Trump Stirs Controversy with 50-Year Mortgage | Miles Teller, Hannah Berner | Tuesday, November 11

Summary

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Episode: Trump Stirs Controversy with 50-Year Mortgage | Miles Teller, Hannah Berner
Date: November 11, 2025
Podcast Release: November 12, 2025

---

Episode Overview

This vibrant Veterans Day episode of The Tonight Show is packed with Jimmy Fallon's signature blend of topical monologue, rapid-fire celebrity interviews, and quirky comedic flourishes. The show honors U.S. veterans and active military, hosting an audience filled with them and their families. Fallon is joined by actor Miles Teller, in to promote his new film “Eternity,” and comedian/podcaster Hannah Berner, who brings her energetic storytelling and candid humor. The episode covers everything from political headlines (including Trump’s proposed 50-year mortgage plan) and Veterans Day salutes to awkward on-tour stories and a hilarious on-stage “calf-off.”

---

Key Discussion Points and Segments

Monologue & Topical Jokes (00:04 - 07:52)

• Veterans Day Special Tribute:

  • The entire audience is comprised of veterans, active military personnel, and their families.
  • Fallon expresses gratitude:

    “Thank you for all the sacrifices you have made fighting overseas, while the rest of us are at home fighting over bear shaped cups at Starbucks.” (01:28)

  • Light-hearted comparisons about never having been to a war zone but knowing late-night chaos ("Waffle House at 2:00am").

• Veterans Day Promotions:

  • Red Lobster and Applebee’s free shrimp deals for veterans.
  • Fallon riffs:

    “Red Lobster said it’s the least we can do. Veterans are like, we agree. That is the least you can do.” (01:40)

• Military Recruitment Ads Satire:

  • Parody ads for Army, Marines, and a twist featuring "Newark Air Traffic Control."

    “Are you ready to take to the sky? … Then it’s time to strap in and join Newark Air Traffic Control.” (03:10)

• News Highlights:

  • A "major cold snap" hits the country, cueing classic Fallonesque weather jokes.
  • Trump floats a controversial "50-year mortgage" idea:

    “Home buyers said that’s long and people with student loans said that’s short.” (04:55) “Americans said, ‘Who’s going to stay in their house for 50 years?’” (05:00)

  • Pope Leo hosts a celebrity event at the Vatican—a supposed movie pitch to Judd Apatow.

• Business & Tech Jokes:

  • Target's new 10/4 smile-then-chat employee policy.
  • Apple’s $150 “pocket”—sarcastic warnings to parents of teen boys.

• Cuffing Season on the Streets:

  • Correspondent Mac and Hannah Berner engage New Yorkers on dating during the cold months in a mock-interview segment, blending street quizzes, comedic interviews, and meta-podcast humor.
  • Memorable exchange:

    Hannah Berner (posing as a street host): “Welcome to Red Flag, Green Light, the interview show where we ask toxic men their dating red flags while crossing a busy intersection blindfolded.” (06:52) Mac: “That's an insane premise. Also, I’m a good guy. I’m like, really close to my mom.” (06:59) Hannah Berner: “Red flag. That’s toxic as hell.” (07:03)

---

Veterans Day Tribute & Personal Thanks (08:09 - 09:25)

• Personal Acknowledgement
  • Fallon reiterates appreciation for veterans, notes his own father’s service:

    “Shout out to my dad, James Fallon Sr., who served in the Navy. I love you, Dad. Thank you for your service.” (08:27)

---

Interview: Miles Teller (09:44 - 15:47)

• SNL Hosting Experience:

  • Teller recounts his recent “Saturday Night Live” hosting duties.

    Miles Teller: “This time, yeah, I felt very—yeah, I did feel really comfortable...It’s amazing. Monday they start with a blank page and by Saturday, it’s up and running—a full show.” (10:26-10:37)

  • The honor of delivering "Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!" twice.

