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It's called soccer. It's called football.
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Soccer.
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Foot ball. Domino's Best deal ever. Lets you get any pizza, including stuffed crust with any toppings for 9.99. Okay, we can agree on that. Yeah, fully. So pineapple. Don't ruin it. Get any pizza, including stuffed crust with any toppings for 9.99. Finally, something everyone can get behind. And if the refs disagree, that's between them and Domino's. Which means the only thing left to fight over is who's D mino. Price is higher for some locations. Excludes XL and specialty pizzas. Select this offer from 615 to 726 online only. Size availability varies by crust type. Max 7 toppings, 6 for pan and New York style crust. Minimum purchase required for delivery prices, participation, delivery area and charges may vary. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon. Happy Fourth of July. It is America's birthday. I think it's 250 years that we've been doing this thing and we're still doing it. And if you say nothing else, that's something. It is. We're still doing it. Are we going strong? Who's to say? But we're still doing it. People are still into it. And it's the feeling of like when you're a, when you're young in you're a comedian, an actor, a musician, and you haven't succeeded on any level yet. Your relatives, when you go to a Thanksgiving or a Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza, whatever you do, your relatives go, you're still doing that. Still doing that. Still doing that comedy thing. You still doing music every now and then. And that's their way of saying, huh, interesting. And that's kind of. This is 4th of July still doing that. America still doing that. Okay, interesting. But we are and we're goddamn proud of it. I'm proud of things about, you know, about this country that other people aren't proud of. I, you know, I think we all have to find things about the country that we like that aren't things that other people would even associate with good. Like the way when a fast food drive thru line moves, when it moves and it doesn't look like it's going to move when you get in it and you go off fuck. And then it starts moving. That's good. That's something that you can look at and say, hey, that's like a really good thing. You know when you see an old friend somewhere and they look haggard and you feel a responsibility to reconnect with them in a meaningful way. And then you remember you live in America and this includes cousins, brothers and sisters, by the way, it's anyone you've ever known when you see them and they don't look great and their life is in some kind of crisis and there's a, there's a little bit of you that goes, I should care about this person and help them. Because you live in America and you're able to just get back in your car and drive away. That's good, that's good. You should look at that and go, that's maybe harder to do in other places where people live in small little towns and villages and you see people a lot and you feel some shared responsibility for them. But here in America, you can get in your car and drive a hundred miles away from a family member or a friend in crisis who needs you. That's good. Someone needs you. No one needs you like you need you in America. Don't forget that as much as you want to help people, and as much they don't, they will only resent you for it because it is America. In another country they might go, thank you for this help. I will forever tell the tale of your generosity and charity. But in America, they will resent you for helping them. So you're, you're freed of that responsibility, get back in your car, drive away. And that's good. That's an American value. An American value is seeing someone in need and leaving not because you don't want to help them, but because you realize it's not going to do anything. It won't even. It's not going to do anything. You get someone a job, you stick your neck, out, you go, they've fallen on hard times, they need a job. What happens two months from now? Someone calls you and goes, why did you saddle me with this loser? Why have you destroyed my life with this fucking zero? So what you have to do is. I know you want to help. It is a deeply human instinct. But there's another instinct and it's America. America comes into play and goes, don't meddle. Don't get involved. Mind your own business. Get in the car. Put the music on. Don't help anyone. Not even your children. Your children need help. Fuck em. They gotta figure it out. The only person you should help in this country is someone you're having an affair with because they have leverage on you. And they may tell your wife. If they tell your wife, your whole fucking life ends. Help them, get them a job, get them an apartment. But random Acts of kindness in America are anti American. They're anti American. Some people might disagree with me, but it is fully anti American. To randomly choose to help people that you don't know, or even worse, that you know. You have to just fight that urge. When the Palisades fire happened, a lot of people went to volunteer. I didn't. I didn't. I thought I should, but then I realized I'm not helping. I'm not helping. And all those people volunteering, what are they even doing? You're handing out bottles of water and taking photos of themselves. Doing doesn't work. It doesn't work. So that's something that's good that you are free in this country to pursue your own path, your own dreams. It doesn't matter if you're good at the thing you want to do. It's America. Force it down people's throats. It doesn't matter if you have the skill to do the thing you want to do. That's immaterial. In other countries, they will ask a question like, hey, can you do that? Do you, like, know how to do that? In America, what you say you are is what you are. Oh, you're a pilot. Ready for takeoff. It doesn't matter. That's good about our country. You can be talentless, you can be delusional, you can be abusive, you can be a psychopath, you can be a sociopath, sort of like an empty vessel. And you can figure it out here. You can figure it out here. Many other places that would be hard for you. But in America, our system is built for you. You tell people what you want them to think, and if they don't believe you, fuck em. Fuck them. They don't think you know how to sing, fuck em. They're threatened by you. You're gonna be a Dell. And if they don't get on board with that, it's their problem. It's their problem in America. It's your right to create your own reality and live in it and get very angry at people who do not subscribe to it. Viciously angry, violently angry. You can attack your own parents. You can attack your parents physically in this country. And when the cops show up and they say, why did you throw your mother down the stairs? You can tell the cops, she doesn't think I. She doesn't think I have the talent to make it in the music business. And then the cops will look at your bloodied mother and go, did you even give him a chance? Did you even give your boy a chance? It is A great country for those reasons. It is a great country for those reasons. There's absolutely. You have no responsibility to reality in this country. You don't. And anyone that does, frankly, is your enemy. They're your enemy. They are your enemy. If somebody tries to introduce any type of logic into anything that you say, like this new thing with Mamdani in the air conditioning. Mamdani said, set it to 78 degrees. There's a bunch of people that are mad at him. He's a communist. This is what communism looks like because it's 97 degrees in New York City and people are angry. And so Mamdani has now become people's personality. So half of the people go, it's good. It's shared sacrifice. It's good to sweat. Europe does. And that's fine. And then the other people are, like, also insane, going like, this is communism. 