“I STABBED MYSELF BUT NOW I'M CHILLING”

Summary

Therapy Gecko “I STABBED MYSELF BUT NOW I'M CHILLING”

Date: October 12, 2025
Host: Gecko (Lyle Forever)
Podcast: Therapy Gecko by iHeartPodcasts

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Overview of the Episode

This episode features two in-depth conversations between Gecko (an unlicensed, introspective "lizard psychologist") and callers Charles and Dustin. The main theme revolves around moving through personal crises, mental health challenges, and the ongoing journey of adulthood—underscored by resilience and the sometimes accidental beauty of survival. Both callers candidly share major turning points in their lives, touching on suicidal ideation, addiction, relationships, and changing perspectives about self-worth with age. Gecko uses his signature casual, empathetic tone to unpack universal struggles with humor and raw honesty.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Charles: Survival and Renewal After a Suicide Attempt

[02:12 – 27:20]

Charles’s Backstory

• Charles calls in from Ogden, Utah. He is in his mid-30s, has a steady job, a girlfriend, and has endured significant trauma.
• The conversation begins lightheartedly—discussing bulk paper towels, environmental responsibility, and his girlfriend's job at Whole Foods.
  • (“How many paper towels came in the bulk paper towel unit that you got?” – Gecko, 02:36)

Charles’s Suicide Attempt & Recovery

• Charles admits he stabbed himself in the chest with a knife a few years ago during a period of severe alcoholism and an abusive relationship.
• He describes the physical and emotional aftermath, including waking up in the ICU with major surgery scars and lingering numbness in his chest and arm.
  • “I got a big zipper for my belly button to my pubic hair... and a big scar on my back.” – Charles, 06:30
• He survived thanks to his ex calling 911 and acknowledges feeling profoundly different now: supported, in a loving relationship, and appreciating life (“Kicking ass”).
• He credits his girlfriend’s presence and love as pivotal in his recovery and ongoing mental well-being.

Ongoing Struggles and Growth

• Talks about his beloved dog passing away and navigating grief with the help of his partner.
• Discusses “adulting”—paying bills, having a full-time job, pondering kids, and increasingly feeling like an adult.
  • "I feel like the level of adultness that you are is directly, in my opinion, directly proportional to the amount of things external to you that require you to exist.” – Gecko, 13:09

Mental Health, Substance Use, and Existential Insights

• Recalls the hallucinations during his suicide attempt (a woman in a cheese grater), then waking up in the ICU.
• Charles now feels suicidal ideation is behind him after therapy and building new meaning in his life:
  • “Life's beautiful, man. Like, it's not worth...it's not your time when it's not your time.” – Charles, 25:42
• Reflects on sobriety, responsible drinking, positive use of psychedelics, and tattoos that remind him to “turn the other cheek” in hard times.

Notable Quotes and Moments

• "When you stab yourself with the knife, were you trying to kill yourself?" — "Oh, yeah, I was. I was trying to end it, man." (15:25)
• "I'm inspired by your existence." – Gecko, 16:56
• Charles gives encouragement: “Just keep your head up, man. You know, you got this. Even though it seems tough. You got it.” (27:13)

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2. Dustin: Embracing Change and Self-Acceptance with Age

[31:12 – 80:26]

Dustin’s Experience: Relationships, Growth, and Self-Reflection

• Dustin calls in at age 30 from California and recounts experiences with dating, personal change, and therapy.
• Shares a story about a relationship that became physically overbearing and mismatched in boundaries—prompting larger reflections on communication, compatibility, and self-awareness.

Adulting, Loneliness, and Internal Growth

• Recalls texting Gecko a year prior about struggling to meet women and feeling dissatisfied with being single.
• Says he’s found more self-acceptance and learned to “love what is”—by choosing to appreciate his life and body as they are.
  • “Just being more okay with just where I'm at... Why not just pick that?” (42:48)
  • Shares internal shifts rather than outward milestones as most important: “With just living life and trying things... and some, like, esoteric little switch when you're looking in the mirror and just going, I'm gonna choose to like that.” (44:09-44:40)

Navigating Past Relationships and Expectations

• Revisits longing for a deeply connected ex-girlfriend from Canada, realizing how formative intense connections can be to one’s standards in dating.
• “It became like a defining thing for what I look for in a romantic relationship is... the level of communication and talk.” (51:36)

Expectations, Aging, and Open-World Living

• Gecko expresses anxiety about aging; Dustin normalizes how much perspectives can continue to change even into one's 30s and encourages embracing possibility at any age.
• Shares an acid trip revelation about the open-endedness of life: “I love video games... we're living an open world game... I could run down there in my underwear if I wanted to.” (64:03)
• Both discuss the fallacy of “should”, the myth of guaranteed reward, and the paradoxical responsibility and freedom that comes with making one’s own meaning.

On Happiness and the Search for Meaning

• They dissect the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason,” agreeing it’s more comforting when looking backward for context rather than expecting cosmic planning.
  • “For me as a very anxious person, [it] gives me context… I can understand this now.” – Dustin, 73:34

Notable Quotes and Authentic Moments

• “Sometimes I look at my life and I'm like, what? Why? ... Why should nothing bad happen to you? … why should everything work out for you?” – Gecko, 66:14
• “Anything that pops in a brain is like, you know, nothing. Like it's... it's life and it's nature.” – Dustin, 68:07
• “I'll try to challenge that thought... My consciousness has spawned into this brain and this body for whatever cosmic reason... my job as a human is to care about my own happiness.” – Gecko, 68:35

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Episode Structure and Timestamps

• [02:12 – 27:20]: Charles’s story — alcoholism, suicide attempt, recovery, finding love, everyday adulting, and moving forward.
• [31:12 – 80:26]: Dustin’s story — navigating awkward relationships, self-acceptance, shifting perspectives with therapy and age, re-examining past relationships, making peace with uncertainty, and discussing the meaning of happiness, change, and “should.”
• [84:52 – 108:38]: Listener emails — Gecko answers fan mail about finding meaning, making changes in life and career, and handling guilt about privilege and loneliness.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes with Timestamps

• “I stuck a knife four inches into my chest last year.” – Charles, [05:29]
• “Life is beautiful, man. It's not worth, you know, it's not your time when it's not your time.” – Charles, [25:42]
• “How the fuck do you do that?” – Gecko, on self-acceptance, [43:19]
• “For me, it's just like, finding the love in what is my life and who I am.” – Dustin, [42:48]
• “I've had a significant relationship since then that... was definitely founded on, like, that kind of communication and talk.” – Dustin, [54:06]
• “You're not dead until you're dead, right?” – Gecko, [61:53]
• “We're living an open-world game. It's not a linear thing. Like, I have every choice available to me.” – Dustin, [64:14]
• “Should makes me claustrophobic.” – Dustin, [70:56]

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Episode Tone & Atmosphere

• Genuine, vulnerable, compassionate, and sometimes darkly humorous.
• Gecko (Lyle) balances heavy confessions with levity: not dismissing pain, but gently guiding callers and listeners toward seeing the possibility of change.
• Speaks directly to listeners about their own lives, validating struggles and existential “stuckness,” and reminding them of the reality and normalcy of pain, healing, and transformation.

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Final Reflections

Both main callers, Charles and Dustin, exemplify how meaning is carved from circumstances—sometimes despite and sometimes because of deep suffering. The stories reveal how life's lowest moments do not dictate its future, and how small shifts (finding a partner, continuing therapy, or just deciding to “like what you see”) can set the stage for hope and new purpose. Gecko relates personally, noting how these candid exchanges serve as “therapy” for him as well, and by extension, for the listener.

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"Just keep your head up, man. You know, you got this. Even though it seems tough. You got it."
— Charles ([27:13])

"If you as an individual decide, like, well, in my life what I'm seeing of myself, that is... the gold standard."
— Dustin ([46:10])

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This episode is a potent reminder that even the most fragmented and painful stories, honestly shared, can reassure others that healing, change, and unexpected chilling are always possible.

Transcript

[Dustin]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Dustin]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Dustin]

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[Gecko (Host)]

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[Dustin]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Dustin]

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[Charles]

Why is this taking so long?

[Gecko (Host)]

This thing is ancient.

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[Gecko (Host)]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Dustin]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Gecko (Host)]

Hey, what's up? Is this Charles?

[Dustin]

All right.

[Charles]

What was it?

[Gecko (Host)]

Oh, this is the Gecko guy.

[Charles]

Well, what the.

[Gecko (Host)]

What's up, man?

[Charles]

Dude, how you doing?

[Gecko (Host)]

I'm doing good. How are you?

[Charles]

I just pulled into the liquor store. I got done grocery shopping.

[Gecko (Host)]

How? What did you get?

[Charles]

I went to Sam's Club. So just bulk stuff like paper towels and sponges and shit.

[Gecko (Host)]

How many paper towels came in the bulk paper towel unit that you got?

[Charles]

I think it's like a 40 pack.

[Gecko (Host)]

40 pack? How long you think that'll last you, a year?

[Charles]

Probably like three months, four months?

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah. What are you using all those paper towels on?

[Charles]

I mean, my girlfriend has a really bad habit of spilling stuff, so instead of dirtying rags, she just likes to grab paper towels.

[Gecko (Host)]

Do you think the onus of environmental conservation is on the people or. Or on, like, the governments and the corporations?

[Charles]

I'm not a big paper towel person, but she needs them, so that's why I get them. Same with paper plates. I come home and there's paper plates in the cupboard all the time.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, no, I agree with that perspective. Anyway, Charles, Your name is.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

What's up, man?

[Charles]

So crazy. I've been listening to you for, like, since the pandemic. I got into you and then I showed you to my girlfriend and she listens to you every time you post a new one on her way to work because she works down. She likes. Works an hour away from where we live.

[Gecko (Host)]

Cool. Well, what does she do?

[Charles]

She's like a Whole Foods, like, manager person. She works at Whole Foods.

[Gecko (Host)]

Does she come home a lot with, like, stories of, like, people being shitty to her at Whole Foods?

[Charles]

Yeah, a bunch of like, homeless people too, because it's like, right downtown. A bunch of homeless people that like, eat all over the toilet seats and everything. It's pretty gross. Mean customers. I hear that all the time. Also famous people, too. Stranded at Charlie Day not too long ago.

[Gecko (Host)]

Really?

[Charles]

Yeah, it was pretty cool.

[Gecko (Host)]

Are you guys in Los Angeles?

[Charles]

No, man, we're in Utah. Oh, yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

What are all these famous people doing in Utah?

[Charles]

So, surprisingly, there's like, quite a bit of films that get filmed around, like, Salt Lake and in like, the mountains and stuff. And like, downtown, like towards Provo and a lot in Ogden. Like, Ogden's where we're from and like, Halloween's been filmed up here. Like, there's this Chevy Chase movie that was also filmed up here. Like a bunch of older, like 80s and like mid-90s movies were filmed in Ogden. Dumb and Dumber was filmed in Ogden and in Salt Lake.

[Gecko (Host)]

Charles, you sent me a bunch of texts. Can I read a few of them? Is that okay?

[Charles]

Yeah, that's cool.

