Therapy Gecko – “I WATCH MY EX ON ONLYFANS”
Podcast: Therapy Gecko
Host: Lyle (Matt)
Date: October 29, 2025
Episode Overview
This episode of Therapy Gecko dives into intimate, meandering conversations with three callers: Pete, a recent high school grad and janitor/aspiring audio engineer; "Devin," a 20-year-old navigating heartbreak, obsessive habits, and city life in Montreal after a recent breakup with an OnlyFans creator; and James, a grad student studying clinical psychology, exploring the existential questions of selfhood and change.
Lyle moves seamlessly between light-hearted banter, confessional exchanges, and philosophical musings, revealing the complex emotional landscape of young adulthood—touching on growth, relationships, identity, and the surprising comfort of hearing about other people’s lives.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Pete: Janitor Dreams, DIY Music, and Growing Up in Mormon Utah
[02:36–32:02]
- Cycles of Habits & Life Lessons
Matt opens up about his personal cycles—breaking bad habits, the illusion of “fixing” oneself, and learning (and relearning) lessons in adulthood. Pete immediately identifies:
- Quote (Matt, 06:25): “It’s hard to learn a lesson once and for all in anything that I do. There’s so many lessons I have to learn over and f***ing over again.”
- Pete’s Dual Life: Janitor & Audio Intern
Pete shares his current work as a high school janitor and his passion for audio engineering, describing his love for live music, concerts, and a promising internship:
- Quote (Pete, 10:00): “I've got this internship for what I want to do—live audio stuff... I love it so much better than this janitor job.”
- Building Community Through DIY Shows
Pete laments a derailed plan to organize a house show with friends and acquaintances. Matt encourages him to move forward even when people ghost, highlighting the challenge of dependence versus self-reliance.
- Quote (Matt, 15:09): “Don’t delay it because other people in the group chat aren’t responding. That’s one of the tough things about life...you try to set yourself up so you need other people as little as humanly possible, and then somewhere down the line you realize you do need other people.”
- Religion, Family, and Salt Lake City
They discuss Mormon culture in Utah, family dynamics post-divorce, and generational divides in religious belief.
- Pete’s Reality (17:45): “My stepdad just got like three massive generators that can power our house for two days... Maybe they are secretly crazy, but they’re not, like, crazy crazy.”
- They bond over having families with different religious engagement.
- Moving On and Planning for the Future
Pete reveals plans to attend Utah Valley University, setbacks (like a broken car wiping out savings), and acknowledges his relatively fortunate situation:
- Quote (Matt, 29:05): “That makes me feel good... someone just graduated high school in Utah, doing audio engineering, parents are nice, not going into debt. That’s pretty good.”
- Quote (Pete, 30:02): "You're making me look back and be like, wow, I do have a great life."
2. Devin: Heartbreak, OnlyFans Obsession, and Rediscovering Self
[36:10–66:02]
- Alone in Montreal After Breakup
“Devin” moved to Montreal with his girlfriend, now ex—feeling lost after the breakup, stuck in a city where he barely speaks French.
- Quote (Devin, 39:31): “Officially, it was like three months ago. But, like, we stopped talking, like, three weeks ago.”
- The OnlyFans Spiral
Struggling to move on, Devin compulsively buys his ex’s content on OnlyFans, describing an addictive cycle of needing connection and familiarity.
- Quote (Devin, 44:03): “Yeah, man. It’s fucked.”
- Quote (Matt, 44:55): “That is a new phenomenon for the brain... now you can purchase some form of sexual intimacy with her.”
- Habits, Healing, and Neuroplasticity
Matt reframes Devin's situation—normalizing the pain, reminding him healing is possible, and encouraging him to break out of isolating patterns.
- Quote (Matt, 50:59): “Good news for you, Devin: a concept known as neuroplasticity… There exists a universe where you’re no longer thinking about your ex while masturbating or buying photos of her and shit.”
- Social Survival: Going Out Alone
Encouraged to attend a rave solo, Devin gets a pep talk on loneliness, discomfort, and the importance of social risk-taking for emotional growth.
