← This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
Relationship Red Flags with Monica Berg | 275
00:32:34
Learn how to spot relationship red flags and avoid future heartache in this episode of This Is Woman’s Work, featuring Monica Berg, author and Co-Director of Kabbalah Centre International. Discover why actions speak louder than words and how self-awareness and honest communication can transform your romantic and personal relationships.
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- [00:00]
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- [00:15]
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This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. You know when you're really stressed or not feeling so great about your life or about yourself, Talking to someone who understands can really help. But who is that person? How do you find them? Where do you even start? Talkspace. Talkspace makes it easy to get the support you need. With Talkspace, you can go online, answer a few questions about your preferences, and be matched with a therapist. And because you'll meet your therapist online, you don't have to take time off work or arrange childcare. You'll meet on your schedule wherever you feel most at ease. If you're depressed, stressed, struggling with a relationship, or if you want some counseling for you and your partner or just need a little extra one on one support, Talkspace is here for you. Plus, Talkspace works with most major insurers and most insured members have a $0 copay. No insurance, no problem. Now get $80 off of your first month with promo code SPACE80 when you go to talkspace.com, match with a licensed therapist. Today at talkspace.com save $80 with code SPACE80 at Talkspace. Do.
- [01:26]
Nicole Kahlil
I am Nicole Kahlil and I wonder how good are you at telling the difference between a fling and the real thing? Our guest today poses this question and I gotta tell you, my track record pretty much a dumpster fire for the first 99% of my relationships. The one time I did get it right, I got it really right. And I don't know if that was just dumb luck or that I'd gathered so much evidence on what didn't work, that when Jay walked into the picture, it was like a neon sign flashing this one, you idiot. And let's be real, most of us are way better at spotting red flags in our friends relationships than we are in our own. You know what I'm talking about, right? You're sitting across from your friend listening to them question every tiny detail. Like does he really mean it when he says that he's busy? Or they're wondering if they're expecting too much and wanting basic level of respect or hoping for the millionth time that someone will change or grow out of some sort of behavior. And you're sitting there still staring at your friend and trying to figure out the nicest way possible to say move the fuck on There are red flags everywhere. But he's a good person, they say. I mean, sure, compared to sociopaths and convicted felons, he seems great. But I'm not concerned about his volunteer resume or where he's going in the afterlife. Is he a good person to you? Not just in those rare moments where he doesn't suck, but does he treat you well? Consistently? Do you feel genuinely happy, like, more than once a month? Would you want your best friend, your sister, or your child in that same relationship? No. Then I say move the fuck on. But we don't say that. We listen and we make sympathy eyes because A, it's not really our place to tell people how to live their lives and to make their decisions for them, and B, because it can be a fast way to damage a friendship, and C, we're often guilty of projecting what we would do onto others and we could just be wrong. But as someone who must have had many friends who were biting their tongues with my previous relationships, I think I would have appreciated somebody looking at me and saying, what? And I cannot stress this enough. The fuck are you actually doing? You can and should do better immediately. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Or in my case, continue to pay for everything while these people try to find themselves. So this is me doing a little bit of both on this episode of this is Woman's Work. Because it's not my place to tell you how to live or who to choose. Frankly, I'm not even close to an expert. But I do want you to know that you deserve a relationship that lights you up, that challenges you in the best ways, and supports you living your truth and your purpose. Not just when the stars align, but most of the damn time. So today we're going to talk about relationship red flags so we can all spot them just a little bit better. Our guest is Monica Berg, the author of Fear is Not An Rethink, Love and the Gift of Being Different. She co hosts the Spiritually Hungry podcast and serves as the co director and Chief communications officer for Kabbalah Center International. Authentic and fearless, Monica reminds us of our extraordinary potential and pushes us onward with compassion and understanding. Monica, thanks for being our guest. And I have to ask, what are the signs that you found the one? And what are those red flags that should tell us to run?
