Podcast Summary

This Is Woman’s Work with Nicole Kalil

Episode: Emotional Fitness for Real Life with Dr. Emily Anhalt | #371
Date: December 17, 2025
Host: Nicole Kalil
Guest: Dr. Emily Anhalt, clinical psychologist, keynote speaker, author (“Flex Your Feelings”), and co-founder of KOA – The Gym for Mental Health

Main Theme & Purpose

This episode centers on redefining “woman’s work,” expanding the concept to include emotional fitness as an ongoing, proactive practice akin to physical health. Dr. Emily Anhalt breaks down the core traits of emotional fitness, how to strengthen these “emotional muscles,” and practical advice for facing discomfort, setting boundaries, seeking feedback, and building confidence in real life—not just theory.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Emotional Fitness

• Proactive, Ongoing Practice:
  • “When I say emotional fitness, what I'm talking about is a proactive, ongoing practice to strengthen your mental and emotional health. So just like physical fitness strengthens your physical health, emotional fitness will make you more emotionally strong and ready to face the inevitable difficulties that life will throw us.” – Dr. Emily Anhalt [03:49]
• It’s a lifelong pursuit—not a finish line or single achievement.

2. The Seven Traits of Emotional Fitness

Dr. Anhalt’s research uncovered seven core traits, synthesizing interviews with 100 psychologists & 100 entrepreneurs:

1. Mindfulness:
   • “Becoming more comfortable being uncomfortable.” The foundation, as change and growth require stepping into discomfort.
2. Curiosity:
   • Choosing growth over defensiveness—committing to lifelong learning.
3. Self-Awareness:
   • Understanding your emotional triggers, strengths, and biases.
4. Resilience:
   • “Bouncing forward through setbacks and failures.” Growth transforms you; you don’t return unchanged.
5. Empathy:
   • Allowing yourself to feel with others—combined with healthy boundaries.
6. Communication:
   • “Putting words to your needs and expectations and boundaries. It's about knowing how to listen.”
7. Playfulness:
   • “Being a ‘yes, and’ person.” Fostering deeper connections, avoiding rigid or black-and-white thinking, and enjoying the journey.
     [06:33–08:05]

3. Empathy and Boundaries: Not Mutually Exclusive

• Many women struggle with over-empathy—self-sacrifice leading to exhaustion and resentment.
• “Empathy and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. They're actually very dependent on each other. The more you learn to communicate and uphold your boundaries, the more empathetic you can be without it draining you.” – Dr. Emily Anhalt [09:28]
• Empathy practiced without boundaries is unsustainable.

4. Where to Start: Mindfulness & Discomfort

• Start with identifying situations that make you uniquely uncomfortable, then explore how you avoid these and at what cost.
• “Every single thing that you want in life lives on the other side of some kind of discomfort.” – Dr. Emily Anhalt [11:32]
• Practical prompts:
  • What specific discomfort do you avoid most?
  • What is the cost (to you and others) of this avoidance?
  • What’s one small step you can take toward facing it?
    [12:30–13:52]

5. “I’ll Take Care of Me for You If You’ll Take Care of You for Me”

• Shift relationship frameworks from codependence (“I’ll take care of you if you take care of me”) to grounded self-agency and mutual support.
• “A healthier approach is, ‘I'll take care of me for you if you'll take care of you for me.’ [15:08]
• Establish regular, proactive check-ins in relationships before problems arise (Nicole’s “family forecasting meetings”). [16:06]

6. Emotional Push-Ups: The Mental Reps

• An “emotional pushup” is a small action nudging you slightly outside your comfort zone—such as asking for feedback, saying no, or apologizing.
• “An emotional pushup is any small emotional exertion that puts you just a little outside of your comfort zone so you can grow.” – Dr. Emily Anhalt [19:23]
• Feedback Exercise:
  Ask someone you trust:
  “What is one thing I’m doing well in this relationship, and what is one thing I could do 10% better?”
  [21:37–25:53]
• Make this a regular practice, rotating people and roles.

