#580 - David Spade

Summary

Podcast Summary: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von - Episode #580 featuring David Spade

Introduction and Welcome (02:36 – 05:00)

In this episode of This Past Weekend with Theo Von, host Theo Von warmly welcomes legendary comedian and actor David Spade. Theo expresses his deep appreciation for David's friendship and comedic prowess, highlighting David's iconic roles in classics like Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, and Joe Dirt.

Notable Quote:
Theo Von [02:36]: "Today's guest is a legendary comedian, an actor. He's a friend of mine, probably my closest friend in Hollywood... I'm happy to welcome back today's guest, Mr. David Spade."

Discussion on "Busboys" Movie Project (05:00 – 16:00)

Theo and David delve into their collaborative project, the movie Busboys. They reminisce about the challenging yet rewarding process of creating a film independently, without the backing of major studios like Paramount or Netflix. David shares insights into the complexities of pre-production, budgeting, casting, and the overall grind of movie-making.

Notable Quotes:
David Spade [05:45]: "It's very tough to get through a movie. I always say, after a movie, I'm not doing this again. It's too hard."
Theo Von [09:04]: "But you have to ask, what do you think is kind of one of the toughest parts?"

Challenges and Experiences During Filming (16:00 – 28:22)

The conversation shifts to the day-to-day experiences on set. David recounts humorous and stressful moments, such as dealing with malfunctioning cars and improvising scenes under difficult conditions. They discuss the mental and physical toll of filming, emphasizing the dedication required to bring a project to fruition.

Notable Quotes:
David Spade [22:04]: "It was quite humiliating. The guy didn't believe for a second we were special."
Theo Von [29:26]: "It's funny because we're actually good together because I think you're great."

Comedy Specials and Career Insights (28:22 – 58:12)

David shares his journey in the comedy world, including his experiences working on Saturday Night Live (SNL) and the difficulties of maintaining originality in his acts. He touches upon the evolution of his comedy specials, highlighting the balance between old favorites and new material. Theo and David also discuss the impact of personal struggles on their comedic styles.

Notable Quotes:
David Spade [35:07]: "We have to pick one, lock it down. And then we'll probably... get a feel for where there's a dead spot."
Theo Von [39:50]: "Yeah, you want somebody who's in there sandblasting their fucking clavicles in the morning."

Anecdotes from Life on the Road (58:12 – 77:51)

Theo and David engage in a series of humorous anecdotes about touring, interacting with fans, and the quirks of life on the road. They share memorable stories, including encounters with friends, mishaps during performances, and the lighter side of managing a hectic schedule. Their camaraderie shines through as they navigate various funny and awkward situations together.

Notable Quotes:
David Spade [61:12]: "He looks like a reptilian."
Theo Von [64:36]: "You have to make a million to clear 350."

Reflections on Legacy and Collaborations (77:51 – 78:25)

As the episode wraps up, Theo reflects on the enduring legacy of their collaborations and the impact of past projects on their careers. David expresses his gratitude for the opportunity to work closely with Theo and looks forward to the fruition of their current projects.

Notable Quotes:
Theo Von [77:51]: "And you look great, dude."
David Spade [78:03]: "I love it, dude. You always crack me up."

Conclusion

Theo Von concludes the episode by reiterating his appreciation for David Spade’s participation and humor. He encourages listeners to check out David’s latest work and promotes the ongoing Busboys project as it approaches its release.

Notable Quote:
Theo Von [78:25]: "You guys, one of the greats. One of the funniest people I've ever met, man. I feel lucky to be able to know you."

---

Key Takeaways:

• Collaborative Creativity: Theo and David emphasize the challenges and rewards of creating independent projects, highlighting the importance of creative control and collaboration.

• Resilience in Comedy: Both comedians discuss maintaining originality and adapting to personal and professional challenges, showcasing their resilience in the evolving comedy landscape.

• Life on the Road: The anecdotes shared provide insight into the unpredictable and humorous aspects of touring, underscoring the strong friendship and mutual support between Theo and David.

• Legacy and Impact: Reflecting on past collaborations, the duo underscores the lasting impact of their work and the excitement surrounding their future projects.

This episode offers listeners an engaging glimpse into the dynamic between two beloved comedians, enriched with humor, candid reflections, and relatable stories from their careers.

Transcript

[Theo Von]

You know, life's better with a good hack, like learning the secret menu at your favorite restaurant or stumbling upon a buy one, get one sale at the mall. Well, there's a wireless hack, too, and it's called Visible. Visible's like ordering from the secret menu in wireless. You get unlimited data and hotspot, and plans start at just $25 a month for one line, taxes and fees included. Plus, Visible runs on Verizon's 5G network for great coverage, fast speeds, and a seamless connection. And it's all digital. Don't like going to the phone store? Visible doesn't have them. You switch from your phone and manage your plan in an app. Now, that's a hack. If you're ready for wireless that lets you live in the know, make the [e-mail]. plans start at $25 a month for our best features. Get the new Visible Plus Pro plan for $45 a month. Terms apply. See visible.com for plan features and network management details right here. We've got some new, new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on July 9, Rochester, New York, on July 10, and Detroit, Michigan, on July 11th and 12th at the Fox Theater as well. We have shows upcoming in Miami, Cedar Rapids, St. Paul, Fargo, Rapid City, Winnipeg, and Calgary. You can get all your [e-mail] t o u R thank you so much for the support. Today's guest is a legendary comedian, an actor. He's a friend of mine, probably my closest friend in Hollywood, I'll say that. Or out of that area, you know, and it. I just feel blessed to know him. He's got a new special, Dandelion, streaming now on Prime Video. You know, his classic movies. Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Joe Dirt. This guy's got a big heart, I'll tell you that. And one of the biggest senses of humor that exists. I'm happy to welcome Back today's guest, Mr. David Spade. All right, we ready?

[David Spade]

We ready. Waiting. Waiting. This is the waiting game.

[Theo Von]

Waiting for Gal Gadot. Have you seen that movie, that play, Waiting for Gal?

[David Spade]

Yeah, Waiting. I like Gal Gadot.

[Theo Von]

Waiting for Gal Gadot. It's like a new. It's a female take on.

[David Spade]

No, it's not.

[Theo Von]

You haven't seen that.

[David Spade]

Waiting on Gal Gadot. Oh, I would wait on her.

[Theo Von]

No, it's in a. It's a. It's a Waiting on Godot.

[David Spade]

That one.

[Theo Von]

It's a book that her assistant wrote.

[David Spade]

There's one called Waiting. Is that true? That's a good One if it is. You know what's a good one? Waiting on.

[Theo Von]

Sorry, waiting on who?

[David Spade]

That's what. Rachel Zeigler. Oh, yeah. That's what the head of Disney wrote, that book.

[Theo Von]

Waiting on Rachel Ziegler, dude. Well, what happened. They didn't put. What happened with that whole thing? They didn't put little people in it. Right first. Is that what happened?

[David Spade]

Oh, in Snow White? Yeah, Snow White. I think the problem was there was a. I don't think there's any problem with casting her. Gal Gadot is gorgeous. She's a good, wicked queen. I think they started with the dwarfs and they made them. I don't know what happened. Dwarfs should. I think the idea was they should work like, if.

[Theo Von]

Right. Little people should have the ability.

[David Spade]

There's seven jobs out of the ten a year. So let's give them these seven and. And then. I don't think I would leave it up to them. Do you guys want to work? You know, I sound like it's so horrible, you guys. I mean, listen, there's a lot that work. People say Peter Dinklage, but they can't name 10 more that are. That work a lot. So, hell, leave it up to them.

[Theo Von]

Well, yeah. Well, I think they also. I think it got pretty DEI here, too, which is fine, but it's like if they were white to, like, is.

