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- [00:02]
Steve Simone
Hey, baby.
- [00:03]
Ryan Sickler
We're gonna be here all day. We're gonna be here all day, baby. I like that kind of party. Welcome back to the Way Back. I am Ryan Sickler. Ryan Sickler on all your social media. I want to start this episode like I start them all by saying thank you. Thank you for supporting everything and anything I do. You guys are the best. And if you want to help this show out, the show's been. You guys seem to really be digging it. It's doing great. I would love it if you go over to Apple and give it a five star review. Help. Starting to get a little traction over there. Let everybody know what's up. All right, now this is a guest here.
- [00:38]
Steve Simone
I'm.
- [00:38]
Ryan Sickler
I'm sitting in the Way Back with today that I couldn't wait to get on this show. It is made for him. When I just even started thinking of this concept, I'm like, this is the dude that can't wait to sit in the seat with. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Steve Simone, everybody. Welcome to the Way Back, buddy. It's so good to see you. It's the best human Prozac. I love it. Haven't seen you since Tampa.
- [01:01]
Steve Simone
Yeah, that was awesome.
- [01:02]
Ryan Sickler
We had great shows in town.
- [01:03]
Steve Simone
So much fun.
- [01:04]
Ryan Sickler
Yeah. You were saying before we recorded. So you literally have babies in your audience.
- [01:08]
Steve Simone
Yep. And. But my favorite are the old people.
- [01:10]
Ryan Sickler
Yeah.
- [01:10]
Steve Simone
Because, like, I'll do all ages shows because that's like one of the ways I try to sell tickets because these clubs are like, we're not moving tickets. I'm like, make it all ages. And they're like, what? I'm like, let's do an early show all ages. And it's usually families that come out because comedy is so popular now. Little kids love it. But when I do all ages in.
- [01:27]
Ryan Sickler
Florida, is it working?
- [01:29]
Steve Simone
Oh, yeah. But it's usually senior citizens. And that's my demo. Like, grandma's. They're like, he's adorable.
- [01:35]
Ryan Sickler
Listen, man, I say all the time, there's. I just have such a soft, warm spot in my soul for old ladies who love sports and play cards.
- [01:45]
Steve Simone
They're the best.
- [01:45]
Ryan Sickler
I just. That's my grandmom and her sisters talking shit, you know? And each one of them was a different lady. Like, my grandmom walked the line of hey, proper. And like, I know when to let loose a little bit. Aunt Marguerite was smoking and dropping.
- [02:00]
Steve Simone
Watch this, Ryan.
- [02:02]
Ryan Sickler
He cheats. I'm like, oh, they're so different.
- [02:04]
Steve Simone
My grand. My dad's mom was. Marguerite was her name. She was a complete. Everything she said and did was hilarious.
- [02:10]
Ryan Sickler
Yes, everything.
- [02:11]
Steve Simone
She was so different from my mom, who was the. I had an Irish grandmom and an Italian grandmom and my Irish grandmom was. She moved in with us when I was 10.
- [02:20]
Ryan Sickler
Had same. Yeah, we'll talk. Go ahead.
- [02:21]
Steve Simone
Oh, dude. It was just. But the best was like we would do family dinners and you know, some people just have funny bones. My gram just had funny bones. And she would say things completely inappropriate, like to an 11 year old mind, like, yes. I remember once, like, okay, so it's me, my three brothers, my parents. Thank God. I grew up in a house where most of the time we did family dinners around the table together, right? And it was always like, what's Graham going to say? Right? And I remember like, I'm 11, maybe 12 years old and she's mad about something and my dad's like, bob, what's the problem? She goes, I think it's a disgrace. And we're all like, what? I think it's a disgrace. Mimi had to trim her own bush. And we're like, guys, keep it down. It's not funny. Your mother shouldn't have to trim her bush. My older brother, like, he was, and he's just. What do you mean? She had a trimmer bush by the back door. And he's like, Mimi's bush was covering the back door. Yeah. She had to take out the clippers and trim it herself. You would think Russ would help it, but it was three young men in this house. I can't believe your mother had died. And he's like, died. And my big brother said, what's her bush big? Please. I cut my eye going in the back door. Dying, die, dying.
- [03:38]
Ryan Sickler
So my grandmom and her sister, Aunt Marguerite was the one. So then there was another. There was, I think there were a total of. Of 12 brothers and sisters and maybe 2D at birth. You know, back then she was the one of the sisters, like I said, smoke, you know, talk shit. I just used to love to talk to her because everything was sarcastic and funny. She was always bringing heat. Always bringing heat. Like if you said something she, you know, it was a smart ass comment. I don't know why this one stands out my head. But one of their siblings had passed away and we're driving the Aspen station wagon that we have, that was her daughter's wedding limo, okay? It's been passed on to us. Now my dad's driving it. And then it becomes my brother and my first car to learn.
- [04:23]
Steve Simone
That's awesome.
- [04:24]
Ryan Sickler
So we're like 14 and we're all going to. It's my. My brother and I are 14. My brother Todd's probably 10, 11. And my dad's driving. My little brother's in the way back. Yeah, we got Aunt Marguerite up front here. We got my brother, my grandma in the middle, me, perfect little brother in the way back. And we're driving to Tyrone, Pennsylvania to go to their. One of their siblings funerals. And we're not sure where we got to go. So there's a map. You remember, you got to use a map.
- [04:55]
Steve Simone
Paper maps.
- [04:56]
Ryan Sickler
We're going on a map. And there's so much in this glove compartment that Aunt Marguerite, My dad's like, get the map out of the glove compartment. Aunt Marguerite's, by the way, smoking in the car. No one else smokes but her. You know what I mean? But two bad. We all are smoking now. You know what I mean?
- [05:11]
Steve Simone
Nobody knew about secondhand smoke.
- [05:13]
Ryan Sickler
She just. We're on the highways. You can't roll windows down on the highway like that. She just smoking, got the cigarette hanging her lips. And she opens that glove compartment. There's so much in there. She just goes, jesus Christ, you need a map to find something in here. And I started laughing just like it was that non stop, you know what I mean? Cigarette. But meant it.
- [05:33]
Steve Simone
100.
- [05:33]
Ryan Sickler
Didn't even try to be funny.