    Jimmy Fallon: “It’s the greatest thing.”
    Miles Teller: “It’s the coolest.” (11:09-11:10)

• Military Family & On-Screen Military Roles:

  “My grandfather was a very proud Marine ... My uncle, Silver Star in Vietnam, never talked about it ... towards the very end of his life, he started to share some stories.” (11:59) “It’s just something I take very seriously. ... Anything that can better educate you on the sacrifices that [service members] are making is pretty important.” (12:42)

• Basketball Superfan Moments:

  • Discusses famous courtside photo with Timothée Chalamet and Ben Stiller.
  • Recalls “icing my veins” celebrations, both at NBA and kids' basketball games.

    “These kids ... if they hit a shot, they’re going, ‘I’m him. Icing my veins.’” (13:27)

• About ‘Eternity’, the New Film:

  • Teller describes the premise:

    “When you pass away, you choose your eternity and you choose who you want to spend it with ... Lizzie Olsen and I are about 90 years old ... you realize her first husband’s been waiting 67 years ... turns into a love triangle competition in the afterlife.” (14:56-15:28) “I have to reprove to her why she loves me more.” (15:39)

---

Interview: Hannah Berner (16:11 - 23:38)

• Yearly Achievements:

  • Fallon recognizes Berner’s bestselling author status and comedy tour.

• Women in the FBI – Stand-Up-Style Riff:

  Hannah: “A lot of the FBI are older men. ... I’ve never lost something and thought, I’m going to call my dad ... I think we need more women in the FBI.” (17:07)

• Selling Out Carnegie Hall:

  • Berner shares her grandmother’s reaction:

    “My nana saw Frank Sinatra there back in the day ... Why is my granddaughter playing there?” (17:42-17:49)

• Backstage Confessions – Touring Blunders:

  • Admits to confusing tour cities, sharing a story of mistakenly shouting out the wrong city at a Buffalo show.

  • “It’s every performer’s nightmare to walk out and yell at the top of your lungs the wrong city. I have one job. You’ve done it.” (19:59)

• Dating Advice Segment:

  • Berner’s three tongue-in-cheek dating rules:

    “Don’t date a guy named Alec. If he can’t commit to a full name, he’s not going to commit to you.” (20:55) “Don’t date a guy that spells Jeff with a G. That’s not a real name. He’s conning you.” (21:07) “And don’t date a guy named ‘Will you?’ because he won’t.” (21:11)

  • Fallon and Teller play along, laughter ensues.

• Calf Contest: “Calf-Off” Live on Stage:

  • Hannah suggests a “calf-off” (calf muscle beauty pageant) between her and Jimmy.
    • Fallon: “Do it in front of the desk? All right, camera one…” (22:24)
    • Berner rips her stockings for dramatic effect:

      “This is like the Hulk.” (23:12)

    • Audience votes; Berner wins the calf-off.

      Fallon: “I think we have a winner. Hannah Berner, everyone. That’s a nice calf. That is a calf.” (23:31)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I thank you for all the sacrifices you have made fighting overseas while the rest of us are at home fighting over bear shaped cups at Starbucks.”
  — Jimmy Fallon (01:28)

• “I’ve never been stuck in a foxhole. However, one time my Uber driver picked me up in a Mini Cooper. That was—I’m in the front and back seat.”
  — Jimmy Fallon (01:32)

• “Are you ready to take to the sky? Can you handle nose dives, free falls and high G barrel rolls? Then it’s time to strap in and join Newark Air Traffic Control.”
  — Military recruitment parody (03:10)

• “Home buyers said that’s long and people with student loans said that’s short.”
  — Jimmy Fallon on 50-year mortgage (04:55)

• “To be given the opportunity to say, ‘Live from New York, it’s Saturday night’ ... it’s the coolest.”
  — Miles Teller (11:08, 11:10)

• “Anything that can better educate you on really the sacrifices that they’re making—I think that’s pretty important.”
  — Miles Teller on honoring veterans (12:42)

• “Don’t date a guy named Alec ... If he can’t commit to a full name, he’s not going to commit to you.”
  — Hannah Berner (20:55)

