“I USED TO BE TROUBLE”

Summary

Therapy Gecko - Episode: “I USED TO BE TROUBLE” Release Date: June 22, 2025
Host: Therapy Gecko (iHeartPodcasts)

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Episode Overview

In the “I USED TO BE TROUBLE” episode of Therapy Gecko, the unlicensed lizard psychologist Gecko engages in deep, introspective conversations with callers Erica and Otter. These dialogues delve into themes of personal struggle, growth, mental health, and the transformative power of relationships and self-acceptance. The episode offers listeners a candid exploration of overcoming adversity and finding hope amidst chaos.

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Conversation with Erica [02:15 – 54:12]

Background and Upbringing in Bakersfield

Erica opens up about her tumultuous upbringing in Bakersfield, California, highlighting exposure to gang culture and family instability.

• Erica [04:27]: “My high school, everything was gated, and you had to call security to take you to the bathroom because people were setting trash cans on fire or fighting.”

Erica describes a chaotic family environment with an uncle constantly in and out of prison and frequent domestic disturbances.

• Erica [05:03]: “All of my family is, like, always in and out of prison. Ghetto stuff like that was my normal.”

Military Service and Medical Discharge

Seeking an escape, Erica joined the military, serving six years as a helicopter mechanic aboard aircraft carriers. Her time in the military was a period of significant personal growth until she faced a medical discharge due to a brain condition.

• Erica [06:02]: “I had a blast. I was a helicopter mechanic... traveled the world.”

• Erica [07:00]: “I have this brain condition where the veins at the bottom of my brain are narrow, causing pressure and migraines.”

She shares the arduous process of being medically discharged, involving medical boards and extensive paperwork.

Transition to Civilian Life and Education

After leaving the military, Erica worked as an office manager for a problematic pool construction startup but eventually lost her job due to financial mismanagement. She then utilized VA benefits to pursue a bachelor’s degree in health science alongside her husband.

• Erica [10:06]: “I started to use my VA benefits to go to school. I'm pursuing my bachelor's in health science.”

Family Relationships and Personal Struggles

Erica discusses her strained relationships with her parents and sister. Her father cut off contact during her medical discharge, and her sister actively sabotaged her happiness, leading Erica to sever ties.

• Erica [15:51]: “My dad called me and was like, I never want to speak to you again.”

• Erica [16:33]: “My older sister... tried to sabotage my happiness.”

Mental Health and Coping Mechanisms

Erica reveals her battle with crippling depression, exacerbated by past trauma and recent realizations about her childhood. She highlights the positive impact of antidepressants, therapy, journaling with ChatGPT, and somatic yoga in her journey toward healing.

• Erica [20:21]: “I have this amazing life, but it's still so hard to be in the moment.”

• Erica [42:44]: “I was doing the ChatGPT and journaling and that's been amazing.”

Shift Towards Positivity and Future Goals

Erica shares her aspirations to become a stay-at-home mom, made possible by an agreement with her husband to complete their education first. She credits her relationship and newfound mental stability for her positive outlook.

• Erica [12:02]: “I want to be a stay-at-home mom after. We both are pursuing our degrees together.”

• Erica [20:35]: “What consciousness comes into a body... I believe there are different dimensions.”

Notable Quotes

• Erica [12:27]: “The first time I hung out with him, there was fireworks, it felt like a movie.”
• Erica [38:12]: “I want to be a parent and do some shit.”

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Conversation with Otter [56:23 – 98:34]

Personal Struggles and Turning Point

Otter, a 31-year-old software engineer, discusses his battles with shyness, anxiety, depression, and the devastating loss of his mother to cancer. He describes reaching a critical point where he recognized the need to seek help.

• Otter [58:00]: “My mom was diagnosed with cancer, and she passed away 11 months later. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through.”

Journey to Recovery

Through therapy, medication (Lexapro), increased physical activity, and social engagement, Otter experiences significant improvement in his mental health. He emphasizes the importance of hitting rock bottom to climb back up.

• Otter [67:31]: “Sometimes you need to hit a rock bottom in order to climb.”

Rebuilding Social Life and Relationships

Otter shares his proactive steps to overcome social anxiety, including attending speed dating events and using Bumble BFF to make new friends. His efforts lead to meaningful relationships and a sense of community.

• Otter [65:20]: “I ended up going on at least one date per week and usually two dates per week for about three months.”

Philosophical Insights and Personal Growth

The conversation touches on the concept of the "future self," manifestation, and the interplay between internal beliefs and external actions. Gecko and Otter discuss how positive thinking and behavior changes can reshape one’s reality.

• Otter [75:37]: “If you have the internal belief that you can change, then you take the external action of putting yourself out there.”

Notable Quotes

• Otter [66:54]: “There's a light at the end of the tunnel for me.”
• Otter [73:28]: “I just feel like I'm riding that high since.”

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Final Thoughts and Closing [97:02 – End]

Gecko reflects on the powerful stories shared by Erica and Otter, emphasizing the importance of resilience, self-improvement, and the impact of supportive relationships. The episode concludes with encouragement for listeners to pursue their personal growth journeys and maintain hope.

• Gecko [97:19]: “You can have hope that things will change and that a future self exists.”

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Key Takeaways

1. Overcoming Adversity: Both Erica and Otter exemplify how individuals can navigate through severe personal challenges, such as dysfunctional family environments, military discharge, and profound loss, to find stability and purpose.

2. Mental Health Importance: The episode underscores the critical role of mental health support systems, including therapy, medication, and personal coping strategies like journaling and yoga, in healing and personal growth.

3. Power of Relationships: Positive relationships and supportive partnerships play a pivotal role in fostering resilience and encouraging individuals to pursue their goals and aspirations.

4. Self-Improvement and Agency: Taking proactive steps, such as seeking education, engaging in social activities, and challenging negative self-beliefs, can transform one's life trajectory.

5. Hope and Future Orientation: Maintaining hope and believing in the possibility of a better future can drive individuals to take meaningful actions towards personal fulfillment and happiness.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Erica [04:27]: “I thought this was normal.”
• Erica [07:00]: “It was like a whole process.”
• Erica [12:02]: “...as long as I'm educated beforehand.”
• Otter [58:00]: “It was the hardest thing I've ever been through.”
• Otter [66:54]: “There's a light at the end of the tunnel for me.”
• Gecko [97:19]: “You can have hope that things will change and that a future self exists.”

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Therapy Gecko provides a platform for candid conversations, allowing listeners to connect with real-life stories of struggle and triumph. "I USED TO BE TROUBLE" serves as a testament to the human spirit's capacity for resilience and transformation.

Transcript

[Gecko]

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[Erica]

My name's Erica.

[Gecko]

Erica. What's up Erica? How's life?

[Erica]

Life's pretty good. I'm actively fucking up my eyebrows right now.

[Gecko]

You're actively fucking up your eyebrows right now?

[Erica]

Yes, I started plucking them and I just plucked a little too much.

[Gecko]

Well, Stephanie, what's What's going on, man? What'd you want to talk about today?

[Erica]

Erica?

[Gecko]

Oh, crap. The other person that I talked to is Stephanie. So I. What's it? I. I'm gonna call everyone. Just call her. Cuz I don't. I can't. It's been established that I can't. I can't do names, which is fine.

[Erica]

It's cool.

[Gecko]

It's okay. Everyone, everyone should be anonymous on this thing, so I'm gonna call you. Caller, caller. What's up? What'd you want to talk about?

[Erica]

I wanted to talk about Bakersfield, California.

[Gecko]

I think I went to Bakersfield, California a couple years ago on, like, a camping trip or some shit.

[Erica]

Really? Have you ever seen, like. I think it's a Netflix show about Bakersfield, and it's like, a bunch of, like, hillbillies and, like, rich oil people.

[Gecko]

Yeah, I'm familiar with, like. I'm vaguely familiar with the culture. Tell me more.

[Erica]

That was, like, to a T. So it's so crazy. There's, like, so many different parts of town that are so different. And the part of town where I grew up, I thought this stuff was normal. So, like, my high school, everything was gated, and you had to call security to come to your classroom to take you to the bathroom because people were setting trash cans on fire or ditching or fighting or having sex somewhere on campus. And we weren't allowed to wear certain colored shirts because of gang affiliation. You couldn't wear, like, plain white tees or plain red tees and stuff like that. And I thought this was, like, normal.

[Gecko]

Were there a lot of gangs in Bakersfield?

[Erica]

Yes.

[Gecko]

Were you ever in a gang?

[Erica]

No, I wasn't. But my older sister always took me to, like, house parties. And they were all gang affiliated, actually, my dad's side of the family. I wasn't really, like, in touch with them, but they were all gang affiliated, too.

[Gecko]

Okay, what else was going on in Bakersfield at the time?

[Erica]

I have an uncle who has, like, 17 kids from, like, different baby mamas, and he was always in and out of prison. And, yeah, like, all of my family is, like, always in and out of prison. Like, my grandma's getting DUIs, fighting my uncle's wife in the front yard. Ghetto stuff like that. But, like, that was my normal. So once I got away from Bakersfield, I was like, holy, that place is wild.