78 degrees. And the. The American answer is just, you don't do it. You don't do it. You don't set it to 78. You lie and tell people you did. That's the American solution. We're losing the country. You're supposed to make a post where you go, I think it's a little ridiculous that people can't set it to 78. You know, there's hospitals in this city, and we need the energy they need to conserve energy for people that really need it. And then you turn your thermostat down as low as it can go to the point where you're cold in your own house. I'm cold in my own house. I'm wearing a hoodie. I have a tiny kitten. He shivers and he goes, why is it so cold? He talks, he goes, why is it so cold? And I go, because we're making a point that we deserve this. We're Americans. I'm sitting right now in a freezing house, and I hope the grid goes down and I hope everyone dies. I will not turn my thermostat up a minute. If Mamdani said, NYU Langone just went down and all the babies in the incubators are dying, you know what I would do? I'd sit on my couch with a hot chocolate, in a hoodie, with the thermostat as low as it can go. Happy fourth of July. Those babies better figure it out. You better take those babies somewhere else. This is America. I don't know those babies in incubators, in the hot. There's a. Oh, the old age home, whatever, the generator, it's all fucked over there. It's Hot. They're dying. You're passing out of heat stroke. If you could just turn your thermostat down. The old age home is go. The old age home. What? I sit on my couch with a hoodie, hot chocolate, a shivering little kitten. I'll put a sweater on a cat. We're not turning our thermostat up. It doesn't matter if Mom Donnie called me personally and said, elderly members of your own family are in the hospital. The power just shorted out. They're minutes from death and the only way to save them would be turning your thermostat up to 78. I would say, with all due respect, Mr. Mayor, I'm getting another call. That's what America is. Sorry. It's what we've created here. Some people might be hearing this and going, well, I don't actually think that. No, it's what we've created here. And a friend of mine just called me, said, I'm thinking of leaving my boyfriend. I go, leave him, Leave them, leave them, leave them. I didn't even ask why long term relationship they're in. I said, just leave them. It's America. Just leave them. Call the cops, change the locks, accuse them of rape. It's, this is the United States of America. Well, you know, I think we're just moving in different directions. He raped you. Call the police. What are we doing here? Are you nuts? Change the locks. He's a violent rapist. Testify at the trial that he raped you, rape yourself, and then accuse him of it and send him to jail. It's the United States, You. Because otherwise they get mad at you. If somebody calls you and goes, I'm thinking of doing something, and you go, I don't know. There's many things to consider. They'd go, just, just agree with them immediately. I, I'm at 41 years old. I agree with everyone immediately. Now. I agree with everyone immediately. It makes it so much easier. They call, they go, I'm thinking of destroying my family and my life. I go, yep, that time I'm happy. I got this call. You're in the right to do it. You're in the right to do it. Somebody calls me, they've been sober 20 years. I think I can handle a drink. I bet you can. I bet you can go out and have a cocktail, see what happens. It's the United States of America. It's what we've built. Sorry. You know, my cousin, for example, my cousin having a wedding, I'm going to it. But I, you know, my parents Going to be there. I haven't spoken to them in a while. I want to get my cousin a present that's so expensive that it makes my parents feel bad. I want to show them that I have money by getting my cousin a present that's so disgustingly expensive. Like a Tesla or something. Or like a tiger from Dubai. Heavily drugged, of course, like some type of drugged animal. Like a drug tiger. What about a tester with a drug tiger from Dubai in it? Like a drug. Like a. Like it looks dead, but it's not. And it pulls up and there's a tiger and don't animal welfare people get on me. Fuck the fuck off. By the way, here's the deal with the animal welfare people. It has not gone your way. Rightly or wrongly, it has not gone the way of the animal welfare people. We care less about the welfare of these big cats and we ever have. They're cool. And yes, they have to be on drugs to be in the home. I imagine a Tesco's. Oh, it's present time. And a Tesla pulls up. And the Tesla pulls up and I go and I yell, I gotta yell and tell the whole wedding party. I go, I got you a car. I got like Oprah, you got a car. And then the Tesla pulls up and there's a heavily drugged Siberian tiger in the front seat. And he's wearing a hat and he's really drugged because they're violent, these tigers. He's really drugged. He pulls up and I roll the windows down and you see this Bengal tiger, Siberian tiger, whatever, his big paws in his head, he's like hanging out of the Tesla and he's foaming a little bit, but his eyes are still open, he's alive. And I go, and I got you a tiger. I got you a car and a tiger. And people at the wedding party go, that must have cost a fortune. I go, not for me. Not for me. It was nothing to drug this animal illegally, ship it here, put it in a Tesla and drive it to this wedding. It was nothing. That's what I want to do. That's what I'm trying to do. I love Ultra pouches. It's a nicotine free pouch, zero nicotine, zero caffeine. I love Ultra pouches. I'm telling you, you want to be focused, you want to have energy, you want to be sharp, you want to be smart. That's why I started using Ultra pouches. They're a complete game changer for my focus and energy levels. I've been using them for months. I love them and I can't believe they don't have nicotine or caffeine in them. What exactly is in them? L theanonine, alpha GPC vitamins, B6, B12, infinity PX. A cleaner, smoother energy boost in caffeine. I'm telling you, give it a shot. Get off the coffee, get off the nicotine and get on this. Get on it baby. 90% of users saw a significant improvement in their overall focus levels. Calm, steady flow state focus, enhanced memory, smooth energy, mood, balance always zero nicotine and zero caffeine. Trusted by athletes, entrepreneurs and engineers around the world. What's your favorite flavor? Well, now that you ask, I like Blue Raz. It's sweet, but it's also tart. You get it? It's sweet and tart. Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. New customers can use code Tim Dylan and get 15% off. Take culture.com that's take ultra.com for 15% off the code Tim Dillon after you purchase it will ask you you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you.
