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Ah, Riyadh, baby. We're in Saudi Arabia. Come on, get your tickets now. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Tim Dillon live in the capital. Is it the capital? Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. October 8th. October 8th. The day after October 7th. Just funny how it all works. Not. Not something that I had planned, by the way. It's just something that happened. I will be in Riyadh at the Riyadh Comedy Festival at the Bakker Al Shetty Theater. Come, come see me at the Bakker Al Shetty's. And apologies if I am not pronouncing that correctly. I don't know. I imagine I'll be doing more in the Middle East. I imagine we all will, actually. We'll be doing a lot in the Middle, and there are people, and I'm. I'm doing Abu Dhabi the night before. We don't have that information yet, but come on out. Come on out for a night of laughter in Abu Dhabi. Am I doing Abu Dhabi? I think October 6th. I think we're chilling on the 7th. I don't think we're doing anything on the 7th because my agents are very worried. But I think, you know, this is exciting. I think it's very exciting that we're all going to Riyadh. And I know that people are very upset about. They're angry that comedians are going to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Very angry. They don't believe in anything. Get over it. Get over it. We're going to Riyadh. The House of Saud is paying us hundreds of thousands of dollars. Some of us millions. Not me, but they're paying millions of dollars to comedians. Get over it. We're taking the money. How about that? How about that? Sorry. Oh, you weren't invited. Oh, you got nothing going on. Boo hoo hoo, boohoo. Who for You? I would never do it. You weren't offered. No one invited you. There's people that I respect that turned it down, but a lot of people are doing it. Like, a lot. Like almost everyone. A lot of people are doing it. They bought comedy. So what? Listen, what's your problem? Well, they have slaves. Then they kill every. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Get over it. Get over it. So what? So what? They have slaves. So what, my friend? I. Not a friend. Somebody I don't even know. I bumped into them in Tribeca and he goes, I would never do that cuz I don't want to interact with slaves. I'm like, well, why not? I. They'd be deferential, right? I mean, I imagine the slaves in those countries are good at what they do. Well, I wouldn't want to interact. Everyone you meet there is a slave. That's what they said. Everyone that works at all the hotels, they take their passports. They're not allowed to leave their slaves. Hey, is the hotel nice? Is it nice or not? Is it nice or not? I'm not here to, to be a spoil sport. Look up spoil sport and I'm going to tell everyone what it is because that's not what I'm here to do. I'm not on this earth to do that. Spoil sport. A person who behaves in a way that spoils others pleasure, especially by not joining in an activity. Yes, correct. I'm not here to be a spoil sport. I'm not here to ruin the good time that everyone's having. Do I have issues with some of the policies towards women, towards the gays, towards the widow? Yeah. Towards the freedom of speech? Well, of course I do. Of course I do. Of course I do. But I believe in my own financial well being and I always have, by the way. And I think you better start believing in that. Okay? Because when Peter Thiel puts all of you in a cage, you're going to want some way to get out of that. You're going to want to bribe someone. Peter Thiel has you in the prison from that movie. What's that movie where everyone's in that digital prison. Remember that movie? Well, when you're in that movie and it's. But you can't get out. When you're in the movie of that digital prison movie and Peter Thiel's got you in, you're going to want to have a couple of shackles to, to go to the guy and say let me out of here. Hit him off a little bitcoin, little ethereum. Let me get out of this prison. When you're Shaw shanking and that's not the movie I was talking about, it's another prison movie. I've moved on. When you're Shaw shanking with the little rock hammer through the wall and you're, you're crawling through the tunnel of shit to try to get out of Peter Thiel's prison because he's just gonna do the. What is he, he's doing, you know, Peter Thiel, he's doing talks on the Antichrist cuz he is the Antichrist. So he knows about the Antichrist and he's talking about it. It's never enough to just be the thing, by the way. You have to constantly bother people it's the reason the Long island serial killer got caught. He couldn't shut his mouth. He went out to bars and in a very boomer like fashion, he's like, well, if I had killed her, O.J. simpson wrote a book called if I Did it. No one can just get away with anything. It's gotta be shoved in your face. So Peter Thiel is giving talks about being the, about that he's worried about the Antichrist. He's giving a four part lecture. This is true. I've never heard a person talk about the Antichrist as much as this guy. So he's doing a four part lecture about the Antichrist. So when Peter, when you're in the Peter Thiel Palantir prison and every day is the same and it's just going to be on closed circuit TV or maybe he'll be a hologram at that point. I don't know. He just is going to talk to you about the Antichrist and you're going to be in a cell in Peter Thiel's prison and then he's just gonna go, it's The Antichrist Part 3. And you're gonna have to