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Geck
What's your name?
Malachi
My name is Malachi.
Geck
Malachi. What's up Malachi? How's life?
Malachi
Dude, life is nuts. I. This is weird. I told myself I wouldn't be nervous, but you always say don't be nervous and it's just a. It's just a gift.
Geck
So the central nervous system does not. The central nervous system does not respond to logic, only instinct. It's okay. Its instincts will eventually catch up to the logic takes a second. What's up, man? What's nuts? Dude?
Malachi
I've been dealing with. I know you on your podcast recently have been dealing with a lot of, like, existential dread.
Geck
Sure.
Malachi
And I have a purophobia. I don't know if, you know, that is like a. It's a fear of eternity. And so I know you don't necessarily have, like, you say that you're not really spiritual or really believe in a whole lot, but I. I'm a Christian, and so it's weird for me because it's like, the idea of what's supposed to be my spiritual inheritance, you know, is like, the most terrifying thing to me. So it's something strange that I've been battling for since I was, like, a kid, and. Yeah, I guess that's it.
Geck
Interesting. Okay, so tell me what you believe as a Christian is your spiritual inheritance.
Malachi
Yeah, well, I believe when I die, obviously, if you believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross and came back to life and you. I mean, repentance is its own thing within that, but that you would be able to live in eternity forever with, you know, Jesus and everyone else that did that. And so I guess for me, it's just like. It's weird. I'll be sitting there and I'll think of like, oh, well, it's 1 million years. You know, you're. You're there for 1 million years, and it's like, oh, well, it's not just that you're there for 2 million and 3 million and 4 million and 5 million. And so it's like. I don't know if it's like, a weird OCD thing, but I'll. I'll start snapping where I'm just. I'll be like, oh, every snap is a billion years. And it will pull me into, like, almost full panic mode where I'm like, My wife will be sitting there. She's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm freaking out, but it's weird. And then I'll. I've been smoking recently to try and kind of combat it, but it's sometimes made it worse. Almost like, more paranoid.
Geck
Right. How old are you?
Malachi
I'm 23.
Geck
And you've had this fear for your whole life?
Malachi
Yeah, I would say since I was around, like, the 10 to 12 age. Like, I want to say it was weird. Like, I'd start thinking about it, and it would, like, really mess me up as a kid. And I didn't really know what anxiety was or what you know, panic attacks were. Or anything like that. And then my stepbrother passed away. This is kind of messed up, but he. He committed suicide. And so I started getting panic attacks even worse then. And then it kind of came back in to that too. I feel like the idea of death really, like, encompassed everything that I was thinking. And I felt like I had to do things out of spite to, you know, like, everything. I feel like everything you do in life is like, out of spite of your own death. And so it's coming. You're on the train no matter what. There's no way to get around it. And so it's weird because it's like I almost. The idea of me being able to die and there just be nothing for eternity. Like, I. I wouldn't be conscious. So that almost sounds more enjoyable than being conscious for eternity. And it messes me up because it's like. Well, that's directly against my beliefs. So it's very. It's very strange and it makes me feel like, uneasy. It's like the same idea. There was some guy that I was listening to literally yesterday at work that you were talking to that had like the fear of planets and like the sun. Like, he was. He said he was a amateur astronaut.
Geck
I remember that.
Public Ad Voice
That's.
Geck
That was like. Yeah, a year and a half ago. I remember talking to that guy. Yeah, yeah, he was afraid.
Malachi
So it's kind of. It's like the same idea of that. It's like just how crazily big, like, that number is, like with eternity or with other planets and stuff. Because I get the same thing. Like, my wife and I will go up. We live in Tucson, and there's like a big old mountain up here. And sometimes we'll drive up. And so it's. The higher you go up, the less light pollution there is. And I literally, like, I'll get fearful, like I'm going to fall off the edge of the earth. Like, it's weird. I feel like, uneasy. It's. It's weird. And it's been bothering me for weeks. And so I'll listen to your show and there's people that are talking about like, the existential dread thing. And I'm like, I am. Have been dealing with that horribly.
Quincy
Hmm.
Geck
So, well, tell me more about your beliefs. Like, do you. I mean, this question generally, like, do you. Do you have conviction in your beliefs?
Malachi
Conviction? How so? Like, like, if I'm wrong, I'm like, well, well, conviction.
Geck
Your beliefs in the sense of like, you're talking about death as a Secession of any consciousness for all of eternity versus your belief of Christianity being that your spiritual inheritance upon death is eternity with Jesus Christ in heaven.
Malachi
Yeah, I guess it's just pretty. It's. For me, it's just, like, pretty straightforward. I feel like, like, one breath out, you're here on Earth. Like, it's just. I don't know if this is what you're asking, but one breath out, I'm dead, and then the next breath in, I'm like. I just. I see the gates, you know?
Geck
Yeah. So that's. That's. That's your conviction?
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
Okay.
Malachi
Hmm.
Geck
I'm trying to figure out how I want to have this conversation with you because I think it's good to. Well, actually, no, I'll ask you this. I think you're a smart guy. Like, do you ever. And I don't mean this. I swear on my life, I don't mean this in a leading way. I genuinely, again, ask, do you ever question your beliefs?
Malachi
So, for me, the doubts come up a lot more with kind of what I'm battling in life. And so right now, I'm battling there's, like, a lot of pornography that I'm trying to get around. I. I grew up kind of not having a whole lot of confidence in myself, and so I viewed sex as like a I love you. I guess, like, if I got that with someone, then that meant they loved me. And so recently, it's like, if I'm not doing so well, I definitely get the doubts of, like, why am I. Like, why am I doing this? What is this? What is this for? Or, like, right now I'm, like, at work, I don't. Like, I have a good job, but it's not at all what I want to be doing. And I think that plays into the dread, too, is, like. I'm like, is eternity just gonna be me doing things that I don't want to do forever and ever and ever? And so there. I would say there's. There's definitely those doubts that, you know, like, what if. What if it's bad? What if it's not all good? Because it says, like, you know, God keeps his promises in the Bible, like, everything is good. But for me, it's like, a lot of my joy through life comes through, like, battling an experience and growth and saying, hey, I'm better than I was, you know, a year ago. But that doesn't really happen in heaven. It's apparently supposed to be just, like, all good and all great. And I'm like, what the heck? How Do I? You know, like. And it's always forever changing. It says it's never going to get boring. And I'm like, am I going to be able to play Skate 4? You know, it's like. I like, yeah.
Geck
Heaven is definitely full of Skate four setups, for sure. That's absolutely. I hope so. Positive.
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
Skate 4, they got Grand Theft Auto 7 up there. It's great.
Malachi
Grand Theft Auto 7 before my death.
Geck
Interesting. So, okay, because one of the questions I was gonna ask you is like, why? I mean, just the simple one of, like, why are you afraid of eternity? And I guess one of the ways you're answering it is like, okay, so in eternity, if everything is always great and amazing, fucking awesome, forever, and we live in utopia and there's heaven, and everything is an orgasmic beam of eternal light and sunshine and harmony for all of eternity forever. And Jesus is there and he's jacked, and everyone has a billion dollars and whatever the fuck. You know what I mean? It's like, how. How is there. How is there measurable growth? Right.
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
And that's what makes you. That's what gives you happiness.
Malachi
That's. That's a big part. I feel like.
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That'S.
Geck
You know, that's. Go ahead, go ahead.
Malachi
Yeah, sorry. I feel like it's the idea of the sun shines brighter the harder it rains.
Geck
Yeah.
Malachi
You know, like, how it's so confusing in my head. One, just the idea of existing forever. But two, like, how. How do I measure happiness without sadness? Because, like, I've seen some. I'd say some really bad stuff in my life, like I was saying with my brother, and there's been a lot more traumatic things as I've grown up, but I feel like where I'm at now, like, I'm. I just got married. I've been married for three months. And, like, it's like I've. I've built this thing that, like, I have so much. I don't know how to explain it. Like, I, like, I built this thing from the ground up. And so I'm proud of the fact of where I've got to. And so it's like, if I just enter heaven, it's like, oh, here's your house, here's your million Jesus dollars. Here's your. You know, like, I'm just kind of like, okay, but what do I have to do? You know? Like, what's my sense of purpose?
Geck
Yeah.
Malachi
If I'm gonna be there forever?
Geck
Well, I mean, yeah, dude, I got tons of thoughts about this. Is how did you. Were your parents Christians?
