75: The Wayback #75 | Fiona Cauley

Summary

Episode 75: The Wayback #75 | Fiona Collie

Release Date: June 5, 2025
Host: Ryan Sickler
Guest: Fiona Collie
Podcast: The Wayback with Ryan Sickler

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Introduction

In Episode 75 of "The Wayback with Ryan Sickler," Ryan welcomes Fiona Collie, a vibrant and resilient individual who shares her compelling journey growing up in Franklin, Tennessee. The conversation navigates through Fiona's early responsibilities, family dynamics, high school experiences, personal struggles, and her pursuit of creative passions. This episode offers listeners an intimate look into Fiona's life, highlighting her perseverance and humor in the face of adversity.

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Early Life and Family Dynamics

Growing Up in Franklin, Tennessee

Fiona Collie was born and raised in Franklin, an affluent area in Tennessee. Despite the outward appearance of wealth, Fiona recounts how her mother portrayed the family as financially struggling. Living in a historic home, Fiona couldn't comprehend that the old house symbolized wealth, leading her to believe they were "broke as shit" until she turned 18.

Fiona Collie ([04:28]): "I thought we were broke as shit my entire life until I was 18."

Her early years were marked by significant family changes. When Fiona was nine, her father left the family, depleting her mother's bank accounts and leaving her mother to support three children. This upheaval forced Fiona into the workforce at a remarkably young age.

Early Work Experience

At just 11 years old, Fiona secured her first job at Ching's Asian Bistro. She managed to work there by not disclosing her true age, as Tennessee law typically requires workers to be at least 16.

Fiona Collie ([05:34]): "I didn't tell them how old I was. I've looked at least."

Fiona humorously describes her initial driving experience to commute to work, including a memorable traffic stop where she had to lie about stealing her mother's car.

Fiona Collie ([10:07]): "I was like, why am I being pulled over? He was like a Taylor. I was like, I'm two minutes from home."

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Teenage Years: Challenges and Coping Mechanisms

Living with a Convict

During her high school years, Fiona's home environment was further complicated by the presence of a convict who moved in due to limited space at a local church's rehabilitation program. This individual often behaved inappropriately, creating an uncomfortable and unstable household atmosphere.

Fiona Collie ([12:22]): "I was like, can I help you? And he was like, you want to go have a beer? I'm 14. I was like, no, no."

High School Experiences

Fiona attended the Young Scholars Academy (YSA), a prestigious summer program for affluent students. At YSA, she took speech and improv classes, which sparked her love for humor and performance.

Fiona Collie ([17:31]): "I would take speech classes there. Improv and I forgot about all this. Yeah, I think that's when I learned I loved trying to be funny."

Substance Use and Rebellion

Fiona began experimenting with cigarettes at the age of 12, influenced by her sister. She also recounts sneaking out, smoking, and other rebellious behaviors as coping mechanisms for her challenging home life.

Fiona Collie ([14:24]): "I was like, why can't I walk at all when I'm high? Like, I just thought I was allergic to weed."

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Creativity and Personal Growth

Finding Solace in Creativity

With limited access to traditional childhood activities, Fiona cultivated her creativity by engaging in unique hobbies. She spent hours climbing magnolia trees and meticulously cataloging the colors of passing cars, believing she was gathering important data.

Fiona Collie ([23:54]): "I was just quirky. If I did have autism, the wheelchair ended it because I'm not climbing trees anymore."

Middle Child Syndrome and Humor

As the middle child in a tumultuous family environment, Fiona often used humor to lighten serious situations, even when it sometimes got her into trouble.

Fiona Collie ([25:21]): "I always tried to kind of, like, add some levity to situations which I got in trouble for a lot. Like, I was never serious enough."

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Family Conflicts and Personal Struggles

Parental Tensions and Name Change

Fiona's parents divorced when she was nine, and the relationship between her parents remained tense. Her mother’s obsession with maintaining a thin physique contributed to a restrictive and often unsupportive household environment. Fiona legally changed her first name from Lauren to Fiona at age 18, a name her mother had wanted since Fiona's birth but was initially blocked by her father.

Fiona Collie ([18:18]): "I started going by Fiona. And I legally changed it on my 18th birthday."

