← This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
Courage, Confidence & “Just Keep Going” with Lynn Smith | 357
00:42:01
Confidence and courage aren’t personality traits—they’re skills you build by doing hard things on purpose. In this no-fluff convo with Lynn Smith, we unpack fear, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, and how to model real confidence for your kids while you just keep going.
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- [00:00]
Nicole Khalil
I don't know about you, but the women in my life We've got questions about our hormones, mood swings out of nowhere, weight gain that makes no sense, a sex drive that went MIA or really missing without action, wide awake at 3am, exhausted all day, and we refuse to accept that not feeling like yourself is just part of getting older. And yet no one knows where to actually get help. Enter hers. The process is simple and doesn't involve long waits or being dismissed in a cold exam room. You can start today by completing a medical intake online and a licensed provider trained in women's health will review your information and create your personalized treatment plan. You'll also get the HERS app and unlimited messaging with their care team. It should be simpler to access healthcare built around you and your unique needs. Whether you want to manage your perimenopause or menopause symptoms, lose weight, grow thicker, fuller hair, or find relief for anxiety, hers has women covered. Visit f o R-H-E-R s.com womanswork to get a personalized perimenopause treatment plan that's right for you. That's f o r h e-r s.com womanswork not available in all 50 states. Perimenopause and menopause by hers includes hormonal health support, educational resources, digital tools and prescription options if appropriate. Hormone replacement therapies are not FDA approved for the treatment of perimenopause but may be prescribed off label for perimenopausal symptoms at a provider. See website for full details, important safety information and restrictions.
- [01:36]
Lynn Smith
Adjective used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained, one who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly. They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive you notice an individual confident in their contradictions. They know the rules but behave as if they do not exist. The new fragrance by Miu Miu Defined.
- [02:02]
Nicole Khalil
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- [06:39]
Lynn Smith
What an intro.
- [06:40]
Nicole Khalil
Nicole.
- [06:40]
Lynn Smith
I'm excited.
- [06:42]
Nicole Khalil
Yay. I've definitely spe far too much time figuring out where to start, so I want to ask first this sort of intersection or correlation between a children's book and what's happening with adults. You say that the same fears that are stopping CEOs are the same fears that are stopping and showing up for kids. So what do you mean by that? Let's talk about how this is a lot of the same stuff.
- [07:05]
Lynn Smith
Well, I get hired by these Fortune 500 CEOs that are like, make me a great communicator because I stumble or I say a lot. So when I first went into it, I was giving them the tactical here's how you talk in sound bites, here's how you drill things down. But I found I wasn't getting the results I was looking for. And it's because I was treating their symptom, which was their communication, not the disease, which was their fears. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I forget everything and freeze? And that's what was causing them to not be clear, concise, and confident. So I began treating the fears and we started getting the results. Magnetic communication. And I realized this idea of perfectionism for adults, which is paralyzing in many cases, starts when we're young. Because think about, what do we teach kids? Be best at your sport. Get first place, get great grades, behave all of these things. We are literally breeding perfectionists. And so is it any wonder when they get to the boardroom, they're paralyzed by their fears. So why don't we start when we're young, understanding that fear is natural, that we can do something in spite of it? There are physical techniques like taking those deep breaths or jumping up and down, which happens in the scenes with Mouse and his friends, and putting one foot in front of the other. So imagine if we got this at 6 and not myself at 46, realizing these lessons along with my CEOs who are realizing it in the boardroom. Let's start in the classroom.
- [08:39]
Nicole Khalil
Yeah. Okay. So there are a handful of things. First, just a loving reminder that we all are facing these fears, right? It doesn't go away. I think sometimes we think that when you achieve a certain thing or make a certain level of income or, you know, get the promotion or have the perfectly behaved children or something is gonna come along and make all those fears go away. And it just doesn't work that way. We all are facing fears. Doesn't go away. So that's one thing that jumped out. The other thing is I identify what I call confidence derailers. There are five things that are chipping away at our confidence. Perfectionism is number one. The second is what I call head trash. And you call brain bully.