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Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Save up to 50% off your favorite self care brands this summer. Stock up on wellness products like Cortisone 10 Ultra Soothing Cream, Dualcolax Stool Softener Gels, Claritin 24 Hour Allergy Tablets, Nature's Truth Magnesium Cortisone 10 Cooling Spray, Dualcolax Stimulant Tablets and Nature's Truth Elderberry Gummies. Enjoy savings on top of savings. When you shop in store or online for easy pickup or delivery, restrictions apply. See the website for full terms.
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But this is the United States. This is our 250 year anniversary. It's, it's, it's, it's. We, we have to understand what we've built here and we have to enjoy it and actually celebrate the parts of it that other people don't like the negatives in our country, oh, everyone's fat because we have the bomb food. Nobody's got food like we do. We have food where people kill them. They kill themselves with it. They kill themselves with. That's how good it tastes. Yum yum. Do you know how good our food is? Do you know how good. You know, I had some fast food in UK when I was in London. I had Taco Bell. I tried there at McDonald's. You know what I said I wouldn't kill myself with this. This isn't worth the Desecration of my body, the destruction of my soul. But then you come here and you go to a Taco Bell in the suburbs. I mean, the burbs, you can't do it in the city because the migrants, when they're making it, don't give a shit, by the way. And that's why I think we gotta limit that. When a refugee can make a quesadilla the way a suburban Hispanic can, then we'll talk. But you go to a Taco Bell in the suburbs and you have that first bite of a chicken quesadilla when you are drunk and high and probably both, and you're in the front seat of your car, pedal to the metal, because it's the United States. And you're. You just drop your son off at his mother's house after the play date, which consisted of you showing him guns. And then you go through the Taco Bell, drive through, because you're limited on funds. And you take that first bite of a quesadilla with that hot, gooey cheese. You don't know what's cheese and what sauce. It's perfect. That char on the outside. You saw that fat little torto woman press it. I like watching it get pressed, that fat little torta, that chubby little torto woman sheets. And then you have the char and you have that creamy jalapeno sauce. And you say to yourself, I will. I'll kill myself with this. I will eat this until I'm dead. That's why our country rocks, because people eat food until they die, because it's so good. My mother used to take me to a place called Old Country Buffet. It was in Levittown, Long Island. We would eat. I would bring a friend. We'd eat for two hours. There would be multiple. You'd go, keep going to the buffet. And I was a young child, you know, I don't know, 11 or something young. You would go to the buffet and you'd keep going. At the end, they had a chocolate pudding cake, and you'd put ice cream on top of it. And then my mother drove a van. And then on the way home, I would. I would pass out almost. I would damn near pass out like a junkie that's being driven to a rehab from the amount of sugar and fat and salt that was consumed at this place. And some people in other countries go, oh, that's actually child abuse. It's not here. It's a celebration of the culture that we've built. Our food rocks, people. It's so Good. Hey, if our food's not good, why are there. Why are people dying because of it? That, that doesn't mean it's bad. If our food was bad, people would stop and say enough. But they don't. They go back and back, oh, there's too much porn. Cuz our porn is good. We let everyone participate in porn. That's why our country's so good. It doesn't matter who you are, kindergarten teacher, put your out for everybody. Does it matter? That's why our country is so good. We go to everyone and say, be a porn star. Show yourself on the Internet doing things to yourself. Defile yourself and earn a pretty damn good living. There was a story, I talked about it, where a young man was helping his own mother with her only fans and her shoes. That's beautiful. That's an American tradition. I help my mother with her only fan shoots and she makes money to pay for this house and my video games. That's something we should celebrate. You used to have to move to LA and go to the Valley to be a porn star with some creep. Now your own son can take photos of your pussy. If that's not an American, a distinctly American thing, well, I don't know what is. People go, oh, people are too stressed in America. They have all these jobs, they die. You know, they collapse from exhaustion, from anxiety, they have nervous breakdowns, they have mental breakdowns, they don't have health care, they don't have any peace of mind. You know what? Listen. People in this country want to win. And winning kills you. Winning kills you. So when you're seeing someone who's just collapsed from exhaustion because they just walked out of the supermarket and they're trying to get home to their kids and they just left their second job and they collapse in the parking lot, that's a soldier and that's someone to be respected. And if they pass away and they leave this earth with a rotisserie chicken falling out of their hands because they have a cardiac incident because or stroke because they're so stressed out that they can't pay their bills. And they're. When they collapse and the last thing their face hits is that pavement and that rotisserie chicken bounce, it's the last thing they see is that discount rotisserie chicken. As the life leaves their eyes, they just see that rotisserie chicken that was on sale tumbling out of its plastic container, free to be ravaged by a local raccoon, a couple of cats, or a homeless person. The last thing they see is that, that Is a soldier who died and left it all on the field. Why would we hate that? Why would we try to change that? There's nothing better than sitting in a big house in this country alone and thinking about killing yourself. A 6,000 square foot McMansion on a cul de sac alone because your wife and kids have left. Sitting there with an eight bowl of cocaine on a glass table and a big screen TV watching UFC at the White House and thinking, why don't I just blow my brains out? There is not. That doesn't happen in other countries. You don't have it. We have such an amazing number one. Just the size of the home. Pacing around empty room, empty room, doing bumps in empty rooms where you thought children were going to live. Gacked out of your face thinking if you should go get the gun and end it all. But you don't. That's America. A large home to pace around in when you are lonely. And then you start cooking up schemes. I'll make all the money. I'll figure it out. Should we pitch a reality show? Maybe we're a reality family. This is a distinctly American thing. It's a distinctly American thing and should be celebrated. A lot of people say, well, it's sad and it's actually haunting. It's a scene from a horror movie.
