Podcast Summary: "Boundaries vs. Ultimatums with Jan & Jillian Yuhas | Episode 297"

Podcast Information:

• Title: This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
• Host: Nicole Kalil, Bleav
• Guests: Jan & Jillian Yuhas
• Episode Number: 297
• Release Date: April 7, 2025
• Description: In this episode, host Nicole Kalil delves into the nuanced differences between setting boundaries and issuing ultimatums. Joined by identical twin sisters and relationship experts Jan and Jillian Yuhas, the discussion offers valuable insights into effective communication and relationship management from a woman's perspective.

Introduction to Boundaries vs. Ultimatums

Nicole Kalil opens the episode by highlighting the common confusion between boundaries and ultimatums. She emphasizes that while boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, ultramatums often stem from emotional reactions and can inadvertently sabotage relationships.

“Sometimes we do mistake boundaries for ultimatums and we miscommunicate our boundaries in ways that don't serve us and unintentionally sabotage ourselves and our relationships.”
— Nicole Kalil [01:12]

Defining Boundaries and Ultimatums

Jan Juhas clarifies the fundamental differences between the two concepts. She explains that ultimatums are typically ego-driven, emotional, and come with conditional demands that can lead to resistance.

“Ultimatums come from the ego and they are more emotional... boundaries are more from a heart-centered perspective and we make it more about a we mindset, not a me mindset.”
— Jan Juhas [04:13]

Jillian Yuhas adds that boundaries strive to honor relationships and bridge differences, promoting harmony rather than imposing one’s will.

“We're bridging the gap between our differences so that way we maintain that harmony and can still interact and engage with each other.”
— Jillian Yuhas [05:45]

The Emotional Impact of Ultimatums

Nicole probes into how ultimatums can put others on the defensive, making effective communication challenging.

“When we do it in an ultimatum way... the other person is not even going to hear what we have to say because they're trying to protect themselves.”
— Nicole Kalil [06:54]

Jan Juhas concurs, emphasizing that ultimatums can breed distrust and disconnection within relationships.

“Ultimatums... are going to breed more distrust and disconnection in the relationship.”
— Jan Juhas [06:54]

Jillian Yuhas highlights the emotional shutdown that can occur when someone is faced with an ultimatum, making it difficult to communicate effectively.

“We might get anxious, we might emotionally shut down.”
— Jillian Yuhas [07:09]

Gender Perceptions in Boundary Setting

The discussion shifts to societal perceptions of women setting boundaries versus ultimatums. Jan notes that women may be unfairly labeled as dramatic when they assert boundaries, whereas men might be seen as simply being firm.

“Women might be seen as more emotionally reactive or dramatic... whereas masculine energy might be seen as him just putting his foot down.”
— Jan Juhas [08:09]

Jillian Yuhas points out that women often wait too long to set boundaries, leading to more emotional reactions when they finally do.

“Women stay silent too long... until they reach this threshold where they have to really say, enough.”
— Jillian Yuhas [09:38]

Integrating Emotions into Boundary Setting

Nicole raises a crucial question about managing emotions while setting boundaries without falling into emotional drama.

“How do we communicate our feelings without coming from the ego, emotional drama place?”
— Nicole Kalil [09:38]

Jan Juhas introduces the concept of differentiating between personal and professional boundaries, advocating for the use of "I" statements in personal relationships and a more detached approach in professional settings.

“If it's a personal relationship... I feel dismissed whenever my perspective's not being heard.”
— Jan Juhas [10:12]

Jillian Yuhas emphasizes focusing on values rather than emotions to maintain clarity and reduce defensiveness.

“Values are universally understood... we remove that ability for people to react emotionally.”
— Jillian Yuhas [14:10]

The ASAP Method for Setting Boundaries

Jan and Jillian introduce their four-step ASAP method for setting boundaries effectively:

1. Assess: Understand the root cause of the behavior without making assumptions.
2. Set: Clearly define the boundary based on shared values.
3. Agree: Develop a mutually beneficial plan to uphold the boundary.
4. Proceed with Accountability: Ensure the boundary is maintained and renegotiate if necessary.

“Our boundary badass method is a four-step method. It's the ASAP method.”
— Jan Juhas [19:16]

Step 1: Assess

Jan explains the importance of assessing behavior by asking open-ended discovery questions to understand the other person's perspective.

“How can we explore where this behavior is coming from...”
— Jan Juhas [19:16]

Step 2: Set

Setting boundaries involves articulating your values clearly without blaming the other person.

“We're setting the boundary on the value that you need to have met.”
— Jan Juhas [23:29]

Step 3: Agree

Jillian discusses negotiating a plan collaboratively, allowing both parties to contribute to the solution.

“You're giving the other person an opportunity to present ideas as well.”
— Jillian Yuhas [24:09]

Step 4: Proceed with Accountability

Ensuring accountability involves monitoring the boundary and being prepared to reset it if it's not respected.

“If someone reverts back to their old behaviors, we need to reinstate and reset the boundary.”
— Jan Juhas [25:41]

Setting Personal Boundaries

Nicole inquires about setting internal boundaries—those that involve self-regulation rather than communication with others.

“Any tips about setting and keeping a boundary with yourself?”
— Nicole Kalil [28:42]

Jillian Yuhas advises aligning personal boundaries with one’s core values to ensure consistency and personal integrity.

“Pick your top five values... that's your authentic truth.”
— Jillian Yuhas [28:43]

Timeliness in Communicating Boundaries

The guests stress the importance of communicating boundaries promptly to avoid misunderstandings and emotional explosions.

“Boundaries should be communicated as soon as possible.”
— Jillian Yuhas [30:37]

“If we stay silent... it eventually explodes like a volcano.”
— Jan Juhas [31:15]

Conclusion and Key Takeaways

Nicole wraps up the discussion by sharing personal examples and reinforcing the importance of clear communication and mutual respect in practicing boundaries.

“Practice staying true to yourself. Practice prioritizing what matters most... That is woman's work.”
— Nicole Kalil [33:00]

Jan and Jillian encourage continuous self-development and adapting boundaries as relationships evolve.

“If something's going on for five years, it doesn't mean you can't change that behavior...”
— Jan Juhas [32:33]

Key Takeaways:

• Boundaries vs. Ultimatums: Boundaries are about mutual respect and collaboration, whereas ultimatums are ego-driven and can harm relationships.
• Emotional Intelligence: Recognize and manage emotions to set boundaries effectively without falling into defensive or reactive patterns.
• ASAP Method: Utilize the Assess, Set, Agree, Proceed framework to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.
• Personal Alignment: Align personal boundaries with core values to ensure consistency and personal well-being.
• Timely Communication: Address boundary issues promptly to prevent escalation and maintain relationship health.

Learn More: For additional resources, visit 28Consultancy.com and consider reading Boundary Badass by Jan & Jillian Yuhas, available on Amazon or at local bookstores.