- [09:20]
Lynn Smith
Brain bully, yeah.
- [09:22]
Nicole Khalil
So I'm curious what you're telling people about their brain bully. How do you quiet that voice? How do you address it? We all have it. But let's talk about what you're telling people.
- [09:34]
Lynn Smith
We have it because we're wired that way. We're wired to beware of threats. It's just that we don't know that our keynote is not a threat. So our instinct is to think of and catastrophize all the things that could happen. I'm the most guilty of it. I share with people the story of the keynote that I bombed because everybody thinks, of course, I'd be great at public speaking because I was this news anchor, but I was paralyzed by imposter syndrome in public speaking. It's not my area of expertise. I look out at the sea of people, and they're all, like, looking down at their phones. And my brain bully is saying things like, they hate this. I'm not good at this. And it then feeds my mind the information that I'm in a threatening situation. So it does all the things that it would do to protect me, like give me shaky hands, sweaty palms. It is Literally doing its job to protect me. When I realized that, I decided I wanted to create a method so I could overcome my brain bully. And then when it worked for me, I was like, okay, I now can public speak because I follow this method. Let me see if it works for my executives. It worked for all of them. And I said, there's something here which is. Let's name what it is. Let's give it a name, externalize it from our own brain and say, this is not reality. This is just us feeding our brain thoughts that we have decided are true. Then let's reframe that thought and see if we get a different result. So Bob is my brain bully. When I named it because my son got a fish for Christmas and named him Bob. And I thought that was hysterical. So every time that voice comes in that says, lynn, you're going to have a bad keynote again, I stop and I say, Bob. And I reframe the thought to I know, and I've seen how this helps people. And then I say, bob, sit down. Watch this. And it's this shift in power. And it worked so well for me. It has worked for my executives. And I realized it's because our brain can be adjusted if we adjust the thought. And we know this through manifestation. We know this through all neuroscience now. But it's so powerful in order to push yourself to take that next step. And so I hope anyone that's listening to this. What's your brain bully? What's your brain bully's name? Name it today, and whenever it comes in, reframe the thought and tell it to sit down and watch this.
- [12:03]
Nicole Khalil
You know, it's funny. So name it is the first step that I talk about when I talk about head trash. And I've had a few other people who've come on neuroscience. This is. Sounds maybe a little silly, but it's so important, I think, because it helps to distinguish the voice from what we think it is, which is like our inner knowing or truth or fact or, you know, I think calling it what it is is so important because we interact with it differently at that point. So I call it head trash. And even sometimes that this is my head trash. That's just distinguishing it from my inner knowing or, you know, anything else. But I call mine Dick, short for Richard, for obvious reasons.
- [12:47]
Lynn Smith
I always love hearing people's brain bully names. They're so creat creative.
- [12:52]
Nicole Khalil
It's fun. Okay, you. Your book Just Keep Going is technically a children's book, but I do think that adults need it as much as anyone, I want to start by asking, what lessons from the book do you think that we most need to hear or that we've forgotten as grownups?
- [13:10]
Lynn Smith
So I was going through a really hard time in my life in my early 30s and I had a great friend from college that just texted me, just keep going. It wasn't, you're going to be okay. It wasn't, everything's going to work out, which is our instinct when we're trying to comfort friends. It's sometimes putting one foot in front of the other, taking it minute by minute or hour by hour or day by day is all we can do. And right now does this not feel more relevant than ever? Because we are in such an uncontrollable world, yet we have the controllability of one factor, which is the ability to just keep going. And I've had to call on these three words in my own life since I was sent them time and time again. And even in the writing of this book, which was rejected over and over and over again. And as I'm now launching it into the world and I'm doubting myself and my brain, bullies rampant because I'm doing something I've never done before. I can only control about just keep going. So I hope every parent that is reading this story to their child at night remembers this one story. My son who's six came home and he was like mom, I need to bring your book to class. And I was like, why? What's going on? And he said, well George is scared cause he just started a new school and I think he needs this book. And so you're either the mouse that needs the reminder to just keep going or, or you're the friends in the book like the owl or the deer or the bird that reminds our friends, just put one foot in front of the other, take a deep breath. When you have big feelings, jump up and down to get those blood flow and your body working again because it feels so paralyzed. And those physical techniques that I use in coaching executives, I put into a version that a six year old could comprehend. And so as you read it together, you can begin a conversation with your children about what it means to be brave, what it means to have courage, what it means to fear failure and doing it anyway. And all these lessons that we know we need to learn as adults. Let's teach em to our kids and start that conversation early.
