“I’M LONELY IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE”

Summary

Therapy Gecko – “I’M LONELY IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE”

Date: December 22, 2025
Host: Lyle, the Therapy Gecko
Guests: Chris (“Middle of Nowhere”), Rocky (second caller)
Podcast: Therapy Gecko (iHeartPodcasts)

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Episode Overview

In this episode of Therapy Gecko, Lyle takes calls from two guests navigating loneliness and complex life circumstances from very different corners of human experience. The main conversation is with Chris, a 24-year-old aspiring musician and DJ from rural Georgia, struggling with social isolation, complex childhood trauma, making authentic friendships, and searching for purpose and connection. The episode ends with a brief, heartfelt call from Rocky, whose wife recently left after spending his lottery winnings—a story of abandonment, emotional exhaustion, and resilience.

The mood is compassionate, candid, and philosophical, with Lyle listening deeply, offering perspective, and gently challenging his callers’ assumptions about themselves and their place in the world.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

Chris: Dreams, Dysfunction & the Search for Connection

Timestamps: 01:43–73:06

Upbringing & Relationship to Music

• Traumatic Childhood: Chris recounts early memories of violence (“one of the earliest memories I have is my dad picking up a fan and throwing it at my mom while she was in the bathtub” – Chris, 04:07) and describes a lack of emotional support at home, leading him to seek comfort in music and, occasionally unsuccessfully, through humor in school.
  • “I had very little emotional support … that's why I do appreciate music because ... even though I didn't know the artist personally, they were the ones telling me, 'keep going.'” (Chris, 05:18)
• Music as Salvation: He wants to create emotionally impactful music like the heavy metal, conscious rap, and alternative rock that helped him through darker times.

Adolescence and Social Isolation

• Struggles Fitting In: Felt ostracized at school, formed fleeting connections with other social “outcasts” – “I was always the last kid to get picked during team sports… they didn’t even want me around.” (Chris, 05:51)
• Attention-Seeking: Realizes, in retrospect, his attempts at humor and attention were ways to compensate for neglect at home.

Growing Philosophical: Free Will, Determinism, and Normality

• Engages Lyle in an earnest philosophical exchange about determinism, free will, and what it means to be “normal”.

  • “If I was born into your body Lyle, with your parents and your family, I would literally be who you are today.” (Chris, 09:14)
  • “Everyone does things ‘in character’ because they did it. Your character can hold a variety of competing things.” (Lyle, 11:30)

• The Social Facade: Chris observes that everyone puts on social masks to hide their weirdness; concludes that the concept of “normal” is arbitrary and relative.

  • “We're all weird, we just hide it better… By having different standards of normal, we're all kind of weird.” (Chris, 12:35)

Honesty & Making Friends as an Adult

• Difficulties Connecting with Peers: Chris finds himself gravitating towards older friends (even in church, most of his meaningful connections are with people far older than him).
• Honesty as a Double-Edged Sword: Sometimes his raw openness alienates people, especially those from more privileged backgrounds.
  • Tells blunt and traumatic stories that make others uncomfortable (notably, recounts a disturbing sexual encounter in adolescence and explaining the fallout in a peer group; see 23:05–29:10).
  • “My honesty kind of drives people away because I can be a pretty open book… I know it makes them uncomfortable.” (Chris, 20:49)
  • Lyle reassures: “I don’t even think you should say it’s your fault… being like that… once you get older you start to understand that everyone is the way they are for some reason.” (Lyle, 07:38)

The Southern Small Town Dynamic

• Chris details the class divides, “old money”, and the performative niceness in his community, leading to a sense of persistent outsider status.
  • “Here, if you’re not in their presence with a suit and tie they automatically look down on you.” (Chris, 17:14)
• Finds church groups stifling and plans to look for a new one, as young peers are friendly but not authentic (“I feel like my honesty kind of drives those people away…” Chris, 19:47).

Work, DJing, and Lifestyle

• Contracting Job & DJing: Works solo most days, "with headphones on all day", making it hard to form bonds at work, despite regularly DJing local gigs at night.
• Lack of Connection: Admits to feeling lonely and wishing for meaningful connections: “I long for connection. I do. I feel like deep down everybody does.” (Chris, 37:55)

Romantic Relationships

• Recounts tumultuous dating history: a sheltered upbringing, an adolescent encounter marred by trauma, and a significant three-year relationship that ended in self-realization and growth. He abstained from relationships to work on himself and is now re-entering the dating world.
  • Notably candid about romantic missteps and his introspective journey (“I realized I didn't really like her … I was just using her to get out of my dad's house, and it really messed me up.” – Chris, 48:56)
• Navigates dating apps (Tinder, Christian Mingle, Facebook Dating), and the emotional rollercoaster of rejection.
  • “I could have everything I wanted, but if I don’t have anyone to share it with, what’s the point?” (Chris, 38:08)

Therapy Gecko’s Reflections and Advice

• You Need More Exposure: Lyle suggests that Chris' social difficulties are more about lack of proximity to potential friends than any personal deficiency.
  • “You’re just not naturally exposed to that many people… try to be around more people, however you can do that.” (Lyle, 65:57)
  • “People don’t give you everything all at once... So you gotta keep somewhat of an open mind.” (Lyle, 67:13)
• Being Open as a 'Tax': On vulnerability and being hurt: “That’ll happen if you put yourself out there… It’s unfortunate, but it’s kind of like a tax.” (Lyle, 71:27)
• Actionable Step: Chris resolves to take off his headphones at work, try eating in the break room, and attempt more casual social interactions.

Memorable Quotes from the Segment

• “I had very little emotional support… that’s why I do appreciate music.” (Chris, 05:18)
• “I was more grown than I was raised.” (Chris, 04:07)
• “If I don’t have anyone to share it with, what’s the point?” (Chris, 38:08)
• “Part of being a person that puts themselves out there is accepting that sometimes people will use it against you... it’s a tax.” (Lyle, 71:27)

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Rocky: Abandonment, Mental Health, and Resilience

Timestamps: 76:49–93:38

Crisis Upon Crisis

• Lottery Loss: Rocky, recently won $11k in the lottery, but his wife spent it all on presents and promptly left him. She has a history of mental health struggles (BPD, schizophrenia), and he describes the cycle of abandonment as recurring, though she’s never fully blocked him before.
  • “She bought Christmas presents for her whole family and then decided she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore… this time it’s kind of different.” (Rocky, 77:01–78:10)
• Isolation: Alone except for six cats, Rocky details his struggle with depression, anxiety, and being “cut off” by his friend group (for canceling too many plans to accommodate his wife).

The Repetitive Cycle & Its Toll

• Recurring Absences: Wife tends to leave periodically (often around holidays) and usually returns; this time feels final.
  • “Usually she kind of ends up just kind of taking off somewhere and eventually she will come back, but this time it's kind of different… she completely blocked me.” (Rocky, 79:07–79:48)
• Support System Shrinking: Friends have grown tired of the back-and-forth, feeling like he’s not taking action to help himself.
  • “They see it a different way… like we’re kind of tired of dealing with this and you’re not dealing with it, so we just don’t want anything to do with you anymore, which I can’t blame them.” (Rocky, 87:46)

Coping & Vulnerability

• Withdrawal: Rocky has quit both weed and masturbation "cold turkey" in an effort to regain control of his life, intensifying his discomfort.
  • “You’re doing all of this without smoking weed and jacking off? … You’re like GI Joe, you’re like Chuck Norris! Who are you?” (Lyle, 92:07; jokingly, but with affection)
• Simple Joys: Moments of joy are rare – "like when the cat comes up to me and starts purring." (Rocky, 81:35)

Lyle’s Reflections and Empathy

• The Cycle is Hard to Break: Lyle sympathizes with the difficulty of breaking a toxic relationship cycle, reassuring Rocky that his feelings are common and don’t make him a “loser”.
  • “I don’t think you should wallow in shame or self-hatred… Have a little bit of grace for yourself.” (Lyle, 88:24)
• Advice is Hard: Acknowledges that the only one who can break the cycle is Rocky. Suggests releasing self-judgment and simply recognizing the cycle.