Malachi
Yeah. So my. It's kind of crazy, actually. My family, like, two or three generations up, actually were the earliest Mormon settlers in the U.S. so all of Utah. And I don't know if, you know, like, I think it's called Bear Lake, was actually settled by my. His name is Charles Coulson Rich. And so my family's Mormon, coming all the way down the line. And then when it came to my mom, my mom said, screw this, and converted to Christianity. And so, yeah, it was like, kind of since I was born, like, I was dedicated at my church. And I'd say, growing up, I kind of always went to church because that's just what my parents had me do. But then I dated some girl and was like, I want to kind of figure out my own life. And after she was. She was pretty abusive to me for three years. And so after that, I kind of. I'd say, really, like, laid my life down to Christ. That's been. I'd say, two or two or three years. And like, my wife, now I'm at a church, and it's been pretty good. It's just. Yeah, I'd say, like, realistically, my actual beliefs only started about two or three years ago.
Geck
Do you. Do you. When did you. When did you start to believe or I guess arrive at the conclusion that there is this definitive eternal life in heaven?
Malachi
I'd say, probably, geez, dude. I probably, like, in my teens somewhere, I'd say, like, 14 to 16. Did I really like. Because I was going to church with my family a lot, and they're always like, you're gonna go to hell if you, you know, if this doesn't work out or this doesn't work out, you need to, you know, be this way and be, you know, I guess it wasn't like, be this way, but it's like, you know, you gotta believe in Christ and go to heaven. I'm like, okay, cool. Well, that's like, ultimate goal, right? And I'm like, what am I gonna enjoy about this ultimate goal? And I started really thinking into it, and it's like. It's weird because I've. I was talking to pastors and stuff, and I tell them, like, I felt like I was crazy because I'd be on Reddit, I'd be like, looking up, why do I have a fear of eternity? And there's like, a Reddit thread called a purophobia, and there's apparently a lot more people that have.
Geck
What. What do people on that Reddit thread say, what? Kind of, like, other people who are dealing with this, what do they have to say about it?
Malachi
It's. Well, it's not just for Christianity. It's for everything. And so it's like, some people have the fear of, like, oh, when I'm dead, I'm. I'm gonna never be alive again. You know, I'm just gonna float off into the cosmos. But there's other people that do kind of have the same things. For me, I actually read an entire research paper that this guy made for his college class. It was for, like, theology, but it was called, like, for and Against Eternal Life. And he basically explains, like, you know, how God is as he is stated in the Bible and basically what his fears were and then what the pros and cons were of having eternal life. And so it. I mean, I read it and it, like, kind of helped, but it kind of didn't. And so it's just. It's weird. It's kind of just people saying the same thing. Sometimes people kind of get over it over time, and they say, I eat this thing. And a lot of people are just saying, like, if it's within your belief, you have to believe that God is greater than, like, what these fears are being stirred up against.
Geck
Yeah.
Malachi
And.
Geck
Yeah, it's.
Malachi
It's like the idea of letting go and just like. Like nirvana, you know, like, letting go and being in that state.
Geck
So let me.
Malachi
It's.
Geck
Sorry, go ahead. I want to know you're good. Before I cut in, I was just.
Malachi
Gonna say it's weird, but you're good.
Geck
Well, let me say this. For. For me to have this conversation with you is. Yeah. You know, I talk on the podcast a lot about, like, existential crises and thinking about death and thinking about eternity and thinking about the big questions and really, like, you know, I had a whole period of time. For most of this year, I feel. I fucking feel great now. I feel the best I ever have. But for most of this year, I felt like I was in outer space and I took my helmet off and I had to be directly confronted with the. These, like, big questions. And I thought about, like, God and I thought about, yeah, these big questions of eternity and death and nothingness and whatnot. And I. I've become increasingly. Increasingly agnostic because I think that, like. Well, I think that God and the idea of, like. Like, the idea of, like, submission, like, what you just said when you talked about, like, God's plan, you know, and submitting to God's plan and letting go, I Whether or not I'm not a. I'm not a Christian, and I don't think I believe in any sort of like. Like, I don't. I don't think there's like a dude in a heaven necessarily. Yeah, Again, I'm becoming. I am becoming further. Further agnostic towards the idea of there being some kind of like, unseen plane or dimension or it could all just be, you know, I don't. I don't know. I. Yeah, but anyway, anyway, God's plan. Right? Okay. And this is. And by the way, if you're listening to this and you're like, what the fi. I don't. There's no God or whatever. It's like, that's not. You're not. It's not the point. It's not about a physical God. There is logically God's plan in the sense of the universe continues to march forward. Not with any kind of like, agentic plan made by a God, but it marches forward. And you.
Malachi
Yeah, it's like, it's on.
Geck
And you and you and you are on it. And it contains an unfathomable amount of uncertainty. And I think God and God's plan is an allegory for that uncertainty. Okay. And so there's something to be said about submitting yourself to that uncertainty, aka, in your case, as a Christian, submitting yourself to God's plan. And I think there's something extremely peaceful about that. And I almost think that the crisis also. Some people never have the crisis. They didn't just never have it. I don't know how you live on this fucking planet and you never have the crisis, but some people never have it. You're blessed. You're blessed enough truly to be endowed with the gift of the realization of the. Of the. Of the insane cosmic predicament that you're in. Yeah. And it's diet. It's diabolically uncomfortable. It's diabolically uncomfortable. And when I was in it, I thought I was gonna have to kill myself. I thought. I thought there was no return back to, you know, eating a slice of pizza and talking about a movie I just saw. You know, I thought there was no return. And I since feel very returned. I since feel even more at harmony with, you know, the. The fucking Matrix or whatever that we're living in, that we have. Are uncertain about if, you know, it's. It's real. And I can speak on that as my personal experience. And I'll say that what people are saying in that subreddit about submission to God's plan. And again, people get all crazy about, like, religion and stuff, and it's like, you don't. You don't have to believe in God to know, to, like, submit to God's plan if you believe. God's plan is just an allegory for the uncertainty that we have about things in the universe, like consciousness and eternity and where we, you know, how we're able to do all the amazing fucking things that we. We do as conscious beings. But I think it's uncomfortable. But you kind of gradually learn to submit yourself to it. And there's a lot of love in realizing that everyone. You're in the same unfathomable cosmic predicament as every single other living thing and person around you. And you're all gonna submit together as this collective consciousness. And it's. It's. It's kind of beautiful, and it's gonna be whatever it is, and you're not alone. You're the universe experiencing itself, and you'll be okay. And then you can go, you know, fucking watch a movie and. And jack off. I know you're trying to not jack off, but, you know.
Malachi
Yeah, let's not. Let's not do that. No, but I completely understand what you're saying. Like, I feel like whether or not you believe or not, you're still on this fucking train, man. You're. You're still marching towards the end. And so for me, I'm sorry.
Geck
I didn't mean to drop. It's not about. I don't know if it's about belief. I think it's about submission.
Malachi
Yeah, well, it's like, whatever. Like. Yeah, that makes sense. Like what. Whatever it is, you have to submit to the train.
Geck
Yes. You have to submit to the train.
Malachi
Is continually going forward. And then you're just. Whenever you're done, whatever happens is like, okay, like, you. You made it to the end of that train ride.
Geck
And there's also. Sorry, go ahead. I want to let you talk.
Malachi
No, you're good. I was just going to say, for me, it's like, it's kind of cool. Like, you and I both, in the general sense have had the same, you know, like. Like you were saying, like, the. I don't know how people get through life without having this happen to them. Yeah, but it's like, for you, that brought you to even more of going, like, okay, well, I'm not gonna. I don't think there's any, like, you know, God in heaven, you know, type of a thing. It's just God is like the Universe, which is nuts because that's actually like directly what my brother believes. For me, it's pushed me more into.
Geck
It and so that makes perfect sense.
Malachi
Yeah, it's like gnarly because it's like I'm more uncomfortable as I go on, but it's like I do find that sense of peace of like, I'll watch a movie or whatever and I've. It's like I almost break the fourth wall in the movie and I'm like, oh, yeah, that's just an actor. That's how they're gonna die.
Geck
Yep.
Malachi
You know?
Geck
Yep.
Malachi
And so it's like all of us, we're. We're the entire generation that we are all living in. It's like in 100, 150 years, we're all gone. There will be a complete new cycle of new people that will be on earth.
Geck
Yep.
Malachi
It's weird.
Geck
It's not. It's the. It's. It's. What's your name again?
Malachi
Malachi.
