131: Francisco Ramos: Robbed by a 7-Year-Old?! | The Wayback with Ryan Sickler #131

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Wayback with Ryan Sickler

Episode 131: Francisco Ramos: Robbed by a 7-Year-Old?!

Date: July 2, 2026
Guest: Francisco Ramos
Host: Ryan Sickler

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Episode Overview

This lively, nostalgia-fueled episode features comedian Francisco Ramos, who shares his comedic journey from Venezuela to Maryland, explores cultural transitions, and recounts wild childhood and adolescent memories—including the time he was robbed by a seven-year-old. With humor and candid conversation, Francisco and Ryan dive into the nuances of growing up in two different worlds, discovering stand-up, family stories, memorable parties, and brushes with danger.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Francisco's Stand-Up Career & Performing in Spanish

[00:22 - 02:23]

• Francisco introduces his first one-hour special, "Still Learning," focused on marriage and adulting misadventures. Available on all major platforms.
• Discusses touring in both English and Spanish. Performing stand-up in Spanish requires a different rhythm and more physicality.
  • "I've gotten... the hang of it. Most of my bits translate, but it's just a different rhythm." — Francisco [01:46]
  • "Rhythm is more... storytelling... so it takes longer to do." — Francisco [01:58]
• Francisco shares about a CBS diversity showcase, with an anecdote about being pushed to salsa dance due to his Latino background.

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2. Memories of Venezuela

[03:26 - 13:15]

• Francisco recalls his early childhood in Caracas, Venezuela (1981-1994), during prosperous national times.
• Both parents worked at Avon, where they met; his mother later became a pharmacist for an international health organization in D.C.
• Family dynamics: grew up middle class, with live-in maids (a norm in Venezuela).
  • "It's like normal. Like every middle class family has maids." — Francisco [10:52]
• First experiences with family discipline and cultural traditions:
  • "My mom... would wear those thick ass 80s belt like and that's what she would hit me with." — Francisco [09:19]
• Memories of his dad, who was considered "cooler than I thought" after his passing.

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3. Immigrating to the U.S. & Culture Shock

[13:15 - 17:08]

• The family moved to Maryland after his mother's job opportunity at the Pan American Health Organization in D.C.; she was selected from candidates across South America.
  • "It was like a thing that was meant to happen because it was like my dad just found it..." — Francisco [12:52]
• Adapting: Francisco didn’t speak English upon arrival, realizing the “English” learned in Venezuela didn’t prepare him.
  • "I thought my parents knew English... when I learned English, I'm like, this motherfucker's lied to me all the time." — Francisco [11:56]
• In Maryland, his father became the primary homemaker after sacrificing a successful business in Venezuela:
  • "He became Mr. Mom. He was the homemaker... he made the sacrifice." — Francisco [16:04]

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4. School Experiences: Venezuela vs. Maryland

[17:11 - 19:01]

• Describes Venezuelan school (San Juan Bosco): all-boys, grades 1–12 in one building; played soccer and dodgeball with all ages mixed.
• Notable differences when he transitioned to U.S. schooling (grade-appropriate classes, independent chores).

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5. Family Life and American Adolescence

[19:02 - 23:58]

• Adjusting to life without household help, Francisco recounts mowing the lawn, experiencing his first blizzard, and getting drunk as a teen.
  • "I drank like in an hour. Like, scotch, beer, vodka, wine and Bacardi 150." — Francisco [20:52]
• Emotional moment when his dad silently acknowledges his drunken state:
  • "He just looked at me... and then just closed the door. And... I started bawling because... I felt like, such a disappointment." — Francisco [22:54]

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6. Hilarious Coming-of-Age Stories

[23:58 - 26:41]

• First house robbery in the U.S.—family left with no lights on during Christmas, and got burglarized.
• Embarrassing story of being caught by his mom while masturbating in the family’s computer room:
  • "We locked eyes.... She never wanted to acknowledge it. She pretended that it wasn’t happening, but obviously, it happened." — Francisco [25:52]

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7. House Parties & Wild Nights

[26:41 - 32:14]

• Francisco and his sister co-hosted legendary house parties during high school and college, covering up evidence by cleaning carpets and refilling parents’ liquor bottles with water.
• Parties escalate in college to “Playboy Mansion”-style bashes with 100+ guests.
• Memorable New Year's in NYC: wild, unsuccessful attempts to hook up, ending in an absurd scene where two friends simultaneously suckle a girl’s breasts:
  • "They're both sucking on each titty... like a cow at the whisper." — Francisco [31:26]
  • "They had a threesome with her titties." — Ryan [32:01]

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8. Getting Mugged by a 7-Year-Old

[32:16 - 34:37]

• Francisco recounts being mugged as a child by a much younger kid in Venezuela:
  • "Two little kids come out... maybe like seven. And one sits next to me... he's like, 'Hey, I like your watch... Give it to me.'" — Francisco [33:13]
• He runs for safety, only to realize he abandoned his friend. The incident illuminated the reality of street life—even in good neighborhoods.

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9. Dealing with Danger & Street Smarts

[34:41 - 36:42]

• Reflections on growing up aware of personal safety, developing an internal "Spidey sense."
  • "It makes you also realize... Spider Man's instant thing... that guy seems kind of weird, let's move to this side." — Francisco [35:30]
• Discussion about violence, fighting as a youth, and maturity's effect on how they assess confrontations.