Memorable Quotes from the Segment

• “You’re doing all of this without smoking weed and jacking off? … You’re like GI Joe, you’re like Chuck Norris! Who are you?” (Lyle, 92:07)
• “I don’t think you should wallow in shame or self hatred about it… Have a little bit of grace for yourself.” (Lyle, 88:24)
• “If [my wife] wants to be with me, awesome, if not, I understand… but my friends see it a different way.” (Rocky, 87:46)

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Important Thematic Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|----------------------------------------------------| | 01:43 | Chris greets Lyle; introduces loneliness | | 04:07 | Childhood trauma and search for emotional support | | 09:14 | Determinism, empathy, philosophical reflection | | 20:49 | Honesty driving people away | | 23:05–29:10 | Telling a traumatic story to friends, fallout | | 33:52 | Friendship patterns, church social dynamics | | 35:11 | Chris’s jobs, music, and isolation | | 37:55 | Admits longing for connection | | 47:07 | Romantic history and self-reflection | | 52:28 | Rejection on dating apps; loneliness | | 65:57 | Lyle’s practical advice: “be around more people” | | 71:27 | On vulnerability: “it’s kind of like a tax” | | 76:49 | Rocky’s call: wife’s departure, being cut off | | 77:01–79:48 | Wife’s cyclical absences, impact on friendships | | 92:07 | Rocky’s withdrawal from all vices (“Chuck Norris!”)|

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Notable Quotes and Moments

• Chris: “I was more grown than I was raised.” (04:07)
• Chris: “If I was born into your body, Lyle, … I would literally be who you are today.” (09:14)
• Chris: “We're all weird… we just hide it better.” (12:35)
• Lyle: “People don’t give you everything all at once… you gotta keep somewhat of an open mind.” (67:13)
• Lyle: “That’ll happen if you put yourself out there… it’s a tax.” (71:27)
• Chris: “If I don’t have anyone to share it with, what’s the point?” (38:08)
• Rocky: “She bought Christmas presents for her whole family and then decided she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.” (77:01)
• Lyle: “You’re doing all of this without smoking weed and jacking off? … You’re like GI Joe, you’re like Chuck Norris!” (92:07)
• Lyle: “I don’t think you should wallow in shame or self hatred… Have a little bit of grace for yourself.” (88:24)

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Final Thoughts & Takeaways

• Both callers demonstrate the deep ache of wanting to be loved and understood, set against challenging backdrops—be it a legacy of trauma and poverty or a cycle of abandonment and codependency.
• Lyle continually models empathy, reflection, and gentle challenging of maladaptive assumptions, steering lonely souls toward self-acceptance and actionable change: exposure to more people, vulnerability in balance, and letting go of self-judgment.
• The episode is a meditation on how survival, coping, and connection intertwine—and how, even in the proverbial “middle of nowhere,” empathy and music (and sometimes a stranger in a lizard suit) can keep hope alive.

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For listeners who haven't heard the episode:
This is a raw, honest journey through isolation, childhood trauma, adult loneliness, and the brave effort to reach out despite it all—sometimes messy, sometimes funny, always real. If you relate to feeling like an outcast, struggling with vulnerability, or just want to feel seen, this episode is for you.

Transcript

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Hi guys my name is ashley and you might have seen me and my team in some pretty intense battles here.

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In on the action search life fest twenty twenty five on tiktok and back.

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[Sophie Cunningham]

This is sophie cunningham from show me something do you know the symptoms of moderate to severe obstructive sleep apnea or osa in adults with obesity they may be happening to you without you knowing if anyone has ever said you snore loudly or if you spend your days fighting off excessive tiredness irritability and concentration issues it may be due to osa osa is a serious condition where your airway partially or completely collapses during sleep which may cause breathing interruptions and oxygen deprivation learn more at don't sleep on osa dot com this information is provided by lily a medicine company.

[Chris]

Call from chris hello what's up l.

[Lyle]

Hey what's up man how you doing.

[Chris]

Man i could be better but i'm i'm living how about stuff yeah i'm.

[Lyle]

All right but what what is it i mean shit i feel like if it's cool with you i don't i don't mind if we get into it here i'm game i'm game today why could you be doing better chris.

[Chris]

Man i just i just i feel like i have big dreams but like little dedication to follow through with them i don't know if that makes any sense.

[Lyle]

Sure that makes sense what are you what are your dreams chris well i.

[Chris]

I want to i want to create music that emotionally that that helps people i come from a childhood where i mean truth be told man all i really had to to get me through my life was god and music and i mean music is a tangible thing for me that was always there for me and like i want to i want to create music that helps people like the music i listen to help me i guess.

[Lyle]

What kind of music was it that helped you.

[Chris]

I mean different kinds i don't i don't like okay literally anything from heavy metal conscious rap like alternative rock it's just everything.

[Lyle]

Conscious.

[Chris]

Yeah you know like like j cole kanye west stuff like that.

[Lyle]

And how how did this music help you.

[Chris]

Well kind of gave me bear with me it gave me the delusion that i should keep trying even though everything around me told me that i should give up to put it politely.

[Lyle]

Interesting you mean just you mean give up on like living yeah what what were the things around you telling you to give up on living.

[Chris]

Well i mean i'm gonna go deep with you mister g if you want i mean i'm fine with it okay so just to give you an idea of my life one of the earliest memories i have is of my dad picking up a fan and throwing it at my mom while she was in the bathtub i was like when i was four years old and like just living in a house with a bunch of drug users living in a bunch of chaotic situations truth be told man i i was one of i was more so raised than i was or not raised i was grown more than i was raised like my family provided me the basic necessities and they you know gave the mirage to everyone else that was a good old happy family but you know i'd go to my parents like i go to my mom's and ask her just about anything and she'd always be too busy or not right now or why are you always asking things like this and i just i had very little i had very little emotional support i guess that's why i do appreciate music because that was one of the few things that did emotionally support me even though i didn't know the the artist personally they were ones telling me like keep going you know fight the storm or you know whatever stuff like that.

[Lyle]

Did you have anyone besides the musicians that were providing you with some kind of guidance or support like did you have any friends or like like an uncle or something.

[Chris]

I had a grandpa i mean he passed away whenever i was fifteen i think but i mean really not not really i was a really annoying kid i was a wannabe class clown like i wanted people to laugh at the jokes i said but a lot of times if i were to raise my hand in class people would like audibly grown like they just it was well known that people didn't like me i was like i guess a good analogy would be that i was always the last kid to get picked to like get picked during team sports because it wasn't like i couldn't play it's just they didn't even want me around but you know i'm at the age now where i realized that the reason i was acting like that is because i was trying to get i was seeking attention from school coaching from the lack of attention i got from home.

[Lyle]

So when you were that kid were you able to make friends with any of the other weird kids cuz i feel like there's always like kind of a group of like annoying kids that like get together and like they can like kind of be annoying amongst one another.

[Chris]

If i did it was only at school and it would usually just be the people who would move like move in from out of town it's yeah i mean i'm not i don't want to sit here and like say that it's all their fault like i understand now looking back at it that was definitely an annoying kid but it's just i mean it's it it was part of my life you know no i don't think i.

[Lyle]

Don'T i don't think you're saying that it's anyone else's fault i don't i don't even think you should say it's your fault i mean i don't even think fault is like a thing it's funny listening to you talk i'm gonna be on like i was probably not that nice of a guy when i was in like middle school elementary school maybe even parts of high school you know and i i think that just like i don't know and being like like that like what i don't know once you get older and you kind of start to build start to understand that like everyone is the way that they are for some reason that i mean it's for some reason it's like outside of themselves right like you're running around right you know trying to get attention that you're not getting at home and it's like damn i you know i don't know man that's like when i when i die i'm like those are the things that's the only that's the main thing i'll regret is like times i was like a dick or you know like yeah especially like in those younger years when it's like you got like children who have very little empathy just naturally because of the fact that they're kids and then you know other kids who are just trying to fucking figure out how to exist and be be seen in some positive light and it's like a recipe for disaster.

[Chris]

Yeah i agree the way i look at it now is it's it's basically like i just came to the realization one day like if i was born into your body lyle with your parents and your family i would literally be.

[Lyle]

Who you are today yeah yeah yes yeah i i i agree and it's the craziest it's it's the the one of the most existential mysteries that i have can't really wrap my head around is that i there's no reason why i'm me and you're you you know or like i like or like you said i don't know i'll walk by someone like living on the street and i'm like there's no re there's no reason really why i'm me and they're them and you could say like i don't i don't know this now we're getting into a conversation about like free will versus determinism but low key i'm a little with you dude i'm i'm a bit of a deter i'm a it doesn't make me feel good to think about and i don't and it doesn't make me feel empowered to think about but i'm a little deterministic as a treat sometimes you know what i.

