Therapy Chat, Episode 475:
Grief as a Portal to Healing Complex Trauma with Amber Trejo, LMFT
Date: March 24, 2025
Host: Laura Reagan, LCSW-C
Guest: Amber Trejo, LMFT
Episode Overview
In this emotionally deep and candid conversation, host Laura Reagan welcomes back therapist Amber Trejo for part two of their series on the intersection of grief and complex trauma. Both having lost a parent in the past year, they use their personal and professional experiences to explore how parental loss can unearth unresolved childhood wounds, offer surprising gifts, and catalyze new levels of healing. This episode is a heartfelt resource for therapists and trauma survivors, normalizing difficult feelings and illuminating the nuances of grief in the context of complex PTSD (CPTSD).
Key Topics & Insights
1. Purpose and Intentions (03:54-06:52)
- Both Laura and Amber highlight the motivation for recording this episode: making the hidden or rarely-discussed facets of grieving as trauma survivors visible and normalized.
- “Our goal for having this conversation publicly...would be for others like us...to be able to recognize how it can be and to normalize that experience and hopefully give some reassurance that it’s a normal part of the process and can even be an opportunity for healing something you didn’t realize was there before.” (Laura Reagan, 02:50)
2. Introducing Amber Trejo (06:07-06:52)
- Amber introduces her specialty—helping parents with complex trauma break generational cycles, and sharing her story publicly (@integrativetraumatherapist).
- Discusses her journey as a trauma survivor, parent, and therapist.
3. The Unique Colors of Grief for Trauma Survivors (07:58-13:06)
- Both share the context of losing a parent—Amber her mom in late 2023, Laura her dad in late 2024.
- Grieving as a therapist adds extra layers: “We have that other hat that colors so much of the way that we see and understand the world.” (Laura, 05:00)
- Amber describes setting boundaries on sharing personal grief until she had processed it privately.
4. Surprising Gifts of Grieving & Memory Retrieval (13:06-15:07)
- Laura shares how her father’s death unlocked forgotten positive childhood memories:
- “All these positive memories with him that were, like, kind of locked away...actually kind of surprised me, because you don’t know what you don’t remember.” (Laura, 13:41)
- Trauma often distorts or blocks memory—not just negative but positive ones, too.
5. Discovery & Connection After Loss (15:07-19:20)
- Amber found her mother’s journal, which provided unheard emotional truths and regrets—offering a form of closure and deepening posthumous connection.
- “To see in her journal...this is what I wanted to hear from you...it was almost like something about her passing...just felt like we were almost like more connected in some weird way.” (Amber, 15:56)
- Laura reflects on how grief can allow us to see parents as complete, imperfect humans, not just through the limited lens of their parental role.
6. The Complexity of Compassion and Anger Towards Parents (19:20-27:19)
- Societal scripts and trauma responses often box parents into simplistic roles—abuser, neglectful, narcissistic. Both discuss the importance of making space for parents’ full humanity.
- Laura’s realization that unmet childhood needs often fuel disproportionate anger toward her mother and perfectionistic expectations for herself as a parent.
- “Society gives us a thousand ways to blame our mom for not being what we needed her to be...the expectations for dads are, like, rock bottom.” (Laura, 27:19)
- Amber sees a generational thread—her mother’s struggles with CPTSD informed her path of breaking the cycle.
7. Rituals and Daily Practices to Move Through Grief (46:34-48:59)
- Both discuss practical grief rituals: journaling, music, art, candle lighting, and speaking to the deceased parent—tools for emotional processing and continued connection.
- “Sometimes I write to my dad...sometimes I light a candle. It all depends. Sometimes I try to talk to him in my mind.” (Laura, 47:41)
- Recognizing change after parental loss—“You’re a different person when your parents aren’t living anymore.” (Laura, 48:43)
8. The Foreshortened Sense of Future & Trauma (34:18-37:20)
- Laura introduces “foreshortened sense of the future,” a trauma symptom where envisioning positive change or long-term potential feels impossible.
- “Trauma kind of keeps us thinking...like a bug in a fossil trapped in amber. You know, you’re just trapped in this trauma time and not seeing all of time.” (Laura, 34:20)
9. The Fear of Feeling & Emotional Flashbacks (37:20-43:57)
- Amber describes the visceral fear that sadness or grief will annihilate her—a classic trauma response.
