Am I Being a Bitch… Or Just Finally Being Honest? | Unfiltered & Unhinged

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
Episode: "Am I Being a Bitch… Or Just Finally Being Honest? | Unfiltered & Unhinged"
Release Date: June 12, 2026
Host: Nicole Kalil

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Episode Overview

In this Unfiltered & Unhinged edition, Nicole Kalil tackles the persistent question many women secretly—and not so secretly—ask themselves: “Am I being a bitch, or just honest?” Through candid self-reflection and cultural critique, Nicole deconstructs why assertive women are often seen as “difficult” and urges listeners to reframe their self-questioning. The episode is a short, punchy dose of permission to own your truth, ditch old expectations, and stop apologizing for taking up space.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Why Do We Ask Ourselves, “Am I Being a Bitch?”

• Nicole opens with her own experience, admitting that the question creeps in often, even “in my menopausal era of giving fewer fucks.”
• She challenges whether men similarly police their behavior:

  "Do men stop and ask themselves, am I being a dick? And if they do, is it nearly as often as we do?" [01:32]

• Nicole suspects women are disproportionately preoccupied with this self-doubt due to social conditioning.

Assertiveness vs. Social Expectations

• Nicole describes scenarios when she asks herself this question, such as:
  • Stating her wants and needs
  • Setting boundaries and enforcing them
  • Refusing to excuse bad behavior
  • Demanding fair compensation

• "Most of the time when I ask myself that question, the answer is actually, no, I'm not being a bitch. I was just being not what women are expected to be. Not sugar and spice and everything nice." [02:00]

Confusing Guilt with Wrongdoing

• Women are conditioned to interpret others’ discomfort as a sign of their own fault:

  "We've been conditioned to confuse other people's discomfort or displeasure with our own wrongdoing." [03:05]

• Asserting boundaries or saying “no” often leads to guilt, not because of wrongdoing but because it conflicts with expectations of over-accommodation.

Authenticity Isn’t an Excuse for Cruelty

• Nicole is clear:

  "Being authentic or strong or direct or whatever we want to call it is not a permission slip to be cruel." [04:03]

• She notes that most women listening struggle not with being too mean, but with feeling guilty for not over-extending themselves.

Realizations About Power & Boundaries

• When Nicole truly is “being a bitch,” she knows—no need to ask. The doubt arises when she’s just being confident, bold, or unapologetically herself:

  "It's when I'm questioning it, when I feel confused, that's when I typically was just being strong or confident or bold. Maybe a little salty. Definitely not ladylike, but not cruel or mean." [04:40]

Outsourcing Your Sense of Self

• She notes that women often “crowdsource” their sense of self by relying on others’ opinions:

  "I'm outsourcing my sense of self. I'm using external metrics to measure internal truth." [05:00]

• Nicole expresses her determination to stop second-guessing herself and to discern internally when she’s powerful vs. actually unkind.

Differences Between Power and Unkindness

• Nicole states essential truths:
  • Being powerful ≠ being unkind
  • Having boundaries ≠ cruelty
  • Disappointing people ≠ violence
  • Making yourself smaller for others ≠ kindness

Asking Better Questions

• Nicole flips the self-critical script and proposes empowering alternatives:

  “It’s not ‘am I being a bitch?’ But, ‘who benefits when I stay nice and sweet and quiet?’ Spoiler: it isn’t you.” [06:14]

• Other empowering questions she suggests:
  • What’s the ROI on giving fewer fucks?
  • What if my self-respect mattered more than being well liked?
  • What if their disappointment isn’t actually my responsibility?
  • Am I asking for too much, or have I been settling for too little?
  • “Does this boundary make my ass look big?” [06:22]
  • “Who decided I was too much and why am I still listening?” [06:30]

Encouragement and Takeaway

• Nicole closes with a call to retire questions that keep women small and to boldly craft their own definitions of what “woman’s work” means.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Do men stop and ask themselves, am I being a dick? ...I would genuinely like to know. Because I'm guessing that women are disproportionately concerned about it." [01:32]
• "We've been conditioned to confuse other people's discomfort or displeasure with our own wrongdoing." [03:05]
• "Being authentic or strong or direct or whatever we want to call it is not a permission slip to be cruel. It's not a pass to do or say whatever we want without consequences." [04:03]
• "It's when I'm questioning it, when I feel confused, that's when I typically was just being strong or confident or bold...not cruel or mean. Just not what other people may have expected of me." [04:40]
• "I'm outsourcing my sense of self. I'm using external metrics to measure internal truth. I'm crowdsourcing other people's opinions about how I should show up. And I'm tired of asking myself this question." [05:00]
• "Being powerful isn’t the same thing as being unkind. Having boundaries isn’t cruelty, disappointing people isn’t an act of violence, and making yourself smaller to make other people comfortable is not kindness." [05:30]
• “It’s not am I being a bitch? But, who benefits when I stay nice and sweet and quiet? Spoiler: it isn’t you.” [06:14]
• "Maybe the best question of all is, who decided I was too much and why am I still listening?" [06:30]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:22 – Nicole introduces the focus: the “Am I being a bitch?” question
• 02:00 – Discussion on how “bitch” is conflated with women stepping outside expected roles
• 03:05 – Insight into confusing others’ discomfort with personal wrongdoing
• 04:03 – The difference between authenticity/power and cruelty
• 05:00 – Reflection on “outsourcing” self-worth and commitment to self-trust
• 05:30 – Core differentiators between power and cruelty
• 06:14 – Nicole reframes the central question and offers alternatives
• 06:30 – The most empowering question: "Who decided I was too much and why am I still listening?"
• 06:57 – Episode closes with call to ask better questions and define your own “woman’s work”