sit there and go every day. Every goddamn day. Theo 50 Thiel, 57, will offer his thoughts on how his Christian faith informs his understanding of the world, including areas of theology, history, literature and politics of the Antichrist as part of a four part lecture series at the Commonwealth Club in San Francisco. Well, doesn't that sound swell? But he's going to be giving these lectures to people that are in his prison. So you might as well have a couple of dollars to try to buy your way out of the Peter Thiel compulsory Antichrist lecture that he's going to be giving at his prison. Now people might say to me, hey, you're, you're coming out and saying you're doing the Saudi thing for money. They're paying you a lot of money. I'm not going to tell you how much they're paying me. It's, it's, it doesn't matter, doesn't matter how much they're paying me $375,000 for one show. Now a lot of other people are getting 1.6 million. That's not me. I'm not in that bracket. But they're giving me 375 others are getting 150. Why are they doing it? Here's the point, here's the point. Okay? I am doing this because they're paying me a large sum of money. They're paying Me enough money to look the other way. Do you understand? Look the other way. That's a four word sentence that people don't do anymore. Look the other way if something bad is happening to your left, look to your right. If, for example, I'm at a breakfast and I see someone get grabbed and they start hitting them with that, you know, that, that big stick, I don't know if it's bamboo or whatever it is, it's kind of a wood, but it kind of snaps back. It's, it's perfect for a cane. If I see someone getting it, I will look the other way, okay? If I look the other way and I see someone being behind it, meaning they're chopping a hand off, that might be interesting to just kind of see actually how they do it because I think they do it kind of a sanitary way. But from what I've heard, you know, if they're chopping hand, I might look down and if, if I'm looking at the floor and I see some eyeless beggar grabbing at me, trying to get my money, I will look up to the heavens. And if in the heavens I see a drone flying over, I will look the other way because I'm being paid enough money to look the other way. What don't you understand? What is so complicated? I'm the only honest person just going to do it. Everyone else is going to have a million. They're going to go, well, actually the Middle east is more progressive now and, oh, he's trying to make some change. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm being paid a lot of money to not care about what they do in their country. I mean, it's very simple. If you pay me lots of money, I will not comment on what's going on. In fact, I will ignore it. And if something that I really disagree with, the more money you pay me, the less I'm going to think about it. Truly, this is a really important thing that no one does anymore and I'm recommending it look the other way. If you are in a foreign country and you don't agree because what's the other option? We are going to have to go in all of these countries and make them be Americans and make them live the way we live. That's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. We, we don't even know how to do that. All we do is try to do that and it fails miserably like every time. So I believe in looking the other way. I Believe in pretending things are not happening that are. I believe in cognitive dissonance. I believe in ignoring the screen. I will sleep so sound. I will sleep through the screams. Sleep through the screams. I'm sticking the Ritz. Google it. You know what happened there, and it's fine. He it. Folks, mind your own business. My. My. My. My. My best friend's mother used to say that. Eileen, mind your own beeswax. She used to say that. Mind your own beeswax. She used to say that. Okay? What that means for those of you who don't know, is that there's your beeswax and everyone else's beeswax. There's a lot of beeswax in Saudi Arabia. It's not my problem. They're paying me to keep my mouth shut. Whoop. I'm telling you right now, they have realized something very important, and that is a very. This is an important lesson for everybody to learn, okay? If you want people to like you, you give them lots of money. I don't know why this is so hard for people to grasp. I know that this is something. And again, people are probably listening to this and are angry or they're disagreeing with me, and that's okay. You're allowed to do both. You're allowed to do both. I don't care what you do. It doesn't matter. I'm going to be such a model citizen there. Let me tell you right now. My aunt's like, will you be safe there? I'm like, the crime is in our own country, you dunce. The crime is in our own country, you dunce. Okay, I feel very. I will feel safe in Riyadh. I believe in luxury, and a lot of people don't, and I always have. I believe in the ability of a society to. I'm going to say something, and people aren't going to like it. If you think for one second that some of the slaves in that country are not proud of what they've built, you're crazy. You're literally crazy. You're literally nuts. There are so many beautiful things that have happened as a result of forced labor. When you look at something beautiful, even if you've. Even if making it has almost killed you or killed people, you know, And I'm using the word slave, not even knowing, by the way. And I'm using it only because people have told me that I haven't looked into