Podcast Summary

This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil

Episode 387: Do I Matter? The Mattering Instinct with Rebecca Newberger Goldstein
Release Date: February 11, 2026

Overview

In this thought-provoking episode, Nicole Kalil welcomes philosopher and author Rebecca Newberger Goldstein for a deep exploration of the “mattering instinct”—the idea that the need to feel one’s significance is more foundational than the need for happiness. Together, they unpack why we’re wired for mattering, how that drive can bring both unity and division, the meaning and etymology of the word “matter,” what a “mattering project” is, and how women (and everyone) can authentically answer the question, “Do I matter?” The conversation challenges societal expectations, redefines “woman’s work,” and offers practical wisdom for anyone wrestling with their sense of purpose and impact.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Paradox and Universality of Wanting to Matter

• Nicole sets the stage with the paradox: If we zoom out, are any of us significant in the grand scheme, and if not, why do we crave to matter so intensely?
  • "If you zoom way out, it's easy to argue that most of us don't matter all that much. ...And yet, zoom back in...we matter. With absolution, we shape lives, we change outcomes, we influence the future..." (01:13)
• Rebecca reframes "happiness" versus "mattering":
  • Happiness is fleeting; the need to matter is deeper, tied to how we justify our lives to ourselves. (03:55)
  • Quote: “The longing to matter is...very tied in with that second form of happiness. Because one of the things that goes into our assessment of how well we're living our lives is how well we're meeting this longing to matter, to live a life that we can justify to ourselves.” (04:53)

The Layers and Diversity of Mattering

• Our longing to matter is individual, but the ways we fulfill it are diverse—sometimes leading to conflict and division.
  • “It's the great diversity we bring to bear. We share this longing, but...the way we try to respond to it, to appease it...can brew among us very deep divisions, you know, not just the religious, secular, but all sorts of divisions." (07:26)
• Judgment and comparison arise from insecurity about our own mattering.
  • “Sometimes when somebody's version is different, we try to double down on our own and fight for our own. And that's where we're creating this division and this ‘I'm right and you're wrong and I matter and you don't.’” (08:48)

The Word "Matter"—Etymology and Meaning

• Rebecca shares a fascinating history of the word "matter," linking it to gender bias in philosophy's origins:
  • "The very word for the stuff of the universe comes from this false belief about women. The belief, in fact, that women matter less than men is built into the very word we use for the stuff of the universe." (13:17)
• "To matter" means “to be deserving of attention,” yet who defines ‘deserving’ is complicated (10:05).

Mattering Projects: The Role of Purpose in Our Lives

• A "mattering project" is a long-range, often never-completed endeavor that gives life purpose beyond fleeting happiness.
  • “We all have these sort of long range projects, they're sort of never really finished because they are really what make us engaged with our life. ... People who don't have this...suffer from depression. And the most characteristic statement of depression is ‘I don't matter.’” (14:58)
• These projects are highly personal and need not fit conventional molds (15:50).

Multiple Mattering Projects

• Most people have more than one avenue through which they experience mattering—family, work, creative pursuits, community, etc.
  • "Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like we can and probably will have multiple mattering projects." (18:47)
• The intersection between connectedness (relationships) and mattering projects varies by person. (19:08)

Breadcrumbs to Discovering Your Mattering

• Nicole likens our mattering themes to "breadcrumbs" or throughlines in life:
  • “If you think about all the ways you feel you matter...there may be some commonalities that give you some hints or some direction in what this overarching mattering project might be.” (20:06)
• Rebecca agrees, emphasizing the radical diversity in how we answer the longing to matter (20:43).

Escaping the Comparison Trap and Competitive Mattering

• Rebecca addresses how some approach mattering as a zero-sum game:
  • "Some people, I have found, really think of mattering competitively. ... They think of mattering in zero sum terms like it's a pie—if that person gets a big piece of it, there's less of it for me.” (24:12)
• But for most, the person we most need to justify our own mattering to is ourselves, not society.
  • “We are actually trying to justify ourselves to ourselves... That's very deep. And I think it's what we're gesturing towards when we talk about the intrinsic dignity of human life.” (23:52)
• Seek the environments and communities that nurture your sense of mattering (25:50).

Mattering and Gender: Undoing Outdated Scripts

• Nicole addresses pressures on women to matter through usefulness, nurturing, or productivity—roles often socially conditioned.
• Rebecca shares the story of William James and his sister Alice, highlighting how societal expectations curtailed her avenues for mattering, with tragic results (28:46–31:37).
• “There’s no one answer fits all. There’s certainly no one answer fits all women.” (31:37)

Universal Worth and the Call to Create

• On being asked “Do I matter?” Rebecca responds with clarity and compassion:
  • “You do. I mean, you do. Every human, you know, I mean, matters ... We all need a project, a mattering project that gets us out of bed in the morning and onto doing what feels productive and creative and beautiful to do. ... Beauty is such a signal for tending your garden. This might be what you are meant to do. This might be where the joy comes out." (32:59–34:10)

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “We are creatures of matter who long to matter.” (Rebecca, 10:45)
• “The most characteristic statement of depression is ‘I don't matter. I might as well not have shown up for my life for all the difference I make.’” (Rebecca, 15:36)
• "Ultimately who we need to matter to is ourselves might be the most powerful thing I've ever heard on this show." (Nicole, 27:11)
• "It's a sad thing in our species that one half of the population was for millennia cut off from the full potential of being human." (Rebecca, 32:20)
• “You matter because you’re here, because you shape the world through how you live, lead and relate. ... You are a creature of matter who longs to matter. So you matter. Full stop. End of discussion.” (Nicole, 34:42)

Timestamps of Key Segments

• 01:13 — Nicole on the paradox of mattering
• 03:55 — Rebecca frames mattering vs. happiness
• 07:26 — The diversity and divisiveness of mattering
• 10:05 — Etymology of “to matter”
• 13:17 — Philosophy’s gender bias in “matter”
• 14:58 — "Mattering projects" defined
• 18:47 — Multiple mattering projects in life
• 20:06 — Breadcrumbs to your purpose
• 23:52 — Intrinsic dignity and self-justification
• 24:12 — Competitive vs. intrinsic mattering
• 27:11 — Mattering as an internal proposition
• 28:46–31:37 — Gender, societal scripts, and the tragedy of Alice James
• 32:59 — "Do I matter?"—Rebecca's response
• 34:42 — Nicole’s closing words on universal mattering

Tone and Language

The conversation is philosophical yet warm, deeply thoughtful but accessible, with both women showing vulnerability and conviction. Nicole blends encouragement and challenge, creating space for self-inquiry, while Rebecca brings in rigorous intellect, historical context, and compassion.

Final Takeaway

Everyone longs to matter—and everyone does. True mattering is discovered not through external validation, comparison, or competition, but through finding and pursuing “mattering projects” that resonate personally, ethically, and creatively. For women, and people of all genders, this is a call to shed the “shoulds” of society, define mattering on our own terms, and embrace both our humble and profound capacity to influence the world.