Sister’s Influence and Symbolic Punishment

Fiona shares a poignant story about her older sister, who was battling addiction and, at age 12, tattooed a heart on Fiona’s bikini line as a form of punishment. This event left a lasting physical and emotional mark on Fiona, who later covered the tattoo with a floral design.

Fiona Collie ([32:08]): "I've had a tattoo since I was 12."

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Overcoming Adversity and Moving Forward

Despite the numerous challenges Fiona faced during her upbringing, she emerged with a strong sense of self and a passion for creative expression. Her experiences instilled in her a resilience and a unique perspective that she channels into her work and personal projects.

Current Endeavors

Fiona promotes her new podcast, "Ramping Up with Fiona Collie and Matt Taylor," and her upcoming tour, inviting listeners to follow her journey and support her creative ventures.

Fiona Collie ([35:24]): "Ramping up is the new podcast, Ramping up with Fiona Collie and Matt Taylor."

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Notable Quotes

• Fiona Collie ([04:28]): "I thought we were broke as shit my entire life until I was 18."
• Fiona Collie ([09:11]): "I've been in a wheelchair because I ate Ching's Asian Bistro for years."
• Fiona Collie ([17:37]): "I forgot about all this. Yeah, I think that's when I learned I loved trying to be funny."
• Fiona Collie ([25:09]): "I was just quirky. If I did have autism, the wheelchair ended it because I'm not climbing trees anymore."
• Fiona Collie ([32:08]): "I've had a tattoo since I was 12."
• Fiona Collie ([35:24]): "Ramping up is the new podcast, Ramping up with Fiona Collie and Matt Taylor."

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Conclusion

Episode 75 of "The Wayback with Ryan Sickler" provides an unfiltered and heartfelt narrative of Fiona Collie's life, highlighting her strength and determination in overcoming significant personal and familial challenges. Fiona's story is a testament to resilience and the power of creativity as a means of coping and self-expression. Her journey from a troubled youth to a creative professional serves as an inspiring example for listeners facing their own adversities.

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This comprehensive summary captures the essence of Episode 75, focusing on the most impactful and meaningful moments of Fiona Collie's story. The structured sections and notable quotes offer clarity and depth, making the content accessible and engaging for those who haven't listened to the episode.

Transcript

[Ryan Sickler]

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Baltimore. I'll be at the Horseshoe Casino Saturday, June 28. One night only. One show only. If you live In Maryland, Virginia, D.C. delaware, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, I don't care. Get your tickets now. Come down, pack this show out. I got special guest Justin Schlegel from 98 Rock working with me that night. It's going to be a great show. Get your tickets now. Don't wait. It's the last show of my Live and Alive Tour. Go to RyanCickler.com Saturday, June 28th. Get your tickets. Come see me at the Horseshoe Casino. Hey, baby, we're gonna be here all day. We're gonna be here all day, baby. I like this kind of party. Welcome back to the Way Back. Everybody. Ryan Sickler here. Thank you for watching this show. Thank you for supporting anything I do. I don't care what it is. Live shows, merch, podcast, all of it. Thank you very much. I love this show. This has been such a fun show. I'm glad to keep doing this one. I'm excited to have the this guest on with me today. Back here in the Way Back. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome F K. Welcome to the Way Back. Well, thank you for being here. And this is interesting, actually. Well, before we get into it, promote everything you'd like, please.

[Fiona Collie]

Ah, I have a new podcast called Ramping Up.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is that.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, I swear that was available.

[Ryan Sickler]

I looked for so many podcast names. They were all taking Ramping Up.

[Fiona Collie]

Well, I. I hope it's available now.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh my God.

[Fiona Collie]

With Fiona Collie. Matt Taylor, my fiance and I'm on tour. Get your [e-mail] or on my Instagram at the Lincoln Bio. Instagram is also Fiona Collie.

[Ryan Sickler]

I love it. Well, I start these episodes off by asking people if they ever sat in the seat and you're like, I don't even know what it is. And now we know what our cutoff is. You're 20. But before I tell you, got to go watch Fiona's Honeydew episode. Because what's interesting about this is on the Honeydew talked about being in a chair, and that didn't happen until you were about, what, 18? 20.

[Fiona Collie]

The chair didn't happen until 24.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, so this podcast is into high school. Yeah, that's it. So this episode, you are not in a chair, and you're still walking and playing sports and things like that. So what is again, take us from the beginning. You're Nashville or born and raised, while Franklin.