Geck
Malachi, I think you have. I still have existential crises. And I'm not like I'm figuring this out with you as I'm trying to gain greater clarity on it, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I think that there is. There's a. So cuz you're. You know what it is. Part of is. Is like your. There's a sense of like ego, I think. And I have. I have tons of ego for sure. And I. And I care a lot about, like, what I'm experiencing is my own life, especially when I'm not. Especially when I'm not, you know, having esoteric conversations. And I'm just going about my. And I'm deeply entrenched in the fucking Matrix in my day to day, which is 95% of the time. But there's something truly extremely peaceful because I assume that's what your mind and body want is peace because you're in such a deeply uncomfortable position. But you'll find, I think you can find peace in like probably two things, which is. One is deciding like on the, on the ego side of the spectrum is like deciding what is going to give you meaning and progression in your own experience of your own life, which you talked about already because you were like, I like. That's what I like about my life. You're like, I built this thing with my wife. I'm building this career that's, you know, heaven sucks ass. It's like the game is on, you know, 100% completion. I want to Play the fucking game. You're enjoying playing the game, so that's good. That's real. That's. That's. That's where you find peace on the one part and the ego part. And then on the. On the flipping. On the. On the. On the whole thing of, like, oh, I have to at some point relinquish my ego and die. There's something extremely beautiful about submitting to. About coming to complete terms with the fact that the world you live in is unfathomably beyond you and bigger than you. And when you've come face to face with that, there's actually a lot of peace in there. I think there's a lot of peace.
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
I'm gonna. I'm gonna just die, dude, And. And everything else. It's beyond me. I served my own purpose that I created within the framework of my ego by fucking loving my wife or raising kids or starting a podcast or playing tic tac toe or eating a sandwich and. Or just. Or just living or just purely. Just existing is fine fucking too. And I served my own little. The part of that I could control within, like, my ego state. And then. And then outside of that, I'm just. Everything beyond that is I fucking accept to be beyond me, and I submit to it. And there's peace in that. I think people want to. I don't want. I don't get why everyone wants to be in control of things. All the time you're searching for control, you have control over. You have a. You have. I mean, this is when you. This is when we start getting into, like, politics and economics and whatnot. Is in. The ego part is like, how much control do I have over the. The. The part of the matrix that I live in? Right. Um, that's when you get into. That's when you get into the politics and economics and. And what. What not. And that's its own thing. And then everything beyond that, you. But everything. Everything beyond that is you just have to submit yourself to. Cause it's not. It's just fucking beyond you. You have to submit yourself to it.
Malachi
Well, that's like one of the biggest things that the Bible does teach too, is like, being content with everything and sure, right now on earth, like, at existence as a whole. Like, there's a. There's a verse, and it says, like, we return as dust, like, as we've been made, you know, because we're just freaking dirt. We're part of the earth. Yeah, yeah, the earth. Go back into it. And so it's. That totally Makes sense. There's just like, there's a piece that happens when you just say, screw it. I am a little tiny ant on earth that nothing really matters. Everything matters. Why not just like, eat a freaking cheesesteak and watch TV with my wife? Like, why am I worrying about this?
Geck
You know, it's very funny and interesting to hear you say that your existential crises and realizations and questionings have brought you deeper, deeper into Christianity. It makes a lot of sense, especially when you're reading the book that says, like, you know, from dust to dust. Then you're like, that makes sense. And it's probably why Christianity is still. I mean, it's like, I mean, how old I guess is. Christianity is technically 20, 25 years old, right?
Malachi
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think.
Geck
I mean, that's why it stood the test of time, is because it has this like, framework of answers to great questions. It's been unfortunately. It's got a bad rap because it's been unfortunately co opted into like, for like lots of like, horrible, stupid things that take it so deeply, deeply, far away from their think the intentions.
Malachi
Yeah, no, there. And that's. I know exactly what you're talking about, unfortunately. And that's the thing that sucks is that like for you, for instance, it's like, if there was anyone else that was, you know, like, that they can't really have a conversation with other people. They're like, you have to believe in this. But like my brother, for instance, he believes exactly what you're saying.
Quincy
He's.
Malachi
You guys are. I would like to see that conversation. But it's like, shut up. Just let people be human. Like, there is literally a verse saying, don't have freaking stupid arguments. Like, if you're gonna tell anyone about me, tell them peacefully and then leave them the hell alone. And it's like, that makes the most sense. Like, it's like, why am I gonna. Like, one of my best friends, I brought him to church last week. He came out as gay to me, but he was like, yeah, I want to go to church. I'm like, cool. Sick. I like, brought him over. I was like, how is things? And he's like, good. He's like, I just want to check this out. I'm like, cool, have a good night. You know, like, like, why, why, why are you going to.
Geck
It sucks, right, right now, right? The. The ethos of the thing is like a submission and it's like a fucking submission and acceptance of what is. And then to use it to like, make people like, feel bad about Being gay is like. Is stupid.
Malachi
Yeah. No, Like, I had a conversation with him. I was like, so with you going here, I was like, that doesn't change anything, I'm assuming. He's like, nope, absolutely not. He's like, I just wanted to check it out. I'm like, cool, man. Like, it's not my place to tell anyone. And even more so, it's like, that's so stupid. In the Bible, it says multiple times, like, God is the only judge. Why the heck are you judging people? Like, like, it's just. And then you push them into the sense of existential threat.
Geck
Yeah, okay. No, I totally.
Malachi
I.
Geck
From having an existential crisis. I get why. Why it brings you closer, but I. And it brought me close to God. It just as an. It just as an allegory. Like, it's a fucking allegory, you know? Like God and I've always thought it was an allegory. I don't. I know. And I don't know what year belief is, but, like, it's not a. I don't know if I believe in it as like a fairy tale. I don't know if there's like a unilateral force or like a higher being or like a God. Like a, you know, a God God, but God as an allegory for the answer. God is an allegory for the. The unknown and the.
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
You know, and at all. It's. It's. It's. It's funny because it's. It's this. All this conversation we're having. It sounds a little woo, but it's also really not. It's really, like, grounded in the acceptance of the unknown, which is, like, empirically unknown.
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
And we don't even know if it can. We do. And the end part. Part of the un, dude, the part of the unknown is. It's unknown if the unknown can become known.
Malachi
Yeah, no, it's.
Geck
I. I don't know. This. I. I get. I get where you're coming from, man. Because this conversation, it just really makes me want to jerk off and watch a lot of porn and. And zone out, you know? I get you. Yeah. You're struggling with. Tell me more about the. Tell me more about the porn thing if you want.
Malachi
Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Okay. Yeah, no, that's a. That's a loaded question. I don't know how much time we have, but we have as much.
Geck
We have as much time as you have.
Malachi
Okay. No, man, I just. I grew up with a lot of really messed up things happening to Me, I'd say like, I, my parents, my dad was, Gosh, I'm really going to have to be careful who I show this to if you end up posting it.
Geck
But I just want to let you know because I, I, I am going to post this as a podcast. This is, I'm gonna post the podcast. And so like, for real, you, like, if there's things that you don't want to share, you don't want to talk about, or you don't want to, you know, get too deep in, like, don't feel like you have to, or we, we can, we can just bullshit. It's totally whatever. As much or as little as you want to fucking talk about as you want.
Malachi
No, I'm, I'm down to talk. It's more so like I really, I don't have a good relationship with my father, but I mean, I'm not going to like, show him. Hey, I was on the, you know, anyway, my, yeah, I'm good. My dad, my dad was like a crazy, deadbeat drunk dad growing up. And so a lot of stuff slipped the cracks when I was growing up and like, I've been like sexually touched a lot when I was growing up from like friends and crap. And then my dad, he like, I remember vividly, like watching him throw wine bottles across my kitchen into the bathroom at my mom and crap like that. And so over time, like I realized that I wasn't really getting a lot of love at all. And so I feel like I tried to search for that the best way that I knew how to which growing up was sexually. And so I started like, like, I want to say because I lost my virginity when I was 15 in, I think I was in eighth grade. And so it was like from there I was just kind of like whatever says goes, you know, Like I'm, it doesn't matter. I'm just trying to find those one off experiences over and over and over again. And so it was probably for like my eighth grade through like three fourths of high school, I just kind of looked for sex wherever it was. And if someone wanted to do it, then I was like, okay, sure, I'm down. And it made me feel good about myself and it made me feel like I was like, loved and people actually liked me and that I wasn't some like weirdo dude that was just hanging about. And I think that really pulled into like pornography as well. And so it's like to this day, like I, I struggle pretty badly with like what I would say is temptation on it. And it's like something that my wife and I have been, you know, we talk about and you know, if I mess up, it sucks. And my wife and I go through like what I can do better next time. And I feel like regardless of, you know, belief or whatever, I feel like it definitely like pornography itself has a, can have a very detrimental impact on your mind. You know, like you, it's like the idea of like Instagram and doom scrolling you, you have a new source of material and content every five seconds. And it's like with pornography you have a new source of, you know, what color hair and who and why and it's just like you don't get.