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It's.
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It's a distinctly American thing to be on cocaine in the suburbs in the middle of the night trying to figure out your life. Many of you are listening to this in that state right now. That's a distinctly American thing to be on cocaine in a large house with the air conditioning blasting. Fuck you, my Donnie. And you're sitting there and then you're coming down and you try to like jerk off and the come down from coke is horrible. And you're in a house and all of the other houses in the suburb, their lights are off because they're sleepy. Sleepy. But not you. You're not asleep, are you? Because you've got a plan. And the rest of the sheep on this block, they're content with what they have. But you're going to go further, higher. It's going to be big. When people realize how serious you've been your whole life. All those people that wrote you off, all those people who laughed at you, they're going to pay dearly for it. Sitting in your backyard and having those thoughts, high on cocaine in the suburbs, in a home your wife and children have left because you have violent tendencies is a distinctly American and beautiful moment. And so what if people in fucking Sweden don't get it. Who care? Oh, Norway doesn't get it. Making your children stars at the expense of their mental and physical health is a distinctly American thing. I don't care if it's in athletics. I don't care if it's in Hollywood. Telling your children that they must be great at a young age, separating them from their childlike wonder and forcing them into a capitalist consumer economy where they then have to consistently prove that they are better than other children so you can live vicariously through them, then eventually hate them and steal their money, is a distinctly American thing. And it's amazing. Children in the workforce, yes or yes, I'm bullish on it. Standing in the, in the bleachers, watching your child in sports and going, if they're going all the way, they're going to the Olympics. Seeing your child in the school play and going, this talent is wasted here. It's wasted here. Let's force them to commodify this. Now, that's America. That's America. Eating dinner with your daughter and going, you like, you like being on stage, don't you? Yeah. Yes, I do. Do you want to be a star? What? A star? Like the people on the tv? I, I, I want to be on tv. Do you really want to be on tv? Yeah. You have to work very hard. Yeah. You take their pancakes away. I, I'm eating. No more pancakes for you. You understand me? Starting right here, right now, at this Denny's, you make a promise to me. What? You promised me. You're gonna work hard and you're gonna make it no matter what. There's going to be long nights of doubt.
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What?
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You're not going to see your friends anymore. Why? Because you're a star and they're not. I don't like this. That's weakness. And I won't have it from you. Tomorrow we're going to sign you up for 75 dance classes a week. It's going to end gymnastics. It's going to stunt your growth. In fact, you're gonna stay the exact same size you are right now. It's gonna stunt your growth. You understand me? No. You're gonna go to dance class until your feet bleed. What? You're gonna go to dance class until your feet bleed, and you're gonna be a goddamn star. I don't want to. You don't have a choice. It's what you were born for. That's America. That's America. And Trump understands all these things. Trump sells to the people. These are the people. Trump gets It Polymarket goes, will Trump be impeached before his term ends? Well, what chance? What do they have there? I hope it's a 68% chance. I imagine he will, but let's. He'll survive it. He'll probably survive it. The people I've just described here are. They are the country. These are the. And Trump knows that. And he sells to the people, the good people of our country. The good people. Trump knows how to sell to them. Because we're a country where people still believe in things. Sorry, Europe. People still believe in things. I'm telling you right now, Ridge Wallets are amazing, but they have so many products on their store. If you go to ridge.com Tim Dillon, I mean, the chart, charging cases and the wallets and all of this stuff, the Ridge Power Bank, I mean. I mean, you want to talk about durable? You want to talk about durable for a minute, buddy? Want to talk about durable for 15 fucking minutes? It's durable, you understand? Look at this cup. That's not durable, is it? It is kind of durable. I thought it would. It's ruined now, but it is tough to get it to go fully down. I don't want to hurt my hand, but see, you see what I'm doing to this cup? You're beating it. 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HIMS is not affiliated with or endorsed by the actress the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey wedding is going to take place at Madison Square Garden. So many people whose maturity stopped at summer camp, who have riddled themselves with pretend anxiety disorders, have diagnosed themselves with fake autoimmune diseases, have refused to grow up for whatever reason are invested in they, they. They emotionally and intellectually froze when they were at some 8th grade block party. People like that, people with that capacity are, oh, and I'm not saying you can't be a fan of Taylor or whatever, Travis. I'm saying the people that are overdoing it out there, the people that cried at her engagement, the people that are sick, they live amongst us, but they're ill. Those people are. This is Woodstock for them. This is January 