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10. Fighting, Fantasies, and Self-Protection

[36:43 - End]

• Ryan shares stories about fights and confesses outlandish safety fantasies, like trapping a would-be carjacker’s hand in the window and “carving initials.”
  • "I fantasize about... somebody coming at me where I'm in my car... they reach their hand in, I roll that window up... take my knife and the whole time just cutting it." — Ryan [39:07]
• The two joke about violence and how youthful aggression gives way to more cautious adulthood.
• Episode wraps with plugs for Francisco's special and tour.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Immigrating:
  "When we moved to Maryland…100% culture shock. I didn't speak English when I got here." — Francisco [11:33]

• On Dad's Sacrifice:
  "He became Mr. Mom. He was the homemaker…he made the sacrifice." — Francisco [16:04]

• On Being Robbed By a Kid:
  "They were like…two little kids come out…he's like, 'Hey, I like your watch.' …It's a seven year old but from the streets. So like it's a 17 year old." — Francisco [33:15]

• Party Mayhem:
  "They're both sucking on each titty...like a cow at the whisper." — Francisco [31:26]
  "They had a threesome with her titties." — Ryan [32:01]

• On Latino Stereotypes in Comedy:
  "Why are we hiring a salsa? But it sounds like they would make you do and stand up, though." — Ryan [02:48]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|----------------------------------------------------------| | 00:22–02:23 | Francisco’s special, touring, and performing in Spanish | | 07:04–13:15 | Growing up in Venezuela, family background | | 13:15–17:08 | Moving to the US, culture shock, parents' careers | | 19:02–23:58 | Life in Maryland, first party & drinking stories | | 23:58–26:41 | House break-in and embarrassing family incidents | | 26:41–32:14 | House parties, college stories, wild New Year’s | | 32:16–34:37 | Getting mugged by a 7-year-old in Venezuela | | 35:30–36:42 | Developing street smarts and “Spidey sense” | | 39:07–40:44 | Ryan’s wild protection fantasies, joking about violence |

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Final Thoughts

This episode is filled with laughs, sharp observations, and vulnerable moments, as Francisco Ramos traces his journey from Venezuelan childhood to American adulthood. Whether recounting being mugged by a child, legendary house parties, complicated parent dynamics, or adapting to new cultures, Francisco’s comedic storytelling and Ryan’s playful hosting create an entertaining, heartfelt ride through “The Wayback.”

For more, check out Francisco’s special "Still Learning" and follow him at @framoscomedy.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, baby, we gonna be here all day? We're gonna be here all day, baby. I like that kind of party.

[B]

Welcome back to the Way Back, everybody. Ryan Sickler here. Very excited to have this guest back here with us. First time. Ladies and gentlemen, Francisco Ramos.

[A]

Can't wait. Thank you for being here. I wanted to be in the Way Back.

[B]

Before we get into your stories. Right there. Plug everything you'd like, please.

[A]

Well, I have a special that's out right now. It's called story learning. My. My first one hour special where I talk about marriage. Learning about marriage. Learning about, you know, eating out. Learning about, well, eating.

[B]

You learn about it. I can't wait to hear the bit.

[A]

Eating out, like restaurants.

[B]

All right. Dining out.

[A]

Dining out.

[B]

Dining out.

[A]

Okay, so that's the. That's the word. Okay. Sorry, you can't say eating out.

[B]

Okay, you can, you can. You said to clarify, you want to eat out.

[A]

Yeah, okay, whatever. Well, you see, I'm still learning.

[B]

Yeah, that's pretty much perfect. That's what it's all about. What a plug for a special. Great. Where can they see that?

[A]

It's on all the platforms. Amazon Prime, Apple TV, YouTube TV. You know, you can go. Go to the. My Instagram F. Ramos comedy and you can click on the link and you can find all the information how to watch it.

[B]

And you're out on the road doing.

[A]

I'm on the road, yeah. I'm doing shows I'm. I'm going to do, you know, Dallas in July. July 12 and 13. I'm in Houston and I do in August 27 to 29 and then doing a full run of. In Florida, a lot of shows in Spanish. I'm doing standard.

[B]

Are you as well?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How do you find it? Translates.

[A]

It's, it's. I've gotten. I started doing it for like two years now where I've now got the hang of it. And it's. It. Most of my bits translate, you know, but it's just different rhythm.

[B]

Yeah, I imagine it's a different rhythm.

[A]

Rhythm is more. It's more like. Like what you do with your stand up is more like storytelling more. Like you gotta like, you can't be so. So like, like papa. It's gotta be like, you know, so it's like it. So it takes longer to do.

[B]

You find yourself doing more physical movements with your Spanish.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. More and more. Like, More like.

[B]

And then you got more shoulders.

[A]

This is what I do.

[B]

Y', all. Y' all love those shows, man. Y' all love those.

[A]

Which by the way if I took one time, I was doing this CBS showcase and this we had to do. They hire a choreographer to help us dance, salsa, whatever. And like. And are you. I'm like, I don't do it.

[B]

Well, hold on a second. Can I just pause here for a second? Yeah. You were doing a CBS diversity show. Stand up diversity showcase.

[A]

Yeah. Well, it wasn't stand up, was show, like sketches.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. All right. I was gonna say, why are we hiring a salsa? But it sounds like they would make you do and stand up, though. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised at all that. That was. It's a bunch of stand up comics that we're gonna salsa. Why are we salsa?

[A]

Because it's diversity. Because you're Latino.

[B]

So they're bringing this dude or this lady or.

[A]

Yeah, there was a dude. He's a. Now a friend of mine too. But like, he was like. But I remember, I was like, no, I know how to dance. And he's like, no, like, you don't move. Like when, you know, like dancers, they don't move. That's very. Like this. So the shoulders don't work. If I do this. It's like. It's like street dancing. It doesn't work. I'm a street dancer, you know?