[David Spade]

The first one is that. That's not.

[Theo Von]

These are the original.

[David Spade]

Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

I mean, I think his wife lets him. He has been. He hasn't been doing well.

[David Spade]

He's standing. Oh, yeah. His wife kicked him out.

[Theo Von]

And first of all, that's Friar Tuck, who they obviously just repurposed from Robin Hood, so that's not cool.

[David Spade]

Oh, right. And. And so they just. This is their new version. It's the exact.

[Theo Von]

And who is that? That's like 49ers quarterback. That's.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Throws a. Parks. That guy. What's his name?

[David Spade]

Mac, the JJ Walker. Close to the back.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

David, can you pull your mic up closer? Closer than this? That's what guys say when they put their wiener in my face. Can it go a little closer? I go, why? What are we doing? This isn't a blowjob. They go, no, no, no. Just try to touch the back of your throat with it. I go, but that sounds like it's heading towards a beach.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah.

[David Spade]

Oh, is he talking about Kaepernick?

[Theo Von]

Yeah. There's your boy right there. And who's the last guy at the end of the line? That is.

[David Spade]

That guy.

[Theo Von]

No, that scroll.

[David Spade]

Yeah, that's the guy in the back.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, the guy in the back.

[David Spade]

That's a woman. No, that isn't. It could be that guy's just a homeless dude that walked on set.

[Theo Von]

Temporary lazy.

[David Spade]

They really got effed on Snow White, though. That is. It did not work in any way, shape or form.

[Theo Von]

So cool. And I guess people didn't like it.

[David Spade]

Then Minecraft came along and beat the fucking shit out of it.

[Theo Von]

Also Snow White. It should be about the Fentanyl problem, huh?

[David Spade]

I think China White was. I was around for China White when I was a kid. Like, that was the. I was so lucky because you used to do a little sniffy jiffy, I heard. And it is fun. There are negatives, but we always start with the positives. Especially about that. If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a bus boy, I would have definitely gone crazy. I could not. Thank God. I could do a quarter gram in a weekend. Then I just. I could only afford 25 bucks. That was it. And, yeah, even that wasn't money well spent. But don't get all excited. You're getting a boner. It is exciting. I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun. It was hard to just quit it. But it just. I just watch. And you go, no way to have a career. There's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you got to do. And people like to rat you out. And people like to say, this guy, you know, he's. Oh, deesh dish.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Little power flower now and then. So if they start getting that word out there, I luckily never got that word. I didn't do any of the whole snl. And that's the funniest part, is that I did dabbled a little bit before that just because I was in showbiz.

[Theo Von]

And you're from Arizona? Scottsdale.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Snottsdale. Yeah. Well, it doesn't mean it wasn't really the cocaine capital of the world, but, you know, I was in the comedy biz and a couple guys had it, and I was like, fucking. I would partake just for fun and obviously. And then.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, brother.

[David Spade]

But one time I did a lot and I was like, yeah, feel like I should go to hospital, you know.

[Theo Von]

And you'll walk over there. That's the craziest. Is.

[David Spade]

No, I can sprint it. No, because the funny thing is you just turn into JonBenet. One bump and I'm like, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy and I'm feeling great. And then I. I made my Friend drive me. And I got there and he's like. And it was freezing and I was shaking and tight. And he goes, you got to go in there. And he goes, but they're going to ask because I did stand up for about a year, right? And they go, they're going to ask and they're going to, yeah, they're going to have to call the police. I go, no, no, no, extra scared. And he cranks the heater on in the car and I'm starting to fucking sweat. But this is a good friend because he was there with me for three hours. He goes, I'll let you, you should go in there in a second, but just tell me more. And I was like, I was calming down. This was the trick. I didn't know this. And my heart was going from like 3000 over 2000 till I started to get back to normal. And then it got light out. And then I go, let's go home. Oh, so gross. And then I go, I'll never do it again. Four days later. Hey, dude. Yeah, I'm jenking, what a great guy. There's me.

[Theo Von]

And they, oh yeah, Javane brother.

[David Spade]

Dude. It's funny, beautiful in those days, first of all because it reminded me of my old car because this place is out in the middle of nowhere next to some junkyard where we're shooting. This is a nice area. I mean it's a nice area if you have no money. So I, I used to go to this junkyard and go to pick a part. You know what that is where you have, they have all the cars out there.

[Theo Von]

You can go looking for what you.

[David Spade]

Do and you get a part for your own car. No one thinks this ultra did that. I'd go out there when they got him, socket wrench looking for a Subaru Brat handle. You know, they go, go out there. And that's how all that Joe Dirt stuff started. Because I'm like, I did that, get an alternator, put it in my Volvo, put it in wrong and just live that gross Life. And it's 110 degrees out there and you're burning your hands. I remember my old Volvo was the 62 and I, I, it looked like a planter. I should have shaved the top off, filled it with dirt. And I would take, if I ever had a date, which was rare, it was leaking a quart of oil a day.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

So for those of you at home that don't know, that's a lot. And I had to buy a quart, I mean like, like a box of Pennzoil. And then every day, at some point, I had to put a cord in. And if you ever had a date, it was so embarrassing because at some point I had to have them put a cord in, you know, and I had to explain how to do it. And I had to sit in the front seat and go, oh, no, you got to poke the hole and then you got to poke on the other side.

[Theo Von]

Well, that was like the original Viagra, I think, was like, you'd have to pull your car over and put a quart of oil in it, you know?

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

But the rev of the engine, we keep everybody.

[David Spade]

I'm so. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Sexually possible, you know. But then now it's like, dude, just. You have people literally drinking oil and blue chews or whatever at the same. It's like it's all on the responsibility.

[David Spade]

I think there's a new problem where it's like, I don't want this guy screaming at me again. The microphone's too far away from my mug. So there's a new problem with a lot of people on medication. And when I grew up, I don't think anyone was. Now, did we have autism? Did we have add? It just people thought you're weird, that's all. Or just different. And then now people are on uppers, downers. So there's that and some boners go away. That's what I'm hearing. So that's why blue chew and boner pills are everywhere. And they're for younger people, not just people.

[Theo Von]

Oh, you'll see. You can't even get a kid's diaper off because he's all winged up.

[David Spade]

He's rotted up.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Fucking rock hard winged up is that one.

[Theo Von]

I mean, I don't know what these.

[David Spade]

Fucking sundial in there. I like no picture. No picture for that.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Sometimes, like, you'll go to the dad, you'll be like that.

[David Spade]

Yeah, good job, dude.

[Theo Von]

But nothing crazy. And they're not big. It's nothing you can keep a spare key on or anything, you know, you.

[David Spade]

Can hang your coat. Yeah, no, no. I know. Baby boners are really. I feel like when I go to the gas station and they always have like those sort of fake ones right there.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, like rhinoceros.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Two billion impulse buy. And I go, I don't know. And I'm getting my stuff. Here's my pretzels. And they're like, hey, Rod for the road. I'm like, why not? Let me. I'm going to Irvine. It's a long drive. Who wants a boner to drive around anyway? I don't know if that's what they're for.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I don't get them. I don't get a lot of like man made boners or whatever they're called anymore. I get mine. Yeah, there's some power, Zen, Vicious, serpent, Extreme rod. Yeah. Actually this is kind of merged with like the fireworks circuit. I think these things and fireworks are so close to being just compatible.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Dude, I heard a story that you. That we had. We just had a bus driver when we were doing touring for standup.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And he. Either he or his brother had driven you, and one time you stopped at a fireworks stand and went in and did your Joe Dirt bit. Is that true?