Geck
Well, I'm curious about this And I completely, 100% and I think a lot of people, you know, I, I only know it from the male side, but I assume both men and women, a lot of people, yeah, are like, can relate to you on the road of like constantly seeking like, like novel sexual experiences as a way to like, like get gain self esteem, you know, I mean it's, it's, it's a, it's a huge classic. I'm curious though how that manifests itself in porn because yeah, novel sexual experiences definitely give you that like short term self esteem boost. But I don't, I've never experienced porn doing that.
Malachi
Yeah, I really don't know how to. I guess I. Let me try to fathom and figure out like how. I don't know how to explain it. I guess like for me, I grew up like always kind of chubby and I don't know why, but like growing up I've had like my brother or you know, people and friends tell me stuff and so when my brother, I have two brothers, when my other brother ended up committing suicide and like the idea of death really set in and then the existentialism. So I think everything like ties into itself too. But it was like, I'm gonna die. And it's like, what's the first thing that everyone's been telling me that like I can die about? It's like, oh, well, if you're overweight then you know you're gonna have a heart attack or whatever. And so it's like I feel like the overweight side of it. It was like if I'm watching porn, I don't have to, you know, like be all sweaty and breathing hard over some person that I'm attracted to to, you know, it's like I just get the, it's a little selfish. I just get the good parts of it, like, the parts that make me feel good and, like.
Geck
Right.
Malachi
You know, the dopamine that releases. But no one has to see me gross and naked, and that's cool, you know? And so I guess for me growing up, it was like.
Geck
Yeah.
Malachi
It was like there was a sense of comfortability.
Geck
Oh, yeah.
Malachi
Within that. Where it's like, no one knows that I'm doing this. I can do it whenever I want to, just feel a little better and.
Geck
Yep.
Malachi
Like. And it's like. Like I was saying, like, you. Anything you want, it's there at, like, the flick of your fingertips. Online is crazy. You can look up anything, and. And it's just there. And so I guess that would be, like, the best way I can explain that.
Geck
I'd say yes. Yes. Well, I mean, yeah, it's. It's everything that you want, and you don't have to involve another person in it. And it can just be quick and easy and give you the same.
Malachi
You.
Geck
Know, keep the train of whatever it is you were searching for going, but easier.
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
Yeah. Interesting. So how do you. How do you. What's your wife's take on it?
Malachi
My wife. I mean, like I said, we're both Christians, so the. There's very big idea of, you know, no sexual immorality. And so it's pretty gnarly. Like, I went from doing a lot of stuff with a lot of people to. I went to church. I found my wife, and my wife was a virgin. And she, like, told me, you know, absolutely not. We're gonna get married and do things like the. The way that you're supposed to. And I said, okay, cool. That sounds good with me. So we went through, like, our entire relationship. We were together for about a year and a half before we got married, and then, you know, everything happened. But along that ride of the year and a half, obviously, of abstaining through, like, no sex and trying to do no porn, there was a lot of sucky conversations and things that would, you know, hurt her a lot. Obviously, I've tried to explain, you know, like, I guess how. How I feel with it and that it really doesn't have anything to do with her. But, dude, I honestly could just, like, ask her and put her on the phone and she could tell you herself.
Geck
We can leave her out of it, but.
Malachi
Okay.
Geck
Can I ask you. I want to ask you another thing. Why do you believe that there is inherent immorality in sexuality?
Malachi
I don't think there's an inherent in sexuality itself. I think it's. I think you Know, like, sexuality is obviously a gift from God, but I do believe that the gift from God is for your person that you marry. And it makes things like logically if you're thinking about just people as a whole. Like I grew up with, you know, my dad and my mom, you know, had sex before marriage and then they ended up having my brother, which my brother's awesome. But it pulled them into. They felt coerced and forced to be in a marriage that really did not work out and my dad end up becoming very abusive and drunk and it's like.
Geck
Well, that's like your parents felt coerced into a marriage by the fact that they reproduced.
Malachi
Yeah. And so it's a ball.
Geck
But, but, but I'm asking about like, like not like, like, like take reproduction out of it. You know what I mean? Like, where, where is the inherent, where do you see inherent. Where do you see immorality in cuz like. Okay, well actually I'm curious about this, right? Like, I know a lot of Christians try to like, you know, they try to like fucking like, like ban birth control or condoms or you know, all that. And like why, why is that? Where, where is the, what's the, the logic behind that?
Malachi
I would say that I have a. Condoms and birth control itself. I, I don't have any direct, personally, I don't have any beliefs on. I've used both. So I don't have any like negatives against that. I would say like, I do have a particular idea but like behind like abortion itself, but that's obviously political and so I don't know how much conversation that we can have on that.
Geck
Well, well, listen, listen, listen. Well, let's talk about. I just like, like, I mean, sex. It's like why, like what's the immorality behind like just how like I, because I'm, I'm, I think like with Christianity again, like as an allegory for attempting to face and understand and deal with the things that are unknown. Makes a lot of sense to me. But I think that like there's certain things, like there's certain things that are known, right? Which is that human beings are where our brains are wired for us to just be crazy fuck machines and like have sex all the time and like be fucking like so like it's like so, so when someone like is out like having sex with a bunch of people, like. Yeah, that makes, that makes sense according to the empirical data that we have on just the human brain. You know what I mean? So like what is the, what is the The. The. The. I guess The. The philosophical opposition to that.
Malachi
No. Yeah. I would just say it very much. That very much is determined just like, just off the belief itself. It's kind of like you. You either feel it's like two sides of a coin. You either feel like it's like, why. Why. What's so wrong with me? You know, doing this with this person and then going and doing this with this person. Or it's. Or it's like me, where I feel like I went from that and then changed, you know, halfway through and then said, no, I'm gonna, like, try and practice celibacy and do that for my wife. And I would say, at least for me, from a personal sense, the. When I was going around and doing everything I was doing and being safe with it, obviously. But you. You lose a sense of sitting down with someone, I feel like, for a long time. And I mean, like, I know people in relationships are like, okay, well, we have sex before marriage. And I. That's cool. But I feel like the idea of marriage first really brings in, like, you are committed to this individual.
Geck
This is totally. Yeah, I mean, there's. I. I think that. Yeah, if that's the way that you want to run it, I think it's totally legitimate. I think there's. There's. There's definitely something to that. For sure. I think there's definitely something to that. I don't. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.
Malachi
This is a loaded one for me, too, because I've, like, I've been on both sides of it, you know, and so it's like, I only can explain personally how changing has made me feel significantly better about myself. And, you know, like, I have my one person. I have my wife that is, like, awesome. And so.
Geck
Well, this is the. Well, this is the beauty of the world that we live in. And also part of the thing. One of. One thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is like, isn't it so fascinating that different lifestyles and different philosophies and, you know, different lifestyles and philosophies achieve different results in different people, you know?
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
So, I mean, look, you went from. Right. You went from slutting it up around town to, you know, being a nice, married Christian man. And it seems as though that is serving you, and that's great. And then, look, there's probably fucking people who, you know, became. Did the opposite way.
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
From you. Right. And that's serving them. And that's actually one of the things I That's one of the unknowns about life that I find truly fascinating is. Is that we do live in this world where all of our consciousnesses are all wired differently and require different solutions and different philosophies and different ways of being to. To be compatible with them. I find that interesting. And I guess the where things, you know, I guess. I guess where people get pissed off at Christians is where or where honestly not even Christian, I'm not even gonna say. I don't want to say Christians or people get pissed off at really anyone is where they attempt to espouse the philosophy or the ideology that worked for them to be the one true God. Like the idea of the one true God is I think, kind of douchey because there's no if there. There can't we. If we have such different wirings in our consciousnesses such that, you know, you can. You can be in a polycule with five people and have a rock and time and you can also have, you know, the one person that you. Is the only person you ever have sex with forever and you have. You have a rockin time doing that. You know, can there. Can there really be a. A one true anything? You can only really stand humbly before I thi. I don't know. I guess you can only really stand humbly before everyone and be like, hey, this is what I think and would work for me and then period. And then once you start being like, well, everyone should be polyamorous or everyone should be wait until marriage to have sex or everyone should be straight or everyone should be this or that is where you start pissing people off because that's, that's incompatible with. With the world we live in, you know?