• “Why do you always make me do these ridiculous things?”
  — Jimmy Fallon during the calf-off (22:49)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Monologue & Veterans Jokes: 00:04 – 02:30
• Military Recruitment Parodies: 02:37 – 03:32
• Trump's 50-Year Mortgage Idea: 04:12 – 05:17
• Street Segment with Hannah Berner: 06:29 – 07:44
• Veterans Day Acknowledgement: 08:09 – 09:09
• Miles Teller Interview: 09:44 – 15:47
  • SNL Hosting: 10:00 – 11:10
  • Military Family/Top Gun: 11:41 – 12:53
  • NBA Superfan: 13:10 – 14:14
  • Eternity Film Details: 14:33 – 15:47
• Hannah Berner Interview: 16:11 – 23:38
  • FBI Joke: 16:54 – 17:24
  • Carnegie Hall: 17:36 – 17:50
  • Touring Blunders: 18:42 – 19:59
  • Calf-Off Challenge: 21:20 – 23:38

---

Episode Tone & Style

The episode is playful, self-aware, and inclusively witty, blending heart (Veterans Day gratitude and Teller’s family stories) with absurd antics (on-stage calf contest, street interview games). Fallon's rapid-fire delivery, celebrity banter, and Hannah Berner’s fearless oversharing drive home the high-energy, anything-goes nature the Tonight Show is celebrated for.

---

For listeners who missed it:
Expect a blend of warm tributes, topical zingers (Trump, Target, Apple), Hollywood insights (SNL backstage tales, new film “Eternity”), and off-the-cuff spectacle—a Tonight Show hour that shows off Jimmy Fallon at his most affable, and guest talents both at their funniest and most real.

Transcript

[Jimmy Fallon]

From Studio 6B in Rockefellers and in the heart of New York City, it's the Tonight show starring Jimmy Tallon. Tonight join Jim and his guest, Miles Keller. Hannah Burner. And featuring the legendary Ruth Curry. 2212. And now, here he is, Jimmy Fall. Come on. That's what I'm talking about. I love you. Thank you very.

Thank you very much.

Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself, everybody.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Tonight Show.

This is it. You're here, you guys.

It's Veterans Day, and tonight's audience is made up entirely of veterans, active military, and their families and friends.

Welcome to the show.

I thank you for all the sacrifices you have made fighting overseas while the rest of us are at home fighting over bear shaped cups at Starbucks. Thank you very much. Yeah, I've never been to a war zone. However, I have been to a Waffle House at 2:00am and that's, that's pretty real. I've never been stuck in a foxhole. However, one time my Uber driver picked me up in a Mini Cooper. That was, I'm in the front and back seat. I saw that. Today Red Lobster was offering free shrimp to all veterans. Red Lobster said it's the least we can do. When veterans are like, we agree. That is the least you can do. Meanwhile, Applebee's was offering veterans free Double Crunch shrimp. Now, I get what the first crunch is, but I'm not worried about that second crunch. Eating the finger or something. What am I, the shell? Is there bones and shrimp? And get this, Axie, you just heard that all the different military branches are debuting some new recruitment ads, and they're pretty interesting. Check out this first one.

[Military Recruitment Voice]

Are you willing to defend your country, to own the night, to be all you can be, then join the US Army?

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah, that's great.

Great.

Here's one from another branch.

[Military Recruitment Voice]

Will you be the first to fight? Can you improvise, adapt and overcome on both land and sea, then join the US Marine Corps?

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah.

[The Roots Member]

Incredible.

[Jimmy Fallon]

That's great.

All right, here's one more.

[Military Recruitment Voice]

Are you ready to take to the sky? Can you handle nose dives, free falls, and high G barrel rolls? Then it's time to strap in and join Newark Air Traffic Control.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Well, guys, right now the US Is getting hit with a major cold snap as temperatures dropped to record lows across the country. Yep, temperatures dropped fast in New York. Between the marathon last week and the temperatures, this week is a brutal time for nipples. Winter weather came fast today. One guy was like, I regret tearing off the wall of my house. Took the whole thing off. It Is so cold. In Washington, Trump's new ballroom shriveled up into the White House.

