← This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
Stop Saying “I’m Fine”: Nervous System Regulation for High-Achieving Women with Michelle Grosser | 372
00:40:01
In this episode, nervous system strategist Michelle Grosser breaks down how dysregulation, chronic stress, and burnout are quietly running the show for high-achieving women — and exactly how to use somatic, body-based tools to get grounded, regulated, and back in control. If you’re tired of overthinking, over-functioning, and “I’m fine” lies, you’ll learn practical nervous system regulation tools you can use daily and in the moment when everything goes sideways.
Loading summary
Transcript35 lines
- [00:00]
A
Every holiday shopper's got a list. But Ross shoppers, you've got a mission like a gift run that turns into a disco, snow globe, throw pillows and PJs for the whole family.
- [00:08]
B
Dog included.
- [00:09]
A
At Ross, holiday magic isn't about spending more. It's about giving more for less. Ross, work your magic. So good, so good, so good.
- [00:18]
B
Give big, save big with Rack Friday deals at Nordstrom Rack. For a limited time, take an extra 40% off red tag clearance for everyone on your list. All sales final and restrictions apply. So bring your gift list and your wish list to your nearest Nordstrom Georgetown rack today. Hi, I'm Nicole Kahlil, and you're listening to the this Is Woman's Work podcast. We're together. We're redefining what it means, what it looks and feels like to be doing woman's work in the world today. And in today's world, woman's work often looks like juggling 12 things at once while assuring everyone, we're fine. We're. We're totally fine. Just fine. I said I'm fine, right? Aren't we all out there smiling through the stress, getting shit done and running on fumes? We push through because we care. We over function because we're capable. And we tell ourselves that it's just a season, which ends up being a lie. Because the season we're in feels comparable to winter in Alaska. And if you're anything like me, you've probably spent a whole lot of time trying to think your way to a better place. You try the strategies, you read the books, you take the courses, you listen to the podcasts, you look for, the gurus, you seek outside of yourself for the answers. But what if. And hear me out on this, these things are support systems, but not solutions. What if the next step isn't more learning, more doing, or more figuring it out? What if the thing that changes everything is being connected, being grounded and being regulated with and to your body? Because here's the deal. I don't care how many step by step guides you follow. You can't create peace from panic. You can take as many courses as you want, but you can't unlock creativity when you're in survival mode. And it doesn't matter how many leadership books you read, you still can't lead powerfully if your mind is sprinting and your body is screaming for rest. We've talked about burnout before. We've talked about the nervous system, and we're going to keep talking about them because we clearly keep needing to. So if you're feeling like all of your systems are nervous, this episode is for you. Michelle Grosser is a nervous system strategist, podcast host, and formal trial attorney who now helps high achieving women regulate from the inside out. Her science backed, somatically grounded approach to leadership is helping women get out of their heads, into their bodies, and finally feel grounded in the lives they've worked so very hard to build. Michelle, welcome to the show. And let's start by talking about why being busy, overworked, over committed, and all around burnt out has become sort of this badge of honor, like we talk about it so much.
- [03:16]
A
Oh man, you nailed that. I think there are so many, many factors at play. I think some of it is cultural, some of it is societal, some of it is, you know, things we've brought on ourselves and been conditioned to. And I also think that each of us is always playing one of two games, right? We're either playing an outside in game or an inside out game and you're nodding your head along. So this is probably something if you guys listen to this show you've heard of or you guys have talked about, but the idea that either I am looking to the outside to make me feel what it is that I'm wanting to experience, right, at peace, successful, fulfilled, productive, joyful, what have you, and looking to my work or my children or my spouse or everything on the outside, if I can just get it out there, it's going to be able to make me feel how I want to feel. So that's an outside in game or, or playing an inside out game, right where I understand that I am actually the source of everything that I want to experience. And I can certainly work hard and have big dreams and goals and want to be connected to people that I love. But regardless, right, I know that if I want to experience more joy or more peace or more patience or more success, that's actually an inside game. And I think we've gotten that really conflated. I think there's a lot of pressure on us as women, particularly high achieving, achieving women doing all the things and raising kids and managing a home. I think the help as far as like our community and our family and running the life that we run is very different than how I think it was actually designed to be. And then I also think that, you know, somehow, for some reason, call it the patriarchy, call it like whatever it is that you want to point to, it's probably a lot of things I think we've lost the truth that we all have limitations. Right. I have limitations on my time, on my energy, on my bandwidth, on my attention, all of these things. And we're expecting ourselves to be able to function at a pace for longer stretches than is actually possible. Forget practical. Right. So I think there's a lot of pieces at play there, but certainly I've run that race and it led me straight to burnout. Hence the work that I'm doing now.