- [15:23]
Nicole Khalil
So yes, teach em to our kids, but I think really model it for our kids. I have this belief that we all Learn best via experience and observation. Yes. Adults, but kids too. And my biggest concern is that we as parents are trying to tell our children how to be confident, how to be brave, how to be courageous. And telling doesn't work for most people, for the most part. If we really want to instill this in our children, yes, we need to help them figure out environments where they can practice it for themselves. But I think we gotta demonstrate it, like, as often as possible. And. Okay, so as you were talking, I wrote down like six different notes. So I'm gonna take this in a lot of different directions, so bear with me. First, you'd said at the very beginning, we have this tendency to want to comfort the people we love, our friends, the people around us in certain ways. We see this on social media, like somebody's having a rough time or. And it's like the feed is always like, you're beautiful, you're amazing.
- [16:31]
Lynn Smith
Just make it go away.
- [16:32]
Nicole Khalil
Right? Yeah, we like. Or it's gonna all be okay. It's all gonna work out. You got this. And I'm not saying not to encourage people, and I'm not saying that this is bad or that you're doing something wrong. I just think we can do better. And why Our inclination is always to step out of the discomfort and polish it up. And I. I don't know. Sometimes when you're in it, it's the person who's like, I have no fucking clue what's gonna happen. Just keep going. Right?
- [17:02]
Lynn Smith
Yes.
- [17:02]
Nicole Khalil
Or, God, I don't. This might be a fucking disaster. But I believe in you. Right? Like, or whatever it is. What are your thoughts on that?
- [17:11]
Lynn Smith
I think that I've had to coach myself into that mindset. And then I try and, like you say, mirror that for my kids. I've experienced so much disappointment. Everyone sees a shiny resume, right. Of all these networks I worked at and all of that. I can't tell you how many times I failed. Way more than I ever succeeded. I just had. I posted this on social media. I just had the TEDx that I had booked in Reno and they. Their funding fell out, so they had to cancel the whole event. It was a dream of mine. And that disappointment, we have this toxic positivity where it's like, it's all going to be okay. Da, da, da. It's like, no. Sometimes you just sit in the disappointment and say, this freaking sucks. And now what? I'm going to just keep going. I'm going to put together the email to the next organized event that says, I have A polished talk. I'm going to put one front foot in front of the other. That's all we can do. And this idea of you're going to be all right, you're so wonderful, it's okay, everything, it doesn't help anything. We know that.
- [18:17]
Nicole Khalil
Yeah.
- [18:17]
Lynn Smith
And so I've had to remind myself this isn't something that all of a sudden like, woo, woo, poof, we're cured. We don't do this anymore. Every time it happens. A great disappointment just happened recently. A great disappointment where I have to stop and say, you can't control this. What can you control? You can control what you do with this and you can put one foot in front of the other and keep going. And it gets me to where I want to be. And I think everyone right now is has some version of that canceled TEDx or failed relationship or insert whatever it is that they're going through. And my hope is that this gives you that piece of comfort that I know everything will be okay.
- [19:02]
Nicole Khalil
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- [20:26]
Lynn Smith
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- [21:18]
Nicole Khalil
It reminds me of this thing that I've been working through in my brain. I haven't quite figured out how to articulate it yet, but I talk about confidence a lot and I think the underlying belief that a lot of people have is if I do something confidently or if I'm confident, then the outcomes will all work. Like if I just choose confidence, then I will get exactly what I want. And it doesn't work that way. You can do something with all of the confidence in the world, with authentic trust in self, and still have it fail, still have it be an absolute disaster. I often say confidence isn't that it's gonna work out. Confidence is I trust that I'll be okay no matter what.
