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Caller Bread
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Host
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Caller Willie
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Host
Hello.
Caller Willie
What's up, Therapy Kego?
Host
Hi. What's your name, good sir?
Caller Willie
My name is Willie. Willie, yes. So w I l l I n Willie.
Host
What's up, Willie? How you doing today?
Caller Willie
Today I'm pretty. Doing pretty well today. Well, not too bad over the. Honestly, a little sluggish, but, you know, Saturdays, not too bad.
Host
How am I feeling today? Am I cool? Am I blessed? I, you know, yeah. I mean, I should be, right? I should be. I think I should be blessed. I'm too. I'm. I think I'm coming to the realization that I've just. I'm just a neurotic guy and I've wondered, I'm like, can I change that about myself? Can I become a different thing than who I am? Or am I just kind of bound? Because I was looking through journals that I'd written, like, seven years ago, and truthfully, the way that my brain operates and the way that the things I've wanted out of life and the way in which I've operated in life have actually remained relatively consistent over the past, like, as long as I've, you know, even been keeping records of those things and even be it be, you know, before the records, I think about, you know, when I was a child and whatnot. And I've always been adventurous and entrepreneurial and deeply neurotic and anxious. And part of me thinks if I've been that way my whole life, I think. I think I might be that way forever. But I don't. I don't know. It's been both a blessing and a curse to me.
Caller Willie
Oh.
Host
And like, you know, I mean, I. I've. I've thought about, like, my life before and after starting this podcast and, you know, I'll read journals from 2019, and, you know, I'm anxious. And I think if you had told me, writing those journals in 2019, that externally, a lot of the things that you're anxious about won't be present. Right? They won't be present. You would think, okay, that's where the anxiety stops. But then I'll read a journal from a week ago and the anxiety is still there. It's. So I think that I might just have this kind of permanent neurotic personality that I would like to learn how to mitigate, but I don't. I don't know if it's possible. I don't know if people just kind of are the way that they are or if they can. I think a lot of things have evolved, but, yeah, it's just been a very consistent way. So that's. That's my answer to how I'm doing and what I'm thinking about. If you wanted the honest answer from.
Caller Willie
Me, hey, I did. Honestly, that was pretty well. Hey, great. Straightforward to the asset. I like that. You know, I am journaling, like, doing the journal thing. I. I don't journal people that tell me to things like that. But him listening, like, I've been listening for you for a while now and, like, hearing people journal as well. And you. Like. I never got the, like, the concept of actually, like, journaling your thoughts out. People. People say it helps things like that, which I see it does for you as well. And I'm like. Like what? Like. Like what type of things that actually want to write in Ukraine? Like, it's like. It's the journal. Is the journal there for. Just for it? Like, for your help? That's it. Write down your thoughts, your. Your. Your fears and your fears and like, that. You know, I never got, like, the grasp of the whole concept is writing it down, you know. Well, don't get me wrong. I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Host
No, no, I was gonna say, I. I mean, I usually. I use my notes app and I just put the date and I just let it rip. And a lot of the times I use it for, like, kind of getting all my thoughts out there. And I also use it for, like, recording events. Like, you know, here's what happens to me and here's how I'm feeling about it, and here's. I also. I slightly believe in manifestation in the sense of, like, what you constantly think about becomes how you act through the world. And how you act through the world kind of, you know, does inform your external reality. So I think there's a little bit of manifestation in there of, like, consistently kind of writing down the things that you want and the directions that you want to go down. I mean, have you ever. Have you ever tried sitting down to journal?
Caller Willie
Yeah, I did. Yeah, I tried it. I tried every. I try, like, every once in a while, you know, when things become, like, a little bit overwhelming in my life and stuff like that and, like, helps. But at the same time, I'm like, I'm. I'm like. I feel like I'm Just right back where I was at first when I got done, when I. Before I just written down stuff like that.
Host
Yes.
Caller Willie
But then again, like on the backhand, it still works. You know, it helps a little bit. A little bit. Not too much, but a little bit.
Host
What, what you're, what you're describing is my general frustration with both therapy and journaling, which is like, great, I talked about all this, but, you know, I'm still here, you know.
Caller Willie
Right. Yeah, yeah.
Host
So I understand, I understand that frustration, but I think it's been better. I'm glad I did it. It helps me, especially because I've done it over like a long period of time. I can kind of recognize patterns. And also you, I think you kind of tend to look at life through rose colored glasses or, you know, look at. Yeah, look at, like previous times in your life. When you journal. You get to see every. You get to see your life for what it really is. Because I can go, I can think, oh, maybe a year ago I was doing this. I was happy. I was feeling this way. But then you go back and you read the journal, you're like, well, actually in that very moment, I was. I was feeling not as good as I look back upon the memory. And also works differently. You know, you can. You can look back at like times, you're like, oh, that sucked. But then be like, oh, maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was because I have the. The actual recording of my emotions in that period of time.
Caller Willie
See that? So now. So now. Now. So now he got me thinking now. So now. Yeah, he got me thinking now. Right. I'm gonna go back on my. On my computer and see what, like I had a couple. I say a year. I'm sorry, A year or two ago, you know, he got me thinking about that I might do that. I don't know, but like, because two years ago or a year ago, I was like, I probably, you know, but yeah, get me thinking about that, man.
Host
Will. Willie, let me ask you something.
Caller Willie
Yeah.
Host
I know I've been kind of rambling and using this podcast for therapy, which is a funny thing to do, but is there anything in particular that you called in to want to talk about today? If not, it's cool, we can just shoot the shit.
Caller Willie
Okay. When I first tried to call you the first time, like everyone else on this, on this platform or, you know, I was what. I was going through a rough patch in my life at that point, which is. Which I'm still is. But. Well, I'm not Well, not really, but kind of, you know, and I was trying to call them, you know, just get some not feedback or. Well, feedback or just like some clarification like that or just let that out, you know. You know, now I'm doing pretty okay. And when I say pretty okay, I mean like health wise, you know. No, no, yeah, just health wise. I'm say that just help stuff like that. Because two years ago I was. Two years ago I had got diagnosed with ild and ILD is a instrument, I can't even say the word correctly. Interstitial lung disease, which I believe it would. I believe it. I believe it will runs it. I believe it would run in my family because my sister had it and she had got a transplant and now she's doing okay with it without oxygen. But now I have it and I'm on oxygen at this moment 24 7. And that was. And I got diagnosed with that what, two years ago. I say a year ago. Yeah, a year ago. Now I'm spilled on it, which is kind of wild to me because it had progressed to where it's like. And like, like in like, like irreversible. And I'm like, what the. I thought I was doing everything I was thought. I thought I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, you know, but look like I wasn't. So now I'm. So now I'm here. I'm not disease, probably Arthritis, blood clot and. And blood. A blood clot in the lungs. Like what the is going on here then, then diabetes on top of that. I ain't have it at first, but when I left the hospital, I'm on that crazy as then. Now I'm just sitting here, you know. You know, just chilling, trying to see what's going on. No, I'm doing a little bit exercises every once in a while with the lungs, going to therapy, going to physical therapy, not going to therapy therapy, but like, you know, primary therapy type. You feel me? And. But. But at this moment I'm doing pretty okay. And like. But it like it can be draining. It can be draining like just mentally, like emotionally and like that. Because you'll see all these stories about people, you know, recovering then don't recovering and stuff like that. And like they'd be like, oh, it's five years to live. I'm like, how the is five years to live? And I was like, he got 10 years under belt with this whole thing. I'm just chilling. I'm like, oh, okay, cool, whatever. Now I just found this woman On Instagram, where, you know, she's doing. She's doing pretty well. She's on option. She had the same. She had the same thing I have, but like a bit. Probably a little bit more probably. But she's off her pills and stuff like that. I'm like, oh, okay. But she's still on oxygen, and she's on a list for a lung transplant, which they have suggested that to me. And I'm like, I don't want to do that. Even though it. I. I've seen the effects. Which is. The effects is okay. You know, the whole thing with it. It's okay. It's just the fact that I have to, like to go through a certain period aware someone have to cut me open. Trip. Put a whole new set of lungs in me, and you feel me. I have to rebreathe again, which I'm trying to rebreathe now, which is crazy to me.