[Chris]

Mean i hear what you're saying i think go ahead no i i believe in determinism but i think i think it's there's a weird blend of free will and determinism almost like like you have the you have the ability to make whatever choices you want in life but there's certain things that i guess you could say were just destined to happen regardless yeah sorry no no you go ahead like like if i wanted to right now i could go and i could literally drive across the country and never say anything to anybody again but at the end of the day is it like was that my free will to do it or was i always going to do it i just chose to do it today.

[Lyle]

Yeah and then well then you can get into the thing of like well whatever way that you were raised in your environment and the the neurons and whatever the i don't know what a neuron is i don't know i'm saying it but whatever the thing is that makes you you you and your personality like how much of that like like there are certain things within you that are giving you the hesitation to just drop everything and move across the country so how much of that is your free will versus just you following how you're naturally inclined like that's why i don't like when people say stuff like doing things out of character because everything everyone does is within their character because they did it i guess also your character can hold a variety of competing things but.

[Chris]

Kind of tapping into something i've been thinking about a lot lately like i like reading people i guess i don't really have it's kind of a subconscious thing i guess everyone does but i do it a lot like i read people and i i've come to realize that a lot of people put on a social facade because they don't want to seem quote unquote weird but if you like look at every human being there is we're we're all weird like we all have weird we do we it's just some of us are better at hiding it than others kind of a question i've been pondering on lately like what is normal you know like we were all raised to act normal but we were all raised differently too so we all have different standards of normal so by default by having different standards of normal we're all kind of weird just in that one idea let alone by the things we say and do and our normisms and all that.

[Lyle]

Stuff i one hundred agree with you no i think about that too somebody somebody somebody asked me the other day if i think that they're weird and i told them that i can't really answer that question because i think that i don't really believe in like you're saying any kind of like objective baseline of normality i guess there's like societally there's like societally there's a societal consensus of normality and i guess you can kinda determine what that societal consensus of normality is and then what breaking away from it would be but there's no i don't even think there's like a global sense of normality right because whatever what's normal in america is not normal in fucking north korea what's normal at your house growing up is different from what's normal at mine like i it's there's too many also we don't we don't live in the consensus we just live in our own fucking world so no i agree with you it's weird it's one of those ex's it's one of those like an existential thoughts that makes me feel like i can't grasp on to anything right i guess the only the antidote to it seems to me to be to kind of define your own baseline of normality and maybe that's a little bit where your free will can kick in.

[Chris]

For me it's like being that i recognize that a lot of people put on act and facade that the way to kind of ground me is just to literally be me and to not really give a about what people think about me i mean obviously i do care about what people think about me on some deep level but i also have like this switch in my mind right i can go from where i like deeply care and i'll like like what's the word called like room in this i think that's ruminate ruminate i'll ruminate over a conversation but then like once i reach a certain point with some people or when i realize they're they're being like extra i just i can i can shut off that part of my mind and it's kind of just like you know i'm me and if you don't like me then that must mean we weren't meant to be friends so i hope you have a good life yeah.

[Lyle]

Totally and dude and dude peep i've i've thought this my whole life is that people will cling deeply to like societal baselines of normality in terms of how holding to them makes them somehow like objectively better than you you know and then they'll kind of like want you to like be at their level not even consciously just like while you're talking to someone like maybe your brain will be like oh am i cool enough to be with this person because they're like so cool because of this that and the other reason that we've elected is is cool or worthy or valid like is my existence compared to this person's existence like valid you know.

[Chris]

But i've noticed that from where i'm at i live in small town usa down south i i didn't i never really noticed it as a kid but one of my i used to talk to him we're not really friends anymore he it's an it's an old best friend of mine he comes from like a wealthier family and he broke it down to me one day him and a few other people there really is like a class a social class system especially with people who are like i guess you want to call them old money like there's people where if you don't if you're not in their presence with a suit and tie they automatically look down on you and it's yeah that's that's kind of those are the people i don't play to like i don't i couldn't give a what they think about me because they're going to think what they think about me regardless.

[Lyle]

Well yeah you don't have to they don't the the the the univ there's the universe has no like judge jury and executioner on like validity you know so like if a guy and his friends and whatever have decided that your validity or worth is based upon your whether or not you're wearing a suit or whatever then you know i mean god bless i mean look god bless them right they can live in their universe and and be happy in that universe and that's their universe but you don't have to like ruminate on your relation to that universe you know right.

[Chris]

I think the thing the people i usually only roommate on are people i genuinely care about yeah of course but i guess that's part of the reason why i was calling because i like i don't really have that many people i could consider friends here lately i've got a lot of older people who are you know we're friends but it's not like i can go out and have a couple drinks with them and go to the beach and hang out it's more like i see them on occasion and they give me inspiration and you know we talk every now and.

[Lyle]

Then wait hold up man how old.

[Chris]

Are you i'm twenty four oh okay.

[Lyle]

I thought you were like like nineteen or something oh no oh so i know i thought i guess i was i was you i i i was interpreting that you were saying that you.

[Chris]

Can'T drink oh no yeah no i can i just mean like like i i genuinely the the people i have around me that are my age go to a church that i go to and they it it's a part of it's it's kind of why i brought that class system because i noticed it with them like they come from not a more fortunate like not like rich household but a more fortunate household than me i guess the way i could put it is like preppy white kids like they act nice to my face but i can read it like i can read from their body the whole time they're just talking to me to be polite and i've i've noticed that with a lot of people my age as well there's some who kind of stand out but i feel like my honesty kind of drives those people away because i can be i i'm trying to hold it back now but i could be a pretty open book with people and i know it makes them.

[Lyle]

Uncomfortable okay so when you say your honesty drives people away what i mean what is that how does that play out what does that look like like.

[Chris]

We'Ll sit there and talk and you know they'll tell me about some issues that that they've had and i'll you know we'll we'll talk about it and then i'll bring up some issues i've had and it's i don't know it's it it feels like they don't know how to talk to me because they think that i think differently than them because i came from a different background than them like i'm trying to remember a conversation i had with this guy one time but the the the theme of the conversation was basically yeah you've had a harder life that must stuck man i'm and he was like in a way apologizing that he still lived with his family i don't know if that makes any sense but i mean i i live on my own i've been living on my own since eighteen but you mean like he felt he.

[Lyle]

Felt like guilty hearing your story okay.

[Chris]

Okay that's a good way of putting.

[Lyle]

It okay.

[Chris]

I think there's that and plus my adhd can take over and like i could say like one example is with a guy who i guess we're still considered friends but more so friends that you talk to every four or five months he introduced me to his girlfriend and he made the mistake of saying bro don't worry how you talk around her you know he's a teacher she's like one of the bros and so you know i was talking to her like she was one of the bros and ever since then i you know went from me and him talking every month and him going out with me to he'll stop by and say hello every now and then.

[Lyle]

What were you what were you saying what were you saying where you're like okay yeah she's one of the bros we can just like what were you saying.

[Chris]

Well me and him were riding around their golf cart in our town one day and there's this specific alley in my town where i've lived a lot of crazy parts of my life and one in particular don't just tell me if i need to stop because it i don't know if it's appropriate or not but i was let's just say i was over at my stepmom's friend's house and this random lady comes in and after she comes in my stepmom and her friend go to the store let it go walk into the store and within five minutes of meeting the lady she is giving me oral sex on the couch of my stepmom's friend but i told i told it you know i told him and his girl that while we were going down the road and i'll sing it because it makes me laugh when i think about it because it's it's fucking crazy like that whole situation wait hold on okay.

[Lyle]

All right all right i'm gonna put a pin i'm truly going to put a pin in the girlfriend's response to this story but first of all i don't understand this story okay as far as i'm as far as i know this story is a random lady comes into your house and gives you a.

[Chris]

Blowjob okay i moved i'm kind of i'm trying to be quick but i start from ground zero i had to move to florida for a little bit and i moved back up from florida and within two days of moving up my dad and my stepmom got into this huge argument it was like physical and all that i had to call the cops on him he ended up leaving and i didn't want to stay at the house because i was tired of his so i went with my stepmom and we went to her friend's house and it was like the second day i was there i had smoked weed for the first time in like two years and we're hanging out out of nowhere you know we're at my stepmom's friend's house all right their friend comes over and starts talking with him and says a bunch of stuff but my stepmom and her friend who owns the house went to go to the.