6th for them. For those people who their attachment to this woman seem. And by the way, it's like there's the same thing with people who feel this way about Trump. Like this guy came into their lives and saved their life. I know people like this Trump walked down the escalator and their life was saved. They can't imagine a world where he's not in it. And Taylor Swift has done this to people. That eras tour saved people's lives, okay? They went to that thing. Many of them went multiple times. They drained their bank accounts. They, you know, sold their frozen embryos that they were going to have make into children. Whatever they did, they went to see this bitch, God love her, God bless her. And they stood there in the arena and they. And, and they go, I remember the first time I heard this song, and usually it was I was in ninth grade, I had a crush on a guy. I heard this Taylor Swift song and that's where I fro emotionally I froze right there. I was like, I don't want to hear nothing about nothing else. This is where I'm another 14 and there's still that person walking around ninth grade listening to the song, you know, and those people, this wedding for them is going to be a big deal. It's going to be a big, big deal. And if Israel wants us back on, on their side, they will bomb this wedding and blame it on Iran and look out for that. It's coming, Israel is. There's discussions, there's high level discussions in Israel going, should we bomb this thing and blame it on Iran? Because it's the only thing that will unite everybody. It's the only thing that'll get liberals, conservatives, the only thing. And listen, I obviously don't want it to happen, but as false flags go, the Taylor Swift weddings. In breaking news, the Taylor Swift MSG nuptials have been attacked by Iran. Casualty numbers are mounting. We haven't heard from Taylor or Travis's representatives, but we fear the worst. Trump has ordered a nuclear strike on Tehran in retaliation. It's the only thing that we can do here. It's the only thing that we can do. If you do a false flag at the Taylor Swift event, I'm telling you, you will get everyone back. I don't want it to happen. I'm just saying 911 won't even matter anymore. You do, another 9 11, people won't even care. Oh, a bank got blown up. Can you imagine now, a 911 now. Oh, a bank got blown up. Good, good. People will not be that angry if you blow up a financial institution in lower Manhattan. I'm telling you, they just won't, they just won't shoot up la. Nobody cares. You know what I mean? I. Nobody's. You do something in Nashville or Texas, the other people aren't going to care about that. Taylor Swift's wedding's the only one. It's the only one. Now, obviously, I'm not saying they should do it, but it's very hard now to pick a target that's gonna unite people because if they light up a building in lower Manhattan, it's not gonna work. Oh, oh, a couple of white guys finally got burned alive in their, in their bank. It won't. You know, I, I'm, I'm not even, I won't, I won't even be that mad about it. And I work in one of those buildings in lower Manhattan. I won't even be that mad about. If they blew this building up now and we were all on fire and I walked to the window to throw myself out of it, I wouldn't even be that mad. Truly not madder than If I found out it was T. Swift, I, I don't even think I'd be that. If I died in a terrorist attack, the level of anger I'd feel wouldn't even be that high. I get it. I, I, I agree too much with the terrorists now. The terrorists make too much sense to me now to be that angry at them. Because I've realized that, yes, I don't agree with their methods, obviously, but if the terrorists were to bomb the building I work in, I would be inconvenienced for sure. My life would end. But I would go, you know, we have done a few things and that's. But still want it, but still proud to be an American and knowing that we're going to kill a nuke them, and that's okay too. That's what America means. America means lying in the rubble of a building being attacked by terrorists, understanding why they did it, not being super mad at them, but also understanding that your government will respond with an crazy amount of force and nuke the whole world. And kind of being happy about that too, because everyone's playing their role. America's about playing your position, understanding your role. As I lay there in the ash of a smoldering building in lower Manhattan, I think to myself, I'm playing my role. I'm getting burned alive in order to build some type of consensus amongst other people in my country that we need to use nuclear weapons in a place I've never been. Fine. It's okay. It's what it is. It's why we have frozen yogurt, I guess. Oh, yum, yum. Frozen yogurt on a hot day when the toppings are all smushed into each other. How could you be mad that you might have to give your life for that? By being in a building in lower Manhattan while it's set on fire by maybe your own government. Who knows? Even if my own government, if my own government allows an attack to happen where I am burned alive in lower Manhattan in a building and I'm eating frozen yogurt and the toppings are all smushed together because of the heat, I'm not mad at it. It's the most American way to go. Why am I going to be about that? It'll suck. I'll feel bad. I'll feel bad for the Mexican janitors who really don't know what's happening. I'll, I got to explain it to them in the last four minutes of our lives. You go, listen. We've done a lot of listen here's why this is happening. Sit down, Maria. Sit down. Let me explain to you. You know, we've. You know we've fucked up. Fire is coming to here. Yes, yes, but let me explain. You. We have a long history of this.
- [42:37]
B
What?
