Podcast Summary: "How To Have A Good Death with Suzanne B. O’Brien, RN | 292"
Introduction
In Episode 292 of This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil, host Nicole Kalil delves into the profound and often avoided topic of death. She is joined by Suzanne B. O’Brien, RN, the founder and CEO of Doula Givers Institute, whose extensive experience as a hospice and oncology nurse has shaped her mission to redefine end-of-life care. This episode explores the concept of a "good death," the common regrets people face at life's end, and practical steps to embrace mortality with peace and purpose.
The Inevitability of Death and Its Impact
Nicole Khalil opens the conversation by highlighting society's discomfort with discussing death, noting that despite medical advancements, death remains the only certainty in life. She poses critical questions about why we avoid talking about death and whether this avoidance prevents us from learning valuable lessons about living fully.
Notable Quote:
"Death isn't something any of us can avoid. No matter how many things we think we can learn from the blue zones, no matter how much anti-aging methods we employ or how many medical advancements we make, it's the one certainty that we all have."
— Nicole Kalil [00:58]
Suzanne B. O’Brien’s Perspective on Death and Life
Suzanne emphasizes that discussing death inherently involves discussing life, as they are intrinsically linked. Her work has revealed to her the profound connections individuals make between their life experiences and their perceptions of death. She advocates for honoring and understanding the spiritual aspects of death to alleviate fear and enhance the quality of life.
Notable Quote:
"When you talk about death, you're talking about life because they're not exclusive of one another."
— Suzanne B. O’Brien [04:10]
Common Regrets at the End of Life
A significant portion of the discussion centers on the regrets individuals commonly express as they approach death. Suzanne identifies forgiveness and the courage to live authentically as top regrets. Many wish they had not lived in fear and had pursued their dreams more vigorously.
Notable Quotes:
"The minute I was seeing that, I said, wait a minute. If we... we all have forgiveness to give, and we all have forgiveness to receive."
— Suzanne B. O’Brien [09:24]
"The number one thing that they say to me is, I thought I had more time."
— Suzanne B. O’Brien [13:14]
Defining a Good Death
Suzanne outlines that a good death is intrinsically linked to having lived a good life—one without significant regrets and enriched by meaningful connections. Key elements include:
- Quality of Life: Ensuring comfort and minimizing pain.
- Personal Wishes: Respecting individual desires regarding care, environment, and personal rituals.
- Legacy Planning: Preparing practical aspects such as advanced directives and estate planning to ease the burden on loved ones.
Notable Quote:
"A good death is a good life, a fully lived life. Not missing it because of regrets."
— Suzanne B. O’Brien [06:48]
Practical Steps Towards a Good Death
Nicole and Suzanne discuss actionable strategies to embrace mortality and enhance life's quality:
- Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges to free oneself from emotional burdens.
- Advanced Directives: Creating documents that outline one's wishes for end-of-life care.
- Open Conversations: Engaging in honest discussions with loved ones about death to ensure mutual understanding and respect for individual wishes.
Notable Quote:
"Forgiveness is one of the best tools you could ever use... it's for yourself."
— Suzanne B. O’Brien [11:00]
Legacy and Practical Preparations
Suzanne emphasizes the importance of legacy planning, which includes:
- Advanced Directives: Clearly stating medical and personal care preferences.
- Financial Planning: Organizing wills, trusts, and other financial instruments to prevent familial disputes.
- Personal Notes: Leaving behind messages or “love notes” to provide comfort and guidance to loved ones.
Notable Quote:
"It's my responsibility to think about quality of life... I have my love notes in there that sometimes... you're thinking about a family member, some magic moment, writing that down."
— Suzanne B. O’Brien [33:04]
Gender Dynamics in End-of-Life Care
The conversation also touches on the disproportionate burden women often bear in caregiving roles. Suzanne highlights the need for societal recognition and support for women who manage end-of-life care, emphasizing that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.
Notable Quote:
"Women are killing themselves trying to fit this role, and it's not okay. It should never be this way."
— Suzanne B. O’Brien [33:43]
Final Advice: Embracing Radical Acceptance
In her closing remarks, Suzanne advises embracing death as a natural, holistic human experience rather than a purely medical event. She encourages listeners to cultivate gratitude, presence, and service in daily life to prepare for a peaceful and meaningful end.
Notable Quote:
"Death is not a medical experience. It's a human one and it's a holistic one. And it can go well, really, really well, with the right education, kindness, and support."
— Suzanne B. O’Brien [34:39]
Conclusion
Nicole Khalil wraps up the episode by urging listeners to initiate conversations about a "good death" with their loved ones and to reflect on their own lives to minimize future regrets. She underscores that understanding and preparing for death is an essential aspect of living a fulfilling and authentic life.
Notable Quote:
"Take those answers seriously because they hold the key to a life where things that matter don't go undone unsaid or unloved. Death is part of woman's work because it's part of the human experience. And my deepest wish for you is both a fully lived life and also a good death."
— Nicole Kalil [35:35]
Key Takeaways
- Death is Inevitable: Acceptance and open discussion can lead to a more meaningful life and a peaceful end.
- Common Regrets: Many regret not living authentically or forgiving others and themselves.
- Good Death Components: Comfort, personal wishes, legacy planning, and meaningful connections.
- Practical Steps: Engage in forgiveness, create advanced directives, and have open conversations with loved ones.
- Support Systems: Recognize and address the disproportionate caregiving roles often placed on women.
Resources Mentioned
- Book: The Good Death by Suzanne B. O’Brien
- Website: thegooddeathbook.com
- Free Tools: Nine Question Document for end-of-life planning (available in show notes)
Closing Thoughts
This episode serves as a crucial reminder of the importance of integrating conversations about death into our lives. By doing so, we not only honor our own lives but also support our loved ones in experiencing a dignified and meaningful end.
End of Summary