[David Spade]

Well, I think we had the same driver because I think he texted me and said, I got Theo now, but I don't do a lot of bus tours. And we were, I think in Kentucky, it was perfecto for Joe Dirt. And so, so many people were saying were knowing me from Joe Dirt that I said, fuck, there are fireworks stands here like there were in Arizona when I grew up. And so I said, let's find one and pull over. I just want to go in and see what they have, you know?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

See the new stuff. You got the good stuff. I did ask them if they got the good stuff. And then. So the funny part was we went in and it was sort of an older woman and two young guys. And they knew me right away. But I did have a hat on in shades, but they knew it right away. And then they took me around and showed me all their ones. The Godfather, this one, you know, it's basically just. Basically you get to a point where what North Korea has.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

It's really. It gets very extreme.

[Theo Von]

We.

[David Spade]

When I grew up, Black cats, the basics, M80s Roman candles were a hit. Yeah. And then Whistling Pussychasers. That's what we called them in the movie. Then we had to switch it to kitty chaser.

[Theo Von]

Oh, really? Is that true?

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah. Whistling bungle. Yeah. And now Spleen splitters. Yeah. Me and Fred Wolf just made these up. Some. Some sound reel.

[Theo Von]

Them whisker biscuits. Those honky lighters are for sure.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Cherry bombs was real. Kicking whistling bungholes is fake. But we had quarter sticks. M 80s. We'd go to Mexico and get quarter sticks and half sticks of dynamite.

[Theo Von]

Really?

[David Spade]

No supervision at all.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah. That's when they have real dynamite. That's not fireworks anymore.

[David Spade]

No. It gets in a different area.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Like you should join a labor union.

[David Spade]

They're like, oh, they open your trunk. They go, I go, I've got fireworks. They're like, this is an AR15. I go, I know. Fire comes out the front. It's. It's. It's very murky. What you can describe as fireworks these days.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. We had. I'm trying to think the craziest were fire don't work. It's like the ones where you'd light them and it would just come out the other. Other side. Or you would light them and then your stepdad would call your mom a and just drive off. You're like, how is this even connected?

[David Spade]

It was like.

[Theo Von]

Like, oh, is this a fireworks at Coachella? Misfires and hits area near a crowd of people and sets tree on fire. Oh, I think this was part of MGK's outfit.

[David Spade]

This part of his outfit. Dude, how bad did you miss? You're just aiming for the.

[Theo Von]

Oh, they should make the fireworks when you light them. And then they only hit a pedophile when they take off.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Pedophile chasers.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. And just light them up.

[David Spade]

In D.C. this looks like the inside of the Minecraft movie when they bring the chicken jockey out. Have you seen that? People light fireworks in there. Now there's a part of the movie that something happens. Everyone used to throw popcorn at the screen, and now they've gone. Now they get in fights and they light up firecrackers and it goes bananas. So they have to stop the movie. Now.

[Theo Von]

Is it like. Like, kind of like Rocky Horror pictures.

[David Spade]

A little bit worse because they were contained and they. Okay, something's gonna wrong. Go wrong. Is this Terry?

[Theo Von]

This is like.

[David Spade]

Just back it up, Terry. Let's see it. Are we allowed to show this? Yeah.

[Theo Von]

It's the darker side of fireworks here.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if this is the guy that should be lighting him and running. He should sort of be kicking back about 100ft away.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah. This is crazy, dude.

[David Spade]

These guys do not look like professionals for sure. They don't know where to light it. This. This guy's Make a Wish Foundation. I want to light fireworks. Get out of there, Terry. No one helps him.

[Theo Von]

Damn, Terry, what you doing?

[David Spade]

Help him. I'm like, what are you doing, Terry? Help Terry. He's blinded. He can't see the goddamn control panel.

[Theo Von]

God.

[David Spade]

It'S so funny. I cannot stand and watch people on that just film things and never get involved. They laugh their ass up no matter what.

[Theo Von]

You see the guy who fell in the water the other day?

[David Spade]

No.

[Theo Von]

Bring up that guy. Who they paid. They dared him, like, three or four dollars to get into the water of, like, a flash flood, basically.

[David Spade]

I'm sure he's dead.

[Theo Von]

It was a beautiful young man. I don't know how he's doing. See if you can find that.

[David Spade]

Yeah. While we're doing.

[Theo Von]

Craziest was, like, the saddest was we had a guy bus. A dad, and he was like, just, like, barely a day. He was, like, kind of like a whimsical kind of dad. Like, wish he'd never probably been married. 2A. And I'm gonna say this fast, so I don't sound like, sexist or anything. Woman. You know, and he would only get his kids smoke bombs. So they would light, like, a million smoke moms. But they're cool. But they would have nothing. And they would do so many. It would look like that Indian holiday or whatever. You know, the one where, like, suddenly you see this bunch of Indian people crossing the street who look like they got attacked by, like, an Easter.

[David Spade]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Like a Easter chalkboard or something. You know, like, you don't talk like they clap. Yes. Like, somebody just emptied, like, or LeBron.

[David Spade]

At the Laker game. I was like that.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah. Like, it was easter Sunday, and LeBron was just firing off right in front of him.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Smoke bombs aren't as fun as they sound. You need more shit going on. Is this it? Oh, yeah. There's firecrafts in the Minecraft. See?

[Theo Von]

In the movie theater.

[David Spade]

Look at my fucking story. Checks out. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, my God. And who did this? Israel?

[David Spade]

Yeah. This is a. This is Gaza.

[Theo Von]

This is crazy.

[David Spade]

Like we say Gaza, we laugh. So fucking uncool.

[Theo Von]

It's so.

[David Spade]

It's a comedy show.

[Theo Von]

It's hard if sometimes you got. Hey, you know what? A police officer told me one time? He said that they'll have those show up in a place there's a bunch of murders, and you'll see police officers stand outside laughing because it's a thing that happens to people when stuff's painful.

[David Spade]

Yeah. It's so serious.

[Theo Von]

He says they do it so well.

[David Spade]

That's what comedians do. It's too, too heavy duty, dude.

[Theo Von]

Well, the reason we brought you here is because you have a comedy special coming out, man.

[David Spade]

Oh, that's not true.

[Theo Von]

First of all, thank you for coming, dude.

[David Spade]

No, appreciate it.

[Theo Von]

You look great, dude.

[David Spade]

I love seeing you. Thank you.

[Theo Von]

Dude, you've been drinking tomato juice or something. Remember when v8 was the only healthy thing?

[David Spade]

I don't think there's one tomato in V8. I don't know what's in it. They were like, this is a. When you were growing up.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude. Yeah. And rich guys would pour it in their engine or whatever as well.

[David Spade]

And some people pour it in their butt. Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Some, like, really rich guys before it. In their butt.

[David Spade]

I'd be. It was to. It was never. I never liked. Was tomato juice and I think vegetable juice.

[Theo Von]

But, like, who drank it? I think, like, a mom would drink it if they were healthy or they were trying to make a baby or whatever.

[David Spade]

It didn't get around my squad, but I know that I heard about it, and I was grossed out by it. You know what's funny is I was just in Las Vegas. Oh. You know, we went to a fight. I was gonna tell you this. We went to a UFC fight, Right. Theo and I went to a fight, you know, about a year or so ago. And you know what? I called you to go to this fight. I thought it was in Vegas, and it was in Florida.

[Theo Von]

Oh.

[David Spade]

And I. And then you had a gig that night anyway.

[Theo Von]

But I was a great card. You. Me, and also your Jody. Jody. And also the comedian. Famous comedian.

[David Spade]

Oh, Dennis.

[Theo Von]

And Dennis Miller all. Yeah. One time.