- [05:35]
Steve Simone
That's who they were. Real characters.
- [05:38]
Ryan Sickler
Funny. And then when I had to move in with them after my grandmom died, my aunt Marguerite takes me and my own grandmom's sister takes me.
- [05:44]
Steve Simone
Awesome.
- [05:45]
Ryan Sickler
And she's raising her grandkids. She's got them. And I got so close with. I learned to play pinochle again. We would play pinochle every night, just nickel and dime. Pinochle.
- [05:55]
Steve Simone
Yep.
- [05:55]
Ryan Sickler
And she'd sit there and smoke and she would tell me, watch this, Ryan. I bet she's got a card under his leg now. And he would. He would. She knew how everybody cheated. She's like, timmy's a cheater, Ryan. This son of a bitch is a cheater.
- [06:07]
Steve Simone
Yeah, I totally forgot pinochle even existed. And I remember my grandfather smoking a cigar, just shuffling the car. Ready in.
- [06:15]
Ryan Sickler
Yeah. So there's three brothers, right? You're. You're the middle brother.
- [06:19]
Steve Simone
Y.
- [06:19]
Ryan Sickler
And you grew up sharing a room all the time. Oh, here we go. Here are the Samoan boys.
- [06:23]
Steve Simone
How did you guys find that?
- [06:26]
Ryan Sickler
I do some research.
- [06:28]
Steve Simone
Whenever I see that picture, I just. I think of that Calypso drum sound the steel drums for Jay Z. Because I'm a pimp.
- [06:37]
Ryan Sickler
Yeah. My grandmom used to come over and my brother and I, we would push our twin beds together and she would lay in the middle with us the best. And we, we would never sleep. We like grandma tell us stories. And my grandma, I didn't realize back then what my grandmother was doing was improv. She's just making up stories to make.
- [06:58]
Steve Simone
That's where you probably get it from.
- [06:59]
Ryan Sickler
And she's just, you know, making up whatever story she can and, and just making us die hard laughing. And my mom was, would yell, get quiet up there. And we're like, fuck that man. It's grandma's here. You know. And then as we got older, we used to, when we were able to drive, we'd go to her place or we'd be dropped off for the summer. And she had a bed, she'd lay in the middle and my brothers would lay on either side of her. And then I would take the foot of the bed like the dog. That's my spot. And we used to sit there and ask her questions and she would tell us stories and we would laugh till our fucking stomach ripped open. And I will never forget just. She lived on 1111 Elm Road.
- [07:36]
Steve Simone
Wow.
- [07:36]
Ryan Sickler
Right off of 95. And I used to love the. Some hot summer night just hearing those trucks roll down the interstate. Man, I love that. Yeah. Just that's where I really do believe. I get it. Like she was just telling us it was non stop funny.
- [07:50]
Steve Simone
Yeah.
- [07:51]
Ryan Sickler
Even when was terrible and sad, they were just still at their core.
- [07:55]
Steve Simone
They were funny people because I think they needed to be because we don't realize how privileged we are from the lives we have. But I remember my grandmother, she was like, you don't know what the depression was like. They lived through that. They lived through World War II. They built this country and they worked hard and they laughed. And I'm a big believer in this. I think it's my grandmother's prayers that have sustained me through life. Like, I really do believe that. I think grandmothers are just, they're the best people, dude. They're just better.
- [08:25]
Ryan Sickler
You'll love this because this is hits the Comedy Store home. You know what's really scary? Lying awake at 2am Thinking about that one time in high school. You really blew it. Or that awkward family reunion. We've all been there. Mind racing, tossing, turning. You might not be able to turn off your brain, but at least you can have a great mattress. And that's where Ghostbed comes in. They're true sleep Pros with over 20 years of experience and more than 60,000 five star reviews. Each mattress is made right here in the USA with premium materials that are truly built to last. They just introduced their brand new collection where you can choose from the Comfort signature or Luxe mattresses. Each available as either all foam or hybrid. Each includes Ghostbed's exclusive pro core support layer which gives you ergonomic zoned comfort that keeps your spine aligned. The real mvp, the patented cooling technology in their Luxe mattress which they've dubbed the coolest bed in the world. The top layer is five times cooler than their starter model, plus it's stacked with gel memory foam. And they're PA patented Ghost Ice technology. You also get 101 night sleep trial, free shipping and a 20 to 25 year warranty. Right now Ghostbed is hooking Wayback listeners up with an extra 10 off. Just head to ghostbed.com wayback and use code WAYBACK at checkout. That's ghostbed.com wayback promo code WAYBACK Sleep better. No time machine required. So Sam Kinison, we were, we were in love with Rodney Dangerfield special and Rob.
- [10:00]
Steve Simone
That was like those young comedian specials were dice everybody. Oh my gosh.
- [10:06]
Ryan Sickler
And Kinnison's coming on and you know, he's outrageously loud and yelling. And if you haven't seen Sam Kinison, even if even today it's still something you haven't really seen in comedy. A little bit of Bobcat was a little bit out there early on, but Kinison had this. And my grandmother was always one of those, like, she loved Johnny Carson, loved Carson. And my, she would always tell us. My grandfather was like, I'm not watching this. I'm going to bed. She's like, you're going to miss Carnac. This guy's funny. And then one night my grandfather stayed up. She's like fell in love with him. And then that was their thing. They would watch the Tonight show together back then. There's like two channels, right?
- [10:43]
Steve Simone
But dude, I watch old Carson's now.
- [10:45]
Ryan Sickler
Oh, they're so good. He was funny as. So Kinison comes on hbo. My brothers and I are watching and we know we're not supposed to be watching this in front of grandma, but she's like. And she would do that thing like.
- [10:57]
Steve Simone
Your grandma was there.
- [10:58]
Ryan Sickler
Grandma's sitting there, we put it on. Like, you know we're doing that. So we put Kinison on and she's just sitting there rocking her Chair. And you know, he starts in that voice like this. So it's fine for a minute. And then he starts doing with the yelling. And she just sitting there because he's not yelling crazy cusses and stuff yet.
- [11:15]
Steve Simone
Marlboro. Marlboro.
- [11:17]
Ryan Sickler
He's just. Yeah, yeah, Sand. This is sand.