[B]

Yeah, I can see.

[A]

Yeah, I go like. I go to the alleys and just street things.

[B]

Well, I always have special love for Maryland people. And you're obviously Venezuelan. You were born there, but you did grow up quite a bit in Maryland.

[A]

I'm a Maryland boy.

[B]

Yeah. So before we get into all that, I ask everybody if they've ever ridden in this way back seat. If so, who had it in your world?

[A]

And my dad had one of those. I don't know, 1960, 70, like Chevrolet. One of those like all, like two seaters that you did this stuff, you

[B]

know, three on the tree.

[A]

Three on the tree.

[B]

That's how he shifted, like. Yes. Automatic or shifting.

[A]

No, no, no, automatic.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But like with the thing right here and like this, it wasn't like. It wasn't the. The. The. The station wagon. It was more like the. The two. Like, the more. The cool one kind of like El Camino, something like that.

[B]

I was gonna ask you if it was an El Camino.

[A]

Yeah, it was like an El Camino. Yeah, it was. Yeah, I was like that.

[B]

So it' bed in the back, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But in Maryland, at least in the 80s, it had to be registered as a truck.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yep. And the plate. I'm pretty sure the plate would even Say truck at the bottom of it. Titling and registering vehicle. A light truck.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because.

[B]

Because it's got a bed. That's literally it. Because you can. You have the. The ability to haul. You know what I mean? So also, it costs more money to do that. That's why, if you really want to know the real reasons. Because they get more money, of course.

[A]

Well, was. But we remember you used to drive and you had to sit, you know, and then. And then. And then we also had the. This lady who had the Wagoneer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she would pick up, and she was like. She was like a butch lesbian. But back then, you know, she was just.

[B]

She was just saying.

[A]

She was just.

[B]

Man t. A janice, bro.

[A]

And she had the thing. She had the. And she's like, yeah, get in, get in. And now. But she had the thing that. Because she had, like, a ponytail. But she had that, you know, that headband. The headband. No, no, but the, like, was the. The Sarah Connor from Terminator, you know, when she had that. Yeah, something like that, you know, But. But the lady was more butch, so

[B]

she just got the rolled up bandana.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But, yeah, I remember she used to wear a lot of, like, jean jackets and, you know, a lot of, like, Alaska, you know. No.

[B]

And where is this? What state is this? Venezuela.

[A]

Venezuela.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She would pick us up and, like, I don't know.

[B]

Where are you going? School.

[A]

The school.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So she just, like a lady that would pick up some of the kids and take them to school. This is what Andrew Santino said. Yeah.

[A]

She was a transportation.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, because we didn't have a script. And she would let us sit there and, like. And another.

[B]

How many kids are in this thing?

[A]

Like, eight.

[B]

Eight of them.

[A]

You know, you put people in there.

[B]

Yeah. Hell, yeah. You're piling them and no one's buckling.

[A]

And she would make us. Sometimes she would help. She would, like. You would get a turn to shift. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, that was the whole, like, thing. Like, if you listen.

[B]

That was awesome. Back in the day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you were sitting. Next turn. You got to do that anytime anyone.

[A]

Like, you have to be like the. Like, either. Like the cool. Like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everybody had a turn. So you would get pissed if you didn't get a turn. Yeah. I mean, not. It's funny because now everything's about safety. Not safety at all, but it's all push button now. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. So the first 12 year. 12 years of your life are in Venezuela.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, let's Talk about that because we have yet to have a Venezuelan guest on here. Yeah. What's it like growing up in Venezuela?

[A]

It was.

[B]

I mean, for you, you know, where are you in the suburbs?

[A]

In some. Like in the city, you know, kind of like in the capital, you know, like in the east of. Of Caracas. That's where I used to grow up.

[B]

And what years are these? You're there.

[A]

I mean, I was born in 81.

[B]

92, 3 to 94.

[A]

That's when I moved. So like from 81 to 94, which were the good times where Venezuela was doing well. Yeah, it was like. Actually, people move in South America moved to Venezuela during the 80s because it was the best country or one of the best countries doing well, so.

[B]

And what did your parents do in Venezuela?

[A]

My mom, she used to work. She was a pharmacist, but then she worked with Avon Brands and then.

[B]

Or Avon over there. Yeah.

[A]

God damn. That's how my mom and my. There it is. That's how they met.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like in Avon?

[B]

No, no, your dad worked at Avon

[A]

too, but in the corporate. Corporate side. They're both.

[B]

She was like a sales lady.

[A]

No, she was the pharmaceutical because, you know, they used to make like.

[B]

She was a lady making the.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in the like the court, like the. Not. Not like the Avon lady where you used to go to the.

[B]

No, but I mean the lady who's

[A]

actually putting the makeup together.

[B]

Damn, dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's how they met, huh?

[A]

That's how they met.

[B]

Yeah. All right. And who's the other child in this photo?

[A]

That's my sister.

[B]

How old? How old your sister?

[A]

She's two and a half years older than me, bro.

[B]

What the are you dressed in right there? I just. That's. That's you for sure. Huh? What is t.

[A]

What the is that, dude? That's the. That's the little shirt, bro. That's my puffy shirt.

[B]

It's your puffy shirt.

[A]

Look at the shoulder. This is why you always like. I guess I told my mom, like, why the cuz this a wedding. But like.

[B]

Hold on a second. Who's wedding? I don't remember. Right. All right, so let's look at dad first. Let's zoom it up on dad. Dad's a sharp looking dude. Wire glass, bow tie buttoned up. He fucking looking great. Mom too. Mom's got the shortcut. Maybe that was a thing back then.