- [04:47]
Monica Berg
That's a great question. And when it comes to relationships, there are so many things that come to play, right? It's not just chemistry. It's not just even finding somebody you kind of are interested in. And Growing that. Then there's things like fears that come up, our baggage from previous relationships, financial issues, worries, doubts. There's just so many things fighting styles. And so often I think people focus on some of the things that work and they kind of lose focus on all the other things because this is the closest they've come to a serious relationship. Or this person might be a keeper or might be the one. I would say there's three things that a person must have, in my opinion. And I would ask these questions, are they kind, are they generous? And do you share the same values and morals? Because often if we really are honest with ourselves, we can identify what is something we're attracted to that we're only viewing with our five senses. How they look, what kind of lifestyle have, how they make me feel. And rarely do we really focus on the bigger picture. It's the 1% reality versus the 99%. So 1% is five senses. All of those things that make us feel good in the moment. 99% of the things that really last, right? It's going to be something that keeps you growing together. So I'll give you three examples of red flags and there are many, many other ones. But I like these three because they're not so obvious necessarily. So if they speak warmly about their ex, do you think that's a red flag? Some would say yes. But the way I see it is that it could be a sign of emotional intelligence. If they're speaking warmly of their ex, it means they have the maturity to look back at that relationship, even if that wasn't the one right to say that we had a history together, it was good, it was bad. But to be able to have that perspective that it's not all bad. I would see it as a red flag if somebody spoke about their ex too often or if they spoke negatively about their ex very often. For the most part, I don't see it as a problem. If they speak about their ex, show sign of maturity. Another red flag. They have never been in a serious relationship before, for one might think, well, yeah, that's a red flag. What's wrong with this person, right? Or is this person unlovable? Or is there some deep, stark secret I don't know about? But you could consider maybe this person spent all this time so far really working on the relationship they have with themselves so that they know what they really want, so that they can cultivate themselves and enter a relationship from a place that is of abundance and growth and knowing of self, right? Which then they have so Much more to offer. Another one is that they talk to their mom and dad often. I'm sure for many they might think that this is not a good thing. But I think it's an exceptional quality when somebody is able to respect where they came from, show appreciation and gratitude and really have a healthy place in their heart for that relationship. Now, of course, if it's a toxic relationship, I would say no. Right. But all things considered, I would say that that is a green flag. So I think it's about not. It's about asking many questions after we notice certain things and really getting to the bottom of why that behavior is being exhibited.
- [08:10]
Nicole Kahlil
I like a unique perspective on things that I think we often think of as automatic red flags and just the reminder that there are a lot of different ways to see the same thing. So being curious and asking some follow up questions so we don't misinterpret or misread the situation. As you said, you know, somebody never had a serious relationship, you might go, oh, they're afraid of commitment. But if you ask some questions, you might find it's a totally different and maybe totally appealing reason.
- [08:39]
Monica Berg
And I also want to say that it's not a black and white situation. Red flags, again, that's why it's important to ask questions. I want to give you an example of a couple I worked with and they're also in my masterclass called Rethink It Love. And it's a story of Jenny and Tom. So they were high school sweethearts. He was very popular at school and she felt good in being with him. She loved him and he loved her. But there were a lot of things that she liked that he offered her. Right again. He was the captain of the football team. Her parents and her siblings were all very academic. There was a lot of pressure on her for what she should be, who she should become. She should be a doctor also like her parents. But Tom never put any pressure on her. He loved her as she was and he accepted her completely. And she was really excited about that. The fact that he had a small drug problem she kind of overlooked because again, he was giving her so many things that she wasn't getting in the other areas of her life. And it was something she desperately needed or felt she needed at the time. So when she went off to college, he moved with her even though he didn't go to college. He worked. And then they got married and they had children and his drug problem increased and his ability to support her in any way, whether it was emotionally, certainly financially, Was not happening. So she got fed up. But she didn't really understand or see fully what was happening until one day she discovered that he had been filming her while she was taking showers so he could sell the tape so he could pay for his drug addiction. So there were warning signs for sure. Right. But we often overlook them because we. Right. Where are we at? For her, for Jenny, in that moment, at the beginning, she wanted something. Something opposite from her family. Right. She didn't want the pressure. She wanted to be able to have somebody say, no, you don't need to be a doctor if you don't want to be. Instead of dealing with the stress first, you know, hand and directly with who she needed to, which was her parents, she went and she devoted herself to this person that she knew if she was paying attention, that there were really a lot of red flags along the way.