[Fiona Collie]

Franklin, yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Dad, mom, two older sister, younger brother. And what's life like growing up for you guys there in Franklin, Tennessee?

[Fiona Collie]

Well, it's interesting. I talked about this on Honeydew. Franklin is, like, a known, very affluent area. Growing up, though, my mom convinced all of us that we were broke as. And I grew up in, like, a historic home. And as a kid, I couldn't compute that, like, old house meant money. I was just like, we don't have heat in the winter. What the are you talking about? You know what I mean? So I thought we were broke as shit my entire life until I was 18.

[Ryan Sickler]

And then you realize what?

[Fiona Collie]

My mom is very wealthy.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is that right?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, she is. I didn't know till I was filling out the shit to go to college on the FAFSA and she had to tell me how much she made. Yeah. And I was like you. I had a job since I was 11 years old.

[Ryan Sickler]

What were you doing at 11? What was the job?

[Fiona Collie]

My first job was at a place called Ching's Asian Bistro.

[Ryan Sickler]

Wait, can we look this up first? Ching's Asian Bistro. Where was this? Franklin, Tennessee. Okay. This is it right here?

[Fiona Collie]

Yep.

[Ryan Sickler]

All right.

[Fiona Collie]

Look at those stairs. I walked up.

[Ryan Sickler]

I used to walk up those stairs.

[Fiona Collie]

Ah, Ching. So, yeah, it was pretty good. They had a good general South.

[Ryan Sickler]

How are you being. How are you 11 working here?

[Fiona Collie]

Well, I. I didn't tell them how old I was. I've looked at least.

[Ryan Sickler]

What do you have to be 16 to work in Tennessee?

[Fiona Collie]

I think so.

[Ryan Sickler]

You were 11?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's a year from my daughter right now. Who would. I can't even imagine her at a restaurant.

[Fiona Collie]

You're going to yourself.

[Ryan Sickler]

Let's go.

[Fiona Collie]

I had to drive myself to work at 11.

[Ryan Sickler]

So you got some driving.

[Fiona Collie]

I asked her to do it because it ended early.

[Ryan Sickler]

So what do you mean who's the.

[Fiona Collie]

How you get in a car, dude. Okay, so I didn't really start like driving until I was like 13 or 14.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay. Yeah, that's more reasonable.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Because I had to reach the pedals. But my. There was a car my mom bought my older sister, but then my sister got a different car eventually, so we just had that one in waiting for when I was old enough, I guess. But I had to buy it from my sister.

[Ryan Sickler]

From your rich mom?

From your sister.

Yeah. Right.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. And it was an 84 white box Volvo.

[Ryan Sickler]

The wagon or a sedan.

[Fiona Collie]

I don't know what those words mean.

[Ryan Sickler]

It was white station wagon car or a. It had four wheels, four door regular car.

[Fiona Collie]

Four door regular car. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

This guy right here, Bessie. Okay, so there's the wagon version of it right there.

[Fiona Collie]

Not that.

[Ryan Sickler]

And you know what? That wagon version had this way back in it a lot. I'm pretty sure it did. So this was your. The car?

[Fiona Collie]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

And now.

[Fiona Collie]

So I used to drive that.

[Ryan Sickler]

And your mom doesn't say, hey, where are you going?

[Fiona Collie]

Literally, she knew I was doing it.

[Ryan Sickler]

She knew you were 11 and working.

[Fiona Collie]

So my dad left us when I was nine.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Fiona Collie]

Okay. My mom, he like drained all her bank accounts and left her with three kids. So we were broke for a minute.

[Ryan Sickler]

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[Fiona Collie]

And my mom had started a company. She was always busy, but I had to have a job because we were poor, I guess, and I needed to eat. And Ching's looks like a good spot to eat. Yeah. Yeah. I'm only In a wheelchair. Because I ate Ching's agent B, sir, for years. That MSG man, like, gives people.

[Ryan Sickler]

I love that. There's going to be people that may discover you from this podcast, this episode, and have no idea that you're even in a wheelchair. I love it.

[Fiona Collie]

So that car was sort of sitting at the house waiting for me to be old enough. I got a job. My mom could not drive me to work anymore at some point, so she was like, okay, it's only a seven minute drive from her house. You can do it. And I was like, yeah, probably. And so the rule was. The rule was if I got pulled over, I had to tell the cops I stole the car from her.