[Lyle]

Gas station okay so your stepmom's friend's friend is over and you're staying over at the stepmom's friend's house right okay.

[Chris]

So when they go to the gas station it's just me and this lady who just walked in who i've never met before in my life we're watching tv and she goes on her facebook and pulls up a photo of a younger version of her keep in mind i'm high like high like i ain't smoked weed in years that's first like high as she she shows me the pictures he's like don't you think she's cute and i you know i wasn't i mean what the hell was am i supposed to say i said yeah she's cute and one thing led to another brother and her.

[Lyle]

This lady just randomly is giving like what like what.

[Chris]

Happened afterwards so she showed me her thing on facebook it was a younger picture of her she told me it was her and then out of the blue she was like she asked me if i was still a virgin and i said yeah i was because i was like i was like sixteen at the time oh jesus and one thing led to another she takes off her bra and and you know he tried to she well i mean she tried to commit oral sex on me except i was so high i couldn't even get hard so after like two minutes of her trying i just went into the other room she just left dude.

[Lyle]

Jesus christ man how old was this.

[Chris]

Lady he told me she had a nine year old daughter i think she was at least like forty or fifty.

[Lyle]

Jesus christ what was that the last time you ever saw this lady no.

[Chris]

The last time i saw her she was riding the bicycle through town did you did you say hi no this was so weird to me like you know in the moment you know we're back dudes you know when you're in the moment you sitting there trying to get what you can but whenever the post nut clarity comes later it's like what the fuck was that okay okay.

[Lyle]

Okay chris right yeah okay see so so basically so basically basically you're hanging out with your friend and his girlfriend and and you just tell her a story about you getting molested and then and then she's like i don't want to talk to this guy anymore well.

[Chris]

She looking back on it he acted normal about it because she the way the way my friend explained it to me is that she's a teacher she's heard a lot of crazy and we were just riding around i was like you know i've got a bunch of stories down this alley if y' all want to go down we can i'll tell y' all some of them i told him that and all i know she acted normal about it all i know is after that day i've seen the gods twice in over a year.

[Lyle]

Okay all right jesus christ.

[Chris]

Yeah that's just here's another one in that same house at when i was sixteen i never did it never will do it never ever my stepmom's friend showed me how to smoke crack out of a coke can in that same house was.

[Lyle]

It this is it was it the.

[Chris]

Same lady no it wasn't it wasn't the lady who chopped it was her friend who owned the house.

[Lyle]

Oh man.

[Chris]

I guess it was written at the time yeah all right no they were.

[Lyle]

So wait did you did you did.

[Chris]

You smoke the crack no no no never my dad so i've known since thirteen that my dad smokes or used to smoke meth and so i told myself like if it comes in the shape of a rock i'm not with it all right like i'll smoke weed i'll drink i'll i'll you know i'll eat mushrooms but i'm not doing any of that.

[Lyle]

So h okay so so so you told your friends that story and so basically you're having a hard you're having a hard time just like making friends let's get back to that yeah do you go ahead go ahead.

[Chris]

I think it's because i think there's a mixture of it like i think a lot of people don't know how to read me at first because i have really bad arresting fish face but i i recognize when people get to know me they actually enjoy my presence but there's some kind of disconnect at least with people my age like i get along really well with people older than me and i've been told that i'm a quote unquote old soul and all that but that's cool and all that i want to i'd like to connect with people my age but i i guess there's also the social anxiety part of me that doesn't really know how to because i didn't really like in the environment i grew up in i didn't even want to bring friends over because i didn't want them to see i didn't want them to see my dad's house filled with roaches and rats and drugs and shit and i didn't want to see my mom's house where i was constantly being yelled at and literally called a fat ass every day of my life like so i just kind of self isolated as a kid like i would talk to people at school and like they would tell me that they would tell me that they want me to come over and hang out and they'd make up all the plans and all that but whenever the time would come and i try to call them the day of they would just ignore me like over and over and over again and i guess i don't know if that's like subconsciously passed down to me now but i find it difficult to put myself out there to really anybody like again i could be really honest with people like i view myself as an open book i've learned with age try to dial that back a little bit but when i say put myself out there i guess like be emotionally vulnerable and suggest to the other person like hey we should be friends like i don't really know why but it's kind of a daunting idea to me well i mean.

[Lyle]

I got a few thoughts on that is i think you go to church right yeah okay you're a man of god gotta be you're a man of god well you're a man of god but you're also an admittedly peculiar gentleman with admittedly peculiar sense of humor and sense of thought which i think are good things to have is it that the reason i ask about church is because i mean friendships are in some ways mechanical in the sense that they're just like exposure over time so like the people that you're regularly seeing at church every sunday or or more if you're if you're going there regularly like do you have you not found anyone there that you sort of like naturally connect with.

[Chris]

The two people i naturally connect with one is like eighty and the other is like fifty five.

[Lyle]

Wait eighty and fifty five yeah wow okay.

[Chris]

I go to kind of a smaller church and i've actually i've really been considering moving churches i'm probably going to soon but i just noticed at least in my church all the college age kids who are around my age or it's it's like you know at a church you're supposed to be a family when i'm around them i feel like i'm more of a family friend than a family like it's it's kind of like they don't miss me in my absence but they'll say hey chris we missed you last sunday and that'll be.

[Lyle]

It okay tell me more about just your life chris like what do you what do you what do you do like do you go to school do you work.

[Chris]

I work for a contracting company i'm a team lead for it i basically assemble like furniture and grills and all that for lowe's and home depot it's pretty good money it keeps me busy all the time and when i'm not doing that i'm djing you did you dj like yeah i don't know if you remember but i'm that i'm the guy who called a few months back about i don't know you talked to a lot of people i oh my oh i didn't realize we talked before yeah we we have the guy who almost died on acid if that rings any bells if not i wouldn't worry about it.

[Lyle]

Huh i feel like maybe i've talked maybe maybe i've unfortunately talked to too many people who have almost died on acid but anyway i'm glad to be talking to you now okay you dj so so well actually you know what is i mean a few things right is you're already doing a lot of things that get you out into the universe you know you're not like you're not a basement dweller you spend a lot of time in person around other people.

[Chris]

Well i do when i'm djing but at my full time job i'm mainly just in the back room by myself like i listen to podcasts and music all day that's kind of how i got into your podcast because i got tired of listening to joe rogan so i just went on youtube and yours came up and you know it's just a little side note i appreciate what you do man because you like some of the guests you've had on have made me feel really normal there's a weird baseline there but it's helped me realize a lot of i think of is not you know that weird but i mean it is difficult because again you know i'm in a back room and i've got headphones on all day and it's just the only time people talk to me is if they need something out of me now there's not really a lot of at work banter mostly because i can't even really afford to i get paid by the piece so anytime i spend not working is it's time.

[Lyle]

I'M losing money do you feel are you like one of those kind of like proud lone wolf guys or do you like feel lonely and long for.

[Chris]

Connection i used to be like that but i long for connection i do i feel like deep down everybody does i mean we're social creatures by nature yeah something i think about a lot i guess it's kind of in comparison to that idea is like even when we're born a woman i'm sure it's been done before but it's preferably that whenever a woman's given birth there's at least one other person there you know modern america there's a team of people there because yeah to even be born you know it's kind of preferred that you have other people it takes a village for real and something that really reinforced that thought for me was on that night that i did almost die of acid i had this weird visual let's just say i took twelve times the recommended amount of dose acid i took a regular tabs one hundred micrograms i took around twelve hundred micrograms of liquid lsd at one time and during that whole experience i had this vision that i was in outer space and i could go anywhere i wanted in the universe and i remember thinking like this is so cool it's so amazing and i went to turn to tell whoever i thought was next to me like can you believe it and when i turned no one was there and when no one was there i realized like i could have everything i wanted but if i don't have anyone to share it with what's the point yeah.

[Lyle]

One hundred percent man one hundred percent so your whole i okay so let's go back to this whole thing of like you feel like you only get along well with older people like you have an eighty year old your best friends are eighty and fifty five and you're twenty four is that accurate.

[Chris]

Well i mean kind of my best my best friend right now is probably he's sixty one he's my boss too so i don't know if you consider him a friend.