- [10:48]
Nicole Kahlil
Some version of that story. We all know someone and I just wonder. I think we all experience pressure to get married and find the one and all of that, Whether that's from our parents or family members or social media or movies or whatever. I think women experience that at a higher level. What part do you think that pressure plays and us trying to turn somebody into the one versus saying, huh, that's curious. What I really like about this person is this, this and this, or how they make me feel or where they fill a gap is this, this and this. I'm going to keep that in mind for future relationships. But there is this, this and this. That just absolutely does not work. So this person can't be the one. Like, I know that's a far too logical approach to love, but what is it that has us think we have to change somebody versus collect the information to find the right person down the road?
- [11:49]
Monica Berg
Yeah, I think as long as we're focused on external pressure, we're going to make the wrong decision. Probably because it can't come from that place, this knowing. As you said, you know, when you finally met your partner, it comes from a feeling within. But you have to know who you are. You have to know what you believe and why so you can at least be honest with yourselves. I think we make a lot of mistakes in relationships because we shut that off a long time ago and we really raised the volume of external. What do they think I should do? Who do they think I should become? What does my doctor say about my biological clock? There's all these timetables that we feel we have to meet and we have to adhere to or we're going to miss out. Or the opportunity's gone. And I don't think men get that feedback. So I think it's a lot of internal pressure we put on ourselves based on external things. If we can pause and say, okay, well, why do I want the things that I want? And what am I afraid of? If I don't have it right now, what's the great loss? Or what will I suffer? Right. I think it really starts and ends with the relationship you have with yourself. And to really build that, to know yourself, you have to start being honest with yourself. You might not like that voice, by the way. Maybe the voice that you have is not a kind one. Right. But at least if you start to hear it, you can change things. And then from that place, you'll be able to say, okay. You know, a lot of times I hear people like, the first date, second date, did they like me? What did they think of me? Especially from women. I wonder if they'll ask me out again. Are they going to call me? And I'm like, this is not a job interview. When you went out with them, how did you feel about this person? Did they make you feel good? Did you enjoy the conversation? Do you think this person is a kind person? Do you think, imagine the worst day of your life. How would this person show up for you? Those are the kinds of questions we should have. It's really just flipping how we are approaching relationships. And again, where's the pressure coming from?
- [13:44]
Nicole Kahlil
So you gave us a few red flags that we often think about in a different perspective. Are there any red flags that you're like, these are the ones that you should really be paying attention to?
- [13:58]
Monica Berg
I would. I would say lying, cheating. Lying is a big one, because what is it that they're trying to hide? And if they're lying to you, they're certainly lying to themselves. So that speaks to character. Cheating is, you know, a close cousin. Why? You know, why did they feel that that was necessary to do? Why didn't they feel strong enough to have the conversation? And that's not a deal breaker, by the way. But it's definitely a point to stop and say, okay, what? Is there something that I was doing that made this person uncomfortable? Or is it really just their character and who they are? Right. Because I think it takes two people. Yeah. And I think other things like gaslighting, I mean, any kind of manipulative behavior and attest to a person's character. I would really stop and pause. And again, that's why those three questions, are they kind? Are they generous? Do we share the same values. That goes a long way.