[Ryan Sickler]

There's a rule for it. Did you ever.

[Fiona Collie]

I got pulled over once for a tail light.

[Ryan Sickler]

You didn't even. The mom didn't even fix the taillight.

[Fiona Collie]

No, no.

[Ryan Sickler]

What did they say? You look like 10 probably then.

[Fiona Collie]

No, I have looked just like this since I was 12.

[Ryan Sickler]

We're gonna find pictures of you when you're younger to put up here too.

[Fiona Collie]

You're gonna be like, what the.

[Ryan Sickler]

So what, you got pulled over the.

[Fiona Collie]

Guy for tail light?

[Ryan Sickler]

Where's your license?

[Fiona Collie]

No, that wasn't the first question.

[Ryan Sickler]

Huh?

[Fiona Collie]

He was like, well, it's Franklin. So they're like, who the is driving a shitty ass car in this rich area?

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

And the minute I was like, oh, I live on this street, you know? He was like, okay. And I was like, why am I being pulled over? He was like a Taylor. I was like, I'm two minutes from home. I'll get my mommy to fix it. And he was like, okay, just be safe and just let me go.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's the only time being a cop and someone coming back and going, you let a 13 year old get away today? Like, what? That's crazy. Yeah, that's when I wrecked it in the driveway. Great job, K. Sorry.

[Fiona Collie]

That's.

[Ryan Sickler]

That was it. That guy looks like he's poured gas on it, ready to light it on fire.

[Fiona Collie]

He was like, I'll fix it. That guy was. Oh, that story is weird, dude. That guy, I cannot remember his name, but there was some, like, when you don't want to go to rehab and you believe God convicts you. Narrow Gate. Narrow Gate is. It was part of my mom's church. He was like a drug addict and they ran out of rooms at Narrow Gate and it was for men. They let him move in to our fucking house. I'm like 14 or something, maybe ex convict. Yeah, that's fucking. And no one's ever home. And I recently.

[Ryan Sickler]

Did he ever get creepy with you?

[Fiona Collie]

All the time. All the time.

[Ryan Sickler]

You're like, of course he did, you idiot.

[Fiona Collie]

I like woke up one time to him staring at me over my bed.

[Ryan Sickler]

No.

[Fiona Collie]

And I was like, can I help you? And he was like, you want to go have a beer? I'm 14. I was like, no, no. But yeah, he zip tied my car together.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's the guy that did the zip. I'll fix it for you.

[Fiona Collie]

When you don't have a dad, you have this guy. Okay.

[Ryan Sickler]

How long did a convict lived in your house? Live in your house?

[Fiona Collie]

He got kicked out eventually.

[Ryan Sickler]

For what? What file? He did it. Oh, that's what did it, huh?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. Well, I called my mom the other day cuz I all of a sudden remembered him and I was like, what the was that? She was like, girl, I was doing my best. I was like, doesn't sound like it. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

So Thirteen, you're driving yourself legit to Mr. Chings or Chings?

[Fiona Collie]

Just Asian beast. Okay.

[Ryan Sickler]

I don't know why I put a mister on it. We're gonna get canceled.

[Fiona Collie]

I was the only white person that worked there. It was like a family.

[Ryan Sickler]

Did they love you though?

[Fiona Collie]

No, they hated me. They called me their white slave. I'm not even getting. Everyone was like, okay. And I think I got paid. I got paid in cash. Bottle caps was and things. You cut off the cereal boxes. Never mind. I can't remember.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

You know, yes. Box office. But they paid me in cash and like an envelope at the end of the month. And I think.

[Ryan Sickler]

Do you remember. Do you remember what you.

[Fiona Collie]

It was like $5 an hour.

[Ryan Sickler]

Wow.

[Fiona Collie]

It was under a minute.

[Ryan Sickler]

I mean, are you doing it every day after school or just a few times a week?

[Fiona Collie]

I think four days a week. That's a lot for a fucking kid.

[Ryan Sickler]

As an 8th grader a 13 year old. All right.

[Fiona Collie]

What other job were you really? I started smoking. I was like 12, dude. All right. Literally driving, smoking cigarettes.

[Ryan Sickler]

Nuh. At 13. Franklin, Tennessee.

[Fiona Collie]

Yes.

[Ryan Sickler]

Who got you stuck or started on cigarettes?

