Podcast Summary

Podcast: This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
Episode: Invite the Tiger to Tea: How to Turn Stress Into Strength with Dr. Rebecca Heiss | 340
Date: September 1, 2025
Host: Nicole Kalil
Guest: Dr. Rebecca Heiss, Stress Physiologist, Speaker, and Author

Overview

This episode challenges the conventional wisdom that stress is inherently bad and should be eradicated. Nicole Kalil and Dr. Rebecca Heiss invite listeners, especially women, to radically reframe stress: not as a sign of weakness, failure, or something to be managed away, but as a source of energy, motivation, and meaning. Dr. Heiss brings science, humor, and actionable tools to the conversation, exploring how to “invite the tiger to tea”—that is, make peace with stress and turn it into strength.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The "Effortless Overwhelm Paradox" and Stress as a Badge (00:53–03:41)

• Nicole sets the stage by highlighting how women often juggle countless tasks and feel compelled to handle stress without showing it—a phenomenon she calls the "effortless overwhelm paradox."
  • “The more stressed we are, the more we try to look calm, collected and glowy. Like we just stepped out of a meditation retreat.” —Nicole (01:26)
• The culture of "busyness" and pretending to have it all together increases the pressure and stigma around stress.

Flipping the Script: Stress as Energy, Not the Enemy (03:41–05:27)

• Dr. Heiss explains her view of stress as energy, comparing it to oxygen: necessary, sometimes harmful, but essential for survival.
  • “Stress isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is energy. It's our body preparing us to meet a moment and with the right mindset we have the opportunity to use it differently rather than to fight against it.” —Dr. Rebecca Heiss (04:00)
• Fighting stress only worsens it and perpetuates the “self-help paradox.”
• “My job, I like to think of myself as a PR agent for stress.” —Dr. Rebecca Heiss (04:19)

The 3-Step Approach: “Invite the Tiger to Tea” (06:22–17:30)

Step 1: Allow 3 Minutes of Full Stress (“Screaming Terror”) (06:22–08:49)

• Inspired by Robert Sapolsky’s research, honor your biological stress response by letting yourself fully acknowledge and feel the stress for three minutes.
• Techniques: journaling, movement, calling a friend, expressing the emotion.
• “Invite the tiger in for tea. Have a cup of tea with it.” —Dr. Rebecca Heiss (07:27)
• “You can't actually control how heightened you get. That is outside of your control.” —Dr. Heiss (10:13)

Step 2: Reframe with Curiosity—“Choose It Until You Become It” (09:08–13:20)

• After releasing the initial energy, consciously choose how to interpret your stress: excitement, opportunity, adventure.
  • “Curiosity and fear cannot coexist.” —Dr. Heiss (13:20)
• Use your body (e.g., posture, smiling) to signal to your brain that the stress is excitement rather than fear.
  • “We smile because we're happy? Nope. We actually get happy when we smile.” —Dr. Heiss (11:10)
• “Choose it till you become it.” —Nicole (12:33)

Step 3: Take Action—Move Towards the Stressor & Seek Community (13:21–18:17)

• Don’t avoid stress, take a small step towards what’s causing it (“toward the roar”). Like bison running directly into a snowstorm.
• Service to others—not self-care rituals—is shown to be the most effective intervention for stress reduction.
  • “The only intervention that actually helps mitigate our stress in that trajectory is service to others. Full stop.” —Dr. Heiss (17:01)
• Community, connection, and “well-made people” (emotionally supportive) are crucial to healthy stress navigation.

The Paradox: Women, Service, and Stress (18:58–23:03)

• Nicole raises a concern: Women are socialized to be others-focused, often to their detriment. How can “helping others” be a solution if it’s also a source of toxic stress?
• Dr. Heiss clarifies:
  • The most meaningful lives are highly correlated with high levels of stress—past, present, and even future worries.
    • “The number one correlate to a meaningful, purposeful life is stress.” —Dr. Heiss (20:07)
  • The important distinction: act “in alignment with what matters most to you.” Service or action should feel authentic, not obligatory.
    • “This is not me asking you to give more. I want you to give to yourself in a meaningful and purposeful way.” —Dr. Heiss (22:04)

Playing Sick: The Cost of Inaction & Regret (23:14–25:27)

• Dr. Heiss shares her childhood experience of “playing sick” to avoid performance anxiety—an allegory for how women often hold themselves back to control outcomes and avoid disappointment.
  • “Most of us spend most of our lives, if we're not careful, playing sick because we're trying to control the outcome.” —Dr. Heiss (24:07)
• The real cost is not in trying and failing, but in not trying—regrets for what we didn’t do.