[Lyle]

Hey folks i'm here today to tell you guys about tiktok's hashtag live fest two thousand twenty five i know a lot of you guys are tiktok scrollers maybe that's how you found this show in the first place maybe some of you are content creators yourselves because doing wacky dances or singing songs or sharing stuff from your life on there but whichever one you are you're gonna wanna be part of tiktok's live fest twenty twenty five there will be all kinds of performances challenges battles and big community moments for you to dive into anything can happen and that is the magic of tiktok live creators of every kind from all over the world are gathering together and and from december tenth to the twenty second live fest is going full throttle so whether you are a fan or a creator search livefest two thousand twenty five on tiktok to catch everything happening during live fest and let's celebrate live together cleaning out.

[Podcast Host]

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[Chris]

I mean i i did used to have a friend group that was my age we've met like we became a group my senior year but it it kind of just fell apart with tom like one of the guys ended up leaving and getting married everyone like three or four of them just stopped talking to us and eventually boiled down to me and this dude i i still consider it like a brother but they there's just he's not the same person anymore and i guess i'm not either and he's kind of a covert narcissist i'm sure or i hope do you know what that is yeah.

[Lyle]

Sure what what makes you say he turned into that.

[Chris]

Well i think he was i think he was like that all along it just took me years to realize it but i realized that whenever we talk it it's always about him yeah like like he would constantly talk about things he did or social dynamics in his household and i would go along with like yeah that's cool man that's cool and it'd be a little pause and then i call him one day or i would say you know i made a thousand dollars in eight hours today bro and he wouldn't even say oh that's cool he wouldn't even acknowledge it he would just go in the like go and be proud about something else he did and it it boiled down to like when we get when we get into arguments as friends you know we were friends for years and friends will do that through the years the arguments went from you know it was basically like if i ever tried to argue with him i was the gaslighter and i was trying to manipulate him so the last time we talked we were playing rocket league and so i hit the ball backwards and then he instinctively hit the ball again and it went into the net and after he hit the ball into the net he started literally screaming at me screaming at me jesus christ and i was like i was like dude i might have hit the ball backwards but you hit it in the net like it's not my fault you hit it in the neck and he just went off and was like no i'm tired of you always saying that i'm never right you're gaslighting me about this you know it's your fault i just i was in a three year relationship with my ex fiance and she would do that same to me and so whenever whenever he started doing it i actually went into chat gbt and i like put in our whole conversation and i asked chat gbt like am i gaslighting like am i doing this and i'm just not even aware of it huh and it i mean it told me that see what he's doing is the textbook definition of gaslighting it's like whenever you're wrong you don't admit you're wrong you you admit someone else is wrong and you can't be you can't be wrong and so long story short i went off on him i told him that you know he needs to get over his self and if he wants to be my friend he's got to cut the and then he he threatened to walk out of my life forever and all this and so i told him if that's what you want to do i'd rather be happy and alone than deal with your all the time and yeah that was that was the last time i talked to him well one on one at least so.

[Lyle]

What'S your what's your dating history like you said you had a fiance.

[Chris]

Truth be told of i've been in maybe three quote unquote serious relationships that's a.

[Lyle]

Lot of connections.

[Chris]

Yeah i guess i.

[Lyle]

Don'T know i mean yeah no no go ahead go ahead run me down.

[Chris]

Well the first one was whenever i was like eleven okay that's a quote unquote serious because we were like best friends so we never hugged and kissed or nothing like that we taught each other boyfriend and girlfriend tell me this.

[Lyle]

Is not another adult.

[Chris]

It'S not she was older than me but only by a year.

[Lyle]

Good.

[Chris]

That'D be kind of if it was though wouldn't it.

[Lyle]

Okay okay all right so actually yeah go ahead all right so there was the girl when you were eleven and i get i get why that doesn't really count to you so yeah keep keep keep continue the rundown well the next.

[Chris]

One was an online relationship and that ended because like he was in the she was in like a culture christian religion like it it's based off christianity but it's very culty like women aren't supposed to wear pants men aren't supposed to wear shorts type of cult type type stuff and she was afraid to tell her dad about me and her so we could never go on dates or anything so i just broke it off with her and then after her well i'll go ahead and this one wasn't really a serious relationship but after her i got a text message from a chick me and her took each other's virginity i got caught in her dad's bed one day and she moved from southeast georgia to seattle washington within a week yeah that was a the last relationship i was in was with my fiance i've known her since i was sixteen or fifteen but we got together whenever i was seventeen and we actually lived together in a one bedroom one bath house with no living room like anytime we were home we were literally in the same bed all day it i don't know after after three years i realized that i didn't really like her and then truth be told i was in a sense i was just kind of using her just to get out of my dad's house and it and it really messed me up and when i realized that it was actually on acid when i realized that it was my first ego death i realized that i was using her and i like didn't really give a about how she felt that changed my whole perspective on the relationship and i decided to actually love her and like dedicate myself to her as best as i could but as time went on i just i realized that it's better for me to not even be in a relationship with someone if i don't it we just didn't click after a while and it's kind of interesting because so my sister had a baby shower and she never showed up to it and when she did i started feeling the relationship really fall apart and so i actually said a prayer to god i mean just about verbatim i said god i want a career in music whatever that ends up being and i want a loving wife who wants to have kids with me and will die with me i said if that means that this girl has got to go then so be it and about three or four days later i get home from work and all her shit's out of our apartment and two years later i get i get this job djing but you know after the relationship ended i decided that i was going to spend the three years i took away from her and spend it being single and so i was celibate for three years and those three years ended back back in october and so now i'm kind of out in the market for that.

[Lyle]

And back in october was this kind of like a one night stand thing or was this a lady you had you know at least some i didn't have to be you know your fucking no someone you had some form of like you know deeper connection with no.

[Chris]

Didn'T end because of a girl i just it was literally like i said a time frame i guess technically you could say i still am celibate but i told myself i wasn't going to go out looking for women or do anything i was basically going to invest that time into myself for three years.

[Lyle]

Oh okay okay so it was the end of okay back in october is when you you didn't have sex with someone you were just you just you just were like i am declaring myself i'm declaring my penis open for business.

[Chris]

There you go okay and what does.

[Lyle]

That look like for you where are you going out are you on apps.

[Chris]

Yeah i'm on tinder and kristen mingle and facebook dating it's kind of funny though because i downloaded all those and like two or three weeks ago i was at a gig i was actually doing a christmas party for home depot doing my thing and towards the end of my set this waitress sends her friend over and her friend says that the waitress thinks i look cute which is i mean a purse for me but this girl was like gorgeous like beautiful i couldn't believe it like i thought i looked ugly as going in there i couldn't believe that she thought i was yeah so i got her number and all that and i even gave her a hug by the end of the night and yeah like she wanted to get to know me until the next day where she just left me on red for like three days.

[Lyle]

Straight yeah you can't what yeah yeah you can't and i've learned this in my own dating endeavors because i get like that i fall i think i fall pretty quick you know you really you can't you either you either can't get too emotionally invested too deeply fast and i mean like you know first meet first date kind of fast you know what i mean or you can but but you know you got to accept that you you might get left on red and also you can't i mean you can't be upset with it right i mean if you meet somebody once it's like you're a stranger to them you know like they don't you know you got to accept your role in their life as a as a.

[Chris]

Stranger ultimately for sure like i even it's it's kind of funny because after the gig was over before i left i actually said another prayer to god and i was like you know i don't want to waste my time if this is if this is the girl you got in mind for me and let me know soon and if it's not no i said this girl you've got mine for me let me know if it's not let me know soon and i mean i was i was notified pretty quickly but it didn't i understand like it didn't mess me up when it happened but it wasn't really about her like i'm over it now like i'm i could give a about her at this point she's a stranger again but and at that time the way she did it it was like it almost like sent my nervous system into a flashback to all those other times i was rejected as a kid and it yeah i'm sure i mean it me up for a good day like i it had me crying but it wasn't i wasn't even crying about her i was like crying about just the emotional state i was in yeah.

[Lyle]

Yeah yeah that'll do that that'll do that it'll send you on a kind of an emotional roller coaster and yeah you're not even like upset about like this lady specifically you're just kind of like damn why am i on this i don't like being on this train you know it kind of yeah hearkens you back to like you could be fucking man i could be you could be you could be a full fledged adult and have some form of rejection that makes you feel like you're in.

[Chris]

Like middle school again really i mean absolutely dude it's like it put me right back in that place yeah and i guess the part that bothered me is because i try to i like to think of myself as a logical person and all that but whenever emotions hit like that almost like all logic leaves a window and you just kind of you know you just kind of gotta go with your nervous system let.