[David Spade]

So. So do you remember the story? Did I already tell you this? You. You know, it, obviously. So this time, I just did a corporate yesterday at Vegas, so I'm staying at the area Aria, short for named after Ariana Grande. I don't. I don't know. And so I'm over there, and it's connected to the hotel we were at.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

And the day we went to the show, the. You like to go early to the fights, as you know, because you go help set up the chairs and armor all the ropes. And you go in because the fight started, like, fucking one. I'm like, we just landed. And you're like, you want to go there? You want to go to the hotel first? I'm like, well, I think it's at seven. And you're like. And you were being so nice going, oh, you want to go? You want to wait till 7? And I'm like, yeah, because that's. The good ones start. They're on tv, and it's still three hours. And for Spade to sit for three hours, it's fucking rough with these brittle fucking bones. So you're like, cool, cool. We'll go at seven. And I didn't know that you wanted to go really bad earlier. So we're eating, and I'm like, this spaghetti is good. You're like, let's fucking go. So I have a car taking us. It's. It's like a black Suburban, right?

[Theo Von]

Yeah. So AC in it.

[David Spade]

We go out front. He's not there. And it's so weird because they always get there early. And you're like, well, we got to go. It's quarter to seven, and we got to be there at seven. And we're next to the arena, and I'm like, where's this guy? And then he hits me up and goes, hey, dude, you go, let's get an Uber. And I go, well, give him a second. And then I go. He goes, oh, I spaced. I'm sending another car. It'll be there in a second. I go, we're in a hurry. He goes, it's very close. So this. And I see you're Jankin. First I've seen you kind of get mad. Yeah, because I was getting mad too, because I'm like, fuck, where's this guy? And plus, we're stressed. So the Suburban pulls up, we jump in, and the guy goes, okay, where are we going to? And he goes, you, too? And you're like, yeah. And I'm like. And then I go, this is my driver. And then I look down, and we're.

[Theo Von]

At International Fight Week.

[David Spade]

Yeah, it was. This is good. This is how he sounds. This actually sounds like him. It's not. Nothing bad. So then the driver texts me and goes, hey, did you just pull out? I just saw you. And I go, wait, is this not the car? And I go, theo, what is this? And you go, I called an Uber, dude. It's taking too long. I go, okay. So we go. And now I go. And the funny part was, I go, hey, dude. All right, if you're going to this T Mobile, we got to go in the loading dock. That's where we have to get our tickets and enter. And he goes, oh, no, that's only for VIP special. And I go, right?

[Theo Von]

And then he goes, you want VIP Special? Yeah.

[David Spade]

And we go, no. And he goes, oh, you have to be special. And I go, oh, we special. And he goes, no, no, that's for special people. And I'm like, I get it. And then Theo goes, no, he's special. He does movies and stuff. And he looks back and he goes, no, he knows special. Why do you know I'm no special, you fuck. So he wouldn't take us. So then you just go, let's just get out.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

So we just got out in the street, and we saw a door. And then they go, oh, you.

[Theo Von]

Wrong door. Yeah, you gotta go to loading animals.

[David Spade]

And like lighting for all of Noah's Ark's animals. And so they go, so we're trying to get a hold of everyone and they go, you're not at the special door. We go, I know this fucking guy wouldn't believe it. So we had to find a way to get either all the way to the other side or cut through. They finally sent someone to get us. Yeah, but it was quite humiliating. The guy didn't believe for a second we were special.

[Theo Von]

Not at all. I even showed him a video of yours from one of your movies, and he laughed.

[David Spade]

That's funny.

[Theo Von]

And he's like, oh, it kind of look like him, but not him. UFC 315 will be on the TV. The snacks and the beverages will be ready to go. The best way to make that 12 combo even better is by trying to win some real cash with pick six from DraftKings, the official daily fantasy sports partner of UFC. With DraftKings, pick six, playing for cash is as easy as stepping into an octagon. Pick six is available in most states, including Missouri, California, Texas, Georgia and more. Some of my picks for UFC 3 15, I'm going to go with Mike Malott and they're putting a 31.5 significant strikes. I'm going to go more than that. That's something that I'm riding on as well. They got Bilal Bully B Muhammad out there against Jack Della Madalena. You can make your picks there with DraftKings Pick 6. Don't settle for a smaller payout. Switch to Pick 6 and cash in your UFC knowledge. Play $5. Get $50 in bonus picks instantly on your first entry. Pick 6 from DraftKings is the most fun way to play fantasy Sports. Download the DraftKings Pick Six app now and use code THEO. That's code T H E O for new customers to play $5 get $50 in bonus picks better payouts, bigger wins only. With Pick Six from DraftKings, the crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800- Gambler Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 and over. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick Six not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void were prohibited 1 per new customer. Bonus awarded as non withdrawable. Pick 6 credits that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See [e-mail] promos yeah, recently I was paying for something. Butcher, bargain or I don't know What? It was something this. A monthly meat deal where they they sending you meat And I didn't know I. I didn't know I was still paying for it and it was in my old address so. Somebody over there is just eating my bacon. Somebody over there just slurping up on my sirloin cuts that I was paying for. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions. That's amazing. Saving members up to $740 a year when they use all of the apps premium features. Wow. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Download the Rocket Money app and enter our show name. This past weekend with Theo Vaughan in the survey so they know I sent you. Don't wait. Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them from our show. I want to let you know there's a growing expense eating into your company's profits. It's your cloud computing bill. You may have gotten a deal to start, but now the spend is sky high and increasing every year. What if you could cut your cloud bill in half and improve performance at the same time? Well, if you act by May 31, Oracle Cloud Infrastructure can help you do just that. OCI is the next generation cloud designed for every workload where you can run any application, including any AI projects, faster and more securely for less. In fact, Oracle has a special promotion where you can cut your cloud bill in half when you switch to OCI. The savings are real. On average, OCI costs 50% less for compute, 70% less for storage, and 80% less for networking. Join Modal, Skydance Animation and today's innovative AI tech companies who upgraded to oci. Oracle Cloud Infrastructure and Saved offer only for US customers with a minimum financial commitment. See if you qualify for half [e-mail]. t H E O that's oracle.com.

[David Spade]

Theo, you know what's funny is I. I wish we could show that little clip that you have of the movie.

[Theo Von]

We could if we want.

[David Spade]

I don't think we can because. Can we air it because of the music or not? I don't know.

[Theo Von]

Oh, it's a good point, huh?

[David Spade]

You know, I don't know. Ask those clowns in there. Did they take off?

[Theo Von]

We could show it on silent if we want.

[David Spade]

It's good with the song anyway. That's all. Because you show that clip in your show.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, we showed it during the halftime or like, towards the, like, end of the show.

[David Spade]

Yeah, my friend was in Tallahassee. They hit me up they go, oh, my God, this fucking clip just played. It's great. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Did they really?

[David Spade]

They're excited show.

[Theo Von]

That's cool. It's been well received by people. You know, just people getting to see the getting.

[David Spade]

It's a good little window into it.

[Theo Von]

See the trailer for Busboys?

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I'm trying to think, what do you think's the toughest part now having, like, kind of put a movie together from the beginning. What do you think is kind of one of the toughest parts?

[David Spade]

I mean, it's. It's all. It's tough all the way along the way because we're just doing it alone. Usually we work for a boss. Paramount, Sony, Netflix, you know, they tell us what to do and we kind of just. We're on our own. But we also know there's someone else calling some shots. The bigger shots, budgetary things, this and that, casting we have to agree on. So I rarely. I'd never gone into it like this, where it's just me and you. And that's good. There's some. Some tough part about it, but it's overall the best because we put it up, we're going in. It's such a complicated process, so it's almost too much because usually there's someone that cover this and you can kind of oversee it. But to get into everything about pre production and budget and casting and locations and all the union stuff, we gotta know that's where it gets hard. And now we've gotten through the hard part. We got it. We shot it through the fires, through all the stuff. Very tough. Very tough to get through a movie.