Ballroom.

[Miles Teller]

What?

[Jimmy Fallon]

Speaking of, last night, during an interview on Fox News, Trump said that the East Wing looked like hate before he demolished it. And if you remember Melania's Christmas decorations, he's right. I mean, it did more like a festive hell. But it was some more political news. I saw that Trump just floated the idea of a 50 year mortgage plan. Home buyers said that long and people with student loans said that short. Americans said, who's going to stay in their house for 50 years? And Trump was like, that reminds me of some other news. Switching gears, Pope Leo just announced his first celebrity event at the Vatican with a group of actors and directors including Spike Lee, Cate Blanchett and Judd Apatow. Oh, yeah, apparently. Apparently Pope Leo has a movie idea he wants to pitch to Judd Apatow. I see it. I watch it.

Yeah, I watch it.

Well, some business news. Target has a new 104 policy which requires employees within 10ft of customers to smile and wave and employees within four feet to start a conversation. Customers are like, what happens within one foot? Right now, every Target employee's goal is to stay at least 11ft away from customers. I don't get involved. Guys, see this? Apple is now selling a $150 pocket. Take a look at this.

Ooh.

So parents of teenage boys, beware.

Don't come in. Don't come in here. Ballroom.

150 bucks. Or for just two bucks, you could just shove it in a tube sock. No. No. And finally, guys, it's now cuffing season. That time of year when people look short term romantic partners to spend the colder months with. So we sent our correspondent Mac down to the plaza to see if New Yorkers are taking part in this trend. Let's see how it went.

[Correspondent Mac]

Hey, Jimmy. It's cuffing season, so I'm asking New Yorkers if they found that special someone or if the only couple in their life is a couple more glasses of wine. Let's go. Excuse me, sir.

[Hannah Berner]

Street quiz time.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Can you name all five boroughs in New York City?

[Correspondent Mac]

No, you know what? I'm actually doing my own man on the street thing here. So I'm sorry for your time. We'll just go find someone else.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Let's go.

[Correspondent Mac]

Okay, that was weird, but, oh, this woman looks perfect. Excuse me, miss, are you.

[Hannah Berner]

Welcome to Red Flag, Green Light, the interview show where we ask toxic men they're dating red flags while crossing a busy intersection blindfolded.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Okay.

[Correspondent Mac]

What? That's an Insane premise. Also, I'm a good guy. I'm like, really close to my mom.

[Hannah Berner]

Red flag. That's toxic as hell.

[Correspondent Mac]

Okay, so it seems like a lot of people down here are doing exactly what I'm doing. But it's okay. We're going to find somebody.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Okay. Okay.

[Miles Teller]

Smash.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Or past Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.

[Correspondent Mac]

That is so tough. What?

[Hannah Berner]

Hey, girl. What are you listening to? Oh.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Jacob elordi. Heavy breathing ASMR. How much do you pay in rent?

[Hannah Berner]

$16,000.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Can you take me to your apartment? Of course. No.

Bingo.

[Correspondent Mac]

Ma', am, I have a question for you. Are you.

[Hannah Berner]

What's up, betas? We're gonna watch this virgin eat a whole bag of Takis for 100 Robux.

[Correspondent Mac]

What?

[Jimmy Fallon]

How did you. No.

[Correspondent Mac]

Well, I guess my burning question will just have to wait for me and every other person shoving microphones in strangers faces.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Back to you, Jimmy. Hey. Well, thank you very much. We have a great show. Give it up for the Roots, ladies and gentlemen.

[The Roots Member]

Get up, read them on the paper Then I kiss my baby girl Let my lady know I'm born Till I save the world Jumping a hot rod will looking super thorough I'm rocking a long black cape on the duper girl.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Welcome to the show, everybody. Enjoy yourself.

Enjoy yourself.

Welcome to the show, everybody.

As I mentioned before, today is Veterans Day and tonight's audience is made up entirely of veterans, active military, their families and friends.