- Quote (Matt, 59:03): “You’re not going to get that reminder by staying in your house... only by challenging yourself to do something uncomfortable.”
- Attention, Self-Esteem, and Patience
They dig into the cycle of seeking female attention to fill the void, and Matt emphasizes finding meaning and contentment first.
- Quote (Matt, 62:41): “You gotta somehow get yourself to a place where you don’t feel like you need that... It is true, that once you get to the point where you don’t need that, you start to just like feel healthy.”
3. James: Clinical Psychology, Identity, and the Multiplicity of Self
[69:01–99:16]
- Studying the Mind & Appreciating the Gecko Approach
James, a clinical psychology grad student, praises the show for its openness and curiosity, aligning it with concepts of exploration in first-stage therapy.
- Quote (James, 74:46): “Listening to your calls—it’s been really inspiring to hear how people open up even in environments you wouldn’t expect.”
- Versions of the Self: Consistency vs. Complexity
Lyle and James discuss having multiple “selves” for different situations and whether it’s virtuous (or even possible) to always be the same person.
- Quote (Matt, 80:50): “I always feel like I have, like, five different versions of myself... There’s definitely versions more proud of than others, but they all come together to make me.”
- Quote (James, 81:00): “We contain multitudes.”
- Existential Loops: Do Old Selves Die?
Weed-fueled existential thoughts surface: Are we the same person as our past selves? Does change fragment us, or is continuity an illusion?
- Quote (James, 91:31): “I wonder—am I really the same consciousness? Almost like Ship of Theseus style... are past versions dead, or am I a totally new dude?”
- The Futility and Blessing of Being Yourself
Matt muses on the relentless process of existing, briefly comparing the self to an incurable “disease” that must be managed.
- Quote (Matt, 94:48): “You’re kind of you until you die, I think. But if you think of yourself as, like, a disease…there’s no cure for the cancer of being myself yet. But with chemotherapy, it can be managed and a good life can still be lived.”
- Final Thoughts & Podcast as Therapy
James leaves listeners with two pieces of advice:
- Try to understand others to reduce spite.
- Read more Kurt Vonnegut.
Notable Quotes & Time Stamps
-
“It’s hard to learn a lesson once and for all in anything that I do.”
— Matt, [06:25] -
“You try to set yourself up so you need other people as little as humanly possible, and then somewhere down the line you realize you do need other people.”
— Matt, [15:09] -
“My stepdad just got like three massive generators... Maybe they are secretly crazy, but they’re not, like, crazy crazy.”
— Pete, [17:45] -
“That is a new phenomenon for the brain...now you can purchase some form of sexual intimacy.”
— Matt, [44:55] -
“There exists a universe where you’re no longer thinking about your ex while masturbating.”
— Matt, [50:59] -
“We contain multitudes.”
— James, [81:00] -
“You’re kind of you until you die, I think. But...there’s no cure for the cancer of being myself yet. But with...chemotherapy, it can be managed and a good life can still be lived.”
— Matt, [94:48]
Timestamps for Significant Segments
-
Pete (Janitor & Audio Intern): [02:36–32:02]
- Cyclical life lessons, family, DIY music, moving plans
-
Devin (Montreal, Post-breakup, OnlyFans): [36:10–66:02]
- Breakup aftermath, obsessive behaviors, social survival, solo rave
-
James (Clinical Psychology Student): [69:01–99:16]
- Psychology insight, identity, existential questions
Tone & Style
Throughout the episode, Lyle’s tone is frank, playful, curious, and empathetic, rarely shying away from dark humor or personal vulnerability. The conversations organically shift from silly to profound, always rooted in real struggle or sincere self-reflection. The callers’ stories and Lyle’s musings stand as small, relatable case studies of the broader human themes of growth, disappointment, connection, longing, and self-acceptance.
For New Listeners
This episode is a quintessential Therapy Gecko ride: full of modern existential twists, honest admissions, and practical (if sometimes meandering) advice. The show offers reassurance—whatever weird cycle you find yourself in, you’re not the only one.
End of Summary