← This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
Shameless and Strategic: How to Brag About Yourself with Tiffany Houser | 298
00:34:19
Confidence isn’t cocky—it’s necessary. In this episode, executive coach Tiffany Houser shows us how to own our value, share our wins, and become our own (and each other’s) best hype people.
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- [00:11]
Nicole Kahlil
I am Nicole Kahlil, and on this episode of this is Woman's Work, we're going to dive into a topic that frankly, most of us suck at. And I say this with love, but generally speaking, you and I are really bad at this. And like most things we're bad at, we avoid it, we don't enjoy it, and we're pretty frickin awkward when we're forced to do it. To be clear, I have a great deal of empathy because I suck at this too. Like, it makes me sweaty, I lose the ability to form coherent sentences, and I often end up either overcompensating and sounding like a total asshole or holding back and coming across like elevator music. Which is fine, but nobody cares enough to listen. And mostly on the other side of those moments, I end up wishing I could have a do over. Which is funny because evidence says I'm not likely to do all that much better the second time around. And it's not totally our fault that we suck at this. Very few of us have been taught this skill. In fact, most of us have been discouraged, disincentivized, and even punished when we've attempted it. It's a skill that carries very different expectations for women than it does for men. If you or I attempted to do it exactly like the men in our lives, we'd be quickly judged and likely shamed. We see examples of this pretty much everywhere. In the medias, in sports, professional settings, politics, education, and the list goes on and on. Are you feeling curious? Okay, I know the title of this episode is a dead giveaway, but I think when I say it, you're going to start nodding your head if you haven't already. I'm talking about the skill of self promotion. The act of celebrating your wins. The art of bragging. I don't know about you, but I'm often my own worst hype person. So how do we share our gifts, stand up for our value, and become our own best promoter? Well, friends, I don't know. Which is why I've invited Tiffany Hauser to be our guest. Tiffany is an executive coach, leadership facilitator, and founder of Evolve, and creator of Self Worth Advantage. She's on a mission to transform workplace insecurities into self worth, trust and impact. A former Soul Cycle instructor and Michigan alum, Tiffany brings a mix of expertise, passion and practicality to help us all step into our power. So Tiffany, thank you for being our guest. And I have to start by asking, do most women struggle with bragging or is it just a me Thing.
- [02:35]
Tiffany Hauser
Oh, my gosh. And. And I love how you brought men in. We all struggle with this. It's not something we actually. We're actually told not to do this to be quite honest.
- [02:45]
Nicole Kahlil
Okay, so if it's true that we all sort of struggle with this in varying degrees, why does bragging get a bad rap? Like, why are we taught not to do it?
- [02:56]
Tiffany Hauser
Yeah, that's such a great question, because I think it goes back to just the. That word in and of itself. So, you know, the people that I work with and part of my methodology and how I work is around language. So we want to notice and be very intentional about the words that we're using. And when I look at the word brag, just right now, like you said, you get sweaty and it makes you uncomfortable. Same, same, same for me. And it's just this word that makes, you know, most people think of arrogant or self absorbed, full of yourself. You know, no self awareness, all those things. But if we take that word brag, and then we just slightly reframe it into a new word or shift it into a new word like acknowledge, recognize, or fill in the blank. I'm sure anyone listening probably thought of, you know, one or two others, but just those two. Acknowledge or recognize. So if we were to say, you know, can you acknowledge yourself for something or can you recognize, fill in the blank about yourself? Just notice that, you know, just. Nicole, if you're thinking about this, notice, like your. Your physiology and your nervous system starts to just calm down and it starts to take your. Your mindset, if you will, or your internal thought process into a new space. A space that maybe even put a smile on your face or may have put you in a mindful, thoughtful place to actually think about it, rather than what most of us do. Throw it away, toss it away. No, no, no, no, no. Not me. Or, you know, a former version of me. If I were to be complimented or told to talk about myself, I might say one or two things and then throw it over to you and start complimenting you and shining the light on you and making it so much brighter as to dim the light on me. And, you know, you had said something about research shows that even if we, you know, try to do something again, we're most likely to do it the same, which has some truth to it yet. My work and my role as a coach is to support you with taking those consistent steps to keep, you know, reframing, reshifting, whether it's your language or your words or your internal thought process around whatever it is that you're up against. And in this case, it's bragging, which, again, we can look at as acknowledging or recognizing ourself.