it, and I won't, but I don't even believe it. But let's move on, okay? Let's say in this hypothetical world, they are slaves who can't leave. And they have to build these beautiful things, Gorgeous marble, crystal things. Do you think a slave father wouldn't look at his slave children and go, your father built that? You're nuts. You're nuts. It is beautiful to have beautiful things. And even though. And if I'm a slave and I've just built a beautiful thing, I am telling my wife and my children, look. Look how beautiful that is and how grateful and how thankful we are now. Yes, there are pro. There's problems. Sure, sure. Israel gave none of us any money and expected we were all going to just defend them. For what? For no money, for $0. The threat that I won't get a sitcom on ABC Family. I'm supposed to go out and defend this genocide because maybe I won't be on abc. I won't get to play a gym teacher on a network that won't be in business. And I'm supposed to care about that? Who gives a fuck? Where's the money, you bum? Where? Where the. The money? Of course, Israel's doing a horrible thing, okay? And I would call it out, no matter how much money I got, because you're genociding people in front of my face. It's on TikTok, okay? But what these people are doing seems to be less public. So my. My thing. My friend's mother used to sell us drugs. Had a great rule when we were 13 or 14. She'd get us weed and Vicodin. She'd say, I'm drinking my water. She'd say, go and go. She used to tell us when she was a young girl, she never shared her drugs or alcohol. She would buy a Boone's Farm thing of wine and bury it by a tree, under a tree, and then she'd go and get this Boone's Farm wine and drink. And then she said she'd go back to the bonfire with everyone and she'd feel all warm and good and she'd sway, but she wouldn't share her Boone's Farm wine with anyone. She would bury it under a tree and then drink it. Do you see what I mean here? Do you get it? Do you see what I'm talking about and how this relates? Because I. My point is, yeah, they got Boone's Farm wine under a tree, but I'm not seeing it. I'm not seeing that they're digging the wine up. They're drinking it. People are getting it, but I don't see it. So if I'm not Seeing it, if I don't see it, I. It's really, it's none of my beeswax. I hope everything's beautiful and good for all, but I'm telling you right now, this was Israel's big mistake. This was their big mistake. They should have had the Tel Aviv Comedy Festival and they should have paid us all millions of dollars. And then I would have went over there and I would have went, listen, it's human shields and Hamas is stealing the food or whatever. They're fucking talking nonsense for the last nine months. We're all supposed to believe whatever. I go release them. And this is what it's about, the hostages. It's not about all the other Greater Israel stuff. Why would you say Epstein was in the Mossad? What are you talking about? He had no connection with anyone. He was just a pervert who had $2 billion and was friends with her. What do you want? Israel thought this was all going to happen with no money. What are you nuts? I'm, I'm, I'm sad about what's happening. If it's happened, I don't see it. If I was a slave, I would love to make a beautiful hotel for people. I would, I would, I would love to make a beautiful hotel for people to stay at and enjoy. If I was a slave, not a slave, but if I was a slave, if I was a slave and I had the chance to make a beautiful hotel, it would make me happy. Life is, is a whole different. It's a whole thing. Life. It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. And, and, and we're not, we're called to be. I believe, and this is Kamala Harris. But I believe, like if you asked me about the Riyadh Comedy Festival and you said, well, there's all these problems, I'd go, listen, hey, life is a long thing and it's a beautiful thing. And that's my comment. I'm telling you right now. I love cozy earth. They have nailed comfort with their bamboo sheets and their everywhere pants. Next level, incredibly soft, breathable and temperature regulating. It doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing. You are going to love the everywhere pant. It is my go to for everything. Travel, work, chasing. The kids are doing absolutely nothing. They're clean cut, clean cut, stretch with you and so comfortable. Everyone I know who's tried these is completely hooked, guys. There's a risk free trial, 100 night sleep trial, 10 year warranty. Try them, wear them, love them or send them back. 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Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. I think this comedy festival does a lot for the people because they deserve to laugh. And it's gonna move the country in a great direction. And even if it doesn't, I've made a lot of money from it. Even if it doesn't. Even if actually somehow it goes backwards and somehow we give them license to treat the slaves even worse. Which is very possible if we reverse the progress that that country's made and we actually take it back. Very possible, actually. Probable if we give them license to treat the people even worse, who knows? But the reality is it's a good amount of money and sometimes, unfortunately, life. You gotta take the money. And I know young kids don't want to hear that. They don't want to hear that. I know they don't want to hear that. Sometimes you got to take the money. You got to take the money and look the other way. Take the money and look the other way. Sorry. Sorry, folks. Sorry. 