- [14:52]
Nicole Kahlil
Yeah. I'll also add one that became my biggest red flag, in addition to the ones that you said was this feeling of that I needed to make myself smaller in some way in order to be with them or be appreciated or accepted or valued by them. I found that pattern in my relationships where, you know, I didn't feel like I could fully be me. I couldn't want the things that I wanted. I couldn't be big and bold and all of those without feeling some sort of either competitiveness or concern or something like that. So I think those are really good ones and just paying attention to our own patterns and what we might inadvertently create in relationships or what doesn't work for us. Any thoughts there?
- [15:38]
Monica Berg
I think spirituality is really important to have in a relationship. It doesn't have to be the same, and it's not about religion. But if a person is practicing a spiritual study, they're going to be open to the idea of change, growth, becoming evolved, becoming a better version of yourself. So, for instance, if you're in a relationship and the person and you are feeling small around that person, is it that you are making yourself small, or is it that person that you're with wants to control you so that they feel bigger? Right. So again, it's not black and white. I would get to the seat of it. And then if they realize that if you're able to articulate, look, this pattern's not working, and they're open to changing and saying, wow, that's the last thing that I want to do, and they're open to doing the hard work together, then it's not a deal breaker. Right. But if you have somebody who has no interest in changing, and it's my way or the highway or, you know, I love you, but I want you to be this other version of you that I think would be better, that's a real problem. I see things come up where there's something called the Golem effect and the Michelangelo phenomenon. The Golem effect is that, let's say, you have a slab of clay and your partner wants to now mold it into something, and he wants to make you into the version that he thinks you should be. There's going to be a problem if that doesn't match who you want to be the ideal that you have for yourself. Michelangelo phenomenon is being able to see the art that's already in that clay and help chip it away. But it's already there. It's already shining. It already appears, and it's in accordance into what you want. Right? It's two very different things. So I think that, you know, with some of the things I wouldn't say, okay, this person has this quality, I'm concerned about it. I would always give the person a benefit of the doubt. Maybe they had a relationship with their parents that was modeled, that was not a healthy one, you know, to get to the bottom of it. But if a person's willing to change and to grow, then I think that some of the things that seem like a red flag can become a green flag.
- [17:41]
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- [18:42]
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- [19:45]
Nicole Kahlil
Red flags, we often think of another person's behavior. What about red flags for our own behavior? So I think of examples, you know, like where we carry our baggage from previous relationships into the next one, or stalking or Google searching or checking phones or invading privacy or, you know, there's like, a lot of things that I think are signs to us that we're doing that we might not be in a healthy relationship or not in a relationship that serves us, or at the very least, that we have some work to do on ourselves in order to even begin to create a healthy relationship. What are your thoughts there exactly?
- [20:24]
Monica Berg
Because we have to be careful not to blame somebody else for the state we find ourselves in. So if you're in a relationship where you feel so insecure that you have figured out their password and you're checking their text messages and doing all kinds of behavior that maybe you would never do, then is it that this person really isn't the one for you? And then you have to really ask very specific questions. You know, why do you feel desperate? Why do you feel insecure? Is it something that they are saying or doing? Is it because they really are not that interested in you, but you're trying to make the relationship something it's not? I mean, there's so many different scenarios. Or is it because your last relationship, you were cheated on and you never want that to happen again, Right? So first you have to gather information, gather content, right? Then you have to be able to take a step back and say, okay, what is real here? Is it this or is it this? And then from that place, you can decide, okay, no, this is my issue, right? It's baggage from the past, and I'm going to make a real effort to change it because it's not who I want to be. It's not serving me. If it's not you and it's the person you're with, then you have to ask, again, hard questions. You know, why am I settling? You know, what am I afraid of? And again, I think it's so important. That is why one of my books, fear is not an Option. Fear gets in the way of so much. It is usually in the driver's seat, and we are not even aware of it because we are just responding to the feeling rather than stopping and saying, okay, even though this feels real, what is really going on here? I often say to People, whenever they come and they say, I really want to find the one, how do I find my soulmate? Just such a loaded word. Anyway, I always say, instead of looking for the one, work on becoming the one. If you're honest with yourself, I'm sure you're going to find things that you don't love and start to work on those things. Because where you're at, if you start to work on this evolved, elevated version of yourself you want to become, then you're going to be able to attract that same level of soul. But if you're not working on that and you're still stuck in all of these patterns. Patterns, who are you going to attract? Not somebody up here. You're going to attract somebody who meets you where you're at. And that's why this kind of work is so important.