- [05:35]
Nicole Kahlil
Okay, so several thoughts pop through my head. First, yes, we're likely to repeat the same pattern unless we reframe and practice. Right. Which is where you come in. And I think, you know, for all of us, it's just the acknowledgement. If we want to get good at anything, we got to practice. When you talked about acknowledging and recognizing, you're right. It's a completely different feeling and a different approach than bragging. And probably just the word needs to be tossed, not the act. Right. We just need to reframe it. The word celebrating also popped into my head while you were talking. I think that that's one I can get behind. Let's celebrate. So that leads me to my next question, which is, why do you either feel or know? Based on research, we've been taught not to celebrate ourselves or to acknowledge our accomplishments in front of people. Like, why aren't we comfortable? Why aren't we constantly telling people and celebrating ourselves and what we do and our gifts and all the things? Do you see what I'm saying?
- [06:40]
Tiffany Hauser
Like, absolutely. Okay, yeah. And there's many different directions I can go in, but the one that just popped in my head was community and tribe. And so when we are in a community together, and even going way back to when we all began, that we were tribal creatures and we still are to some degree, that we want to be part of a collective, we want to be part of a community. And when we start to stand out as one, that might not fit into our survival and it might not fit into our definition or our concept of community or tribe or team or organization, whatever, you know, however you want to look. Family for some of us, circle of friends for others. And so when we think about that, we were all, you know, let's go back to the tribe, the hunter and gatherer. We had our roles. And so it's not that the hunters and gatherers, one were, you know, one group was better than the other. We complemented each other. We needed each other. We kind of balanced and integrated together to, you know, create a holistic or comprehensive way to live and survive together. And so when we go back to the word brag or self promotion, it's kind of like, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. I am separating myself from the tribe, from the community, from the team, or, you know, what most of us do, specifically women, is I'm now putting myself above or ahead And I don't want to be in that uncomfortable spot because again, like what I said with brag, it is very commonly associated with arrogance, superiority, being vain or egocentric. And you know, we could, I could talk to you for days about the ego and egocentric because that's really where I begin my coaching. Because our ego is located, you know, for the viewers or the listeners who can't see I'm touching the back of my head, you know, where the head and neck connect. That's where your brain stem is and that's where your ego lives. And it actually was the first part of you that came to be that that's how you came to be is through your ego and your brainstem. And so in that is your identity. And so our identity, going back to what I said earlier about community and tribe, those are still the, the three basic things we need human beings need for survival is love, safety and belonging. And so all of those are connected to other people. They're not.
- [09:21]
Nicole Kahlil
I mean, yeah, there's an internal component to it, but we are wired for connection. Like there's no ifs, ands or buts about it. Right?
- [09:29]
Tiffany Hauser
Yeah. And intellectually we could all say we can get those from ourself, which we can and we do. And a big body of my work, self worth, advantage is about that. Yet the foundation is, is going way back to our ancestry and where we all began that we survival, you know, our survival instinct is to be part of something, to belong to something. And so yeah, it's just this word that has been ultra associated with something bad that makes us look, you know, like we will not be accepted, like we will not fit in or belong. And so we tamp it down, suppress it and then, you know, we'll get into this. That's what causes so many issues specifically with us women and specifically with us women in the workplace or professionally. Whether we work for an organization or work for ourselves, we have created so, so many stories, 99.9% of them are false because we have tampered down our self promotion and this sense of bragging, celebrating, acknowledging ourselves. So what happens is we are fueling the story of we don't deserve it, we're not smart enough, we're not good enough, we're not experienced enough, we aren't supposed to do this, somebody else is supposed to do this. So we make up all these stories that don't really put us in the right arena or put us on the right path to really follow what it is that we are truly here to Create, do, be, whatever, fulfill, however you want to end that sentence.
