd already made my mind up. I knew that I wanted us to reconcile. I knew that I wanted us to be together again. And so for that, at that time, it was like, it was painful because it made me feel like maybe he's

[Relationship Coach]

not fully on board.

[Lisa]

Fully on board.

[Relationship Coach]

So there's the root of.

[Lisa]

Yeah, yeah. And so then that fear comes out again. Where am I going to be vulnerable and have my heart just exploded again? Where, you know, that it's, you know, he'll walk away and then I've been vulnerable and let my guard down. And so we're going to go right

[Relationship Coach]

into it for a second, if you can. I'd love for you to say to Steve, like, I need to know, I need reassurance that you're in this right now and that you're going to stay.

[Lisa]

So. Steve. Mr. I know that we've been through a lot and that it's still an uphill climb, but I do need to know that the commitment is there, that you are going to be there through the good times and the bad times and that we're going to work through it all.

[Steve]

Lisa Nestor Sorensen, I do commit to you, just like we did last Saturday. No, week ago Saturday, we renewed our vows.

[Relationship Coach]

Oh, that's beautiful.

[Lisa]

But not officially, legally.

[Steve]

Not legally, but we renewed our vows. And I love you completely, wholeheartedly. I trust you. We've got some work to do, but God's been doing some amazing things in our lives over the last two years, and he's got a purpose in all this. And I fully invite that we, that we can, you know, be so much better now and love each other more than we ever did before.

[Lisa]

I know that.

[Relationship Coach]

And it's so human and so normal to have moments where something comes up, a trip doesn't go as planned as you thought, and that you go there, your mind goes there because there's been wounds there in the past. And we'll, you know, way towards the end of this, we'll talk about how to rewire the wounds and some some action steps for that. But. But it's normal. And. And what will always be that path forward is in the moment or as close to you can as in the moment where that comes up to go and say this trip. When you took the trip without me or planned it without me for me, what came up was this fear that maybe you're not committed and I could use some reassurance or some clarity.