- [22:29]
Nicole Kahlil
I'm curious your thoughts. I've seen this pop up quite a bit recently for some reason, but the idea of that you need to love yourself first in order to be loved. And then there's people who are saying like, that's crap. You don't need to love yourself first in order to be loved. And there's sort of this like debate going. Any thoughts on that? Because I have an interesting opinion, but I'm curious yours.
- [22:53]
Monica Berg
I think that because it's a half truth, you need to love yourself to be loved the way you desire to be loved. Okay, you'll be loved, but what kind of love is it going to be? And is it something that's going to be healthy? Is it something that's going to be fulfilling and nurturing? So the whole reason that it's important to love yourself first is because then you're not going to settle. You're not going to accept things that you know are not good enough. You're not going to be in a relationship that is painful or abusive. You're going to say, okay, I love myself so fully and completely. Not only do I love myself today, but I also know where I want to go in five years from now. I know who I want to be and what kind of life I want 10 years from now, and I'm fully deserving of that. And so then you start to look for a partner. That is actually exactly what we just said. That same kind of is able to offer you what you desire, but if you don't know what you want, how can you expect to receive it? Really? You will be loved, but what kind of love?
- [23:49]
Nicole Kahlil
Yeah, so I love that take on it. And my thing is like, why wouldn't you want to love yourself? Like, okay, yes.
- [23:56]
Monica Berg
What's the problem with it? Exactly.
- [23:58]
Nicole Kahlil
Right. Yeah. You can be loved by somebody else, and it might not be ultimately the way that you desire, but I don't even understand the inclination towards questioning that, because wouldn't we want to. Shouldn't we want to love ourselves? Shouldn't we want both?
- [24:13]
Monica Berg
But I. If I could say, and I'm not. I'm not judging anybody, I don't even know who said the quote or whatever. But I think if somebody has a problem with that saying, it's because on some level, maybe they really just do not feel worthy of love. And that statement, the way it sounds, is supporting that false belief they have about themselves. Right. So I think we're saying the same thing. But I think it's important if you feel triggered by that statement, maybe there's information there and a clue that it's important to look within and where you're at with that.
- [24:43]
Nicole Kahlil
Well said. You talk about the ultimate relationship killer. What is that?
- [24:51]
Monica Berg
Not being able to communicate effectively. And again, this is why the theme of what we are talking about is really knowing yourself. Because if you know what you believe and you have taken the time to really explore that, then you remove the shame of wanting, and therefore you are then able to ask for it. And if you are not receiving it, you are able to articulate yourself in a way that again, is elevated. So this important, this knowing is so necessary because it helps with everything, especially in relationships. I often talk about the ABCs of love, and that is to discover the want behind the words. I think when we fight, often we're looking at. We're just hearing what they're saying and then we're reacting to that. Right. And often what they're saying, especially if we're fighting and we haven't learned fighting styles or communication skills or know certain things that should never, ever be said. If we have not taken the time to really explore that, then we hear the words and we are like, how dare you? Then my ego is fighting with your ego. Before you know it. All we both want is to be heard and seen, but nobody's able to do that. When you pause and say, okay, I know, I heard. What they just said was very hurtful, was very rude. What is it that they really want? Right. What is the want behind the words? And it's such a great, powerful tool. It sounds simple, but try practicing in the moment when we're really angry. If you're able to do that, it actually diffuses the situation and Then you're able to put yourself in the other person's shoes, be more empathetic, and then ask different questions.