- “When the sadness happens...it’s like the world is ending and it’s never going to be better...I think as a childhood trauma survivor, we’re so afraid of the sadness because...it would really feel like the end of the world.” (Amber, 37:20)
- Both note the irony that allowing themselves to feel sadness actually passes quickly, but suppressing it prolongs distress.
10. The Challenge of Self-Soothing and Tolerating Emotions (42:06-43:57)
- Amber describes distraction behaviors (e.g., shopping at Target) as attempts to escape grief.
- Laura likens this to the “freeze” response—a trauma mode where it feels unbearable to be in one’s own body.
11. Complicated, Ambiguous, and Disenfranchised Grief (49:00-54:07)
- Both explore the experience of grieving estranged or abusive parents—feeling invalidated, guilty, or ashamed for having feelings about the loss.
- Amber recounts her own reaction after learning of her absent father’s death: “I just felt really, really sad...there was no redemption to his story...it’s just sadness.” (Amber, 49:49–51:58)
- Laura: “These are ambiguous grief, complicated grief, traumatic grief experiences. It’s hard to make sense out of these things.” (54:07)
12. Finding Redemption & Generational Healing (54:58-56:18)
- Both highlight the possibility of healing—showing up for oneself and descendants in ways parents could not.
- “What your parents...couldn’t realize in themselves—there is you and your siblings and your children. And that is, you know, maybe that’s the redemption.” (Laura, 55:50)
Notable Quotes & Timestamps
-
On the purpose of public conversation:
“Our goal for having this conversation publicly...would be for others like us...to be able to recognize how it can be and to normalize that experience and hopefully give some reassurance that it’s a normal part of the process.”
— Laura Reagan (02:50) -
On memory retrieval after loss:
“All these positive memories with him that were kind of locked away...actually kind of surprised me, because you don’t know what you don’t remember.”
— Laura Reagan (13:41) -
On seeing parents as whole people:
“With my dad on the other side, I’ll say he’s able to be a complete person and not just like the dad I wanted him to be or that he wasn’t, that I wished he was...”
— Laura Reagan (17:19) -
On suppressed grief for estranged parents:
“My dad and I, you know, he left when I was young and...he was not a good person...it wasn’t like...grief came up inside of me right away. It was just like, he’s dead. And...I didn’t even allow myself to...be in touch with what emotions were coming up inside of me.”
— Amber Trejo (49:49–51:58) -
On generational cycles:
“So much of that I feel like was because of my mom. Because...she had CPTSD for sure and she just was pulling at anything she could to soothe herself, you know.”
— Amber Trejo (26:09) -
On the length of the grief process:
“At first, I totally gave myself a pass. Of course you’re sad...now it’s been a whopping four months, and I’m like, you’re still feeling like this?”
— Laura Reagan (46:29) -
On the healing power of small gestures:
“Sometimes all someone needs is for someone to just basically put their hand on their arm and go, ‘yeah, it’s gonna be okay.’”
— (Peter Levine, recounted by Laura Reagan, 44:25)
Timestamps for Important Segments
- Purpose of the Conversation: 03:54–06:07
- Amber’s Introduction: 06:07–06:52
- Both Describe Their Losses: 07:58–13:06
- Discussion on Memory and Grief: 13:06–15:07
- Amber’s Experience Finding Her Mother’s Journal: 15:07–17:19
- Compassion vs. Anger Toward Parents: 19:20–27:19
- Rituals for Processing Grief: 46:34–48:59
- Foreshortened Sense of Future (Trauma Symptom): 34:18–36:57
- The Fear of Feeling Sadness: 37:20–41:08
- Amber on Disenfranchised Grief (Estranged Parent): 49:49–54:07
- Closing Thoughts (Redemption in Generations): 55:50–56:18
Tone and Takeaways
The episode is compassionate, reflective, and validating—a safe space for acknowledging messy, contradictory emotions around grief and trauma. Laura and Amber model vulnerability, self-compassion, and the ongoing nature of healing, offering hope that facing grief honestly can yield new connection—to self, to lost loved ones, and to the generations that follow.
Key message:
You are not alone in complicated grief. Grief can unlock profound healing—sometimes offering what wasn’t possible in life—and naming these experiences lessens shame for both survivors and therapists.