Host
You're learning. You're learning how to re. Breathe.
Caller Willie
Basically. Yeah. So it's like, okay, so you know how you. Like, you won't even know it, but you do it. Like you walking and talking. Yeah, yeah. Like, you walk in and talking and don't pay no math to it. Right, Right. You know, when. When you walk in, he's like, okay, it ain't nothing. But with, like, with me, I have to. I have to constantly focus on breathing, basically. Not like, constantly, but, like, I have to, like, basically take take steps a little bit slower than usual. People take it. You know, because at one point, you'll be. One point you'll be just chilling. You're going to be. At one point, you'll be just chilling, walking, just strolling along. Next thing you know, your oxygen dropped to, like, 80. Damn, that's 75. I don't. I don't even want to go that far. I'm gonna say 85. You know, oxygen drop to 80, 85. You won't even know it, but you could feel your heart rate. And. And you have. Then. Then you can hear like, yo, bro, breathing mad heavy and stuff like that. Then you start feeling lightheaded. I'm like, what is going on? So. So that's like that. You know, some, like, people with, you know, lungs that has, like, full capacity of 95, you know, it's okay. Even. Even when they talking, they had a 95. So I'm like, all right, cool. I understand that part. Then, like, then they. Then they put you in. Well, the partners everywhere. You could build your lungs back up, basically. Build your lungs back up, you know, which they consist of prayer, meal, walking, biking. Let's see, breathing in and out, you know, doing exercises, like doing breathing exercises on. Just on your leg. Just like sitting up straight, work and leaning side to side. Breathing, like over your. Over the arm type, you know, Breathing like. Like they try to open like your lungs up a little bit more. Like stretch it. Like stretch your chest, basically. So like that's what, like, you know, trying to breathe again. That's. That's what I mean, basically. And now I'm doing pretty good.
Host
Good.
Caller Willie
You know, it's a true struggle.
Host
Yeah, that sounds crazy. Learning how to breathe, you know, it's crazy how many things we just do that we don't even like, think about, you know?
Caller Willie
Right. You know, it's kind of wild to me because at first, you know, I was like partying, you know, smoking, drinking. All this stuff I drink every once in a while. But not like, you know, heavy like I was before, you know, when I said I was drinking, I was drinking heavy. God damn. What were you born an alcoholic?
Host
What were you doing when you were partying?
Caller Willie
Like, hey, not okay. Okay, Not. Not too crazy. Just like we a little bit posh every once in a while type of. When I say posh, I mean like the E. Cigarettes and like that, you know, tequila, all that. I want. Like, I wasn't doing. No, no crack cocaine, o', Herring, no psychedelic, which I want. Well, I did once before. I did a psychedelics one before, but I know people after that, so. Cool. I don't want to do it.
Host
So, Willie, let me ask. Well, let me ask you a few things.
Caller Willie
Okay.
Host
Are you. Are you still partying at all? Like, what's your. I. Actually here's what I wanted to ask you is like, who are you, Willie? What's your. What's your. What's your life like? Where do you. What do you do? Well, what part of. What part of town do you live in? You know, what's. What's a day in Willy's life.
Caller Willie
Okay. Okay. Based. Real life. Okay. What I do right now, currently unemployed, you know, talking to government, if you ask me. I am. And I'm trying to. Well, I'm trying to edit videos and for YouTube, which I. I go off and on with that on a daily basis. On a daily basis. Try to screen. Try to stream on Twitch and stuff like that. And I'm like. I'm trying to get back into it, but I. I go away for a couple of days for a couple months. What do you.
Host
What do you make what do you make videos about?
Caller Willie
Basically, like just, you know, gaming. Gaming videos like Overwatch, you know, Call of Duty, Valerant, you know, all like type, like, type shooting games, new games I just, just, just played. It's called, uh, Shadow of War. It's like a. What's the main game? It's like a lord. Oh, yes. It's like the Lord of the Rings game. It's like that, but it's not that. But it still had the same concept of that, you know. It's called Shadows of War. Pretty good. It came out on a PS4, but I have it on the PS5 and I'm kind of loving it right now. So it's like, it's like a one player game. No single player game. Pretty fucking nice. Loving it. I'm playing that not daily no more because I kind of reach, I kind of reach a level where I want to be at the control courts and like that. So I'm loving it. Yeah.
Host
Okay, go ahead.
Caller Willie
Yeah, yeah. So if I ain't doing that, I'm basically taking walks. Taking walks every once in a while. Going through, going to like tele. Doctor's appointments and like that, right? For like. Yeah, for my lungs. Yeah, for, yeah, for, for auto, Autoimmune immune disease. I probably have that too, but they ain't coming around to that. They still trying to figure out what the. This little is, so, you know, boom. If I ain't doing that, going to doctor's appointments and stuff like that. Enough chilling, partying, I ain't doing too much of that. I'm just chilling at home and in. Yeah, chilling at home in Chicago, you know, trying to see what the next step is for me. What the best bet, what. Yeah, what's the best bet I could do for myself? My lungs.
Host
So what is, what is that? What is that pondering? Where has it led you? What is the best bet for you.
Caller Willie
That'S bad right now? I feel that just like, honestly, I'm gonna say let it be. Like the best bet right now for me is just go with the flow. Like sit still. Don't do like, don't, don't do too much, but do enough where you're not miserable, you know, you're not depressed, you're not sad type, you know, Don't. Yeah. Don't wait for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's for me, you know, I can't, I can, I'm sorry. I can't just sit now and just not do nothing anymore. Right? At first I did, at first I did that. Don't get me wrong, I was, I was hella depressed. I'm talking about when I say hella depressed, I mean hella depressed. Yeah. Like, I ain't like, I want to say not shower. I'll be like, I take a shower every once, like once, once a week type, you know. Don't sit in my room. I don't sit in my room no more. I'm like, I'm out. I'm trying to get out. Trying to get out about. Even when I have a fat ass oxygen tank, I'm trying to get out and about, you know, I'm trying to keep it moving, you know, because right now, like at first it was, it was like, it was, it was when I found out that news, I was, I was hella sad, you know, I couldn't do nothing no more. I couldn't eat the food that I want to eat no more. Well, I could, but it goes, it goes kind of leads down to the up problems. But yeah, I can't do that no more. Which I still do a little bit, but not too much. I have a. I have a bug ball every once in a while. Not too much, but, you know, a little bit. You know, I'm just like, like going with the flow. Talking about, sure, you know, and down the line, I am gonna need a. They said I'm gonna need a lung transfer.
Host
You need a lung? Yeah.
Caller Willie
So I'm like, I don't want it, but if it has to, I'll come down to it. And I'm like only 27, right?
Host
Yeah.
Caller Willie
And I still. And I see a lot of people come in and out of like, of the, of the rehab center, you know, or primary center, I guess, for your launcher like that. I see a lot of people come out of there. You know, they look. Hey, don't get me wrong, they look, they look pretty cool. They look okay. They look happy. They up and they moving. I see somebody, I see people in wheelchairs. That's not moving at all. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like, they still like us now. They still. I'm like, what the. I gotta be sad for right now? Why the. Like, like, I can't. I can't do. I can't do nothing else but wait, you know, if. And get worse than what I'm doing. God damn. I can't do nothing but take my medicine, keep it moving. And that's all, you know, I have because I had to figure that out for a while. And like, people was asking me, oh, where you at, Willie? I haven't seen you in a while. You don't come around no more. Or like, damn, well, you don't come. You don't come hang out with us no more. You don't drink with us no more. Why is that, man? Oh, Willie, I ain't seen you on that game no more. Like, because, man, I'm trying to, like, I'll be gone for, like I say, six months tops, and trying to get my. I'm trying to. I'm trying to wrap my head a lot of. Like. Like, just trying to wrap my head a lot of rounds. Like, a lot of. You know. And like. And some people understand it, some people don't. Don't get me wrong. But at the same time, like, when I feel like when life hit you and like that, I just. You have. I feel like people. You have to step away and reevaluate yourself for a bit, because that's. And that's what I did, you know, I still. I still step away, too. I still step away from time to time, but I. Because at times, you know, it do get hard. It do. But. But at the same time, yo, what.