[Fiona Collie]

My sister, dude. She. I remember when I was like 10, she called me into the backyard. There was a boy over. I think she was trying to like impress. And they were sharing a cigarette. Some tens is. She's 14. And she was like, look how funny this says. And called me back there and was like, take a drag of this. And I was like, yeah, I'm cool. I'll do it. I didn't know what end to put in my Mouth. It was already lit. It was already lit. She was gonna let me put the lit into my mouth and the guy stopped me, thank God. But then I realized made me look older and I was like, maybe I won't get pulled over if I'm smoking.

[Ryan Sickler]

And mom was never like, smoke?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, I got in trouble. I got granted a lot first.

[Ryan Sickler]

You did say what was your groundings? Like, what was. What would they take? What she take away?

[Fiona Collie]

Mostly my freedom. Can you still drive to work? Thirteen?

[Ryan Sickler]

You can still.

[Fiona Collie]

Dude, wait, hold on. School. High school.

[Ryan Sickler]

You were driving like as a underage.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, yeah. She didn't have time.

[Ryan Sickler]

Pulled into the school illegally.

[Fiona Collie]

I was like, hey, guys. I had to like park way far away so I wasn't on the property because I wasn't assigned a parking spot because I'm a license.

[Ryan Sickler]

I can't get over the fact you had a convict living with you guys during high school is insane.

[Fiona Collie]

It belt carrot.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, I'll bet. I'll bet I did. What kind of. Do you guys ever take vacations? Were you a vacation family at all?

[Fiona Collie]

Not really, no. No, no relatives to visit out of state or anything? I didn't get PTO when I was 13.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

No, I mean all my relatives now live in Raleigh. I don't really talk to my dad's. I don't know.

[Ryan Sickler]

What about like camps, sports, growing up, any of that stuff?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, we had Young Scholars.

[Ryan Sickler]

What's that?

[Fiona Collie]

It's kind of like a summer camp for rich kids. I think it's like there's like YMCA with money.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, like there were. You could set your schedule and it was like Harry Potter class and like, like, you want to do this right here?

[Ryan Sickler]

The Young Scholars Academy. The ysa.

[Fiona Collie]

Yes. It was so fun as a kid. I remember, but it was like the hours of school, a week long thing.

[Ryan Sickler]

I'm reading it right there. A week long non credit summer residential program. So you're living there?

[Fiona Collie]

No, no, we went home every night. But are they doing it?

[Ryan Sickler]

Students are provided tuition, room, board and instructional materials. It's grown since you went.

[Fiona Collie]

Wow. Yeah, I think it's like meant for parents that work all year round.

[Ryan Sickler]

And you liked it?

[Fiona Collie]

I loved it. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

What kind of stuff you doing here?

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, like, I actually took speech classes there. Improv and.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, you did.

[Fiona Collie]

I forgot about all this. Yeah, I think that's when I learned I loved trying to be funny.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

And what do you say, you're about 13 here or something like that?

[Fiona Collie]

I'm probably younger. I'd say like 11, 10, 11. So my parents got divorced when I was 9. When they got divorced, my mom, they hate each other to this day will not speak. My mom was like, hey, you know, when you were born, I wanted to name you Fiona, and your dad wouldn't let me. My birth name is not. I legally changed my first name.

[Ryan Sickler]

Really? What was.

[Fiona Collie]

Used to be Lauren. Lauren Rebecca Collie was my name. But my mom at 9 was like, I want to name you Fiona. Your dad wouldn't let me. Because he thought you would do drugs like Fiona Apple.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's his only reason?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. I'm like, what about his ass?

[Ryan Sickler]

What the.

[Fiona Collie]

And so she tried to help me change it, but my dad was an attorney, so he. That didn't go far. So I started going by Fiona.

[Ryan Sickler]

You liked it?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, because everyone in my class was Lauren. It was a very popular name. I was born in 96, so. But I started going by Fiona. You know, like, first day of school, they're always like, if you have a nickname or go buy something else, I'd always be like, Fiona. And I got bullied for saying that because they're like, that's not a part of your name. Like, what the fuck? You can't just do that. I did it.

[Ryan Sickler]

You did it.

[Fiona Collie]

And I legally changed it on my 18th birthday.