- [22:01]
Lynn Smith
I love that you just said that. Because I I describe confidence as the belief that you can do anything despite any circumstances. Meaning you're going to do it even knowing that you might fail at it because you know that you'll be able to keep going and eventually get to your success. Right? Arrogance is just thinking that you're good at everything. Because I get a lot of people that say to me, well, if I don't, I don't want to be too confident. I don't want to come across as arrogant. Confidence is not just showing up and being like, huh, it's doing the thing even though you know it might not work out. And again, have had to remind my own self of that as I launch a book into this world and your expectations are, you know, hitting the New York Times bestselling list the first week. And the reminder, and let's really geek out on what I've shifted in my own mindset is the universe. If you have this trust and belief that you've done all that you could to birth this baby, and the universe will do it in good Time, the right thing that trust is what gets to successes. There is this level of energy that you put out that things will meet you at. And that's something that I'm really trying to get myself reminded of. And so I don't want it to seem like I'm this confident person that never has those thoughts. We're all human. It's what do we do with them when they happen?
- [23:30]
Nicole Khalil
Okay, so I'm gonna just. Again, handful of things buzzing through my head first. I'm glad you made the distinction between arrogance. I think there is so much misinterpretation, misuse of confidence that we don't even know what it is that we're talking about anymore. And a lot of times we call arrogance or ego confidence, but that's not what that is. I always say arrogance is when you think you're better than somebody else. Insecurity is when you feel less than confidence is not needing to compare yourself to anyone at all. Right. Like, there's that distinction. And let's just talk about for a hot second what a mind fuck it is to write a book about confidence. There's this pressure to, like, feel or demonstrate it all the time. And confidence is only ever always a journey. The only people who feel 100% confident 100% of the time are narcissists and people who are lying to themselves and others. And we don't.
- [24:21]
Lynn Smith
We literally are talk about the same things. Because I say the only people that don't have brain bullies are narcissists and sociopaths because their brains are wired differently. So if you have a brain bully, just pat yourself on the back because it means that you're actually a normal human being.
- [24:33]
Nicole Khalil
Yes. Thank God, right?
- [24:36]
Lynn Smith
Thank God. Yes. If I didn't have a brain bully, Nicole, you should not have me on this show.
- [24:41]
Nicole Khalil
Right. And we're seeing a lot of people out there who. And out there, I mean, like on the medias, who, if they have a brain bully, are not acknowledging it. And we see a lot of arrogance and ego, and it's just unfortunate. I'm curious your thoughts on this. Just keep going is phenomenal advice. And sometimes quitting something or someone is the bravest, most courageous, most confident thing any of us can do. How do we know when to just keep going and when quitting is the best right thing to do?
- [25:25]
Lynn Smith
Yeah, that's such a great question. I have quit a number of things in my life that I equate to not quitting. It is releasing of the energy that does not serve the Greater purpose of what I want to do with my life. And that's the distinction. I think that when we use the word quit, there's this negative connotation to it because we associate it with what we thought as kids. You never quit, you never give up. So it's a different use of the word. In the book, we talk about Mouse being scared because he's afraid he might fail, and so he wants to quit. And his friends remind him just keep going. That's because quitting is you believing that something might not work out. And so instead of quitting, it is believing that you are who you surround yourself with and what you surround yourself with. And if that inner gut is telling you that this does not serve the place that you want to be, you have to eliminate that energy altogether. There's no even halfway foot in the door. So have you ever had a really toxic relationship that you have completely cut out of your life? I have, yes. Many a toxic business environment I have. That is not quitting. That is choosing the energy you surround yourself with. Because we know, and I talk a lot about energy, and I hope that it doesn't resonate like a woo woo thing. This is all frequency neuroscience. Things that I'm sure you've had guests on the show that's proven rather than just, I believe in crystals and all of these things. Yeah, we are the frequency we vibrate at, and that's the world and the, the. The field that comes to us. So if we're vibrating at this amazing high frequency, things are coming to us. They're. They're being attracted in the universe's right time. If we're free frequencing at this really low level because of the people that are around us, because we're not being genuine, because we're allowing people to suck our energy. That's the universe that you'll live in. And cutting those people out is not quitting. It's protecting. It's protecting yourself and your energy.