- [42:39]
A
You know, it's. A lot of people say Nam. A lot of people say the Gulf of Tonkin, you know. You know about that? Oh, what, the Vietnam? Is the Vietnamese doing this? No, no, this might be Arabs, but it might be Arabs hired by Israelis or by us. Or it might be real Arabs. It could be fake Arabs. It could be American, Israeli Arabs. I don't understand. Oh, Maria, I wish we'd started this a few weeks ago. God, it's so complicated. We have probably 30 minutes before the fire reaches this floor. We won't be rescued. Maria. Now, I know you want to spend a lot of that time praying, but do you mind if I showed you a documentary that kind of explains what's going on? Okay, I guess. I guess we still have Wi Fi. Honey, sit down. Now take a look at this. And that would be my job. My job in a. In a. In a. In a 911 event, would be to run around and kind of explain to people what was happening as they were dying. Die with knowledge, I would say. Die with knowledge. We say a quick prayer and then we watch a documentary about it. But that's the United States, and you were alive during it. You were alive in this moment in history. This moment, this weird moment in history where machines were coming and replacing you and you were jerking your cock while eating poisoned food in an empty house in a suburb that was sacrificed to Baal 40 years ago. And you're sitting there and you're alive still, kind of, in a way, and you're waiting for the sweet release of some type of violent death, a random shooting in a target or a. You know, a trucker doesn't smoke enough meth, so his fucking, you know, Mack truck just plows into you or something like, you know, you're alive at this moment. There's something beautiful about that, and you got to appreciate that. And it's not for all the. You know. Well, isn't nature pretty? The people that understand America the least are the ones who start talking about nature. But I've spent some time around these people recently. They talk about nature and national parks. Have you ever. Have you ever gotten his die on? So Yosemite is the place and, like, you really got. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. What are you talking about? It's nothing to do with America. America's about. Is about a very specific thing. It is about resenting nature and being okay with its slow death. I. I'm still proud to live here. I would have never lived anywhere else. Truly. It's an amazing place. It's a truly amazing country. And I did cocaine with my substitute teacher at a crack house when I was 14 years old. We didn't. We. We all, we recognized each other as we were doing cocaine. I was 14 years old and she was a sub in my school district. And we're hanging out at a crack house that was owned by the mayor's son. Okay. My best friend's mother was a. A woman who. A lady of the evening, as they say, who saved enough money to buy a share of Berkshire Hathaway, a stock. Warren Buffett stock. You know, that guy who owns Dairy Queen and lives in Omaha, Nebraska, where all the pedophilia happens. Anyway, not saying anything. Don't sue me. I'm just saying I grew up around some amazing people, and I would have never. I would never trade it for anything in the world. I would have never traded it to live in Norway. You know, it's like four, you know, two siblings who looked exactly like me and our parents, and they were like, go to the lake. I don't know how they talk. I'm not doing it the right way, but they go, let's go to the lake. And then we go to the lake, and then we have this nice life where, ooh, the trees, the wind and the trees. And we're at the lake. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I would. I love that, that I live in this country in its current form. I love that Donald Trump is our president. I love that Jake Paul will be our president soon. I love that we won't have a country soon. We'll have something that resembles an amusement park that was shuttered, but it'll still feel like a country. We'll still call it a country. I love that people seem to be going crazier now as they're not becoming more sane or reasonable, they're actually going crazier. And I love that the biggest debate in our country is when robots should replace us and how. What a great time. What a interesting time. There are seven psychopaths on TV constantly telling you that robots are going to replace you. You're going to be in relationships with them, and then you better merge with them or they're going to defeat you. And you kind of have to treat it as like just normal New Remember what the news used to be like 50 years ago now it's like the robot army. You will either join them or perish at their hands. And you have to just go and then get in your car and have an egg sandwich. There's aliens. Welcome to the evening news. God was a story created by aliens who live underground and they've worked with our government for years and they have bases under the water. Did you do your homework? We got to go to school now. We're living through such a crazy time and the only thing we can do is enjoy the fact that we're still doing it. We're still doing. Doesn't make sense. It probably never will, but we're still doing it. We've unleashed the power of human potential in this country for very good and very bad things. Totally. You can't have it both ways. You don't, you don't have the good with the. But you don't give people maximum freedom and then go, wow, it's all great now. No, you're gonna, you're gonna get psycho religious cults. You're gonna get people with dog masks on being walked down the street. You're gonna get, you know, the Gaza gays or whatever this. You're gonna get plus sized park hoppers, people that are too fat to go to the amusement parks. You're gonna get those childless people that just want to go to amusement parks and eat like cheesecake on a stick. You're going to get the people. You'll get the furry conventions. You're going to get the bitcoin psychopaths in Miami. You're going to get the trad cath Christian influencer nut jobs who also intersect weirdly with the looksmaxing community and the, and the fucking crypto evangelists. You're going to get all of that. You're going to get the steely eyed liberals in Massachusetts who sit there with Jonathan Swan and Maggie Haberman's book. Oh my God, there's so many details. And they sit there with their morning coffee on their fucking porch. You're going to get all of that. You're going to get the amateur UFC fighters in Vegas who are bashing their skulls in to try to make money. You're going to get parents who take their children to pageants and plays and recitals to try to sculpt their child into the next Britney Spears. The next person will be put in a conservatorship and then let out. And then we immediately realize she needs to go back in. You're going to get all of that. You don't get the good without the bad. This is the United States of America. You're going to get the zannied out housewives in Orange county who sit there on their back patios while their husbands feast on Asian porn. And those women sit there and they knock back white zinfandel and they talk about the colleges their kids are getting admitted to. You're going to get that. You're going to get the radical libertarian lunatics in Austin, Texas who are doing lines of blow and telling you about Curtis Yarvin. You're gonna get all of that. That's what our country is. It's an insane asylum. But it's fun. But it's fun. You're not gonna get any one thing here. And just know that if you ever look around and feel any type of way about these people, you don't have to. You actually don't have to. That's why we've created this so you don't feel any obligation to your fellow man, your family, your friends, your community, your society. You don't have to feel anything like that because we've created this fun house of horrors. So the minute you feel responsibility for the way this place looks, just send it on down the road. Pin it on someone else. It had nothing to do with you, did it? You were just trying to build your business. I'm just trying to put the right team around me and be productive. That's all you were trying to do. You don't have the culpability or the responsibility. That's how we've built it. You're not flying the plane, you're a passenger. In fact, no one's flying the plane. That's the fun.