[Gecko]

Where did you get away from Bakersfield to go?

[Erica]

The military.

[Gecko]

Are you. Is that where you are now?

[Erica]

No, I was in the military for six years. I got medically discharged and Then me and my husband moved to a different part of California.

[Gecko]

And what was it like? What was it like being in the military for six years?

[Erica]

Oh, I had a blast. I was a. A mechanic. I was a helicopter mechanic. And I before that I was like a bougie. Like, was wearing dresses and heels and nails done all the time. Didn't know what a socket wrench was. And then I became like a grease monkey and became a mechanic and was traveling the world. I went on like three different aircraft carriers and spent over like 360 days to see, and I had a blast.

[Gecko]

What was the medical discharge?

[Erica]

Oh, I have this like, brain condition where the veins at the bottom of my brain are like, narrow. And so it builds pressure in my brain. And it gave me like migraines and was causing like, issues with my eyes.

[Gecko]

Whoa. Did that develop while you were in the military?

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

Whoa. What, what happens when you get medically discharged from the military? Do they like, do you get shit or are they just like, you got to go.

[Erica]

It's like a whole process. You have to go through, like, what's called a med board. And then I think mine took like 10 months, I think. And you have lawyers and a lot of paperwork, a lot of doctor's appointments. And then it gets sent to like an office where one person has to like confirm if you're getting discharged or not. And they have to do all of the military, so like Navy, Air Force, all of them. And so that's why it takes so long.

[Gecko]

What did you do right, when you were medically discharged?

[Erica]

I became an office manager for a pool construction company.

[Gecko]

And how was that?

[Erica]

It was interesting. It was a startup company and the owners were not very good with money and the clientele was high, like high payers. But the company I worked for was lowballing everything and everything up and was constantly getting sued. And so they eventually made me the bookkeeper because they had to pretty much get rid of everybody because they couldn't afford anything. And I ended up with like five different people's jobs and I was the bookkeeper. So I got to see where the bank account went, like negative $400. And so when they said they wanted to have a meeting with me, I already knew that I lost my job because I watched the money disappear. It was crazy because the owner of the company, he would like show up different times in like a Range Rover and then a Jaguar and then he took all of us, or he didn't take. Well, I didn't go. But he invited the whole company for midget wrestling in Norco for some reason and paid for like, VIP tickets.

[Gecko]

You didn't go?

[Erica]

No, it was like on a Thursday night and like, I'm married and like, I feel old now, so, like, I didn't want to be at a bar watching midget do that. Like, that was from my early 20s.

[Gecko]

How old are you now, if you don't mind me asking?

[Erica]

I turn 29 next week.

[Gecko]

Yeah, well, you're not old.

[Erica]

I feel old, like after the military, Like, I feel like I got my ass beat and everything hurts.

[Gecko]

Do you? So what are you doing now? Are you still working at that pool company?

[Erica]

No. So they went belly up. And then I was unemployed, collecting that unemployment for a bit. And then I started to use my VA benefits to go to school. So I'm pursuing my bachelor's in health science.

[Gecko]

Okay, well, what's the ultimate goal with that? Like, become like some kind of medical person thing?

[Erica]

You would think so, but no. So I don't really feel like working again. I want to pursue the career being a stay at home mom after. And me and my husband made a deal that I can be a stay at home mom as long as I'm educated beforehand. So that when I am actively a mother, I do have the ability to have a job if I wanted one.

[Gecko]

So you made a deal with your husband that he would financially support you being a stay at home mom as long as you went to school and.

[Erica]

Got my degree before we started having kids? Yes.

[Gecko]

How long is it gonna take for you to get your degree?

[Erica]

I'm almost done. Actually. We're both in school right now. We're both working on our bachelor's degree. So that's the cool part of the deal. We're doing it together.

[Gecko]

Are you going to the same school?

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

Oh, same degree?

[Erica]

No, he's going for it.

[Gecko]

Are you like taking out like student loans and shit?

[Erica]

No, this. He in the military too. So we're both veterans using our VA benefits to go to school and we get a housing allowance. And so that pays for our living while we both go to school full time.

[Gecko]

Oh, kick ass. That's awesome. So are you. So you just want to. You just want to get a degree just to have it, Just to say that you can get a job if you wanted to?

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

Very cool. Was that always your goal, like to be a stay at home mom?

[Erica]

No. Before I met my husband, I was never getting married. I was never having children. But he's so amazing. I completely changed me and my mind and now I want to be a stay at home mom doing, like, a homeschool thing or something.

[Gecko]

Wait, tell me more. That's kind of fascinating. Why do you think you flipped?

[Erica]

Dude, I swear, like, the first time I, like, hung out with him, there was, like, fireworks, and it felt like a movie. I swear, it felt like a movie. And I tell him all the time, I was like, what voodoo did you do to me? Because I used to be a thug, but now I'm all soft and sensitive, like, I want to take care of your children.

[Gecko]

You used to be a thug?

[Erica]

I just told you from. I'm from Bakersfield. Like, it's wild, wild west.

[Gecko]

What. What do you. I mean, if you want to elaborate, like, what?

[Otter]

Sure.

[Gecko]

Like, thug did you get into?

[Erica]

Like, I was, like, 8 years old and in the car with a parent to help sober up my uncle and cover up his voice, or not his voices, cover up his. His breath of alcohol with coffee because he just DUI crashed into the side of a house. My aunt, who was my babysitter for a few years, was a murderer. She murdered somebody. Like, maybe, like, a couple of years after, like, she stopped babysitting me. And then what else?

[Gecko]

But wait a minute, Wait a minute. But. Yeah, but those are all stories about your family. I'm talking about you.

[Erica]

But I'm actively in those things. I'm the person handing the drunk guy the coffee. Like, I'm a little kid actively doing these things.

[Gecko]

I don't know. Yeah, okay, but I don't know if that mean. Yeah, but okay, if you're. Hold on, hold on. Being eight years old and helping your family and kind of blindly being with your family while they do quote, unquote, thug things, I don't think makes you a thug.

[Erica]

Well, that, in cases, teaches me as a young kid that these things are okay. I never learned until recently that these things were not okay. And so in my early 20s, I have done, like. I don't want to go in detail on that stuff, but because of the stuff I was exposed to as a young child, I did some hood rat shit in my early 20s thinking it was okay. And now that I'm in my last year of my 20s, I'm like, I'm surprised I'm alive, and I'm surprised I've never been arrested and everything turned out okay.

[Gecko]

Hmm. Do you still keep in good contact with your parents?

[Erica]

No.

[Gecko]

Is it, like, totally nothing?

[Erica]

My dad was totally nothing. And then my mom. I know it's a weird situation with her because she didn't know she was a Horrible mother. And I started going to therapy, and I was like, yo, did you know this, this and this? And this was, like, up. And she was like, oh, I had no idea. And now she's, like, weird about it and doesn't want to talk.

[Gecko]

When did you stop talking to your parents?

[Erica]

Well, my dad called me randomly. Remember how I was talking about getting discharged for that brain thing?

[Gecko]

Yes.

[Erica]

So I was in the process of that, and my dad randomly called me and was like, I never want to speak to you again. I was like, well, okay. And then he hasn't talked to me since. And that was in maybe, like, 20, 21.

[Gecko]

And why would your dad randomly call you after not talking to you to say he doesn't want to talk to you. That's so bizarre.

[Erica]

He's, like, a narcissist and mentally ill and alcoholic. So there's that.

[Gecko]

Do you. What about, like, siblings?

[Erica]

My older sister, I found. Well, I recently realized that she was my biggest hater in life and tried to, like, sabotage my happiness. And so she's seven years older than me, and she's my half sister. So my mom was married to somebody else before her, but my sister is seven years older than me and would take me on the weekend, starting at, like, age 14, and get me drunk every weekend until I left for the military and let me get, like, blacked out and become an alcoholic and just do all this stupid stuff. And I thought I was spending quality time with my sister, but I realized she was my biggest hater. And then I confronted her about it. I was like, hey, this ain't cool. And she. She just does not get it. So. Yeah, I haven't really talked to her in, like, a year now.

[Gecko]

Huh. How. I. You know, look, if it's a whole thing to get into, then we don't have to. But, like, does that. Are you kind of, like, is what it is? I'm gonna start my own family about it, or does that. Are you, like, bummed about it?

[Erica]

Well, she's, like, super negative. Like, she's always late. I hate when people are late. That's, like, my biggest pet peeve. She's always negative and yelling. So, like, not having her in my life for the past year has been really good, actually.

[Gecko]

Okay, cool. What about, like, friends? What about, like, friends from Bakersfield? Do you still have any friends from. From around that time of your life?

[Erica]

No.

[Gecko]

Did you have friends during that time in your life?

[Erica]

Yeah, I had friends, but I don't know. It just seems like the people in Bakersfield are stuck to thinking that, like, having a good time is being in somebody's backyard getting, like, blacked out drunk.