[Gecko (Host)]

Oh, some of them are a little. Some of them are at least a year old, but I'll bring.

[Charles]

Yeah, dude, I've been trying to. I've been. I Downloaded twitch just so I could, like, get your messages, and then, like, I sit and watch, and then I'll call and I'll message. So this is actually kind of crazy, man. Like, not gonna lie.

[Gecko (Host)]

Okay. You know, I'm gonna. I'll just start going through the list because there's a lot of stuff here.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

Okay. You. First one you texted me was, I stuck a knife four inches into my chest last year.

[Charles]

Yeah, that did happen.

[Gecko (Host)]

What. What was up with that?

[Charles]

Let me go through the thought process of it all. So I was in a really bad place in life, and I was a severe, severe alcoholic. Like, I like to have a drink every now and then. Like, it's the weekend, you know, so.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Charles]

I like to have a little bit of whiskey here and there. But I was in a really abusive relationship with my ex, and she, like, beat the out of me and just kind of treated me like absolute. And I hit one night, there was just, like, the straw that broke the camel's back. I had a drink, like, a whole handle of Jim Beam, and then, like, half a big bottle of Benadryl. And I remember laying on the couch and just grabbed the knife, and I. I just kind of, like, I held it and then just stuck it deep into my chest. I got a giant hole, like, where it is, like, when I flex my pec. Like, it indents. And. Yeah, I woke up in the icu. I remember seeing this old lady, like, telling me, I can't leave. And I kept telling her to fuck off. And she's like, no, you can't leave. I was like, fuck you. And then, yeah, I woke up in the ICU with. I got a big zipper for my belly button to my pubic hair from, like, we had to go there. And then I got a big scar on my back where they had to take a piece of my lung out and everything. It was. It's pretty gnarly, but super gnarly. Yeah, I got a great girlfriend. Although she's very supportive and loving and wonderful person. So.

[Gecko (Host)]

So you were drunk. So you were drunk. And 4 inches is no joke. I mean, that's really. That's in you.

[Charles]

Yeah, it was. I punctured my diaphragm. And, like, it was. It was pretty. I mean, it's a giant indent in my chest, man.

[Gecko (Host)]

And you woke up in the end. So somebody called nine girlfriend.

[Charles]

Yeah, it was my ex.

[Gecko (Host)]

And do you still have, like, this was. Okay, so this was two years ago then, because you sent me the text here.

[Charles]

Yeah, this was almost Going on? Yeah, almost going on three years.

[Gecko (Host)]

Do you. Do you still have. I mean, I know you still have the hole in your chest. Do you. Are there any other, like, lasting things?

[Charles]

I'm like, kind of like. I wouldn't say paralyzed, but you know that feeling, like when you sit on your hands for too long or something and it goes to sleep and it's all tingly?

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Charles]

That effect is still kind of like underneath my bicep and like my pec and everything. And it's like super sensitive to touch. Like, my girlfriend will be like, laying on me and then like, touch it and it kind of like gives me a little jolty, like, going.

[Gecko (Host)]

You sound like you're doing better now than you were when you did that.

[Charles]

Oh, yeah, Wonderful.

[Dustin]

Man.

[Charles]

I'm kicking ass. I've been in my job for like five years now. I mean, me and this girl, my new girl, we've been together about. We're celebrating our two year anniversary coming up here in like, next week, so. That's dope.

[Gecko (Host)]

Cool.

[Charles]

We've been trying to do all the fall stuff.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Charles]

This is so crazy. I'm on the phone with the GH dude. What the.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, you got. You guys, like, you guys go to, like the pumpkin patch and she wants.

[Charles]

To go hit up a haunted house tomorrow because we got them local and like, corn mazes and that's cool.

[Gecko (Host)]

How old is your girlfriend?

[Charles]

She's 31. And you're about to be 32 next month, so early birthdays and. I'm. I'm. I'm 34. I turned 35 in May.

[Gecko (Host)]

When did you.

[Charles]

A little older than most of the people I hear on here.

[Gecko (Host)]

I feel like. I feel like There's a solid 18 to 40 range. Yeah. Going on.

[Charles]

That's true.

[Gecko (Host)]

When did you meet your girlfriend? Like, where did you meet her?

[Charles]

I met her on Hinge, actually.

[Gecko (Host)]

That's cool. I'm. I'm. Yeah, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

[Charles]

Oh, no. Yeah. No. She's originally from San Jose and she had moved out here because she, like, was dating some dude. And then she moved out to, like, Salt Lake to be with him. And then I guess he turned out to be a total dirt bag and was kind of a piece of. And then I was just. I wasn't dating women for a while after all that whole thing with my ex happened. I was kind of like, you know, here and there dating. But I had came across her on Hinge and we, like, met and hung out and we kept doing that. And then next thing you know, like we're sitting there talking and she's in a rough pot, like a rough patch. And I was in a little studio and she ended up wanting to always stay with me. And she kind of like gracefully moved her stuff in and I was like, I'm cool with it. I was like telling her, like, you know, I just got out of this nutty, extra like past relationship, so, you know, things need to be kind of. These are the ground rules of kind of how I am and everything. And she just, she was always there for me and just always caring and just whatever I needed to talk. Like, she was there. And next thing you know, it's like we're full blown living together and I got a bigger apartment in the same building that we lived in. And we did that for like the rest of my lease. And then just this year we moved into a new two bedroom. So it's a bigger place. It's actually a lot nicer. So. So, yeah, things are going great, bro.

[Gecko (Host)]

That's awesome. I'm, I love this. I love. I gotta say, this podcast is like, it's a lot of it is truly therapy for me because I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm terrified of like being. I'm like the idea of being on hinge in my 30s just. Yeah, sounds awful. But it worked out. But I'm like, okay, it worked out for you.

[Charles]

Yeah, well, I feel like, I mean, I'm not to sound conceited or anything. I feel like I'm a decent looking dude. Like I'm six, three, like £200. Like I got green eyes. I'm a pretty decent looking dude, I guess you could say so, but. And my girlfriend's beautiful, so like I said not to sound conceited or anything, but like the dating apps never really scared me or anything. I'm honestly worse talking on the dating apps than I am in person.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, I feel like that's probably most people.

[Charles]

Yeah, it's weird, like you don't have the full context of everything.

[Gecko (Host)]

Well, let's see. Okay, so I'm, I'm gonna keep going down the list.

[Charles]

Yeah, no, go ahead.

[Gecko (Host)]

You texted me, actually, you texted me all these on the same day. You said, my dog is 14 and I don't know how I'm gonna handle him passing away.

[Charles]

Yeah, we. He passed away in March of this year.

[Gecko (Host)]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, man.

[Charles]

Yeah, that was my buddy. I got him since he was a puppy.

[Gecko (Host)]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, man.

[Charles]

It was, it was really rough. And luckily Lorna was there with me, so she helped it with everything. And I got a nice little cedar box and he hangs out in the living room with us all the time. So it's. It's still rough. Sometimes I'll go through pictures and just like, look at all the fun times of him in the. In the river and just us hanging out. And we would go to the bars together downtown and every, like, all the patrons would just love him and he would just love everyone there. So he was welcome in all the bars downtown.

[Gecko (Host)]

How about this? I need some. Then you. Then you texted me this. Three months after texting me those things, you said, I need some advice about being an adult.

[Charles]

Oh, well, man, I'm barely remembering any of these, honestly. Well, I mean, are you an adult? I don't. We don't have kids yet or anything, so I don't feel like I'm adulting. Adulting. But all my bills are paid and I have a full time job and health and dental and optic, like, insurance, so I feel like I'm adulting enough at the moment.

[Gecko (Host)]

Mm. You know, you don't remember. Yeah, I mean, am I an adult? No, I feel like you're not a real adult. I feel like the. The level of adultness that you are is directly, in my opinion, directly proportional to the amount of things external to you that require you to exist.

[Charles]

Yeah, I mean, having a child is the biggest one. Like, I got two twin cousins and they're 24 and one of them already has three children.

[Gecko (Host)]

No, that's crazy. That's why.

[Charles]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's already living the dad life at 24. And at 24, I was a major pothead and also kind of a drug user back in the day. So.

[Gecko (Host)]

Are you planning on having kids? Do you want. Is that something you want at some point?

[Charles]

We have talked about it, actually, you know, because we're not getting any younger and you know, we're both set up pretty good with like our jobs and everything, and we always want to pursue better, like, routes and all that. But it's. It's been in the. It's been in the works talking about it and everything.

[Gecko (Host)]

Mm. Mm. What did you. Do you remember anything about what you said you needed advice on for being an adult when you sent this text?

[Charles]

I really don't, man. It was probably just one of those, like, I heard you and I was just like spam texting you.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Charles]

So it's probably just one of those stupid things.

[Dustin]

I don't know.

[Charles]

I honestly Never thought I would get a call from the get go. This is pretty nuts, man.

[Gecko (Host)]

Okay, I'm gonna keep going. You said my girlfriend is a witch.

[Charles]

What the. Yeah, I don't remember any of these. Yeah, she kind of can be. This was when I took mushrooms, though. I had ate like an eight thick mushrooms and she like came home from work and for some reason just like her whole face kind of like kept morphing into that old witch lady from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. You know what I'm talking about? With like the ward on her nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She kind of kept morphing into that. So I kind of. I kept calling her a witch that night. So I think this was around that time when all this was going down.

[Gecko (Host)]

You seem like you got a good life. You know, honestly, the fact that you seem like. For having gotten drunk and I got. When you stab. When you stab yourself with the knife, were you like. Were you trying to kill yourself or were you just like.

[Charles]

Oh, yeah, I was. I was. No, I was trying to. I was trying to end it, man. Like, I was. I was done. But then for some reason, that old. That old lady, like, it was so weird. Like, you know what, Like a cheese grater? A metal cheese grater.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Charles]

So you like flip it on its side and then look in it and it has all the holes and. Yeah, like I was. I was inside of a cheese grater. And then like at the end of it was like this old lady and like a black coat and I couldn't really see her face. And she kept telling me I couldn't leave. And I kept saying, you get me out of here. And then. Yeah. Next thing you know, I woke up in icu. So.

[Gecko (Host)]

Man, I. And what, this? You were like, you were 30, 31, something like that?

[Charles]

Yeah. So. Yeah, about 31. Yeah, man.

[Gecko (Host)]

And now you're. You seem like you're doing pretty well now. You seem like you don't want to kill yourself.

[Charles]

No, man, life's awesome. I mean, I've always thought life is beautiful.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Charles]

But, you know, it can be a. At times. I mean, when isn't it? It's like everyone has their problems. Like, I mean, we just. My mom's kind of going through a tough time right now. She's a. She just got out of the ICU yesterday and we went down and saw her in Salt Lake, so she's not doing so well. So that's another worry to my adultingness, I guess.