[Theo Von]

And then there was so many things that were tough.

[David Spade]

I always say, after a movie, I'm not doing this again. It's too hard. And everyone thinks I'm a huge pussy. But it's more. It's mentally tough. It's hard. You gotta memorize stuff. You're driving all day, you're getting out there dark. And it's such a luxury to do a movie that you can't complain to anyone. I can complain to you, but we're in it together, so we get it. But. And you can tell other people in movies, but regular people go, you know, they actually bust their ass.

[Theo Von]

Right?

[David Spade]

So we're like pretending to be people that work hard. That's us in a movie. That's hilarious. We're Bus boys. So anyway.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. They give you just long enough to polish the gun that you have in your trailer. And then before you can, you can use it on yourself.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Like, hey, we need you back on set. Yeah.

[David Spade]

It's always like, where are they? I'm walking with number two. Where's number one? I. I'd go for a walk. They just follow me, you know, they walk out of your set, you know, you walk around the trailer and you're like. And you're always miked and you always. It's all. You know. And it's freezing. I thought it'd be too hot. It's freezing. So anyway, we finish it. And now it's rough cutted. And now the hard part is just getting it to a point where we think it's good and you're not wasting jokes. Like a lot of things we did had. Like, Theo is very good on the set of. We're actually good together because I think you're great. And if we have a scene and we do it, then we just start goofing around a couple before we leave. Get a few extra jokes in. So which one of those do we use? It's very hard. This is funny for one reason. This is funny for another. And the rest of your life, people will remember one joke and they'll never see the other three. And you go, fuck. Did we pick the right one for that? That for someone who's indecisive, like me and you are kind of too. That it's hard to do. And then you just gotta pick one, lock it down. And then we'll probably. I think our next step will show it to, like, 20, 30 people. Because you really get a feel for where there's a dead spot where there's something that works.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You gotta have honest friends look at it.

[David Spade]

Yeah. And I have friends. And friends are always gonna start by saying they like it. And then. But I haven't had fucking one person look at it yet.

[Theo Von]

Same.

[David Spade]

I'm too scared. The director of all these movies, Pete Siegel, who's great guy, he came by the set one day and he did anger management and the longest yard and 50 first dates and Tommy Boy and all these movies. So he. I said, I might have you take a look at it because I just want you as an observer. Objectively. Where are we with this? And that's the only guy. But I do want at some point when you get your fixes in and we get something we kind of like and then we show it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

And then that'll tell us a lot. We'll be like, oh, my God, this is way funnier than we thought. They're laughing at this stuff instead of that laugh. I didn't see that coming. Like a cutaway. And then they go, oh, this feels flat. And some people might be confused at the end. We go, what? Where did you understand what this is? People are like, were you guys playing fucking busboys? I'm like, oh, boy, we're way off. Okay. You didn't get that part because, you know, people don't know. They just.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. I mean, that's the scariest part, I feel like, is trying to just, like, see before you show it. Somebody is like, do is what I think makes sense here. Makes sense to other people.

[David Spade]

Right? Because we know it. We're too close to it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You have no.

[David Spade]

I think it gets even jokes where people go, I see one clip and they go, oh, that's great. I go, oh, it is. Because I've seen it 10 times. I don't know what's funny anymore.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

You know, so it does take objectively, but it's so fucking stressful.

[Theo Von]

What do you feel like was one of the funnest days that we had?

[David Spade]

That's a good question. It's funny because every day has an underlying stress level of knowing your lines, getting things done, losing the light. We got to get this. Is it right? Do we know what we're doing? Is it set up blocking all that shit? But I'm good at giving long answers that are boring. I thought it was fun when we were in the lair with the drugs. Yeah, it was kind of fun because there's a lot of people. When there's a lot of people, it's fun.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. When there's a lot of people, it's fun. We kept having to go up and down that ladder like Ninja Turtles. Remember that?

[David Spade]

That was in a. Like, a condemned building that. I go, I guarantee you they should shut this down.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. They had as bad. There was like, asbestos, like, art on the walls and everything.

[David Spade]

We had to write asbestos into the script because there's so much. It was like co starring and. Yeah, there was. We were underneath, like, a Sears building in downtown.

[Theo Von]

And remember the alarm went off or the old heater went off in there and it just like.

[David Spade]

I think it was an old nuclear reactor or something or it was a Amber alert.

[Theo Von]

It made McMuffins. I know that. Yeah.

[David Spade]

We would all go. I go, it's lunch. They cleared us all out from the side. We shouldn't even tell Them this. But anyway, I like that. We were on the desert a lot. It was kind of fun being out. And then we were in there doing Busboy with Tim Dillon I thought was funny.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, he's fun. Yeah, that was great. Yeah, Just getting to see him. He has a new special that just came out too.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah? Yeah. No, he's great.

[Theo Von]

You just have a. You have a comedy special.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah, My. I'm sorry.

[Theo Von]

Coming up Amazon. You guys hear him? Okay. Sorry.

[David Spade]

Yeah, it's great.

[Theo Von]

Okay, you have.

[David Spade]

David. David, could you put the mic behind you now? Would that help you have a comedy special coming? I do. I did a comedy special for Amazon and we did it in Denver. And it's interesting, you know, putting together a comedy special. You're on the road and sometimes you want new stuff in there that's a little undercooked because it's new and different. And you just started doing it and then sometimes you want to. And then you want the. And then most of the stuff is polished and buffed, so you gotta. I did it probably an hour 20 and cut it down to just under an hour.

[Theo Von]

Dang. Big gun.

[David Spade]

Is this a clip or is that a photo?

[Theo Von]

Little overshot. Play that clip a little. See it?

[David Spade]

Let's see if there's anything clippable here. Oh, this is funny. I feel it already. I was eight years old. I almost got kidnapped. I'll make it funny. I came out weird. Blonde hair look like. Exactly. Macaulay Culkin. And I was kind of tan. I was like shorts. I mean, it was almost entrapment. I'm a bit of a dandelion. I don't know if you can tell I look tough on tv, but these quads are deceiving. Yeah, you're some guy. Yell. Yeah, look at that.

[Theo Von]

Dandelion.

[David Spade]

Dandelion is because I'm such a fucking puss and I couldn't think of a good name.

[Theo Von]

That's. Oh, no, you're great, dude. It looks great. You look very healthy in that. You. It reminds me of David Duchovny.

[David Spade]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Theo Von]

And the guy from. Who? That guy from that guy. His partner on the TV show talking about Shrek. No, go ahead. Who wants. It's like the guy's got all the kids. Tim. Tim the Tool Man Taylor. That's him.

[David Spade]

You were looking for Al Borland.

[Theo Von]

Al Borland.

[David Spade]

That's who I look like in. With that shirt on.

[Theo Von]

You look like gal Bor. Like the dude that gets the gals.

[David Spade]

That's hysterical. That was not exactly what I was going for. And thank you for that insulting insult.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

But no, he seems like a good dude. I just don't actually. Looks better than me. What am I saying?

[Theo Von]

What the dude? Yeah, screw him.

[David Spade]

Playgirl magazine. Look at him. He's naked from the waist down, his dong out.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, you don't get to see that anymore.

[David Spade]

You know? Like, would they tell you what to wear? I mean, they don't tell you, but they go, what are you gonna wear? And of course, I'm not like a full girl going to the Oscars. So I go, I don't know. So it gets closer and they're like, show it so we can hold it up with the back. I go, I don't give a shit, dude. So I get there and I have two outfits. I have this Outfits is already bad enough I just said outfits. So I walk into the rack like Elton John, like at Nordstrom.