- [05:39]
B
Okay, Michelle, truly, we could probably stop the podcast right there and have a phenomenal episode. There's so much in there. And the reason I was nodding my head so much is this is completely aligned with what I know to be true about confidence. I often say we get so many mixed and false messages about confidence. And the sneakiest one is that we are supposed to seek confidence outside of ourselves. Right. Like that it's somewhere out there, someone or something has our confidence and we gotta find it and get them to give it us or whatever. And it's only ever always an inside out game. So I know this to be true about trusting ourselves, which is how I define confidence firmly and boldly. And it's not even remotely surprising to me that this would be true about all the other things that we want that are important. And yet it's just so easy to default to knowing that we want certain things and then like trying to figure out how to get it. So like we talk about stamina, we talk about energy, we talk about focus, we talk about relationships, creativity. I mean, the list goes on of all the things that we want.
- [06:52]
A
Yeah.
- [06:53]
B
So if it's not an outside in game, how do we create those things internally? What are. I'm quick to go to doing, so challenge me every time I do that. Yeah, but what are some of the things that we should be listening to inside of our bodies for to create those things we want. Does my question make any sense?
- [07:15]
A
Yeah, I think so. So this is kind of what I'm hearing, let's say, I mean, I mean we can use, let's say, like being productive. Right. I think that's one of the things that it's really like get this planner and organize your calendar in this way and then optimize these 17 different things in your morning routine and you're going to have a productive day. Right. All of that is external. So let's kind of talk about. I think first you make a great distinction between doing and being. Cause that's a huge part of it. And then let's kind of jump in to how this works somatically with our body if that's okay. Does that make sense? Yes. Okay, great. Okay. I guess to start, I think a lot of times we get caught up in that hustle and kind of where our conversation started today and just doing all of these things because it's actually a miss. A disordered life, right? We are ordering our life. Or if we do all these things, or this is our thought process. If I do all these things, then I'll finally be able to have what it is that I'm chasing, right? And then I'll be able to experience the life I want to experience. So if I build the business, work hard, have the kids, get the marriage, get the house, get the all the things, right, Then I'll be able to have the money and the success and the, you know, peace of mind and what have you. And then I'll finally be able to, like, be present and grounded at work and at home. And that's just a mountain with no peak, right? You kind of alluded to it at the beginning. We get caught in the doing, and then lo and behold, there's always more doing. And it just never kind of seems to resolve itself. And then what we're chasing is always just like, just out of reach. Like, it's just over there. I see it so close. I just got to push harder and go harder. And it's. It's this illusion. So if we just reorder that, right, Instead of doing so, I can have. So then I can be. If we just kind of swap that and if we be and then do from that place of being, we actually get to have more of what we want to experience. Because like attracts like, right? It's the law of resonance. It's. We get to reap what we sow. So if we want to be fulfilled, let's say, or at peace or whatever, then what does it look like if we would do from that place? Like, what would peaceful, grounded Michelle do in the morning, right? She sure as heck wouldn't wake up to like, a blaring alarm, grab her phone, check her email, right? And get all that dopamine and cortisol pumping through her system and then wake up her kids when everyone's already running late and nothing's been prepped the night before and. Right? No, she would wake up and have. She would just be Peace, right? She would exude peace. She would make decisions from a place of peace. Her life would look so different. And then as a result, she would actually be able to have a peaceful morning. And then what she would be able to. To Attract is more peace. So I think that's kind of a good starting place to take a look at, like, hey, where am I doing? And trying to earn this stuff that I actually have the accountability, the opportunity to just be from that place. And I think that changes things. And let's talk about how this shows up in our body. I think a couple things when we talk about our nervous system. There are three different circuits in our nervous system, and we are always operating in one of those circuits. So when you think about, I like to liken it to driving a car, right? A car has a gas pedal and a car has a brake, just same thing as our nervous system. So both of those