- [11:19]
Steve Simone
I still took one of the greatest bits of all time.
- [11:21]
Ryan Sickler
It's sad. You know what? It's going to be sad. So she's just like, who is this guy? She's saying us, right? She's like, just turn this. She's saying. And we're like, no, grandma, we like this. And you could tell she doesn't really. You know what I mean? Like just. And then he starts doing the bit where his girlfriend's telling him to her harder. And he's talking about driving. He's back in the car until he's like, harder.
- [11:43]
Steve Simone
Get one harder.
- [11:44]
Ryan Sickler
We look over my grand. My grandmother's pissing herself. She is pissing herself but doing this. Turn it off. No. You know, and loving every bit of Sam Kittison's wild ass because we're dying. And she had this laugh, man. She would do this laugh that got you laughing in a way. Like I have a weird laugh. My grandmother would start. It was like a. It was like a. Like an engine. She'd go. And then we're like, oh, that's how you do. Like get her, get her. Because if she got there, we could get her to peer. But she would be like. She go, yeah. And then just like. And lose it. Like, we would try to put our knee on her neck and make her. You know what I mean? Like, you want to keep going for that?
- [12:28]
Steve Simone
Yeah. Killed my mama. She'd start to shake. She'd try to hold in the laugh like she was embarrassed. And then she'd go. And she had those big Hulk Hogan blubbery arms with like a dap cloth. Like Biggie Small because she was always cooking the vaccination scar right here because.
- [12:47]
Ryan Sickler
They had to get those back.
- [12:50]
Steve Simone
Who knows what's in this?
- [12:53]
Ryan Sickler
So funny. We would try to kill her if she started laughing.
- [12:56]
Steve Simone
Dude, I tried to kill my. My dad still talks about. He tried to kill me. Yeah, it sucked. Cuz like was always laughs at the dinner table. Always laughs. And then, because my big brother was the funniest, and then I would just take what he did and add more energy to it. And I remember once my dad got up from the table and he's dies choking, laughing. And I'm following. He goes outside, right? So I opened the door to keep the laug laughs going. And then he locked. He, he, he bolt, like, holding the door closed so I don't come out. So that I came out the side door and I came up behind. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die, like, on the front lawn.
- [13:37]
Ryan Sickler
That was the best when you got somebody when you weren't supposed to. Like, if you looked over your brother in, like, church or something. Oh, the back and then the tight shoulders. Once I saw your shoulders going, I.
- [13:47]
Steve Simone
Was like, that's it.
- [13:48]
Ryan Sickler
You're done, bro. You're done.
- [13:50]
Steve Simone
It's like, you'll see your tag and.
- [13:51]
Ryan Sickler
You'Re like, o. I'm bringing everything I got, right? Yeah, yeah. This is my grandma's house. This is, unfortunately, the house we had to move in after all the. But that 11:11 right there, I've seen that. You've seen that in my home because that's actually the newer one. If you. I don't know if you can zoom in super close, but you'll see the old mark from the one. Yeah, you can. There it is right there. See it below? So one night I went home years ago, and this was my grandmom's home. You know, this was it. We lived here. And then that was my father's room, upper right, the two windows. And then my twin brother Derek stayed in there. This was my room over here to the left. This room was so small, I would. I had a chest of drawers and a twin bed, and I'd have to turn sideways just to get in between the two. This is where I lived. I didn't. I told you, I didn't have a twin bed until. I mean. Excuse me. I had a twin bed until I was like 22. When I moved back here after college, for a second I lived in the basement. And my aunt Patty was like, you have a twin bed? I'm like, yeah. And she. That. I was telling you, she bought me a full size, not a queen. I would. She's surprised. But I'm like, if you'd have just told me, I'd have kicked $100.
- [15:06]
Steve Simone
We could have enjoyed ourselves. Patty. This was so close to being a.
- [15:11]
Ryan Sickler
Gift, but this was the house here. And so one night I go back and I get wasted, and I have a buddy of mine driving a jeep. And he's got one of those old school military shovels in the back. Remember that thing?
- [15:24]
Steve Simone
Yeah.
- [15:24]
Ryan Sickler
Surplus store had a pickaxe.
- [15:26]
Steve Simone
Yeah, it was a weapon.
- [15:27]
Ryan Sickler
Yeah, he's got one in the back. And I said, Let me get that pick out of there. Take the sign off, dude. Steve. I went up, I put. There was people living there at the time I put up. It's like 2:30 in the morning.
- [15:40]
Steve Simone
I'm Spider Man.
- [15:41]
Ryan Sickler
I'm Spider man. On the wall. Like, that thing was in there from, like World War II rebar, you know what I mean? From the 40s.
- [15:48]
Steve Simone
How'd you get it out?
- [15:49]
Ryan Sickler
I was put. Took that pickaxe and I. I'm telling you, if you could have seen a picture of me. I was suspended off the ground. I had my feet on the brick with the pickaxe like this, like, Spider Man. I was going.
- [15:59]
Steve Simone
The power.
- [16:00]
Ryan Sickler
And I could feel it start to get loose. And I was like, yeah, come on, pop. Pop that off. And ran. To this day. You'll see it when you come over. I got it up in my place. It's one of my daughter's favorite things. That's like our. That's like our little. You know, all the teams touch something. That's our little. Touch it for good luck. You can see it on Lefty's Son even. Yeah.
- [16:16]
Steve Simone
You know, you should do. You should go back and buy that house. Like, my dream has always been to be able to buy the house that I grew up in and turn it into a studio like this. Because I know if I was in those walls, the stories would come back.
- [16:28]
Ryan Sickler
Oh, yeah, man. Yeah. That was low. Our beauty spot.
- [16:31]
Steve Simone
You can still see there's still love in that house. Like, whenever I see a house and there's kids toys and stuff piled up in front, like, that's how you know there's love in there.
- [16:39]
Ryan Sickler
All right, so you guys, you have. You're the middle child. Your brother is. You said, not even a full year older.
- [16:45]
Steve Simone
Yeah. So my older brother's three years old, but my younger brother Mark, we're Irish twins. We're 51 weeks apart. 51 weeks, exactly. So we celebrate Brother week every year where we're the same age for a week. And honestly, I know this sounds crazy, but my first memory is being a baby and them lowering my infant little brother into the crib next to me. And I remember just thinking, here comes my buddy. Look at that kid.