- [11:15]
Nicole Kahlil
Okay, so my brain is firing in all different directions and I have a series of questions. But before I jump into those, let me ask this one. With this level of discomfort, with this need to belong and all that, what is the value in self promotion? Celebrating and, and bragging, like, why should we be doing this if it feels so risky? And by the way, I do think we should be doing this. I'm not suggesting we shouldn't. But I want to hear from you. Why is this so important? Why do we need to get over ourselves and like, learn the skill?
- [11:47]
Tiffany Hauser
Yeah. Number one thing, you deserve it. You, you are special. You inherently are worthy, valuable, you are loved, you are lovable, you are unique. You are. Fill in the blank. Whatever you, however you see yourself, that is who you are. You know that because that's what you feel and that's what you want, that's what you desire. And if you do not express that, share that with the world, how are we supposed to know this? All the richness, all the juiciness, all the components, all the elements, all the pieces that are you. Because we all know in some way, shape or form, we only know what is expressed to us. I cannot jump inside your body, Nicole. I cannot tap into your wavelength yet, but I can't get all the way in there. And so how I learn and how I understand you is through you sharing, verbally or written, however you do it, pieces and parts about you and I. And you know what, Nicole? This reminds me of dating. I'm not dating anymore, but it just reminds me of like when you go on or let's put ourselves in the context of the interview space. When we go into an interview and whether we're interviewing for a job or to land a client, we are. They don't know anything about us until we share, until we present, until we pitch, until we express who we are. And all these things and all that's happening up until that point, our interpretations, our stories, our judgments, none of them are right or wrong or bad or good. But they're just out there until the actual data comes in and only you have the actual data about you. And so the value is you are sharing your worth and your value. You're putting it out there in the world so that you don't have to deal with the converse experience or the opposite experience, which is, like I said earlier, suppressing it or tamping it down, which then pokes holes in your self worth, in your self value. And now you start Questioning yourself, you start doubting yourself, you start feeling like an imposter for no other reason except you chose that. That's what you chose. Instead of letting it out, expressing or just being, you know, going back to the, to the compliment aspect of this, being able to receive a compliment that'll tell you a lot about your self worth and your value as well. And it's part of our self promotion is receiving, receiving the accolade, receiving the acknowledgement, receiving the recognition, receiving the celebration, and not only from other people, but also receiving it from ourself. Because sometimes we do say things, but we say it to get out of the situation or to move on. Like I don't know if anybody's been in a mastermind or like a networking event and you have to go around and say something about yourself and you say a couple things and just to get the spotlight off.
- [14:55]
Nicole Kahlil
Right?
- [14:56]
Tiffany Hauser
Yeah. So yeah, so there the value first is, you know, really expressing yourself. But really the, the bigger value is so that the opposite doesn't happen to you and you start falling deeper and deeper into that trap of low self esteem, low confidence, imposter feelings, self doubt, you know, needing external validation, think, you know, playing that comparison game that, you know, never works out. Right. So, so yeah, so that's a piece of it.
- [15:32]
Nicole Kahlil
Okay, so I want to go into some tactical elements of this. And my brain thinks that there is a likelihood to jump to the external part, like what we say to people, how we say it, that type of thing. But my instinct is that there is first and foremost an internal element of this. Right. Like what we say to ourselves about ourselves matters. So am I off base and if not, any recommendations of how to begin the internal part of celebrating, acknowledging and recognizing.