[A]

That was 80s.

[B]

Is this just like. Did your mom dress like this?

[A]

She would. She would wear. I don't know if you can see it there. But she also would wear those thick ass 80s belt like and that's what she would hit me with.

[B]

Oh, that's what you're getting your ass beat.

[A]

The fat one with the fat ones. I see. This is my first communion. This is you.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Look at that. Look at.

[B]

They love some on your neck.

[A]

My dad used to make me wear those same, you know, FL frames as that which I always look like. I look like a, like a 40

[B]

year old getting to buy one. Get one.

[A]

Yeah. Look at this.

[B]

You got the father son combo here at the store.

[A]

And I had to wear the little, the little strings too in the, in the.

[B]

Look at mom's colors are popping here. Like it's a bold choice that blue at a communion.

[A]

Yeah, that's and that. But that was the thing they would wear.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

But they would make us wear like, you know, like old. I don't know. That probably is one of my shirts.

[B]

Kirsten, zoom in on that. Dad's right pinky. Is that a pinky ring right there?

[A]

It is a pinky, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My dad was, he was. He's funny because I don't know if after my dad passed away that's when I realized, oh, my dad was cooler than I thought. You know, like going back and then telling, you know, friends that tell you like, oh, your dad was cool as.

[B]

Tell us about your grandma over there.

[A]

She was.

[B]

And whose mom is this?

[A]

That was my mom's, you know, so I grew up mostly with her because both of my parents used to work so my mom was always working so she would always leave us either with my grandma or with the maids because over there it's not like you have to be rich to have a mate.

[B]

Everybody, right?

[A]

Everybody has mates.

[B]

Oh, is that right?

[A]

Yeah, it's like normal. Like every middle class family has maids. So like and the mates like would live with us, you know, like and you know, and she actually had.

[B]

Are they cooking? And they were cooking everything.

[A]

Like I remember like.

[B]

So they're not just cleaning?

[A]

No, they're doing everything. Like I used. I remember I never even had to like even pick up the plates after I was done eating, you know, like that's how it was.

[B]

Like that's crazy cuz my mom was throwing them at us. We're not clean. I.

[A]

But that was like. But then when we moved to, to Maryland I was like, oh, we had to do everything ourselves because we have it made there. So.

[B]

Yeah, you're old enough to remember 12 to move to Maryland. So Is that a culture shock when you get here?

[A]

100%.

[B]

Do you speak English when you get here?

[A]

No, cuz over there, first of all, we, you know, they teach you English in school over there, but it's like Spanish here, you know, like one where you don't really don't learn anything. Also, I thought my parents knew English because they would be like, when I was in Venezuela, like, oh, my parents, they know English because they would speak like. And then when I learned English, I'm like, this motherfucker's lied to me all the time. It's horrible.

[B]

They don't know.

[A]

They don't know. They were like, like nothing. I think they were making stuff up. I'm like, but yeah, so moving was very tough because it's not just moving,

[B]

you know, just why here and why Maryland?

[A]

Because my mom. So this was an interesting story. So apparently this is my, my dad one time was like, what reading the newspaper and the classifies. You see this little thing, little like article that says about like, hey, they're hiring a pharmacist for this job in the Pan American Health organization in Washington D.C. you know, and like, he read it and he's like, he had like all the qualifications that my mom had. So he's like, hey, you should apply to this. And she's like, nah, she kind of forgot about it. And then he's like, hey, you should apply it again. So she applied, not thinking it was going to happen. Then she got the call for the first interview. This was. They were hiring somebody not from just Venezuela, but from all South America.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

So like she had to go then to Argentina for the interview and. And she got it. So it was like a thing that was meant to happen because it was like my dad just found it and you know, so that's why. So she got the job and, and they hold my parents, they're like, we want to do it. So it was a two year contract. So then for me and my sister would learn English, you know, do.

[B]

Does dad move within Avon to America

[A]

or does he have to get a new job? Yeah, so at that point, well, my dad, after that he moved to Merck and then he built his own company. He actually had his own company, which he would distribute medical products, you know, for medical, you know, products or labs and hospitals.

[B]

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[A]

business he was doing really well. I think he would have stayed in Venezuela that business would have really grown. But my dad made the sacrifice to moved here and I always tell people he became the Mr. Mom. He was the oh is that right? Because and I now I would love to because he it Was like, typical, you know.

[B]

You know, but he was the homemaker.

[A]

Well, he was a homemaker and like. And he. So I remember those being, you know, he had to like, started cooking and picking us up and all this stuff because. And I remember that was pretty tough probably on him, you know, being like, you know, having his own business and having his own thing and now he has to like do all this stuff. But it was. But he did it. He. He sacrifice. And then he started to look for jobs. I remember he worked at a DSDW warehouse. He used to work there. He worked in. And then he used to work with my. One of my mom's cousins in an architecture business, you know, doing like demonstrate. He did all this stuff, but mainly to kind of like support us as my mom was the breadwinner, I guess.

[B]

This. Oh, this is what this is.

[A]

This is in. In Venezuela.

[B]

Is. This is your school here?

[A]

This is my school. It's called Dombosco San Juan Bosco.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Which is funny. Like, I'm. I'm still friends with all these guys.

[B]

Are you.

[A]

You know, and. And the one in the middle over there is like, he's. Yeah, he actually went to my.

[B]

What are you all holding? Are they lollipops? Flowers? What the hell are they?

[A]

I don't even know. I think this is like cheerleading for guys. Oh. But it's an all boys school, so I don't know what we're doing there. I really don't know what this is.