It's an honor to have you here. Thank you for your service.

Thank you to all the veterans watching at home and to all the veterans on our staff and crew. And also, shout out to my dad, James Fallon Sr. Who served in the Navy. I love you, dad. Thank you for your service, dad. My dad said that out of all the jimmies in late night, I'm in the top two. Anyway, it's because of all of you and your sacrifices that we get to do this show every single night. So thank you for being here. We're gonna have a fun show. You know him from giant movies like Whiplash and Top Maverick. He now stars in the new film Eternity, which is in theaters this Thanksgiving.

Miles Teller is here tonight.

She co hosts the podcast Giggly Squad. She's a bestselling author and very funny comedian. You can now see her on her none of My Business Stand up tour.

Hannah Berner is joining us. Hannah Burner, come on back. Our first guest is a very talented.

Actor who stars in the new film Eternity, which is in theaters this Thanksgiving. Please welcome Miles Teller.

Come on. Welcome back.

[The Roots Member]

Lovely.

[Miles Teller]

How are we Doing.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Welcome back to the show. You were just in the building. You were hosting Saturday Night Live last week.

[Miles Teller]

I was.

[Jimmy Fallon]

You were fantastic. You were a great host.

Appreciate.

Was your second time hosting?

Yeah.

Any less nervous the second time?

[Miles Teller]

Like, the first time, I swear, I just kept waiting for Lorne to bring me aside and say, hey, like, kid, you're gonna have to pick it up. We're going live here pretty soon. Yeah.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah.

[Miles Teller]

Honestly, this time. Yeah, I felt very. Yeah, I did feel really comfortable. The first, at least. Cause I knew what to expect a little bit. It's amazing. Monday, they start with a blank page.

[Jimmy Fallon]

That's correct.

[Miles Teller]

And by Saturday, it's up and running, a full show. The sets, the costumes. I mean, the wigs, everything.

[Jimmy Fallon]

But also, to get a host that does. There's a beginning of Saturday Night Live called the Cold Open collab. Because it's the first thing you see before they run the credits for the monologue.

Yeah.

You were in both times you hosted. You were in the Cold open. Why add that pressure to yourself? I love it.

[Miles Teller]

I love it. I don't know. I just. I'm such an SNL lifer. I think, as you know, to be given the opportunity to say, live from New York, it's Saturday night.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yes.

He got it.

Yes.

It's the greatest thing.

[Miles Teller]

It's the coolest.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Well, congrats. He did a great job. Great job on that. You work and.

[Miles Teller]

I guess now I have a Cuomo impression.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah, now. Now you do. Yeah.

[Miles Teller]

I never tried that until Wednesday.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Is that right?

[Miles Teller]

Yeah. You know, that's how it goes. You read it.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Wednesday, it's live tv, man.

[Miles Teller]

That's live tv, baby.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Right now, today is a Veterans Day, and our audience is full of veterans in the military. You guys are bad.

[Miles Teller]

Thank you.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Absolutely.

Are you the best?

You have.

[Miles Teller]

You have.

[Jimmy Fallon]

You have military in your family. But also you've played, obviously, Top Gun. I mean, you've played fantastic in that.

[Miles Teller]

You guys saw that little movie?

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah, yeah. Tiny little independent movie. Yeah, absolutely. What's your experience of getting to know service members? I'm sure people gave you tips on.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah, I mean, I have. Some of my closest friends are still active duty in different branches. My grandfather was a very proud Marine. He always wished he had spent kind of more time in the Marines. He really cherished those memories so much. My uncle, Silver Star in Vietnam, never talked about it. That generation often didn't. And then towards the very end of his life, he started to share some stories. But, yeah, I've been fortunate to have the honor to portray service men in some films. And it's just something I take very seriously. And I think it's important for people, people for civilians to in some way, whether it's through a movie or, you know, a book or anything that can better educate you on really the sacrifices that they're making. I think that's pretty, pretty darn important. Yeah.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Good for you. I'm glad you did that. Thanks for being here tonight. It's also a big show for us because we're following the NBA and I know that you're a basketball fan because I've seen you at games.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Fallon]

There's one photo that I just, I love of you. You're at a Knick game.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Knicks versus the Pacers. It's you.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Timothee Chalamet. You got Ben Stiller there. Yeah.