[Gecko (Host)]

But still, I mean, you're doing. You're doing I mean, all these things, right? I mean, you tried to kill yourself three years ago. 31. Now you're doing. Now you seem like you're doing well. You seem like you like life. You seem like you're not near doing that again.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

Your dog passed away, which was, I'm sure, tough but traumatic is still. But you're still here. You're still here. You're still doing it. I don't know. I'm inspired by your existence. I really is. One of the things I like doing about this show and maybe one of the reasons people like listening to it is, I don't know, I just, there's something really this, just something reassuring about like observing a life that's been, like lived and, and seeing it presently. Just to be like. Because, you know, when you're in that thing where you want to kill yourself, you really, you just truly are doing it because you, you, you can't.

[Charles]

I was over it, man.

[Gecko (Host)]

Like, bro, yeah, you just over. You just can't possibly imagine that there's a future in which you are. You don't want to, like, fucking kill yourself. And so it's.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

And it's just cool. It's cool talking to you and being like, oh, yeah, well, you know, there. That exists.

[Charles]

Yeah. It was just a whole conglomerate of things that led up to that. Like, I had just gotten back from Mexico and because I took a week vacation to Mexico down in Guadalajara or. Yeah, Guadalajara or something. Guadalajara, yeah, somewhere. Yeah, Guadalajara. And they only ended up. My job only paid me like three days of vacation pay. And I ended up flipping out and like walked out, which is the same job I'm still at. And I, I, it's funny, I didn't ask for my job back. My boss called me literally like two days after I got out of the hospital and asked if I wanted to come back to work. And I was like, well, I got a funny story for you. But just that. And then like, I didn't have a job at the moment and I didn't want to go on unemployment. And then I was drinking like a handle of whiskey a day. Like.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Charles]

And then just completely out of it. And I didn't have a car. I felt unmotivated. I felt just like a worthless piece of shit that was just like existing and just, you know, like after my ex was telling me that she was the neighbor and then she was this dude, and I'm just drunk as on whiskey. And I grabbed a big bottle of Benadryl, ate half of it and then finished it with the rest of my handle. And, yeah, I went in and grabbed the sharpest chef knife that I have, and I just. I sat there for a minute and contemplated. And contemplated. I was like, slashing it around my neck, so I kind of got some scars on my neck.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Charles]

And then after that, I just said it in, like, I, like, drove it into my chest. And. Yeah, I remember a bunch of blood coming out, and I said I called her name. And then next thing, I, like, blacked out and woke up in the icu, ma', am, so.

[Gecko (Host)]

But yeah, I mean, you tried to quit. Yeah. You tried to quit your job and quit life and you're.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

And you're. And you're employed and alive still.

[Charles]

Yeah, man. Kicking ass. Like. And I got a car now, too, like. And we got a cat. Our cat's pretty cool. She's an to me, but she loves her mom, man.

[Gecko (Host)]

Wait, so what's up with the drinking now? Are you. Are you sober? Are you still. I'm not heavy now and then. Well, where are you at?

[Charles]

Yeah, yeah. Like, when I'll get off work, I'll crack a couple beers. Like, I'll have, like, two or three when I get off work because I've been working, like, 10, 12 hour shifts for the past, like, two and a half months now. So it's like. Yeah, you get home, I'll crack a beer, and then usually on the weekends, I'll get, like, a little bottle of whiskey, and then I'll just kind of sip on it. Like, my girlfriend got these little ice cubes that when you fill them up, they turn into little bulldogs. So I, like, put it in a rock glass with my bulldog ice cube and then, like, sip on some whiskey and watch some YouTube or podcasts. You know, listen to music.

[Gecko (Host)]

But you're not. You're not getting dark with it.

[Charles]

No, no, no, no. Not anymore.

[Gecko (Host)]

That's good. Yeah.

[Charles]

Also, mushrooms have really been great to me as well, too.

[Gecko (Host)]

Right? Yeah. How often you do you doing the shrooms?

[Charles]

Oh, I went on a bender two weekends ago where I took, like. I took a couple grams because we went to a concert, and I didn't want to be all trippy, trippy. And then after that, I left and I went over to my homies and got more and then ate them. And then I think it was, like, the weekend after that, I took, like, 7 grams and literally had an ego death. And this golden flying eagle thing touched my shoulder and sent me on another trip to. I don't know where the it was, but it Was. It was enlightening. But, yeah, I've slowed. I've slowed down on it now because those batches were pretty intense.

[Gecko (Host)]

You know, I said this to the last caller who I like. Okay. For purposes of context, I'm probably going to put the. The person I talked to before you. I'm actually gonna probably put that call after this call when I put it in the podcast, but.

[Charles]

Oh, this is going in the podcast.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is going on.

[Charles]

Hell, yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

But it's dope. I said to him, I guess you'll hear it, because I'm gonna put. Yeah, after this thing. But I said to him that I'm. I'm a little bit more afraid of getting older than I'd like to admit. But it's. I don't. You're. You're 30. You're about to turn 35, right?

[Charles]

Yeah, 35 in May.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah. I don't know. I'm talking, like, talking to you and feel and hearing, like, your kind of, like, life transformations and that you're, like, you're here and you're, like, present and living and stuff. It's like. It's, like, calming to me.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

In a weird way. Does that make. Does that make sense?

[Charles]

Yeah, that's. I mean, that's great to hear. You know, I mean, I honestly think the. The way that I kind of handle things lately, it's gonna completely change after we do have children or a child. Like, I can't be going off on the weekends and doing mushrooms and. You know what I mean? Like, once a child gets put into the. The situation, I'm definitely gonna have to look at life a little differently. But I've been through so many experiences in life where, like, I've been homeless before, like, slept on church lawns, and I've gone through, like, a lot of addiction issues and, like, obviously alcohol and heavy drugs when I was way younger. And it just. For some reason, man, like, all you got to do is just. I got. I got a tattoo on each one of my butt cheeks. I got a smiley face and a frowny face. So, like, every time you start to have a bad daughter, a bad day, just turn the other cheek. You know what I mean? As stupid as that is, I got that when. Yeah, I was. I was going. I was like, it'd be cool to get a smiley face on one cheek and then a frowny face on the other. So if you're ever having a bad day, you just turn the other cheek.

[Gecko (Host)]

So what's your. What's your, like, mo. These days, what's. What's next for you in life?

[Charles]

Moving up in the company I work for is definitely on that. And then also I paint a lot. I've been on a painting kick late lately, so.

[Gecko (Host)]

Cool.

[Charles]

Do more paintings, hang out with the girlfriend, get outside a little more, and then, yeah, just keep living.

[Gecko (Host)]

Dude, are you in. Are you in Salt Lake?

[Charles]

No, we're in Ogden, Old town.

[Gecko (Host)]

Okay. Is that a. Is that big city or like chill town?

[Dustin]

Oh, it's.

[Charles]

It's a decent. I. It's better than Salt Lake. I'll say that everyone talks shit on Ogden because we have a dog food factory here and you can like smell it sometimes. And people call it the dog food town, but it's. Honestly, it's a pretty cool little city. Like, I just moved up here like almost 10 years ago, so. But yeah, I love it up here. She loves it up here. We got good friends. I mean, got good jobs. Like, we got a lot of people that we can just reach out to. And if you want to hang out, hang out, grab our kayaks and go to Kazi's because we got two big lakes literally like 20 minutes away from us, so.

[Gecko (Host)]

And when you did the knife thing, was that the first time that you tried to kill yourself or was there other times?

[Charles]

Yeah, that was like. I've had suicidal thoughts before. Yeah, of like overdosing and stuff. Like, you know, I could just go get some heroin and overdose if I want, but I don't know, just. I was just not in the right state of mind and some reason, it just felt like a knife was like that's what I had. It was sharp as. And I just wanted to end it and I felt like that would have been the quickest way to do it, but, you know, here I am.

[Gecko (Host)]

Do you have suicidal thoughts ever? Or are they gone?

[Charles]

No, they've been gone. I actually do see a real therapist as well.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah?

[Charles]

Yeah, no, she's pretty cool. So. Yeah, I mean, I've never. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in a pretty long time. Like, ever since my girlfriend and I have been together, they've kind of been non existent.

[Gecko (Host)]

Cool. Yeah, that's pretty sweet.

[Charles]

Yeah, it's been awesome.

[Gecko (Host)]

What do you think?

[Charles]

What do you think it was? Go ahead, what do you think? No, what do you think what was.

[Gecko (Host)]

Oh, what do you think it was?

[Charles]

Just the. No longer suicidal tendencies.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Charles]

Just the fact that, I mean, I have such good family and such good friends and an amazing girlfriend. I mean, people at my job that actually care about me and just where we live, like, we have mountains every, like, 360 around here. It's, like, so beautiful and just the leaves are starting to change. And, like, it's just. Life is. It sounds corny, dude. Life's beautiful, man. Like, it's not worth, you know, it's not your time when it's not your time. So.

[Gecko (Host)]

Cool. I like that. Thanks for. Thanks for sharing this with me, Charles. Thanks for. Yeah, for this talk. This was cool. I like to talk to you about this.

[Charles]

No, I appreciate you calling me, man. Like I said, I've been listening to you since around the pandemic. I came across you, and I listen to you when I'm at work, too. Like, I'll put on some of your episodes. And that dude with the hearse, honestly, pretty dope. Yeah, that sounds sick. And then also the train hopping guy, a big inspiration. That guy is. He's. He's a tough one, that guy.

[Gecko (Host)]

Is he? No, he's a bonafide geck legends.

[Charles]

Yeah, dude, that dude's a tough one.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, he's a bonafide geck legend. I'm getting, like, you know. Yes. From people I know being like, oh, I listen to that one.

[Charles]

Yeah, no, that one really sucks. So that was a wholeheartedly great conversation.

[Gecko (Host)]

Well, shit, I'm glad. You know, I say this too much, but, yeah, five years of doing this podcast, I'm glad to still be having good calls like this one. So I appreciate you sharing your life story with me.

[Charles]

Yeah, man.

[Gecko (Host)]

Charles, is there anything else you want to. You want to say to the people, the computer before we go?

[Charles]

No, just keep your head up, man. You know, you got this. Even though it seems tough. You got it.

[Gecko (Host)]

Hey, thank you, Charles. You have a good one.

[Charles]

Yeah, you as well, man.

[Gecko (Host)]

That was Charles. I liked Charles. I like. I, I, you know. Yeah. Sometimes it feels like I don't. I'm just. I don't know, I just like being candid, but sometimes it feels like kind of. It feels difficult to, like, do this show. It feels like there's like a oil, and it feels like oil and water. And then sometimes it just feels like it feels really natural and good, and I'm, like, inspired by it still to this day. I don't know. I. This is like a. I have like a nihilistic pressure in my mind, like, that tells me things like all work, like, all conversations have already been had or whatever, but I'm still finding. I'm finding a lot of inspiration being genuine. I'm finding a lot of inspiration out of the people that I'm talking to on here still, and that's good. I hope the people listening are too.

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[Gecko (Host)]

Ugh.

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[Charles]

Why is this taking so long?

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[Gecko (Host)]

Whoa, this thing moves.

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[Charles]

Hello.

[Gecko (Host)]

What's up, man? This is the Gecko guy.

[Dustin]

Hey, Gecko guy. Lyle, what's going on?

[Gecko (Host)]

Not much, brother. What's your name?

