This Is Woman’s Work with Nicole Kalil
Episode 345 | FactS About Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids with Alyssa Blass Campbell, M.Ed
Date: September 17, 2025

Episode Overview

Nicole Kalil welcomes Alyssa Blass Campbell, early childhood educator, bestselling author, and founder/CEO of Seed and Sew. Alyssa shares expertise on raising emotionally intelligent kids, focusing on practical strategies and her FACTS framework. The conversation dives into what emotional intelligence truly means, why it matters, how to nurture it in kids (and ourselves), and the truth about messy, imperfect parenting.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Redefining "Woman's Work" in Parenting (01:10)

• Nicole sets the tone: Parenting is a deeply human, emotional experience full of love, fear, guilt, and exhaustion, not about achieving perfection.
• “Perfection doesn’t raise emotionally intelligent kids. It raises anxious, perfectionist adults who never feel like they’re enough.” – Nicole (03:02)

Emotional Intelligence: What Is It, Really? (04:07)

Alyssa demystifies emotional intelligence, outlining five core components:

1. Self-Awareness: Recognizing internal cues before reacting (“My four-year-old calls this the volcano… you can tell when something’s building before it explodes.” – Alyssa, 04:32)
2. Self-Regulation: Managing feelings appropriately, tailored to the individual's nervous system—regulation only works if you have awareness first.
3. Empathy: Connecting over shared human feelings, not about agreeing on the reason.
4. Motivation: Difference between intrinsic (“Am I proud of me?”) and extrinsic motivation (“Are you proud of me?”).
5. Social Skills: Reading social contexts and adjusting behavior accordingly.

When and How Should Kids Learn Emotional Intelligence? (06:20)

• It’s “never too early, never too late”—early exposure, even as young as four months, shows benefits.
• “We think of mini stones to milestones… We have to build up to the point where they can say, ‘I know what it feels like in my body when I’m frustrated.’” – Alyssa (07:50)

The Nuance of Emotions vs. Expression (09:29)

• There’s a difference between allowing all emotions and permitting all behaviors.
• Quote: “All expressions are not allowed, all feelings are allowed.” – Alyssa (10:08)
• Story about Alyssa’s own kids: Setting boundaries between feeling tired/frustrated and expressing it by being rude (10:23).

Self-Awareness Comes First (11:40)

• Kids can’t regulate what they don’t recognize. Focus on helping children notice their internal cues (e.g., voice changes, body tension) as a foundation for later regulation skills.

Modeling Emotional Intelligence and Repair (14:26; 21:05)

• Nicole and Alyssa laugh about their own imperfections as parents (“Welcome to a party of one.” – Alyssa, 14:22).
• Importance of demonstrating (not just teaching) emotional intelligence and acknowledging mistakes (“If we want emotionally intelligent children, then we have to become emotionally intelligent.” – Nicole, 20:44).
• Modeling repair: “Do we have to model everything? Well, just whatever we are modeling, he is going to do, so do that what you will.” – Alyssa, 21:08

Asking Good Questions & Storytelling (15:23)

• Build self-awareness by asking children how they feel (“How do you feel? Do you feel proud of yourself?”) and by parents sharing their own emotional stories.
• Use everyday, low-pressure moments (e.g., car rides, playing Legos) for teaching and conversation.
• For some kids, sharing your own emotional experiences can be more effective than questioning directly (18:15).

The FACTS Framework for Emotional Check-Ins (21:51)

A practical tool to check the basics before addressing behavior or emotions:

• F: Food: Are they hungry? Have they had nourishing food?
• A: Activity: Have they had access to the type of sensory activity they need? (Nine sensory systems discussed in Alyssa’s resources.)
• C: Connection: When was the last time they felt connected meaningfully?
• T: Tune Out: Have they had downtime or a break from stimuli?
• S: Sleep: Are they overtired?

Quote: “After we go through those… if we can meet all those, then we move on to next steps for emotion.” – Alyssa (26:00)

Individual Nervous Systems & Parenting “Mismatch” (27:21)

• Our kids’ needs often differ from our own; learning to notice and adapt to those differences is key.
• “It’s so much easier for me to parent her [my daughter] because our nervous systems really desire the same things… I have to be super cognizant when I’m parenting my son because our nervous systems don’t align.” – Alyssa (28:18)

The Power (& Necessity) of Repair (30:31)

• Repair is essential because no one gets it right all the time.
• “There is no… perfect. We are human and our job isn’t to make sure that our kids don’t experience hard things… our job is to make sure that kids have tools to experience hard things.” – Alyssa (31:45)
• Let kids participate in repair so they learn to take responsibility too—don’t force apologies, but scaffold authentic reflection and reconnection (34:21).

Tying It All Together: Empathy Over Perfection (37:20)

Nicole closes with a reminder to be self-aware, regulate our own emotions, prioritize connection, and let go of perfectionism. The goal isn’t always getting it right—it’s providing a safe, loving place for kids to grow.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Judgment in Parenting: “Judgment is the worst ingredient in the parenting equation… It’s a sign of emotional immaturity and of insecurity, which are more harmful for us and our kids than things like sugar ever could be.” – Nicole (01:58)
• On Perfection: “This episode is not… about becoming the perfect parent. That myth needs to die a quick and painless death.” – Nicole (02:50)
• Emotions vs. Expression: “All expressions are not allowed, all feelings are allowed.” – Alyssa (10:08)
• On the FACTS framework: “When there’s a hard thing happening, I’m going back to the basics… Food, Activity, Connection, Tune out, Sleep.” – Alyssa (21:51)
• Repair is Essential: “Our job isn’t to make sure that our kids don’t experience hard things. Our job is to make sure that kids have tools to experience hard things.” – Alyssa (31:45)
• Letting Go: “If we want to raise emotionally intelligent kids, we have to start with ourselves.” – Nicole (37:20)

Important Segments & Timestamps

• Intro and why judgment is problematic (01:10–03:25)
• What is emotional intelligence? (04:07–06:20)
• When to start teaching EI & early signs (06:42–08:09)
• Feelings vs. behaviors & regulation (09:29–11:51)
• Importance of self-awareness (11:51–14:00)
• Modeling, repairing, and questions for kids (14:26–19:15)
• The FACTS framework explained (21:51–26:25)
• Individual nervous system differences (27:21–30:31)
• Repairing relationships; what matters in apologies (30:31–36:37)
• Resources: SeedQuiz, book, podcast (36:49–37:17)

Resources & Where to Learn More

• Take the sensory/nervous system quiz: seedquiz.com (36:49)
• Alyssa’s book: Big Kids, Bigger Feelings
• Website: seedandsew.org
• Podcast: Voices of Your Village

Tone & Style

Conversational, candid, and empowering. Both speakers root their discussion in real-world experience and humor (“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Alyssa. I never snap at my husband.” – Nicole, 14:01), while challenging parenting myths and offering accessible, practical advice.

Final Message

Raising emotionally intelligent kids starts with our own emotional growth. Perfection is not the goal—awareness, connection, repair, and authenticity are. Use the FACTS framework as a check-in, model self-reflection and repair, and honor that every nervous system is unique—yours included.