[Miles Teller]

And he's giving me the business a little bit.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah, he's looking right at you.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Fallon]

What happened? He just scored.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah. So McConnell. Now, to be fair, like I was filming a movie in New York, I'm not a Knicks fan. So I wasn't taking it as to heart, maybe as it's coming across in that photo. But yeah, so he's doing, you know, he just hit a three. I've got ice in my veins. And it's funny cause my wife and I, like a couple days before we went to our little nephew's 10 year old basketball game and these kids, they all have the sleeves on and they're hit, if they hit a shot, they're going, I'm him. I'm him. Icing my veins. And so Kelly, Kelly was just like, oh, he's doing what Bryden.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Does.

That's your wife.

[Miles Teller]

He said it's the other way around.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Fallon]

That's a pretty great. That's a pretty great photo.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah. I want to hang it up in my house. I think it's great.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah, yeah. You should frame it. In fact, we actually got it framed for you so you can hang it up. You actually can hang this up in your house. There you go. Ice in your veins, bud. Ice in your veins. Yeah, Yeah. I got to. I want to talk about Eternity because what a cool movie.

[Miles Teller]

It's the name of the film that I'm in.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I don't.

[Miles Teller]

We can talk about. Hey, whatever you want.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Let's get deep tonight. Let's talk about Eternity, man. Forever. Forever and ever. It is a. I want to say the premise is what really got me. Of course, it's an A24 movie who makes they make the coolest films out there, but it's almost like a Rod Serling type of Twilight Zone romantic comedy.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah. So it's called Eternity. The movie starts out, Lizzie Olsen and I are about 90 years old. We've been married a long time. And the premise is that when you pass away that you choose your eternity and you choose who you want to spend it with. And so, yeah, I'm excited for her and I to choose our eternity to spend together. And then you realize her first husband's been waiting 67 years. He passed away in the war.

[Jimmy Fallon]

So she has to choose who she wants to spend eternity with.

[Miles Teller]

Yeah. So it kind of turns into this.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah.

[Miles Teller]

A little bit of a love triangle competition in the afterlife.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah.

[Miles Teller]

Which. Who wants that?

[Jimmy Fallon]

No. Peaceful.

Yeah.

[Miles Teller]

I have to reprove to her why she loves me more.

[Jimmy Fallon]

It sounds. It's really great. It's very, very fun. It's very funny.

Miles Teller, Eternity is in theaters this Thanksgiving.

Stick around, everybody.

[The Roots Member]

Yeah. This is just a conversation. So I'm back with a special presentation. Like the Vodka me recreation. It ain't just good job, yo. One man that's minute. He ain't worth a penny.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Our next guest is the co host.

Of the very successful podcast Giggly Squad. She's a bestselling author and a very funny comedian. You can see her on the none of My business stand up tour. Everyone, please welcome Hannah.

Hannah Berner. Welcome back.

[Hannah Berner]

Thank you for having me.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Again.

How's everything going? How's everything? You've had a great year. Oh, my gosh.

Thank you.

You're a bestselling author. You're on a giant stand up tour now.

[Hannah Berner]

Thank you.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Called none of my business. What. What is. What's been on your. What's been on your mind? What's been on your mind? What are you thinking about?

[Hannah Berner]

The state of the world, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Okay.

Yeah.

[Hannah Berner]

I was the government. Think about the FBI. I have some notes about the FBI.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah, what are your notes?

[Hannah Berner]

I think I figured something out.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Okay.

[Hannah Berner]

A lot of the FBI are older men. And I was thinking how I've never lost something and thought, I'm gonna call my dad.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Right?

[Miles Teller]

Right.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah.