[Gecko]

Yeah.

[Erica]

Where? I'm not into that. Like, I would love to have, like, an intellectual conversation or go to a museum or do something cool. And people in Bakersfield do that.

[Gecko]

They have museums in Bakersfield, right? They've got stuff I don't remember. Well, let's see. And where did you meet. Where did you meet your. Or your husband? Are you guys married yet?

[Erica]

Yeah, we've been married for, I think, almost four years.

[Gecko]

Oh, cool. Where'd you guys meet?

[Erica]

In the military. He used to be my supervisor at one point.

[Gecko]

Interesting. And so you. What, you met him when you were 24?

[Erica]

23, yeah, around 24, I think.

[Gecko]

And you were like, I'm never getting married. I'm never having kids, never doing any shit. And you meet him and you're like, okay, I want to. I want to do all that shit now.

[Erica]

Yes.

[Gecko]

Cool. What's his deal? Who is he?

[Erica]

He is amazing. He's so smart and artistic, and there's, like, a nerdy side to him. Like, he. He's been a gamer since forever, and he's also into working out, and he's a handyman. We bought this place together, and he redid the whole thing. Kind of like Chip and Joanne style. Like, dreamy.

[Gecko]

That's wonderful. That's so. It sounds like you. I have had a great life. 180, kind of.

[Erica]

But, like, I have crippling depression. So, like, I have this amazing life, but it's still, like, I'm still sad.

[Gecko]

Yeah. Okay. That was what I was gonna ask. Are you. Or. How do you, like, how do you feel about life now?

[Erica]

My life's amazing, but it's just so hard to be in the moment. I'm trying to be more in the moment.

[Gecko]

Why do you find it hard to be in the moment?

[Erica]

Oh, I just have, like. Hold on one second. My mouth is dry.

[Gecko]

That's all right. What are you. Are you taking some water?

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

I gotta drink more water. I'm. I just. I keep doing the fucking Gatorade zero and the Diet Coke and the. The Snapple zero. And it's like, when am I. When am I gonna drink some fucking water? You know when I was good.

[Erica]

When you feel like changing?

[Gecko]

Yeah.

[Erica]

Oh, I just read. I just read the Mel Robinson book, the Let Them theory. Gotta recommend it. Love it.

[Gecko]

Yeah. What do you. What'd you think about that?

[Erica]

I thought it was amazing and life changing, and. I don't know. I feel like I'M I'm gonna have a lot of wisdom as a person because I've had a lot of life experiences. But Mel, I think she did either in her 60s or late 50s, and all of this wisdom that she's providing in this book, for anyone who's pretty young to read it, would have a step ahead in life, I feel.

[Gecko]

What. What exactly. What is the thesis of the let them theory?

[Erica]

So pretty much let them. So a lot of anxiety, and we automatically, as humans want to control things, but it's pretty much giving up the control and being like, let them or let whatever happen. And then you just. From there you say, let me, and then you decide to choose what to do.

[Gecko]

Yeah, I'm. I'm big on that. I'm big on that. I forget if I talked about this in the podcast already, but, like, you ever, like, I. I'll have a thing. I'll have a. I'll have a thing Now I've made, like, an intentional change to my thoughts where I'll be like, you ever leave a social interaction? And I forget if I said this on the podcast already, but who cares? You ever leave a social interaction and you're like, oh, man, I think I was kind of annoying, or I think I was. I kind of. They're probably talking shit about me right now or, you know, is that familiar feeling to you?

[Erica]

Yes.

[Gecko]

And now I had. Now I. When I have that thought, I'm like, well, so what? Who. You know. Yeah, let them. Well, who gives a shit? Who cares if I'm annoying? It's fine. You know who else was annoying? Spongebob. And everyone loves.

[Erica]

True. Oh, I'm actually part of this VA class called act, which is like, accept something.

[Gecko]

Acceptance and commitment therapy.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

Yeah, that shit. Yeah, that shit feels really good. I've, like, kind of just stumbled upon that in my own, like, just line of thinking. It feels great to, like, let it. Let it go and let you know. Well, yeah, especially if you're, like, making shit on the Internet and you. I mean, not even making shit. You don't even have to make sure if you use the Internet or honestly, if you're a human being living life, you just encounter so much, like, vitriol fucking everywhere, and you can't do anything except accept that which you cannot control. So I'm into that shit. A drink. I'll drink the. The Mel Robbins Kool Aid.

[Erica]

I was speaking of spiritual shit. So me and my husband are having conversation about this. What. At what point do you think consciousness. Consciousness comes into a body of a person. Like is it when conception happens or is it when. I don't know, 25 when it happens or at one point is a person like a conscious being?

[Gecko]

I have no idea. I don't even have any theories. I think. Yeah, I have no idea. I think that that's a thing that people just don't know. There could be, you know, there could be like a. An unseen dimension through which things like souls and consciousnesses travel. I mean probably not. It's probably, it's probably pretty biological shit to it, but.

[Erica]

Well, I don't. I feel like there definitely is definite different dimensions because I've been able to like disassociate to where I can see myself having a conversation.

[Gecko]

Oh, you've had an out of body experience?

[Erica]

Yes. And there has to be like different dimensions and stuff because like everything was in slow motion and it was weird.

[Gecko]

Do. Are you from it? Do you know what DP doctor Is?

[Erica]

No.

[Gecko]

Like depersonalization. Derealization. Yeah, it's like a. It's kind of like. Yeah. Like an out of body experience. Like a little bit what you're talking about. And I think a lot of like mental illnesses are like. But this is coming from no research. This is coming from just shit.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

I have no form of any kind of academic background except sitting in a lecture hall while Mission Impossible while the. The professor plays scenes from Mission Impossible and we take notes on it. That's my academic background. But I was thinking like, like mental illnesses are kind of like like defects in consciousness, you know, Because I don't think that like, like, like that like do. I don't know if animals have. I mean humans are the most conscious living things that we're at least, that at least we're aware of on the planet Earth. And like I don't know if dogs, dogs get like depressed and anxious, but I don't, I don't think that dog. I don't know if there's any like schizophrenic dogs or like if dogs ever have like depersonalization or out of body experiences or psychosises. I think those are like definitely dogs that have ptsd. Definitely. There's definitely like a lot of human dog mental illnesses are. The humans and dogs definitely share a lot of that kind of shit. But there, there's some weird like things that happen in like to humans that I think are like unique to the level of consciousness that we have. And it's. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I. Consciousness Just seems to be something that like naturally evolved in some way. I don't know if there's a spiritual element to it, but I think like mysticism and spirit, like the idea of an unseen dimension and whatnot, could, could be things that you can start thinking about once we hit the point where science cannot explain certain things. But science can explain kind of a hell of a lot, I think.

[Erica]

Yeah, I think so too. Also, I wanted to mention last summer I took this medical anthropology class and from what I gathered in the class is that every other country besides like the us they incorporate spirituality into their medical healing and we're the only people who don't. And it's interesting because there's a lot of placebo in these actual healings when test trials are done. And it really shows the, the power of the mind and healing and believing that you're gonna be healed based on what's happening. Very interesting.

[Gecko]

Yeah, I know that. Like, like, I know. I've heard stories of like people have cancer where it's like you have to like there's, there is some mind body connection of like, like fighting, you know, like, like believing that things will get better. That might be total fucking complete pseudoscience bullshit. But this whole conversation may, may absolutely very well be pseudoscientific bullshit.

[Erica]

But, but like this is the type of shit I think about. Like I'm walking down, like I'm in school now. I'm walking down the, the courtyard and everyone has headbutts and, and I'm trying to talk to people and have these thoughts about these random ass universe things and just no connection for that.

[Gecko]

You said that they incorporates spiritual spirituality and like medical situations, places outside the U.S. like, do you have an example?

[Erica]

Yes, they do do that. And no, not off the top of my head.

[Gecko]

That's okay.

[Erica]

Horrible memory.

[Gecko]

That's right.

[Erica]

But it would tell you what, if you ever come across any class like that, highly recommend it.

[Gecko]

So you're having problems finding people who can connect with you on all the existential shit that you want to think about and talk about.

[Erica]

Well, my husband's pretty great at talking to me about it because we're pretty similar. But out in like the real world. Not really. Like at school, I try to talk to people, but everyone has their headbuds in. And I wouldn't even realize that. I'm like, hey, how are you doing? And then it's like, walk away from me. I'm just like, I hope they had headbuds in. At least everyone else has them in.

[Gecko]

Are you when you say that, are you like, are these just people, like, like walking around the. On the campus?

[Erica]

I'm on campus in class. Like, everyone in my campus, like, always.

[Gecko]

Has headbuds in or nobody wants to talk to you.

[Erica]

It doesn't seem like anybody talks to anybody. And the campus is always like, really? It's not active.

[Gecko]

Is it a major school?

[Erica]

It's a csu.

[Gecko]

Csu. California State University.