The Stress Mindset Study: Beliefs Shape Outcomes (25:33–27:58)

• Dr. Heiss cites a study of 30,000 Americans: high-stress individuals who believed stress was bad had 43% higher mortality. Those with high stress but a positive (or neutral) view of stress had the lowest mortality—even lower than those with no stress.
  • “People with that same very high level of stress who believed that stress wasn't bad for their health had the lowest mortality rates of the entire study.” —Dr. Heiss (27:33)
• The message: Our beliefs about stress are often more dangerous than stress itself.

Practical Application & “Starting Small” (28:21–30:03)

• Catch yourself in the “I’m so stressed out” moment and pause—ask, “What does this mean? Can I use it differently?”
• Use small, self-serving actions to move energy in a positive direction. Self-care sets you up to serve others better.
  • “Just recognizing that when you catch yourself saying, ugh, I'm so stressed out, go pause. What does that mean? Can I use it differently?” —Dr. Heiss (29:24)
• Use your body and choose your narrative, then get into supportive action.

The Contagion of Energy & Importance of Community (30:03–33:16)

• “Humans are contagious—energetically contagious, emotionally contagious... When I see you and you look at me and you're smiling… I get your energy and I get this excitement from you.” —Dr. Heiss (30:32)
• Who you surround yourself with deeply matters; community is central to stress transformation, and may be a “competitive advantage” for women.
• Supportive environments—whether a basketball league, a friend group, or family—offer space to both release and reframe stress.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Stress isn't the villain, but a misunderstood character in our story—the one that, when used properly, helps us get shit done.” —Nicole (02:40)
• “You can't survive without oxygen. It is the reason we age… but you need it. And the same thing is true about stress.” —Dr. Heiss (04:00)
• “Curiosity and fear cannot coexist.” —Dr. Heiss (13:20)
• “The only people who have no stress are dead people.” —Nicole paraphrasing Dr. Heiss (25:27)
• “Pressure is privilege. Stress is privilege.” —Dr. Heiss, quoting Billie Jean King (26:03)
• “Invite the tiger in for tea. Have a cup of tea with it.” —Dr. Heiss (07:27)
• “Just recognizing that when you catch yourself saying, ugh, I'm so stressed out, go pause. What does that mean? Can I use it differently?” —Dr. Heiss (29:24)
• “Your story is my story…we may not be having the same stressors, but when we help one another…we actually heal ourselves.” —Dr. Heiss (17:16)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:53] — The paradox of “effortless overwhelm” & introduction to stress as a topic
• [03:41] — Dr. Heiss on why fighting stress backfires; stress as energy
• [06:22] — The “invite the tiger to tea” method: 3-minute full stress
• [09:08] — Step 2: Reframing with curiosity and embodiment
• [13:20] — The science of curiosity vs. fear and taking small action
• [17:01] — Service to others as the only statistically-supported intervention
• [20:07] — The correlation between a meaningful life and high stress
• [23:14] — “Playing sick”: The cost of inaction
• [25:33] — Stress mindset study: beliefs shape mortality outcomes
• [28:21] — Practical advice: start small, pause, and reinterpret stress
• [30:03] — Contagion of emotion, the role of community
• [33:16] — Importance of women’s community organizations and support

Conclusion

This episode reframes stress as an intrinsic, meaningful part of life that can be leveraged for growth and purpose when acknowledged, reframed, and channeled into action—especially within community. Dr. Heiss’s three-step method (“invite the tiger to tea,” reframe, act toward what matters) is both practical and science-backed. For women facing societal and self-imposed pressures, the invitation is clear: Embrace stress as a signal of caring and an opening for connection—not an enemy to be vanquished.

Final thought:
“Maybe, just maybe, stress is trying to serve us, to show us what matters, what we care about and what we're capable of. It's not about eliminating stress. It's about transforming it from enemy to energy, from too much to handle to exactly what I was built for.” —Nicole (33:53)