Malachi
Yeah, well, that's, that's absolutely true. I feel like, like at least for me, if my beliefs, like I'm one. I just, I don't. I wouldn't even say I feel like I'm religious. I feel like a lot of religion, like you were saying, says to do things. I feel like what I believe in is like. I feel like someone's explained this to you before, but I just, like, I just follow Jesus, man. I. I do what the every. The Bible and I hear what it says and I try to do that as much as possible, but the idea behind that is that like, at least in Romans, how it explains you, you are going to want to do the things that your carnal nation like your, Your flesh and what like you were saying, like we're machines. Like we are. We absolutely are. You're going to want to do what your body is just wanting to do. And if that makes you feel good, then I mean that makes you feel good and you're going to do it either way. I'm not here to tell you one way or the other, you know what you should be doing. What I am going to say is that at least from my change and what I've felt, there is a crazy great sense of peace beyond what I felt with anything else that it's like mastering oneself. That's like the idea of going into.
Geck
I get what you mean.
Malachi
Into your carnal nature and just freaking.
Geck
Oh yeah, sure, sure. I get what, I get what you mean. I get what you mean. I get what you mean. You're not a hedonist.
Malachi
Not gonna lie. I don't know what that means.
Geck
Hedonist is like, okay, so you're. You, You. You get off upon the idea that you possess this higher human consciousness that can wrangle and maintain and overcome and usurped the. The pleasures of the flesh that are. That. That your consciousness is. Is. Is a prison to. In. In your physical human body. You know, the temptations of fucking Laffy Taffy and, and marijuana and porn and. And. But. But you have this like higher human consciousness that is attempting to break free from the flesh prison. And you believe that you, You. You can and you will over overcome and usurped the. The. Yeah. The cardinal pleasures or whatever.
Malachi
Yeah.
Geck
A hedonist would say the opposite. A hedonist would go actually the cardinal desires is the one true God. The cardinal desires are to be. Are to be indulged and enjoyed. And that's. We were put up. We are by our biology. Our instincts are correct. My instincts are telling me to. To fuck as much as possible and to eat as much as possible and to, to do this and do. That's what my biological is my body is fucking telling me to do. It's. It's real, it's here, it's present, its voices must be correct and therefore I must indulge. And you know what? The hedonist and the, the. The hedonist and the Christian, they both die never knowing if they both died never knowing which one of them was right. I guess they both have some intuitive sense of how their life stu. They both have some intuitive sense whether or not they're. They both have some intuitive sense of whether or not their lifestyle is working for them. And occasionally they have varying levels of being in tune with whether or not they're. Yeah. Their lifestyle is working for them. Yeah, but. Yeah, that's why I'm. That's why the more I think about the world and life and shit, I just become more agnostic because there's so many people and so many variables, and it's all too complex. And so I submit to it, and I play Mario Kart, and I have a good time. What's your.
Malachi
What's your.
Geck
What's your name? Malachi.
Malachi
Yes, sir.
Geck
I hope you're doing okay, man. I know it's really uncomfortable to be thinking about all this stuff all the time. I hope you join the live. I hope you. I want you to know something. I. I thought I was. And who knows what the future is like for me, but I. I've only felt great for, like, a little over a month. But the fact I thought I was never going to be able to live a life beyond that discomfort, and now I. At least for the past month, I have. And so I sincerely wish you a lot of hope and, you know, a lot of love in returning back to a version of your life where you don't feel in such great discomfort and that you even feel grateful for the discomfort you went through.
Malachi
That's. I feel like I'm on. I'm on the edge. I feel like I'm coming around it. Like, I definitely. Like, I've almost tried to dive into my fear to over comment, if that makes sense. So I. I'm definitely. I'm getting there. I'm getting to the idea of, like, you know, I'm gonna do what I feel like in my beliefs and try to be the best person as possible, but also, like, I am an ant. I also just wanted to play Mario Kart and eat a freaking bag of Doritos, dude, so.
Geck
Well, whichever one you choose, I wish you good luck.
Malachi
Thanks, Geck.
Geck
Is there anything else you want to say to the people, the computer, before we go?
Malachi
Everyone says they're not prepared for this, and I totally wasn't prepared for this.
Geck
But ain't nothing to prepare for. You don't have to have.
Malachi
Like, I.
Geck
You can say no. You can say no.
Malachi
Well, I feel like I want to say yes, but, like, I want a shameless plug. I'm a photographer, but I also. I hate doing that shit, man. Realistically, I hate being like, hey, this person, you know, has people that could also see my stuff.
Geck
But you can do. I don't care. You can do. You can. You can do whatever. You can do whatever you want, but I'm gonna give you 15 seconds before I hang up on you, okay?
Malachi
Limitless portraits. If you want to see some photos, I think that's cool. If not, I don't care. Geck. Bless you. Bless him.
Geck
Love you guys. Later on.
Malachi
Thanks, man.
Geck
Oh, geez. Dear God. Oh, man. Oh, geez. Rick. That was cool. I liked that conversation. That was interesting. Um, it's hard to. It's hard to have a podcast when you're agnostic. You have to. Fucking. Whatever. Even. Even agnostics is a label. You know what I mean? If you're truly agnostic, you can't even. You can't fucking be anything. It's hard because I feel like having a podcast requires you to be very. Not agnostic. Like the top podcasters in the world, they're just. They just say stuff. You know, there's no question, there's no eternal questioning. You just gotta say stuff. Maybe I should start doing that, Start saying things. I fully, absolutely believe that there is a. An afterlife where I can play Grand Theft Auto 7. No, I don't actually believe that, but if I'm lucky, I'll get to play Grand Theft Auto 6. And I, and, and I, by the way, through everything. And you guys who listen to the podcast, you guys know this. Through everything. Through all the existential, whatever the. Through all the, oh, the matrix and the God's plan and blah, blah, blah. Through everything. Who. As long as I get to play Grand Theft Auto 6, I don't give a. A. Through everything. None of it matters. Burn all the Bibles. I just want to play Grand Theft Auto 6. That's all that matters.
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Geck
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Malachi
Hello?
Geck
Hey, what's your name, brother?
Quincy
My name's Quincy. Dude, I can't believe I got on. I've called you so many times.
Geck
Quincy's a cool name. Quincy's like, like an old guy name. But you sound like a young guy.
Quincy
I am. I'd like to think I'm still young. I'm 28. But you know, getting up there, I.
Geck
Let'S talk about that. I'm 27 and I'm realizing that you, you don't go back. We're only going forward, we're only marching towards, you know, whatever. And part of me was, I spent a long part of this year specifically being very terrified about that. But I'm coming to accept it. I when I walk around. I've probably talked about this on the podcast a billion times already. But, like, walking around in New York is fun because you see a lot of old people and they're. They're living their lives and doing things, and, you know, it's like, I'll see like a fucking, you know, guy in his 50s, and he's, you know, he's. He's out there, he's doing his thing, he's living his life. So it's.
Quincy
And hopefully that's gonna be you, dude.
Geck
Hopeful. I hope so, man. I hope. I'd love to make it to 80 if I can make it to 80. That would be cool, wouldn't it?
Quincy
I do. Honestly, I don't know. I, like, see so many people that get to. Up to that age, like, 80, honestly, mid-60s, mid to late 60s, it seems like that's when I, like, the health stuff sets in. And honestly, if you. If something could take me out before I hit, like, health issues, that'd be sick.
Geck
Really? I. But what about, like, I don't know, what about Mel Brooks? He's making Spaceballs 2. He's 90 something. He's hanging in there.
Quincy
Yeah.
Geck
What about the fucking. The Six Flags guy? I know he's not real, but he's based off an idea.
Quincy
Yeah. You ain't lying. You ain't lying.
Geck
What were you gonna say just now?
Quincy
Oh, I was just gonna say, like, is that guy in good health? Like, Mel Brooks, is he in good health making this movie?
Geck
Oh, he's in good enough. He's in good enough health. I guess.
Quincy
I guess I just don't want to, like, you know. You know, life can be difficult at a young age. You know, mentally difficult. Like, hopefully by the time I hit that. That age, like, I've pushed past all the. The mentally difficult things, but then, like, I feel like it's a slap in the face. You push past the mental things, and then life just smacks you with physical.
Geck
It's true. Yes. You can never escape conflict of any kind. You will always be pushing some sort of boulder up a hill. Yeah, sadly, I mean, not sadly, not sadly, not. Well, I mean, theoretically, not sadly, if you're a fucking monk or whatever. You know, the. You know the myth of Sisyphus? We've talked about it on the podcast before.