[Erica]

Yeah, I guess that's big. But yes, not really that many people. Well, also, a lot of classes right now are getting canceled because there's not that many students. And I've heard faculty talk about a lot of. Cut.

[Gecko]

I was gonna ask, have you been making friends in school or like, just in, because you said you didn't have any friends from back in Bakersfield. Do you have new friends where you are now?

[Erica]

In school. But I made some friends off of Bumble bff.

[Gecko]

Oh, cool.

[Erica]

Yeah, I've met a cool. A bunch of cool people off there. It's so funny. It feels kind of like high school dating because I was like, meet up with these girls and we would like smoke in their car and then we'd go to eat and then that was our hangout.

[Gecko]

Is it? You know what I love? I'm 27. I mean, we're basically, we're, you know, late 20s. And I love when I, when I have like a social situation. I just happened to be kind of recently when I have like a social situation where I'm like, oh, I never thought, I thought, I thought that I would never do something like this again. Like, I thought this was like, reserved for when you're in like high school and college. You know, like when you like, like, like when you're like 27 and you're like. Right. Like you're 27 and you're like hanging out with like other people around your age, getting high in a car or something, and then you go like, eat food. You're like, whoa, I didn't realize we could keep doing this.

[Erica]

Well, that's the lovely part of being this age and not having children, right? Yes. Because a lot of people I went to school with and like, I didn't go to my 10 year reunion. They actually canceled it because not enough people bought tickets. But anywho, a lot of them are like parents of three by now. Like, a lot of them are.

[Gecko]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that like, like, I don't know, I. I'm in the. I'm not really actively, but like, I spent a lot of time, like the comedy universe and in the comedy universe, like it's interesting because you'll be like 21, going to open mics and shit and you'll just be hanging out with like a 37 year old dude with a wife and kids who's, you know what I like, maybe his kids are like a tiny bit older and is what, whatever, like he's it. But he's out at the bar doing the, the cot, doing the comedy. You and him are hanging out and drinking and it's like, oh, I guess you can keep living la. Like, I guess you can keep living life as a mother or father without neglecting your children, that you can still do shit. You know.

[Erica]

I've never really witnessed that. All of the people that I've seen that are like parents, I just go home and watch TV after working.

[Gecko]

I think, you know what it is, is I think what do you live? I think it's a city thing. Yeah, I think it's a city thing more than it like, I think if you're, if you have like kids in the suburbs, you're, you're probably likely to live like the suburban life. But yeah, I mean when I was in like doing stand up in like Baltimore or Philly or you know, hanging around in New York, you know, I would meet these people who were, I mean, shit, I just went to Tijuana and I hung out with Shout Out My homie Diego. I made it, I'm making a video about it, which you all will see soon. But he's a great example because he's this guy hung out with Diego. I went to Tijuana to meet up with him. He's like a break. He organizes like the breakdance community in Tijuana and he has a young son and it's like, you know, one night he's bad, he's badass. And I was hanging out with and he has like, well, I see, I'm gonna, I'm gonna talk about that in the video. He, he's like, you know, I hung out with him for a few days and you know, we go and we do the breakdance battle and him and like the other dancers are like hanging out, drinking afterwards. But you know, everyone's like, you know, early 30s, late 20s. And it's like, you know, then the next morning we go out to eat. It's him and his wife. He brings his kid, you know, he's fucking showing his kid bluey and playing with him and talking to him and it's like he's there. I'm like, I'm watching this guy, and I'm like, oh, shit. You can. You can be a dad and still have a life, you know, it's cool, I think. And, yeah, I do think that's a. That's a city thing, I think. Yeah, I do think that's, like, a.

[Erica]

City, maybe like a priority thing, because I remember I wanted to sign up for, like, karate or some shit after school, and my mom was always too busy with work, anything, so I think it's definitely a priorities thing, too.

[Gecko]

Mm. Mm. I mean, it's also. It's. I guess. I guess ideally. And I don't want to speak too much about these things because I don't have kids yet, but I'm like, you know, but I'm thinking. I think about these things a lot because I. I just. I know myself and I know that, like, I just. I love doing stuff, and I'm probably gonna want to, like, do stuff and. And live my life and be, you know, out and about and living life and whatever, probably. Probably forever for a long time and. But I also want to have a kid, and I'm trying to think about. And. And then, you know, I'm like, I don't know if I can do that. And then I meet people who do it, and I'm like, oh, okay. There's a lot of different kinds of dads. And also, look, I mean, there's two of you ideally, so it's like, I guess arrangements could be made where it's like, hey, you know, if you have your thing that you want to do at this point in time, in the week, you go do it, I'll be home, and then we'll schedule out. This time is the great time. We can all be together as a family. And, you know, if I have a thing I want to do, you. You know, it's. It seems to be a figureoutable thing.

[Erica]

Yeah, totally. I feel so inspired now. I want to be a parent. Do some shit.

[Gecko]

Yeah. I mean, don't. I mean, I think some people over, like, you can't just, like, abandon your kid to go to Guatemala or whatever.

[Erica]

But, like, with them. With them.

[Gecko]

Right. Right. I mean, I had. We had. I do a yearly trip with my friends from home, and one of our. One of them has a kid, and, you know, he came on the trip. It was his first. His kids really young. It was his first time getting to do some shit like that in, like, six months. But it came. You know, he's able to do it. He made it. He made it work.

[Erica]

That's so cool.

[Gecko]

So what's your husband, like, do?

[Erica]

He's a full time student and he pretty much hangs out with me every day. And we're pretty much like. So we both had, like, the same thing. We both, like, got out of high school and then went into the military really young, so we never had, like, our college years. And this is our college years. We're both towards 30 and smoking weed every day, studying, playing video games. And we have three dogs. We just hang out.

[Gecko]

Cool. Well, you always. See, I mean, so your life is already semi restricted in some sense that you have three dogs.

[Erica]

Yeah, but we take them a lot of places too. They're great.

[Gecko]

This is a loaded question. Maybe it's a person. Why? Why do you feel depressed?

[Erica]

One day last year, I remembered my childhood. So, like, I was an alcoholic from like, 14 to, like, 25 when I met my husband.

[Chris]

And.

[Erica]

And then. So then I was sober for a couple years, and then something clicked and I remembered everything. And it was crazy because before that, I didn't really remember my childhood. And I thought I had a great childhood, perfect parents. And then one day I realized that was a fantasy. But ever since then, well, things picked up. Like, I got some antidepressants, and I've never had more energy in my life.

[Gecko]

Oh, good.

[Erica]

Like, the other day, I shredded, like, three boxes of papers that needed to be shredded for, like, years. Like, I'm doing shit.

[Gecko]

Cool. What do you. What. Can I ask what you're. Can I ask what you're taking?

[Erica]

So this semester, I think I'm taking jazz history. And what else?

[Gecko]

Oh, no, I meant the meds.

[Erica]

Oh, meds. Starts with a D. Dulexitine, I think.

[Gecko]

Dulexotine?

[Erica]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that one.

[Gecko]

That's cool. And it's been. It's been good. It's giving you some energy.

[Erica]

Yeah, energy. Like, before, I wasn't able to, like, take a shower by myself. Like, my husband washed my hair me, but now I can do all that and I'm great.

[Gecko]

It's, like, wonderful. Congratulations.

[Erica]

Thank you, bro.

[Gecko]

It is. It is crazy. And I. I know I don't shut the up about Vyvanse on this podcast, but, like, it is great. It is great to have. Taking prescription drugs is so interesting because if you. If you find the one that works for you, you're just like, oh, I didn't realize. I didn't realize that this was. This didn't. I didn't realize that this didn't have to be the default state of my brain. Forever.

[Erica]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Gecko]

Do you go to real therapy to talk about, like, childhood shit?

[Erica]

Oh, yeah, I guess. Like three sessions in, but the therapist hasn't even had a minute to talk. I just keep on going on and on and on.

[Gecko]

Has it been, like, helpful.

[Erica]

Actually, you telling us that you journal in chat GPT? Because I waited a year to get a consultation for this therapist. And so for the meantime, I was doing the chat GPT and journaling and that's been amazing.

[Gecko]

You know, I. Dude, it's, it's hard. It's hard because I know it's a controversial subject, but like, but like, fuck, man. Like, it's really good, you know? It is really. It's like. I, I'm sorry. I. I'm sorry. I'm so, I'm. I'm sorry if. By the way, I don't. I'm not endorsing anything. I just say what I do. I just, I'm just telling everyone what I do. And if you want to do it, then that's why I'm just telling you what I do. This is a true. Speaking the fact of how I live my life. If, if it turns out that Sam Altman is, is using all of our depression trauma dumps to build a robot that kills dogs, then that's. I'll find, I'll find that out at the same time. All of you do.

[Erica]

Yeah, but like, we used to use Limewire. Like, we're fearless.

[Gecko]

But yeah, it was really helpful. It's like my friend, I have a friend who does it too, and he, he actually came up with a G. He. I thought it was really genius the way he described it. He told me it felt like journaling squared.