are very necessary in order for a car to be able to function and serve its purpose. Same is true for us, right? We need a little bit of that gas pedal, right? This morning, even just getting ready, preparing to be on your podcast, like, I needed a little bit of that go, go, go energy. I needed my brain to be sharp and focused and prepared. And we also need a break, right? There are times where I need to downshift, where my body needs to actually rest and recover. If I've been going too hard, I need to push on that break, right? And kind of slow things down. And. And there's always that constant, like a little bit of break, a little bit of gas. That's how our nervous system's designed to function. What happens is that so many of us are living the life, right? The pace, the expectations, the stimulation, the information, all of it, where that gas pedal is constantly on. And that's when we're in our sympathetic nervous system. We talk about being in fight or flight, and we can kind of talk about what that looks and feels like and then how it impacts how we lead at home and at work. But we're stuck in that space, and that has a huge impact. We're not designed to be stuck there. Or it's the other extreme, right? We're stuck in a freeze response with the brake pedal push down. And we feel really burnt out or disconnected or dissociated or we find we're procrastinating a lot. We feel overwhelmed, but we can't take action, right? So the key here is to have tools. And ultimately this is the work that I do and teach that when you notice you're in either of those two states, how can I help myself if I'm way up here? Activated, anxious, fight or flight, right? Feeling urgency. Everything's behind. There's not enough tools to bring myself downregulating. Back to baseline. And then when I'm feeling really low, how can I upregulate my energy with body based tools? And the reason, and I guess I'll kind of end here and then let you, you know, ask and take it where you want to take it. We start with our body is because as we study the nervous system, what we learn, and this is, this is so huge, you guys, is that only 20% of the nerves in our body are sending messages from, from our brain down to our body. What does that mean? That means if we're working only on mindset and affirmations and you know, planning out our day and the logistics and everything in our head. I mean, you talk about confidence, right? If we're trying to convince ourselves mentally to have confidence, let's say we have to speak on a stage, right? And we're, we're like, you're prepared. You've got this like your heart is still racing, your voice might still be cracking and it's hard to get it out, your hands are shaking. Because only 20% of the messaging in your body is coming from your head, your mindset work and sending messages down. The other 80% is what we call our afferent nervous system. That means it's taking its cues from our body and actually sending that up to our brain. What kind of cues is it taking? Well, if we're breathing really shallow and quick, our body is like, whoa, we're getting ready to run from something, right? Something's not safe. Message to the brain, right? Put us in fight or flight. If our muscles are tense. Oh, we're bracing, right? Something bad must be about to happen. Message up to the brain. Put us in fight or flight. If we're really jittery, if we're like, if our, if we have a pit in our stomach, if we have butterfly, all of those cues are being sent up to our brain. So if we're only working on our mindset stuff or our planning or intellectualizing everything, at the end of the day, it's like, it's like a four to one tug of war, right? We're going to lose every time. So we actually have to have tools to show our body, hey, we're good, right? We got this. You can downshift, give me access to the parts of my brain that let me show up grounded and in control and then that's the game changer.
- [14:21]
B
So that's fascinating to me because we do hear so much and spend so much time. I like brain to body, I think. And it's nice that it's 20% effective, but being able to have such a greater impact. I want to go back to something you said early on. I call it the false equation of confidence. But I think it applies here too. It's that if X happens, then I'll feel whatever it is that you want to feel. And it's again that looking for something external, as opposed to the equation that actually works is if I'm X, I'm more likely to get whatever it is that I want, or if I'm confident or if I'm safe, or if I'm whatever it is that we claim we want. If I'm creative, then I'm more likely to get this. This thing. So I want to talk about some of these tools. But before we do, in my preparation, I read something that you say that there's a connection between success and safety in the nervous system. Why is that and what does that mean? Because obviously a lot of us really want success. And I think maybe. I mean, I know we all want safety, but it seems like something we don't think about as much as successful.