[B]

F. And is it different ages? Because the dress. Because I'm seeing blue shorts, but white shorts here.

[A]

I think those are maybe like higher grade, bigger kids.

[B]

And you said this was a kindergarten through 12, this school pretty much from.

[A]

Yeah. First grade to like seniors all in one school.

[B]

And you're seeing seniors in the hallway.

[A]

Yeah, just walking.

[B]

That's weird.

[A]

Yeah, it is weird. It doesn't make sense, you know, like, we're dealing with men and little kids.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and. But yeah, this is a. So this is. Yeah, that's. That's the place.

[B]

Wow. That's your soccer field.

[A]

That's it. It was like they play soccer. Like. Like footballito. It's like. Like cement soccer. Like with a little ball. So it's like they used to play that. And that's also where I used to. We did. They used to do the Dutch ball tournaments.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's where I remember I was one of the fastest kids in my class. And with time we had to play dodgeball. They had a whole school dodgeball tournament. But it Was crazy.

[B]

Whole school so an 18 year old kid could go on a 6 year

[A]

old and that's what happened. I remember I used to.

[B]

What. I was.

[A]

I was the last kid and I remember I got beat up. Oh, that's where my. I had my first communion.

[B]

This is your church or that's part of the school? No, that's the chapel at the school.

[A]

Yeah, they had the church there and they had the.

[B]

What year is this? Why is everybody in masks?

[A]

Well, like this. Is this occur.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I was just curious if you all did that back then. I was like. We were ahead of the curve. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But. Yeah.

[B]

All right, so then what school do you go to? What's your first school in Maryland?

[A]

St. Jane the Channel.

[B]

And this is what middle school for you.

[A]

So this is sixth grade till. Yeah, eighth grade. Yes.

[B]

All right, so this was not six to 12. This is normal.

[A]

This was like how they. How it should be.

[B]

All right, let's go check out your old house in Maryland. One of them at least.

[A]

Yeah, you got that six six A05 Renita Lane.

[B]

Let's see this. This is in Bethesda.

[A]

In Bethesda, which was like.

[B]

So Mom's working in D.C. and you guys live just outside of D.C. yeah, 30 minutes.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Because they. They made us choose between Maryland and Virginia and maybe.

[B]

Oh, they did?

[A]

Well, they give us the option and they might.

[B]

Mom go Maryland. I don't.

[A]

I think they just like. I don't know.

[B]

That's very Maryland.

[A]

Yeah, right. I used to moan all that long.

[B]

You did that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pushing or riding?

[A]

No pushing. I was like nuts. I remember they had that big snowstorm, that blizzard one time and we had to walk to the. To Giant. To the Giant supermarket.

[B]

Hell yeah. I go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Every time I go home when I visit my. The cemetery, my dad, my grandmother are. There's a Giant grocery store right by it. Yeah. So I always go. And because they're by the cemetery, they got the nice plastic cones. You know, you put the flowers. So I go there every time and get my set up.

[A]

And that's the time also the first time I really got really drunk here at this house. Well, not at this, but where I came back after being really drunk and because it was this whole night we were going to party in D.C. it was like I was like 16 or 17 and I got like. And I like this girl. So I thought I was gonna get hooked up with her, you know, Hooked up with her and I just, I went to this pre, pre gaming and I drank like in an hour. Like, scotch, beer, vodka, wine and bacorti. 150.

[B]

Jesus. In an hour?

[A]

Yeah. And so then.

[B]

Oh, you're done. You're done.

[A]

And then we were like, all right, let's go. And then I got out. I get in the back of my friend's car who's a Toyota Eclipse, you know, and it was like that. And then we drove. And I remember, I.

[B]

That's when I was like, mitsubishi Eclipse.

[A]

Mitsubishi Eclipse, that's right.

[B]

That's a tiny ass car.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It was like a 90. Put like a 95 or 96.

[B]

My friend's mother had one.

[A]

Yeah. And he didn't.

[B]

Got broadsided by a dump truck on her way to work. Oh, I don't remember what it was. She had a slip and fall at work.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And they said, well, you have to go to physical therapy. On her way to physical therapy, a dump truck, no brakes, broad size, or she in a Mitsubishi Eclipse, she luckily lives, and then she gets to sue the store. The lawyer's like, oh, well, if you didn't fall, you wouldn't have been going that way. So we're gonna go get that dump truck company. We're gonna get the store. I was like, good for you.

[A]

All nice.

[B]

That's good. Yeah.

[A]

Well, I'm gonna get that.

[B]

So what happens when you just get wasted?

[A]

Yeah, so, like, I got wasted and then, like, I just had flashbacks and like, I used. My sister was friends with the club guys, so, like, they would let us in. We're like 17. And they were. But, like, I remember showing up and they were like, herman. They're like, we can't let him in. He's completely.

[B]

You're. Yeah.

[A]

So then I remember coming back. I remember going to our house here in Bethesda, and I get to the. To the bathroom and I'm like, just completely. You know when you're fucked up and you're looking yourself in the mirror and like that. And then I see my. My dad opening the door, and I think he's just going to yell at me, like, go crazy. And he just looked at me and. And you know how much fucked up I was that he just went like this. He's like. And then just close the door. And when he was closing the door, I was. I started bawling because he was just such a. Like, at this, I felt like, such a disappointment. I was like, he never. Like, I was never going to gr.

[B]

Inside the house.

[A]

That was. Well, I don't know. That bathroom wasn't like that.

[B]

Somebody remodeled this.

[A]

Yeah, somebody did that. Yeah, we used to. It was here.