[Erica]

I do like that it has questions that asks you to think about.

[Gecko]

Yeah, it's not. And I don't think I'm not gonna go on a whatever, but like, it's, it's fucking helpful cuz it's like, you know, if I'm going insane at 3 o' clock in the morning, like, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's there. And again, they might be using, they might be using all of our shit to train to create a mass nuclear weapon. But I, you know, that's, that's beyond me. I have no fucking idea. Anyway, I mean, has real therapy been cool?

[Erica]

I don't know. It's just me talking and then the lady saying, all right, see you in two weeks for more of the story. I guess it was like an Intake, but the intakes, like, three sessions long. Well, I guess she taught me some grounding stuff that really helped. Oh, and then I've been doing somatic yoga. I've never been attached to my body before, and it's crazy. I was always very clumsy. Not able to do things with precision with my hands and fingers. Like, I always dropped wrenches, and now I'm able to actually feel my body. It's really strange to be, like, disconnected from your body.

[Gecko]

What is the word somatic mean?

[Erica]

You'd have to Google it. I don't remember, but I know it's like a system in your body that needs, I guess, like, regulation.

[Gecko]

Okay, that's cool. What is, like, somatic yoga? What do you actually, like, do?

[Erica]

It's just yoga stretches that last way longer, and you, like, breathe more breaths in between, and it just releases tension that you have built up in your body.

[Gecko]

Cool. Cool.

[Erica]

Mm.

[Gecko]

I like that. I'm sorry to hear. Well, I don't know. Actually, I don't know what I am, because you sound. You sound like. You sound like you're on and up. I mean, this is just a. Just a personal observation from the 43 minutes that we've been talking, but it sounds like you're on a upward trajectory.

[Erica]

Oh, yeah. Things looking like, I'm a homeowner, my car paid off. I'm not in school debt. Like, I'm hanging out. I just need to be in the moment and enjoy it.

[Gecko]

Yeah. I hope you become less depressed.

[Erica]

Thank you. You as well.

[Gecko]

And I hope you. I hope you don't stop feeling old, because you know what, by the way, here's. You know what it is, is I have something. What helps me feel not old is what is looking at people who are actually old. Like. Like, I was walking down. I was walking down the street in Manhattan yesterday, and I saw a dude must have been in, like, his late 50s, and he had a backpack. You can be. You can be in your. And I had a backpack, and it's like me and this guy are both walking through New York with a fucking backpack. You know what I mean? Like, you can do it. You can be in your late 50s walking through a city with a fucking backpack. I got. Like, I got. At least I'm 27. I have in double the amount of time I've been a lot. He's like, he has a backpack. Like, I saw this. I swear to God I saw this guy. I don't know why I said, I swear to God. As if I'm, like, describing seeing the Lockers monster. But that is what it felt like for me. I'm just. No, I'm actually. I'm actually serious. I saw this fucking guy walking. He must have been 55 years old. That's me times two. And he was. He was walking down the street with a backpack, and he, like, looked at his watch and I was. And I saw him and I was like, look at this guy. This guy's double my age walking down the street with a backpack. And he's got. He's got places to be. He's alive. He's not fucking dead. You know, he's. He's. He's living. He's doing it. I don't know what he's on his way to. He might be on his way to collapse the agricultural industry or something, but he's. He's living his life, you know, He's. He's there. So we're. I think we still got a lot more time left to, you know, you. We can. We can hang out with people our age and get high in cars for a good 53 more years probably.

[Erica]

You know, it's so funny. My grandpa, he's like, I forgot how old he is. He was born in 38. I can't do math right now. He cuts his grass like every other day because he's so bored. And he's just out there making his own, I guess, jobs to do by up his house. Like, one day he went to go clean the inside glass of the oven door, the glass that you're not supposed to get in between, and he up his whole oven and he made a whole new project to install a new one.

[Gecko]

Yeah, but you don't have to live that way. Like, I think, like. Like growing up, like you say, like when I look up, like, my, my. My dad hasn't been where. I don't know, you know, I focus on the backpack thing is because I just. A backpack is just such a. A backpack is a young man's game, you know, When I saw this older guy with a backpack, I was like, that's crazy. This fucking. Like, my. When my dad was. My dad's in his 60s, he's not walking on the sidewalk with a backpack, but here's this fucking guy's in his 60s, he's walking. Yeah, I always. Yeah, right. I always imagine like, once you pass the. I was like, once you pass a certain age, it's all briefcases, no backpacks, but it's like, you can do it. You can, you can, you can't. You don't have to age out of the backpack.

[Erica]

Right? It's like, like the other day I was asking my husband like, are we like really adults? Like we're 29, we're. Well, I'm 29 and homeowners. Like this is like what it is to be an adult. Like that's crazy to think. Like when I was a child, my parent is 29. Like that's just so crazy. They were so immature.

[Gecko]

Right.

[Erica]

And they were in charge of people's lives.

[Gecko]

I think you, I think once you get to a certain age you realize that adulthood is somewhat of a myth.

[Erica]

Anticlimactic.

[Gecko]

It's anticlimactic. You die not ever knowing the answers to anything. I think I've. I think I've determined that.

[Erica]

No, yeah, seriously, it's anti climatic and people talk it up too much. Like they need to take, take it away. I still don't even understand what it is to be an adult. Like I don't feel like one, but clearly I am one. Maybe it's imposter syndrome. I don't know.

[Gecko]

What's your name again? Stephanie.

[Erica]

Caller, you said you wanted to stop.

[Gecko]

Your name is your name.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

Erica. Erica, I really enjoyed having this conversation with you. This was fun.

[Erica]

Yeah, I had a great time.

[Gecko]

Let's see, is there anything else you want to talk about before we go or do you think we covered all the bases?

[Erica]

We can keep on going, but I forgot. So I've been self isolating and I made plans tonight and I'm gonna keep them and actually go instead of cancel.

[Gecko]

Oh, please do.

[Erica]

Yes, callers, please keep your plans for callers.

[Gecko]

What are the plans?

[Erica]

Going to eat Mexican food.

[Gecko]

With who?

[Erica]

With a girl from Bumble bff.

[Gecko]

Cool. Well, I'm surprised you've been self isolating because you strike me as like an extroverted person. If you're like walking around the campus trying to talk to people.

[Erica]

I'm trying to be extroverted just to help out, you know.

[Gecko]

Well good, I'm glad you. Yeah, self isolating is bad.

[Erica]

Yes. Alrighty. Well, thanks for calling.

[Gecko]

Will drive you insane. You know that guy Brian Johnson?

[Erica]

No.

[Gecko]

He. Well there's like a. There's this is guy. He's trying to live forever. But. And the way he. And, and the way. And I think he. I heard him say some shit. Like I get at least 30 minutes of social act social activity every day. Like it's like, like calculated and shit. You know, it's important to not die.

[Erica]

He should stream this.

[Gecko]

He probably is. I don't know I shouldn't. I shouldn't even bring him up because I actually don't know anything really that much about him. But I hope you enjoy your Mexican food, Erica.

[Erica]

Thank you.

[Gecko]

Okay, anything else you want to say to the people, the computer before we go?

[Erica]

Keep your plans. Everybody get outside.

[Gecko]

Beautiful. Good luck, Erica. Thank you.

[Erica]

Thanks. Bye.

[Gecko]

Bye. I really enjoyed talking here. That was nice. That was cool. Keep, keep Keep living life. Keep doing things.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile.

[Gecko]

With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So to help us, we brought in.

[Gecko]

A reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing Mint Mobile unlimited premium wireless, Everybody. To get 30, 30B.

[Ryan Seacrest]

To get 30, get 20, 20, 20.

[Gecko]

Better get 20, 20. Better get 15. 15, 15, 15. Just 15 bucks a month. Sold. Give it a [e-mail] Switch.

[Otter]

Upfront payment of $45 for 3 month.

[Public Representative]

Plan equivalent to $15 per month required.

[Gecko]

New customer offer for first 3 months only.

[Public Representative]

Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks busy.

[Gecko]

Taxes and fees extra.

[Otter]

See mintmo.com thanks for calling, man. Thanks for picking up. I sent you a tour. Get a chance to read it?

[Gecko]

No. What's your name? What's. What's. What's up?

[Otter]

Yeah, yeah, my. Okay, I'm gonna go by Otter. Yeah, I haven't prepared anything, but I wanted to call in today because my life has been pretty crazy since, you know, maybe the last few years and some of that craziness has helped me kind of like blossom as an adult and like my life has ended up being pretty good and. But I guess I can start. So, you know, my gosh, I'm like kind of nervous, man. I know this is low stakes and all. Damn. Talking the therapy gecko. Are you still there?

[Gecko]

It's. Yeah, talking to the therapy gecko is. Is about as low stakes as it sounds.