[Lyle]

Me tell you the let me tell you the great well i don't know if i it's so great but powerful maybe realization i have learned in my life over and over and over again and i'm sure you have too i'm sure a lot of people listening to this have made this realization over and over again the nervous system of the body does not respond to logic you can lie it just doesn't respond to logic right you could be like you can try to like logic yourself out of like emotional pain or or even like or like convince yourself you don't care about something or someone convince yourself that you're that you're gonna feel a certain way in a certain situation or you're not gonna feel a certain way in a certain certain situation and you can you can logically decide that you shouldn't feel a certain way and all this and the other thing and your central nervous system is going to do whatever it's going to do anyway it doesn't give a fuck about your logic.

[Chris]

You know yeah for real it's kind of crazy.

[Lyle]

I have two more things for you before we go one i do have to know what's going on on christian mingle what's the vibe what's happening what who are these people what are the people like what what's going on what does i just want the rundown on christian mingle it's it's i.

[Chris]

Don'T like it dude you get like five likes and they push a subscription on you and not only that it's to put it nicely the females on there are not my type what who's.

[Lyle]

Your type.

[Chris]

I don't want to sound shallow but like pretty females.

[Lyle]

I don't think you're alone and wanting to be physically attracted to the person you want your partner to be.

[Chris]

Yeah i mean i guess there's also like a emotional it's okay the way i kind of put is like you could be a ten out of ten but if if you're emotionally a three you are automatically a three in my head so i guess i'm looking for the needle on the haystack that's at least to me an attractive ten out of ten and a minimum emotional eight out of ten.

[Lyle]

I i think that i i think that's what everyone wants i think i think everyone wants somebody that they're physically but you know men and women i think everyone wants somebody that they're physically attracted to and like as a person i don't think that that's a i don't think that's a niche desire by.

[Chris]

Any means you would be surprised mister geck you would be surprised.

[Lyle]

How so.

[Chris]

Met a lot of i've met a lot of men who are like they don't care if they they just want what they can get they don't care about anything but looks i met a lot of people like that they don't.

[Lyle]

Care about anything but looks.

[Chris]

Right it's like i'm trying not to i'm trying not to be shallow i'm trying to think of a pc way of putting it but like so forgive me but i mean the girl could be dumb as rocks and like cheat on the guy but he won't care because she's a ten out of ten that he can go and like boast about to all his buddies yeah i try to avoid people like that but unfortunately with my line of work i run into a few of them okay i have.

[Lyle]

A weird question is there anyone on because like you know on all these on all the dating apps you can kind of like right like what you're looking for right is there anyone have you ever come across a profile on christian mingle where it's like i'm actually not looking for marriage i i want a casual hookup situation but i want them to be christian.

[Chris]

I'M not sure there probably is dude it wouldn't surprise me.

[Lyle]

Like is i would because that's the kind of website where i'm like i don't could you even put that as an option could you even put like figuring out your dating goals or whatever whatever the christian mingle version of that is i guess that kind of makes that i could see why that would be appealing to someone.

[Chris]

I think there is it's just for me like i don't know i truth be told i've kind of just stopped reading bios because i realized you're at least i'm i'm wasting my time doing it like i'm just gonna dislike the girls i i don't find attractive and like the ones i do and on the.

[Rocky]

Two.

[Chris]

Percent chance they like me back i'll assess the situation then.

[Lyle]

Anyway okay my second thing my last thing is i'd like to leave this conversation with some kind you know chris i listen chris i think you're a i think you're a nice guy i think you're a chill dude i think i think you're a smart guy i think you clearly have values i think that you're you know deep thinker i think you got a lot of great qualities my friend and i wanna i just wanna i don't know brad i don't know maybe a last minute brainstorm of some kind as to like what could you do you just gotta i think making friends and we've talked about this to to death on this show but you know making friends again it's just like exposure over time right so like can you think of any thing outside of your normal day to day routine that you could start to regularly invest yourself in i mean music's a great one like cuz i don't and what what what town what city do you live in you know if it's like a small one you just you know you have to give me the longitude latitude but like where are you near.

[Chris]

I'M about i think i'm like a good hour and a half from macon georgia okay.

[Lyle]

Are you like in are you like.

[Chris]

Middle of nowhere georgia i'm i'm in the deep south where they sit here and talk like this brother all right.

[Lyle]

Is there any is there any hope or chance or even desire or i you know i know money's tight but is there any any anything of you getting out of there.

[Chris]

There there is it's just with my djing work it's all based out of the town i live in and like i'm not an independent dj i work for a guy who's been doing it for over forty years and he actually gets the gigs for me it's kind of ironic because i spent my whole childhood telling myself that when i turn eighteen i'm getting the fuck out of georgia but i'm kind of at this situation now to where i like to think of it as i'm incubating like i'm getting as much knowledge as i can in this business so that you know when the time comes like he's my boss is sixty one right now so i figured ten fifteen years from now whenever he retires i'm probably going to move i think my next move would be like savannah georgia okay because here's the thing.

[Lyle]

If you want to start building a robust social life of some kind you got to go where the people are and it doesn't it just sounds like you're naturally not around that many people.

[Chris]

Yeah i'm not and again a big issue with that it's just my my full time job yeah even if i were to move to savannah but still work the full time job i would kind of be isolated still that's why you know i've got my my hope in djing i've i'm very self critical so i don't really believe it but i i get told over and over again that i'm a good dj and you know people tip me and pay for overtime so i guess i guess while i'm down here i need to really work on like i need i need to work on building like a social network hey it's it's it's complicated because i don't know i don't know man like i want to make more friends and i'd like to be i'd like to work i'd like to dj full time for the rest of my life but you know that's where it comes into networking and knowing a lot of people.

[Lyle]

Well i mean look i'll say this because only only you know your situation i'm not going to tell you to quit your job or whatever and run away from home but i'll say that i'll say this chris i think you're i think you're a nice dude i think that what's between in my eyes what's between you and making friends and whatnot is again just like the fact that you're just not naturally exposed to that many people by nature of your life you know i'm not and i guess i hope that you through whatever means exist within your existence and hope i don't know maybe you find the inspiration to create those means should should we move away from both of our unhealthy obsession with determinism i hope you find or create some kind of means to like build some life for yourself where you're you're just naturally around more people because i don't from talking to you and trust me we've had people on this show before that i have to talk to and i'm like i can understand with no judgment of course but i can understand why people might have a hard time being around this person and i you don't strike i've been talking for an hour i don't strike you as you know a tough guy to be around so for you i think it's it's again just gonna be about like building a life where you're naturally around more people however you can do that and also like keeping an open mind right because again you you walk around if you walk around being like oh i don't get along with other people my age it's like well you you might miss you might miss something because also people don't give you everything all that's another thing i've learned as i try to make more connections my life is that people don't give you everything all at once so if you're having a conversation with someone and this is a fucking guy i was i work out of this co working space where i edit and there's a guy there and i the first time i met him i was i hated him i was like this is and i didn't hate him but i was like oh this is like a normie boring like tech guy like i don't want to fucking talk to this guy we have no nothing in common whatever and then one night like i just i actually really i was like kind of put all that aside and i like decided it to like really engage with him and we had a we had a really great conversation and we connected over a bunch of different things that i didn't even think we would be able to talk about because i was being so preemptive beforehand so you know not everyone never ever no no one's gonna give you everything all at once so you know try to try to naturally be around more people and try to keep in mind that they're not gonna reveal themselves to you completely off the bat and so you gotta keep somewhat of an open mind and that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the therapy gecko that that's that's as much therapy gecko as this as the ninety one grams of caffeine in this diet mountain dew will will allow me to provide for you today chris.

[Chris]

Well i appreciate your time mister geck and i'll definitely he definitely gave me some good advice there like like putting myself around more people more and kind of understanding that they you know what i took from it it's basically like they're not you know like you said they're not going to give you their full selves all at once it's almost like they kind of have to get to trust you and then trust themselves around you in order for them to really open up.

[Lyle]

And also you told me this whole thing about you being an open book and how you feel like that's a bad thing but i don't know man you're like the environment the environment you're in sounds like and i don't want to be too judgmental but the environment you're in sounds like there's not a strong enough of a sample size a variety of people for you to make those assumptions about yourself that being kind of vulnerable or putting yourself out there is inherently bad.