Quincy
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What? That's basically his punishment is just, like, always pushing that boulder uphill.
Geck
He's always pushing a boulder up a hill. Right? He's always pushing the Sisyphus. He did something to some guy and the thing. Guy made him push a boulder up a hill. And now, I mean, that's I guess that's life as you're constantly forced to push a boulder up a hill in some way, no matter who you are, because you are, you're just, you're a slave to the drudgery of the passage of time. But because you're pushed, but you got to, you got to imagine that Sisyphus is happily engaging in the task of pushing the boulder up the hill. I only bring this up because I post, I posted some clip about, I don't know if people remember the firefighter who called in and talked about how he, the volunteer firefighter, volunteer firefighter talked about how he lives life out of existential spite where he said he feels like Charlie Brown because Charlie Brown is always having optimism and then having his optimism return defeated and then having optimism again. And he's stuck in that cycle. I posted a clip somebody on YouTube shorts commented saying one must imagine Charlie Brown as happy as a reference to one must imagine Sisyphus is happy. And I thought that was really funny. Anyway. Quincy. Quincy, what's up, man? Is there something you called in to want to talk about?
Quincy
Honestly, dude, I've called in so many times. There's so many things that I'd like to talk about with you, but like, I think I just want to talk about what's going on today, please. Like, I'm just, I'm sitting at home. I'm actually tonight I'm like hosting for like, I don't know, 10 to 15 people. And I'm like, I've never hosted a single thing in my life and like, I don't, I don't know what it is. I don't like having people inside of my house. Like, it's, it's like my, my bubble. You know what I mean? So like inviting people inside of my home feels like this huge thing.
Geck
Why are you doing it?
Quincy
So, okay, why am I doing it? Because. So not that long ago, me and my old lady met another couple that like, they always invite us over to go do stuff. Like they always host stuff at their house. They always like to like invite us to go do stuff. So I kind of feel like I need to in some sense put effort into, you know, this friendship that we have by inviting them into my home and, you know, taking my turn hosting.
Geck
But it's fifth. Why? But you're not, you're not having like a couple over for dinner. You know, you're doing like 15 in person party.
Quincy
Well, yeah, yeah. See, I, I have this issue with like, I can't do anything. Like, I can't just, like, dip my toe into, like, we'll invite these people over. See how that goes. I have to do, like, the. We'll invite a bunch of people over and then I'm gonna be stressed out all night. But it'll be fine because once I. Because I know, like, once I do it, it'll be okay, but, like, it's just getting to that point of actually doing it.
Geck
And what. What are you stressed out about?
Quincy
I don't know, dude. There's gonna be, like, people in my house and, like, maybe they might let my cats out. Maybe they might judge the way that I live.
Geck
Well, fuck them if they judge the way that you live. Do you like these people that you're having in your house?
Quincy
Yeah, absolutely do.
Geck
So why. So then why don't you enjoy having them over?
Quincy
I feel like I'm going to when it's actually happening, but the moments leading up until, you know, you have too much time to, like, think about stuff.
Geck
Sure, sure. I don't understand this. This. This makes no sense. You're having a party with a bunch of your friends. You should be excited.
Quincy
Well, like, I don't want to make it sound like I'm not, because I am. But at the same time, I'm just like. I don't know, I guess I'm not always, like, the center of attention. And I feel like being that it's at my house, I have to, like, do the whole song and dance of, like, entertaining and stuff.
Geck
What has your wife feel about it?
Quincy
I think she is fine with it. Honestly, I don't think she cares much.
Geck
Okay, well, what kind of. What kind of food are you gonna have for these people?
Quincy
You know, doing the good old USA cookout, having, you know, hot dogs, hamburger.
Geck
Oh, so you're keeping everyone outside? This is an outside ordeal.
Quincy
Well, that was kind of the plan.
Geck
But do you have a lot. Do you have a lawn? Do you have a. Do you have a yard or a lawn or something?
Quincy
Yeah, I have, like a small, like, backpack. Like, it's not small. I have a back patio that's got like a backyard and stuff.
Geck
So can you. Can you fit 15 people in that back patio?
Quincy
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Geck
Okay, then here's what you do. This is. Okay, here's what you do. Don't fucking let anyone inside the house. Is. Can you get people. Can you get people to the yard without having to go through the house?
Quincy
Yes.
Geck
Okay, great. Don't let anyone inside the house. Okay. If they have to use the bathroom, then. Then sure. If they have to use the bathroom. But you guide people to the backyard. And then you focus only on the yard because right now you're stressed out about oh, they're gonna let the cats out. Are they gonna judge the, the crap I have on my walls? But you gotta maintain the sanctity of your home by not letting these people in it. You just focus on the yard. It'll take all your stress. Right now your stress is permeating throughout the whole house. You only need to be stressed out about the yard.
Quincy
That makes sense.
Geck
Makes sense.
Quincy
You know, it does make sense. But so it was going to be a nice day, but then, you know, that kind of change. So now it's a little damp outside. You know what I mean?
Geck
How damp we talking about right now?
Quincy
It's not raining. But they are talking about thunderstorms.
Geck
They talk about thunderstorms? Yeah.
Quincy
Does that mean I should cancel?
Geck
I think you should. Well, I think, I think that, I think that in combination with the fact that you really don't want to do it means you should cancel. In combination with the fact that you're severely dreading this event could be a good reason to cancel. Yeah. What? So you're gonna have everyone inside your fucking house while it's thunderstorming out?
Quincy
I mean if it come, what do I do? Just be like, yeah, sorry guys, like you're gonna, you either enjoy getting wet and eating food out some soggy ass food outside, bro.
Geck
Just can't just cancel the party if it's raining. You don't want to do it. What are you doing? Why do you just cancel the party? I got a fucking somewhat. I was gonna go to some party someone cancels the other week. It was fine. Nothing bad happened. I forgot about it.
Quincy
How last minute cancellation was it though?
Geck
It was maybe one or two days.
Quincy
Yeah, See this is like, you know, a couple like two hours.
Geck
Wait, wait, this is happening in two hours?
Quincy
Oh yeah, yeah. This is going down geck.
Geck
It's 15 hours. Yeah. Okay. I guess you can't really cancel. I mean you can, yeah, you can do whatever you want. You know that, right? It's complete. There's no, no one care, you know, no one cares about you enough for your actions to matter in any real genuine way, shape or form. And I, you could say that about kind of anyone.
Quincy
Well, yeah, absolutely.
Geck
Maybe not really. I don't know. I, I, I just said that I believe it a little bit. You could probably be the, like, I don't know, that's, that's just nihilism talking. But it's It's a little. True. Quincy.
Quincy
Quincy.
Geck
What do you. What do you. What's the food situation? Pizza. Cooking. Are you cooking?
Quincy
Oh, I'm cooking.
Geck
Like, I'm cooking for 15 people. You really, like, made this so much harder for yourself than it had to be.
Quincy
Well, you know, I like the. I like to just torture myself a little bit at a time, you know.
Geck
I mean, you were gonna say healthy. I thought you were gonna say you like to cook, in which case I'd be like, that's wonderful. But the other part.
Quincy
I do, I do. But I don't know, man. I say it's one of those things where, like, I have anxiety about it, but I have always kind of wanted to be like that guy that's like, oh, come on in. Like, come on over and like, I'll do. So, like, we'll do stuff, hang out, like, have a big fire, have a cookout. But like, I just never.
Geck
You're not. Yeah, but you're not that guy.
Quincy
So let me ask you this.
Geck
Yeah.
Quincy
Wow.
Geck
Yes.
Quincy
Do you think that, like, exposure therapy is good or bad? Cuz like that.
Geck
I think it's good. I think it's good. Don't listen to me. I think it's good. I think it's good. I think you should have your party. I think, I think. I think. I think you're gonna. I think you should have your party, and I think it'll be fine. And you'll have a fun time and then you'll be like, all right, cool. We can maybe we'll do that again. It's never stressed.
Quincy
Well, hopefully, you know, maybe something wild happens. Who knows? But we'll think positive thoughts on this one.
Geck
Quincy, is there anything else you want to say to the people at the computer before we go?
Quincy
Jack? Bless you, guys. Honestly, this. This was. This made my whole day. Whether I cancel it or I have it, just being able to talk to you is sweet, dude.
Geck
Hey, let me. Let me know next time you're having it. I want to come. Wait, where do you live? You don't have to give me your. Pennsylvania.