[Ryan Sickler]

Good for you. We had a kid in our school. I'm not going to say what his first name was because it'll out him, but his last name was Jordan. And around 11th grade, this guy whose name wasn't Michael Jordan started telling all of us and the teachers to call him Michael Jordan. And we're like, we're not calling you Michael Jordan, bro. And you're white. We're not calling you Michael Jordan. That's not your name. We've been to school with you since elementary school, bro. You're fucking Larry Jordan. That's not his real name.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, no. That was sort of the vibe everyone hated. Well, I was like, so obsessed with.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, but Fiona isn't. You're not naming yourself after. You didn't call yourself Fiona Apple.

[Fiona Collie]

Piano orange.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

No, I mean, I was really eccentric. I don't even know what to call it. Like, in high school, I dress really weird. Starting in middle school, really give us an outfit.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, what do you mean?

[Fiona Collie]

My, like, thing I would do every week, I would go to the Goodwill down the street, and I would, like, close my eyes and walk through the aisles till I felt a fabric I liked.

[Ryan Sickler]

Nuh.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

By touch.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. I was fucking annoying as shit. And I would buy it, cut it up where I couldn't sew. I just looked homeless. It wasn't like this cool thing I'm doing, but I would, like, get tights, and I would rip them on purpose. Like, that was the kind of person I was. There are definitely photos of that era on the Internet somewhere. Yeah, way back.

[Ryan Sickler]

What about hangout spots? Do you have any hangout spots in high school places?

[Fiona Collie]

You guys go to the cool place. It's not like this anymore. But in Franklin, right. Like, walking distance from where my house is was a Starbucks. And there was this, like, brick wall that all of us would go and sit on and smoke cigarettes for hours. And that was. That was the hangout or like, Pinkerton Park.

[Ryan Sickler]

Pinkerton park in Franklin, Tennessee.

[Fiona Collie]

Yes, sir.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's a cute park.

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[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, it was fun to be really high at. I got there after work to decompress.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah. After chings.

[Fiona Collie]

I'm 13, just on the monkey bars, smoking butts at the top sticking out of our mouth. Decompressing like, man, I'm bitching.

[Ryan Sickler]

They got a good general sounds, though.

[Fiona Collie]

I'm playing hopscotch.

[Ryan Sickler]

Just like a cigarette in your lips.

[Fiona Collie]

I can't ask for that raise, man.

[Ryan Sickler]

I can't be doing this. $100 an hour much. All right, how about, like, did you ever have sleepovers at your house, or did you go over?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. No. No, no. One was a lot of my house.

[Ryan Sickler]

That was a rule. So I remember we had friends who had those parents.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. It was too nice, the house. You go there, you'd have no idea. Three kids live there. I. Is it, like, didn't have toys? I wasn't really allowed to because it would make a mess. I had one stuffed animal.

[Ryan Sickler]

What would you do for fun and play, dude?

[Fiona Collie]

So this is. Something is wrong with me, probably. When you don't have toys, you get creative. Right. So I used to use my legs that worked at this. And I would take a notepad and a pen.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay.

[Fiona Collie]

I would climb my neighbor's magnolia tree. I would climb to the very top. Of it instead of there for hours, I wrote down every color I knew. And I would watch the cars that went by and do a tally. Like, how many black cars, how many red cars. Yeah, I thought I was collecting. I have, like, fucking 40 notebooks full.

[Ryan Sickler]

Of data of cars that went by today.

[Fiona Collie]

I thought it was like, I was a spy and someone would need this eventually.

[Ryan Sickler]

What made you first think to do that?

[Fiona Collie]

I don't fucking know. And I did it for too long.

[Ryan Sickler]

How long?

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, God, like, how many journals? Three years.

[Ryan Sickler]

You know what, though? I wouldn't know if my kid was autistic or if they were just doing some real shady. Like, why is my kid up in this tree?

[Fiona Collie]

Wasn't a thing back then. I was just quirky.

[Ryan Sickler]

Quirky?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. What they call you, I like to think. I mean, if I did have autism, the wheelchair ended it because I'm not climbing trees anymore, you know, you cars.

[Ryan Sickler]

What the. Is. What about. Were you a practical joker at all? Did you ever play any pranks on your family or friends or anything like that?

[Fiona Collie]

My family was very serious.

[Ryan Sickler]

They sound like it. So where are you getting all the comedy and all the fun from because of that? Being repressed and you're not allowed to laugh, I think.

