Episode Summary: "How Are You Not Seeing This?"
This American Life, Episode 840
Release Date: September 15, 2024

Introduction

In episode 840 of This American Life, titled "How Are You Not Seeing This?", host Tobin Lowe explores the perplexing phenomenon where individuals fail to recognize obvious truths or realities right in front of them. Through a series of compelling stories, the episode delves into misunderstandings, perceptual disorders, and the lengths people go to bridge the gap in mutual understanding.

1. Tig Notaro’s Family Revelation

The episode opens with a heartfelt story about comedian and openly gay personality Tig Notaro and her wife, Stephanie. Despite living openly as a same-sex couple for over a decade, Tig and Stephanie discover that their twin sons, Max and Finn, had not internalized the truth about their parents' sexual orientation.

• Unexpected Discovery
  After seven years of nurturing their children, Tig recounts a pivotal moment:

  Tig Notaro [02:20]: "Yeah. And he said, 'What's gay?' And that was a whole other level of stunned."

  This revelation occurs as Max and Finn innocently question their parents' sexual orientation en route to first grade, revealing a significant communication gap.

• Parental Reflection
  Tig expresses her insecurities following the incident:

  Tig Notaro [03:19]: "I was saying, okay, so gay is when a boy likes a boy or a girl likes a girl. And that would be specific to being gay. And they were just like, oh, okay."

  This moment underscores the assumption that children fully grasp the nuances of their family dynamics, highlighting the challenges parents face in effectively communicating their identities.

2. Act One: The Period Pain Simulator

Producer Aviva Dekornfeld introduces the story of Lux Perry, an innovator determined to bridge the empathy gap between men and women regarding menstrual pain.

• Creating Empathy Through Technology
  Lux developed a machine that simulates period cramps, aiming to provide firsthand experience to those who dismiss the severity of menstrual pain. Producer Alise Beagle narrates Lux's journey:

  Alise Beagle [09:37]: "I'll admit I came into this pretty skeptical... But Lux had their machine modified to make the cramps more intense."

• Public Reactions and Insights
  During a demonstration at the Calgary Stampede, the reactions of men experiencing simulated cramps range from disbelief to genuine empathy:

  Tobin Lowe [13:02]: "Oh, my God."
  Lux Perry [11:32]: "And when everyone around you is telling you that the pain that you experience is completely not real... it's kind of how you end up building a simulator."

  Women observing these reactions often express a mix of amusement and vindication, yet they remain hopeful that such experiences foster deeper understanding.

• Impact on Relationships
  The simulator not only educates but also strains relationships. In one notable case, a couple separated after the simulator highlighted lingering dismissiveness:

  Lux Perry [15:56]: "He was saying that she exaggerates, that it's not that bad."

  This incident illustrates the delicate balance between fostering empathy and confronting entrenched beliefs within personal relationships.

3. Act Two: Jason Worbelloff’s Perceptual Disorder

Producer Alise Beagle shares the poignant story of Jason Worbelloff, whose life was reshaped by a rare neurological condition called prosopometamorphopsia (PMO).

• Living with Distorted Perceptions
  For 13 years, Jason struggled with the inability to accurately perceive facial expressions, leading him to see demonic snarls in people’s faces, thereby damaging his relationships:

  Aviva Dekornfeld [27:36]: "What I saw on your face was impossible to tell wasn't real."

• Strained Relationships and Isolation
  The constant misinterpretation of expressions caused Jason to withdraw socially, fostering loneliness and misunderstanding:

  Jason Worbelloff [31:09]: "I put myself into therapy."

  His attempts to navigate friendships and romantic relationships were perpetually marred by these false perceptions, highlighting the immense personal toll of the disorder.

• Diagnosis and Coping Mechanisms
  Jason's breakthrough came through an online interaction that led to his diagnosis of PMO, allowing him to understand his long-term struggles:

  Aviva Dekornfeld [33:34]: "When I looked in the mirror... everything made a certain morbid sense."

  Collaborating with researcher Brad Duchesne, Jason developed strategies to manage his condition, such as wearing glasses to mitigate distortions and altering his social interactions to reduce stress.

• Emotional Resolution
  Although Jason now understands the root of his perceptions, the emotional scars of years of misunderstanding remain:

  Aviva Dekornfeld [42:20]: "Not as long as I have eyes, yeah."