Host
Really?
Caller Willie
I've been on.
Host
No, no, it's like, I was. Well, I. Listen, Willie, I was going to say I appreciate you sharing all this with us. You know, it's definitely, you know, an inspiring thing to fucking keep going after all, you know, after having to learn how to re. Breathe. I will. I'll say this, man, before we go, do you want to give a plug out to your. To your YouTube or to your Twitch?
Caller Willie
Yes, my Twitch is Wilster TV. W I L L I S T E R. No, my bad. W I L L S T E R. Capital T, V underscore on Twitch.
Host
Yeah. Here we go. I got you your Wilster tv. Oh, this is your Twitter. Let's see what's going on on your Twitter. I don't know why. I'm just. I'm scrolling through Twitter now.
Caller Willie
I got wild things on Twitter. I'm gonna be cool about that.
Host
You got some wild things on Twitter. It's not that wild. Right here. I'm on your. Yeah, look, I'm on your. I'm on your YouTube right now while you're playing Overwatch. I've never played Overwatch. Never played it. I'm not a big. I'm not a big. Like, I don't. I don't play, like, online multiplayer games, except, like, I play Melee on Slippy, but that's it. I don't really play, like, Fortnite or Overwatch. Or anything, but. Okay, I'll give you a follow. I'll give you a follow on the twitch in case. If you're ever live, when I'm live, we'll give you a raid. Let's see.
Caller Willie
Oh, man, that's awesome.
Host
Very cool, man.
Caller Willie
Very cool.
Host
Well, shit, will TV underscore, Man? I appreciate you sharing your story with us. Is there, Is there anything else you want to say to the people before we get out of here?
Caller Willie
Oh, yes. My slogan as always, stay blessed, stay the best girlfriends. I hope y' all go to rest. You feel me?
Host
Beautiful. Take care, Willie. Thanks for calling.
Caller Willie
Oh, yes, man. Thank you.
Host
That was Willie. He's a nice guy. Plays Call of Duty. I'm inspired by that story. Seems like he tries to keep it a buck, you know, it's hard. Life's hard. Ah, man. Everything, every time. You know what, man? You know what? I, I, I, honestly, the more I do this show or, like, interview people or, like, go out and do things, I'm like, I don't know. The more I think, I think it's. I think it's good to know. Is that, is that bad? If my conclusion from this show is that it's actually good to know less things, I think it might be good to know less stuff. It's an option. I think the more stuff, you know, you, you get expanded to the world, and that's maybe healthy. I think if you only. I think, you know what? I take it back. If you only get to live once, which I think you do, I would rather get to know more about the world around me and the people in it. Even if it's on, even if the process of doing that and the truths revealed in doing that are uncomfortable. I think I'd rather do that than live ignorant to those things. And I'll hold true to that. If I, you know, if I. 80 years old, if I'm lucky enough, who knows? God damn, I'll look back and I'll be like, I'm glad I sought rather than, you know, stayed put and didn't seek anything. I, I don't know. That's. I, that's tangentially related to the conversation that we just had, at least in my own brain, but that's how I feel.
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Caller Tyler
Call from.
Host
Hello?
Caller Bread
Hello? Hey, can you hear me?
Host
Yes. Hi. What's your name?
Caller Bread
Great. Hi. I don't want to use my real name, so let's make up one. Let's say, I don't know, bread or something.
Host
Cool. Bread. What's up? How's life?
Caller Bread
You know, not great. If I'm. If I'm being honest, I've been wanting to talk to you forever, so it's kind of crazy. So let me, like, I don't know, relax for a bit.
Host
Well, listen, let's talk about it. If you want to, I guess. Why not? Let's do it.
Caller Bread
Okay. The thing is, it's like my life isn't hard. I think I'm going through a similar thing as you with the existentialism and stuff.
Host
Sure, sure.
Caller Bread
Yeah. I mean, you've been alive longer than I have and it's like just through listening to you, it just seems like you're still. I don't know when this started for you, but I. I don't know. I don't know how long it's gonna go on for or like how what you're doing to manage it. Like I've heard it's just been like searching stuff on the Internet and that's all I'm doing. But I don't feel like it's helping. Right.
Host
Well, what. I mean, what is it.
Caller Bread
This existentialism? I don't know, like, just not feeling like there's any direction or meaning, if that makes sense to life.
Host
Yeah.
Caller Bread
And that you're gonna die and it's not gonna matter. It's like, yeah, you've heard all about the absurdism or whatever where it's like, you make up your own meaning, live this fight. But I don't know, a part of me just doesn't want to take that, I guess, and that's my problem.
Host
Well. Well, I'll tell you a few things. So, yeah, you know, I went through a really, really, really tough period of time with existentialism for about, I would say February, March, April, May. So it's about four months where it's really bad. It was really, really bad for four months. And then now, you know, I mean, I, I. Existential questions pop up in my head. But, like, I mean, there was four months where it's really, like, incapacitating my ability to fucking do anything. And it was bad. But after those four months, I mean, now I still have existential thoughts and feelings that, you know, I think about all the time, you know, But I have found ways to mitigate it. And I can, I can tell you ways I found to mitigate it. I intentionally figured out different ways to put myself around other people and have a place to go every day. I gave myself a mission or an objective of a thing I want to pursue. I've been accepting that the certain existential questions are beyond me and occupying my brain with them is not. I mean, it feels like something inside of your control when you're in the thick of it, but, you know, they're beyond, they're beyond you. You're never gonna figure them out. And it's just, it's not fun to just stay in them. And so, you know, you leave them be. But I mean, everyone's brain is kind of different. I mean, you know, I've been taken Vyvanse. That helps, but just I think continuing to pursue some kind of meaning or purpose. And that's, that's, that's, I think, at least what's helped me. I mean, do you have, do you have any, any kind of purpose or meaning or direction or anything at all that you vaguely want to do?
Caller Bread
I mean, finding meaning to cure existentialism, like, they're kind of interlocked, right. Like, if you're gonna try to define what meaning is to you and like, what you want to do with your one Life, then it's kind of like. It kind of brings you back, if that makes sense. Like, if I had to sit down and be like, okay, what am I gonna do with my life? And it's like, I need meaning to distract me from this, from all this thinking about life, you know? But then it's. You can't help but think, like, once you define it, is this meaningful? Is this worth my time? And it should be unquestionably worth your time whenever. But, like, sorry, my thoughts are really going.
Host
It should be unquestionably worth your time because the time is so valuable.
Caller Bread
Yeah, yeah, if you value life, sure.
Host
But. But also. But also that. That what you just said, saying it must unquestionably be worth your time is an important thing to scrutinize. It's really important. It's ri. What's your name? Bread. It's really, really important to scrutinize what you just said because unquestionably. So I'm faced with the fact that I only have one life and my time is extremely valuable. And it's a precious, precious, precious thing, this one life. And thus, because it's such a precious thing, I must do something that is unquestionably the correct thing to do with my life. That's what you're saying.
Caller Bread
Yeah, and.
Host
Yes, and. And existentialism gives you that, but there's a lot. There's a lot of things wrong. And by the way, I. I live that. I live that all the time, and I think about that all the time. And it's one of the things that I think leaves me in a lot of paralysis and is a negative thing because that doesn't exist. And it doesn't exist. It won't exist for you. It won't exist for anyone because nobody will do it perfectly. Life is error correction. And so you're just inevitably going to make errors and you will never, ever, ever live the perfect life.
John Fry
Maybe a.
