Podcast Summary: This Is Important – Ep 287: "Six Times Eight Equals Sixty-Eight Masturbate"

Release Date: February 24, 2026
Hosts: Adam Devine, Anders Holm (Ders), Blake Anderson, Kyle Newacheck
Podcast Theme: The guys riff and joke their way through “important” subjects, mixing personal anecdotes, pop-culture, and wild theories — all with their signature offbeat banter.

Episode Overview

In this episode, Adam, Blake, Ders, and Kyle dive into "seriously important" topics, spanning LDS/Mormonism and megachurches, the connection between penis size and evil, personal educational failures, and the eternal struggle with multiplication tables. Full of riffing, self-deprecation, and tangents, this episode blends absurdist humor with feeling like a high school locker room conversation.

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Mormonism, Religions & Mega-Churches

[06:12–15:30]

• Mormon Community Experiences: The gang discusses experiences with Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses, addressing the confusion between the two and their respective quirks, with references to classic door-knocking.
  • Ders recalls Mormons rolling up with "side bags" and trying to "rope us in."
  • Adam: “They’re like, ‘We know you guys are heathens.’” [07:27]
  • Debate over whether Mormons are “nice people” but with problematic history, including discussions of racist doctrine in old Mormon church materials.
• Mega-Church Critique: Adam wonders when churches turned into megachurch "basketball stadiums."
  • Adam: “When did churches go from… an ornate thing that was hundreds of years old, to now it’s gotta look like an absolute spaceship?” [13:16]
  • Discussion of LA’s Mosaic church, described as “crawling with hot people,” and how even a religion can get priced out of LA real estate.
  • Ders: “You don’t have to pay taxes if you’re a religion, but I think you still have to rent.” [16:39]

2. Internet Conspiracies & “JMail.com”

[17:00–22:26]

• Adam’s Rabbit Hole: Adam discovers a “conspiracy” account about JMail.com — allegedly hosting Jeffrey Epstein’s leaked emails, but which redirects users to random commercial websites.
  • Adam: “I let me go to JMail.com and it redirected me to…cbs.com. Put on my tinfoil hat!” [17:40]
  • The others decline to click for fear of weird spyware, mocking the situation.
  • Ders: “JMail.com…it said, are you a human?” [19:49]
  • Ends with skepticism at online conspiracies: “Go down the rabbit hole…That’s what I’m—” "I don't like rabbit holes." [20:46]

3. Penis Size and Evil – The Most “Important” Discussion

[22:03–36:46]

• Does Penis Size Predict “Evil” or Success?: Blake proposes a tongue-in-cheek theory: the smaller the penis, the greater the likelihood of evil or ambitious acts.
  • Blake: “Wouldn’t it be interesting to know how large Abraham Lincoln’s penis was in comparison to Kubla Khan?” [23:26]
  • The conversation spins into history, pop culture, and whether Bill Gates’s “Microsoft” is an intentional pun.
• Sean Daddy Story: Adam shares about “Sean Daddy,” a friend who used his large endowment for a life of confidence and (questionable) freeloading.
  • Adam: “That’s how good of a life it is to have a huge dick, is you get free haircuts for you and all your friends.” [34:04]
  • Blake: “He gave dick so good you had trickle-down haircuts.” [34:25]
• Small Dick Crimes vs. Big Dick Crimes: The theory is expanded — "small dick" masterminds plan out “evil” things like Epstein, while “hoggers” are too busy enjoying life to plot.
  • Adam: “Big dick crimes are different than small dick crimes…big dick crimes…drunk and disorderly.” [35:28]
  • “I'll tell you what big dick gentlemen aren’t doing: they're not plotting.” [36:46]
• Development and Personality:
  • The group wonders if smaller-genital men develop funnier personalities or kindness.
  • Adam to Blake: “I know your dick is small…But it’s not so small that you’re gonna be a mastermind.” [37:38]
  • Jokes about "grower, not a shower" and everyone finding their path to social success.