[Dustin]

My name's Dustin.

[Gecko (Host)]

Dustin, have we ever spoken before?

[Dustin]

Nope. First time calling in.

[Gecko (Host)]

Very good, very cool. You know, I'm gonna. I'm gonna tell a story real quick if that's cool with you. I tried to record this podcast yesterday and I failed. I. I was live for maybe five minutes and I got about two minutes into a call with someone and then something in my brain was just like, I can't do this right now. And so I. And I used to. And this. This has been happening to me the entire five years I've been doing this show. And at this point I just accept it as a fact of. I don't fight through it. Are you. Which one are you? Are you like. I mean, it's. Obviously, it's a thing that I guess you kind of sometimes have the privilege to do or whatever, but, like, do you. Do you fight through things or do you surrender?

[Dustin]

I guess it really depends on. On the thing and on, like, what's happening at the. At the time. Yeah, yeah, no, that, that's. It's fine. I. I was actually watching the stream when I saw that yesterday. Oh, you were? I was, yeah. And I thought it was really cool because I kind of. I was like, oh, man, is he thinking right now or is he, like, taken a beat? And I thought it was actually really cool that you, like, recognized where you were at and kind of, you know, very politely was just like, hey, I can't do this right now, but let me make it up to you and. And walked away from it. I think that actually ties in really well to the. The story that I wanted to share.

[Gecko (Host)]

You know what I. Dustin, you said your name was. Yeah, Dustin. I appreciate that. I do, because I felt. I felt bad. This happens to me. There's nothing. The worst thing that I have. One of the worst things I've experienced doing this is when, like, I, like someone, like someone calls in and I can tell that they're excited to be on the show, where to talk, talk. And I'm just. I just. I search inside myself and there's insufficient funds of energy. You know what I mean? That's the fucking worst. And I feel shitty when it happens. So I, I appreciate you saying that you appreciated that. So. So thank you. Anyway, I'm Going to stop talking about myself. I want to hear about the story you wanted to share.

[Dustin]

No, yeah, yeah, I'm glad you brought that up. So, so it actually, it ties in well because the, the end of this, you know, to jump to the end, I was seeing this person and was kind of on the fence but like, and like kind of not seeing it as being a big thing. But I had friends who are kind of moving me forward a little bit on like, hey man, like you sometimes cut things off before you give it a chance. I was like, okay, let's, let's try this, let's try this thing out and kind of, you know, focused on communicating what I needed from this person. And like the pace I needed to go at it seemed to be going fine until like all of a sudden there was this date that like was. She was just kind of like really focused on any kind of physicality which is like, you know, of course. Yeah. And that's nice. But when it's like progressively over a few hours going from like, like needing to hold hands at every second to like me communicating, hey, like can I just have a few minutes while we eat here? And then like, you know, by hour two or three, it was literally non stop. The only thing that was being talked about was like, hey, like I need a moment to just need a little space at the moment.

[Gecko (Host)]

This is, I'm so.

[Dustin]

Can I touch you?

[Gecko (Host)]

This is a first date.

[Dustin]

No, it was like week three.

[Gecko (Host)]

Uh huh.

[Dustin]

With like, you know, like one date a week and talking every day and.

[Gecko (Host)]

She wanted to always be touching you and you weren't into that.

[Dustin]

Yeah, just like in this moment where I was like, I want to feel this out. I want to like just kind of experience what this is and let things happen naturally. But then it was like, kept becoming like the, the stated communication, you know, and you're.

[Gecko (Host)]

And I'm sorry, sorry. Go ahead, go ahead.

[Dustin]

Just when it was like, you know, I'm stating like I'm giving reasons, you know, and stuff like hey, you know, I'm not crazy about pda. I'm not like, you know, never. Don't even look my way. I'm not like that. But I'm, you know, communicating like, hey, you know, I have some feelings about just like in public and like, you know, I don't want to be all over each other. But like hour three of this final date was like, you know, like, can I hold your hand? And I'm like, you know, I, I just need a moment right now. And let's just Talk. And I'm fielding, you know, questions like, hey, if, you know, money's not an object anywhere, where would you live? You know? And she's dodging the question to immediately ask again, well, can I hold your hand? And why aren't we doing this? And I don't understand. And I'm like, okay, let me share my feelings again on, like, you know, this stuff I've shared for the past few weeks and what I'm feeling right now in this moment that I would like to just kind of be here with you and see what happens naturally as you.

[Charles]

Okay, okay.

[Dustin]

Okay. But can I just hold your hand? And I'm like, oh, my God. Like, is anything even getting through here?

[Gecko (Host)]

Okay.

[Dustin]

And if I, you know, give an inch, take a mile, where I like, okay, well, let me just, you know, she really. She really wants this thing, so I just open it up, like, okay, yeah. You know, like, well, and if I, like, you know, come around this, the table here, and I give you a hug, I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm checking with myself. That's nice. Thank you. And then she, like, dives in to, like, lick my ear, and I'm like, whoa. Okay, hang on.

[Charles]

What.

[Dustin]

What the hell?

[Gecko (Host)]

So, so listen, listen, listen. I, I. This is your, well, third date with this lady? Fourth, Something like that?

[Dustin]

Yeah. Third or fourth.

[Gecko (Host)]

Okay. Are you a typically, like, are you typically a. Because everyone's different on this sort of thing. Are you typically a. Let's take it slow before we, you know, start licking ears kind of. Kind of guy?

[Dustin]

I generally approach it with, like, I don't know.

[Charles]

I'm usually.

[Dustin]

I'm usually the follower. Like, I'm. I'm kind of reading the person on how they want to play things and doing that. But for me, like, if we're talking, like, sex and, like, you know, first date or, like, what's the pace of it? I'm. I'm more like, I like the passionate, like, oh, my God, I just met this person. Holy crap. And, you know, let's see if we're compatible now. We. We are.

[Charles]

Great.

[Dustin]

Now let's spend the next few weeks, like, let's pace this out and let's, you know, let's see how we are in, like, a friendly context.

[Charles]

Not.

[Dustin]

That's not the right word.

[Charles]

But you're.

[Gecko (Host)]

It sounds to me like. Yeah, it sounds to me like you. You, you like to. You like to take it slow.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

And it sounds like this lady is ready to get down.

[Dustin]

Which wasn't the case until this date. Like, there Were. There were signs, and there was definitely, like, you know, other kinds of touch. But, like, it was. Yeah. At this moment was. Yeah. Was like a new level.

[Gecko (Host)]

Mm. I mean, that sounds like a. Hmm. I'm just going off of what my gut feel. It sounds like a. Like a. Like a pretty strong incompatibility, especially if you. Because if you said to her, you're like, hey, listen, I kind of want to take it slow. And she's like. And look, no fault to either of you, right? I mean, some people are like, that. They want to always be touching the person. They're so, like. You know, they want to always be, like, holding a hand or touching a knee or. Like, that's their way of. Like, that's their way of being like, okay, you like me. I. You. We can be talking about whatever, but the fact that you're touching me means that you like me, and if we're not touching means you don't like me. That's like a. A language. For some people that don't think that that's your language, that seems like it's her language. But, I mean, early on, that's a. Seems like a strong sign of incompatibility. How does it normally go on your dates?

[Dustin]

Normally? It's like, it's at a really nice pace, you know? Or it's like, because I'm not. I'm not. I'm not against it. Like, for example, when this first came up in conversation, we were out at this event. It was the first time where I was like, hey, meet some of my friends, and we're gonna go out to the show. And as we're at the show, I just kind of was, like, off to the side when we had a moment was just like, hey, by the way, you know, like, I'm not always nuts about, like, constant touch. And. And she was, oh, okay. Well, gosh, I. You know, I don't know how I feel about that. And, like, we were talking about a little bit, but then at the end of the night, she was like, hey, you know, like, when you said that, I wasn't certain that it was gonna work, but then you showed, like, throughout the rest of the night that you would, like, reach for, like, you know, hand on the knee, hand on the back kind of stuff. And I'm like, yeah, it's not. It's not that I'm against it. It's just that I like the freedom to be able to initiate that and to, like, kind of feel it out as it happens naturally. Not like, you know, we're walking from this room to that room, and you're like, hey, you have to hold my hand. I'm like, well, okay, let's just let it happen, you know?

[Gecko (Host)]

Mm. Mm. Okay. So, well, how's your dating? Can I actually. Well, it's funny. I called you back because you texted me, actually, a bunch of things.

[Dustin]

Yeah, I think over. Some of them are over a year or so.

[Charles]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dustin]

Over like a year or two. Every now and then, I'll. I listen all the time, but every now and then, I'm inspired to send something over.

[Gecko (Host)]

Well, can I bring. Can I bring up what you messaged me?

[Dustin]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Gecko (Host)]

You said, hey, Geck, I just turned 29, so. So you're 30 now. I don't know how to meet women. I'm interested in lots of close female friends, but struggling, meanwhile, being single is just not the fun time people keep telling me it is. Do you still. Is that something you still resonate with?

[Dustin]

Not really. I was looking at that text when I sent you the new one and thought, man, a lot has changed in the past year.

[Gecko (Host)]

Oh, okay. I'm interested in this. Tell me what's changed.

[Dustin]

I think the central point of it that I would ID is like, the. The internal change of, like, just being more okay with just where I'm at. And that's not like a surrendery. Okay. That's just, like, finding the love and, like, what is my life and who I am, and just like, hey, let's. Let's just love this, because that's can totally be a choice. And why would. Why not just pick that.

[Gecko (Host)]

How the. How the. How the do you do that?

[Dustin]

Dude, looking back, I don't know. That's, you know, one of those things where it's like, from one side of the threshold, it's like, how the do I get over here? And from the other side, you're like, I don't know how the I got here.

[Gecko (Host)]

Ooh, interesting. So you don't even know, but I ask you how the fuck you. I'm impressed by that because, like, to be. To be, like, really candid with you, I'm. I frequently try to get on that frequency, and it's. It's difficult. And you seem as though you were very. And I'm very. I'm fascinated because it seems like you were really not on that frequency a year ago, and now you are, and you're telling me that you don't even know how the fuck you got there.

[Dustin]

I mean, it's. With just living Life and trying things. You know, going to therapy a couple times a month, you know, making efforts to, like, get more stable in, you know, the logistical life shit. And then some, like, esoteric little switch when you're looking in the mirror and just going, I'm gonna choose to like that.

[Gecko (Host)]

Well, okay, stop me. Stop right there. You look in the mirror and you go, I'm going to choose to like that. Do you mean like you're looking at your face and you're like, I'm gonna choose to like my face.

[Dustin]

Yeah. Or like, you know, body image stuff sometimes has been. That's been a thing for me a lot of my life. And, you know, can become attached with so much spiraling guilt and anxieties about, like, oh, man, like, why the fuck am I not hitting the gym? And they really have four pizzas this week. And, you know, and, you know, spirals into, well, the jobs and relationships and all this other stuff that is so not actually related and is also completely like the whole waterfall starts from comparison, you know, it starts from, like, what I think I should be seeing or, like, what I should be living up to or something.