[Otter]

I know, man. So, yeah, I, you know, growing up, you know. Okay, I guess for reference, let me give you the two long TLDR here. I'm 31 now and I, you know, very recently just got my life together a little bit. I, you know, haven't been in a lot of relationships, you know, was very shy and, you know, I basically lost my virginity at age 29. And. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, it. I've moved in with a girlfriend and I've been with her now for over a year. So the thing that kind of led me here is so growing up I was very shy. I was like kind of afraid of to talk to women, which sounds weird, but like, you know, it was just a thing that, you know, felt very unnatural to me and it took a lot of practice to kind of, you know, do this. And I also worked really intense, like, jobs at startups. I'm a software engineer and like, I was working my ass off and I really didn't have a lot of time to socialize in college or when I graduated and then fucking Covid happened, and that was even, like, fewer opportunities to hang out with people and talk. And, like, dude, I just, like, started to develop, like, the worst anxiety and, like, just kind of just feelings of loneliness and, you know, spending a lot of time alone. I started to develop, like, really bad insomnia and shit. And. And then the real kicker is in 2022, winter of 2022, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and she ended up passing 11 months later. And honestly, it was, like, the hardest thing that I had ever been through. You know, I had moved home for Covid, and then while my mom was sick, I, you know, stayed home and helped care for her. So it was just really, like, not a good place, man.

[Gecko]

I.

[Otter]

Was very alone, and I was dealing with, you know, the trauma of caring for this my very sick mother.

[Chris]

And.

[Otter]

You know, after she passed, I finally moved, you know, out of my family's house after, like, two years of living there. And, you know, I basically entered a very dark depression because, you know, I had been very reliant on family for those past two years. And I ended up moving alone. And now I'm, like, alone with four walls around me. And basically, you know, I am. I'm dealing with all this trauma that I had experienced over the last year. I ended up having lots of problems. And like, maybe a few months into it, like, I just. Just, like, realized, like, I don't want to kill myself right now, but if I don't do anything, I'm probably going to want to kill myself. So I ended up, like, calling the doctor's office, being like, hi, I'm very depressed and I can't sleep. Please help me. And from that, I ended up going to, like, actual therapy, and I ended up starting on, like, Lex Pro. And, man, that did a lot for me, you know, really just like, kind of like overnight, like, I started to feel a lot better and shit. I, you know, ended up being able to sleep more. Ended up, like, just not feeling like there was a gorilla on my back all the time. And I was able to, like, just, like, start enjoying my life again. And by the way, still a virgin at this time, still dating is out of the question. But, like, you know, I was always really big into the gym, and I started taking it even more seriously. And, like, you know, in a past episode, you know, you kept talking about how you don't believe. Like, I think you corrected yourself, but you were like, oh, I don't believe in the idea of your future self. And, like, when I heard that I was like, dude, that can't be. Like, that is so untrue because, like, you know, obviously what you're doing, you want to be authentic.

[Erica]

You know what I mean?

[Otter]

You want to be authentic to yourself, but, like, I really think you can be authentic to yourself and be like, that's the kind of person I want to be and then go out and achieve it. You know what I mean?

[Gecko]

You know, it's. I'm actually. I just want to say I'm so glad that you heard me say that and vehemently disagreed with it because, well, the. I'm not gonna go on a long philosophical rant because I want to let you finish your story, but I think in the grand, like, there's, you know what it is? There's like, lenses through which you can say that there is no future self and that time is flat and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But we don't really live in that lens. We live in normal ass human life. And in normal ass human life, I do agree there is a future self. I've come around to the fact that there is absolutely a future self. So I'm. I'm with you on that.

[Erica]

Okay.

[Gecko]

Okay.

[Otter]

Yeah. Because I don't know, I somehow like, pulling out of this dark depression and going to the gym more and, like, being more social really led me to this, like, place in my life where I felt like I was ready to start, like, finding someone to, like, you know, find someone who loves me and I love back, you know? And, you know, I. It was really weird. Like, I went from, like, basically being, like, my quote unquote old self. And then in, like, one week, I did this. I went on a. I went to speed dating, of all things. I went to a speed dating event. And at the same time, I also, like, decided to ask the number of this woman at, like, a tropical smoothie cafe who was pretty hot and seemed pretty cool. And like, both of those, like, extreme, like, you know, relatively extreme things for me kind of like busted me out of my shell. I downloaded the apps and I was like, like, I know the apps can be kind of shitty, but, like, what a time to be alive, right? Like, you can just meet people.

[Gecko]

Totally.

[Otter]

And I ended up, like, literally going on at least one date per week and usually two dates per week for about three months.

[Gecko]

Look at this.

[Otter]

And like, no. And like, I don't think I'm a particularly good looking guy, but, like, you know, if you have a good profile and you, like, you know, nice, you know, show other people you give a. You Know, can happen, you know.

[Gecko]

Beautiful.

[Otter]

Yeah. And like, I. I ended up finding someone. It didn't work out with them for very long. It was like a pretty crappy, you know, three months. Oh, no, it wasn't crappy. It was my first relationship. I ended up losing my V card. But, yeah, I mean, it ended up being like, the right experience. I needed to go and find something more serious. But. Yeah, I mean, I've been with this lady now for, well, like, you know, almost like a year and a half now. I. I moved with her. Yeah, I moved in with her. And like, you know, just as a PSA for anybody, you know, if you're ever going through something, like, incredibly hard, like, you know, losing someone you're caring about or, you know, someone who's ill, you know, even if you feel like you. You're. You got this gorilla on your back, you know, you can always. Life can open up in ways that you don't expect. And things can change really, really fast.

[Gecko]

I love a good. I love a good life. 180. That's amazing. That's wonderful.

[Otter]

Yeah, man.

[Gecko]

So cool. And so you're. You're 31 now, right?

[Otter]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

Okay, cool. And so, I mean, what do you think it is, right? Was it like the. Was it like the therapy? Was it the pills? Was it the competent. The gym? Was it an amalgam of a million different things? Like, how do you. How do you explain it?

[Otter]

You know, the way I think about it is, you know, sometimes you need to hit kind of like a rock bottom in order to climb.

[Gecko]

Totally.

[Otter]

And like, I kind of felt that I had hit my own rock bottom and like, just the suckiness of, like, losing my mom and. And like, you know, that time alone after because, like, I had been living at home for two years and just like, being alone again was just such a up thing after, like, you know, caring for my mother and like, that rock bottom allowed me to climb. And like, honestly, I've been like, kind of riding that high since. And it, you know, like, sure, I still have some shitty days. Sure, I, like, have some dark moments here or there. But, like, excuse me. You know, I still kind of feel like I'm riding that high.

[Gecko]

I. I guess, you know, what's funny is back to the conversation about the future self is and is like, I. I used to also believe it. Yeah. Again, that there is no future self. But I lately have been feeling the best I've been feeling in a long time. And I always hear that. I appreciate you saying that. And I always. I Always Flip knew I would get there. I always knew I would get there. And then I would read all this philosophical about how there is no there and there is no future self. And I. And I know what it means. I get it. And who knows how long we're gonna, you know, be feeling like this, but.

[Otter]

Yeah, man.

[Gecko]

No, I feel. I gen. I. My life feels very different mentally than it has in the past, you know, than it. Than it did like 1, 2, 3, 4 years ago. And I am. I am the future self. I'm the future self by definition. It's true. And so I don't know. But I don't know. I haven't. I haven't lived long enough to have asked me again when I'm 80, if I'm lucky enough to make it to 80, if I believe in a future self or I believe in a there, because who knows? I mean, it's a grand, crazy roller coaster and you never know what. What the fuck each day could bring. So I don't know. But I'm happy for you that you feel good and. Yeah, it's great. It's great. I don't know, the more. The more I. I live my life and go through ups and downs and talk to other people about shit, the more I just. I just don't know. But what do you. Yeah, you can ask me whatever you want.

[Otter]

Sorry, I'm totally changing gears.

[Gecko]

No, go ahead, you can.

[Otter]

I was gonna say, what is your favorite thing at Taco Bell right now?

[Gecko]

My favorite thing at Taco Bell right. Right now I'm trying to avoid Taco Bell, but if I were there right now, I would probably just get like a. Like a beef seven layer beef burrito thing. I think that's what it is. I don't know how many layers there are exactly, but I'll be like a beef Russian. Yeah, like a little beef burrito. Maybe a couple of Doritos Locos Tacos.

[Otter]

Oh, yeah.

[Erica]

Okay.

[Gecko]

Yeah.

[Otter]

Nice. I'm glad you're feeling better. You still feel like you're in that existential mode or have you pulled yourself out of that?

[Gecko]

It comes in and out, but it's. I'm. I'm out of it. I'm out of it. And I feel better than I have.

[Otter]

Hell yeah.

[Gecko]

Part of it was. Yeah. Taking pills and a lot of. I don't. I mean, it's a lot of stuff. It's really a lot of stuff. But yeah, I mean, it's. It's been great. So we're just a couple. We're Just a couple of. Just a couple of dudes living their best lives. Otter, are you excited about the future? Do you have plans?