- [15:34]
A
Yeah. Oh, what a good question. Okay, so our nervous system, as our body's command center, has one primary function. Like, it's always only looking out for and concerned about one thing that's keeping us safe. Right? Like, it doesn't care if we take good, calculated risks. It doesn't care if we feel fulfilled. It doesn't care if we're successful. It doesn't care about if we're confident, any of that. It only cares if we're safe. So that's going to be the primary function. We know now that 95 to 98% of everything that we think, say and do every day is governed by our subconscious. Our nervous system. Right. It's just making decisions, calling the shots without us even being aware of it all day long. How does that relate to our success? When we were talking about that analogy with the car, the gas pedal or the brake. When we're stuck with a gas pedal on, I. E. In fight or flight. Or let's. Let's just start there. When we're stuck in fight or flight, knowing that our nervous system has one job to keep us safe because we're in that stress response and our nervous system is prioritizing safety, it actually. When we're in that state, it actually shuts down our prefrontal cortex. That's the part of our brain that is responsible for all executive function. So if we want to have access to higher levels of communication. Right. Being able to brainstorm and be creative.
- [16:57]
B
Solve, make a decision.
- [16:58]
A
Making decisions, right? Seeing things from different perspectives, managing moving parts, planning anything. We need access to that front part of our brain. It's awesome. And relative to the emergency response part of our brain, it's very slow, right? You touch a hot stove, you don't need your prefrontal cortex to be like, should I lift my hand or not? Right? It bypasses that part of our brain. The alarm center comes right on. And it's just instinct, right? So when we're operating in fight or flight, day in, day out, which actually most of us do, that part of our brain, our prefrontal cortex is not online. And our subconscious patterns and our fears and, you know, our risk aversion and our fear of rejection and embarrassment and criticism and all these things keep us playing really small. So if we can. One note. I notice when I'm in fight or flight two, I have tools to shift out of that state and bring me back to a place of regulation. That's the third circuit or ventral vagal, where we want to be spending most of our time. Bam. What happens? My free. My prefrontal cortex can come back online, and I have access to all of my mental faculties that help me achieve the success I'm after.
- [18:13]
B
Let's call this what it is. A brief interruption. But supporting the sponsors keeps the lights on and the mics on here. So I'm grateful to you for listening. December is chaos. And then, if we're lucky, it slows. And what I look forward to most right now is being home, being in something soft, moving from the couch to the bed and back again, wrapped in comfort and actually resting. That's what success looks like. And Cozy Earth has us covered. Their bamboo sheets are the softest and the coziest without the overheating. And you know that matters. And the Cozy Earth housecoat and pajamas are my favorites for movie nights, reading, and doing absolutely nothing. Cozy Earth has basically provided my winter uniform. So head on over to cozyearth.com and use code womanswork for up to 20% off, because if woman's work had a uniform, it would be this. That's cozyearth.com promo code womanswork. Give yourself and the people you love the gift of comfort that lasts well beyond the holidays and into a very cozy new year. Sex is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and mastered. Bet you never thought about it like that, right? Because somehow somewhere women were told, we're supposed to magically know everything about sex, intimacy, desire and pleasure. All of course, while looking goddess like. Meanwhile, nobody expects us to pick up a violin and play without a single lesson. And that's why Beducated exists. Think of it as the masterclass library your sex ed should have been over 150 courses created by top experts on everything from building real intimacy to exploring new territory. Whether you're thinking I want more connection or I want to change things up or I just want to stop second guessing what I'm doing, Beducated has you covered. And because it's December and it's so freaking cold, here's your chance to turn up the heat in the best way. Sign up for Beducated at Beducate me and use code womanswork to get 50% off the yearly pass. Locked in for life? Yes, forever. It also comes with a 14 day money back guarantee, so it's completely risk free. Click the link in show notes, get Beducated and make this winter your hottest one yet. Pure hydration has made a big difference for me and apparently for JJ too, who is not only drinking more water, she's also giving away half her packets to teammates like she's running some sort of underground hydration ring. Honestly, I'm just glad they're drinking water. Which is why I'm really excited to try Cure Energy. It's a plant based energy drink mix with natural caffeine and electrolyte so you get the boost and the hydration without the shakes and the jitters. With no added sugar or artificial junk, Cure Energy delivers a refreshing boost you can feel good about. I'm planning to use it during my afternoon slump when my brain really thinks it's time to be done for the day. And if it's anything like their hydration packs, I know it's going to be a game changer. And here's a bonus cure is FSA HSA approved so you can use your FSA or HSA funds to stay hydrated and boost energy. The smart way for this is Woman's work listeners. You can get 20% off your first order at cure hydration.com womanswork with code womanswork and if you get a post purchase survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cure right here. It really does help support the show. So don't just drink more water, upgrade it with Cure. Incredible. So what are some of these tools? What? What do we need to be putting in our toolbox that focuses on the 80% body to brain inside out because we have A lot of shit in our toolbox that goes the other direction, right?