- [17:17]
Ryan Sickler
That kid looks scared to death of that little bit. Baby being loaded. Here comes my buddy.
- [17:22]
Steve Simone
Chubsy. Upsy.
- [17:24]
Ryan Sickler
What kind of games? Like, I've talked about this before on. Because I share a bed bedroom with a brother at the same. We're the same age. So puberty's this. You know what I mean? Like, Everything's within the. The same sort of span of everything.
- [17:37]
Steve Simone
Yep.
- [17:38]
Ryan Sickler
Probably for you guys as well, within a year, but we're within months probably. And he used to do like. Brothers are disgusting. I've told the story. But I would be laying there at night and I'd be falling asleep and I would just feel, you know, stuff hit me and I'm like, what the is that? And I'm like, what are you doing? And I hear him dying, laughing. I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, I'm rolling my boogies up. And he's. He's nailing me with him too.
- [18:02]
Steve Simone
Like, you see the accuracy of a.
- [18:04]
Ryan Sickler
Brother in the dark, bro, help me. I feel it. That's why he's laughing, because he's starting to see a reaction. Like, oh. He's like, oh, I'm hitting them. Like back left that. Yeah, look, I got grass stains on my pants and my. That's our family living, dude.
- [18:24]
Steve Simone
I totally forgot. Always grass stains, holes in the knees.
- [18:28]
Ryan Sickler
Yeah, dude. My favorite game we would do at night, this is when we were young too, was called Todd. That was my younger brother Todd laying there in that picture on the bottom. And he had his own rooms. He's just about four years younger than us. And. And we would lay there and we would just go. It's be like 11:00 at night. We'd be like, todd. He'd be like, what? And then we would say nothing. And then we go, Todd. He'd go, what? And then we're dying, like we're not saying anything. And we just keep acting like we can't hear him. We're going, todd. And then he emphatically go, what? And then we like, Todd, you go, what? Eventually. And my mother. But you guys better get to sleep up there. And then he'd be like, they're saying my name. It's the favorite. I'd still laugh so hard. They're saying my name.
- [19:14]
Steve Simone
You could just ignore it. But we have that little kid.
- [19:17]
Ryan Sickler
That's what it turned on to us. Like, he's too young to understand that he could just ignore us. So as soon as it settles, Todd.
- [19:27]
Steve Simone
He'S like, it would be rude not to respond.
- [19:29]
Ryan Sickler
And he's like, what? And then my brother and I are you right now. We are dying at our beds. He can't hear us. We're like, oh, God, you do the next one. And then he would do it.
- [19:38]
Steve Simone
He'd be like, Todd.
- [19:39]
Ryan Sickler
He'd be to do the teak like that. My Mother.
- [19:43]
Steve Simone
Damn it.
- [19:43]
Ryan Sickler
I'm gonna come up there. Mom, they're saying my name. She would come up, flip the lights on both of us, like, the best. She's like, I know you're calling his name. They're saying my name. And she's like, ignore. That's when she's like, ignore him. But he can't. At the date, she'd go downstairs, he'd be like. He'd like, what? Like, right away, dude. For the love that driving him nuts.
- [20:02]
Steve Simone
I remember the thing that I loved most when me and Marky shared a bedroom together. The only thing we could do not get in trouble would be whisper talk back and forth. Because I remember, here's the door to the room. Here's my twin bed. Then there was a window with a desk right here. And he really used it because he was, like, a smart kid. You know, I just set up army men and, like, I never study anything. And his. So it was bed, desk, bed. And, like, you know, you're playing games. You're 6, 5, 6, 7 years old, and you're doing, like, the floors lava and jumping from bed to bed. Just try not to touch. My dad would just pound on, like, knock it off in there. So after he'd keep on coming into the room like, I'll crack her. We're like, all right. So the only thing we could do not get in trouble is whisper talk back and forth. And the funniest thing, like, I think back to it now, is that my little brother loved the conversation so much that he would never be like, good night. I'll talk to you tomorrow. He'd keep on talking until he fell asleep.
- [21:04]
Ryan Sickler
So, like, saying the weird stuff like.
- [21:07]
Steve Simone
Like, the joke I have is that he did. He sounded like a cowboy that got shot at the end of a movie. Because he be like, ah, that's awesome. Trying so hard to stay awake. Like, that's awesome. Like, I remember when my first concert ever was, my dad took me to go see Van Halen, and we don't get home till, like, 11. We left early. My dad took a we. I never stayed for a full concert, sporting event, nothing.
- [21:35]
Ryan Sickler
Oh, no.
- [21:36]
Steve Simone
He would always want to beat the traffic. Like when we were really little, I remember he took us to a baseball game. He's like, buddies. If we leave now, we might be able to watch ourselves on tv. Like, there's no shot. Like, really, let's get in the car. We can get Burger King on the way home. We're like Panama. But I remember coming home from the Van Halen concert. My little brother's trying so hard to stay awake. And he's like, don't wake up your brother. And I get into the room and he's just like, was it awesome? I go, yeah. And he's like, did you get me anything? And I have a T shirt yet. I go, I got you a T shirt. He's like, ah, that's awesome. And as he's falling asleep, he goes like this. He goes, did Alex Van Halen light his gun on fire? Because the only thing you knew was from rock and roll this Alex went out and I go, no, he didn't light it on fire. And he was like, I bet it was still awesome like that. We had those conversations every night what he would do because he was really a smart kid. And remember, he would stretch himself out in the bed str like to try to like this. And I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm going to be tall. Tall. And he would fall asleep doing affirmations going, I'm gonna be tall. He would say, I'm gonna be tall, dude. No lie. The last time we were the same height, I was maybe nine years old because we used to. We were able to brush our teeth in the same mirror because he kept on just getting taller than me. Taller than me. It worked. I should have. He was, he was all ahead of like, Tony. He was like a 9 year old Tony Robbins. He's got affirmations on his mirror. Conceive it, believe it, achieve it.
- [23:36]
Ryan Sickler
Memories. Dude. We were such big wrestling fans.