[Otter]

You know, I. I am excited about the future. I don't really have like, plans per se. I mean, like, hopefully I can marry this lady. I mean, I'd like to have a family one day.

[Gecko]

Yeah.

[Otter]

And like, I don't feel like particularly rushed to do that. Like, I don't know, I'm 31, so like, I don't want to wait forever, but like, you know, maybe in the next three to five years. Sounds good to me.

[Gecko]

Cool.

[Otter]

But yeah, I mean, I am a lot more excited about the future. Like, I don't know, like, before I was able to like, date and like, talk to women and like, still hadn't lost my V card, I kind of always had this like, nagging dread inside of me that like, oh God, that's. That's something I gotta figure out. And like, I definitely feel like I've cracked that nut now. And I just like, you know, I just feel like an eternal sense of like, relief about.

[Gecko]

Wonderful. Yeah, that's great. That's great. And I, I really genuinely appreciate you sharing this because I know there's a lot of people who, you know, have had struggles in that department for what they believe to be an embarrassingly long amount of time. And I think for someone to be able to hear your story and be like, well, you know, there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me. Even if I've been feeling a certain way about myself for, for my whole life. I mean, I think that's. That's great. I love a story like that.

[Otter]

Yeah. And like, oh man, I hope I, like, I don't sound like one of those like fucking black pill incel people because I'm like, I've never.

[Gecko]

You're the opposite of the black pills.

[Otter]

You think so? I'm so happy to hear that.

[Gecko]

Yeah, go ahead, Go ahead.

[Otter]

Well, I was going to say like, yeah, I couldn't get any pussy, but like, I knew deep down it was my fault. You know what I mean? I knew that it was like my doing and not like, you know, you know, the rest of the world around me. It was my own thing.

[Gecko]

Yeah, well. Well, you're there. You're the opposite of black pill. Because the black pill is the complete. I mean the black pills death. It's complete secession of any glimmer of hope that there is any agency left or any hope left for you in your life. And you're the opposite you're continuing to push for like, like if you, like, if you're, you know, whatever, if you're not good with talking to women or you're even really anything about your life that you're unsatisfied with, but you kind of like fighting, making progress. Making progress or even just fighting, just holding on to some hope that some.

[Otter]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

Things will are malleable and that you're. You're able to change and that a future self exists, then yeah, you're out of the. The black pill. The black pill is again a complete. What? Cuz I, I don't know. I've been, I've been on a. I've been just thinking about this myself and like talking to friends about it of like the internal being a reflection of the external. And I don't. Mm. It's not a complete theory but I, I think there is a lot of truth to it because like if you're on man, if you're on Reddit and you're like talking about how you suck and you're horrible and you, you know, you have this thing and that thing happened to you and you're. That you have this thing about you or your life for the world that makes it so that you'll never be happy, then it just becomes a self reflection prophecy. I think.

[Otter]

Yeah, 100%.

[Gecko]

And even if even. Look man, because that's the thing, right? Even if you're like 29 and a virgin. If you have the fucking right. Because you're 20. When you're 29 and you're a virgin and you have the thing to be like, hey, look, I believe if I put myself out on the dating apps and I put together a presentable digital version of myself and I learn how to talk to people and I believe, you know, look, it's. I have 29 years of pretty bad data, you know, I have 29 years of data that's telling me I have 29 years of data that I could easily interpret to mean that I suck and I'm never gonna find happiness. That's the easy thing to do with that 29 years of data. But to take that 29 years of data and go, okay, that's what that was. But doesn't have to be what is forever. And then because you have that internal belief, you take the external action of going on the fucking dates and putting yourself out there, you're like, you don't. You're right. Because if you believe that nothing good would ever happen, you take no shots. You know what I mean? Exactly. Because you. And so, because you believed you took the shots and things worked out for you. So I don't know if I believe necessarily that, like, I mean, actually, you know what? Fuck it. I kind of do believe that, like in like, manifestation, in a sense of like, what you believe about, like, like you're. I like it.

[Public Representative]

Dude.

[Gecko]

I hate. I hate saying it because it just sounds so. Like it went woo, woo. When it sounds. Dude, it sounds woo woo. But it's like so logical when you break it down. It sounds. It sounds like a business success, Instagram, picture of the sky. Your only limit is your imagination. But when you. When you. But. No, no, but. But. But when you think about it, it's. It's.

[Otter]

You know, you're right.

[Gecko]

It's logical. Your breath. How you think about the world affects how you make. How you act within it. And then how you act within it is. Affects your external reality. So it makes logical sense. It's not just like some. Some woo bullshit.

[Otter]

And even if it feels like, extremely unnatural at first to go and be that unnaturally positive, right? And like, believe these things, like, it comes with time. You know what I mean? And like, I don't think that's necessarily being, like, not authentic or being like a douchebag or anything.

[Gecko]

No, not like, not at all.

[Otter]

It's. It's very much like, you know, having hope. Having hope in the system, you know, Also.

[Gecko]

Especially with something like. Especially with something like dating, right? Where it's like, you only need one, you know? Yeah, like, because, look, right, if you're like five two and you're like. And if you're five, if you're on Reddit and you're five two, and you're like, most women don't want to date a five, two guy. You're. Here's a. You're right, but that does. You're right, but that doesn't mean that you're never gonna be able to find someone. You know what I mean? Because you don't. You don't need most women or mo. You don't need most people. In any situation, in any situation in life, you don't need most people to do anything. And in this particular situation, you only need one of the eight of the infinite of them, you know?

[Otter]

And like, everybody's got something that isn't, like, traditionally attractive. You know what I mean?

[Gecko]

Sure.

[Otter]

Like, everybody. And like, at the end of the day, it's all about just like, you know, taking care of yourself, making other people feel special, like, being confident. And that's it.

[Gecko]

What's your name again? Otter.

[Otter]

Otter. Yeah, I'm going by Otter. I go by Sneaky Otter sometimes.

[Gecko]

Sneaky Otter. Yeah, Sneaky Otter. Well, thanks for sharing this with us, Sneaky Otter. I'm very. I love. I like I said I love. I love a good story of turning it around. That's my favorite thing. So I appreciate you sharing. Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

[Otter]

P is stored in the balls.

[Gecko]

Rock and roll. Later on, man. Alright, I feel like I've had to. I feel like I've talked about this bullshit on my podcast a lot, but like, yeah, I do, I do believe in, in the sense that the, the internal is a reflection of the external. And that's not a. Again, it's not a rejection of empirical fact. You know what I mean? Because I like. How do I like if you like a lot? Like people being like, oh, people only care about looks. And it's like, yes, that's true. But it doesn't. You're. You're using. How do I say this? You're looking at the data in the least favorable. There's every, every data set that, that you can look at, you can find a positive interpretation of it. I think maybe not every data set, maybe not one about. Maybe not every data set. I'm going to stop talking. I'm going to stop talking.

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[Gecko]

Hello.

[Chris]

Hello.

[Gecko]

Hey, what's your name?

[Chris]

Hello. Hello.

[Gecko]

Hi. Hi. What's your name?

[Chris]

My name is Chris.

[Gecko]

Chris. What's up, Chris?

[Chris]

Not much. I'm going to a basement show tonight.

[Gecko]

Ooh, who you seeing?

[Chris]

I don't know. I live in like kind of like Butt. Not quite Butt. Nowhere. Wisconsin. There's like 40,000 some or. No, there's like 70. Some 70,000 people in my town. So like it's kind of just like bands from Wisconsin in the area.

[Gecko]

That sounds awesome. I love that shit. How are you? Like, do you Play music?

[Chris]

No, not myself. I mean, I did like band in high school, but. Do you.

[Gecko]

No, I don't, but I love. I like that kind of. I love. What do you. What is it, like, $10 to get in?

[Chris]

It's like five bucks. Yeah.

[Gecko]

Whoo. Are you gonna have fun? Is it, like, at someone's house?

[Chris]

Yeah, yeah, it's called. Maybe some people, like, recognize this? It's called Graham jams. This is an Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

[Gecko]

Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Graham jams. That sounds fucking cool. How'd you. Is your first time going?

[Chris]

Yeah, yeah. I had a buddy who told me about it, and I've always been busy with, like, work and school and stuff, but now. Now I got the time.

[Gecko]

Cool. Are you. Are you going with your buddy or you're going alone?

[Chris]

Yeah, I'm going with that buddy. I'm gonna meet him there, and then I have somebody from work coming to join me, too.

[Gecko]

Cool. Are you still in school?

[Chris]

Yeah. Yeah. How's that going for psychology?

[Gecko]

Oh, that'll be fun. That'll be fun. Are you trying to be a. Are you trying to be a therapist?

[Chris]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I talked to you about this, like, I don't know, maybe like a month ago, actually.

[Gecko]

Oh, you are. We call. You talked to me already?

[Chris]

Yeah, yeah. You can skip me if you want. It's okay.

[Gecko]

Well, hold on, hold on. All right, hold on. You have some. Well, you're talking confidence, Chris.

[Chris]

You're like, oh, I talk to you. Give me the next guy.

