This Is Woman's Work with Nicole Kalil
Episode: The Good Mother Myth with Nancy Reddy | 274
Release Date: January 22, 2025

Introduction

In Episode 274 of This Is Woman's Work, host Nicole Kalil engages in a candid and insightful conversation with author Nancy Reddy about the pervasive "Good Mother Myth." This episode delves deep into societal expectations of motherhood, challenging outdated stereotypes, and exploring the real-life implications these myths have on modern mothers.

Challenging the Supermom Ideal

Nicole Kalil begins the discussion by sharing her personal stance on motherhood, famously declaring, "I am not a great mom. I don't even aspire to be one" (01:24). This bold admission sets the tone for a frank exploration of unrealistic maternal expectations. Nancy Reddy echoes this sentiment, reflecting on her initial misconceptions: "I had this idea that I would just somehow be able to do everything... the myth of the super mom" (05:30). Both women highlight the intense pressure women face to juggle multiple roles flawlessly, a narrative deeply ingrained in societal norms.

Historical Context and Outdated Research

The conversation shifts to the roots of the Good Mother Myth, with Nancy Reddy unpacking historical research that continues to influence modern parenting ideals. She points out, "The research that I'm looking at is mostly post-war era, the 50s and the 60s... the ideas are still really with us" (07:28). Reddy criticizes studies from that period, such as those by Harry Harlow and Dr. Spock, for their flawed and often misogynistic perspectives, which erroneously positioned mothers as the sole essential caregivers.

Nicole adds a critical layer by addressing the romanticized view of historical motherhood: "Motherhood has almost carried, like this nostalgic thing... but women were doing a lot outside of caring for their children" (09:42). They both agree that past portrayals of mothers are often inaccurate, placing undue expectations on contemporary mothers to emulate an idealized, often unattainable, standard.

The Myth of Perfect Parenting

Nicole challenges the notion that perfect parenting can shield children from life's adversities: "The idea that if we do it right... our child will not face any pain or harm... I can remember things that I've told my mom, like, I, I, this really hurt me..." (10:46). Nancy concurs, emphasizing that such myths undermine children's autonomy and resilience: "It's really easy to get caught up in a kind of performance of motherhood that's about other people's expectations" (13:29).

Community Support in Parenting

A pivotal part of the episode focuses on the importance of community in dismantling the Good Mother Myth. Nancy shares personal anecdotes about the invaluable support she received from friends and extended family: "The people who would just come... hold the baby... what we do in their childhood is not usually what I intended them to remember" (25:28). Nicole reinforces this by highlighting the diverse influences in her child's upbringing, attributing her child's openness to language and critical skills to the broader community's involvement.

Mental Health and Motherhood

The discussion takes an essential turn towards mental health, with Nicole recounting her own struggles in the early days of motherhood: "I don't think I was meant to do this. I genuinely believed I had made a huge grand mistake" (30:45). Nancy emphasizes the critical need to recognize motherhood as a significant transformational phase that warrants adequate mental health support: "Maternal mental health... we don't really take seriously enough what an enormous transformation it is" (29:15). They advocate for greater awareness and resources to support mothers in navigating the emotional complexities of parenting.

Conclusion: Redefining Woman's Work

Nicole wraps up the episode by reiterating the central theme: motherhood—and by extension, all "woman's work"—is subjective and personal. She encourages listeners to define their roles authentically, free from societal pressures: "Being a good mom or a good human isn't about fitting into some outdated mold... It's about doing what works for you, your family and your life" (32:19). The episode concludes with a powerful message about modeling healthy, self-defined roles for the next generation, underscoring that genuine fulfillment comes from authenticity rather than conformity.

Notable Quotes

• Nicole Kalil (01:24): "I am not a great mom. I don't even aspire to be one."

• Nancy Reddy (05:30): "The myth of the super mom... who just knows what to do, can do it all."

• Nicole Kalil (09:42): "Motherhood has almost carried, like this nostalgic thing... women were doing a lot outside of caring for their children."

• Nancy Reddy (13:29): "If you have a community, if you have people who will just hang out with you, it's so much more valuable than the kind of experts and advice."

• Nicole Kalil (30:45): "I don't think I was meant to do this. I genuinely believed I had made a huge grand mistake."

Key Takeaways

1. Debunking Myths: The episode critically examines and dismantles the entrenched myths surrounding motherhood, particularly the unrealistic expectations of being a "supermom."

2. Historical Influence: Outdated and often flawed historical research continues to shape contemporary parenting norms, necessitating a reevaluation of these inherited beliefs.

3. Community Support: Building and relying on a supportive community is essential for realistic and fulfilling parenting, challenging the notion of solitary motherhood.

4. Mental Health Awareness: Recognizing and addressing the mental health challenges inherent in motherhood is crucial for the well-being of both mothers and their children.

5. Authentic Definition of Motherhood: Embracing a personalized and authentic approach to motherhood empowers women to prioritize their well-being and that of their families over societal expectations.

For more insights and resources discussed in this episode, listeners are encouraged to explore Nancy Reddy's book, "The Good Mother Myth," available on Amazon and at local bookstores. Additionally, Nancy's Substack, Write More. Be Less Careful, offers further reflections and discussions on modern motherhood.