- [51:33]
B
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Earn four times the points on your favorite brands now through July 28th on eligible items like Pantene Moisturizing Shampoo, Gillette Razors and Refills. Secret Clinical Strength Deodorant, Herbal Essences Hair Care, Old Spice Deodorant, Pampers Swaddlers Diapers and Crest Clean Breath Toothpaste. Enjoy Savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy pickup or delivery, restrictions apply. See the website for full terms. Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Save up to 50% off your favorite self care brands this summer. Stock up on wellness products like Cortisone 10 Ultra Soothing Cream, Dualcolax Stool Softener Gels, Claritin 24 Hour Allergy Tablets, Nature's Truth Magnesium Cortisone 10 Cooling Spray, Dual Collax stimulant tablets, and Nature's Truth elderberry gummies. Enjoy savings on top of savings. When you shop in store or online for easy pickup or delivery, restrictions apply. See the website for full terms.
- [52:31]
A
So don't get mad when people disagree with you. Don't get mad at Mom Donnie, because he said, put the air conditioning 78 degrees. Lie about it and don't do it. Lie about it and don't do it. Be like, I think it's a little stupid that people can't tolerate a little bit of heat. And then make your thermostat as cold as it can be, as cold as humanly possible, to the point where you are shivering in July. Being an American is about shivering in July cold. Where your dick shrivels up and you have garments on in your own home. And your pet should be like, what the fuck's going on? Use the energy. Burn it alive. Because that's the way it is. That's the way it is. I've seen so much of this country, I love so much of this country, and for the reasons that I've laid out. That our food kills us, that we've turned everyone into an amateur pornographer, that, you know, people long for this sweet relief of a violent death while out shopping on a random Wednesday afternoon. That we celebrate the stress and the strain that we put on people and we make them, you know, take amphetamines just so they have the strength to get through a grocery store to buy discounted food to serve to their children. All of those things I've learned to love about our country. And some people look at those and think they're bad, actually. But what I think you have to do is embrace it. I love that we make our children stars at a young age. I love that we have an ultra competitive world in which we thrust children who are not mentally or emotionally capable of. Of understanding what's happening. We thrust them into this world and we destroy their minds by forcing them to commodify themselves in athletics or entertainment early. It's who we are. It's who we are. So what, you know, I mean, it is what it is. We're. We're a drive through culture. We're a highway culture. We're a McMansion culture. And that's what we are. You can. I mean, listen, maybe it'll change, but love it. Love it. Love that empty. There's nothing better than the quiet, empty streets of suburbia. The Haunting nature of what we've built. The darkness that creeps around the corner. The guy. The weird people that lurk around the suburbs with unfulfilled dreams. The dark sick fucks that keep people in their basements. Every now and then, one of them gets dragged out by the FBI and then probably told that they've done a good job and then hired by the FBI. Whatever. I'm just saying. There's nothing better than the American suburb. The vape shop followed by the ketamine clinic, followed by the fucking Carl's Jr. Followed by the acupuncture studio, the Pilates studio, the Reiki yoga healing place, the psychic, the fucking goodyear tire, the McDonald's, the fucking convenience store, the church, the Denny's, the rehab, the strip mall. With the financial professionals. The financial professionals, the advisory. There's nothing better than the American suburbs. Nothing better than the vacant American city, the emptiness of Cleveland, Ohio. You hear something in the dark, howling in pain. Some people would think it's some type of animal or something that escaped from another dimension. But you know better. It's a veteran. It's a veteran who we wouldn't give health care, who's reliving the trauma of a war he shouldn't have fought. You know exactly who it is when you hear that. No Stephen King novel here. No aliens, no shape shifters, no interdimensional beings. Just. People have given all for the country and immediately were spit on and turned into monsters when they returned. You know it. Head for the car. Get the kids in the car. Get the kids in the car. Dad, what's that? Is that a monster? No, it. It's one of our fellow citizens. He served in Operation Iraqi Freedom. What's that? Well, it was a war we fought. What is it?
- [57:40]
B
This war?