[Theo Von]

Rack?

[David Spade]

No, just a rack of clothes.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[David Spade]

From Nordstrom. Yeah. So I go in there and I go, what about this? Then I go out there that day and they're like, do you still not know? And I go, I don't know. And then I wear the shirt. And then I go, I'm gonna put. So I just wore a shirt and a coat that I wasn't supposed to wear because, you know. And they go, you need a copy of that in case. I go, you think I'm gonna ruin this between shows? And they're like, yeah, so I fell for that last time. And then Nikki Glaser goes, I have some dress from like 1930. And I go, oh, don't you have to have a double? She goes, that I'm not gonna. And I go, yeah, what am I doing? Why am I taking fucking orders?

[Theo Von]

Wasting money on extra clothes.

[David Spade]

Yeah. And. And all. All of mine are like, one of a kind.

[Theo Von]

Oh, it's. You can tell that's one of a.

[David Spade]

Kind flannel shirt that you can have in any Google search in two seconds. But it was fun to do. Glad it's out. It's fun. You know, some of the jokes I still do because they're longer now. That's the funny thing is you do a joke and then it's. It's a minute of your act, and then now it's a five minute chunk. Oh, but I did the beginning, but now it's so much longer. But I don't really care. I like a couple things I've done before because they really work. And then I put in new stuff and then it's Just always in rotation of I'll pull something from the old bag and then I'll have all this new shit. So whatever.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's kind of how I feel.

[David Spade]

Is that what you do? What do you do?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, it's like there's some bits I do because I know people want to hear them. And there's some people's favorites and it's like, well, I want to make sure I get that in for a couple minutes if it's a big show.

[David Spade]

Because, you know, it's never like you do some bit that works and it doesn't work. Like if it bombed and people are like, boo, you did that before. It's not like that. They still work.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, they want to see the new stuff too.

[David Spade]

And sometimes when I go to people, if I saw you, I'd be like, I remember the first time I saw you and stuff you were doing. I'd be like, oh, I hope he does this and this and this. Because those are like my fun ones. I want to tell someone and have them watch them.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

And then sometimes I do that with comics and they don't do it. And I go. I go. Because sometimes, you know, by the fifth special these people do, it's just too watered down. It's too hard to be that good in one year. It's too hard. You don't buff them out. You need to really work on it.

[Theo Von]

Dude, that's. I don't think you have to. I mean, it's like I've known special. I'm thinking four years now.

[David Spade]

Yeah, you don't need it.

[Theo Von]

If we do it this year, it'll be four years. But also, I've been on the same tour for years, but it's like there's so many places you can go. It's like, I don't mind going to a town that has 30, 000 people in it. You know, it's like you cannot do it and probably have a family and stuff like that. And have pets you own.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Or semi owned. God owns them.

[David Spade]

As long as they have a 30, 000 seat theater, then you can.

[Theo Von]

But it's all. Yeah, but it's like. But if we can go over there, I think I'd rather do it.

[David Spade]

Yeah. You're printing money.

[Theo Von]

Oh, David, that is not.

[David Spade]

If I had your money, I'd throw mine away.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude, get out of here.

[David Spade]

It's.

[Theo Von]

You just bought a new car, didn't you?

[David Spade]

Well, that's. You bought a car lot. Yeah, dude, I got a car. Yeah. You see me Buzzing around.

[Theo Von]

Did you just buy the original Joe Dirt car?

[David Spade]

No, I did not. It was 330 grand. I didn't know it'd be that much.

[Theo Von]

Was it really?

[David Spade]

Yeah. I went at an auction.

[Theo Von]

Did you even look at. Were you there on the. Did you.

[David Spade]

No, but the guy DM me and he said, hey, do you want to buy the old JoJo? I go, is it the fucking real one? Because I do like cars and I don't have enough room for them, but I have. I'm into it. I'm like, I'm not going to drive the thing around. I'd like to have it, just to have it. The director of Tommy Boy has a Tommy Boy car. And I'm like, those are fun to have. So I said, how much? And he goes, I'm deciding between three and 500 grand. I go, I'm sorry, what? The fucking shitty one at the beginning of Jodor, it didn't even have a Hemi in it. It was a fake pretend. It was like an old Vega. And we just put like. Yeah, this thing.

[Theo Von]

Jitter69 Charger Daytona.

[David Spade]

It's cool though. Is he selling it for 450?

[Theo Von]

The 1969 Daytona presented here starred in the 60 million dollar grossing hit comedy, the Adventures of Joe Dirt.

[David Spade]

Yeah, what does that say up there? 450. Can you read?

[Theo Von]

Yeah. One of the funniest scenes depicts order at the impound lot. Financially unstable to retrieve his Mint 67 Plymouth Hemi GTX convertible, He's buying the Charger Daytona instead. You bought it for $450 in the movie? Apparently.

[David Spade]

Oh, $450 in the movie? No, I didn't see the movie.

[Theo Von]

Do we know the closing price on that?

[David Spade]

Yeah, he hit me up for three to five hundred grand.

[Theo Von]

I go, can you live in it?

[David Spade]

I was like, yeah. Is this an rv?

[Theo Von]

How many square feet is it?

[David Spade]

Is it in a good neighborhood? No, I just said. I said. I think I said something to the effect of get fucked. No, I was like, hey man, I didn't know it'd be like that. I don't know why? Because you know in the real world.

[Theo Von]

You got expensive, baby.

[David Spade]

You got to make a million to clear 350. So I'm like, I don't know if I'm making a million this week. So I just said, no. Even though I said I'd really like it, I just a little too rich for my blood right now because I thought, what am I doing? I just got to park it. I can't really drive it's. Fun to have. I'd rather honestly have it. My fucking living room. What a cool thing to have. Just walk in, hey, this is the car from the movie. And so I didn't think he'd get close to that. It sold for 330. God, yeah.

[Theo Von]

To who? Probably an Asian guy.

[David Spade]

No, the guy had a jodor tattoo on his chest.

[Theo Von]

Oh.

[David Spade]

And he was a full fan. So he hit me up, the guy that bought it. And so now I've talked to him.

[Theo Von]

What do you guys talk about?

[David Spade]

I like these guys. We just talk about pop music.

[Theo Von]

You're like, hey, go sit in and just turn it on for me. I want to hear.

[David Spade]

No, I just go, I miss her, man. I miss her. Just put her on the phone.

[Theo Von]

He's like, mail me some semen. And you're like, oh, I don't miss her that much.

[David Spade]

No, I do that. I'll do that. I'll do that once.

[Theo Von]

Do you think. Would you guys ever have done a Tommy Boy too? Do you think you and Farley ever would have done it?

[David Spade]

I mean, Black Sheep was sort of the next summer, and it was sort of the same type of movie we had. We should have just kept it Pete Siegel and just done it again. He couldn't. He wasn't available. It just would have kept track of, like, kind of how it was. But I did like Black Sheep. We had another movie that we were talking about at the very end and would have been great. Yeah, I mean, would I have liked to have, like, a Run and Gun buddy to goof around? He would have been all over the place. He would have been working with everybody. I mean, even at that point toward the end, because, you know, he's almost more famous now because everyone looks back. But when you're in it and he's just getting famous but still, all the big hosts that would come in would, like, go right to him. So he could have worked with anybody. Big directors. He could. More drama. He would have done a lot of stuff with Adam. I mean, he loved Adam and always thought he was great.

[Theo Von]

So Sandler, you mean?