Quincy
Yeah, you want my social, too?
Geck
What part of Pennsylvania are you in?
Quincy
I'm outside of Pittsburgh.
Geck
Okay. All right. No, I'm probably. I'm never gonna come to your house ever.
Quincy
Dude. You don't like Pittsburgh?
Geck
No, it's what I. You. That's. I don't like when people say that. I don't like. There's nothing. I love Pittsburgh. I think Pittsburgh is awesome, but I'm not gonna go there to Go to your house.
Quincy
Well, that's. Yeah, it's fair enough. Point. Well, Jack, I appreciate you taking my phone call.
Geck
Thank you.
Quincy
I hope.
Geck
Quincy, I hope you have a good party. Don't let. Don't. Don't stress yourself out. It'll be a good time.
Malachi
I'll.
Quincy
I'll do my best.
Geck
Beautiful. Wait, wait. What are you cooking? You never said what you were cooking.
Quincy
Oh, I told you I was doing, like, hot dogs, hamburgers. I made some kebabs like these.
Geck
Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, you did tell me that. Yeah. Yeah, you got a barbecue. Wait. This is gonna be awesome. Wait. Actually, I might come to Pittsburgh to come to your house. I can't make it in two hours, though. But if you have another one, maybe I'll.
Quincy
I mean, if you. You know, I'll shoot you a DM a couple weeks. You know, I'll give you like a month's notice.
Geck
Yeah, okay.
Quincy
Better. Like, if I see you're playing, like, if you're gonna. Gonna be doing a show, like, I'll just hit you up maybe the next day. How fast.
Geck
Hold on.
Quincy
Before we go, how fast do you move to city?
Geck
How fast do I move city to city?
Quincy
Yeah, like when you're out, like when you're out doing shows, like.
Geck
It always. It kind of depends. It's just like. Yeah, it always depends. There's no real, like, set time late. I think when I first started, I wanted to spend more time in each city. And now, Now I'm like, I'm enjoying. I'm enjoying being at home a little bit more.
Quincy
I get that.
Geck
Bye, Quincy. Have a good time at your party.
Quincy
Thanks, Geck.
Geck
I wonder what kind of desserts he's gonna have.
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Host
Off terms apply from Geriana.
Geck
Hello?
Host
Hello, is this the Geck?
Geck
Yes, who is this?
Host
Oh snap. This is Jerriana.
Geck
Jerry. Yeah, what's up Jerryanna? How's it going?
Host
Hey man the weekend, just catching up on chores. Boring like that, by the way. I. I like that. I mean, I love all the conversations on here, but the one about, you know, religion and marriage. And I just kind of wanted to follow up on that because it's just so important to our society nowadays. Love, you know, we need more. Which is a corny ass thing to say now, but it's like, well, yeah, we do need it.
Geck
What's. What was your take on the, on that conversation?
Host
Well, the caller seemed like a really sweet guy and he was kind of like, wasn't he kind of talking about monogamy and how he's kind of like a born again Christian or something?
Geck
I. I don't know if he was a born again Christian, but a little bit, yeah.
Host
Okay. Okay. So I really believe in commitment to the person you love. And at the same time, you know, two things can be true at the same time. Just monogamy is just way too toxic. And no, I don't believe in polyamory. Not works for other people too, you know, but just fine, you know. But the modern day philosopher, because, you know, states of love and being, that's like, that's all the school of life, right? Like, you're talking about life being love, shit like that, you know. Have you ever heard of the modern day philosopher Alain de Baton?
Geck
No, I thought you were just talking about. No, no, I haven't. Who are, who are they?
Host
I. I know, I'm kind of all over the place, right?
Geck
No, that's okay.
Host
But. Well, he actually founded this university that's like, in several countries. I think there's one in Canada too, but it's called. It's literally called the school of life. And he talks about, you know, when it comes to religion, we honestly, we need to start cherry picking, like, the good things from it.
Geck
Yeah.
Host
And so I'll get back to my whole point I was gonna get to about monogamy being toxic and stuff like that, but like, cherry picking, religion. Because what I found fascinating during COVID is like, I defaulted to practices in Islam without knowing it. And then when I realized, I was like, oh, shit, you know, I'm definitely not Muslim, but this is very Muslim.
Geck
How did you accidentally become Islamic, man?
Host
It's so cool. Like, I, you know, we're all stuck in our damn living quarters and we're like, scrambling for things to keep us entertained, you know, things to do. And, and we need a routine. Where's the routine? Right? And I was like, okay, I need to find a routine to be sane. Because I'm going insane. We're all going insane. And so I. You know, I'm like, okay, first thing when I wake up in the morning, I'm just gonna stretch. I'm gonna stretch. Then the day starts passing. You're, like, still, like, cooped up here. What the hell? You know, you find something to do, this or that, and then you're like. And then you get into meditating a little bit here and there. And then I'm like, you know what? I need to stretch again. I need. And then throughout the day, I found myself, like, doing the yoga pose. I think it's called, like, the something cat pose or the. Or like, do you know what yoga poses? Do you know any of the names?
Geck
Sure, sure, sure.
Host
Well, okay, so picture yourself. You're on a yoga mat, and you're sitting there, and then you. You curl over your knees with your arms stretched out, but your legs are curled under you. Okay. That stretch. And then, like. Have you ever done yoga?
Geck
I've done yoga a couple times. Yeah.
Host
Damn it, I wish I knew the name. Anyways, so. And then, like, my cat passed away a while back, tragically, for all these reasons. And so I was like, doing my yoga stretches in front of. On front of my little shrine to my cat. And then I'm like, I'm in front of my fucking shrine for my freaking cat. Let me pray. Let me just, like, pray to my cat who's like, my heart, my freaking goddess. Like, that's my goddess. Like that.
Geck
Well, why did you. Why do you. Why did you say that monogamy is toxic? I'm curious what your philosophy is on that.
Host
Well, I'm gonna get back to that. But I just want to say about how, like, how I got into, like, the practices of Islam. Okay.
Geck
Oh, wait, sorry. I'm fucking. You know what? I kind of lost the thread of our conversation in my head.
Host
And that's okay, because I'm talking about doing yoga to the shrine of my cat.
Geck
Okay, I forgot. Yeah. We're talking about how you became Islamic. Okay.
Host
Yeah, yeah. So I'm promised I'm going to type back, so I'm like. So while I'm doing yoga throughout the day, finding things to do, I start to pray after I do my little yoga cat stretch pose. And. And I do that, like, five times throughout the day, early in the morning, when I wake up at 5am stretch, pray a couple other times throughout the day. And by the time, the end of the day, I'm. I do my stretch and pray like, five, six, Times. And that is actually the amount of times that Muslims pray. Yeah, it's either five or six.
Geck
Yeah.
Host
And I'm like. And, and I, because, because I was like, oh, I'm just all of a sudden I'm praying throughout the day to my cat, his shrine, my cat shrine. And I'm like, this seems like, wait, don't Muslims pray throughout the day too? And I was like, how many times they pray? And it was the exact amount of time.
Geck
Yeah.
Host
And I was like, that's crazy. So. And that. But that really grounded me, it centered me. And you know, from that chaos of the pandemic, I. From their religion. You know, obviously I'm not Muslim. I was raised in like a Christian type of Methodist thing, which is still not even that, but you know. And anyways, that philosopher guy talking about Adam de Baton, when he who. When he was talking about, you know, faith of being and religion, and he's like, you know, religion has a lot of great things in it that help us with the complexities of being human. You know, like if. And so anyways he said cherry pick the good things. And so I love that about Islam, even though I don't believe in whole everything else that I don't understand about.
Geck
Well, but yeah, yeah, yeah, that's. Yes, you actually accidentally practiced Islam, I guess.
Host
Yeah, yeah. And so. Okay. And so going back to how I find like monogamy toxic, is that like, even though the practice of committing yourself to someone is beautiful and needed? Because I feel like love equals trust and respect. I mean, without that, what do you have? You know, if you don't trust a person, how can you really love them? If you don't respect them, how can you really love them? You gotta have those two things. And so. Oh yeah. So anyways, what was I saying about oh yeah, monogamy being toxic? So even though you, even though committing yourself to someone is really important, it's just when you have children, you need to have more of a tribe than just one woman, like raising all these kids.
Geck
Sure. It takes a village.