- [16:14]
Tiffany Hauser
Yeah, you're 100% on point. And in my body of work, self worth advantage. That's where we start with you. Because you know, there is no external until we handle and really reconcile and understand our internal experience, which I call our internal thought process. And really it starts by understanding first identifying the pieces in your internal thought process that are working for you and the pieces that are not working for you. And you know, we have, we have some ways to do that. There's like worksheets, there's a course, all that stuff. But really the basis is, is understanding your self worth is only controlled by you because just think of the word self worth. How does it start? It starts with self. Nobody can impact your self worth except you. And here's another thing to understand that there is no high self worth or Low self worth. It is either you are grounded in your self worth or you are choosing to compromise your self worth. Which is some of the things that I shared just a moment ago. And really this internal piece, it's first identifying what's working, what's not, about the way you see yourself. And then this is the key, understanding that piece. Because a lot of I work with a lot of type A executive women, startup founders that are scaling fast and once they identify, they want to go right into step three, don't want to stay in or experience step two, which is really understanding what you have identified. So a lot of coaches and maybe some consultants, they do discovery and then they want to move into solution, which there's nothing wrong or bad about that. But for me as a coach, my job is to create transformation for you. My job is to create sustainable change for you. And if you do not understand where you know what is happening to you and you know where it came from, I can get you to the transformation, but it's not going to sustain itself. You're going to go right back because you didn't understand what's causing it or what is creating, you know, these moments where I am confident, where I, where I do believe in myself. So that piece of understanding is it. It takes a lot of mindful reflection, like time to yourself. And really some of these exercises seem so simple. When I start taking, they're like, that's it. I'm like, yeah. And isn't that. And you don't need a coach to do like 90% of these things. But we choose not to because of the conditioning of this is the way it is. And I just want to grind. I want to get the promotion. I want to, you know, attract more clients. I want to build my business or I want to build my team. And so we stay in the tactics, as you said, of the external factors and we forget how valuable and how necessary the internal tactics. I'm doing air quotes for listeners are. So yeah, it's a matter of taking a look at, you know, and one simple exercise that I start people off with is just writing 50 things that you are worthy of or val or that make you valuable. And so, you know, it's not that I'm worthy of a mansion, it's not stuff like that. It's more of I'm worthy of love, I'm worthy of peace, I'm worthy of ease, I'm worthy of joy. You know, things that are more the things that we actually want night in life, not the tangible things, but the feelings and the, the whole, like, mindset that we're looking for, right? Because people think, when I have more money, I'm going to be joyful and I'm going to have all this freedom yet why not just have the freedom? Why not just have the joy and then in that work on, you know, attracting the money, generating the money and, and start with joy right now. Because joy, peace, love, all that stuff are choices you can make right now. And I know that might sound a little woo woo or out there for people, yet when you work with somebody that can keep you contextually in a container, as we call it, where you are unpacking, peeling back these layers so that you identify and understand them. Once you get to the next phase, which is reconciling or resolving these issues or these, these thoughts that you have, your agility and your ability to like, navigate and pull yourself into confidence, empowerment, whatever it is, just goes up way higher and you're able to just move through all these situations and say, thank you, I appreciate that feedback or team. I just landed a big job and not making something external, but I landed a big job because I actually sat and listened and when it got uncomfortable, when they were about to walk away, I got creative and I thought of something else instead of just talking about the numbers and, you know, the, the pitch deck or whatever that is, getting into the, the feeling of it and how you shifted in the moment to create a new outcome.
- [21:38]
Nicole Kahlil
So, Tiffany, everything you're saying aligns with what I know to be true about confidence, which is my area of expertise, which is first, nobody can give or take away your confidence. It's yours. Right? Like as you said with self worth, the idea that it is an internal thing and we are so quick to jump to the external ways to, you know, show people that we're confident. But similar to what you're saying, the challenge is staying with the internal. And I couldn't agree more about one of my coaches, Lisa Kelman, always talked about be, do, have. You know Lisa. Oh, my gosh, how funny.
- [22:19]
Tiffany Hauser
Lisa is one of my mentors too. I love her. And her partner, Lynn Sheridan, I love them both.
- [22:25]
Nicole Kahlil
Amazing. And they've both been gifts.
- [22:26]
Tiffany Hauser
Incredible. Yeah, they are incredible women. Yes.
- [22:29]
Nicole Kahlil
Yeah. So the concept of be, do have, right, which is exactly what you're saying, be free or be joy. And then what comes from it. Whereas we've been taught so much, have, do be, right? Like, we need to have the money, then we can do the things, then we'll be that way. And it's like, no, it's asked backwards. So everything you're saying. Checking all the boxes for me, you said earlier some insight might be in how we receive compliments. And you gave an example of just saying thank you. It's really quite simple, yet a lot of us mess that up. What are some examples of things we might do when we receive a compliment that we should begin practicing our way out of? Right? Dismissing the compliment, undermining it. Give us some examples.