[David Spade]

Yeah, yeah. He was very tight with Adam, and I was just lucky to be in a couple with him. But he would have been out there doing everything. I remember when he was in Coneheads, we all were in Coneheads. Even Adam was in Coneheads and Lauren. It was sort of a. An assignment. You know, we all. He was just like, you're going to play this, and. And he just had plucked everyone. There's probably 15 people messing out and Somehow still didn't work that well. But I loved being in it, and he was in it, and he had a pretty big part, and he was funny. Look at him. There he is.

[Theo Von]

Oh, he looks so handsome. Did you get to keep the cone from that?

[David Spade]

No. But you know what? It's it. That will barely fit up your butt if you. Ooh, she's really pretty. By the way. That was Michelle Burke. This is after they took a photo of Farley and they take it so strong that he. It blows his hair back or something. Yeah. Funny as shit. But Ackroyd. Yeah. So that was a blast. So I would say the answer is, would have loved to keep doing stuff and just have him around to hang out with.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Yeah. Obviously to have him be alive. But do you think that you would have been able to do a Tommy Boyce?

[David Spade]

Yes. In all these scenarios, he's alive. You're like, it'd be great. No, if he's alive, you have to add that caveat.

[Theo Von]

If you had to do Tommy Boy 2, what would the plot even have gone into?

[David Spade]

You think Tommy Boy 2 Electric Boogaloo. You know, I was pitched a Tommy Boy 2, which was our kids are together, and our kids are. But this is. I was pitched it two years ago, and I'm like, I just can't find a scenario with no Farley. It's not. They used the whole movie. Even if it has a good title. Tommy Boy's in the title. But it would be too much of a sellout. I can't imagine. I mean, no one could do that.

[Theo Von]

Were they gonna do it with cgr? Use one of his brothers to do it, you think?

[David Spade]

No, it was just like. It was our kids, and it was about them. And then I was gonna come help them on the road or something, but I go, if. Listen, there's the magic in the bottle was Chris. And so I had a good part. I had a lot of fun in it, but it was about Christopher. And so, you know. Yeah. If we did another one back then, it would have been a blast.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

I wonder what it could have been about, too. Wow.

[David Spade]

I don't know. I don't. I never even thought that. Brake pads are so funny. There's endless jokes. I mean, that movie. That's what I always say is that if we pitched the Tommy Boy movie just like two guys selling brake pads, it's just not enough to sell a movie.

[Theo Von]

People wouldn't listen now.

[David Spade]

No, it's just not funny.

[Theo Von]

Maybe menstrual pads. You could have gone To.

[David Spade]

That's not a bad idea. Yeah. That we go sell them.

[Theo Von]

Stop the flow.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

It's like things are getting out of hand. Maybe women's lib was getting crazy.

[David Spade]

Yeah. And then he dresses like one in a parking lot.

[Theo Von]

He's like, okay, I'm on the crazy.

[David Spade]

And some big woman comes. He goes, let me try it out. And then. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

He's like, I've been having my period for 11 months straight.

[David Spade]

These are. These are trailer moments that actually would have been hilarious. We're like, these are cut scenes from our possible movie. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Did you ever do a Farley impersonation or. No.

[David Spade]

He did this a lot. You know, just funny. You get nervous, David. Then he goes like this. Pulls on his hair when he's nervous. Like in the meeting with the host, he'd pull on the carpet. And everyone's just like. Even like, the host is like some Michael Keaton going, is this fucking dude okay? Because they didn't really know him yet. And he was so nervous about shit. And always funny, but he would always try to make you laugh. Always try to do anything, fall down at work, do anything, all fall on the piano. Just anything to get everyone to laugh. Because also, he was taken care of. He wasn't writing sketches, so he just was TRA la around the office. There's no stress because he's going to be in 18 things. They're just. Everyone's going to write them in.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's a good point.

[David Spade]

And if you write them in, like, that's the big trick at SNL is you got to get someone to write for you. And I would get mad. I go, you don't write for me enough. They're like, what do you do? And I'm like, you're right. You just think I'm great. And then they go, wow. And there's no proof. And I'm like, yeah, so you have to kind of do a joke on the officer. It's sort of thirsty, but do an impression or something. And someone goes, you should do something with that, you know? And then. Or they go, oh, you can do that. Oh, we might put you in this because we need someone like that. But mostly I was like, smart, alecky, stupid shit. Because that's the only thing they saw, you know? And I wrote that Hollywood minute where it was. I was making fun of everybody, and that kind of was a good hook for me, but it wasn't enough to be, like, super characters. That really wasn't my thing.

[Theo Von]

I went with his brother to snl, remember? That.

[David Spade]

Oh, that's right. You hit me up.

[Theo Von]

You connected.

[David Spade]

I was like, John. Yeah, John.

[Theo Von]

John. Yeah.

[David Spade]

Johnny Farley. And I was like.

[Theo Von]

And he hadn't been back, dude, since. He hadn't been back since Chris was there.

[David Spade]

Did he hit you up to go there or did I tell you guys to go, or were you just in New York?

[Theo Von]

He took advantage of us, I think, but whatever. Oh, no, I think you said to me, hey, he's gonna be there.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah, I did.

[Theo Von]

So tell him hello. But he hit you up to get him in there.

[David Spade]

Can you make a call, Davey? Yeah. Don't tell Jen. Yeah, he was in the wrong, Missy. We put him in that. He was in Bench warmers. He's funny in that. Was it fun there for you? You'd never been there, right?

[Theo Von]

I'd never been, yeah. What was it like? It was interesting to just see what you. The place you guys had all been at and what kind of like photos everywhere. Yeah, just what it was like. Like. I think I pictured it more of like an old school type of dormitory vibe, but.

[David Spade]

But our offices were up higher.

[Theo Von]

Oh, then maybe it was up there.

[David Spade]

We'd be there all week and then we just come down to the show. But you might have to host it one day.

[Theo Von]

It was pretty interesting there.

[David Spade]

Would you be able to handle it?

[Theo Von]

I don't know. Depends on who the musical guest is, I guess.

[David Spade]

Is that the whole thing?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

What if it's Jelly Pop, your buddy or whatever? Remember he.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, Jelly Roll.

[David Spade]

Yeah. He came over to us at Koi one time and said hi.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[David Spade]

Do you remember that?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I'm trying to think of.

[David Spade]

I said, hey, the bouncer's coming over. He wants to talk to you.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

He walks over there. Where are you?

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was like, what motorcycle did. This guy. This guy.

[David Spade]

Oh, did we park in front of you? He was nice, dude. He knew you.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, him and Bunny came over. I remember that. That was cool. Dude, that was awesome. That was like. I think he was. He coming here to do Jimmy Kimmel or something was like one of his first times being out here.

[David Spade]

Right, right. And then we saw Luke Bryant at dinner. We see all your little.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Goat roper buddies.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, dude, that was fun.

[David Spade]

Yeah, he came over.

[Theo Von]

That's when we used to have a good time.

[David Spade]

Yeah. What happened? Now we're just grinding on the movie every day, going.

[Theo Von]

I know. Now we're just like, how do we.

[David Spade]

Trollala.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, dude, that was fun, huh?

[David Spade]

I remember that. I was excited.

[Theo Von]

Luke freaking Brian.

[David Spade]

We Took a picture with him.

[Theo Von]

He sat down with us.

[David Spade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Like, dude, y comes in with you.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

He had two bites of somebody's potatoes out.

[David Spade]

No, we have fun. We go to UFC and everyone knows. I remember before you even blew up. So many people knew you at ufc. I was like, holy, man. These people know this clown.

[Theo Von]

I don't know about that. There we are right there.

[David Spade]

Look at my hair is quite puffy.

[Theo Von]

That. Look how good you look like. Definitely like one of those rich people's dogs.

[David Spade]

I do for sure.

[Theo Von]

Now I see why your mom has you come home a lot. Yeah, she's like, I need this little cute puff right here in my lap.