- [27:34]
Nicole Khalil
I'm thinking out loud, this is a very unpolished thought. But I sometimes wonder if fear is the breadcrumb that helps us to distinguish whether or not we keep going or whether or not it's time to let go of energy or quit or give up on something. Meaning I've stayed in past relationships for far too long. And I told myself at the time that it aligned with what I wanted. I thought I wanted this person or I wanted this relationship or whatever. So there was an element of, like, desire that I was making these decisions from. But staying was significantly less scary than leaving was. And I just wonder if I would have been really honest with myself if I would have gone the path of acknowledging when it requires me to be brave, when it requires me to be courageous. That's probably a better insight into, like, we are taught to avoid fear, right? But if we lean into it, it is probably a better guide or a better breadcrumb of the direction we really should be choosing. Thoughts?
- [28:48]
Lynn Smith
I. Actually, in the book, fear is not the enemy. In the book, fear is just existing. We don't want to avoid fear. I think what you're saying is, is that fear is this sort of barometer for us to determine whether or not something is safe. And I. And I say to the children as I'm reading it, you know, being brave is doing something even though you're scared as long as it's safe. And as adults, when we have that instinct, that fear, can we ask ourselves, is it a fear of failure? Or is it a fear of. Of what the consequence of that leaving a toxic relationship would look like, starting over, being alone again, all of those things. If you can ask yourself that question, is it because you're afraid to fail and it might not work out, or are you afraid of the hard times you're gonna have to go through to recover from that decision? You can distinguish between whether or not it's the right choice to make.
- [29:48]
Nicole Khalil
Yeah. All right. You know, I said earlier, I think arrogance and ego are often mistaken for confidence. And I do think sometimes courage and bravery are sometimes mistaken for confidence. And my belief is that there are two different things, but one fuels or feeds the other. Or, like, there's like. If you think of overlapping circles, the ideal place to be is where you have both. Right. But from your perspective, how do confidence and courage fuel or feed each other? Can somebody be brave without feeling confident and vice versa? What are your thoughts?
- [30:24]
Lynn Smith
I think that it is ever changing. It is a roller coaster. One day you wake up and you feel super confident, and the next day. And I've experienced it in just the process of releasing this book to the world, where I've woken up and I'm like, we did it. It's out there. We did this. It took me six years to write, sell, and publish this book. And I tell that story to children. I ask them, how long do you think it took to make this book? And they'll say, a day or a week? And I'll say, six years. And do you know why? Because I just kept going. Even when people told me no, even when I would wake up and be like, maybe I should quit this. Maybe I'm not good at this. But I just kept going. And it's the only reason that we're here. And so in those days where I don't have that feeling of confidence, I let that be as well. Because we cannot always, to your point, be this, like, confident, bubbly, I'm on top of the world person. It's not realistic. And there's gifts in the days where you are searching for your courage because you're coaching yourself back into that place that you know you succeed most in, but you realize that human element that we. We don't have the control over exists, and that's okay too. And then instead of when our children are disappointed, saying, how can I fix this? Not invited to a birthday party, calling up the parents, being like, fix this. Make, Make. Invite them.
- [31:57]
Nicole Khalil
Yeah.
- [31:57]
Lynn Smith
Saying instead, that must be really disappointing. Ugh, that must feel terrible. And it's just the acknowledgement of the feeling that your children want. They don't want everything to be made better, because then what's that? Setting them up for a world that they can't even live in? Because that's not the way the real world's gonna work.
- [32:17]
Nicole Khalil
Right?
- [32:17]
Lynn Smith
So how can we parent ourselves when we have that disappointment and just say, ugh, that sucks. That's okay. Yeah, it's gonna suck.
- [32:27]
Nicole Khalil
Yeah. My daughter tried out for, like, a travel basketball team and didn't make it. And every instinct as a parent. And by the way, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination a parenting expert. I'm not even sure I'm doing it well half the time. Right. But she didn't make the team. And every instinct as a parent was to call and find out why. Or parents, friends were like, I can't believe she didn't.