[B]

See, you got the yard, though. If you were drunk with us. We're just. If it's. Especially if it's summer and the weather's all right. We're just putting you on your lawn. Just letting you lay on the lawn. Just sit gently pulling you out and sliding you over by that tree. Just letting you lay there. You know what I mean? Nothing wrong with that. It's 80 degrees in Maryland at night. You're fine. Just lay there and sleep at all.

[A]

By the way, I remember too, this the first time we. We also got robbed in that house. Somebody came in and while you were there. No, we left. I think one. One Christmas we went to New York. But I think my parents, you know, they were like. Well, in the US Nothing happens. You can be. You know, so they left the house and with no lights on.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So. And then when. And then they. It was like, get. Probably kids. They stole, like, the tv, like downstairs in the living. Like, you know, the VHS or whatever. It was just dumb.

[B]

Valuable.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, but remember that was. That happened once. Yeah.

[B]

Tell me. You said you. You got caught by your mom.

[A]

Yes, I got caught. What people call masturbating. And in. In. In the vernacular world, but. But yes, this was in that house. No, that was in the Rockville House, which I. 9 Learner Court, Rockville.

[B]

Okay, wait, I know my addresses. Well done.

[A]

Yeah. And that's the. Where she was. So we had the computer room.

[B]

You know, J. D. Was just on here. And he pointed out his computer room. He said that's his first m. Ever was in the computer.

[A]

The computer room. Where else? They were in laptops back then. They're in phones. So I remember, you know, I was. Oh, there it is.

[B]

Where's that computer room you're jerking?

[A]

It was like, right over there. Bottom. Bottom.

[B]

Right down here.

[A]

Yeah, right there. Yeah, that's where it was. Yeah. Yeah. That's where we also used to party. We did parties here. House parties here.

[B]

Oh, we'll come back.

[A]

Yeah. So I was doing my thing, and then

[B]

daytime. Is it night?

[A]

Night? Not daytime? No. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Back then when you were horny all day long. And I'm just saying you don't know when the house is gonna be. You can get it. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Well, this wasn't empty, but I thought

[B]

my parents plenty of. Of nuts out during the daytime with the sun up, bro. Plenty of.

[A]

No, of course, of course. But this was a nighttime gig.

[B]

This is a manual Nocturnal emission. Okay, okay.

[A]

And. And I remember like cuz I closed the door and. And then all of a sudden like my mom opened and she didn't caught me like in the moment, like it was like. I don't know if I was like, I. I slowly kind of like did. But we saw like, she's like, we locked eyes.

[B]

You did.

[A]

We locked eyes.

[B]

It's not like she saw. You're like mom. And, and her hands definitely on your dick.

[A]

And she kind of. And, and she's like what do you and she like go to sleep? And I was like okay. But it was obvious that we both.

[B]

What's on the screen?

[A]

That she said no, she never, I, she, she never wanted to. Like, you know, we. She pretended that it wasn't happening, but obviously it happened. It's the same thing that at the same house they caught me when they found my, you know, some condoms once. And my. And I was like, oh, they're my friends.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And my mom's like, well tell your friend. You know, like I'm like, come on, Raw dogs.

[B]

Way better. That's what we do,

[A]

Right? Is it is sometimes.

[B]

Tell me about New Year's Eve and some house parties. Talk about those.

[A]

Right? So. Well, we did. Remember we did a house party in that house.

[B]

In that house, yeah.

[A]

Where.

[B]

And are you and your sister in on it together?

[A]

Yeah, we did it. We organized it together. We did it. We, great party. We like. We even drank my parents alcohol like from the bar and then we filled it up with water, you know, like the vodka thing. And then. But one thing we had, we actually had to like. We went to again Giant and rented a machine to like to clean the steam, the carpet, all that stuff. But then we also had some. This is later on in college, we had parties and my friends, they were both roommates living together at this house which was like kind of like a little mansion and but this, they were rented from like this old Indian lady and she wouldn't, was never there. So every time she would like leave. We just threw like parties there. But it was like it became like a movie like party. Like we did it three times. We called the Playboy Mansion. And the first time we did it was like kind of like 20, 30 people. The second time was like more like 40, 50. And the third time it went like 150 people. Like people were like, remember like people were like, we're like, we had to hire. We had to have one of our friends who was like kind of big be like our security. And there were people Showing up. We didn't know who the they were. Like, the cops showed up. It was like. But remember we had this point where we saw each other because we organized it because I was like the dj, you know, and we saw each other. Yeah, like. Like we did this. Yeah, yeah. It was like. Like, it was like, where are mom

[B]

and dad when you're doing the one at your house together? Are they on vacation?

[A]

They travel, they said.

[B]

All right, so there's no chance of them coming home that night or anything. And your neighbors aren't ratting you out? Are they in on it? Their kids? Do you have like, kids in the area that are.

[A]

No, no, they never wrecked it out. You know, it was like we never. We never got caught in terms of like, the cops came. I mean, for the other one in the. Not for the one in the house. Yeah, they want. The house was more like local friends and stuff like that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then. And then the New Year's Eve, that's when we. Me and my two friends, those same guys that were living in the Playboy Mansion, we went to New York for one of those New Year's even for New Year's Eve. And we bought tickets to one of like, parties in New York. You can all drinks inclusive, whatever, which. So we get to the place and you have to do a huge line to drink. And it was like from like 10 to 12. They're not giving us drinks. So my.

[B]

You gotta wait.