Host
You know what? Fucking maybe somebody out there, maybe a large amount of people out there, look back at their life and they. And they just did it perfectly, you know, and good for them if that happened to them and everything was perfect. But the vast majority of people, 99.99% of people, I mean, nobody, Nobody does it perfectly. To say that you're gonna do the unquote unquestionably correct thing is insane. And so just do things, you know, so, like the paralyzing yourself with. Trying to find the most perfect, amazing thing to do with your. With your life, it's paralyzing. It's ridiculous. So to just instead go, well, what would be some worthwhile things to do with my life? And that's how I've approached a lot of my life. And so look, I'm talking. I'm spending part of my finite life talking to you right now about this subject. And is this the. Is this. Am I. Am I. Is this without question, the perfect thing to be doing with my time right now? Of course not. Nothing's without question. But can I look at this conversation and can I look at making this podcast and can I look at talking to you? Even if just. Even if having this conversation is a remote help to you or to me or to anyone listening, can I look back at it and go, you know what? Whether or not that was the perfect thing to do with my life, it was worthwhile to do, the answer is yes. You know, if I call my mom on the phone this morning, was that. Was that the optimal thing to be doing with my life? I don't. I don't know. But was it worthwhile to talk to my fucking mom? Yeah, of course it was. You know, if I go on a walk for four hours and I look at trees and I. And I eat a sandwich and I drink water, was it unquestionably the most optimized thing to do with my life? I don't. I don't know. But was it a worthwhile thing to do? Of course it was. It's just walking around, you know, so, like, just think about the things that would just simply be worthwhile, and then that way you can at least look back at your life and look back at how you spent your time, and go, I did things that were worthwhile, and they kept me in the moment, and I'm proud of how I spent my time. And by the way, even if you get trapped in crazy dopamine loops, which everyone does, I'm living proof of, like. I mean, you have no idea how much time I've spent, you know, on checking emails for no reason. No. Just searching for dopamine porn or Instagram reels or eating food or. I have. I have so, so, so much time of my life that I've dedicated to that, but I still am able to look back at my life proud because, you know, I had enough time to. To do that, but I also made friends, and I also went on a lot of good walks, and I got to travel, and I got to have worthwhile conversations, and I got to do things that were full of meaning. And it was. And of course it wasn't perfect because I spent. I mean, fucking today before I started streaming, making this podcast. I probably, you know, spent four hours just, like, dicking around. Just dicking around. But at least these. Look, these 10 minutes that we're talking right now, I'll remember it. So if I. If I, at least within my own ability and within my own energy, do things that are kind of worthwhile, I'll be able to look at my life and be proud of it. But this thing you're talking about, this unquestionable, it makes perfect sense. The conclusion that you're coming to, the way you got here makes perfect sense again. I know that because I've got cotton to that logical conclusion myself. That because life is so finite and precious, everything, every part of it has to be optimized. But that's not realistic. And if you try to live that way, you'll just spiral infinitely. So just do things that are worthwhile and lower your bar for what's worthwhile. You know, I mean, do the big things, if you want. Go travel and make the art you want to make or have the connections you want to make, but also the small. Like what I watched this morning. I watched the YouTube video about the old Hanna Barbera ride at Universal Studios. Whatever. That's what I did with that finite amount of time in my life. I don't. I'm not. I don't. I don't. I don't regret it. I bought the. The. The Switch. I played the new Donkey Kong game. I don't regret it. You know what? Fuck it. I don't regret the seven times I checked my fucking email this morning. Why would I regret it? Who cares? You know, just don't. It's too much pressure. It's too much pressure to have those regrets and to. So just. Just do. Do worthwhile things. Try not to beat yourself up too much and, you know, lower your bar for what's worthwhile. It's not what. It's. It's. It's funny because when you start thinking about it a lot, it becomes a lot of pressure. And then you start thinking about it even more and you start thinking about it in a different direction, and it actually becomes a lot less pressure. So that's what I got. That's my long rant.
Caller Bread
No. Yeah. Thank you for that. I think. Definitely the perfectionist paralysis, whatever, is definitely just a pattern within a lot of people. It seems like people, like, there's a certain type of person who just doesn't care and does things, and they end up getting a Lot more accomplished.
Host
Totally.
Caller Bread
Yeah. It's something I should reference though, what you say about doing worthwhile things. It's the fact that there could be something good you could be doing or not. There's like, it's all like a spectrum or a scale or whatever. It doesn't matter if you do like the lowest or below. But the fact that there's some kind of value there, there's some value of good or bad, even though you can repeat to yourself doesn't matter. It's. That itself can also be paralyzing is another secondary layer of perfectionism. I feel it's like, okay, yeah, I can't be perfect, perfect. But here's this thing closest to perfection possible. Even if it's by objective standards, not perfect or even good to you, it's the best you could do, which is perfect. I don't know if that makes sense.
Host
It does, it does make sense. But the. You're taking a thing that's in some ways subjective and, and I guess making it kind of objective. I mean, like. Well, so far. Let me. So, for example, right? I mean like in your life, how is the paralysis playing out? Like what are the. What are the opt. What are the things? I know, I understand the general paralysis of trying to optimize your life. Right. But if we got a little bit more into the weeds and we were, and we come back that when we come back down to earth, where. How's that paralysis play out like, you know, in your day to day life?
Caller Bread
I guess. Constant procrastination. So I'm gonna be graduating from college soon and I'm not planning out anything at all. I don't know anything about anything. I tell myself I should be studying. I could always be doing something to improve my situation. There's. Yeah, whatever. Like it's just up to me. I just do it and I'll feel better too. And I know that, but for some reason it's just such a daunting thing. And it's honestly what you talked about, like the dopamine loops. It's probably just that. It's probably just a biological thing and not like maybe this existential big question thing. It kind of sucks.
Host
I understand why. I know. I understand why that sucks. Yeah, it is, it is a biological thing. I don't know anything about biology, but I. The more I. I don't know anything about psychology, but the more I learn about it, the more I realize that a lot of things I think are existential are just like my human brain behaving the way that human brains behave. But there's also still, there's still a lot of questions I have about human brains. Like personality is a weird thing to me. Like why do. So why are certain people so good at not procrastinating and others are? I don't fucking know. But I mean, what are you procrastinating on? Like when you say, when you, when you say, oh, I should be studying, like, studying what?
Caller Bread
Funnily enough, like psychology. So I said apply to my psychology degree. It's actually like, like to declare my major. I mean, and it's coming up pretty soon, the deadline and I'm, I'm perfectly qualified. I know exactly like, like I just need to type whatever out and then they'll probably accept me more than likely. And despite that, it's just like I, I don't know, it's just like I, I could just put it off. Why sit here and do it when I don't have to? I guess it's because I have to write like a personal statement. It's like 250 words. It's pretty simple. They'll take whatever chat GPT, you know, like paragraph. But it's. I don't want to do that. I actually want to put in work into it, even if they don't care. Also yeah, I, I don't want to put in the work because it's not going to be quote, quote perfect. I think it's my mindset.
Host
What do you, what do you like care about?
Caller Bread
I don't know, man. I guess having a. I don't know, I don't know, like just feeling fulfilled.
Host
Do you honestly feel like you don't know or do you. Can you find something within yourself that you actually do care about?
Caller Bread
I think I could, but I think I don't trust my brain enough because it's, I mean, done this to me first of all. And I like, we're all. I've. I've gotten this completely off of Tick tock and whatever, but it's just like we're very influenced and I'm not sure if my desires are truly my desires and you know, the whole idea.
Host
So go ahead.
Caller Bread
Once you achieve your dream, it's actually not as great as you thought it would be. And of course once you become a doctor or whatever, you'll actually kind of suffer. It's just like I don't know what to pick then.
Host
Yeah, also be very, I'm. Dude, be very, very, very careful with Tik Tok because I'm sure that your Tik Tok is feeding you like Alan Watts and like, people being like, when I was, you know, things I. Things I wish I knew at 20, when I was 30. And like, is that your algorithm? Is that your feed?
Caller Bread
Kind of.
Host
Yeah, yeah, my. My feed does that to me too. And like, dude, be careful with that. I've deleted TikTok because, like, you now because. Because you're already going through all this existential and Tick tock is gonna like, feed into it, you know, like, it just does that.
Caller Bread
Yeah, no, I totally get. It's like it's our first time living, right? And so you're like, oh, this person's older than me or more successful, so let's listen to them. But they could say whatever, and it could like, turn out not so great, but you'll still not know or have the experience to, you know, spot it out until it's, I don't know, a bit too late or.