- [32:50]
Lynn Smith
She should have.
- [32:51]
Nicole Khalil
You know, And I went to her. We went to her, my husband and I, and. And we're like, gosh, how do you feel? Like, do you. And she was like, yeah, you know, it sucks. But she got over it faster than I would have even thought. Like, she was fine. A few hours later, no big deal. She was a little bit bummed, but she came up with the strategy of doing the rec league version instead. And she ended up being one of the better players on her rec league team. And it was such a confidence boost for her to step into more of a leadership role. Whereas she would have made the travel team, she probably would have sat on the bench most of the time. Either way, anyway, the opportunity would have Been to figure out her way and to learn and grow and all of that from that. But my point is, we're so quick to want to fix. We're so quick to want to not have our children feel fear or pain or sadness or anything, and we're doing them such a disservice. It's through those things that confidence gets built.
- [33:52]
Lynn Smith
It's so funny that you say that. My son went to sleepaway camp for the first time, and I was just so worried because he didn't know anyone. And I was like, maybe I should call a friend and try and get a friend there. And my husband was like, lynn, he's gonna gain so much confidence by being in such an uncomfortable situation. I was like, wait a second. I'm the confidence coach here. I'm the one. But it's my parental instinct to want to have him be happy and go there and have a friend and a buddy. And let me tell you, he showed up in that cabin, knew not a single kid, and within 30 seconds, identified four kids in his cabin that he just vibed with. And he was like, okay, bye, Mom. And they just ran off. And I looked at my husband, and I was like, this is going to be the greatest gift we ever give him.
- [34:35]
Nicole Khalil
Yeah.
- [34:36]
Lynn Smith
Is the feeling of discomfort that he's going to experience time and time again in his life. And if you're equipped to understand how to live in discomfort and get through it and push through it, you will be a successful adult. There's no question about that. So why. And it's our parental instinct, but why wouldn't we want to continuously say to our kids, that's so disappointing, isn't it? Yeah, that's hard. And it's life. That's what's gonna happen. So what are you gonna do with that? And I got cut from every single team that I tried out for in the seventh grade. And when my son got cut from the team, I told him this story to your point to being a mirror for kids. And I said, honey, I got cut from every single team in the seventh grade. And I called up my friends that made the teams, and I congratulated them. And then I got to work, and I went to camps during the summer and all the things. And I worked so hard until I was able to make the team. I didn't give up. I kept pushing. And that's what sticks with our children, is hearing that we've failed over and over and over again, and we've learned from it. That's what I hope comes from this book from my own parenting strategies and in what I do in my work.
- [35:54]
Nicole Khalil
Yeah, so it's interesting that you bring up that example because we sent our daughter to a two week sleepover camp over the summer and the first couple days we were getting notes home like, please come pick me up, I don't wanna be here. She was super homesick. And I knew as a parent that the right thing to do was to keep her there and, you know, she'll be okay, let her work through this. And like, five days in she's still saying the same thing and she's not sleeping. And like, it was this really challenging thing to figure out as a parent. And ultimately we ended up picking her up after eight days so early. And I still don't know if it was the right thing to do or not. But here's what I do know is I have confidence as firm and bold, trust in self. And when we talked to her, we said, you know, just take it one day at a time, do your best, just keep going, right? And at some point I said, listen, you give it a day and if you still feel the same way tomorrow, we'll come and get you and we'll just take it one day at a time. And if the next day you will come and get you like. And it was a little bit of I have confidence is firm and bold, trust in self. And at some point I had to teach her to trust herself and to decide for herself and to know that whatever it was, if this was, and I put in air quotes, a failure, that she's going to learn and grow from that failure. And we talked about it on the way home and several days since, what we learned, what we would have done differently. And it's just, I go back to parenting is freaking hard. There is no right answer. And a lot of it involves doing the thing that your instinct tells you not to do. And I told her too, listen, this is our first time being a parent too. This is our first time sending our kid away to sleepover camp. We don't know the right thing, we don't have the right answer. So we're doing our best and at some point we had to listen to her. So it's just a weird. You can look at the exact same thing and have different perspectives, different answers, different what's right for one kid isn't. But it is really interesting how the confidence, teaching confidence or demonstrating confidence often goes against that initial instinct as a parent.