[Gecko]

You have some confidence in yourself, Chris.

[Chris]

God damn it.

[Gecko]

What did we talk about? When did we talk?

[Chris]

I don't remember. I like. Well, I don't remember much of it. I remember, like. I remember, like, asking you. I was like. I was like, geck, when was the last time you had sex? And you were like, when was the last time you had sex, caller? That's like. That's the one thing I remember.

[Gecko]

Okay, well, why'd you call in again?

[Chris]

I just thought you were doing it, you know?

[Gecko]

Okay, what do you want to do with. What do you want to do with the time we have left on this phone call?

[Chris]

I don't know, man. I just want to tell you about that. I thought you'd think it was cool, you know, and.

[Gecko]

And. And Chris.

[Chris]

Huh?

[Gecko]

You were right. I do think it's cool. I think it's very cool. I like that.

[Chris]

Yeah, man. Yeah. I had. I just did two week army training, dude. I shot, like, machine guns and.

[Gecko]

Are you going into the army?

[Chris]

I already am in the army. I do, like, National Guard. Like a weekend a month type. Yeah, man.

[Gecko]

Damn. Do you think you're gonna have. Yeah. Do you think you're gonna have to.

[Chris]

Go to machine gun on top of the truck, drive that around, shoot, you know, like, shoot buildings, shoot targets, blow up.

[Gecko]

Where did. Where did they do this? This must be in, like, a remote area.

[Chris]

Yeah. So I'm not going to name, like, the installation that I do it on, but 90% of, like, army and, like, Air Force installations and forts, camps, whatever. They have, like, huge spaces of, like, woods and, like, shooting ranges and stuff to do that.

[Gecko]

Cool. What did you. Did it make you feel powerful to shoot a machine gun from the top of a truck?

[Chris]

Okay. The dog part of the army, right? Like, most people go in there, like, dude, shooting machine guns is gonna be so fun, but the army, like, sucks all the enjoyment out of it. How, like, okay, so there's so many people that. That have to go, right? And it's always planned. The army plans nothing. Well, at all. Dogs. Like, so you're sitting there just waiting all fucking day to shoot, and by the time you get out there, it's so late, you're so tired, it's so fucking hot out, you know, and there's so much, like, shit you got to do for. To be, like, safe. Like, compared to, like, if I were to just, like, shoot a machine gun, like, you know, in the. In the woods, like in the country or some shit, it's so much worse. Plus, you have to. Well, it's not even. Like, you're just shooting it to, like, practice. It's like, you have to shoot this many targets this fast. It fucking sucks, man.

[Gecko]

Huh? Well, I don't. You know, Chris, honestly, to give you a counterpoint, I don't think shooting a gun should be that fun.

[Chris]

What do you mean, man? You really. You don't want to, like. Well, you're going to be drafted to go to Iran here in, like, a week.

[Gecko]

They're not gonna. Hold on, hold on. They're not gonna draft me. They're not. They're not. I'm. I promise you I will dodge that draft. I promise you.

[Chris]

You can just say you're. You can just say you're trans. It's pretty good.

[Gecko]

Oh, I don't even have to do that. I'll just show them my blood work and they'll be like, you eat too much cotton candy for us to send you to the Middle East.

[Chris]

No, man, trust me. They have, like, cut down the restrictions on, like, weight and health stuff so much that they don't give a. About that. Really. You have to be like, very unhealthy, like, extraordinarily.

[Gecko]

But I don't know, I feel like they're looking for like, young, young boys. I'm like, they're looking for like 18 year olds.

[Chris]

I think it's up to like 30. I think the draft goes up to like 30 or some shit.

[Gecko]

Do you think we're gonna do that? You think we're gonna do it? Like we're gonna do like a whole draft?

[Chris]

No, no. I don't even think there's going to be like a war, but like, you know, next Therapy Get Go podcast is gonna be hosted from a POW camp in outside of Tehran.

[Gecko]

That would be crazy if that's. If I transitioned into covering wars.

[Chris]

No, you would be, you would be a prisoner and said POW camp, you know. Oh, shit. Like, you know how you like, went to Mexico and shit? You like people on the streets. Like, you interview other prisoners of war.

[Gecko]

Being a gecko. Being a gecko at a POW camp.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Gecko]

You know, it's funny is I like.

[Chris]

World War II or something.

[Gecko]

I live in such childlike. I live in such childlike naivete because when I think of pow, I think of the block from Mario more so than a, Than a prisoner of war camp.

[Chris]

Yeah, yeah, no, that's. That's totally fair. I, I often think in video game and TikTok terminology, you can't say to me without me making a tick tock reference.

[Gecko]

I, you know, I know I said earlier that shooting a gun shouldn't be fun, but the most fun video games on the planet are about killing people with guns, and they're extremely fun. So by the. Doing it in. But, but you know, killing people with guns in video games is really fun. By killing people with guns in real life. Sounds horrific. I don't think that should be fun at all.

[Chris]

I mean, there's, there's definitely people who, who enjoy it. I mean, not that many, I don't think. I don't think many, many people in the military enjoy. Enjoy killing.

[Gecko]

There's got to be a few.

[Chris]

There's definitely a few.

[Gecko]

But like, do you want. You. Do you have a lust for blood, Chris?

[Chris]

Nah, man. I do this shit for the. The bennies, the benefits.

[Gecko]

Are you gonna punch someone in the face in the mosh pit tonight?

[Chris]

Nah, I'm. I'm weak and frail and twinkish. I have a girlish figure, so real skinny guy.

[Gecko]

You know, I feel like actually this was a good phone call.

[Chris]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Gecko]

I Think this is worse.

[Chris]

I was like.

[Gecko]

I was like, no, this was perfect. This was a perfect way to end this.

[Chris]

We're talking about like the Gecko POW Camp and like killing people.

[Gecko]

No, just, you know, don't. We don't have to think about it too much. I think we can just. I just intuitively believe this was a good way to end the podcast today.

[Chris]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sure. I'm the. I'm the last one, man.

[Gecko]

You know? Last one.

[Chris]

Wow. I saw that. It was like an hour. Like I always get these like notifications from your Instagram so story. That's how I find out. I saw. I was like, this is an hour ago. I was like, yeah, I'm not. I'm not getting into this.

[Gecko]

Chris, what's up? Is there anything else you want to say to the people at the computer before we go?

[Chris]

Man, whatever you do, go out and find to do, like even me, like, I work and go to school all the time, but I promise you there's like to do somewhere, something. Unless you live in like the middle of nowhere, then you're fucked.

[Gecko]

But like, don't you leave. Hold on, wait. Don't you live in the middle of nowhere? Isn't that what you're just saying?

[Chris]

Okay, compared to like, I don't know, like big cities like Minneapolis, New York, Philly, shit like that Eau Claire is some. Some people in the. In those bigger cities think it's pretty small. But.

[Gecko]

I like the sentiment though. I like. I think it's good to do things.

[Chris]

Yeah. Yeah. N. Cuz otherwise like, I just hate everything. And I'm just like a robot. I just like go make money and then spend money on school. You know, you got to spend money on like other like video games and basement shows.

[Gecko]

I like your ethos, Chris. I hope you have a fun time with this basement show. I don't know why I said it that like Mike Tyson just now. I think it's cuz I almost burped. Okay, okay. I think. I think. I think this was good. I hope you enjoy this basement show. And again, you were right. I do think it's cool. I think it's very cool. I like doing shit. I like hearing about cheap cool shit existing in places outside of major cities. And I am very happy that you relayed this information not only to me, but to the listeners.

[Chris]

I know, man. Yeah. If you guys can. Can make it to this city in one hour and figure out the address, it'll.

[Gecko]

It'll. This will be. By the time I post this. It'll be the show be.

[Chris]

No, there's the guys listening to the, to the live stream and oh sure, I guarantee none of them even live in Wisconsin.

[Gecko]

But, you know, you don't know that. You don't know anything, Chris. You cannot assume a single thing about anything that you even, even the things you know, you must be skeptical of.

[Chris]

Num. You know, people who are stupid and gullible are like, pretty happy. Have you noticed that?

[Gecko]

I have noticed that.

[Chris]

I'm trying to live a little bit like that, you know, and I'm pretty happy. So there you go.

[Gecko]

Okay. In that case, believe everything you hear, be skeptical of nothing and, and you'll be happier. That is a little. Yeah, that is a little true. I'll see you around the universe, Chris. Thank you for calling.

[Chris]

Yeah, man. Have a good night.

[Gecko]

You too. That was lovely. Thank you very much everyone for listening to the Therapy Gecko podcast today. Good calls today. Talking to Otter was cool. Talking to Erica was cool. Talking to Chris was cool. Good calls today. Good episode of the pod. Good pod. I love a good pod. I love, I love when I, when I take off the gecko head and I'm like, this was a good one. I liked that one. Today's one of those days. Stay beautiful and see you. See you next time. Geck. Bless.

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[Gecko]

This is an I Heart podcast.