- [21:46]
A
That's right. Yeah, we do. And then we get frustrated because we're like, man, I've been doing this forever and I'm. I still feel stuck. Okay. I like to talk about it both in the micro and the macro. So big picture, there are things that we need to do, incorporate, deal with, frankly in our life that are dysregulators or regulators. Right. That on the day to day they're. These are just like lifestyle, big picture picture things. And we also want to have in the moment tools. Right? Big picture, I'm kind of, I'm really taking care of my nervous system. It's growing in resilience and flexibility. I can handle way more stress than I used to be able to handle and it doesn't send me into fight or flight. However, life's going to keep on lifing and in the moment stuff is still going to trigger me and bother me and frustrate me and annoy me and make me anxious. And I want to have in the moment tools to shift the state of my nervous system. Okay. So I'm going to go through some of the things that kind of shrink our bandwidth, shrink our window of tolerance and make us really susceptible to having this rigid nervous system that. Where it just doesn't take much for us to be thrown into fight orf flight or freeze response 1. I think emotional regulation is huge. So if we do not have practices to feel right to, to actually release our emotions, especially those big ones that are really uncomfortable, frankly, we run into a lot in business and life and parenting and we are masters at suppressing and repressing. That takes a massive amount of energy and that shrinks our bandwidth and it dysregulates our nervous system. So I think emotional hygiene, if you will, is really, is really important. And then it's things like boundaries, right? What are we protecting? I teach boundaries around our attention, our behaviors, our bandwidth, and then our inner child. Right. How are we fostering and reparenting that part of ourselves? What are our coping mechanisms for stress? That's a big one. But then I. There are three daily things that I teach in this big picture thing and I can go through them really quickly. But one is movement. Movement. There's no way around it. It's the number one most efficient way to regulate our nervous system. I mean, if you even just think about the term fight or flight, every cell in our being is primed for movement because we want to fight or we want to run Right. Our body's like, ah, we're freaking out, like the numbers don't match or this client called upset, something's not safe, we should run or we should fight. And most of us spend a lot of our day, right? Not moving, sitting down, sedentary. So movement, daily movement is the number one regulator for your nervous system. Second is stillness. We have to have pockets during the day where our brain is not being inundated with information and demands and sounds and, you know, ask requests for snacks, like whatever it is. So if you have a meditation practice or something like that, awesome, Good on you. For someone like me, I just like, man, if I'm going to drive, commute or drive to the grocery store or something, like, can I do that just in silence, right? Can I come back from morning drop off and just be in silence? Can I fold the laundry without having the TV going in the background? Our brain needs those pockets to reorganize, right? To flesh itself out, to be creative. And a lot of us are just going, going, going. From the moment we wake up. There's always sounds, noises, right? Lights, requests, information. And our brain doesn't have the chance to wind down and do the work that it does in those times. And then the third one is play. So many of us, we work so hard and it's like, man, my schedule's already so busy, like, I don't have time to play. That's for kids. I don't even know what I would do but play. And what I mean by that is really just doing something that like brings you joy for no reason, right? There's no end that you're after. You know, when we play, we're only able to access that when our body feels fully at ease, right? We're able to kind of get lost in it. No one needs anything from us. So play is a really strong regulator of our nervous system. It will actually grow your bandwidth in a huge way to increase the capacity of the stress you can hold. So putting in pockets of play. So those are like the big picture things that really help grow the resilience.
- [26:07]
B
And Michelle, I just want to reiterate that those you said are daily practices, movement, stillness and play. So I have to imagine, like me, there are some people who are listening, like, I play once a quarter. We're talking about daily. Yes.