[Chris]

Yeah i agree with that like i i guess my issue is is that i'm i kind of dive head in head first or i used to now it's not that i'm not honest is that i kind of lit out in little bits my little pieces because i've i just i've had a situation where someone has tried to use that against me so i you.

[Lyle]

Know yeah that'll happen yeah that's that's that's that's what ha that's what hat when you put yourself out that's why yeah that's why that'll happen if you're if you put yourself out there and you trust people and you're vulnerable to people they will use that against you like you it's inherent but part of being a person that does that is like is like accepting it as like you know attacks it's unfortunate but it's it's kind of like attacks so to say to me sometimes to say like oh i don't want to put myself out there because people will use it against me it's like it's like it's like saying i don't want to i think i'm stealing this from someone but it's like saying i don't want to jump off a diving board and because i'll fall in that pool and get wet you know it's like that's part of the thing we're like i don't want to get in the car i don't want to get in a car because i might get in a car accident you know.

[Chris]

Yeah well i think i agree with you what i'm gonna take from this because i know it's been a while it's all right what i'm gonna do since i wear headphones a lot i'm gonna try to take them off more and like instead of instead of eating lunch by myself i'll just go into the break room and like you know try to interact with.

[Lyle]

People it's a good idea man.

[Chris]

I appreciate your time mister geck i hope you have a blessed one man hey.

[Lyle]

You too man god bless you sir you take care chris appreciate you yes.

[Chris]

Sir you do the same.

[Lyle]

That was chris liked chris chris was a nice guy sweet boy interesting lore of a person but i don't know a deep a deep a deep a deep thinker a sensitive soul who like like all of us just wants to find their purpose in life and connect with others and i think he'll do it you know i think he'll do it what kind of djing gigs is he doing though in the deep south like what like what is he dj like is he he's not doing bar mitzvahs there's no there's he's not doing that is he like playing like sweet sixty like church gigs i guess there's no because he's not he's not like at like a berlin ubon you know crazy edm dance club or maybe he is i don't know maybe there's a big techno scene in southern georgia hey folks i'm here today to tell you guys about tiktok's livefest two thousand twenty five i know a lot of you guys are tiktok scrollers maybe that's how you found this show in the first place maybe some of you are content creators yourselves doing wacky dances or or singing songs or sharing stuff from your life on there but whichever one you are you're gonna wanna be part of tiktok's live fest twenty twenty five there will be all kinds of performances challenges battles and big community moments for you to dive into anything can happen and that is the magic of tiktok live creators of every kind from all over the world are gathering together and and from december tenth to the twenty second live fest is going full throttle so whether you are a fan or a creator search livefest two thousand twenty five on tiktok to catch everything happening during live fest and let's celebrate live together cleaning out.

[Podcast Host]

Your home is everything it clears your space your mind and it can give you holiday shopping power with trashy trashy is the easiest way to touch tidy up for the holidays clean out and donate what you don't need and make room for stuff you'll actually enjoy just buy a trashy bag fill it with anything you no longer need any brand any condition we take everything then ship it free and earn trashy cash points instantly guaranteed keep earning points when you shop exclusive trashy deals and redeem for shopping wherever you want or even donate them to charity it's simple it's satisfactory satisfying and it's sustainable since ninety five percent of what you send gets reused or recycled so those pants you love but never wear instead of your closet or a landfill they could wind up hugging someone else's butt while also unlocking a little festive shopping power for you buy your bag and clean out for the holidays at trashee io that's t r a s h i e i.

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[Chris]

Hello yeah.

[Lyle]

Hey there what's up man what's your.

[Rocky]

Name i'm rocky rocky nice to meet.

[Lyle]

You rocky what's going on with you.

[Rocky]

Well i won eleven thousand dollars in a lottery about two to three weeks ago and my wife of about eight to nine years ago or sorry sorry my wife of eight to nine years she kind of spent all the money and then left me so it's been a really tough christmas kind of coming.

[Chris]

Up and everything you know she spent.

[Lyle]

All the money and left you.

[Rocky]

Yeah she bought christmas presents for her whole family and then decided she didn't want anything to do with me anymore so she had kind of a mental breakdown after and then went to a crisis intervention unit and i did my best to try and be there for her as i could be during that time and she blocked me on everything after and i haven't heard from her since you know.

[Lyle]

Is this something that like like like are you are is this something where you're like okay this kind of tracks like she's done something like this before or you're like this is totally out of the blue.

[Rocky]

With this much money it's kind of out of the blue but throughout our relationship she's always had issues she struggles with bpd you know different she has like schizophrenia and stuff too so that's kind of always been an issue and it's i understand it's kind of my fault for choosing to be with her through the ups and downs but yeah it's kind of always been an issue.

[Lyle]

And when it's been an issue how has it usually been resolved in the past.

[Rocky]

That'S a really good question usually she kind of ends up just kind of taking off somewhere and eventually she will come back but this time it's kind of different you know like blocking me on everything and and just not wanting anything to do with me yeah kind of a shame we don't have any kids or anything so that makes it easier but we do have six cats so that's kind of a lot of animals for one person you know where are.

[Lyle]

What'S who where are the cats oh.

[Rocky]

They they live with me in my house here yeah so it's just kind of been our own little family and i know this is the last call and everything so i i don't want it to be too depressing but i've been sleeping on the couch for the last week or two and haven't really been able to do anything so it's just kind of been it's been rough.

[Lyle]

How does it how does it nor okay so you said she's done this kind of shit before like how do you normally like i'll ask kind of a different version of the same question like how do you normally respond to it in the past.

[Rocky]

I don't cope well i struggle with my own mental illness i have ptsd and i just kind of shut down and i sit on the couch or lay down and i will won't eat hardly drink and i will just cope by full on anxiety for days you know which isn't healthy but everything i try to do to bring me any bit of happiness just doesn't work i used to make youtube videos to try and kind of bring some joy to my life but unfortunately that didn't pan out so i just kind of moved on to other things and now it just kind of feels like really nothing brings me joy anymore unfortunately.

[Lyle]

What was the last thing that did bring you joy.

[Rocky]

The last.

[Chris]

Thing that did yeah.

[Rocky]

It'S a good question it's been a while man besides you know just seeing a smile on my wife's face it's it's been little things here and there can bring joy i suppose like when the cat comes up to me and starts purring or when i do eventually get into a game that i really enjoy sometimes that'll.

[Lyle]

Bring some joy so you so this has happened a bunch of times like where your wife has kind of like gone off the deep end a little bit and kind of pushed you away and there's been like a breakup and how long does that how long does that typically last for.

[Rocky]

It can last anywhere from a week to about two or three um yeah and how long.

[Lyle]

Has it been you said right now.

[Rocky]

It'S it's been like a week or.

[Lyle]

Two and this then this just happens all the time like she's just always like kind of falling off the deep end and like leaving without a trace and then like what does she like how does it like does she like come back do you go to her like what has this normally been playing.

[Rocky]

Out she does come back but that's kind of well unless i don't reach out or anything which i've tried but again this is kind of the first time she's like completely blocked me on everything so i haven't been able to reach out but it's it's interesting when things are good they're great they're amazing i couldn't be happier yeah and they're not always like this it happens usually around july or christmas time i don't know if it has anything to do with things she's been through in her past but i try to be as accepting as possible you know but when i have my family telling me like hey you know you need to you need to stand up for yourself and all this and my friends telling me like it's your fault for allowing her to use you like this i understand that but at the same time when i married my wife it was like well i married her for a purpose and to for better or worse you.

[Lyle]

Know i get you ma' am oh yeah no i get you yeah i mean that's the that's the secret sauce of the toxic relationships is like it's like fuck when it's good it's like so good and like you know your friends will say this and your family say this but they don't understand it's so fucking good you know but i guess you know also your friends and your family there they have the the the pros and cons you're you're when it comes to a toxic relationship the the perspective of your friends and family have the same exact pros and cons which is that they don't know what you know or rather no not that rather they don't have your perspective so they don't see the good things right but also and they don't see the good things right and you and you you can you can go there and you feel that way and go they understand but they also aren't so emotionally invested in shits that they're completely blind to the drew to the fucking bad things you know and also these are people who really know you and love you and like care about you and they and also like they're not these these they're also always there you know your mom and your friends and your whatever like they're not cutting you off and bringing you back like they're they they're there when you need them i assume i assume you seem like a guy you got you know a good solid support system so these are people you can trust i appreciate it in a way these are people that you that i think you can trust.