- [26:26]
Nicole Kahlil
I love that because it's very rarely the thing. It's what's underneath the thing that we are arguing about or that is ultimately driving it. And to the extent that we understand that, I think we give ourselves so much greater of an opportunity to support and connect with each other. Are there any things we should never say or do in our relationships?
- [26:50]
Monica Berg
Thousand percent. We should never say always. No absolute words. We should also never say never. And I think that, you know, it's really interesting. Some of the research I've done is how men and women communicate differently. And my firstborn, I have four kids, is a boy. I have two sisters. I never had brothers. So I didn't really understand men. And my husband is very emotionally intelligent. But even at the beginning of our relationship, it takes time, everybody. It doesn't matter how spiritual you are or trying to be evolved. Ego is ego. We all have it, right? I didn't understand how emotional men are and how sensitive they are. And in fact, even more so than a lot of women, I think that because we were talking about the feedback we've gotten externally, I think boys get the feedback that it's don't cry or you're acting like a girl. So being emotional or being sensitive early on, this is not a good thing for them. I think often women think that they're not, but in fact they really are. They're just not showing it. I think the first thing is that, for instance, when you say, you know, you're such a slob, you never pick up your clothes, or you never do anything around the house, or I'm always cleaning up after you, right? What they hear then is they think, wait, I took the trash out last night. She didn't see that, you know, I'm not appreciated, or the other day I made the bed. Why? And what happens if they hear that enough? They start to drown you out because they need to choose themselves. It's self preservation. When boys are little, boys want to be becoming to their mothers and girls want to become like their mothers. Of course, we deny that when we become teenagers, we're like, I don't want to be anything like you. But that is kind of how it is. And what happens when boys then become men and they are in relationships that goes on to the person they're with, right? So imagine if they don't feel becoming to us by the words that we use, the language we use, then eventually, they just don't listen. And then women get frustrated. My husband or my boyfriend never hears me. Right. It's such an important, I think, thing to talk about because I don't think we realize how much influence we have over them. They don't show it, but we do. The other thing is never go below the belt. You know, I've heard people say horrendous things to one another and, you know, like glass that's broken, you can put it back together again, but it's never going to fit the same way. And there's just certain things never to say. You know, I've heard people curse their partners out. You know, you're acting just like your mother and I hate your mother. Or be a man. You know, just that.
- [29:38]
Nicole Kahlil
Yeah.
- [29:39]
Monica Berg
No.
- [29:39]
Nicole Kahlil
Yeah. There are things you can't take back.
- [29:44]
Monica Berg
It chips away. It chips away at the relationship for sure.
- [29:47]
Nicole Kahlil
One last question. It's a big one, so I'm not sure it's the best. Last question. But the compromise versus sacrifice. How do you know when to give in or when to give up? Like, I think a lot of times those two words get conflated for a lot of women. Any tips on recognizing the difference?