[Gecko (Host)]

So when you look. Just when you look in the mirror, when you look in the mirror and you're like, I'm gonna decide. Decide to like that. What are you talking about? Like, your body, like, you're like, oh, I'm gonna decide to like the way I look.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

And you found it. And you found it easy. And you found it as easy as declaring that. You decide that you like that.

[Dustin]

I mean, as a practice, over a lot of time.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

I'm not saying that.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, no, I know you mean. I know you mean.

[Dustin]

But I think it's like taking, like. Because, you know, we're obviously so inundated with how. Not just body stuff, but, like, how. How we're supposed to be based on, like, advertising and media and social media and all this stuff. But if you as an individual decide, like, well, in my life what I'm seeing of myself, that is. That is the norm. Like, that. That's the standard. That's the gold standard, you know, like, exactly what is. And what I am. Like, that's. That's the gold standard. You know, actually, I think that's like, I've been hearing you on some episodes recently bringing up that your thoughts on, like, the phrase, like, you are enough.

[Gecko (Host)]

Sure.

[Dustin]

And. And I'm totally like, I get you. I get your thought on it. About it's. It's proclivity to, like, leave. Leave. You were like, you can give up really easily or you can be like, I'm depressed, and what do you mean, that's enough. But yeah, I think. I think what I'm getting at is kind of the same idea, but just, like, phrased in a way that's. If you make who you are and everything about you, like, that's, that's the standard. Then there's, you know, that's.

[Charles]

That's the.

[Dustin]

You're leveling the ground to build everything on top of. You know, if you want to do more with that, great. But, you know, I. I can be a real lazy piece of sometimes and like, not build anything on that, but I can still be like, hey, this is. This is fine. Like, I'm staying alive and I'm eating food and I'm working at a job and that's great.

[Gecko (Host)]

I'm away, by the way. And, you know, the whole, like. Yeah, I have been talking about that a lot and it's a spectrum, I think. I don't think it's like a either or and an always never. You know what I mean? I don't believe in either or as an always nevers because, you know, sometimes you can. You are enough yourself into giving up, but then sometimes you can. You are not enough yourself into a spiral. And so, you know, sometimes life feels like a. Just a constant balancing act of all those things. But yeah, dude, you also said here.

[Dustin]

It'S like, I mean, yesterday, you're saying yesterday, where you got onto a call and then you checked in with yourself and you're like, hey, this isn't it. Like, that was you. That was you. You are enoughing yourself and just being like, you know, if you weren't. If you, you know, if you weren't making yourself as enough and you, you know, might have pushed yourself through to something that didn't feel right.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, I mean, I came to that. I logically came to a place where I was like, if I try to record an episode like this, it's just going to be shitty, so I'm just going to not do it. You know what I mean?

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

You said here. Oh, okay. How about this? I'm. I actually, you know what? I'm enjoying reading these texts that you sent me a year and a half ago because it seems you seem to be in a different headspace. And that's. That's an interesting thing to explore to me.

[Dustin]

Yeah. I never expected my text to the therapy gecko to be like a time capsule.

[Gecko (Host)]

Right. That's interesting. Yeah, you said that. Okay. You said I've been on the up from. This is from February of 2024. So this is a year and a half ago. I've been on the up and up from the lowest points of my life. I'm letting go of all the friends I've lost over the years. I can't stop wishing I could reconnect with my long distance Canadian girlfriend from nine years ago. Now let me ask you this. And we all have that, right? We all have a person where we're like, oh shit, was that, should that, should that have been more of a thing than it was? And now it's 10 years ago. Are you still thinking about your long distance Canadian girlfriend?

[Charles]

Oh yeah.

[Dustin]

Definitely shows up time to time. At the. I think at the moment that I texted it was like a real, like it felt like something was missing and something.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

In my brain like you know, subconsciously tried to put. There was looking for a jigsaw piece and that was her and was like, this is, this is the thing. And now she like. I definitely think about her a lot and think about all of that. It's not as much of a fervor as it was at the time, but it was definitely like a really impactful relationship on my life. And yeah, that I think about like what it meant and like what I valued in that and how I messed it up too.

[Gecko (Host)]

I mean you were what you were. You were 20.

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gecko (Host)]

What kind of impact did it have on you?

[Dustin]

The, the, the level of like connection and communication that was. There was not something that I experienced before in like, in a romantic level actually maybe at all. And now like. And that became like a defining thing for what I look for in a romantic relationship is like interesting. The level of community.

[Gecko (Host)]

Oh, we still there? Hello. Hello, sir. Hello.

[Dustin]

Hello. Hello. Hello.

[Gecko (Host)]

Oh, you're back.

[Dustin]

Oh, cool.

[Gecko (Host)]

Hi.

[Dustin]

That's funny. I was, I was hearing you the whole time.

[Gecko (Host)]

What were you saying? You were saying.

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah, I was talking about the communication with her and how that became like an important part. And I kind of don't want to pick communication because like I feel like that is just like that, that suggests I'm talking about like the, you know, like, like setting boundaries and doing kind of like the, the management work on a relationship. But I just mean like talking and like sharing ideas and like, you know, going for a three hour walk where you're playing out every possible factor of like a zombie apocalypse scenario and just like I just skim the talk and just like go way down the rabbit hole.

[Gecko (Host)]

So this person Impacted you in the sense that she set a standard for connection that you hope that you still, to this day are like, okay, this is the standard amount of connection that I desire from a relationship.

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

[Gecko (Host)]

And, I mean, in the. In the past 10 years. God, I saw. I'm afraid to. I'm actually afraid to hear your answer to this question. I saw this Instagram meme, and it's like, it was. It's not an Instagram meme. It was like a quote from a movie. Was it before midnight or after midnight? Maybe you'll know what I'm talking about. It's like this lady's talking to some guy, and she's like, people think that they'll meet many people that they'll connect with over their life, but the truth is it's only a few. You know, I'm talking about.

[Dustin]

Yeah, I don't know what that's from, but I've heard. I've heard stuff like that.

[Gecko (Host)]

So I. So in the past 10 years, have you found someone you've connected with as well as you connected with this lady in Canada?

[Dustin]

Well, it's different, right? I think it would be a trap. Not. Not that you're setting me up for a trap, but I think it would be, like, a disservice to myself to, like, try and rank it on a scale in comparison. Yeah, yeah, but, like, I've had. Yeah, yeah, like, I've had a significant relationship since then that, like, was definitely founded on, like, that kind of communication and talk. And I often wonder when I think about this. This girl from 10 years ago. I often wonder if, like, man, if it was that exact same thing here and now, would I actually. Would it be the same? And maybe not, but, like, I think just kind of looking for.

[Charles]

There's a.

[Dustin]

There's a weird, you know, indescribable feeling that's. That's attached to, like, knowing when that's sinking in. In that it's that level that, like, is what I look for in conversation and then, like, you know, talking to people and seeing what it's going to be. I met fantastic people who are great and, like, we spend time together, but I think that's one of the things that, like, gets. One of the things that gets me prone to kind of, like, chalking up what I think a relationship is going to be too early and makes my friends go, hey, like, just try this.

[Charles]

Don't.

[Dustin]

Don't cut it down before it starts.

[Gecko (Host)]

Oh, because you're like, I'm not getting what I feel like I used to normally be getting at this point in time, so I'm going to move on. But then you have, but you have people outside of you or check you where you're like, well, give it a second.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

Yeah, exactly.

[Gecko (Host)]

Ah, interesting. That's interesting. That's one of the, that's, that's like one of the prime things of. That's the. One of the prime conflicts of not only dating, but like relationships. You know, it evol. It's. It starts out when you're dating of like, eh, do I feel aligned with this person? Okay, if I do, kind of, I'll keep seeing them, but if not, I'll move on. And then it evolves. Then it's like, do I enjoy my marriage? Should I get divorced or should I stay? You know, I mean, that's the prime conflict, I suppose. And I don't know if you ever. I don't know if relationships exist where that doesn't come into question. Even like the best ones. I don't know if anyone ever gets into a relationship that they don't question. Maybe that. I don't know, maybe there's somebody listening to this right now. That's like, I've never, I've been with my, you know, boyfriend, girlfriend, eight years. I've never questioned it. That's what we want, right? Is you want something, you want, you want a. You want a whole life that you never have to have to question. You know what I mean? Isn't that like, you're like, I'm. Everything is great. I've never questioned anything ever. I mean, that's an insane level of that. Yeah, go ahead.

[Dustin]

I'm sorry, there's. I think there's a certain level of that that's like, that's. It's just too subjective for us to ever. Like, is. Is my green your green? Like, yeah, you know, I'll never know. Even somebody listening that's like, I've never questioned this relationship. Like, okay, like, are you usually an inquisitive person? Or like, what does questioning look like to you? Or you know, we might be going through the exact same process internally, but I'm just like, I, I'm pulling out pieces of it differently than this other person and analyzing those in a different way because I'm just prone to analyze the thing. My, my therapist will often say that I. Has inspired me a lot is like the, the point of a first date is to see if there's going to be a second one. And that, that carries all the way through a relationship, that it's all like, every day it's like, I know how I feel today, I have a guess about how I'm going to feel tomorrow, and, you know, a pretty good guess about how I'm going to feel for the next week or whatever. But I'm just going to keep renewing that all the time.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, interesting.

[Dustin]

Which might not be as, like, happily ever after as I know some people enjoy, but for me, like, I. I like that because I can get my hands on it better. You know, that's more. That feels more human to me. That feels more like. Yeah, like, we can't know.

[Gecko (Host)]

That's a lot of work. And a lot of people don't want to do that work. And that applies to things outside of relationships. Well, I think there's some, like, Alan Watts quote or whatever. That's like, you're under no obligation to be who you were five minutes ago. But that's tough. That's why. I think that's why a lot. I think that's why people don't think of it like that. Like that, you know, like, that can apply to any aspect of your existence.

[Dustin]

Yeah, right.

[Gecko (Host)]

Like, all right, if I don't like my life today, then, you know, I could change it tomorrow. But it's. But you get comfortable. It's a lot of work to. And it's no small. And I don't even. And I don't even, bro. I don't even know. I.

[Dustin]

Interesting.

[Gecko (Host)]

Like, I used to fudgeing be on, like, a motivational grind and be like, yeah, you should always do that work and not be complacent. But. But, bro, the older I get, the more agnostic I become to these things. I'm like, you know, maybe it. Maybe you should. Maybe it is better to just stay in the shitty. In the life that you kind of like. I don't know. I'm probably wrong. I'm probably. I'm probably. No, I'm probably. I'm probably wrong. It's probably. You probably should do stuff. You know what I mean?

[Dustin]

Well, it's interesting to me that, like, your phrasing behind it was about, like, mustering up motivation to change it tomorrow. But let me try this one on. What if. What if we're just naturally changing? Like, you at rest, like, sitting around playing video games, is that, like, there is changing happening because you're getting older and you're having more distanced perspective on events in your life? Like, we're just naturally changing? And maybe Valen Watts quote is not about, like, go fucking change. Like, I don't think Alan Watts is a rise and grind kind of guy. I think it's more like. I attribute it to more about, like, regret and, like, feeling embarrassed about your past self. Like, dude, if. If we had talked. If we had talked last year when I sent that, then they sent that text, and then you brought up the text from, like, a year and a half ago, I probably would have felt guilty about it. I probably would have like, oh, I.