911 was a long time ago. And who even knows what happened with that? Who even knows what happened with that? Okay, There's a lot of things going on. I'm not saying they weren't involved, but there was a lot of people involved. Okay, so that's my comment on the Saudi Comedy Festival. I just want people to know that and I want people to know that I'm doing this because they're paying me lots of money and I'm very lucky to do it and happy to do it and I'm grateful that I was asked to do it. And, and, and, and my response to the criticism is like, fuck off because no one cares. And aren't you the people that love all the migrants anyway? The same people criticizing this are the people that like, love all these migrants and want them in our country and want like the borders open and they want the doors flung open so that everyone from all cultures and all worlds can go fucking, you know, join a Somali gang in Minneapolis or something. They almost elected that guy from Captain Phillips, but the Democrats do whatever they do. They always do. They fucking invented some scam to get that guy out of the race. Now I'm no fan of that guy, but that was clearly some sham. My point is this. Omar Fatah or whatever. My point is this. So you're all, you're okay with all these people coming into America, but we can't go entertain them where they live? Does that make any sense to anyone? Does that make any sense to anyone? That we're supposed to just open the borders for all everyone in the world, but we can't go entertain them where they live, especially if they live in a luxurious place? Why would I, Why would I subscribe to that? Wacky. Or you just jealous that we're getting money? Sorry, bubba. This Taylor Swift. So many people are excited about this wedding. Taylor. Say what you want about Taylor Swift. Say what you want about this woman. This woman has one of the most toxic fan bases a human being can have. The women that I am so much more frightened of the women that follow Taylor Swift religiously than I am of anyone who lives in Saudi Arabia, including the Bin Laden family. By the way, I hope to have dinner with. Actually, I am. So the childless. The barren, cold, childless vaginas that line up to buy tickets to relive their summer camp. The 43 year old women who have crushes on Harry Styles. Okay. The sick cat. Cat mommy, wine mom. Crazy psychopaths who follow this woman terrify me more than anyone who lives in Saudi Arabia. I'm sorry, the disease that, that inspires these women to live vicariously through Taylor Swift. A nice gal. Probably not. I've actually heard she's not as nice as you'd come to believe. But by the way, no one who gets to that level is nice. I have no hate. No one who gets to Taylor Swift's level in anything is nice. How dumb are you all? You can't get to that level and be nice. What I'm saying is this. The people that have chosen to make this woman's life their life. Her engagement is their engagement. Her success is their success. The soundtrack of her life is a soundtrack to their life. Those women need to have burkas on them now. Now. Sorry. If you believe that the Taylor Swift song is talking to you, you need a burka now. You need a burqa now. If you broke down in tears because Taylor Swift got engaged to that vaccine shill, you need a burqa draped on you now. Acid in the face. Acid in the face. Religious police. And by the way, this is only for 3. 75. Imagine if they gave me 5. I tried to get 5. My fat agent tried to get 5. Imagine what I would have done for 5. But let's be serious for a minute. Are any of these women that are following Taylor Swift are going to 20 or 30 of her concerts. Are any of them better off? Because there isn't a religious police in this country. How many of them are better off if Captain Phillips, that emaciated migrant who they're about to elect in Minnesota, whatever his name is, Omar Fatah. I mean, get this guy up. I mean, what is going on? If he's going to hand out burkas as they leave Taylor Swift, I support him. I'll write him a check. I'm very scared. Can we watch this news anchor who reacted to Taylor Swift being engaged? These people need help. They need help. I'm telling you, Taylor Swift and I know people are not gonna like this is an incredibly mediocre talent. Sorry, she's not great. She's the perfect talent for our dying country. Cuz we're not great. We have fallen far from greatness. There are. We see greatness occasionally in this country and we're mystified by it. We're angry at it and we try to get rid of it. We don't even know how to handle it anymore. We can't metabolize greatness in this country or we thrive on mediocre bullshit. We all love nostalgia because we pray every day for Comet to wipe us out. Because we know it's over. So there's all these people trying to figure out how to feel like they did when they first had a s'. More. It's sick. It's sick. These are adults who want to relive their prom because they're fucking sick. You're supposed to actually get older. You're not supposed to be running around in your mid-30s at my party going, I got a pee pee. Look at my pee pee. And making out with your mother. Okay, these influencers are making out with their own mothers on social media. They're actually having sex with their mothers on social media. These influencers, by the way. It's weird. It's weird. It's freak. It's freak show time with some of these influencers. Their whole fan base is 12, and they're necking with mom. Something's up. CBS News here. Birkenau.