- [23:38]
Steve Simone
The greatest.
- [23:39]
Ryan Sickler
And my brother and I have our side by side beds and one night we're doing the, you know, we're just British bulldog. I've got him in a headlock. I'm like, all right, we're gonna start on my bed and then we're gonna jump over to your bed in the air. We're gonna clear the gap and then I'll ddt you.
- [23:55]
Steve Simone
Let's do it.
- [23:56]
Ryan Sickler
I mean, I'll. I'll bulldog you on that one over there. And he's like, let's do it. And you know, my mom is not. My mom was an aggressive lady. Yep, we jump across the beds and we make it. But my knee, when my knee hits the bed, it just. For whatever reason, the cushion of it just made my knee like propel forward a little bit, bro. Right through the wall. We were both like, like, what? You know that we're going to jail. We're going to jail panic. Yeah. We're both like, what? Do we do?
- [24:24]
Steve Simone
Yeah.
- [24:24]
Ryan Sickler
Now we're on the same team. And I'm just like. He's a. Like, you got to tell her. I'm like, I'm not. Yeah, it was mine because so I knew it was my knee. So we were told. We. We didn't know how to fix it, but we were told you had to cut the thing out. So we cut the thing square. We're like sixth grade, probably seventh grade. We cut the thing out in a nice square. And then we never did. It was perfect square. It was right next to my brother's bed right here. And in February, that wind would come hustling through that thing.
- [24:52]
Steve Simone
Take a ghost.
- [24:57]
Ryan Sickler
I also remember you're telling me about affirmations. So again, we're going through puberty within the same sort of time. And one night, my brother's laying next to me. It's pitch black, dark. And we had been quiet for a minute. I didn't. Wasn't even sure he was still awake. I'm just about out and I hear him go, oh, cool, I have anal hairs. I started laughing so hard. First of all, by the way, I didn't even know we were supposed to get anal hairs.
- [25:25]
Steve Simone
I don't know. I was supposed to check number two.
- [25:27]
Ryan Sickler
He'S over there playing with his anal hairs. Dude. I was like, what? Went to school the next day and told every. To this day, like, my middle school buddies that still know, I'm like, cool, I got anal hairs. They still say, digging in your asshole over there next to me.
- [25:44]
Steve Simone
Isn't it funny how, like, people remember stuff? Like, I remember my little brother when he got his first BB gun. He stole one of my mom's tomatoes. And he's showing all the kids in the neighborhood his new beat. He was like Homer Simpson when he got a pistol. He's like, look at my gun. You will respect me, right? So, and he goes, oh, you don't think so? And he pulls out a tomato and he goes, I would turn this tomato into tomato sauce. And then everybody just called him sauce from that sauce.
- [26:10]
Ryan Sickler
That's not a bad name.
- [26:11]
Steve Simone
Great name. But the funniest thing about the wrestling is I remember this vividly. And you know, with stand up, you kind of combine stories to give it course. But they would show live pro wrestling from the Philadelphia Spectrum. It's the greatest memories. Like between live pro wrestling comedy specials, my family, we're always in front of the TV having laughs. We were there eating or watching tv, having laughs, you know, like, we weren't like an outdoorsy family sport. Now. We would just. Let's eat and laugh, right? So I remember my little brother. He would always fall asleep before me. And that was it. I hated being awake by myself. I don't know if you. If anybody can relate to that, but I'd be like, mark. And then I'd hear. And I'm like, you fell asleep again. Like, he would try to stay awake, but he just couldn't do it. And so my. We watch pro wrestling. We are geeked up. We're out of our mind. It's, like past our bedtime. My dad gave us Mountain Dew. He. We were asleep. He woke us up right now. He's like, now get to bed. And I'm like, I was asleep, but you woke me up, bro. So we are acting out the pro wrestling in our room. And my dad comes in, he shuts it down. And then, hey, man, I don't want. Don't make me come in here again. And he turns out the light and he goes, I don't wanna hear a sound. And I remember my little brother was so scared, he really went like this. He went, but, dad, we love you. Like, true. And my dad goes, ah, we'll love each other tomorrow when it's awake time. Go to bed. So he leaves, bro, not even 20 seconds. Maybe 30 seconds. I hear my little brother go, steve, are you still awake? And I'm like, yeah, of course. Like, no concept of time. I'm like, yeah. He goes, turn on the light. I'm like, no way, dude. He goes, turn on the light. I'm like, no, that'll get mad. He goes, come on. I have the best idea ever. I go, what is it? Because I can't tell you. I need to show you. I go, is it good?
- [28:10]
Ryan Sickler
No.
- [28:13]
Steve Simone
It'S the best idea ever. Turn on the light. And I remember turning on the light. And after you'd been in the dark for, like two minutes, your eyes have to readjust to the light. And my little brother stripping into his tighty whities, because that was wrestling like you. And he goes, steve, you know how normally I dive from my bed straight into your bed. Cause it's a little room. It'd be like from here to there, you know? So he would dive from his bed into my bed. But he goes, instead of diving straight into your bed, what if I go from my bed onto that desk, then into your bed? I'm like, why?
- [28:46]
Ryan Sickler
That's what he's doing over there.
- [28:48]
Steve Simone
Crunch. He's always angles. He was. He goes, steve, it's Half the distance. The same amount of force. Half the distance. I'll fly higher. Plus, that's a hard surface. I'm like, that's a great idea. And I remember he's jumping on his bed and hear my dad going, knock it off. Like that. Because he's going. Because he's trying to get momentum to make the jump. Jump. And you hear my dad go, knock it off. And then my little brother goes, I'm Superfly. Snooker. My dad pounds the wall. He goes, knock it off. And Mark freezes. And then his eyes just went like this. He looked at me, and he goes, I'm Superfly. And he jumps. He hits the desk. Immediately, I know we have a problem because he makes that oh face. You know what I mean? Like, you're gonna slip on ice. And instead of. He bounces. He's flying over my head. And he hits the back corner of the bed. The whole bed comes up. Remember that? It was a box spring. Is like, boom, boom. The whole bed goes. We roll off the bed. We. The air's knocked out of him. But he's laughing, like, frozen laughing, like. And I'm like, that was awesome. He goes, let's do it again. Then you hear my dad's door swing open. He goes, I'm cracking heads. And my older brother starts to panic. Like, what do we do? What do we do? I go, get your bed. Act asleep. And I turn out the light. No lie. I'm like. I remember my whole bed's going up and down because I'm chubby. I'm trying to breathe. My dad's like, what's going on in here? And I remember just being like, use your ninja breathing techniques. Lower your heart rate. I'm not moving. I am not bite. Because I'm out of breath, but I'm trying not to move my body. And I'm inching the blanket slowly to cover my eyes, right? And I'm like this. Dude. My little brother was so young. He didn't. He didn't know how real people slept because he always fell asleep before me. Me. So he's stiff in his bed. He'd only seen the Three Stooges in cartoons. So he's stiff in his bed like this.