[A]

You gotta wait, you know, you know the scam. And my friend, like one that once the bartender was like, throw like looking somewhere. He grabbed the fucking bottle and we just took it and we just started drinking our. Our own. Remember one of my friends wanted to like, make out like with some girl like in for like New Year's when. You know, for the. When midnight strikes. And like, he was just like running around the club like, sir, like following this girl. And this girl's like, no. He was like, just like sprinting around, sprinting around to find it. But we were like. So we were all drunk and like at 2 in the morning, 3 in the morning, we're like, nothing happened. We wanted to kind of like get laid. Nothing happened. And then we. I don't know, we were like. We met this three. Three other girls that were like, also at the end kind of like. And we're like, hey, you want to go to our place or to our. Where we're staying? And they say, yeah. So we went and. And then. So now we're in our. Is a studio apartment in New York. We're making out like I'm in the. In the sofa. So I'm making out with like the hottest girl of the group, which it was not. You know? You know what I mean?

[B]

There's a one, two, and a three. And you got three.

[A]

All right. Yeah. And then my other two. And then so I'm like. So I'm making out like this. And then all that shoulders you love because she was on top of me. And so I'm making.

[B]

I don't know if I've ever. I've never thrown my shoulders into a makeup. You gotta throw. I'm missing out.

[A]

It's good. It's good. It gives a little touch. So like, I. And then there was this other girl. She said she was like a virgin, so she never want to do anything. And there was this other one who my friends. I remember. I. So I'm like this. I look around, I turn and I see my two friends, like one next to each other of the girls, just sucking each.

[B]

She's going back and forth.

[A]

No, no, she. No that. So they're both sucking on each titty like.

[B]

Like a cow at the whisper.

[A]

Oh, okay, okay. Sorry. I feel this. I just fell. A girl in the basement. I'm going like, hey, she's going to listen to me. I got this hole.

[B]

Is. There's a girl sitting there and she's got one dude on each titty.

[A]

On each titty.

[B]

Like.

[A]

Like it felt like they were both like. Like. You know how you see like a cow? Like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like. Like when they're like feeding.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's. And I'm like. And I go like that. I'm like, what the is happening? And I was just like. And they're both sucking on it.

[B]

They had a threesome with her titties.

[A]

Yeah. Threesome with her titties. Yes. Because. And then, you know, and then we both. And then with one room, so we both. We all had to kind of like. Kind of like take turns, you know, for the room, you know, But. But it was a good time. It was a good.

[B]

Sounds like it.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Tell me about getting mugged.

[A]

So my guy, my best friend, who I. We used to go to, you know, I took my grandma's beach house and all that stuff.

[B]

And this is Venezuela.

[A]

Venezuela. So we're, I guess probably like 9 years old or 10 years old, and he came over one afternoon after school and there was like a little local like, carnival kind of thing next. Close to where we. Where I used to live. So we're like, let's go. So the mate Texas me and, and my, my. My friend. And we're like in this little ride. Oh yeah. You see this are like. That was. That was like little kindergarten, you know. But I'm still friends with the two in the front. Right.

[B]

There was a uniform.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Suspenders. Yeah, it was. That's an interesting choice. Yeah, that's an interesting choice anyway. But I guess it covers up most of your body. Everyone looks the same.

[A]

I guess if you get pee yourself, you know.

[B]

I didn't think about the piss.

[A]

You don't let. Right,

[B]

okay, sorry.

[A]

So we went and they were like. So we sit in this little like one of those like things that just do like a turn, you know, like. So I said in one and my friend is in the. In the back, you know. And then also in this. Two little kids come out like they're younger than us. Like we were like maybe like nine. These kids are like seven. And one sits next to me and one six next to my other friends. And he's like, hey, I like your watch. And I'm like, oh, okay. He's like, yeah, it's like, give it to me. And I'm like, how old? See, like seven.

[B]

Younger, Younger.

[A]

But I. But, but, but he had, you know, it's a seven year old but from the streets. So like it's a 17 year old. Yeah, he had an attitude.

[B]

You know, it's already been laid.

[A]

Yeah, this is like he already had two kids, been divorced. So I got right away, I got scared and. And just instant reaction. I push this kid and I. And I ran and I ran towards where the arme was. And I'm like, it's like, oh, they're, they're. They're stealing. They're Robin us. They're Robin us. And they're like, where's your friend? And I was like, I forgot about him. You just left his ass. I forgot like five minutes later he comes back, he comes out with all the hairs all. I was like, what the. You left me. I was like, sorry, man.

[B]

Is Venice is rough like that there or was that just an incident that happened to me?

[A]

No, it, it was, it was rough. That was from where we were. That was, you know, not. It, it wouldn't. It just doesn't happen where we were living. But like.

[B]

But yeah, so you were in a good area.

[A]

In a good area. But yeah, but.

[B]

And he's taking that watch and going back to that bad area.

[A]

Of course, of course. But yeah, no, that was like. I mean it was. You would know. You Grew up with like, hey, be careful the things happens. But like, but it was never. But I, but I was like my first experience of like getting robbed.

[B]

But I mean, but when you realize that there are other human beings out there that don't give a. About your life.

[A]

Oh no.

[B]

I'll punch a stab.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh my gosh. It's different out here.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it, it. And I guess it makes you grow

[B]

up because like what makes you see things. Well, you better, you better see it quick.

[A]

But it makes you also realize like, which I, I always call like this Spider Man's instant thing where I'm, I'm always like that, that, that guy seems kind of weird. Like, hey, you know, like let's move to this side of the street. You know, like we were out front

[B]

talking and that guy right next to me and I looked at. Yeah. I was like, yeah, let's keep an eye on this 100.

[A]

Like we're both right here. Yeah, we both knew this.

[B]

I'm looking.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But I mean I'm looking for someone to start some where the two of us could stop. Somebody rightfully, rightfully stop. You know what I mean? Like, I got a lot of pent up aggression that I would love to take out on somebody, but I'm scared.