[Gecko (Host)]

Lost you again, Dustin. He'll come back. They always come back. Hold on. We're gonna get Dustin back.

[Dustin]

Hello?

[Gecko (Host)]

Hey. Okay, what were you saying? If. If you. You were talking about if I had brought up that text from February. If I called you a year ago.

[Dustin]

Yeah. Yeah. So, like, when you say that Ellen Watts quote, it makes me think about, like, when you were like, hey, can we read some of these old texts? You know, there was a. There's an old part of me that was like, no, don't do that. It's going to be embarrassing. Like, that's not who you are anymore. But then I was like, yeah, fuck it. Like, let's. Let's do that. And I can own. Like, yeah, that's who I was at the time. And that's different now.

[Gecko (Host)]

I'm inspired talking to you because I'm. I'm about to turn 28, and I feel like I. And I probably talk about this on the show a lot, but I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I'm, like, you know, decrepit or whatever, and it's cool. And I'm like. I think I'm. I. You know, I don't like to admit it, but I'm a. I. I don't like to admit it because when I was young, I was like, oh. And, you know, whatever. Every. You're not. You know, you're not dead until you're dead. Right? But now I think now I'm getting a little bit older. I'm approaching 30. I'm, like, scared. I'm like. I'm, like, scared of getting older more than I want to admit, you know, But. But it's cool. But the fact that you turned 29 and you're like. You were, like, a little freaked out, and then a year later, you're feeling more Zen. I'm like, oh, that's like. That's, like, cool to me. That makes me feel like there's still time to shift and, like, I'm not gonna die tomorrow. You know what I mean? There's still time to shift and change, you know, because at 20, 27, you start to. Or, you know, yeah, I'm about to turn 28 and I start to be like, you know, I'm kind of aware of my own brain and I'm aware of my, like, patterns and habits and things. I'm aware of where they've got me thus far, and they haven't gotten me to a horrible place thus far. I'm doing okay, but part of me is like, oh, crap, you know, is it gonna keep going? If it keeps going like this, then I don't know where that leads. Do you know what I mean?

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's. And that's like, man, I. I think it's like the, the human, the evolved, like, pattern recognition that leads us to, like, you know, we're so prone to, like, see a pattern and try and analyze where it's going and to be wary of danger in the bushes. And maybe that's the thing that leads us to naturally just be like, okay, well, this happened before and this is happening now, so obviously this is happening next and I'm just going to be on this road forever.

[Gecko (Host)]

But it doesn't have.

[Dustin]

I have, like. It doesn't know. Absolutely.

[Gecko (Host)]

Go ahead.

[Dustin]

I. The first time I ever did acid, I remember sitting. Sitting on a. Was it Twin Towers?

[Charles]

No. Good.

[Dustin]

Jesus Christ. Twin Twin peaks in, In. In San Francisco, looking over everything. And I just had this thought of, like, I love video games. So I'm like, oh, like we're living an open world game. It's not. Not a linear thing to it. Like, I could. I could run down there in my underwear if I wanted to. Like, I have every choice available to me. I'm not, like, destined on this path to, you know, be the same person that I said I was going to be. I mean, I've had massive changes in my life. Like, inspired by, you know, I wanted to. I wanted to switch. I was like gung ho to be an actor for, like, the better part of my life. And then I hit a point where I was like, I don't think I really want to do this anymore. And it was hard to let go of that because I was like. I felt like I was dishonoring my.

[Gecko (Host)]

Whole life, but there's so much identity in there.

[Dustin]

Yeah, but I had to. I had to. I just had to recognize and respect the fact that, like, as soon as I finally allowed myself to, like. I remember one day, I'm toying it over. I'm like, not in a great place in my life. And so I'm like, having A hard time even considering it. And I remember one day just thinking, like, okay, well, let me. Let me put on this idea, like a hat. Like, let me just try it. Like, let me pretend for a moment that this is my new path. And as soon as I did, I felt all of this weight come off me, and I was like, oh, my God. Okay, I gotta do something. I gotta. I gotta follow that. There's something going on here, and I've come back around to it, and I've had friends that are like, hey, do you want to, like, act in this thing? You want to do this? Yeah, sure. Great. But, like, I, you know, sometimes think about, like, the inner child, and, like, what. What would that kid want to look up to and see?

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

And that's beautiful. But I think there's another side, which is the inner child is a child. And sometimes you have to go, hey, that's great, buddy, but we're doing something different now.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, no, yeah. You got to look at your inner child and be like, buddy, you're going to learn how the world works. You know, it's not going to. It's not going to turn out exactly how you expected it to, but, you know, I don't know. So this is a bad way to look at life, I think. But sometimes I look, bro, this is a bad way to look at, like, this. This creeps it. This creeps into my head sometimes where I'm like, this is just me being like. Because I want good things for my life, but I'm also. I try to be realistic, man. So I'm like, I do. And it also. It also goes against. Because I do believe in, like, manifestation, in a sense of, like, your thoughts become your words and shit, man. When did the therapy Gecko podcast become so therapy anyway? But sometimes I do look at my life and I'm like. I'm like, what? Why? I'm like, why? Why should nothing bad happen to you? I'm like, why should everything work out for you? Like, I walk outside in New York or like, I walk around, like. Like when I was in Iraq or like, you know, you just like, look, you see, like, everyone's kind of just, like, surviving and, like, living their life and, like, whatever. You're not, like, that special. And I'm kind of like, why. Why do. Why should I be amazing and everything works out for me and is awesome again, I don't think that's a healthy way to live life, is to think that way, because that's. It's really not productive. But I'm just saying that. That. That happens to me that that thought appears in my brain where I'm like, why work out for you all the time? You know, that's like a crazy expectation to have.

[Dustin]

I think it's super valid to, To.

[Charles]

To have this.

[Dustin]

I mean, I think anything that pops in a brain is like, you know, nothing. Like it's.

[Charles]

It.

[Dustin]

You know, it's life and it's nature. Like something pops in your brain. Okay. Like, it's not wrong, but like, how we choose to hold it and what we choose to do because of it, like, that's.

[Charles]

That's up to us.

[Dustin]

Those are things that we can make good and bad choices on. Yeah, I'm thinking about.

[Gecko (Host)]

Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead.

[Dustin]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Gecko (Host)]

I was just gonna say I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna challenge. I'm gonna challenge. I'm gonna try to challenge that thought when it comes up and just be like. Well, I'm gonna. I'm gonna counterpoint myself real quick and just be like, okay, the. Sure, you can think like that, but it's not help. It's not helpful. It's. It's nihilistic and it's not helpful. And you know, you've. Your. My consciousness has spawned into this brain and this body for whatever cosmic reason that I. It's beyond me, that I'm tired of thinking about. And so I'm respond. So if I only have one goal, it's for me to be responsible for my own. Like, I'm like, I. Like I have the bandwidth to care about my own happiness. And that's like kind of my job as a human. And so I, you know, it's. You should care about whether or not you hate your. You should care about whether or not you're thriving. Like, logically speaking, in the same way I come to. In the same. With the same logic I use to come to this conclusion that I shouldn't be happy. I can use to come to the conclusion that I should be happy. Does that make sense?

[Dustin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Charles]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dustin]

Yeah.

[Charles]

You're.

[Dustin]

You're flipping the. Flipping the switch. I think I go. I go through a similar process. I just, like. I don't. Don't do great with like, good. Like this. This grand good and bad idea in nature. I think that they're like placeholder words for things that are or are not effective towards a particular goal. Like murder happens all the time in the animal kingdom. And we're not going to say that's bad, but the reason we say it's bad amongst us is because it's not productive. It doesn't. That doesn't help things along. It's unequivocally not helpful. So I've. I've come to, like, try and train the word should out of my vocabulary. Unless I'm very particular about how I'm using it. Because, I mean, what is. What is should? You know, like, we may live in this society that's, like, structured around particular milestones and goals and metrics, Metrics of success. But, like, at the end of the day, I'm just an animal, you know? And so, like, what. What is should really?

[Charles]

There.

[Dustin]

I can be a good person, and I'd like to be a good person, and I will be a good person. But, like, should. Should is. Should makes me claustrophobic, you know?

[Charles]

Should.

[Dustin]

It's like, yeah, this would be an.

[Gecko (Host)]

Awesome testimony to give in court after you murdered someone. The way you said. The way you said I'm an animal. It reminds me. Go on, everyone listen. Go on YouTube and search. Hold on, I'm gonna find this real quick. Sorry to take us completely off. I think it's. Oh, it reminded me of search up Charles Manson. Epic answer. You ever seen that video where he goes like, yeah, the way he said I'm an animal. Yeah. Everyone on YouTube, search up Charles Manson. Epic answer. Like, an interviewer is like, who are you? And he does a bunch of crazy faces and you. He goes. And he goes, I'm nobody. I'm nobody. And you kind of reminded me of that just now. I don't think you would murder someone, though. You're. You're a nice guy, but I know, I know. I. I know what you mean. There's no real rules of should and shouldn't. You get to. Yeah, you get to kind of decide what they are. But then that's a. That's a. That's a big responsibility.

[Dustin]

Yeah. But, you know, there again, it's, you know it today and say, I promise to do it tomorrow and keep going from there. You got me thinking on. I always like to. To make the claim that there's the. You know, that for every. Everything happens for a reason, you know, and it's. It can be a real, like, thoughts and prayers of a statement. Sometimes it's like, well, everything happens for a reason. I think it's. And I think the. The. I think the main thing. I believe that it's been misunderstood. I think it's the exact same words but with a different connotation. Oh, I think it's not everything Happens for a reason. Like towards some end. I think it's everything happens for a reason. Like everything happens because of something. It's, it's, it's all about context. It's all like, you know, particles colliding with each other that create, you know, the, the Big bang. I don't know. I'm not well versed in this but.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah, you're saying every. Everything happens for a reason is a phrase that normally points forward but you're like no, I look at that as pointing backward.

[Dustin]

Yeah. Which isn't going to like, you know, that doesn't give you the cozy blanket of assurance that's like, well this bad thing is going to end up okay.

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah.

[Dustin]

As much. But like it does, I think like it for me as like a very anxious person. It gives me context. Like it gives me when I'm, you know, spiraling out there, gives me something to like grab onto and be like, well I can understand this now. And that might not be like cozy. It's. But I can get it, you know.

[Gecko (Host)]

Mm.

[Dustin]

Either.

[Gecko (Host)]

I don't. But yeah, I don't like that phrase everything happens for. Yeah, I don't like that. That feels. I don't believe in some form of like external cosmic thing that's like manicuring events to happen for certain purposes. I think that's bullshit. Yeah. I'm kind of one of those guys that believes that everything is like a complete like cosmic accident. I'm not like, I think like typical like when Saren. I believe. Here's what I like my. The whole like everything happens for a reason or like serendipity or cosmic this. I think that serendipity is kind of what happens naturally as a result of you putting forth some effort into the world. I think, I think I've said this before a lot and I, and I mean it. But I think when you like.