Host
So there's that. But it also, whether or not like, the. The advice is good or not, it's more just about like the, the state of mind. Because, like, my understanding is that you're bothered right now because your brain is in an existential state of mind like all the time. And that's really uncomfor. And when you go on tick tock and your whole feed is existential, it reinforces the state of mind. Dude, I was, I like, I. I saw. I was, I was, I was dating this person and I. My brain was again, in an existential mood and like all of my tick tock comes up as is like, is the feed I just described. It's like when you're. How to know like, whatever, like things I wish I knew at 20, when I was 30 and I was watching this person I was dating, like, scroll through her Tick tock. And it came on one of those videos and I was like, oh, that's what I'm naturally interested in. And she just scrolled right past it. And then all of the videos on her feed were like, like, you know, like dogs and you know what I mean? Like things that nothing. Like dogs are like skin care, you know, and it was like just a. That had nothing to do with this. And I'm like, oh, that's why, you know, that it was an interesting observation. It was like, oh, what do you mean? My brain does not have to be in this state all the time, you know, like, because you, you. You get a little existential, then you go on the Internet and then YouTube starts feeding you all this guru shit and TikTok starts feeding you all this guru shit. And before you know it, before you know it, it becomes the world you live in, you know, and you don't, and it's uncomfortable, and you go out with other people and you meet and you're. Realize that not everyone lives in this world of existentialism that you live in. And you're like, damn, I got to stop programming myself. It's hard. I get. I get that it's a whole thing where it's like, once you see it, you can unsee it, but I. It's manageable, you know, that's. I would say that. I don't know if I'm as a tangent, but.
Caller Bread
Yeah, no, I get that. Yeah. I got to ask. I personally observe it in myself. But I don't know if you feel like, a sense of pride, almost like, oh, my gosh, I've been chosen to look at life in the face for its deepest whatever, and I'm special. Like, deep. Like, you don't want to say that or. But I can feel it's sort of what's going on with me, to sustain myself in this.
Host
Let me think about that for a second. Let me think about that for a second, because that I. Have you been chosen? I've. I have a lot of. I have a lot of thoughts about that. Well, what is. I mean, what does that mean to you?
Caller Bread
Like, not chosen? It was kind of.
Host
No, I. I know. I know. I know. No, no, no, I know what you. I know what you mean, though.
Caller Bread
Huh. I guess it's just like. Like you said, you can't unsee what you've seen. And then it's. It's like you realize other people around you, seemingly, because you're not them, seemingly, are just kind of, like, vain or, like, invested in this. In, like, worldly things, whatever, or they don't really think about what they're doing. But I'm over here, you know, like, really contemplating what's important. And once I get it, I know I'll be greater or whatever.
Caller Willie
It's.
Caller Bread
I feel like that's a underlying voice that underlies at least my socialism.
Host
Yeah. So. Okay, here's a little thing about that voice. I've had that voice. Yeah. Where it's like, not, not, not, not. I'm the chosen one, but, like, I see life for what it is because I've had this existential crisis, and everyone else is just going through the motions and whatnot, and it's dangerous for a few reasons. Okay. So there's a bell curve, I think, with this do you know. You know the bell curve meme?
Caller Bread
Yeah.
Host
Where it's like, okay, so there's a bell curve. So I think I talked about this on here before, but I'll do it again. There's a bell curve meme where. Okay, so at the very left side of the bell curve, you have, like, dumb Wojack. And dumb wojack is like, you know, herder. I just do things that I like and have a chill time. Right. And then in the middle of the bell curve, that's where you are right now, is life must be optimized because it is so precious, and we cannot allow ourselves to, you know, live in ignorant bliss. Because I have seen life for what it is, and I must make the most optimal choices because I have to do that in service of the deep preciousness of life that I've come to understand, you know, and that's. That's crying freaking out wojack. And then on the right side of the bell curve is enlightened Wojak with the hood up, and he's like, I just do things that I like. And I think about. I used to think about my. My. My mom and my stepdad without fail, every single night. They eats, they make salmon, and they watch Jeopardy. And growing up, I would think, like, man, that's crazy. How are you gonna spend your whole life just eating salmon and watching Jeopardy? You know, like, isn't there. Isn't there more to be ascertained or achieved or whatever? Whatever? And then kind of, as you close a bit of a loop on an existential crisis, you realize, like, oh, they had it right all along. You know, like, they're the every. Every nothing. They.
Caller Willie
The.
Host
The. The breadth of human experience and the amazing ascension that I'm thinking I'm going to achieve as a result of quote, unquote, seeing life for what it is. They don't need to do all that because all of that is found within eating salmon and watching Jeopardy. Like, it was all right there, you know?
Caller Bread
Right.
Host
So I don't. I don't need to. There's no ascension. I don't think there ever will be an ascension. There's just mitigating things and dealing with them. I think that's how I feel on this. On this journey right now, is I. I have. I've always had this faith that one day I will have some form of ascension. Not in, like, a religious way, but, like, ascending beyond this kind of, like, inherent discomfort. But maybe I will. There's still a lot of factors left, but I've achieved a lot of things in my life that I thought would bring me to that ascension and they haven't yet. But I still, there's a lot of other things that I still have on my list before I've ascended, but I don't, you know, if the other things that I thought would bring me to some form of ascension didn't bring me there, then I don't think this will either. But who knows, man? I, you know, there's things I haven't tried. I still, I still in my heart of heart believe that I'll, you know, to me, you know, ascension to me feels like having a strong state of well being day to day. That's what it feels like to me. You don't ever like, you don't like, become God or some shit, you know, but yeah, that's my experience with that feeling you're talking about.
Caller Bread
Mmm, I see. Have you, have you heard of self realization? That concept of like.
Host
No. What is that?
Caller Bread
I mean, I don't know. I don't know that much about it. I've just heard it from someone. Apparently. It's, it's kind of like enlightenment in Buddhism or whatever. It's like where you can reach a state of just nearly just not being neurotic anymore, not ever facing like anger or any negative emotion of any sort. And you're just kind of like living like an animal because like they're just living on instinct. Right? It's realizing the error of self image or whatever. I don't know that much about it myself. But that's a state that you apparently can reach.
Host
Yeah, for where I'm at right now, I'm kind of like, I mean, like I was talking to the guy before about, you know, I'm neurotic and I'm always gonna deal with crap. And I honestly think part of, honestly think part of the ascension is just accepting that, Accepting that, accepting the like. Instead of trying to imagine a world where I never have any problems, I never have any negative emotions, I never have fear or anxiety. I just, I just take it in as part of life and I, and I accept my imperfections and I accept the uncertainty. That's where I think the peace is found. I don't think the peace is found in some kind of state where I don't experience those things, but rather a state where I integrate them and accept them. And I feel, I almost feel honored to be alive to have them.
Caller Bread
I see. I, I guess in a way it's, it's like definitely not enjoyable to experience, you know, the consequences of being neurotic, but it's like, I'm sure afterward, it's kind of like, oh, it's kind of, you know, nice being alive. It's. It's like you're able to feel. But also, I like, your whole life is kind of following the pursuit of not feeling these things as little, like, as much as possible.
Host
Right, right. But then once. But once you accept. Right. But once you accept it, you're like, is. Is paradoxically, when you find some peace.
Caller Bread
Let me see. Accept it, like. Except that it's always gonna be there, but still try to minimize it.
Host
Something like that, probably.
Caller Bread
Okay. I mean. Yeah. Yeah. I can't put this pressure on you.
Host
No. Yeah, I don't feel. I don't feel. No, I don't. Yeah, I don't feel any pressure at all. I'm just. This has just been my experience. I mean, it's still. I'm still working it out. That's why I'm able to sound like I have any kind of authority on the subject is, you know, just a lot work, continuing to work it out. But I don't. I'm, you know, I'm trying to find my. You just keep working. Just keep working and try not to go insane. That's what I would say.
Caller Bread
Got it.
Host
Bread?
Caller Bread
Yes.
Host
Wait, sorry, you wanted to say something?