- [30:37]
Ryan Sickler
Doing that snoring when he hit the.
- [30:41]
Steve Simone
No. Because he thought that's what people did when they slept. So my dad starts laughing. My dad's like, what's going on in here? And then he gets scared, so he starts doing it faster. Like, nerves are gonna make him go, I can't keep it in And I throw off the black. And I'm like, where? My dad's dying. Laughing. He's like, you kids are crazy.
- [31:00]
Ryan Sickler
That's the best.
- [31:01]
Steve Simone
It was so much fun.
- [31:02]
Ryan Sickler
My mom used to, like. She would hate it if we heard noise at all. And, you know, from our bed in this one particular house, you could see straight into the kitchen, and she'd be in there doing whatever. Shut up in there.
- [31:15]
Steve Simone
Shut up.
- [31:16]
Ryan Sickler
We'd be talking and laughing. Shut up or I'm gonna beat your ass. I'm gonna beat your. Not. Not nice. Like, would come in and beat us. Yeah. And so we would just get up, and we would just shut our door. And she would, like, leave the door open. I'm like, why? We're trying to sleep. You know, we. So we would keep shutting the door. And she came to the door, and she said, you should. I swear to God, you get out of this bed one more time, Ryan, I'm gonna beat your ass. And I was like, okay. So now my thought is, I gotta get that door open, but I can't get out of bed. Remember fat laces?
- [31:49]
Steve Simone
Oh, yeah.
- [31:50]
Ryan Sickler
So at this point, fat laces have phased out.
- [31:53]
Steve Simone
Yeah.
- [31:53]
Ryan Sickler
I got a closet full of those things. So we had tons of these in our chucks and all that stuff. You know, you crisscross two or three different kinds and had a whole closet. Our room's small. My closet's right there. So I get out of the bed, and I go into the closet, and I just lay in bed. My brother's like, what are you doing? I was like, you'll see. And I'm just tying all my fat laces together. And then I climbed to the edge of my bed, and the door is right there, and I just tie. Tie the fat laces to one end. And I lay down in bed, and I just. I pulled up. My mother's like, God damn it. But now she's coming to the door. She goes, I'm telling you one more time, I'm gonna beat your ass. And she's like, I told you not to get out of bed. I was like, I didn't get out of bed. So she pulls it, but she's not latching it every time. She's pulling it, t. Just because she wants to be able to still hear. So we lay there, and then just. My brother's died. I'm just fishing. You know what I mean? I'm just pulling that door up. She's like, God. And she could see me still laying in bed. Can't figure out how it's happening, happened, but won't come in the room. Like, doesn't come in. So I get away with it three times. And we were just pissing ourselves, just pissing ourselves. And then she finally slammed the door shut. Dude, Death kind of shit's the best, dude.
- [33:02]
Steve Simone
All right. So when I saw that picture of the Three Stooges, this is one of my favorite. Probably the hardest we laughed as well. Second hardest we laughed as a family. And I might tell you the first story, but I've never. It's in the vault. Because I don't want. But this is a true story. So we had. Was those old houses, no central air conditioning. And back then, the summers in like Philly, Baltimore, that humidity, like in August, it's brutal.
- [33:28]
Ryan Sickler
Brutal.
- [33:28]
Steve Simone
You can't sleep through the night.
- [33:30]
Ryan Sickler
We would put a thermometer in our house, it would be well over 100 degrees.
- [33:33]
Steve Simone
Absolutely. Especially upstairs because the heat would rise.
- [33:36]
Ryan Sickler
That attic is hot.
- [33:38]
Steve Simone
So we had a. One of those window air conditioners in the living room. And I remember we're begging my parents to just let us sleep, turn, leave the AC on and let us sleep in the, in the living room. And we have one of those fold out couches that was a bed. And it's essentially like a comforter over five steel bars. There's no cushioning at all right now. It was after ET it was the summer Return of the Jedi came out. Because this is all real story. And we're at the family dinner table and my older brother, like I said, is always keeping the laughs going, right? And he's doing impressions of everybody. And the thing about my dad was he would laugh, then he would get mad. Like we would say he had an invisible fuse. Like we would light the fuse and we didn't know he was getting mad because he's still laughing. He'd be like, all right, why don't you. All right, let's settle down and eat, right? But we don't. We're not paying attention to that because we see a laughing. And so my older brother's killing it. And I remember as he's killing it, he stands up, he goes, all right, who am I now? And he starts to do this with his shirt. And he's going, phone home. And I go, ET he goes, no, I'm Mark, trying to call mom when she's late to pick him up from soccer practice, right? So because my little brother was so skinny, because everybody else was fat, because he couldn't eat as fast, it's that. That's real so everybody's laughing, but my little brother. And little brother's like, I don't know, seven? And he looks at Chris, he goes, oh, yeah? Well, at least I'm not a fat mother lover like you. But he. He drops the bad word.
- [35:12]
Ryan Sickler
He said, I'll say it. How old is he?
- [35:15]
Steve Simone
When he says, maybe seven.
- [35:17]
Ryan Sickler
Oh, my. That's not just. That's.