[Fiona Collie]

I mean, it's that classic middle child. Like, everything was so bad and serious, and there was always more trauma around the corner. I always tried to kind of, like, add some levity to situations which I got in trouble for a lot. Like, I was never serious enough. But, yeah, I don't know. I, like, lived at my friend's house for most of middle school. You did high school?

[Ryan Sickler]

What was that like? And why.

[Fiona Collie]

So they lived. It was across town. I would walk there and. Or drive there, and her mom knew I was driving and was like, what the.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, but you drive over to their house, and her mom didn't like smoking.

[Fiona Collie]

And s. I'm not kidding.

[Ryan Sickler]

You're like the kid you would tell your kids, stay the. Away from that. That Lauren Fiona girl. Stay away from her.

[Fiona Collie]

I swear to God. Like. But her mom was like a second mom to me at one point. And I drank and stuff, and Maggie was my friend. She was a very good kid. She just, like, made sure I didn't die, basically.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

And I remember I left, like, a bottle of tequila or something in Maggie's car one day, and we were 16 at that point, and her mom found it, and her mom took it to be like, maggie, what the fuck is this? Maggie had no idea. And her mom was like, it's Fiona. And Maggie was like. Yeah. And her mom just took it and threw it away. She, like, knew if I got in trouble, it would be way worse than.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like anything she was gonna do.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. So her mom had a lot of real conversations with me. She used to attack me when they were going grocery shopping to, like, get me stuff because I ate dinner there. My mom, she was like obsessed about being thin. That's like part of her whole trauma, probably with her family, like, if you are overweight in any way, like. And she didn't keep food in the house at all? No. She for years kept what I called space food. But it was just like some fucking like Weight Watchers bullshit. There was a powdering and shit, and you add liquid to it, now it's a turkey. You know what I mean? And so we couldn't. We could need it. And so Maggie's mom would just get your real food. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Do you know about Tang?

[Fiona Collie]

No.

[Ryan Sickler]

It's a powder. It's a. Just a original Tang as a powder. And you just scoop it and put it in water. And now you got orange juice.

[Fiona Collie]

Perfect. That's what I'm saying.

[Ryan Sickler]

And this big deal was because it's like they gave it to this. The astronauts on the space shuttle. I talk about this in my stand up. Like, why is the bar for everything that's supposed to be good? They. They put this on the space shuttle. Like I've had poxy and stuff like this went on the spaceship. I'm like, you know, we've two space shuttles are blown up. You know, why is that the funny. So what? It's the stuff they give the astronauts on the space shuttle. Yeah. Which ones? Yeah.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, that's Maggie.

[Ryan Sickler]

Who's got the head?

[Fiona Collie]

That's Maggie.

[Ryan Sickler]

That's Maggie. This is you on the left?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Is this your little brother? Who's this? Who's this lady?

[Fiona Collie]

Her name is Rowan. That's so funny. We used to babysit Rowan and now she's like the best looking woman at that age.

[Ryan Sickler]

You would babysit her. You really did.

[Fiona Collie]

I was a baby. I babysit.

[Ryan Sickler]

This is a home alone picture right here.

[Fiona Collie]

That was me and Maggie had a joint birthday party.

[Ryan Sickler]

Do you have a black eye there.

[Fiona Collie]

On your left eye, by the way? Yeah. I think that's like misplaced glitter.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, okay. Okay, okay. We always. We get a lot of young pictures on the show and people are usually beat up in their pictures. The black eye, a blood a tooth out or something.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

So what are you doing here? Was this a routine you guys Are doing?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Wait, what is Libby. Lulu.

[Fiona Collie]

It's like it was in the mall, princess.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, it was. Kirsten knows. Did you do this, Kirsten?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

You did this too?

[Fiona Collie]

It was like we had our birthday party there.

[Ryan Sickler]

So what? You could dress and have a party? A theme party?

[Fiona Collie]

We were being breakfast.

[Ryan Sickler]

Okay, Libby Lou. Libby Lou. Okay, so you go here and you have your party there.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, it was sick as.

[Ryan Sickler]

Oh, I see. All right.

[Fiona Collie]

Dude, I forgot about. Yeah, we're Britney Spears. That was. Oh, my God, I feel old as.

[Ryan Sickler]

You do. You do? What'd you say you were born in, what, 96? 90 what? Six. I mean, two years before. That's the first time I came to California. That's before you even existed. That's crazy to hear a story like I wouldn't even alive.