Notable Quote

• “Does the positive feedback actually make you more uncomfortable than the negative?” [22:20]
• “Curiosity in moving past your defensiveness is asking questions. So if you get something back that doesn’t resonate, instead of telling them that they’re wrong, ask: ‘Can you help me understand this better?’” [25:08]

7. Handling Defensiveness in Feedback

• It’s natural to get defensive. Give yourself time to process, then ask:
  • What am I feeling about this right now?
  • What would it mean if it were true?
  • What would it mean if it weren’t true?
    [23:07–24:32]

8. Dealing with Anxiety & Uncertainty: Trusting Your Future Self

• Personal Story: When faced with her mother’s medical crisis, Emily was told,
  • “The version of you that will handle that terrible thing, if and when it happens, will be born into existence in that moment... Trust your future self to handle future problems.” [26:51–28:57]
• This mantra anchors Nicole’s definition of confidence as “firm and bold trust in self.”
• Confidence isn’t certainty—it’s trusting without knowing.

9. Emotional Fitness vs. Physical Fitness: Are They Intertwined?

• There’s a mind-body connection, but building emotional strength doesn’t require marathons or triathlons.
• “Physical strength is a much less stigmatized type of discomfort... The reason I wrote my book is that I wanted there to be a playbook for how you can work on your mental and emotional health in that same kind of step by step way without feeling like you have to go run a marathon to do it.” – Dr. Emily Anhalt [31:33]
• Emotional fitness can look very different for each person; risk-taking, therapy, or tough conversations can be your “marathon.” No one-size-fits-all.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Emotional Fitness as Practice:

  • “You wouldn’t do one boot camp and then say, okay, good, I’m good... emotional fitness is a daily practice. It is a moving target.” – Dr. Emily Anhalt [04:48]

• On Boundaries and Empathy:

  • “Empathy is not an endless well, and we have to take care of ourselves in order to show up for other people.” – Dr. Emily Anhalt [10:47]

• On Building Strong Relationships:

  • “Let’s not wait until shit hits the fan to work on things.” – Nicole Kalil [16:06]

• On Feedback:

  • “Feedback gives us insight into the person giving the feedback as well as the person getting it.” – Nicole Kalil [24:32]

• On Trusting Yourself:

  • “Future me is a badass. She will figure it out. All I need to do is focus on what’s true right now and what’s in my control right now.” – Dr. Emily Anhalt [28:57]

• On Individual Paths:

  • “Health of any kind is not one-size-fits-all... Anything that you think, ‘this would be good for me and I normally avoid it—but today I’m going to try not to,’ that’s the work.” – Dr. Emily Anhalt [35:03]

Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------| | 03:49 | Definition of Emotional Fitness | | 06:33 | The Seven Traits Overview | | 09:28 | Empathy and Boundaries | | 11:32 | Where to Start – Facing Discomfort | | 15:08 | Relationship Agreements: Self-Care Framework | | 19:23 | Emotional Push-Ups Explained | | 22:20 | Feedback Exercise in Practice | | 23:07 | Handling Defensiveness and Feedback | | 26:51 | Trust Your Future Self (Anxiety and Uncertainty) | | 31:33 | Emotional vs. Physical Fitness | | 35:03 | Individual Paths and Emotional Fitness |

Takeaways & Final Thoughts

• Emotional fitness is as important (and requires as much ongoing investment) as physical health.
• Growth and healing require discomfort; avoidance cripples progress.
• You don’t need to run marathons to “prove” resilience—show up, risk emotional discomfort, and establish meaningful boundaries.
• Regular check-ins (with yourself and others) and open feedback loops build self-awareness and relational strength.
• Trust your future self to handle what’s next; you do not need all the answers now.
• Emotional fitness is unique—find your reps, your “emotional pushups,” and practice daily.

Additional Resources

• Dr. Emily Anhalt: Website
• Book: Flex Your Feelings (available wherever books are sold; support local bookstores)
• KOA – The Gym for Mental Health: Link
• Follow Dr. Anhalt on social media (links in show notes)

Episode’s closing message:
Nicole encourages listeners not to treat mental and emotional health as an afterthought—practice your emotional pushups and flex your feelings.
“That work—strengthening our emotional muscles, rewriting the rules of what it means to be strong—all of that is woman’s work.” [36:35]

This summary captures the episode’s core messages, actionable advice, and signature voices—offering a practical toolkit for real-life emotional fitness, no matter where or how you do your “work” in the world.