[Ad Voice 2]

Do.

[Gecko (Host)]

Stuff like the universe kind of rewards you and I don't. And not even in like a woo woo way, just like in a logical way. Just. Cuz like there's so much like. Because we live on a, in a world with so many like moving parts and so many different people and so much stuff going on that when you decide to like. It's like, it's like if the world is like a giant spinning tornado of like energy of like and like in, in the. It's like it's like the wizard of Oz. Like, you know, there's like chairs and Dorothy's in and the cat and the witch comes by and all that Shit, right? Like, it's like. It's a big hurricane of action and things, and you're, like, standing on the sidelines of it. If you toss a fucking ball in there, you know, it'll get swept up in the hurricane and. Or if you jump into the fucking hurricane, you're going to see some shit, you know what I mean? Like, you're. You just, like, so much kinetic energy is unfolding everywhere that if you just do something to, like, leave yourself and interact with it, something. Something comes back, you know, just a lot. Like, logically, I don't even. Like, what. So when I say, like, the universal words, you. I don't even mean that. And like. Like, it makes logical sense. Especially now with, like, the Internet ever. All of our, like, everything we do is, like, leveraged. You know what I mean? Like, you do one. You know, like. Like, if you, like. I mean, like, look at this podcast, right? Like, if I went. If I went out into the. Into the square in the 1700s and I just started talking, I'd. You know, I talked. I'd maybe talk to, like, three people, but we're going to have this conversation. There's going to be a few thousand people that listen to it, and it's leveraged, you know, so we live in a. We live in a crazy, leveraged world. I don't know if I'm. I don't know if what I'm saying relates to anything we've been talking about, but it was in my head, and I'm.

[Dustin]

It came up for some reason.

[Gecko (Host)]

It did.

[Dustin]

Yeah. I think the, like, the. I. I get really. On the perspective and how it's like everything that we are and everything we do and everything we know is reliant on perspective. And it's like the great shame. Shame's not the right word, but, you know, it's the great struggle of our existence is that, like, we'll never know true objectivity for something. So that tornado from, you know, God's eye, it probably is meticulously, like, intricate. It's. You know, you could. You could take that tornado in a simulation and study every single particle and, like, where it's going. And it all has, like, this path that, like, from outside of time makes sense, but for us, it's just like, I'm hopping in the damn tornado. I have no idea. I'm. I'm. I'm 1000% with you on the agnosticism. And that's exactly where I land on this stuff, too, is maybe there's an answer. It might be A guy in a cloud, for all I know. But I don't think I'm capable of knowing.

[Gecko (Host)]

Dustin. Yeah, this was a good conversation. I. Dustin, I'm gonna be honest with you. I. Yeah, like yesterday when I shut the laptop off early, I was, like, expecting that. I was, like, I was. I was kind of nervous. I didn't want to do this. I was nervous that this was gonna happen again. But I have thoroughly enjoyed our conversation. So I appreciate you being easy to talk to and. And fun to talk to and Cotton, you know, talking to me today.

[Dustin]

I appreciate you, man. It was great to get on and connect and share some ideas.

[Gecko (Host)]

Is there anything else that you wanted to say or talk about at all before we go or say to the people of the computer.

[Dustin]

Are you gonna go to New Orleans? Mardi Gras.

[Gecko (Host)]

When is that?

[Dustin]

Because it's in mid February.

[Gecko (Host)]

That could be kind of.

[Dustin]

It'd be awesome to party with a.

[Gecko (Host)]

Gecko, being a gecko at Mardi Gras. I am. I am Mardi Gras colors.

[Charles]

You are.

[Dustin]

Yeah, Just add a little purple flair. There you go.

[Gecko (Host)]

I've never been to New Orleans before. That's like one of the few major cities in the States that I just never been to.

[Dustin]

Beautiful. I've gone once, very briefly, for a wedding, and now I'm gonna go spend a whole week there.

[Charles]

I'm not.

[Dustin]

I'm not always crazy about, like, big crowd events, but once in a lifetime thing. Just gotta go. Go do it, you know?

[Gecko (Host)]

Yeah. I'm gonna try to flash my tits and get some beads.

[Dustin]

I. I literally did that last time I was there. It was. It was very effective.

[Gecko (Host)]

Beautiful. Wait, you. So you went to Mardi Gras before it?

[Charles]

No, just.

[Dustin]

It was just. It's still New Orleans.

[Gecko (Host)]

They just wait. They just do that year round.

[Dustin]

I guess.

[Gecko (Host)]

So.

[Dustin]

Yeah. Just some guys on. On a balcony in the French Quarter.

[Gecko (Host)]

All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna test that.

[Dustin]

Oh, yeah, well, if you go, text me. Great to party.

[Gecko (Host)]

Thank you very much for calling, Dustin. I'll see you around the universe.

[Dustin]

Take care.

[Gecko (Host)]

That was Dustin. Nice guy. I liked Dustin. Do I have any other post call thoughts? Mardi Gras could be fun. Yeah. That whole thing about, like, having like a L having like a love from a long time ago. I'm curious, do you guys have. Tell me in the. In the comments, do you guys still have, like, exes or loves that you think about from, like, a long time ago? It's interesting. I didn't really get to talking about this, but, like, 20 to 30. That's such a huge fucking change. But yeah, I'm curious if anyone else has like loves like that like from like a long time. Everyone has, you know, people like who've kind of come in and out of their life and shit. But any, you know, like from anyone they just really haven't talked to in a while, they're like, I wonder how they're doing. Yeah, let me know. I'm curious.

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[Gecko (Host)]

Ugh.

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[Charles]

Why is this taking so long?

[Gecko (Host)]

This thing is ancient.

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[Charles]

Whoa.

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[Charles]

Hello.

[Gecko (Host)]

Okay, I'm gonna keep doing this thing where I, I'm trying to make the episodes a little longer. I know that there's been a lot of ads in the podcast. I'm aware of that. I'm trying to make the podcasts longer so that it feels like you're, it's, you know, it feels like you're getting some podcast with your ads. Um, so I'm enjoying doing this thing where I, I read the viewer mail at the end of the podcast. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna read a, a, a a little handful of viewer mail to bring us on home before we go. I'm also still hyped up. I had a Vyvanse and a coffee and so I feel if there, if I were ever in a mood to rant into a microphone about nothing, it would be now. So I'm gonna take advantage of this. Okay. This is from Calum. Subject line, Fear and Loathing in Barnsley. Hi Geck. I hope life is treating you well. My name is Calum. I'm 29 from Barnsley, South Yorkshire in England. I wanted to reach. Nah, I'm not going to do that. I wanted to reach out as I've been going through some real therapy recently as I was struggling with some self image issues and grief from both grandparents dying and a relationship ending a few years ago. However, I still find myself wondering what's the point in life? I genuinely question myself and wonder why I'm going to work at times. Not from a depressive point of view, but, but more so what do I want to do with my life? I feel like I've got the world at my feet and I don't know where to jump. Over the past few years I've been. Well, my whole life. Recently I've been into cars and track days. Track days are where you drive your car around in circles on a racetrack all day. Whilst. I like this use of whilst. Whilst it is extremely fun and was my sole motivation for a long period of my life, I now wonder if it's been worth it. I've managed to buy a house which I know is a real achievement in 2025, but still feel little achievement for it and go on vacations around the hobby, visiting the Nurburgring in Germany a few times as well as going on car related trips. Okay, I'm gonna google what Nurbaring is. Oh, then it's like a big ass. Well, holy fucking shit. It is a hundred and fifty thousand person capacity motorsports complex. That's crazy. That's cool. It's good to have a thing. You gotta have a thing. I mean, I'm not a fan of. I don't.

[Charles]

I.

[Gecko (Host)]

You know, it's good to have a thing. I don't need to. I was gonna say I'm not a fan. I don't like fast cars, they scare me. But whatever. This guy's got a thing. It's good to have a thing. Especially if the thing gets you around people and you know. Visiting Germany. Okay, back to the email. I have a feeling that I need to travel more and experience more of life and people. But doing this I struggle as I'm a single guy and it's hard convincing friends to come along when the price for trips can be high. I'm lucky enough that I get to travel around Europe for work and I have been to pretty much every part of Germany with this. But I still find myself wanting to look further afield. So much so I'd argue it's my favorite country to visit. That's cool. I've also started riding mountain bikes and I love the feeling it gives me when I'm out on the trail and the bonds I share with the friends I do it with. I feel like I want to leave the car stuff behind as the guys I know from it can be wankers. Even though I like them, but they do drag me down at times. I've distanced myself from them because but feel like I've spent less and less time with people. But on the other hand, I feel like the time I am spending with people is Worthwhile and truly enriching my life. Am I just being a drama queen or do you see where I'm coming from? I feel like I'm being a typical privileged person and crying about doing things I enjoy. Cheers. And keep up the good work. If you ever find yourself wanting to visit Yorkshire and need a place to stay, I'm your man.

[Charles]

The.

[Gecko (Host)]