- [35:20]
Steve Simone
Oh, bro. It was like the record skips, right? And it. Even then, I'm like, oh. My dad goes, goes, what did you say? And he goes, I hate him. Well, you don't use language like that. And then my big brother's now, like, here's his opportunity back. He goes, yeah, Mark, we don't use language like that. My dad goes, chris, where do you think he learns it from? My dad cursed all the time. All that because he would just lose his mind. And. And. And my big brother's like, he learned. No, he doesn't. He goes, you're the big brother. You have to set an example. You're the one with the foul mouth. I shouldn't let you watch Saturday Night Live. You're doing character assassination. Character assassination? You think it's humor? My big brother's like, you were laughing. He goes, I was not laughing. I was trying to tell you to stop. Now somebody's feelings got hurt. You got it. So now there's. They're going back and forth. And my big brother, who's fat and mean, looks right at my daddy, goes, fine, whatever, Jabba. Just like that to my dad's face. Now me, my little brother frees. And I remember thinking, I go, chris is going to die, right? He goes. And my dad goes, what did you call me? He goes, jabba. My dad goes, oh, yeah? What's Jabba mean? And my big brother's eyes light up because my dad doesn't know he's calling him Jabba the Hut. He goes, dad, I thought, you know what job I'm at? Why don't you tell me, tough guy? He goes, it's a word all the kids are using. It means cool. And my dad goes, what? He thought it was a genuine compliment and he needed that in his life. You know what I mean?
- [36:48]
Ryan Sickler
Like, he's with.
- [36:49]
Steve Simone
Goes, do you really think I'm Jabba? And my big brother's. And me, my little brother, trying not to laugh, right? And he's going, oh, you're totally Jabba. He goes, I am. He was like, oh, you're so Jabba, you don't even know it. He goes, the way you eat is Jabba. The way you smell is Jabba. And he was like, oh, it's a new cologne. It's brute, you know. So that whole summer, my dad thinks Jabba is a compliment. And dude, I remember this vividly. Two times my dad used it. It. Yeah. Like. And I see people in LA do that. Like where I'll see somebody my age and they go, oh, he's got Riz. I'm like, dude, you're too old to use that word.
- [37:23]
Ryan Sickler
50. Saying it's cap.
- [37:25]
Steve Simone
I'm like, it's not for you. It's not. But now my dad's trying to connect and he thinks he's cool because he's in with the lingo. And he saw us on our bikes. And I remember he's coming in from work and he just waves. He goes, you guys are looking Jabba. And my little brother's like, he said it. My big brother's like, I can't believe he said it. Right? Even better. Even better. Remember we had old neighbors over here. Did we should. Like next to our driveway. And the old guy's name was Walter. And they got a new car, they had money. And I remember my dad was Mr. Johnson pulls into his driveway. My dad, he gets out of the car and he's a beautiful car. And he's like, oh, thanks, we just got it. My dad goes, it's totally Jabba. We're in the back seat. Truth. We're in the backseat waiting for my dad to come into the car. We're like, he said it. He said to. My big brother's like, yeah, totally Jabba. Right? So then Mr. Johnson's like, what's job? I mean, he goes, I don't know myself. It's a word all the kids are using. To me it's like keen or far out. That's the best, right? So that whole summer, my dad thinks every time my big brother calls him Job, it's a compliment. And I remember on a family road trip, my dad bought himself a beechnut belt buckle. And the dude, it was the only time I've ever seen my dad spend money on himself. My whole childhood, truthfully. And it was just because he was like in a Burt Reynolds movies and it was. You know what I mean? And he always wanted to be a cowboy because like in the 40s, that and 50s cowboys were so he has his cowboy belt buckle and he loved it. Like, he would love it. Yeah, it was that one right there. It was the gold version of that. I remember beach night. Yes, that was it. And My dad thought he was the man for having that. So it's a hot summer night, we beg my parents to sleep in the living room, right? And I remember my mom's like, I don't think this is a good idea. I remember my little brother was like, please mom, you don't want us to die. And she was like, marky, you're not gonna die. He was like, it's so hot, Marky, you're gonna be fine. He was like, oh, that's what you said about my hamster. And it was really truth was the.
- [39:31]
Ryan Sickler
Hamster died from the heat.
- [39:33]
Steve Simone
I think what happened was, well, we were gone with my grandmother, Mike Graham, the one who was always saying crazy inappropriate things. I think they were just sleeping or hibernating, but she thought they were dead and she vacuumed them. Yeah. Cuz there was whenever there was an incident in the house, it was like a jury. And of course, now what happened, Mom? I don't know what happened. Mom, you're the only one in the house. Tell us what happened. What happened to my hamster? Right? So we sleep in the living room. And we're all in that pull out bed, the three of us lined up like the Three Stooges. And there was a TV in the living room. We're loving life. It's a. It's the summer, there's no school, and the three of us are lined up. And my big brother, for whatever reason, wants to start doing the steamroller game, right? Where he's just starting to pump his fist and he's like, steamroller. And he starts, starts crushing me. My little brother. And my little brother's like, don't. It hurts. So now that Chris knows it hurts, he doesn't even steamroll me. He dives over me and he's just squishing Mark. So then Mark's trying to. He was actually doing Brazilian jiu jitsu hip. He's shrimping out to get out, right? And then he's like, I hate you. So he starts to put. Now it's, it's physical. Now there's a confrontation. My dad comes downstairs, breaks it up, and he is, it's hot. There's no air conditioning upstairs. He's mad. Where I'm eight, he's mad I don't have a job. He would think, he'd say, you know, hey, if you kids were working, you'd be sleeping, you'd be too tired. When I was your age, I was on a construction site. We're like, dude, take it easy, right? Rosemary, this is Your fault. You call cuddle these boys, right? So that. Yeah, 100%. So then it happens again. There is a full on brawl. My dad comes downstairs and I know it's bad because my mom's pat. She lets out the panic scream like, don't hurt them, right? So she follows him down there. My dad's got the beach, not belt buckle on. He's still got his jeans on. So he comes in, he separates my brothers, and I'm like scared, you know, it's like real. And now it's like the enforcer shows up. And soon as my dad separates them, Mark spits in Chris's face. So now Chris dies past my. Now he's trying to kill Mark. My dad throws him off and Marcos, I hate you, you mother lover. So now my dad's like, mark, how many times do I have to tell you, don't use language like that. He goes, why don't you be like Chris and use new words like Jabba, dude. My little brother's face lights up and Chris starts to panic. Oh, dude. Chris is going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He goes, no, he deserves to know Chris. Now my dad's like, I deserve to know what? And Chris is going, no, Mark, I'll give you right? He's trying to br. And he goes, dad, Jabba doesn't mean cool. And he goes, yes, it does. No, it doesn't. And then Chris is going, yes, it does. Yes, it does. Mark goes, no, dad, remember when you took us to see Star Wars? There's the big fat guy that had Princess Leia on a leash. His name was Jabba the Hut. Chris has been calling you that to your face all summer, and you've been loving it. He's been disrespecting you to your face, but behind your back he's been laughing. And my big brother just starts taking off running. So now my dad, chip. My dad chases Chris. My mom's chasing dog. You're gonna kill him. And we're all going, kill him, kill him. So my dad gets Chris cornered. And I remember he gets finally traps him like a rat. And he's gonna, I shouldn't. My mom's going, don't hurt him. Don't hurt. So now my dad's trying to get his belt off, but he's too fat. He can't get the belt off. No lie. He's gonna come, right? Mom's like, we're all trying to grab the belt. He's going, no, he's stopping me. This is your fault. And he can't get it off. So then Chris is like this, and he starts laughing. My mom inherited her grip.
