Therapy Gecko: “I WAS IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP”

Podcast: Therapy Gecko (iHeartPodcasts)
Host: Lyle
Date: September 24, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Therapy Gecko (Lyle) opens the lines to discuss breakups, emotional growth, and the complexities of toxic and healthy relationships. Callers share stories of navigating heartbreak, learning from unhealthy dynamics, and working through social anxieties and personal insecurities. Lyle brings his usual irreverent gecko wisdom and humor, helping callers reflect, process their feelings, and find practical takeaways.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Laura’s Breakup and Quest for Fulfillment

Timestamps: 03:18–33:01

The Breakup Story

• Laura shares her recent breakup after a seven-year on-and-off relationship with her high school boyfriend.
• She’s surprised by her relative emotional stability post-breakup, usually expecting heartbreak.
• Laura explains her reasons: seeking growth, wanting to move states, pursuing bartending and audio engineering, and a desire not to settle for stability over fulfillment.
  • "I'm 23 right now, and I'm not really looking for something stable. I'm trying to move out of the state… I want bartending experience…" (04:57)

Relationship Dynamics

• Laura felt her boyfriend was “husband material” but not sexually compatible (“a little vanilla in bed”), despite trying to communicate and improve things.
  • "To be honest, not like it was the whole thing, but a big part of it was he was a little vanilla in bed." (09:43)
  • Laura brought in a sex game to spice things up, but it felt forced and only occasionally helped.
  • Lyle compares board games in sex to social settings: "We were having a nice, normal, natural time, and now you want to put fucking all these rules and things. It’s just… the sex version of Cards Against Humanity." (10:55)

Infidelity During the Break?

• Laura describes a week-long break during which she hooked up with someone at a music festival who met her needs for attention and sexual fulfillment.
• The boundaries of the break were ambiguous, leading to some guilt and confusion.
  • "I mean, if he communicated with me honestly, no [I wouldn't be upset], because communication is number one." (15:37)
  • Lyle acknowledges emotional complexities and lack of clean breaks: "There's never going to be a clean cut emotionally… that's just, I think, part of life." (19:46)

Emotional Processing and Reflection

• Laura notes she lost herself in the relationship, with her own goals on hold (“the love chemical overtaking me”).

• Realizes part of her peace comes from having “calculated every possible outcome” and feeling she’s already done all she could.

  • "After seven years you've done the whole Dr. Strange, I've calculated several million… ways in which this could go and there's no way it works out.” (21:43)

• Discusses comparison and envy of her ex’s stability and financial freedom.

  • "Comparison is the thief of joy. I feel like I should have had more money saved up by now, and I just wish I was in a more stable place." (27:31, 30:05)

• Lyle urges her not to check up on her ex, as it only fosters negative self-comparison.

Notable Quotes

• Laura: "Love never hurts. Always say kind things." (31:51)
• Lyle: "I think it's worth it to take the ride, as long as you're not hurting anyone." (24:37)

Lighthearted Close

• Laura recommends Lyle try watching a comfort movie in a bubble bath, defending the restorative power of self-care rituals. (32:00)

2. Lyle & Zach: On Emotional Fluctuations and Existential Angst

Timestamps: 39:33–53:38

Lyle’s Reflection on Mood Swings

• Lyle shares experiences of rapidly swinging moods—from existential hopelessness to feeling on top of the world.
  • "My mood fluctuates so deeply… is it normal to just exist in oscillation between ‘it’s over’ and ‘we’re so back?’" (39:44)

Zach’s Evolutionary and Psychological Perspective

• Zach, an academic, provides evolutionary context: humans aren’t built for constant happiness—just survival and existence.
  • "I don't think our default gear is happy. I think it's just kind of existing, you know?" (43:38)
• Discusses overstimulation and the difficulty of maintaining emotional equilibrium in the age of social media.

Acceptance and “Optimal Arousal”

• Lyle and Zach debate the idea of self-acceptance versus striving for growth.
  • Lyle: "I take [‘you’re enough’] with a grain of salt… Sometimes I’ve gotten TOO accepting of myself… sometimes you want to resist, sometimes you want to accept—it's a yin-yang thing." (46:44–51:32)
• Zach brings in “Optimal Arousal Theory”—we’re always balancing between boredom and anxiety for best functioning. (51:32)

Notable Quotes

• Lyle: "I'd rather have it like that—I just want all of it. Every truly despondent, awful feeling and circumstance... grateful to have had it." (45:43)
• Zach: "It's a constant balancing act... trying to find that optimal level of arousal." (51:32)

3. Zach’s Toxic Relationship: Recognition, Recovery, and Healing

Timestamps: 53:38–72:56

The Story of an Unhealthy Relationship

• Zach details a year-plus relationship dominated by emotional volatility, lack of accountability, and emotional labor.