[Fiona Collie]

Oh, my God.

[Ryan Sickler]

What's the worst punishment grounding you ever got?

[Fiona Collie]

Ah. So I'm gonna dive up my older sister if we're talking about punishment. Okay, so I mentioned on Honeydew that she's been clean for 12 years now. Okay. So when she was in high school, she was on drugs, but I didn't know. She was like, my idol. And I remember I was 12 years old and I came home and she was like. Her pupils were huge. She was acting crazy. I had no what was going on. And her bedroom was, like, in the attic, but it was renovated. She was like, come up here. Which was a big deal for me. So I go up there and she was like, do you want to be cool? And I was like, duh. And then she was like, okay, lay down and don't make a noise. My sister, against my will, tattooed me.

[Ryan Sickler]

What? Ah. Do you still have it?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. I covered it up, though.

[Ryan Sickler]

Wear on your body?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, on my bikini line. She didn't want my mom to see it.

[Ryan Sickler]

What'd she tattoo you?

[Fiona Collie]

It was a heart. She tattooed me. It was a sticking. Like the prison tattoo?

[Ryan Sickler]

No, I know guys that have that.

[Fiona Collie]

Dude, I've had a tattoo since I was 12.

[Ryan Sickler]

Your sister gave.

[Fiona Collie]

Dude on drugs. And she's disabled too now.

[Ryan Sickler]

Like, does she remember this at all?

[Fiona Collie]

You know the crazy thing about her falling off the mountain? She has brain damage, which is memory loss, so I've never gotten an apology for any of this shit.

[Ryan Sickler]

Would you cover it with?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, when I turned 18, I went and got it covered up with some flowers. Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Where is the heart? In there. Can you see it?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

You see that right there? The little dark blue one in there?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Kirsten, go up, right? Nope, down. Down. That Blue. Yeah, yeah, that right there. Is that it?

[Fiona Collie]

Wow. I got that cover up now. I call it my secret garden.

[Ryan Sickler]

Yeah, well, I like that you got a prison tap. Give me worse punishment for you, and then we'll wrap it up. You ever. Do you have one a ground or anything?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. One time, my mom went through my room and found a grinder with weed in it. And it literally was not mine, because at that point, I stopped smoking weed because I was like, why can't I walk at all when I'm high? Like, I just thought I was allergic to weed. I don't know.

[Ryan Sickler]

Know.

[Fiona Collie]

And so it literally was not mine. And I told her because I came home from school, she was like, I need you just to, like, stop by the house real quick before you go to Maggie's. And I was like, okay. So I stopped by, and I come in, and she's, like, taking the grinder apart, sprinkled out whatever was in it to make it look like as big of a thing as possible. And I didn't know what it was. I was like, mom, what the are you doing? This is crazy. And she was like, I found this in your room. Don't be funny about it. And I was like, that's not mine. Like, I swear to God. And obviously she did not believe me, and I begged her to drug test me.

[Ryan Sickler]

Wouldn't.

[Fiona Collie]

She wouldn't. She said, find a way to. That was the theme. She was like, you'll find a way to pass it. Blah, blah, blah. I was grounded for six months.

[Ryan Sickler]

Months for that. For really being innocent. I know you would tell us at this point.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

What was the grounding?

[Fiona Collie]

No phone, school and back working Back. Yeah. And I was second. My. That's when I started sneaking out, put the car in neutral and pushed it at night. At night? Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

At what, 14?

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah. It got real crazy.

[Ryan Sickler]

You knew you could do that.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Sickler]

Push it down the hill and then drive it away.

[Fiona Collie]

Yeah, dude. God. Took my legs away because that was a minute.

[Ryan Sickler]

Don't say that. Fiona, thank you for doing this. This is a really fun episode.

[Fiona Collie]

I have had a blast.

[Ryan Sickler]

Same young lady, one more time. Promote your podcast and your tour. Tell them where to go find your dates.

[Fiona Collie]

Ramping up is the new podcast, Ramping up with Vanna Colley and Matt Taylor. You can find my tour dates and ticket [e-mail] my Instagram Fiona Collie. Yeah, if I can come through.

[Ryan Sickler]

Thank you very much as always, Ryan Sickler, on all your social media. We'll talk to y' all next week.

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