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Overall Tone

Nicole’s delivery is candid, witty, and boldly unapologetic. She strikes a tone of camaraderie, encouraging listeners to drop guilt, trust their inner compass, and openly challenge social conditioning—delivering both tough love and celebration of women’s authentic power.

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Transcript

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I am Nicole Khalil, and you are listening to the this Is Woman's Work podcast, the Unfiltered and Unhinged Edition. Short episodes, big truths, absolutely zero perfection. And today I want to talk about a question that I'm sure you ask yourself too. And it goes like this. Am I being a bitch? I mean, do you ask yourself that question more often than you should? Because I know that I do. Even now, in my menopausal era of giving fewer fucks, the question still sneaks in way more often than I'd like to. And I can't help but wonder, do men stop and ask themselves, am I being a dick? And if they do, is it nearly as often as we do? Is there a graph somewhere on this? I mean, can somebody please do this research or send it to me? Because I would genuinely like to know. Because I'm guessing that women are disproportionately concerned about it. Here's what I've realized. Most of the time when I ask myself that question, the answer is actually, no, I'm not being a bitch. I was just being not what women are expected to be. Not sugar and spice and everything nice. Like when I speak up about my wants or even my basic needs. Or when I set a boundary and actually stick to it, when I hold somebody accountable or refuse to excuse bad behavior or call someone out for being a total asshole regardless of gender. Things like when I tell people my rates and expect them to pay it, when I refuse to stay in places or with people who are trying to keep me and each other small. And I wonder if a lot of the women who ask themselves this question are asking it because we've been conditioned to confuse other people's discomfort or displeasure with our own wrongdoing. We've been taught that if somebody feels uncomfortable with our boundary, our honesty, our ambition, our directness, our nose, then we must be doing something wrong. We must be being a bitch, right? And listen, I know for sure that we are all assholes sometimes. I know that I have been a bitch. And I'm sure that there are still bitchy moments ahead. It'd be awfully presumptuous to assume that I've peaked, right? And this needs to be said. Just because we feel it, just because we claim it as authenticity, does not mean that it's okay to be said. Being authentic or strong or direct or whatever we want to call it is not a permission slip to be cruel. It's not a pass to do or say whatever we want without consequences. But I don't run into many women who are struggling with being too cruel. I think we're struggling most with feeling guilty the second we stop over functioning, over giving, over accommodating, and over explaining. Because more often than not, when I've asked myself whether or not I was being a bitch, I wasn't. Because when I am, I know I am. I don't need to ask. It's when I'm questioning it, when I feel confused, that's when I typically was just being strong or confident or bold. Maybe a little salty. Definitely not ladylike, but not cruel or mean. Just not what other people may have expected of me. And the truth is, that's usually the crux of it for me. I'm worrying about how other people are going to react, what they're going to think of me. I'm outsourcing my sense of self. I'm using external metrics to measure internal truth. I'm crowdsourcing other people's opinions about how I should show up. And I'm tired of asking myself this question. I'm tired of the second guessing and deeply curious and committed to knowing internally when I'm being powerful versus when I'm actually being a bitch. Side note, if you're looking for more on this. We did release an episode a while back about figuring out if you're being a bitch or standing in your power. It's episode 349 and we'll link it in. Show notes if you're looking for more because here's the bottom line. There is a difference. Being powerful isn't the same thing as being unkind. Having boundaries isn't cruelty, disappointing people isn't an act of violence, and making yourself smaller to make other people comfortable is is not kindness. So here's where I've landed. As the old saying goes, the only way to avoid criticism is to do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But you and I, we weren't put here for nothing, and there is no way you could convince me otherwise. So I guess our next best choice is to speak our truth, stand in our power, live authentically and curiously, and stop wasting our time asking the wrong fucking question. It's not am I being a bitch? But who benefits when I stay nice and sweet and quiet? Spoiler it isn't you. It's about asking better questions. Like what's the ROI on giving fewer fucks? What if my self respect mattered more to me than being well liked? What if their disappointment isn't actually my responsibility? Am I asking for too much or have I just been settling for too little even? Does this boundary make my ass look big? And listen, the maybe the best question of all is who decided I was too much and why am I still listening? So friend, here is to asking better questions and retiring the ones designed to keep us small. Because that is woman's work.

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