- [23:16]
Tiffany Hauser
Yeah, that's so interesting. I did a whole workshop on this, and, man, people got real talk about sweaty. They got sweaty fast. Because you're right. The thing we naturally do is we. We may say thank you, but then we'll say, your dress is beautiful too, and we're not really receiving that. So it's an intentional receive of thank you. I appreciate you, or I appreciate that, or when I was learning this, Nicole, I literally had to say it. Thank you. I received that. And, like, it was massively uncomfortable to talk that way, yet that was part of my reframing and my reconditioning and me redesigning myself to receive. Because when I. And I wasn't just learning how to receive compliments, I was actually learning how to receive love and receive abundance because I didn't have a framework for that. And I was so used to just conquering, being great at what I did and. And creating. But I was never, up until that point, I was not used to. Or I didn't have the space to receive it. And so in that lack of receiving or that that missing component of receiving, it would go away, because I would sabotage. I would do that. So what works for me was, thank you. I received that. And then really, if you want to take that a step further, thank you. I love this dress. Like, it makes me feel beautiful, confident. It makes me feel in charge. It makes me feel like, sassy, whatever that. That, you know, and of course, we're talking about something tangible. But think about when you're at. When you're on an interview and somebody just says, like, wow, I'm really impressed by your work here. When you say thank you, are you actually receiving that? Or are you ready to just answer the next question? Answer the next question. Because in an interview, I coach my clients. When something like that is said I impressed with, you know, all of the things that you accomplished at company Y. Thank you so much. What exactly, you know, are you stands out the most? Or I'm thank you. And I would love to share about one of the, you know, just really getting into it and Receiving the, the accolade or the acknowledgement and not letting it be this like ricochet or this. I don't know why a trampoline just came into my head, but we are so used to like bouncing in and then popping it right back out where you don't let it land in and receive it. And, and just think about that visually and the listeners think, think about that visually. You're receiving all this love, all this acknowledgment from so many different people in your life. Even when people smile at you, that is a sign of feedback, of love, joy. Something just was generated there. Every time you receive it, intentionally and authentically receive it, you are adding to your bank, your worthy bank, your value bank. And not that this bank gets bigger or whatever. It's just a matter of that. A matter that when the road ahead gets rockier or stormier, that you have more to keep you grounded in your self worth. Because again, it's not high self worth. There is no evaluation of self worth. It's just art. Are you in it or not? And the more you receive, it's like cement and concrete, like locking you in. So you cannot choose to compromise your own self worth because again, it is very easy. You know, our conditioning is very set up for us to compromise our self worth. Nope, don't like that feeling. And just think about that. The reason it's so easy is because of our comfort zone. So remember our ego back here. It's nothing wrong or bad that our ego has our identity and it wants certain things. It wants us to be comfortable. It doesn't want anything to change. It doesn't want us to be outside of it or uncomfortable. So it brings us back. So when we go outside and we start to be in the spotlight, it wants to pull us back in and really just think of the time we're living in now. It is so spotlight oriented with social media. I mean, we're. People are on. I mean, the wildest thing are all the little kids that are like, I want to do a video. I want to teach my friends how to blow the best bubble and then catch it. I'm like, look at you. If you would have said that to me when I was 8, I'd be like, no, no, no, do not put me on camera.
- [27:52]
Nicole Kahlil
Right.
- [27:54]
Tiffany Hauser
So, yeah, so it's, it's, there's, there's a lot to unpack there and look at.
- [28:00]
Nicole Kahlil
Totally. I'll also add, I loved even the trampoline analogy. I loved the. We aren't just receiving a compliment or receiving love and paying attention to how we're receiving it. Because as you were talking, I felt that I can't be the only one who does this. But it's an internal thing that happens. We may say, thank you, but in our brain we say, yeah, but, right? Like, yeah, this is a night stress but, or, yeah, I accomplish those things, but. And we do that to ourselves. It's like, shut up about the but.