- [38:11]
Lynn Smith
And you nailed it in the sense that there is no right answer.
- [38:15]
Nicole Khalil
There's no.
- [38:17]
Lynn Smith
If I. If my son had been writing home every single day how he was so homesick and needed to come home, I would probably have done the exact same thing. And I think what you taught her was that you also just learned how to help yourself, because this wasn't an environment you, maybe you were ready for. And sleepaway camp isn't for everybody. And that's okay. It happened to be a great experience for my son. But if it's not the right time or they're not emotionally equipped yet for that separation, that's okay, too. That's not a failure on anyone's part. And the great thing is that she advocated for herself and really understood that she wasn't able to handle that quite yet. And I think there's a gift in that, too. That's being brave, that's being courageous. And so when we search for these right answers as parents, which none of us have, and even the parenting experts don't have it, the doctors don't have it, all of that right when we are searching for that, and if it's hard for us, then it means we're doing something right. It's the ones that don't care. It's the ones that are like, figure it out. It's the ones that aren't invested in whether or not we are taking the right steps, but it's those conversations that we're having afterwards. It's that that's what's shaping them. And when we are making these hard choices as parents, we're also being brave and courageous and confident because we have to know that we know our kids best, and we're making the best decision based on the information we have. Which is exactly what you did.
- [39:50]
Nicole Khalil
Yes. So my last question, and I know we're real tight on time here, but I have to ask, in your book, you talk about being brave isn't something that you are, it's something that you do. Why make that distinction? What does that mean?
- [40:04]
Lynn Smith
I think people think that some people are just born confident. Some people are just born courageous or brave. It's not that we're born that way. It's we make the choice to put one foot in front of the other and to just keep going. So the beauty in that is that we have the ability. It's that we just have to tap into the ability and make the choice. So it's this relief that, no, you don't just come out of the womb a Taylor Swift that just exudes charisma and confidence. It is a hundred percent a learned skill. And the great news in that is that anyone can get to that point if you put in that work. And that's why I really wanted to distinguish. You aren't just brave because you were born that way. It's because you're making the choice to be that way.
- [40:51]
Nicole Khalil
Yes. All right. The book for your children and for you is Just Keep Going. It's available on Amazon or wherever you buy books. Have your local bookstore get it. Let's keep them in business. And Lynn also has a confidence quiz on her website. So if you go to LynnSmith.com forward/quiz, you can take the confidence quiz for yourself. By the way, I also have a confidence quiz on my website which helps you identify which of the confidence derailers is impacting you most right now. So maybe the two quizzes together will really help you. But Lynn, thank you for geeking out with me and talking about this topic that I could talk about for days on and for writing this book and for your wisdom today.
- [41:34]
Lynn Smith
Thank you so much for having me, Nicole, and the incredible work that you do with women that listen to this podcast and need these reminders every single day. So thank you for having me.
- [41:44]
Nicole Khalil
It's my pleasure. All right, friend. Confidence isn't something you have or don't have. It's not biological, not a personality trait, not something someone can give you or take away. It's a skill. Skill. And like any skill worth having, it takes a whole lot of practice and repetition to develop. The good news is courage builds confidence and confidence fuels courage, which means every time you show up scared and do it anyway, you're strengthening both. And if you truly care about your kids confidence, and I know that you do, like the oxygen mask, you'll need to work on putting it on yourself first, because they're watching. They learn confidence the same way they learn everything else, through experience and by seeing it in action. When they see you handle fear, recover from mistakes, or just keep going after a rejection, they will learn to do the same. You don't fake it till you make it. You choose it until you become it. Choose confidence moment by moment, if you have to, until the feeling catches up. And because I can't say it any better than Lynn did, let's just leave it at this. Brave isn't something you are, it's something you do. And that is woman's work.