[Hannah Berner]

Like my dad once lost the remote on his chest and my mom could find the scissors in someone else's house. I think we need more women in the FBI.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Okay.

All right.

[The Roots Member]

Yeah. Okay.

[Hannah Berner]

So I think I fixed that.

[Jimmy Fallon]

You fix something right now. You could do that. Yeah. I want to talk to you about this past weekend. You sold out Carnegie hall, by the way.

[Hannah Berner]

That was crazy.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Hannah, as a Native New Yorker.

[Hannah Berner]

It's crazy.

[Jimmy Fallon]

What does that feel like?

[Hannah Berner]

My nana saw Frank Sinatra there back in the day, and she's like, I saw Frank there. Why is my granddaughter playing there?

[Miles Teller]

Why is she.

[Jimmy Fallon]

What does she do?

[Hannah Berner]

If you sell tickets, they'll let anyone perform there.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah. No, but would you get nervous when it's such a big deal, like Carnegie Hall?

[Hannah Berner]

I was definitely nervous, but I have a problem. Like, I wish I was shy. Do you wish you were shy?

[Jimmy Fallon]

No.

You wish.

[Hannah Berner]

Are there any shy people here? That's how they. Oh, you guys aren't shy.

[Jimmy Fallon]

No.

You're not that shy. The first part of it was shy people. They were like, I'm not raising my hand.

[Hannah Berner]

Yeah, me and you, we're outgoing. So I feel like, what's it like to not have to blurt out, like, every thought that comes in your head throughout the day?

[Jimmy Fallon]

That's a problem.

[Hannah Berner]

But that must be peaceful. Cause, like, what's it like to just listen to a story? Like, me and you, we'll talk over each other this whole time, of course. Like, what's it like to not walk around, just tell people you have a uti? Like, I wish.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh, my God.

[Hannah Berner]

So, I mean, you wouldn't know that, but I wish I was more quiet sometimes.

[Jimmy Fallon]

You were telling me backstage, and I thought this was funny, but when you're on tour and you're in a new city every night, it could get confusing remembering what city you're in. And actually, we found. We found footage.

[Hannah Berner]

I've never posted this.

[Jimmy Fallon]

No, this is great. This is a video of you walking out on stage for a show. What should we know before seeing.

[Hannah Berner]

Just that we're in Buffalo.

[Miles Teller]

Okay.

[Jimmy Fallon]

We're in Buffalo.

You are in Buffalo. Here's Hannah Berner.

What the. Buffalo. Alicia, Dustin. Buffalo Bill. Let's go.

That's a pivot. That's a pivot.

[Hannah Berner]

And if this doesn't make you want to come to one of my shows, you never know what's gonna happen. Jimmy, you're a performer. You know, the beginning of the show's, like, the most. You could lose them.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh, yeah. Immediately, I'm shocked that you didn't get booed right there.

[Hannah Berner]

Well, that's why I immediately just yelled, buffalo Bills. Cause I know the sports.

[Jimmy Fallon]

I was like, go, Bills.

Oh, my gosh.

[Hannah Berner]

I was so scared. And then I thought you could just, like, gaslight them and be like, oh. I said buffalo. You didn't hear that? But then I was like, sorry, guys, I messed up. And all the girls after were dming Me, like, I loved your show in Boston. It was so funny.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh, that's good.

[Hannah Berner]

But it's like I'm cancer with you. I feel like it's every performer's nightmare to walk out and yell at the top of your lungs, the wrong city. I have one job. You've done it.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh, yeah. It's rough. There's no recovering.

[Hannah Berner]

I was gonna say, how do you recover?

[Jimmy Fallon]

It takes 15 minutes to recover.

Yeah.

Eventually get over it. Especially if they're rivals or something.

Oh.

Or if you say you're at a school and their rival is the other school.

[Hannah Berner]

Like in Texas. I said Texans instead of, I think, like, another one. And I almost got stoned.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh, my God, stoned.

[Hannah Berner]

But look, the road is a hard life.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh, yeah.