- [26:21]
A
Yeah, I mean, ideally, right? Like moving your body. I think if you can move your body four or five days a week, awesome, right? If you can go for a walk without your headphones and your phone, you're getting in stillness and movement at the same time and then play, I mean, more regularly than you are right now, I think is a win. None of this is really rigid, but yeah, and, and you know, what I teach is like, you don't have to over complicate it. You don't have to go out and buy something. Like, do you love playing soccer with your kids in the backyard after dinner? Go do that. Do you love to, you know, read fict before bed? Go do that. Do you love to paint or bake cookies on the weekend or play an instrument or go shoot hoops in the yard or garden? Like just do more of that. Yeah.
- [27:00]
B
Okay, so I'm glad you said that because that was going to be my second part. My point in saying daily was that more frequently than we probably think or more than we're probably doing. Right. But then that second piece was. I think women especially have a tendency to like, am I doing it right? Right. And so it's almost becomes contradictory somehow because we're so focused on checking boxes or doing it right or this doesn't count or whatever. And so I'm glad you said that. What I heard is that this is not meant to be rigid. There is flexibility and you gotta really check in with you and your body about what works and what feels good. And I hone in on movement specifically. My regular listeners are probably so sick of me saying this, but I think when many of us think of movement as women, we think of like, I need to be dripping sweat at the gym. And we think about it in the context of what's gonna make us look the best. And when we're talking about movement here, sure, if that it feels good to you and you wanna do that, great. I'm not saying don't go to the gym or don't work out hard, but I wanna make sure that we're counting a walk or playing soccer with our kid. We're talking about movement, not a workout, hour long thing. Correct?
- [28:24]
A
Yes. And that's such a good distinction. And I'm glad you brought that up because when we talk about high intensity workout workouts, moving our body with high intensity, our body, our brain, they've developed, they've evolved in such amazing ways. There's still a way for us to go. Our brain does not do a good job differentiating between good and bad stress. Stress is stress. So when we actually engage in really high intensity workouts, we're actually stressing our body. That's probably already beyond the bandwidth of the stress we can handle. So a lot of the women that I work with that come in and they're really high, right? High activity. They're feeling anxious, everything's urgent. They're feeling like they're always on edge. It's actually dialing back a lot of those really intense workouts. And yes, go for a walk, right? Sit on your floor and just do some stretching or some Pilates or some yoga or. Because a lot of times before we can regulate our nervous system, our body actually can't handle the additional stress of a really high intensity workout. Yeah.
- [29:23]
B
Okay. I cannot let you go without asking about this. I think when we think about the outside in approach, what we end up creating is a lot of overthinking, a lot of anxious feelings, a lot of stress, like from a urgency, got to get shit done place.
- [29:39]
A
Yes.
- [29:39]
B
You talk a lot about being grounded. And that going inside out approach will have you start to be living and leading from a grounded state. I'm curious your thoughts. Being grounded for me is something that I have a really hard time articulating it. I know it when I feel it. There is something of like, there's almost a physical. Like I do feel more like feet on the ground, settled. But what are we talking about here? When we talk about being grounded or a grounded state, what does that look and feel like? So we know it when it happens?
- [30:20]
A
Yeah. Oh, what a good question. And I love that. Even as you were trying to articulate it for yourself, what was coming through is how it feels. Right? And I think that's so important. So how does it feel to be grounded? And we talk about feel. I'm talking about sensations in our body, right? I'm talking about emotions. I'm talking. So what is it? What does it look or feel like or what might it look and feel like to be grounded? I'll speak for me personally. When I am grounded, I do not feel like I'm running behind. When I am grounded, right. I do not feel this sense of like, urgency that there's not enough. I'm operating from a place of abundance, right. And I think that can go in a lot of different places for me. It's usually time and resources as far as like help kind of abundance and not this scarcity of like, there's so much to do today and not enough time to get it done and I don't have enough help kind of place. When I am grounded, I'm able to be present, right? So I can sit down at my desk and I can be where my feet are. And when the work day is Done. I can go be where my feet are with my family and make dinner and be present in conversation with them. Present to me because I know what the opposite looks like, right? When I'm not grounded, I'm constantly checking my phone and I'm constantly looking for, you know, refreshing my email or my social media or what have you. That's. That. That's me caught in hyper vigilance or fight or flight. When I'm grounded, what does my speech look like? Right? A lot of us, when we're in fight or flight will tend to speak very quickly, right? And the words will just keep coming and. And they won't stop. Or we find that we're, you know, our. Our. Our tone will change or the volume of our voice will change. So how does that sound? Like when you're really present and grounded, it probably, you know, your cadence will change and your tone and your volume will change. Do I have the capacity to see things from other people's perspectives? Right? Can I access empathy and compassion? How about when I'm grounded? Do I have the ability to access curiosity before judgment? For me, that's a huge one. When I'm not grounded, I'm so quick, right? To, like, judge myself for everything, man. Like, why did you do that? That wasn't good enough. That's not gonna work. Like, you're. Every time you yell at your kids, you're, like, ruining them, you know, whatever that judgmental voice comes up about myself and others, right? Critical about my husband, critical about my team. When I'm grounded, whoa. I get curious. I notice it, man. I wonder why I did that. Oh, that's so interesting that I chose to say that instead of this. Let me. Let me go back and, like, rewind that and see how I can make sure I don't do that next time. I wonder why my team did this, right? So I think. I mean, that's a lot of things all over the place, but I think when we feel grounded, it is. It's all encompassing. And I think the. The best word to associate it with is I'm just really able to be in the here and now. Yeah.