Caller Bread
I just wanted to ask about, like, how you're direct, how you're directing your life, I guess, like, how do you start this podcast? Like, what motivated you to. And then what are you following? I guess what are the big meaningful things that led you here and continuing to.
Host
This podcast truly started as an accident.
Caller Bread
Okay.
Host
Be well. I've always done stuff, and I've always around on the Internet and made movies, and I did stand up for a while. And this podcast started as an act, truly, as an accident that kind of. I was able to turn into a thing. And I've been doing it for five years now. And I think now my. Now my big, like, direction and focus is gonna be on making. Making little documentaries. Like, I made my Tijuana documentary, I made my Japan documentary. I've got two other little docu videos in the works, and those are those. Those videos are what interest me right now. So I'm gonna keep trying to make those videos of, like, you know, traveling and interviewing people. And, you know, that feels like a very worthwhile use of my time. And I'm gonna keep trying to put on little fun things that bring people together and try to enjoy my life and make good work and do do things that feel worthwhile to me. That's been my kind of North Star over the. Over the year.
Caller Bread
Solid. Sounds good. I hope it all goes well.
Host
I hope so, too, man. I hope so, too.
Caller Bread
I'm sure it will. Like, you already got this podcast. It's basically the same thing, I feel.
Host
Yeah. I mean, I. You know, I was. I was struggling. I was journaling about it before I even started recording this, where I was struggling with, like, you know, the vulnerability involved in kind of putting all your eggs, taking. Taking your eggs out of the basket they've been in for a while and putting them into a new one. It's, you know, there's some vulnerability there, but I think. I think. What else are you gonna do?
Caller Bread
True. Maybe they'll hatch. I don't know if that makes sense, but something will happen to them. Something good.
Host
Yeah. And. And. And. And if none of that works out, I'm gonna eat a lot of chocolate. I'm gonna eat a lot of.
Caller Bread
Hell, yeah.
Host
I'm gonna eat a lot of Ben and Jerry's. Oh, my God. I had. I had. You ever have zebra cake ice cream?
Caller Bread
No. Is that a thing?
Host
It's ice cream with zebra cake chunks in it.
Caller Bread
Is zebra cake the thing from, like, Debbie Whatever.
Host
Yes, it's. Yeah, Little Debbie. Yeah, a little Debbie Zebra cakes.
Caller Bread
Dude, they're just putting whatever in there. It sounds good, though.
Host
It's insane.
Caller Bread
Hell, yeah.
Host
Honestly, I. I don't regret any. I. I don't regret any time in my life that I ate zebra cake ice cream. I mean, maybe I do a little bit. I mean, I don't. I don't regret it. I'd like to move forward and eat. I'd like to eat less shit. But if I don't regret it, if I did, it was all fine. It all happens. I live in the presence. I'm trying to, at least.
Caller Bread
Yeah, man. That ice cream pretty much just never happened. It's fine. There's no consequences. Yeah.
Host
Brad, was this conversation in any way, shape, or form good or helpful for you?
Caller Bread
It was very much so, yeah.
Host
Okay, good.
Caller Bread
I think it was like a slap in the face. It was just like, you know, just, you know, don't overthink it. Like you said, do worthwhile things just. Yeah. You just need to stop thinking so much and live, I guess. Just. I don't know.
Host
I'll tell you what. If you try to do that, I will try to do that, too.
Caller Bread
Sounds good.
Host
Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we Go Bread.
Caller Bread
No, sir.
Host
Beautiful bread. I will see you around the universe.
Caller Bread
Yep, same to you. Bye.
Host
That was Bread.
John Fry
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Caller Willie
Hello?
Host
Hey, what's up, man?
Caller Tyler
Yo, is this Lyle?
Host
Yeah, who is this?
Caller Willie
This is Tyler, man.
Host
What's going on, Tyler? How's life?
Caller Tyler
I would say it's been pretty good recently for sure. I just finally got a job finally after like six months of unemployment.
Host
Very good, very good. What kind of job?
Caller Tyler
Like. Like accounting, like accounts receivable.
Host
Accounts receivable. That's the job. From that I actually, I just watched. There's a scene from the show Bob's Burgers where. You ever seen this? Where? It's on YouTube. I mean, it's also in the show Bob's Burgers but I know from YouTube where Bob has like a. Has a daydream about having a normal job after getting like pissed off about owning the restaurant and he goes and he's like reading, he's reading a newspaper and he goes, accounts receivable specialist. That sounds nice. And Then he has this daydream about working in an office as an accounts receivable specialist. You ever seen that?
Caller Tyler
I've watched Bob's Burger, but I haven't watched that specific clip.
Host
You should watch it. Maybe it might make you romanticize being an accounts receivable specialist.
Caller Tyler
Honestly, it might. For real?
Caller Willie
I don't know.
Caller Tyler
I mean.
Caller Willie
Oh, yeah, now, go ahead.
Caller Tyler
Yeah. No, I was just like. I mean, I was just gonna say, like, you know, I mean, it's not the ideal job I'm looking for, but it's definitely just, like. I mean, literally, I haven't gotten paid in, like, six months, so, like, feels good to, like, make money again, you feel.
Host
Tyler, I'm gonna ask. It's okay. If not, or if this was the thing, but is there anything in particular you called in to want to talk about today?
Caller Tyler
I guess, like. I don't know. I didn't expect you to answer, really. But, I mean, I was just. Damn. You know, I mean.
Caller Willie
I don't know.
Caller Tyler
I mean, particularly, you know. I mean, that was just telling about the good news of, I guess, my week. I guess.
Caller Willie
Yeah, I got. So.
Caller Tyler
Yeah, I mean, I don't really have anything else really on the top of my head right now, but that's okay. Just want to say the good news and whatnot.
Host
That's good. That's good. What's your life like in general?
Caller Tyler
I would say just pretty. Like, pretty regular. I would say, you know, just, like, I guess, like, in the unemployed life I was living, just, like, wake up, go to the gym, do homework, sl. Like, job applications, maybe smoke some weed. I mean, that's really kind of. Really my day. Really kind of every day.
Host
How's. How has weed been for you?
Caller Tyler
You know what? Like, I ain't gonna lie. Like, I took, like, a 800 milligram edible, like, a couple days ago, and I just been mad chilling. I haven't really smoked since then, so.
Caller Willie
A couple days, so.
Host
All right, so you're. You're to tell me that you're currently still riding the high of that 800 milligram edible. Like, it hasn't worn off, you know what?
Caller Tyler
Like, the next. So, like, I think, like, the next day, like, so, like, keep in mind, like, when I took it, like, I took, like, 500 milligrams of it, and then I took, like, another 300, like, maybe like, a couple hours later. And, like, that next day, I pretty much was just sleeping pretty much, like, 13 hours. Right. And then. And then, like, I just really haven't had the Craving, I guess, because, you know, sometimes you just have like that craving. It's like they don't really want to smoke right now.
Host
Mm.
Caller Tyler
But like, I haven't had that since the edible.
Host
So the edible just got rid of cravings, I guess.
Caller Tyler
I mean, I mean, theoretically, it's kind of like a blessing in disguise since I got the job, you know, I mean, so like now I don't feel like smoking weed before or after the job right now. Just kind of like figure out the, you know, like how my new routine will work and whatnot.
Caller Willie
You feel?
Host
Yeah, I feel. I feel.
Caller Willie
Hmm.
Host
Tyler, what do you do in your free time besides, I guess, smoke weed?
Caller Tyler
You know what? Like I was doing like I did pickleball for a little bit.
Host
Oh. I like.
Caller Tyler
Yeah.
Caller Willie
Yeah.
Caller Tyler
I was part of a group for like, I would say a good four months and then it just kind of disbanded randomly. So I haven't really been able to do that much. But I guess like, in a general sense, like I've done like some Ikes, like the gym. I try to get into like puzzles and whatnot again, which isn't kind of therapeutic. But I don't know, sometimes like you just got to be really locked into like wanting that in order to like focus.
Host
What kind of puzzles are we talking about?
Caller Tyler
Oh, no, like the, like the dollar tree puzzles, like the 250 to 500 piece puzzles that are like just random images.
Caller Willie
Probably you can search on Google.