  • His partner would deflect or invalidate apologies, citing her upbringing or previous relationships, refusing to do the work of change.
  • "I understand those aspects were not great. But like, I'm not a lesson for you. I'm a human being with feelings, you know?" (54:25)

• The “front stage/back stage” dynamic: his ex was kind, charismatic, and funny around others; privately, she was unhappy, critical, and unable to joke or accept feedback.

  • "The person I fell for and the person I dated were two completely different people." (58:02)

• She withheld support when Zach was struggling, focusing instead on her own needs:

  • "I know you're going through a lot, but I wish you would think about how it impacts me." (66:54)

Post-Breakup Reflections

• Zach feels cognitive dissonance, missing her idealized self but grateful to be away from toxicity.
• Describes the contrast between his toxic relationship (“walking on eggshells”) and a subsequent healthy one:
  • "It was just so weird not being scared all the time, you know?" (69:17)

Advice for Listeners

• "If you're in a relationship that you think is not healthy, take a step back and look at it as if your sibling or friend were in it… the first step is recognizing.” (71:37)

4. Angie’s Social Anxiety and Growth

Timestamps: 77:00–82:44

Conquering Social Fears

• Angie follows up after a work trip to NYC, proud of overcoming her fears and putting herself out there socially and professionally.
• She recounts a mishap (getting a public drinking citation with a White Claw), but mostly celebrates successes: meeting new industry contacts, striking up conversations, and exploring NYC.
  • "I put myself out there a lot more than I thought I would. I'm proud of myself." (80:32)

Mutual Encouragement

• Angie jokingly questions if she said awkward things, but Lyle reassures her—reminding her (and himself) it doesn’t matter, everyone feels this way sometimes.
  • "Even if you did, it doesn't matter." (80:45)

Final Thoughts

• Angie: "Absolutely not. Have a beautiful week. Love you all." (82:41)

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Laura on self-awareness:
  "Maybe I'm actually a different person now after seven years, and maybe he's a different person now… and life has this natural transience to it… That's just a thing that you gotta kind of, I think, bear through in order to see what else could fulfill you." (23:05, Lyle)
• Zach on breaking toxic cycles:
  "I'm not a lesson for you. I'm a human being with feelings." (54:25)
• Lyle on nostalgia and existence:
  "I don't think any piece of advice or any popular anything is truly applicable to everyone... Put a big asterisk on it all." (46:44)
• Angie’s NYC adventure:
  "I was like, are you serious?... so I just finished my White Claw while he was writing my citation because I spent money on it." (77:20)

Key Takeaways

• Breakups can be less devastating when paired with clarity, growth, and acceptance of new directions in life.
• Sexual compatibility, communication, and feeling prioritized are crucial for relationship health.
• Emotional guilt and confusion during breaks or ambiguous boundaries are normal; clear communication is key.
• Toxic relationships often involve cycles of invalidation; hindsight and comparing to a friend’s perspective can help reveal unhealthy dynamics.
• Healing requires recognizing your own value, setting boundaries, and sometimes learning what a healthy dynamic feels like.
• Social anxiety is a universal struggle; progress is worth celebrating, and perceived awkwardness is often exaggerated in our minds.

Notable Segment Timestamps

• Laura’s breakup and discussion on compatibility: 03:18–33:01
• Philosophical reflections on happiness (Lyle & Zach): 39:33–53:38
• Zach’s toxic relationship and healing: 53:38–72:56
• Angie’s NYC update & overcoming anxiety: 77:00–82:44

Episode Tone

Therapy Gecko maintains a candid, often humorous but compassionate approach to heavy topics, blending personal sharing, vulnerable moments, philosophy, and wit. Lyle’s persona as an unlicensed lizard psychologist creates a nonjudgmental space where nothing is too weird or real.

Summary for New Listeners

This episode gives an honest, layered look at what it means to leave unhealthy relationships, the struggle to find oneself post-breakup, and the ongoing work of emotional growth. Real-life callers bring stories of setbacks, victories, and gradual healing—with Lyle offering both levity and insight, making it as relatable as it is entertaining.