- [30:09]
Monica Berg
I love this. And it's actually. It's gonna be a really straight answer, and you're gonna be surprised with how easy it is to differentiate between the two. It's also in the masterclass and in my book. So compromise is the ability to listen to both sides. That means that we're having a conversation and I want something and you want something, and we're pausing and we're both being able to listen to both sides. The rule of compromise is that we have to see who it's more important to. So, for instance, I'll give you an example. My husband and I were first married. I was in utter shock with how messy he was. I'm a Virgo. I was like, oh, it's just not going to work. Right. So we fought about this for a while, and then I realized I don't want to be. I don't want to parent him. Right. And he's not listening to me anyway. And I remember, after much contemplation, I remember having the thought that I'm going to buy a chair for our bedroom, and he can put all his clothes, because he was just like. He'd take it off, and it was just like, be on the floor, and it would stay there unless I picked it up. So I'm like, this is your chair. I don't care. Pile it up, pile it high. All your clothes for the whole week. Come Friday, just hang the clothes up. Because what we realized, and I didn't know this about myself either. And certainly since I didn't know it, I couldn't communicate it to him. I realized that beauty makes me feel good, right? Clutter makes me feel very agitated. And I didn't realize. I thought it was just a preference. It actually affected my mood. You know, if I wake up and there's like a vase of roses or flowers next to my bed, I actually wake up differently than if there's not. Right? And I don't always need flowers next to my bed. But that's when I started realizing that my mood was different depending on my environment, you know, or if we traveled and I had a view of something beautiful, right? It affected me. So once he realized, in this case, compromising, it was more. This situation that was more important to me because it wasn't affecting him one way or the other. So he was able to lean into me, but I also leaned into him. Sacrifice is when you have to give up something that you deeply value for somebody else. And when we sacrifice, we always give away more than we expected to or wanted to. So I have a perfect tool that helps in the moment when you don't know if you're compromising or sacrificing. It's called now and Later. So I want you to think of. You have a situation. And when you're trying to decide what is the right thing to do, ask yourself these two questions. How will I feel about this decision in 10 minutes? And how will I feel about the decision in 10 years? So for instance, and this is a big one, let's say one person decides not to have children. Big one. Because their partner doesn't want. In 10 minutes, you might say, okay, well, I really love this person. I'm okay with this. But in 10 years, if you know that you're going to regret that decision, and you know that, right? We all have that moment of truth, then that's a sacrifice. And it could be different things also, it could be moving to a different country or how you raise your children or whatever the case may be. If you know that you're going to have deep regret. Because the pain of regret is one of the biggest pains. Because you can't go back. The opportunity is gone. There'll be other opportunities, but that specific thing is not there. So it's one of the biggest tools, and it always works.
- [33:29]
Nicole Kahlil
To be honest, Monica, that was a phenomenal answer, and thank you for providing that tool, I think. Good example all around. If you are listening and you want to learn more about Monica and her work, and I'm sure you do, you can listen to the spiritually hungry podcast or you can go to RethinkLife today. That's the website. And there's the Rethink it course available. Monica, will you just tell us quickly about the course?
- [33:54]
Monica Berg
Yep. So it's a masterclass on relationships. It's six different series, but you buy it in one package. It has a couple that I worked with very intimately throughout all of the series. It has real life audience members that are participating. We're workshopping many, many tools, just like this tool of compromise versus sacrifice. So you're getting bite sized nuggets, but very practical application on how to create the relationship you want. And part of it is also focusing on the relationship with yourself.
- [34:26]
Nicole Kahlil
Incredible. Okay, it's RethinkLife today is the website and that's where you can find the Rethink it course. Monica, thank you.
- [34:33]
Monica Berg
Thank you so much.
- [34:34]
Nicole Kahlil
Okay, friend, if you're anything like me, you may be rethinking a few of your past relationships or feeling relieved that you finally got it right. But let's get one thing straight. Being in a relationship that's good for you, where both people are growing, thriving, and, yes, winning. That's the baseline. We're not talking about settling for somebody just because they don't completely suck or waiting around hoping they'll magically evolve into the partner you need. Let's face it, relationships, even the really good ones, have tough patches. It's not always easy. It's not green flags all the time. And it can take work along with courage, honesty, and a whole lot of self awareness. But people will show you in so many ways on so many days who they are. Your job is to pay attention and to believe what they're showing you even more than what they're telling you. Because if you ignore the red flags, you're only inviting future heartache. At the end of the day, the relationships we choose, romantic or otherwise, are some of the most powerful reflections of the life we're building. So if you're in a relationship where both of you are winning, keep doing the work, keep communicating, keep choosing each other. And if you're not well, you already know what I'm gonna say. Maybe move the fuck on, because that is woman's work.
- [35:51]
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