Host
Yeah. Puzzles are very calming. You know, they feel. They feel productive and linear.
Caller Tyler
Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. But, you know, I mean, I've done the puzzles. Like I've. Sometimes I'd like color. Like, I've like. I like have like the same this thing where like, like really earlier on like this year I was like, I really want to get into like my creative elements in a sense and just like trying just to expand like the left side of my brain or whatever. So like I kind of just bought a bunch of coloring books and like crossword puzzles and actual puzzles.
Host
What kinds of shit have you been coloring?
Caller Tyler
Um, it's kind of like sometimes there's like printouts online, sometimes there's like the coloring books themselves are just kind of like regular general color books. Like, for example, like there's like one dedicated to like animals or like one dedicated just to cars. You know, just kind of like those kind of just basic coloring books you could just find anywhere. But I don't know, it kind of. It is kind of weirdly therapeutic in a sense.
Host
Yeah. I gotta, I gotta get on that coloring book shit, you know? Yeah, Just something to occupy the mind, right? I mean, that's kind of like what we were talking about in the previous call is like, just trying to not have your mind wander on.
Caller Willie
Mm, yeah.
Host
Video games are good for that. What were you gonna say?
Caller Tyler
Oh, yeah, I was gonna say my grandpa said this one quote where it's like. Like idol, like the idle mind is. I forgot the exact clip. It's like something like, the idle mind is like the worst mind or something like that.
Caller Willie
I don't know.
Host
Totally.
Caller Tyler
Like, just being not preoccupied and whatnot.
Host
Totally. And you know what's. You know what? Sorry, go ahead. Go ahead.
Caller Willie
No, no, no. Go ahead.
Caller Tyler
No, go ahead.
Host
Oh, well, I was gonna. So you know what's funny is, like, some people. Some people say the opposite of that. They're like, you can't keep doing stuff to escape your thoughts. You gotta improve. You guys, improve the quality of your thoughts when they're. When you're idle. I think that's fucking stupid. You know, I think doing things to escape your thoughts, great idea, meditation. I mean, I'm. I'm kind of bullshitting here. I'm just being. Being funny. But meditation does feel like a kind of bullshit in that sense of like, wait, I don't want to sit with my thoughts. I got to avoid these guys. You know, I think it's just about. It's about the quality of the thing you're doing probably to avoid your thoughts because, you know, you can avoid thoughts by fucking eating ice cream or doing. Starting a fucking landscaping company, but still doing the same thing. Still avoiding thoughts. That's why you go to work or do anything.
Caller Willie
Yeah, I guess.
Caller Tyler
I mean, I don't know. Like, I feel like. I don't know, Like, I guess, like, when I have, like, those negative thoughts, sometimes I kind of just try to, like, figure out why. And then, like, when I discovered the why, then it kind of unleashed to like, a whole, like, oh, wait, I've been avoiding this for, like, years. And then, like. And then you're like, oh, wait, I probably should just make silly efforts at things. Like, I'll give you an example. Like, I guess, like, I trans. Like, I switched to, like, schools online from originally being in person, and I kind of, like, lost, like, that social kind of, like, aspect of it, of school and whatnot. So, like, I guess, like, the feeling of, like, loneliness kind of, like, overtakes me sometimes. So, like, sometimes I gotta figure out, like, how to deal with it properly. Maybe not smoking weed, just, like, actually, like, Going out there and actually going, like, on meetup. Kind of like how you've mentioned before in your previous episodes.
Host
Did you say that you. Did you say that you went to a meetup or you're thinking about going to a meetup?
Caller Tyler
Oh, like, I've been to, like, a couple. Like, I've. I think it's like, whenever. Like. Well, like, as recently. No, but, like, within the past six months. Yes. Like, for that pickleball thing. That's how I found it.
Host
Yeah.
Caller Tyler
Well, that's why it's tougher in my area, at least.
Caller Willie
I don't know.
Host
Well, what's your area?
Caller Tyler
I'm in, like, Southern California, where it's, like, kind of a unique culture. I mean, I could kind of, like. I mean, I could just go to LA area. Like an hour for me, for some better things, but I don't know, I'm. I have to, like, drive everywhere.
Host
Yeah, well, so what do you mean? It's. I mean, SoCal is full of. I mean, LA is full of shit everywhere.
Caller Willie
Mm.
Host
You know?
Caller Tyler
Yeah, but, like. But, like, at least my area, right? Or, like, the OC area. Like, I don't know, it's like. It's either like a. A bunch of, like. Like younger families or just, like, really old people. So it's, like, kind of hard to.
Caller Willie
Find people my age because usually they.
Caller Tyler
Moved out of the area by then.
Caller Willie
Or if they did or if they.
Caller Tyler
Didn'T, I don't know where to find them.
Host
How was the. The pickleball meetup?
Caller Tyler
Yeah, so. So I'll try to remember as much as I can, but pretty much when I got there, how it first started was we had to, like. We had to, like, determine, like, what level of pickleball knowledge we were. I think it's like. Like, it goes from like, 1 to 5, and I barely. I mean, I played tennis a little bit back in the day, but I wasn't really as, like, like, knowledgeable about the rules of pickleball, so I was kind of just, like, learning. It's like the first day of me going to this was, like, actually learning the sport, and then kind of, like, it just kind of turned into, like, just random groups revolving. Like, you would be there for, like, an hour and just. You'd probably play, like, three or four games. Do that like, once a week. It was pretty fun. I mean, I didn't really connect with a lot of people at that because, like, I don't know, it's like.
Caller Willie
It's.
Host
Well, well, well. Well, here's one thing that I think people don't realize when they go to meetups or like, that is that you don't. If. If you go to a thing like that and you instantly make a bunch of friends and everything instantly feels amazing, then you got very lucky, right? You're supposed to. The. The, like, you don't. That doesn't happen overnight. Like, you join communities by repeatedly being a part of them. So you. You can't, like, just go to one thing and then see that it already has. You can't. Because I think, like, a lot of people, like, they go to one thing and then they see that it already has its own culture and whatnot, and then they feel isolated from that culture, and then they go home and they're like, I don't know if I ever want to do that again. But that's because you're. You have way too many expectations. From the first thing, you got to kind of find a thing that you're repeatedly showing up to. And even then, it doesn't take that long, really. It doesn't take that long. You know, I mean, if you go to the set, because if you go to the same fucking Pickleball thing, you know, once a week for six months, you know, you're. You're in the clear.
Caller Tyler
No, you're absolutely right. Like, I. I definitely believe that. I definitely do that, honestly. And, yeah, I mean, like, the Pickleball is a unique situation since the. It just got disbanded and just disappeared. But, like, yeah, like, I. I've been trying to learn to, like, have that expectation kind of go down where, like, you know, I'm not going to be friends with everyone immediately. But if I do, that'd be nice. But, you know, just. It's just kind of being consistent and regular. It's kind of like the. The big kind of key component. It's like the meeting community is just being consistent with where you're going to.
Host
Yeah, I agree with that. What did you say your name was?
Caller Tyler
Jacob Tyler.
Host
Fuck. No. Well, it's annoying because if you came up to me in three years and you were like, yo, we talked about how I went to meet people at Pickleball, I'd be like, yeah, I do remember that, but I won't. I won't remember what the. I honestly, I. Honestly, I don't apologize for not for forgetting the names. I remember the things. I don't remember any names. It just is a thing.
Caller Tyler
You're all good with me, man. You probably talk to some people if you're probably.
Host
No, it's not even no, it's not even that. It's not even that. It's not even that, Tyler.
Caller Willie
Okay.
Caller Tyler
Yes.
Host
Because I talked to so many people, I remember a lot of the. I don't know why I'm getting upset right now. I remember a lot of the thing. I remember the things and the conversations. But I just like, names are not, you know, I forget names of people that I know in real life all the time.
Caller Tyler
Wasn't there like a time when you're like, I'm just gonna call people caller. Like, I'm not even trying to remember names. I'm just gonna call people caller. Yeah, but, but it's all good.
Host
You know what, what's your name? It's Kyler.
Caller Willie
Yep.
Caller Tyler
You got it.