Thanks, Calum. Thank you, Calum. This a nice invitation. Well, first of all, listen, here's the thing about you being a. A drama queen and whatnot is like, listen, everyone's life is relative to theirs, and I've done this thing in my own life where I'm. I have the same thoughts as you where I'm like, am I being a drama queen? Whatever, Whatever, whatever. Listen, completely denying the existence of any of your feelings because there's people with worse feelings out there is. It's good to acknowledge that you have it good and whatnot. But at a certain point, it's just like, you know, you're just beating yourself up. It's not, like, helpful. It's like I fucking said to the caller earlier where I was like, shit, hold on. I fucking was going to make a connection and it just left my brain. Oh, yeah, it's what I said to the caller earlier where I was like, I'll have this thought in my head where I'll be like, why should I be happy? Or this or that, the other thing. And I don't think that's a productive. I have that same thought, and I don't think it's a productive thought to have. So I'm gonna say to you that I don't think it's a productive thought to have. There's definitely people out there who do. Who I think do need to kind of have some. And it's helpful to have some, like, perspective and be like, well, you know, it's helpful to have some perspective, but you're feeling a thing, and I think, you know, good to. It's okay to validate your own feelings. Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts about this. Yeah, it can be tough if you're, like a single guy and you want to go do shit. And, you know, you're. You're kind of navigating like, bro, this is the. This is the. The lone wolf ponderer versus the. The social butterfly kind of a thing, you know, and clearly you've met a lot of friends doing this car stuff. But there also comes a time where you have to look around the people you're with and be like, wait, are all my Friends, fucking complete assholes. And it's hard, cuz sometimes you're for all. Sometimes you look around and you're like, oh, shit, all of my friends are complete assholes. But they're there, you know, if I call them, they pick up. Are you. Are your asshole friends at least there? Because we all have people in our life who were like, yeah, this person kind of sucks, but, you know, I love them. They pick up the phone when I call them. They're. Who's around, they're in my life. They're not like, you know, you know, you have people who are kind of like on the peripheral and like, they kind of have their own life and they're doing that and you see them. And if those people are assholes, then it's like, well, that's. Who cares? You know, I'm not, I'm not gonna go out of my way to be friends with someone like that. But then you have people who are like, like, you know, they're like, in your life, you see them like kind of every day. You talk to them, like kind of every day. They're up to date on you and your existence. And maybe those people are kind of assholes, but those people are kind of like, you know, we all have like a. Someone who's kind of an asshole, but like, they're in our life, you know. I don't know if anything I'm saying is helpful, but. Hmm. I empathize with a lot of what you're talking about, Calem, in terms of, like, you know, you want, you want so much out of life, but you're also. You want a lot out of life. And that kind of isolates you in a way. And you're like, should I continue to isolate myself and go on this, like, journey, or should I kind of hang back and, you know, spend time with these wankers? I get what you mean. I'm kind of on the side of taking the journey, I think. You know, you're 29. You're not getting any younger. I'm always on the side of taking the journey. Even if you have to do it alone. I feel like you're, you're always gonna be glad you took the journey. If that's what this email is about. If this email is about, should I take the journey alone or not? I kind of. I usually think it's best to take the journey alone, especially because, again, you're not going to, you know, you're only going to get. It's only ever going to get harder in life to take These journeys, it's only ever going to get more difficult. I mean, listen to the fucking. I mean, look at. You're 29, right? You could, you, in two years, you could have a life where you travel around Europe alone for two years, get really depressed, try to kill yourself, and then at 35, you're like, with your beautiful girlfriend and you have a cat and everything's okay. You know, like life, life. Life works weirdly like that because you only ever know it looking back. But. Yeah, I don't know, after, like talking to a bunch of people and seeing like how people's lives kind of work out, you know, it seems like it can kind of take a lot of different turns. And so, I don't know, I'm with you on jumping, you know? Yeah. If you're wondering what the fucking point of life is, it seems like you. You gotta jump because I get like that too. Every fucking time. Every fucking time. I'm like, just like on my couch with my face down. I'm in my underwear, I'm laying around in trash and I'm like, I think I'm dying. That's me, like, like multiple times a week. I'm like, I think I'm. I think this is it. I think I'm done. I think I'm dying laying around in trash. And then I'm like, okay, I gotta go. I gotta. I gotta go do something crazy. And then I go. And that's, that's why, that's why I went to Iraq is just to be like, I gotta, I gotta remind myself I'm alive in some way, shape or form. And by the way, you don't know. You don't. You don't have to go to Iraq or go to Germany or go whatever to do that. You know, you can do any little thing that gets you out of your existence to do that. But Caleb, whatever it is that you can do to like metaphorically splash some water on yourself, it doesn't have to be a big thing. You don't have to, you know, cure cancer or whatever, but just make a little list of whatever you think you could do to kind of spiritually splash some fucking water on yourself and remind you that you're not dead is good. I hope that was remotely helpful. Okay, this is from Zach. Subject line, Help me decide. Yo, Mr. Geck, I'm 23 and I'm working a decent county job that's easy and routine. It's the best quality job I've had, but it's soul sucking and I can't See myself doing it forever. I've been thinking about going to community college for game development because I love the idea of making games and could see myself doing that happily. I spent almost a year making my first game to test. If it was just a phase, it's not great, but I'm proud of finishing it. Since then, I've fallen off and struggled to stay consistent on my own. Part of me feels like the structure of school could finally give me the discipline I'm missing. What's holding me back is worrying that a community college game dev program might not actually be that worth it. It's an. It's an industry where people kind of lean against going to college and it's more about your portfolio and knowledge. I'm afraid to potentially waste the money I've saved up because it took me a long time to build. Another thing. Holding me back is a classic fear of failure. So what do you think I should do? I wouldn't be able to do both at once. I have more thoughts, but this is too long. Why can't you do both at once? Is it just like. Is it just like that crazy of a job that it's like fucking like. Is it like an A? Is your county job like 80 hours a week? P.S. here's my first shitty game if you're curious. Okay, I'm gonna play this. Is this like a browser game that I can play? Infernal Ascent. Infernal Ascent is a fast paced vertical platformer where the player must rush against the heat to finish. Climb through a hellish gauntlet of fire, darkness, and deadly traps. As the flames rise beneath your feet. There's only one way to survive. Up. Okay, I'm gonna. I don't know how great of an audio experience it will be to listen to me play this game, but I'm gonna play it. Okay. Run game. Okay, this is on the Got it. Game engine. I'm gonna try to live speak myself playing this game. Okay, I'm hitting play. Okay. What the. Wait. What the fuck? Okay. Wasd. Okay, Okay. I died. I'm engulfed in flames. Okay, I'm trying again. I don't know if this is gonna make for a good podcast, but I'm. I'm playing this game. I'm collecting coins. I'm jumping. Fuck. All right. I died in flames again. Okay. I'm dressed as a little character that. He kind of looks like a Cyclops. I'm collecting a coin. I don't know if people can hear the. Oh fuck. I died again. Okay, alright. Honestly, already I Don't know, I just. I like platformers. I'm a big fan of, like, Mario Maker and Super Meat Boy and shit like that. So I'm already addicted to this, I guess. To answer your question, while I'm playing your game. Wait. Fucking. Okay. All right. I don't know a lot about the game. Shit. Fuck. I don't know a lot about the game development. Okay, you can, like, climb walls? Is that what this is? Okay, I fucked up, but can you climb that? All right, anyway, I'll play more of this when I'm not recording a podcast, but. Well, so here's the thing is, I guess the community college. Yeah, I. Well, I lean against going to college for, like, this, only because, like, I mean, you made a game, right? And we live in a world where if you want to make money making your own video games, you can do it. But, like, I don't. This is not an industry I know a lot about, but it's like, you. You know, there's fucking Steam. There's never been a. There's Steam. There's never been like, an easier universe to just like, make a game and have people play it and, like, you know, make your games and market them and, like, I don't know how people make money doing that. And I don't know if it's like, I don't really know what the deal is, but this is like, you're starting a business, right? And so if I were you and I wanted to. If I were. If. Here's the thing, if I were you, I would take the risk. I don't know how I feel about game development college. It's. It's similar to how I feel about, like, film school, which is like. I mean, you can spend like. Like there's programs out there that's like, yeah, you can totally spend like, hundreds of thousands of fucking dollars to go to film school. And it's like, bro, with the money, like, let's say I don't know how much this community college program is. If it's like, I don't. I don't. I don't know how much community college programs are, but let's. I'm going to throw a number out there. Let's say it's like 50 grand or some, right? If you're about to spend 50. If you. I think the idea of you spending the money, of you investing the money that you've saved up into your game development career is a good idea, but I don't think that game development school is the best way to do that because, like, you know, again, I don't know anything about the game industry, but, like, you know, it costs money to make a game. I'm sure it costs money to market a game. Like, I would just, like, you know, making. I mean, think about all those filmmakers who are like, I didn't go to film school. I spent the money I would have spent going to film school to actually make a movie. And so if I were you, if I was going to do this, I would spend that. I would allocate that money on making the game. Don't waste all. Don't spend all of your money on it. Like, like, you don't want to, like, set aside some money, like, what, like an emergency fund and, like, make it so that you're not, like, fucking kicking yourself for this. But, like, you know, it's okay to spend a little bit of money to be like, I'm gonna. I have this game idea that I want to really throw myself into marketing and making and doing. So I don't think it's a bad idea. But spend as little money on it as you can, right? I mean, how much you have the software already to make the game. I don't know how much money it costs to, like, market something like this or to, you know, run ads or, you know, like, I don't. I don't know. I don't know what's involved in it, but I. But you should go for it in some sense because. Because, you know, you're so young. Like, you can always get another job. You know, it's worth it to try. I think it's worth it to try. And you don't have to go broke trying. And I wouldn't go. Try to go broke trying, but.

[Charles]

I.

[Gecko (Host)]

Don'T know if I'm just diarrhea, but I think it's worth it to try because you're 23. You can just always get another job. I'm. I'm not a big fan of going to community college for game development. I think if you're gonna spend that. I think you don't need to spend that kind of money. And I think if you're gonna spend that kind of money, I think there's better ways to allocate the funds. I like your game, the Infernal Ascent. Is this your website? Tiso. I want to get. I want. If. If. Okay, if people. I want to share your game on the show. If anyone wants to listen, if anyone wants to play it, but it's a little hard to. Okay, okay. So you're if you want to play this guy's game, you go to Tyco. That's T I E S I o dot itch dot IO slash, Infernal Dash Ascent. If you want to play this guy's game. I like, I like. I like. Your game. Should make more games. Keep going, Keep going. Zach. All right, I think. I think we did it. Unless if I have one more. Okay, I have one more email. Okay. This is from Shark Inquiry. About episode themes. I was wondering if every once in a while you could do an episode without sex or love themes. There are a few, but sometimes it can be a lot and bring back bad memories. The train hopping and distant dad stories were instant favorites for me because they were more about growth than decay. Thank you for your time and consideration. I appreciate everything you do. Geck. Bless.

[Charles]

Mark.

[Gecko (Host)]

I don't. I just kind of. Well, actually, I guess this whole episode was a lot about love. Yeah, this whole episode was about love pretty much. So you're gonna be very disappointed when it comes out, but I just feel the call. I just feel the calls that come in. Brother, listen. Don't ask. Don't, don't. Don't ask me, brother. Ask the universe. The universe is making the people want to talk about the things that they're talking about. I got no control over that. But I think. I don't think. But the way you said, the way that you're implying that a lot of the episodes are about decay rather than growth, I disagree. I mean, I think this entire episode was about growth. Our boy from the beginning, Dustin and. Fuck, why am I forgetting Dustin and Charles. Dustin and Charles. I think both of them are like. I Like those are both stories of growth to me. And, you know, I feel like a lot. I feel like most of the time when people call into this show, it's like a story of growth. It's one of the reasons I like. I like doing it just because it. It's helpful to me to, you know, see other people, especially people who are, like, a little older than me, because I get scared about, like, you know, decaying. But it seems like a lot of people that get older, they don't grow. They don't decay. They grow. It's just nice. So I don't know. I hope you see that, mark. All right, that's the end of the podcast. I'm gonna go. Thank you guys for listening. I think I'm gonna. I might do an ir, I don't know, but I'm gonna do an. I haven't done an IRL episode in a bit like people don't like to listen to them as much. It seems only by numbers, but I like doing them. They're fun. It's fun to go out as a gecko and talk to people in real life. So I'm gonna do it again. I hope you listen to it. I hope you like it. I'm still working on my Iraq video. I haven't started it yet. I'm trying to do one. I trying to do one documentary a month. I was in Iraq for a bit, then I got sick. So I don't know if I'm gonna get this fucking thing done on the timeline that I want to get it done, but I'm gonna get it done and it's gonna be sick anyway. Okay. All right, I'm gonna stop talking. Thanks for listening, Geck. Bless. See you next time.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Dustin]

Ever heard a story so unbelievable it.

[Gecko (Host)]

Just had to be true?

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[Dustin]

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[Gecko (Host)]

This is an iHeart podcast.