4. School, Book Reports, and Math Struggles

[38:33–56:08]

• High School Experiences: The crew revisits their school days — presentation skills vs. academic competency.
  • Adam: “I’d be entertain them. They do all the work. Then I do the presentation.” [39:06]
  • “There’s a power to that. But it’s nice when you have a little bit of both.” [41:16]
• GPA Inflation & Modern School:
  • Ders’s story about attending his old high school graduation and realizing everyone now has a high GPA:
    • “How’s everybody here have a 3.5? … What’s the deal?” [43:43]
  • Adam and others recall teachers who didn't want students to get good grades.
• Learning Struggles:
  • Discussion of note-taking and not absorbing material, writing “hieroglyphics.”
  • Creative avoidance: Adam would join "study groups" thinking they were smoke-and-game sessions, only to discover serious students.
  • Ders: “My life was just drawing. All through class.” [46:34]

5. Multiplication Tables Meltdown & State Capitals

[55:03–58:18]

• Multiplication Table Fails:
  • Blake asks Adam if he knows his times tables:
    • Blake: “What’s 6 times 8?”
    • Adam: “68. Masturbate.” [55:45] (Episode title)
    • Classic TII breakdown of actual math, joking they barely remember the tables.
    • “My daughter has already surpassed me on multiplication tables.” [56:22]
• State Capitals:
  • The group quizzes themselves (“Vermont? Montpelier? That doesn’t seem like a place.” [58:06]) and joke about knowing random Geography trivia.

6. Favorite School Subjects & Class Clown

[58:18–67:37]

• Gym and Electives:
  • Gym as everyone’s favorite “easy A” (Ders: “Get me on the gymnastics mats and I’m trouble.” [58:32])
  • Offbeat subjects: Architecture, Home Ec, even an alleged “soup class.”
• Class Clown Legacy:
  • Blake and Kyle’s school superlatives (“Best Hair” for Blake, “Class Clown"/"Plain Nuts" for Kyle).
  • Adam shares he won both Class Clown and Most Likely to Make it to the Silver Screen, choosing the former as his "claim to fame."

7. Speech Class, Forensics, and Adam’s Almost-Fame

[67:37–68:26]

• Adam discusses competitive speech/forensics in high school — a mix of dramatic, comedic, and improv speeches.
  • Lost state finals by two points (same year Josh Gad won nationals): “Josh Gad is just a way better version of me.” [68:09]

Notable Quotes

• On Megachurches:
  “Now it’s got to look like an absolute spaceship…It sits 25,000 people. It’s in a basketball stadium, essentially.” — Adam [14:02]
• On Mormon Encounters:
  “They rolled up with like the side bags and they tried to rope us in. They were like, you know, you want to be Christian.” — Ders [07:08]
• On Penis Size Theory:
  “Wouldn’t it be interesting to know how large Abraham Lincoln’s penis was in comparison to Kubla Khan?” — Blake [23:26] “That’s how good of a life it is to have a huge dick, is you get free haircuts for you and all your friends.” — Adam [34:04]
• School Memories:
  “I’d be entertain them. They do all the work. Then I do the presentation. I’m the salesman of the group.” — Adam [39:06] “My life was just drawing. All through class.” — Ders [46:34] “What’s 6 times 8? 68. Masturbate.” — Adam [55:45]

Memorable Tangents & Moments

• The failed JMail.com conspiracy; multiple website redirections and growing paranoia (18:00–22:30).
• The anatomy–evil scale: mapping history’s villains and saints by their (likely mythical) endowments.
• Peak self-deprecation: Realizing the only math they collectively remember is “68. Masturbate.” [55:45]
• Anecdotes about school slacking, artistic note-taking, and their failed attempts at academic seriousness.
• Lamenting the loss of “good” jokes and songs on their Netflix incarnation due to copyright rules [04:00].

Related Recommendations & Takebacks

(Closing Section, [69:04–71:12])

• Blake fixates on his “Kubla Khan” confusion: “It's really, really bugging me and I'm gonna really, really dig into it.” [68:44]
• Endorsement: Monarch: Legacy of Monsters (Apple TV+)
• Blake: “If I say something out loud, I'd actually like to know what I'm talking about. … If I'm going to be offensive, I like to know I'm being offensive…” [69:26]

For first-time listeners:
Expect off-the-cuff, irreverent humor masquerading as serious inquiry — with ADHD-level pivoting and classic bits, but also an undercurrent of real friendship and self-awareness.