[Rocky]

Yeah.

[Lyle]

Do you how come how come it sounds like you're spending a lot of time alone or are you like getting.

[Rocky]

Together with these folks no actually my main friend group kind of cut me off because i had to keep canceling plans because of my wife and then my family well they're busy with other things right now you know i try to get them to spend time with me and stuff but they're often like my dad he works from i think it's like he gets up at one am and then he doesn't go home until like six to seven pm you know my mom's busy with taking care of my nieces and nephews so it's kind of been a struggle there i i don't have transportation my wife took the car so it's kind of been a struggle kind of being at the house alone with all the cats and everything but i appreciate it i just i really reached out really needed someone to talk to and i've tried the crisis lines and stuff and unfortunately they don't really want to sit there and talk with you you know they just want to like get you somewhere.

[Chris]

You.

[Lyle]

Said your friend you said your friends cut you off okay so you're friend so let me so guys your friends cut you off because they were like we don't want to deal with the things going on with your wife and shit and then now that she's gone again are they are they because like because i assume this has happened before where you're like she's gone and then you come back and then now is it like a do they view you as like a boy that cried wolf.

[Rocky]

Kind of a thing exactly and there's really nothing i can do about that you know like if my wife wants to be with me awesome if not i understand um you know but my friends see it a different way they're like well we're kind of tired of dealing with this and you're not dealing with it so we just don't want anything to do with you anymore which i i can't blame them you know if i had a friend that i kept trying to help and they wouldn't help themselves either like it makes sense but again like you said they don't see the same perspective that i have you know.

[Lyle]

They don't but you got to remember the you got to remember the other side of that coin you know you don't see the perspective that they have but i do think it's i do think it's i do i do think it's fucked up for them to completely cut you off i would say real like it's because here's the thing no matter how real your homies are they're gonna get fucking annoyed if you continually like have this back and forth thing but they're gonna they're just they're gonna get annoyed understandably so but if they are real homies which they still could be then they may have that christ like you have not wandered too far such that you cannot come back home kind of a thing but but i think they and that might be true with them but they they're probably like they're probably not ready for you to metaphorically come home unless if you're actually ready to come home with that makes sense i which i don't know we've been talking for thirteen minutes and you're a complex human being so only you can really answer that question and go on that journey to decide if you actually can come home so to speak and not be trapped in this crazy cycle and i don't i don't have a i don't really have good advice for you because i just know it's i empathize with you it's it's a brutal fucking cycle there's a reason why people get trapped in these things i don't i don't i don't if i'll say if it makes you feel any better i don't think you're like a loser or naive or that it's you know your your fault or anything like that i think i think you're trapped in something that's like you know easy and susceptible to get trapped into and i don't think you should wallow in shame or self hatred about it i think you should have a little bit of grace for yourself but also in having grace for yourself like just recognize what you're in and try to not approach it from again like i i don't i i think you're you kind of are susceptible to a thing that's easy to be susceptible for too but you do have to sort of figure out when you want to help yourself and that is a journey that only you can take but i if i could say anything is that i don't think you should go down it from a place of like hating yourself or thinking you're a loser because you wanted human connection and you happened to find it in a an amazing place that happens to people and i hope you're doing i hope you're all.

[Rocky]

Right ma' am i really appreciate that thank you it's been really rough you know aside from that like i've been i think five days ago i stopped smoking pot just because i feel like i got too complacent in life and i wasn't moving forward anymore so i stopped smoking pot struggled with a certain addiction for a little while and like i i completely stopped that cold turkey as well so it's been jacking off yeah so that's the marriage you know.

[Lyle]

You'Re doing all of this without smoking weed and jacking off oh yeah you're like gi joe you're like the fuck you're like chuck norris who are you this is crazy you're got you're going to oh my god have a have a mint or something man yeah go for a walk how do you i don't even know you know i didn't realize i can't believe you're doing all this without jerking off and smoking weed.

[Rocky]

Right.

[Lyle]

I i respect you i really.

[Rocky]

Do thanks lyle i appreciate that and i hope you and everyone has a great christmas and everything you know it's coming up and i'm sure other people are in similar situations and i feel for everyone else as well i'm very.

[Chris]

Empathetic.

[Rocky]

So i understand it can be rough so i just i don't know i feel for everyone and myself you know and just want to say i.

[Lyle]

Appreciate it what what's your name again man my name's rocky rocky rocky rocky i hope i hope you i hope you find your way back man.

[Rocky]

Hey thanks i appreciate that have a good.

[Lyle]

Holiday season and stay strong man hey.

[Rocky]

You too take care rocky all right.

[Lyle]

Bye bye that was rocky yeah i feel for rocket he's a man that's crazy that's like that's a lot oh that's a lot that's a lot of that's a lot of withdrawal that's a that's a lot of withdrawal at once truly i mean i wasn't just by the way i don't like say i don't say i don't mean i try not i really try not to say i don't mean on this show and so i really do think that's a crazy amount that's a crazy amount of withdrawal to take you know not to be not because you're it's like you're trying you're withdrawing from what the oxytocin the addiction of a person and fucking jacking off and smoking weed what's he doing what man what's that what's he doing i fucking feel for that guy i hope santa comes down his chimney and gives him a blowjob or whatever santa does i don't think santa does that i do feel for that guy maybe he's maybe he's jewish maybe he'll get hanukkah maybe hanukkah harry will come down his chimney help him out i think it's time for me to stop talking i think it's time for me to stop talking and end this podcast but i enjoyed doing this this was a lot of fun thank you for listening i'm sorry this episode came out really late it came out really late because i was busy editing finishing up editing the iraq video i just oh yeah yeah if you want to watch i just released a video of me walking around baghdad iraq as a gecko for an hour i'm probably gonna post it on spotify at some point next week so you'll be able to watch it here if you listen to this podcast on spotify but if you don't you can watch it or if you do or or you can also watch it right now on youtube dot com lyle forever maybe i'll put a link in the episode description or something like that but yeah that's why this one came out late i'm gonna try not to do that again i just got i was just fucking up for twenty four hours drinking diet mountain dew and typing subtitles like a crazy person i don't know how i still have energy oh man this is good this is gonna be a bad crash i'm gonna i'm gonna have what i you know you know how some people like they get they drink a lot and they you know some people fucking like they get drunk and and then they like black out and then they don't remember what they said that's what i do except i i i consume a lot of stimulants and coffee and then give intense motivational speeches on the internet and then i'm like what the fuck was i talking about it's fun it's fun okay thank you for listening to this podcast god bless you bye bye.

[Podcast Host]

Decluttering is everything it clears your space your mind and it can give you shopping power with trashy just buy a trashy bag fill it with clothes and shoes you no longer need then ship it free and earn points instantly build your points by shopping exclusive trashy offers and redeem for gift cards to brands you love or donate them to charity it's time to make space for what's next start decluttering today at trashy io that's t r a s h i e i o live fest twenty twenty five is taking over tiktok right now and the hottest creators on your feed are going all out to claim the top spot on tiktok live here's one you can't miss hey guys my name is i design myself and i'm the live.

[Chris]

Match queen in my live i'm bringing energy connection and a whole lot of lit vibes shout out to the top tier queendom they make this more than a stream they make it a movement come join me live at i design myself get in on the action search live fest twenty twenty five on tiktok and back your favorite creators let's celebrate.

[Sophie Cunningham]

Live together this is sophie cunningham from show me something do you know the symptoms of moderate to severe obstructive sleep apnea or osa in adults with obesity they may be happening to you without you knowing if anyone has ever said you snore loudly or if you spend your days fighting off excessive tiredness irritability and concentration issues it may be due to osa osa is a serious condition where your airway partially or completely collapses during sleep which may cause breathing interruptions and oxygen deprivation learn more at don't sleep on osa dot com this information is provided by lily a medicine company.

[IBM/Lenovo Advertiser]

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[Podcast Host]

Ten athletes will face the toughest job interview in fitness that will push past physical and mental breaking points you are the fittest of the fit only one of you will leave here with an ifit contrast check for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars this is where mindset comes in someone will be eliminated pressure is.

[IBM/Lenovo Advertiser]

Coming down trainer games on prime video.

[Lyle]

January eigth watch the trailer on trainergames.

[Podcast Host]

Com this is an iheart podcast guaranteed human.