- [43:23]
Ryan Sickler
My mom's laugh.
- [43:24]
Steve Simone
Her shoulders are going, I'm laughing. Mark's going, he can't get it off. He can't get up. Like, I hit all your kids. I hit all your kids. So then there's my dad in exhaustion. So then my dad starts laughing. He goes, I can't get it off. I can't get it off. And then my dad sits down, he can't breathe, and he goes, baby, you're right. I should lose some weight. It went from this close to being a. Vicious beatings all around, the laughs. And my dad's like, what do you say we order a pizza? Now we're just eating pizza. Being a happy, fat family. It was the best.
- [44:03]
Ryan Sickler
That is the greatest story.
- [44:04]
Steve Simone
Oh, dude. That was the absolute best.
- [44:06]
Ryan Sickler
Oh, God. Yeah. My stomach hurts. Oh, dude.
- [44:10]
Steve Simone
And the funniest thing about it is.
- [44:12]
Ryan Sickler
That still having him waving to the.
- [44:14]
Steve Simone
Neighbors and Carlos, my dad loves it. I goes, did you do the Jabba story tonight? I go, no, that.
- [44:21]
Ryan Sickler
Speaking of pizza, you have one of what I think is the classiest, smartest all time moves ever.
- [44:27]
Steve Simone
Oh, yeah.
- [44:28]
Ryan Sickler
And for those of you out there, whoever find yourself in a situation like this, this is the move right here. Explain what you guys used to do when you, like, if there was a party or something at that.
- [44:38]
Steve Simone
So this is how it went. My family takes food very seriously. Very.
- [44:41]
Ryan Sickler
You're Kirsten and I talk about it, like, when it comes to foodie, it's you. You know, when I went to Philly, you're like, we're gonna have half a sandwich here.
- [44:50]
Steve Simone
Yeah. You don't want to feel.
- [44:51]
Ryan Sickler
Yeah. Yeah.
- [44:52]
Steve Simone
I never.
- [44:53]
Ryan Sickler
So good.
- [44:53]
Steve Simone
I. Whenever I'm in Philly, like, my dream, like, I'm wearing my boy. I know. I feel like Paulie and Rocky when he's wearing Shamrock Meats. Yeah. I'm like, I had always the this. He's an artist.
- [45:05]
Ryan Sickler
Yeah, I met him when we were there. Great.
- [45:07]
Steve Simone
Hilarious. Cool dude. But his. He's got his ovens from 1910. Like, you can just taste the joy of your ancestors with every bite. Like, his food's incredible. So something like I and Ellis would be the top of the pizza chain, right? But being a fat family, you're not gonna make the trip every time. Like, the more special the occasion, the longer the drive to get the best stuff. Does that make sense? If it's Friday night pizza, we're gonna go to Swarthmore Pizza or Coco. Something local.
- [45:36]
Ryan Sickler
We got a communion or something. We're gonna go out.
- [45:38]
Steve Simone
Oh, birthday pizza, birthday pizza. Every year was from this place called P. So Pika's Pizza in Upper Darby. My dad would tell the story about when I was a little boy. It was just. They didn't even have seats. It was in West Philadelphia. And you would just go in and Frank Pika himself would be making the pies. Frank Pika, my dad would. There was like a lineage. There was like a. That's it. And there was like a, like folklore about this pizza. When I was this big and I saw them making the pizza, like, so it was a special occasion pizza. And it was like 40 minute drive with traffic. And my dad, because he always wanted to get out of the house, you know, whenever there was a party or something, he's like, babe, I can't help. I gotta go pick up the pizzas. He's gone for two hours, right? Like, genius move. Now that had been happening my whole childhood. And I don't know how old I was, maybe 13. And we. My dad's like, you want to come with me to pick up the pizzas? And I'm like, yes, like, that's an honor. Like, I get to sit shotgun. I get to hang out with my dad. He's telling me stories, we're driving the Pikas. And he goes, I'll pick up for Simone. And it was supposed to be like two pepperoni. We were such a fat family because we'd always over order so there'd be leftovers. So it was maybe supposed to be two pepperoni too plain. Or like my older brother, like green peppers maybe. Whatever. There's supposed to be a four pizza pickup. And the guy was like, simone, all right, all right. And he puts five pizzas. And I go, dad, I thought there was four pizzas. And he goes. And I go, what? So he pays for me because I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I go, what? He goes, this one on top. I call that the car pie. I go, what? He goes, this is just for us. I go, what do you mean? He goes, it's my little secret. He. He goes, we eat this on the way home. Because we went and got it. And I'm like, what? And it was a genius move because I remember my dad would pick up the pizzas, bring them back to the house. He'd be like, no, babe, what, the boys? Yeah. My whole life I thought he was a gentleman. He would crotch a large pizza by himself on the car ride home.
- [47:41]
Ryan Sickler
That's the move right there. The car pie.
- [47:44]
Steve Simone
The car pie.
- [47:45]
Ryan Sickler
Steve Simone, I love you so much. I love you, too. Thank you for doing this, as always, Ryan Sickler on all your social media. Talk to y'all next week.