Podcast Summary

Podcast: This Is Woman’s Work with Nicole Kalil
Episode: Big Trust Energy: How to Build Self-Trust When Self-Doubt Won’t Shut Up with Dr. Shadé Zahrai
Date: January 19, 2026
Host: Nicole Kalil
Guest: Dr. Shadé Zahrai

Episode Overview

This episode centers on redefining confidence, debunking the so-called "confidence con," and highlighting how foundational self-trust (“big trust”) is for overcoming self-doubt. Nicole and Dr. Shadé Zahrai dig deep into their personal and research-backed definitions of confidence, the internal mechanics of self-doubt, and actionable ways women (and everyone) can cultivate unshakable trust in themselves—even when self-doubt seems relentless.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Redefining Confidence and Self-Trust

• Nicole opens with her frustration about how confidence is misrepresented (03:00), especially by industries profiting from women’s insecurities.
• She introduces Dr. Shadé Zahrai, whose expertise is grounded in behavioral research, not quick fixes or self-help gimmicks (03:40).

Defining Confidence

• Dr. Zahrai (04:00):

  “That feeling of confidence that we're waiting for... it actually does not come before we take the action. ... Confidence is actually the result, it's not what comes before the action.”

• Nicole (05:39):

  “Action builds confidence, overthinking derails it.”

• They agree that self-trust is what must precede confident action; confidence is the “resulting state.”

Semantics & Etymology

• Dr. Zahrai (07:10):

  “It [confidence] does come from the Latin con and fidere, which means with trust.”

2. Big Trust When Outcomes Aren’t Guaranteed

• Nicole (07:23): Questions whether acting with “big trust” still builds confidence when outcomes aren’t positive.
• Dr. Zahrai (07:50):

  “Having that big trust is also holding yourself in that esteem so that no matter what happens, you don't internalize it at the end. ... You are trusting your capacity to grow and to bounce forward when you hit that roadblock.”

Self-Image & Expectations

• Dr. Zahrai shares the Robert Kleck “scar experiment” from the 1970s (09:20) to illustrate how our self-image shapes our entire experience:

  “They had created a reality not based on objective truth, but based on how they saw themselves. It's called expectation bias.”

3. How to Change Self-Image and Personal Growth

• Dr. Zahrai challenges the myth that personality and self-image are fixed from childhood (14:21):

  “Recent research... has found that you can fundamentally change your self image, you can fundamentally change your personality. But... you need to apply proven principles and techniques.”

Four Trainable Capacities of “Big Trust”

• Acceptance: Self-worth not outsourced to others
• Agency: Belief in one’s ability to act and learn
• Autonomy: Focusing on choices within your control
• Adaptability: Managing and harnessing emotions
• All of these can be intentionally developed over time.
• Change can happen within six weeks with “as little as 10 minutes a week” of focused effort (19:23).

4. Derailers and ‘Inner Deceivers’—The Internal Enemies of Trust

• Nicole shares her five “confidence derailers”: Perfectionism, head trash (negative self-talk), comparison & judgment, overthinking, and seeking confidence externally (22:29).

• Dr. Zahrai introduces the “Four Inner Deceivers” (23:36):

  1. Classic Judge: The endless inner critic; “that incessant voice that is never Happy with you.”
  2. Misguided Protector: Keeps you ‘safe’ from failure by magnifying risks—leads to inaction and perfectionism.
  3. Ringmaster: Pushes for overachievement at the expense of well-being (“guilt if you rest”).
  4. Neglector: Especially common in women; puts everyone else’s needs first, seeks external validation.

• A fifth, less-often mentioned deceiver, the “Victimizer,” makes you believe you have no power and keeps you stuck in blame and resentment (31:39).

Actionable Advice

• Move from “should” to “could”—listing options and then choosing what you will do restores your sense of agency (33:50).

5. Confidence and Social Media—A Complex Relationship

• Nicole admits to stepping away from social media, finding it undermines her confidence (36:44).
• Dr. Zahrai (37:55):

  “These platforms are designed... to make them addictive. ... The worse you feel about yourself, the more time you spend scrolling. This is not me just saying that. This is shown in research.”

  • She sets strict boundaries: uses social media only to post and for dog videos!
  • Her internal mantra: “Care less about what people think. Care more about having an impact.”
• Both agree: confidence rarely thrives on social media, but intentional usage and self-awareness helps.

6. Self-Doubt and Self-Trust Go Hand-in-Hand

• Nicole (42:20): Asks whether self-doubt can or should ever be fully eliminated.
• Dr. Zahrai (42:57):

  “95% of people experience self doubt. And it doesn't go away. … Those who truly succeed don't have to eliminate the doubt. Instead, they show up with big trust energy, detaching self doubt from their sense of who they are.”

• “When you show up with big trust energy, you can hear the doubt, you can acknowledge it, you can process it rationally, but you don't become it.” (46:44)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Nicole (03:12):

  “It's what I call the confidence con, and it's everywhere. And it scares the hell out of me. For us, for our daughters, for anyone trying to grow up in the algorithm era without losing their sense of self.”

• Dr. Zahrai (09:20) [on the scar experiment]:

  “They had created a reality not based on objective truth, but based on how they saw themselves.”

• Nicole (13:19):

  “Confidence is when you know who you are, own who you're not, and choose to embrace all of it.”

• Dr. Zahrai (19:23):

  “You can fundamentally change...within six weeks, and that was just with 10 minutes of effort a week.”

• Nicole (31:19):

  “...it chips away at and does damage to the trust that we have for and with ourselves in different ways. But at the end of the day, it's doing the same thing.”

• Dr. Zahrai (42:57):

  “Those who truly succeed don't have to eliminate the doubt.... instead, they show up with big trust energy.”

Practical Takeaways & Tips

• Big trust precedes confidence: Take action when you have self-trust, don’t wait to feel confident first.
• Accept setbacks as data, not identity: Failure doesn’t mean you are a failure.
• Practice intentional delay (44:05): Don’t say “yes” immediately—pause and reflect before committing.
• Change your posture, change your mood: “Opposite action”—expanding your physical posture to disrupt the self-doubt spiral (44:05).
• Use “care less, care more” mantra to interrupt people-pleasing habits online or offline (40:25).
• Doubt will always be present—learn to process it, don’t try to outrun or banish it.

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Redefining Confidence: 04:00–07:23
• Self-Image and Expectation Bias: 09:20
• Changing Self-Image: 14:21–19:23
• Five Confidence Derailers/Four Inner Deceivers: 22:22–33:50
• Social Media & Self-Trust: 36:44–42:20
• Self-Doubt & Big Trust Relationship: 42:20–47:06

Closing Tone

The episode is candid, motivational, and grounded in both research and real-world experience. Nicole and Dr. Zahrai balance humor, empathy, and practical wisdom, reminding listeners that true confidence is a dynamic process—not a product you can buy, but a muscle you grow through self-trust, action, and embracing your imperfect humanity.

“Trust isn’t what happens once you’ve arrived. Trust is how you get yourself where you want to go.”
– Nicole Kalil (47:45)