  His story underscores the profound impact that neurological disorders can have on personal identity and relationships.

4. Act Three: David Kestenbaum’s Heat Pump Odyssey

Senior Editor David Kestenbaum narrates the ordeal of replacing a natural gas furnace with a heat pump, underscoring bureaucratic hurdles and systemic inefficiencies.

• Navigating Government Incentives
  David's attempt to capitalize on a $2,000 federal tax credit for heat pumps is fraught with confusion:

  Ira Glass [45:13]: "How are we ever going to solve climate change if this is what it takes to get one heat pump installed in one house?"

  The complexity of energy efficiency ratings and misleading government websites exacerbate the frustration, illustrating broader systemic issues in environmental policy implementation.

• Technical Challenges and Miscommunication
  David encounters multiple obstacles, including inconsistent information about eligibility and non-functional government databases:

  Ira Glass [49:30]: "The only way forward seems to be to look up the actual requirements for you to get your $2,000 tax credit."

  This segment highlights the disconnect between policy intentions and practical execution, hindering individuals’ efforts to adopt sustainable technologies.

• Partial Resolution and Ongoing Struggles
  Although the government eventually updates the Energy Star website, the initial experience leaves David and others disillusioned:

  David Kestenbaum [50:20]: "You have to click a couple more times on the right things and then... good luck."

  David’s perseverance amidst bureaucratic red tape serves as a critique of the inefficiencies that impede environmental progress at the individual level.

5. Act Four: Marie Phillips’ Creative Narrative

Author Marie Phillips presents a fictional yet emotionally resonant tale that encapsulates the episode's theme of unrecognized realities and strained communications.

• A Fragmented Friendship
  The narrative unfolds through a series of vignettes depicting a deteriorating friendship, marked by misunderstandings and unmet expectations:

  Marie Phillips [51:04]: "We used to share everything, but lately I feel like you've been slipping away from me."

  This storytelling approach uses metaphorical elements, such as a beanstalk and a golden goose, to symbolize the complexities and eventual breakdown of genuine connection.

• Expression of Inner Turmoil
  The protagonist grapples with feelings of abandonment and incomprehension, attempting to bridge the emotional distance with little success:

  Marie Phillips [57:59]: "I miss you. We used to have so much in common before you met your husband."

  Through whimsical and surreal imagery, the story poignantly illustrates the pain of not being "seen" or understood by someone once close.

Conclusion

Episode 840 of This American Life masterfully weaves together narratives that explore the often invisible barriers to understanding and empathy in human interactions. From technological innovations aimed at fostering empathy to the profound personal struggles caused by neurological conditions and systemic inefficiencies, the stories collectively emphasize the importance of truly seeing and comprehending one another’s experiences. The episode not only highlights the challenges but also the resilience of individuals striving to bridge perceptual and communicative divides.

Notable Quotes:

• Ira Glass [02:20]: "Yeah. And he said, 'What's gay?' And that was a whole other level of stunned."
• Tig Notaro [03:19]: "I was saying, okay, so gay is when a boy likes a boy or a girl likes a girl."
• Lux Perry [11:32]: "And when everyone around you is telling you that the pain that you experience is completely not real... it's kind of how you end up building a simulator."
• Jason Worbelloff [31:09]: "I put myself into therapy."
• Ira Glass [45:13]: "How are we ever going to solve climate change if this is what it takes to get one heat pump installed in one house?"
• Marie Phillips [51:04]: "We used to share everything, but lately I feel like you've been slipping away from me."

Key Takeaways:

• Communication Gaps: Even within close families, significant misunderstandings can occur without explicit and clear communication.
• Empathy Building: Innovative tools like the period simulator can foster empathy but may also reveal underlying tensions in relationships.
• Neurological Impacts: Conditions like PMO can drastically alter perception, leading to long-term personal and relational challenges.
• Systemic Barriers: Bureaucratic complexities can impede individual efforts toward sustainability and environmental responsibility.
• Emotional Struggles: Fictional narratives can poignantly capture the emotional turmoil stemming from unrecognized or misunderstood personal experiences.

For those intrigued by the intricate explorations of human perception and communication, This American Life’s episode "How Are You Not Seeing This?" offers a profound and engaging listen that underscores the importance of truly seeing one another.