Host
Yeah, it takes a village. And the thing is about modern day society is obviously the village is not right down the street. You gotta drive here and there and then so you have kids growing up in these nuclear households that so many of us have experienced without the grandparent down the street. And so. And thank God, you know, some of us lucked out and did have those family members down the street, which is great. And. But it's like becoming more and more rare and like with that, you know, mental Health, obviously, nowadays we're seeing with the pinnacle of narcissism of Trump is so important, and we don't have any policies to keep these narcissists people out anyway. So you have kids being raised by just one person, not getting the eye contact that they need to have a healthy core self and.
Geck
Sure.
Host
And I, you know, I think, like a lot of us, we read up on narcissism and things because it's just so bad nowadays, which is an understatement. And it talks about to have a healthy human psyche.
Geck
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I agree. I agree with. I agree with the sentiment that, you know, I think. Sorry, I've just. I've been. I think I'm losing conversational steam. I think. You know what it is? Every. Every. Every podcast I have the amount I. Every podcast, I have the energy for one really good conversation that I put at the beginning of the episode and I came in. That's how. That's how I began to format this podcast. Is every. Every. Every time I go to stream and do a pocket, I have the energy for one really good conversation. And I put at the beginning and then at the end, I'm like. And then, you know, I start to. I start to lose steam. But I'm trying to keep.
Host
Well, I totally get it because I'm. I'm in healthcare and I happen to be. I happen to provide them all dental hygiene, and I have all these patients throughout the day, and by the end of the day, they're talking about this, that, and I'm just like, I'm sorry, the caffeine is wearing off. I heard you. I just. I care, but I. Yeah.
Geck
What's your. What's your name again?
Host
My quote unquote name is Jerryanna Mirror.
Geck
Mariana.
Host
Like Tom and Jerry Jerrianna.
Geck
Oh, Jerry Jerrianna. Well, listen, Jerryanna, thank you for providing a alternate. I do. I get what you mean in terms of. I don't know. Well, here's the thing is, is we're about to. There's lots of people probably in polycules who are raising children that way. And so in our lifetime, we'll get. We'll get to find. It's bad. I thought you said it was good.
Host
Wait, you said. I thought you. I don't know what you said. I thought you said, like, there's lots of people in, like, in, like, capsules of like, ra Raising children like that, like, monogamous way.
Geck
Polycules.
Host
Polycules. Oh, like the polyamorous lifestyle.
Geck
Yeah, but we'll get to. We'll see how those people turn out. Maybe they're amazing. Maybe they're. Maybe everyone. Maybe they're awesome.
Host
Well, the problem with the poly lifestyle is that they should be. I think they should be more like, with. With again, going back to cherry picking good things out of religion. Right. Like, I like the commitment with Christianity, but with Islam, you can also have several wives. And I happen to be, like, bisexual, and I don't understand how women are like, oh, yeah, I'm just going to be with this man forever. That's it. Like, but also, I don't want to be going out to different people having sexual romantic connections. Like, I want to have one good. Good. I want to have one good Betty, my ride or die wife.
Geck
Sure.
Host
And then also we have our husband. And like, why not fucking do that? Like, everyone stop going insane with one person. Stop it.
Geck
Nice. That sounds nice. That sounds nice.
Host
But I know that I'll. I'll let you. I'll let you go. I'm glad we got to chat, and I just want to get that out there about. About love. So thanks for. For having me on the show.
Geck
Of course. Thank you. And next time you pray to your cat, you know, put in a good word for me too, in case if your cat.
Host
Oh, hell yeah.
Geck
Just in case if your cat does end up being the one true God. I want. I want some favor with. With them.
Host
All right, man, I will.
Geck
All right. Later, Mom. Have a. Have a. Have a. I'm sorry, what'd you say your name was again? It starts with a. Jerryanna. Jerryanna. Have a good one, Jerryanna.
Host
You too, Jack.
Malachi
Later.
Geck
Well, folks, that was it. We did a therapy gecko podcast. We talked a lot about life. We learned a lot of stuff, like get. Hop in those Spotify comments or those Apple podcast reviews or those YouTube comments. I want to know what people thought about these conversations. We had some pretty dense conversations on this episode. I want to know what the people thought. I hope people. I hope people understood what we were trying to say. And if not, that's okay too, because it's fine. Thank you guys very much for listening. Thank you for being here. Thanks for continuing to indulge me as I. As I do this podcast and continuing to indulge the people that call in. This is fun. I feel very honored to get to wax philosophy with strangers. And thanks for listening.
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Geck
This is an iHeart podcast.
Release Date: June 29, 2025
Host: Geck, an unlicensed lizard psychologist
Guests: Malachi
The episode kicks off with the host, Geck, greeting callers and setting the stage for deep, introspective conversations. Amidst brief advertisements, the main discussion begins when Malachi, a 23-year-old Christian, calls in to share a profound personal struggle.
[02:13]
Malachi: "I don’t know if that is like a... it's a fear of eternity."
Malachi introduces his purophobia—a fear of eternity—and how it intertwines with his Christian beliefs about the afterlife. He shares his anxiety over the concept of eternal consciousness versus the promise of eternity with Jesus Christ.
[03:35]
Geck: "Tell me what you believe as a Christian is your spiritual inheritance."
The conversation delves into Malachi’s understanding of his spiritual inheritance, detailing his belief in eternal life with Jesus. However, Malachi grapples with the concept of endless time in heaven, fearing that perpetual existence without growth or change contradicts his experiential joy derived from overcoming challenges.
[09:28]
Malachi: "Lately, I'm battling a lot of pornography that I'm trying to get around."
Malachi opens up about his struggles with pornography, linking it to his past experiences of seeking love and validation through sexual encounters. He discusses how his addiction has affected his marriage and personal well-being, highlighting the detrimental impact pornography has on his mind and relationships.
[15:22]
Malachi: "Realistically, my actual beliefs only started about two or three years ago."
Malachi recounts his religious journey from a Mormon upbringing to embracing Christianity after enduring an abusive relationship. He shares how his faith has been both a source of comfort and a point of contention, especially when his beliefs clash with personal fears and doubts about eternity.
[18:03]
Geck: "For me to have this conversation with you is... I'm becoming increasingly agnostic."
Geck reflects on his own existential crises, expressing how confronting big questions about existence and the universe has led him towards agnosticism. He discusses the idea of submitting to the inherent uncertainty of life, drawing parallels between his beliefs and Malachi’s struggles.
[32:57]
Malachi: "There's literally a verse saying, don't have freaking stupid arguments."
The discussion shifts to the importance of non-judgmental support within religious communities. Malachi emphasizes the need for understanding and peaceful interactions, especially when addressing sensitive topics like sexuality and personal struggles.
[25:07]
Geck: "There's something extremely beautiful about submitting to... coming to complete terms..."
Geck offers insights into finding peace by relinquishing control and accepting the vast uncertainties of existence. He encourages focusing on personal growth and finding contentment within one's beliefs and experiences.
As the episode winds down, Malachi expresses a sense of hope and gradual acceptance of his fears. Geck wraps up the conversation by acknowledging the depth of their discussion and inviting listeners to share their thoughts and reflections.
Malachi on Purophobia:
"[02:16] Malachi: ...it's the most terrifying thing to me."
Geck on Belief and Uncertainty:
"[18:06] Geck: ...sun shines brighter the harder it rains."
Malachi on Overcoming Personal Struggles:
"[50:23] Malachi: ...there is a crazy great sense of peace beyond what I felt with anything else."
Geck on Submission and Peace:
"[29:10] Geck: ...you are the universe experiencing itself, and you'll be okay."
Malachi on Relationship Dynamics:
"[45:18] Malachi: I don't think there's any inherent immorality in sexuality itself."
Purophobia Defined: Malachi's unique fear of eternity highlights the complex interplay between personal beliefs and existential anxiety.
Faith as Both Anchor and Source of Doubt: While Christianity provides Malachi with hope for the afterlife, it also brings forth questions about eternal existence without progression.
Impact of Trauma and Coping Mechanisms: Malachi’s past trauma and his struggles with pornography are deeply connected to his fears about mortality and eternal life.
The Role of Community and Acceptance: Emphasizing non-judgmental support within religious and personal communities is crucial for navigating deep-seated fears and anxieties.
Geck’s Insight on Existential Acceptance: The host shares his journey towards agnosticism, advocating for acceptance of life's uncertainties as a path to inner peace.
In this emotionally charged episode of Therapy Gecko, Geck and Malachi navigate the treacherous waters of existential fear and faith. Through honest dialogue, Malachi sheds light on the often-overlooked fear of eternity, while Geck provides a compassionate space for exploring these profound concerns. The conversation underscores the importance of understanding, support, and self-acceptance in overcoming deeply rooted anxieties.