It really is.

You do a great job on Giggly Squad.

[Hannah Berner]

Thank you.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Do people come up to you and ask you for advice on things or dating?

[Correspondent Mac]

It's funny.

[Hannah Berner]

People ask me dating advice. Cause I'm married. But, like, that doesn't mean I know anything. But I give advice. I have, like, three pieces of advice that are important, but this is good.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Let's hear it.

[Hannah Berner]

Okay. This is helpful for you.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Okay.

[Hannah Berner]

Don't date a guy named Alec.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Why?

[Hannah Berner]

If he can't commit to a full name, he's not gonna commit to you.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Okay. All right.

[Hannah Berner]

Don't date a guy that spells Jeff with a G. That's not a real name. He's conning you.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Okay.

What?

[Hannah Berner]

And don't date a guy named. Will you? Because he won't.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh, there you go.

[Miles Teller]

See?

[Jimmy Fallon]

Come on.

This is good. It's a very good piece of advice.

I'll take it. I'm not dating, but I'll take it. Now, I heard every time we come on, we always have fun. And I heard that this time you wanted to challenge me to a competition.

[Hannah Berner]

I thought you got. You do a lot of, like, competitions. Like, you've done lip sync offs and push up offs. And I thought, what about a calf off?

[Miles Teller]

No.

[Jimmy Fallon]

No. A calf off.

[Hannah Berner]

Well, I was thinking. I didn't. I don't think people even know if you have calves, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Fallon]

I guess people don't. They just see the desk.

[Hannah Berner]

I thought it was just a torso.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah.

[Hannah Berner]

So the way this works is it's like a calf beauty pageant where we show our calves and the audience decides whose calf they like better. Yeah. And. Oh, they really like that. It's a big calf audience.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Okay. No, they're not a big calf audience, but. Okay. So do I go first?

[Hannah Berner]

Yeah. Well, and also just, you know, in the streets, I am known for my calves. I was a Division 1 tennis player. But why don't you go first and you just kind of show us in the streets?

[Jimmy Fallon]

In the streets, you're known as having.

[Hannah Berner]

They say, hey, calf girl.

[Jimmy Fallon]

I don't even know what I would do. I do it in front of the deaf. Do I? This is. All right, camera one, what do I.

[Hannah Berner]

Camera one. Okay, so just give it a lift.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh. Oh, wow.

[Hannah Berner]

Now give us a little side turn. Let's. Other way, other way.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Whoa.

Why do you always make me do these ridiculous things?

[Hannah Berner]

Music made it worse. In a good way. This show's getting crazy.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Yeah, it's kind of getting nuts. All right. No, I think that's. That's the best I'm gonna do with my calf.

[Hannah Berner]

Well, I'm unfortunately wearing stockings, so I think I just need to give it a little rip, if that's okay.

[Jimmy Fallon]

I mean, it's up to you. It's yours.

[Hannah Berner]

I hope I can't rip it.

[Jimmy Fallon]

On the streets, you're.

[Hannah Berner]

This is like the Hulk.

[Jimmy Fallon]

Oh, my. Yes, like the Hulk. I have a feeling that you're.

Oh, my God. What? Are you kidding me? What are you talking about?

[Hannah Berner]

We're so stup.

[Jimmy Fallon]

I think we have a winner. Hannah Burner, everyone. That's a nice cap. That is a cap.

[Hannah Berner]

You're always a winner.

[Jimmy Fallon]

None of my business. Tour is now through March 2026. Stick around, everybody. Wow. My thanks to Miles Teller, Hannah Berner, and all of our veterans in the audience. Thank you very much. The Roots right there from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Thank you, Roots. Good night, everybody. Get involved. Better get involved. Get, get, get involved. Yeah. Get into it. Do it.

Thanks for listening to the Tonight show starring Jimmy Fallon. Don't forget to subscribe to get the latest episodes weekday mornings, wherever you get your podcast guests. Watch the Tonight show starring Jimmy Fallon, weeknights on NBC and streaming on Peacock.