- [33:15]
B
I'm so glad you said that about the judgment, because I can't speak for everybody else, but, like, amen, right? Like, that's a really big sign for me that I am not in a very grounded or regulated place. Now, I said that was gonna be my last question, but I have to ask this because I don't wanna skip over it. No matter how much we practice any of these daily Tools or that we are emotionally regulated or have good boundaries or really great with our coping mechanisms. Life still keeps lifing, as you said. And so what about some of these back pocket in the moment hits the fan? And what are some of those tools that we need to know about for sure?
- [33:55]
A
Okay, so our body does not speak a verbal language. Right? That's why, like have you ever been really upset about something or frustrated or annoyed and someone's like been like, nicole, just calm down. It's like that, that never works that way. Or to myself, right? Like that actually makes me rage even harder. I'm like, are you kidding me right now? Like, I wish I had thought of that. I would love to calm down right now, but that's just not what my body is doing. Right. So it doesn't speak a verbal language. How does our receive communications of safety, which is ultimately what it's always seeking? Movement, sound, breath, touch, temperature, changes, pressure, like compression, a weighted blanket, something like that. All of these are different ways in which our body receives the message of safety. So we want to have like you said, back pocket tools that help shift the state of our nervous system. So to a certain extent these are bio individual and certain tools will help certain people more than others. But I'll give you like a quick three that I think are super helpful that seem to work with a lot of the women that I teach. The first is called the physiological breath. This is my favorite breath. It takes 10 seconds. Maybe I'm going to teach it to you guys right now and then we can do it together a couple times and you'll feel in real time how it can help shift the state of your nervous system. And maybe three or four cycles. So this is how it, it works. I'll talk us through it once and then we'll do it together a couple times. But you breathe in through your nose. And when it feels like you're at the top of your breath, one more quick sip of yep. In through your nose and then out through your mouth through pursed lips. Long, slow, extended exhale. Let those shoulders just drop. So let's do it together twice. In through your nose. When you get to the top, another quick inhale through your nose. Out through your mouth. Let everything drop your shoulders. Good, Keep it going. Extend that exhale one more time in through your nose. Another quick one at the top and out through your mouth. Beautiful. And that's two breaths. I don't know how long that took. 10 seconds, right? Just a couple more of those and you can do that while you're driving. You can do it in a meeting. You can do it when your kids are fighting, like, whenever. So that's a breath. There's so many different kinds of breath, but that's my favorite temperature. When you're feeling both in fight or flight or in a freeze response, our body responds to temperature changes really well to help bring regulation. So, for example, if you're feeling like you're overwhelmed, right? And, man, I'm, like, just stuck. I'm so overwhelmed, or like, I'm so anxious about something I can't even get started. And we're really worried about this. Go to your freezer, grab a bag of, like, frozen vegetables or peas or whatever you have in there. Hold that to the back of your neck. You can hold it on your hands, your wrists. You can even touch it to your cheeks. That does a couple of things. One, it activates our dive reflex, which actually activates our parasympathetic nervous system, which is our body's calming mechanism. And then on the back of our neck, that activates our vagus nerve, which is nerve that runs from our brainstem to all our major organs, also our body's calming mechanism. So that's like a quick tool that can be really helpful. 30 seconds a minute, right? And you'll notice a shift in the state of your nervous system. And then the last one I'll give is called shaking. And it's exactly what it sounds like. So our bodies, when we are in a fight or flight response, let's say there's a physiological response to that, right? So let's say an email comes through, and we just feel that, like, jolt of like, oh, my gosh, right? Like, you know, a client's upset or something didn't happen, or someone dropped the ball, and I just realized it. That's not just a realization. Our body starts to release cortisol and adrenaline, our stress hormones, to mobilize us to fight or flight. And we usually don't do that, right? But our body has to have some way of metabolizing and discharging all of those hormones. And then second, we tend to brace, right? Tense our muscles when we're in fight or flight. So a lot of us, maybe you guys are even doing it right now, right? Your tongue's pressed to the roof of your mouth, your jaw might be clenched, your neck, your shoulders, we're just holding tension. Those are all sending cues again, right from our body to our brain that something bad is about to happen. Stay in a stress response. So if we can help our Bodies to loosen that and then move to discharge a lot of that pent up stress. That's enough to shift the state of our nervous system. And our dogs do it, right? We're just wired to do this.