Host
Is there anything else you want to say to the people, the computer before we go?
Caller Tyler
Just be consistent with what you want to do with your life and things will hopefully happen.
Host
Thank you, Kyler. Have a good rest of your entire existence.
Caller Tyler
Appreciate it. God bless.
Host
Bye, Kyler Expert.
Caller Willie
I heart presents the Big three playoffs.
Host
This Sunday, the remaining four teams battle to make the championship in the most physical, fierce and competitive basketball league in the world. The action starts with the big three Monster Energy celebrity game. Then Dwight Howard and his Ellie Riot take on Montrez Harold and Dr. J Chicago triplets. The finale will see popular Miami 305.
Caller Willie
With stars MVP Michael Beasley and Lance Stevenson take on Nancy Lieberman's Dallas power.
Host
Who will make it to the big three championship. The no holds barred action starts Sunday at 3pm Eastern, 12 Pacific only on CBS.
Ryan Seacrest
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. It is hot out there this summer, right? But don't sweat it. We got tons of ways to save on your family's favorite personal care items to keep yourself feeling cool and smelling good. Now through September 9th, earn four times points when you shop for items from your favorite brands like Right Guard raw sugar, Dove Soft soap and Olay. Then use your points for discounts on groceries or gas on future purchases. Offer end September 9th. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
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Podcast: Therapy Gecko
Host: Lyle (the Therapy Gecko) | iHeartPodcasts
Air Date: August 20, 2025
This episode of Therapy Gecko centers on calls from three individuals, each navigating intense life transitions and existential challenges. The main themes span grappling with physical limitations, existential paralysis, and finding meaning and community in everyday life. Throughout, host Lyle offers candid reflections on mental health, journaling, self-acceptance, and the pursuit of a “worthwhile” existence—with humor, empathy, and the signature gecko absurdity.
Timestamps: [02:42]–[26:45]
Journaling and Self-Knowledge:
Lyle reflects on discovering patterns from years of journaling and wrestling with whether fundamental aspects of personality can change or simply be managed.
“I’m just a neurotic guy... I’ve always been adventurous and entrepreneurial and deeply neurotic and anxious… I might be that way forever. But I don’t know.” – Lyle [03:11]
Therapy/Journaling as Partial Relief:
Both Willie and Lyle discuss their frustrations with self-work:
“Great, I talked about all this, but, you know, I’m still here.” – Lyle [08:16]
“I feel like I’m just right back where I was...but then again, on the backhand, it still works...a little bit.” – Willie [07:41]
Life with ILD:
Willie describes adjusting to life with severely limited lung function, frequent medical appointments, and periods of deep depression and isolation.
“I have to constantly focus on breathing, basically. Not, like, constantly, but...take steps a little bit slower than usual...At one point, you’re just chilling, walking, and next thing you know your oxygen dropped to, like, 80...” – Willie [14:25]
Life Change and Acceptance:
Despite reluctance toward a transplant and lingering depression, Willie has begun re-engaging with life: editing gaming videos for YouTube, taking walks, and attempting to “go with the flow”—a philosophy of doing enough to stay out of misery and not giving up.
Isolation and Connection:
He shares how illness led him to withdraw, but now he’s trying to rebuild routines and keep moving, even with an “oxygen tank as big as me.”
“The best bet right now for me is just go with the flow. Don’t do too much, but do enough where you’re not miserable...I can’t just sit now and not do nothing anymore.” – Willie [20:46]
“I feel like people—when life hits you like that—you have to step away and reevaluate yourself for a bit, and that’s what I did.” – Willie [23:27]
“Stay blessed, stay the best, girlfriends. I hope y’all go to rest, you feel me?” – Willie [26:32]
Timestamps: [32:13]–[68:19]
Existential Crisis & Paralysis:
Bread feels stuck, unable to act out of fear that each action won’t be "the right" thing. Constant overthinking leads to procrastination in school and life.
Perfectionist Fallacy:
Lyle unpacks the “perfectionist paralysis”—that, because life is so precious, every moment must be perfectly spent. But he argues this standard is inherently impossible and counterproductive:
“Nobody will do it perfectly. Life is error correction.” – Lyle [38:19]
“The paralyzing yourself with trying to find the most perfect, amazing thing to do with your life, it’s paralyzing…just do things.” – Lyle [39:08]
Redefining ‘Worthwhile’:
Lyle suggests lowering the bar for what counts as worthwhile. Even small joys like playing a game or watching a silly YouTube video can be meaningful if they feel right and contribute to overall well-being.
The Influence of Algorithms:
They discuss how TikTok and social media reinforce existential anxiety (“Your whole feed is existential...it becomes the world you live in.” – Lyle [51:39]) and advocate being mindful of digital consumption.
Aspiration vs. Acceptance:
They discuss the fantasy of “ascension”—a state where one is finally free from anxiety or doubt. Lyle cautions that peace is likely found not in erasing negative emotion, but in accepting and integrating it as part of life.
“Instead of trying to imagine a world where I never have any problems...I just take it in as part of life.” – Lyle [61:03]
“At the very left is ‘dumb Wojack’: I just do things that I like and have a chill time...In the middle...is life must be optimized...On the right: enlightened Wojack...he’s like, I just do things that I like.” – Lyle [56:04]
“Just do worthwhile things. Try not to beat yourself up too much and lower your bar for what’s worthwhile...It becomes a lot less pressure.” – Lyle [44:43]
“It was like a slap in the face. Just, you know, just...don’t overthink it. Like you said, do worthwhile things. Just stop thinking so much and live, I guess.” – Bread [67:44]
Timestamps: [72:02]–[86:44]
Transitions and Routine:
Tyler describes adjusting to his new job, daily routines, and efforts to stay active—gym, hiking, puzzles, coloring, and previously, pickleball.
Living Alone and Avoidance:
He opens up about loneliness that sometimes overwhelms him, especially after switching to online school, and coping mechanisms—smoking weed, escapism through hobbies.
“Sometimes I gotta figure out how to deal with it properly. Maybe not smoking weed, just actually going out there...” – Tyler [80:10]
On Meetups and Community:
Tyler recounts joining a pickleball group via Meetup, how it helped (until it disbanded), and how hard it can be, especially in SoCal, to connect with peers.
Lyle encourages repeated participation as key to forming community:
“You join communities by repeatedly being a part of them. You can’t just go to one thing...it takes time.” – Lyle [84:35]
Therapeutic Escapes:
Coloring, puzzles, and video games are discussed as healthy, therapeutic ways to keep the mind occupied and avoid spiraling negative thoughts.
“My grandpa said this one quote: ‘the idle mind is the worst mind or something like that.’” – Tyler [77:46]
“Just be consistent with what you want to do with your life and things will hopefully happen.” – Tyler [86:34]
Throughout the episode, Lyle weaves together his own neuroses and search for meaning with those of his callers, embodying the Therapy Gecko’s mission of mutual existential exploration. His style remains sincere, irreverent, and warmly self-deprecating:
On Knowledge and Experience:
“I think the more stuff you know, you get expanded to the world...Even if the truths revealed are uncomfortable, I’d rather do that than live ignorant to them.” – Lyle [28:10]
On Change and Acceptance:
“Part of the ascension is just accepting that...Instead of trying to imagine a world where I never have any problems...I take it in as part of life and accept my imperfections.” – Lyle [61:03]
On Worthwhile Living:
“Whether or not that was the perfect thing to do with my life, it was worthwhile to do, the answer is yes.” – Lyle [39:08]
On Human Error and Self-Compassion:
“If you get trapped in dopamine loops—which everyone does—I’m living proof...but I still am able to look back at my life proud.” – Lyle [41:23]
This Therapy Gecko episode showcases Lyle’s unique blend of existential humor and heartfelt support. He meets callers at their weakest and most nihilistic with genuine affirmation, pragmatic philosophy, and a gentle challenge to lower their bar for happiness—reminding us that even amid life’s uncertainty, just “doing things” (especially together) is meaning enough.
Signature Sign-off:
“Stay blessed, stay the best, girlfriends. I hope y’all go to rest.” – Willie [26:32]