- [57:41]
A
No. But yes. Kind of similar, anyway. Shut up. Get in the car. Eat your fucking ice cream. It sounds like that person's in pain. They're fine. They're living with their choices. They sound like they're behind the dumpster. And you see them. You see a vision of someone behind the dumpster. You see a shadow. You know, it's this kind of thing, this kind of. You know, it's kind of lurching. It's. And it's coming closer to you and your family, and you put them in the car. You put your family in the car and your kids, your fat kids with their sticky little fingers in the back. Daddy, hurry up, the monster is coming. And your wife, who's cheating on you, in the front seat is like. It's it's, he's. This person. Sounds disturbed. Perhaps you should drive a little faster. Perhaps you should drive a little faster. And you're like, in your mind, you're like, listen, you stupid cunt, if I drive faster and I hit this guy, I'm going to be all over the news. I just hit some homeless guy. My fucking car. Shut up. It's fine. You have to make a three point turn in an alley and then go back out the other way to get back on the highway. And you see this thing, this, this, this half man, you know, half beast kind of lurching towards you. And it's, you know, you could kind of see it and it's odd, it's a strange creature and your kids are staring at it and you're very, you're very concerned about what's about to happen here, you know, and you have two choices. One of them is to drive slowly through the alley and see this creature, see this thing that you're pretty certain is one of your fellow citizens. You don't really believe in ghosts or monsters or werewolves or ghouls. You know exactly who it is. It's an American that you've thrown in the street. And you go, well, if we, if I drive slowly past this guy, there's gonna be all these questions for my kids and my wife. It's like, do I want to spend the next 30 minutes. Because you went to the 4th of July celebration in Cleveland was kind, of, it was kind of mid. It's kind of mid. Not great. Not great. But you got to do things with your family. You and your wife are both cheating on each other, but you got to do things with your family to keep this up, largely for your parents, who pay for most of your life. They're still giving you money. And if any of your affairs come to light or if you get a divorce, your parents have already told you they're going to cut you off. And you'll have to figure it out. The fact that you have this family is the only reason they're still giving you money. So you're in the alley and you go, do I want to spend the next 30 minutes explaining operation Iraqi Freedom to my children? So you begin to accelerate down the alley quickly, and instead of your wife saying, what are you doing? She simply grabs your arm and, and, and, and, and, and, and grips it because she knows what you're about to do and she knows it has to be done. She grips your arm and she, she grabs it and applies pressure. But not to say, stop not to say stop, to say, I'm with you. Yes, we're cheating on each other, but I know what you're about to do. You're about to accelerate this car and kill this veteran, putting it out of its misery, and I'm with you. But she silently just grabs your arm and applies pressure like, let's do this, daddy, let's do it old school. And your kids in the back shout, faster, faster. And they can see that you're going towards this man at full speed. Faster, daddy, faster. Your little daughter, she's sick, she just starts yelling, kill him, daddy, kill him. Kill the bad man, kill him. And you're going, and you're going faster and faster and faster. And then finally. And this man doesn't try to go to the left, he doesn't try to go to the right. There's maybe two feet on either end. He doesn't run out the alley. He's staring at you. You see his face in the last few seconds, he's covered in dirt and in soot. And your six year old daughter is yelling in the back of the car, kill him, daddy, kill him. Kill him, daddy, kill him. And your wife is holding your arm and applying pressure. And you can feel her nails. And you can feel her pussy is getting wet for the first time in years for you because you're about to commit a murder. And then you see the man's face. You see his eyes right before you make contact. And now you feel not only good about killing him, but justified. And his face is saying, kill me. Kill me. And you hit him. And he flies over your car, this thing from behind the dumpster in the vacant city, he flies over your car. And the minute you hit him and he flies over your car, your kids get a look in their eyes that no fireworks display could ever inspire in them. They get so happy and they go. And for a moment, your family is everything you wanted it to be. The excitement, the love, the togetherness, all of the things you thought it would be. It is in that moment when you kill a veteran in an alley to put him out of its misery. You hear a thud as you drive out of the alley and you look back and the man lays motionless, just a dark figure on a forgotten American street. Your children sit in the back of your car and they are quiet, but you can see in the rearview mirror they've got the Popsicle, that rocket, you know, Popsicle all over their face. And they're thrilled, they're happy. They had their first taste of what it means to Be an American. And then your wife takes her hand off your arm. She looks at her phone and then she says to you, we should probably take local streets, maybe be less traffic. And you go, eh, I think we'll try the highway. She goes, all right, try the highway. And then there's a moment of silence. And you're about to say something like, hey, we can never speak of this again. We can never speak of it again that I just killed a man with our car. But you realize immediately you don't have to say that, because the moment had ended. Your kids are ready on their phones. They'll wonder when they wake up tomorrow if any of this was even real. And so will you. And you white knuckle the drive back to your street, back to your house. You killed a man for the right reasons. After the Fourth of July celebration. And your wife walks inside and she goes, I'm a little tired. I'm going to head up to bed. I'll get the kids to bed. And you sit down in your living room. And it's quiet. You still feel a little bit of the adrenaline, but it's dissipating. It's dissipating and you can breathe. You're no longer worried about the cops finding you. Nobody investigates some dead guy in an alley. You know that you'll take your car to get fixed, claim you hit a deer. No one's looking for you. And you don't even pretend that they are. And you sit there in the dark. You lose track of time. Your wife and kids are asleep. And you start to see the sun peeking out, peeking out from the trees, peeking out from over the little hills that your children call mountains. And you kind of giggle. Ha ha. Mountains. We can't afford mountains, Bud. But as the sun comes up, you say to yourself, life's good. This is a great country, and it always will be. And you shuffle into the kitchen and you hear the rustling upstairs. And there's going to be two fat little kids that want breakfast, and you're going to give it to them. Last night you showed them their first murder. But it won't be their last. It's July 4th, and it's your Independence Day. Thank you, everyone. Good luck.
- [66:32]
B
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Earn four times the points on your favorite brands now through July 28th on eligible items like Pantene Moisturizing Shampoo, Gillette Razors and Refills, Secret Clinical Strength Deodorant, Herbal Essences, Hair Care, Old Spice Deodorant Pampers, Swaddlers Diapers and Crest Clean Breath Toothpaste. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy pickup or delivery. Restrictions apply. See the website for full terms. Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Earn four times the points on your favorite brands now through July 28th on eligible items like Pantene Moisturizing Shampoo, Gillette Razors and Refills, Secret Clinical Strength Deodorant, Herbal Essences Hair Care, Old Spice Deodorant, Pampers Swaddlers Diapers and Crest Clean Breath Toothpaste. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy pickup or delivery. Restrictions apply. See the website for full terms.