- [28:33]
Tiffany Hauser
Right, Absolutely. And it's. I'm so glad you said that, because when I coach people, because I have a whole component called the language lab, and but is one of the words, so I reflect back to them everything you say after or everything you said before, but just. You threw it in the garbage. You just erased it. Because you said, oh, thank you, thank you, but your dress is beautiful too. Or you. You deserve, you know, you're also, you know, a great mom. And it's like that. That all can be true, but you just erased your. You know, some people call them flowers. I love that, by the way. Like, a. A former collaborator of mine said that. And I was like, oh, I love that flowers. But you're erasing all that, that deposit into your bank, all that love and joy that someone gave to you. And research and science shows that giving is also. It's. It's something that gives people joy. Giving you compliments, giving you joy by letting you know, giving you feedback that you're beautiful, that you're a great mom, that you are very talented, you are very funny. Receive that. Because you're also giving somebody joy by receiving it. You're giving them the light that they gave right back to you. So rather than erasing it or smashing that light on the ground or blowing it out, receive it.
- [30:01]
Nicole Kahlil
Okay, my last question is around maybe some technical things or things we may want to keep in mind as we practice the art of acknowledging, recognizing, celebrating ourselves. So I hesitate because I don't want to take it to the external. But, like, one thing I know that has worked for me and aligned perfectly with your idea of wanting to belong is I have what I call front row friends. Not all my friends are front row friends and not, you know, everybody is meant to be, but there are friends who get equally, if not more excited for me when something big happens. And so, like, that's a good place for me to practice the acknowledging, the celebrating, because my front row friends are going to be all over it. So that's like an example of a tactic. Get yourself some front row friends or identify who your front row friends are. Any Other tactics that you might recommend for practicing, getting better at this skill.
- [31:04]
Tiffany Hauser
Yes. And by the way, I may have to borrow that. That just please. That filled me up with some joy. I'm like, oh, that is. It's fun, too. Front row friend again. Language nerd over here. Yeah. So the real something simple. Just write down the last three compliments someone gave you and unpack. What, what, if anything, made me uncomfortable about this. What about this is true? What about it's not true? And really write down next to it how you can receive it moving forward. And then the final question would be, are you open to going back and receiving it? Hey, I know last month, you. You know, you recognize that I was doing a great job with the kids or, you know, I was just killing it on this project, and I kind of brushed you off, and I just. I just wanted to receive that and thank you because I do see how much effort and energy and, like, how much impact I created here. So. So just real simple and go through three of them. And really. And if you want to go deep, deep, deep look at your relationship with that person, that'll tell you a lot about how you receive from individuals. So not just with you. It'll tell you a lot about your relationship with that person. And so if we want to take it to that next step, you'll start to unpack the layers of how you do this with individuals rather than your standard either brushing off of compliments or you receive them, but you're massively uncomfortable on the inside.
- [32:39]
Nicole Kahlil
Yeah. Okay. Tiffany, we could talk all day long. I'm super bummed. Or toward the end of this episode, but I need to give our listeners the opportunity to find and follow you. So it's Tiffany Hauser on LinkedIn. Her website is evolveeq.com we're going to put that and all the other ways to find and follow Tiffany in show notes. Thank you. This has been an exceptional conversation, and I'm actually kind of excited about. And I'm just going to call it bragging, even though I know that's not what we're doing now for the first time in a very long time. So thank you.
- [33:10]
Tiffany Hauser
Yes, thank you, Nicole. And thank you to everyone listening.
- [33:13]
Nicole Kahlil
Okay, friend, how about we all start practicing promoting and celebrating ourselves today? You have gifts that we both know that you're meant to share. You have purpose, maybe many purposes, and you're here for a reason. I know for damn sure that you have value, and it's your job over anyone else's to stand for it. There are people who won't like you, who don't get you, who won't work with you, and who won't pay you what you're worth. Those aren't your fucking people. And in the face of those people, I challenge you to use my second favorite four letter word. Next. Move on as fast as you can and go tell someone else about the awesomeness that is you. Unleash your confidence. Get it all over people. Go grab that spotlight and hold onto it. And while you're there, share it so other women can shine bright too. Be your own and each other's best hype person. And when you catch someone looking at you funny, let's just assume they're taking notes, because all of that is woman's work.