- [38:24]
B
I was like, I've been thinking about my dog this whole time. I'm like, do all dogs do this? I think they do. But like, I love when he does the full body head to butt shake. It does something for me too. So, yeah, anyway, keep going.
- [38:34]
A
And then what does he do? He goes on with his life, right? He's like, I'm over it. Yeah, that's it.
- [38:39]
B
Yeah.
- [38:39]
A
So the same is true for us. And we can. Like, what I do is I'll put on a song or sometimes I can't. I usually do it here in my office, but sometimes if I'm in public, like, I'll go to the bathroom I like, and I just shake out my hands, put them above my head, like wiggle my hands, wiggle my arms, wiggle. My legs kind of bounce around a little bit. 30, 90 seconds. 30, 60, 90 seconds. Right? That's enough. And then I'm able to reset and then come back out again. Access to my prefrontal cortex and I can address whatever was before me that felt overwhelming a couple minutes ago. So those are some of my favorites.
- [39:13]
B
Michelle, thank you. Fascinating stuff. Super important, super helpful listener. I know you're like me. Going to head right to her website, michelle grocer.com forward/reset. You can get her Nervous system reset guide, which has a lot of these tools. So again, Michelle Grosser.com forward/reset. Reset. We'll put that and all the other ways to find and follow Michelle in show notes. Michelle, thank you.
- [39:37]
A
Oh, my goodness, such a pleasure. You are a joy. Thanks for having me.
- [39:41]
B
My pleasure entirely. Okay, friend, how about we stop pretending we're fine when we're anything but? Let's stop confusing burnout with ambition. Let's stop worshiping the hustle and start listening to the wisdom of our bodies. Because the truth is the version of you that's grounded, rested and regulated, that version makes better decisions. She leads with clarity. She creates with confidence. She connects more deeply. She's not just more productive, she's more powerful. So breathe, stretch, slow the hell down. And let's get out of our heads and back into our bodies. And remember, you are the solution you've been searching for. Because coming home to yourself, well, that is always woman's work. The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online, and more personal info in more places that could expose you more to identity theft. But LifeLock monitors millions of data points per second. If your identity is stolen, our US Based restoration specialists will fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Don't face drained accounts, fraudulent loans or financial losses alone. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with LifeLock. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit LifeLock.com podcast terms apply there's fishing.
- [41:03]
A
And then there's fishing out here you're after dinner. Online hackers are after your data. They'll bait you with fake emails, look alike sites, anything to look lure you in. But with Cisco Duo's end to end fishing resistant access control, every login, every device, every user stays protected. Looks like no one's biting today. Cisco Duo fishing season is over.
- [41:29]
B
Learn more@duo.com corporate megastores are spending millions lobbying D.C. politicians on one sided policies that send small businesses tumbling. They want to enact harmful credit card mandates that take resources away from your local credit union and community bank, leaving Main street businesses with less access to credit, making it harder for your family to pay for everyday goods like gas and groceries. Tell Congress to guard your card and oppose the Durbin Marshall credit card mandates.
- [42:00]
A
Paid for by Electronic Payments Coalition.