[A]

Don't you? I'm, I'm like when you scared. Because the times that I, I've been in few fights, but I like when I've been in fights, you know, I go like, I go nuts. You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, I've been in a lot of fights. Well, you have to, you gotta, you gotta turn a. You know, a.

[A]

But is it better to, Better to

[B]

walk away in your 40s and your 50s and your 30s? No, you're still fist fighting. Yeah, but what I'm also, I worry about like you punch a guy and then, and then he falls and hits his head and he dies. And honestly. Yeah, I think about that kind of all the time.

[A]

Going to now in prison.

[B]

Yeah, now I'm going to prison and people are gonna me up.

[A]

Oh yeah, they're gonna me. Yeah, they're gonna me up. They're gonna me. That's the thing. I couldn't. I'm like, I can. Yeah, that's true. Like, that's why I like, I wouldn't do it but like, but when I was little I used to go like, like, like, like just snap. Like what the. Like one time I ripped my friend's shirt like that. I was like, what the. Like just Crazy like Hulk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and that's. I was like, ah, maybe I shouldn't be fighting because, you know, you could go like, I don't want to kill somebody.

[B]

Yeah, like that.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Accidentally kill somebody.

[A]

Yeah, you did.

[B]

No, you think I'll be sitting here. It was accident, you know, he's long enough. You don't think about now. You'd have known about. Yeah, but it was essentially or unintentionally killed somebody. Dude.

[A]

I don't know, man, but it probably happened.

[B]

We used to know this kid. I would. He was crazy. He. Okay, so we played. My brother and I tried out for these soccer. It was in Maryland. We tried out for a soccer team that was like a development. There were a bunch of these called Teams usa And they were development squads for the, you know, the. Ultimately the World cup team. So we made one and we went to Europe for a month.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

So we met this guy there. I think he was from North Carolina. He was on our team, though. But his move was to punch people in the throat. You know, we're fucking 16. That was his move. And I was like, it would work, you know what I mean? He goes, no, man, they're talking shit. And you just go for that throat. He's like, I don't go for the nose or the jaw. I go straight up in that throat. Because as soon as your windpipe hurts, even if it's not crushed, you just. You know what I mean? And then he them up like, dude, you're gonna kill somebody like that. He said there was a party where a guy was talking. He smacked this girl. No one's doing anything. And he said he had nothing to do with any. He just walked right up casually and then shot right in the guy's throat and just crushed his windpipe and shut him down. I'm like, wow, you're definitely gonna kill somebody like that. But it would. That would work.

[A]

That would work.

[B]

It works.

[A]

Yeah, that's a good move. But.

[B]

It is a good move.

[A]

But. Yeah, but. Yeah, but that. You could put that like. But it's the thing. It's like not this, but like if somebody falls and hits their head.

[B]

Yeah, I'm just pepper spraying now. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. You got pepper spray?

[B]

Yeah, Fuck yeah, I got pepper spray. A knife. I got all of it in my car.

[A]

Some other shit just for like a. Like a. Like a small wood.

[B]

You know what I fantasize about not. This is a non sexual fantasy. Somebody coming at me where I'm in my car, safe as me. My daughter's not in there. They reach their hand in. I roll that window up and they got a good. Not just a hand, I got like maybe about here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I start driving with them. But I also take my knife and the whole time just cutting it. Initials in it. Yeah. Running, hanging by, just waiting. I'm going slow.

[A]

Sl.

[B]

Sl. He's going to want to get that hand out of there. That's what little. That's one of my fantasies in tr.

[A]

That's a very like. You play. You think about this a lot. I mean that's a lot.

[B]

Let somebody reach in this.

[A]

God. Which is kind of like I already

[B]

got the window goes up right away. And now I got them. And I'm like, scare him a little bit. Look at him. Then I reach right over here in the console. I see. Let them see me flip the blade up. I'm right handed. I'm holding the wheel with the left. I'm perfectly fine. And I'm just going.

[A]

And then you just. And then let him go on the street.

[B]

Now you let him go. Oh, he trying to kill me. No, we're gonna stab, stab, stab for a while. All right, Then maybe we'll. I got a feeling the window's gonna break at some point with the weight coming, just hanging off of it. That's what I mean. And he rolls out.

[A]

I'm just saying. Is this like Sopranos when he gets almost killed?

[B]

He ran over with it.

[A]

Is that what I'm saying?

[B]

Now you just drag, you know, you drag. Sooner or later your arm's gonna rip. You're gonna get pulled under that back tire.

[A]

That's true. And oh, you went.

[B]

I thought about it. Yeah. And boom, boom. And then just straight to the police station.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Here's his blood. I got DNA samples. He's back there on the road.

[A]

This is like also like the violent shorts claim.

[B]

He my up.

[A]

You have thought this through the T.

[B]

This is like God forbid it ever happens. My insurance company, we saw this clip and we are not covered any of this. It's a setup. Dude. Thank you for doing this, man. That was a lot of fun.

[A]

This is so much fun, man. Thank you for having me.

[B]

Of course. I really appreciate it. You got to come back and do the honeydew again and tell them again right there. Plug everything you'd like, please.

[A]

Remember, come watch my special right now called Still Learning in all platforms. Amazon Prime, Apple TV, YouTube TV. Go to my Instagram F. Ramos comedy. You can click on the link right there or my website, francisco eramos.com and just come and come see me live because I'm doing new material. I'm not doing the material that I'm doing the in the show. So come through. Thank you.

[B]

All right, brother. Thank you. As always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. We'll talk to you all next week. I.