[David Spade]

Dude, look at my sweater.

[Theo Von]

Pops.

[David Spade]

Don't even try to argue that.

[Theo Von]

Solid choice. And there's Luke. Looks like he just.

[David Spade]

Luke. Ah, that does look like me. I'm a bit of a lap dog.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, you look like you spent time at NYU a little bit.

[David Spade]

I'll Nana sausage. Look at you. Dirt.

[Theo Von]

Oh, just dumb. Just like, how did I even get here?

[David Spade]

What are we eating? Oysters.

[Theo Von]

Oh, my God.

[David Spade]

Jeez. What a bunch of idiots.

[Theo Von]

Somebody ordered that little. When they put those little. When that. The shrimp, they put them upstairs like they're about to commit suicide or whatever. That little. It's like a little shrimp rack or whatever. Yeah, like the second story shrimp. They hide them all on the edge of, like, they're trying to hide from. It's like, we see you. They're all naked, though.

[David Spade]

Look at those shrimps. They charge you by the shrimps. You know, it gets unreal.

[Theo Von]

And someplace it's six.

[David Spade]

That is the. That is the most expensive place because I won't say the name, but the steak sauce was seven bucks each. You get a little thing like this of a one, and it's like, deesh, dish, dish. Seven. Seven. Seven. And then the bread was 15. I had filet. I had filet of soul, right? I go, oh, filet of what, dude, don't you watch fishing shows?

[Theo Von]

You had filet of soul. Soul. Oh, how real.

[David Spade]

We pull it up, see if it's real.

[Theo Von]

You're eating human spirit in there.

[David Spade]

No. Filet O. Yeah, that's rich. Oh, shocking. It checks out as a fish. Yeah, that's what it looks like, anyway. It's kind of like carp.

[Theo Von]

No.

[David Spade]

I don't know what it's like. So I get this, and they go, do you want the catch of the day? And I know it's a rich place. I go, don't try to rap. Fuck me, dudes. I'M gonna take this dog shit off the menu. It says market price, but I go, fine. I get it. It's like leather. It's kind of gross, you know, but fine. 150 bucks. I go, I have never heard about fish being 150.

[Theo Von]

$150?

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And they. You get the head and the tail or they just give you the middle?

[David Spade]

No, you should.

[Theo Von]

That's.

[David Spade]

You come to my house, fucking clean my car.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, dude, that's crazy. 150 bucks for one piece of fish. Unreal.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

That would never fly in the Bible, dude.

[David Spade]

No, no, what you do is they have the fish with their mouth, I guess.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

And something like this. Oh, you're gonna go to work for that 150. And the fish is like. Fish is like, I got teeth. No, you do not. Nice try.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, somebody's getting a little bit of tartar sauce on the inside.

[David Spade]

It's not in the Bible either.

[Theo Von]

God. One of the easiest and most important decisions I make every day is securing my home with Simplisafe. Whether I'm out on tour or just home with a movie, I feel better knowing my home is protected so I can focus on what I've got to get done. Knowing Simplisafe has my back in a crisis. I travel a lot. But since I use Simplisafe, which I'm also getting put on my mother's home, I don't have to think about if someone strange is lurking around my house, looking into windows, being goofy, etc. SimpliSafe has active guard outdoor protection that helps prevent break ins before they happen. There's no long term contracts or cancellation fees. Monitoring plans start affordably at around a dollar a day, 60 day satisfaction guarantee or your money back. That's what Simply Safe is offering. Visit SimpliSafe S I m p l I s a f e dot com Theo to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and get your first month free. That's simply safe.com Theo there's no safe like Simply Safe. You can have better sex with Blue Chew. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. That's it. That's how it is. And starting now, bluechew is offering a combo so strong it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off. Oh, everybody's barefoot. Blue Chew Max has arrived and it combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. This combo acts fast and lasts. Guys, be ready when she needs it and get Your first month of BlueChew Free. Make life easier by getting harder and discovery your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of BlueChew free. When you use promo code THEO, just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code T H E O. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Mental health is. It's our new Vietnam, guys. Really, it's right in front of us every day. It's just making sure you're okay. We're locked in. We're in a unique time where we're. I don't know if we're transitioning from humans to computers. I don't know what's going on, but you got to take care of the mainframe that God gave you. Your brain. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent study say they have avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment. Man, look, if I meet you, if I. If I. If I know you, you better be getting mental health support. You better be. Stay on top of your brain. Better Help has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist from their diverse network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. We are all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com t-h e o to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H e l p.com Theo, when you.

[David Spade]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

Whenever you pass away, how do you.

[David Spade]

Remember to ask questions? I always watch this thing, and I'm like, I can't remember shit to talk.

[Theo Von]

To people about, dude. First of all, I'm a BLM advocate, so I get a lot of my show.

[David Spade]

Oh, there's you on us now.

[Theo Von]

Who is that?

[David Spade]

They're like, ladies and gentlemen, blm. And they're like, oh, is that the musical group? Is that you all happy? When were you that happy?

[Theo Von]

Never.

[David Spade]

Is that AI?

[Theo Von]

Is that Tom Brady's teeth?

[David Spade]

Oh, my God. I'll run out advertising space on those chompers. Are those your teeth?

[Theo Von]

That's gai, dude.

[David Spade]

That's horrible.

[Theo Von]

They got. That's on. The forearms are nice.

[David Spade]

I was about to say your forearms look good. And they shaved you a little bit. God, your whole body's shaved.

[Theo Von]

Well, it. It's. It's gonna be as soon as I get shape.

[David Spade]

No, you look good there. Well, why can't you look more like AI?

[Theo Von]

Well, well, do you think whenever you die, where do you want your body? Where do you want your ashes spread, do you think?

[David Spade]

Oh, I was just talking about this. No, I wasn't.

[Theo Von]

What are you gonna do with them?

[David Spade]

No, what do I do?

[Theo Von]

You're kind of a trickster.

[David Spade]

No, I'm not gonna do any tricks.

[Theo Von]

Really?

[David Spade]

I don't need weird stuff. Yeah, I mean, let me get a.

[Theo Von]

Couple grams of it.

[David Spade]

You want a little bit? Oh, if anybody needs money, I would let them sell them, you know, for whatever.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's cool.

[David Spade]

You could sell them here. Part of your merch. If you want. I could have Harper, she could take them. But I don't know, it's too morbid. I can't even think about this stuff. I get scared.

[Theo Von]

I want my. What if they had like, spade shades and we put them into some beautiful, beautiful sunglasses?

[David Spade]

Okay. You know, I'm pretty agreeable to everything. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Or how.

[David Spade]

Like spades shades.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Okay.

[Theo Von]

Or in their interior shades too, actually.

[David Spade]

Oh, my God. Okay, well, now we're getting somewhere. Yeah. And what was there a story about something?

[Theo Von]

Ashes shot into a schoolyard full of children.

[David Spade]

No, you should put it in a T shirt. Gun.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

And take it to some bayou horseshit. You know, LA rodeo.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, snake rodeo and.

[David Spade]

Yeah, snake. Brody, is that like an orgy you call an orgy? No. Wasn't there a story about some dog that ate someone's ashes or something?

[Theo Von]

Was there anything else? There was something in the news that's happening about it. Some eating ashes. We got that.

[David Spade]

Did you hear that? Bullshit. Look at this. Wait. Oh, my God. It's a Rolex. Anyway.

[Theo Von]

Is that real?

[David Spade]

Now the joke is like, I act like it's late. I go, oh, shit, it's a Rolex. And I go like this.

[Theo Von]

What time is it? Oh, wealth.

[David Spade]

Yeah. No, this is a real one. But it's the only one good thing I have. I did get robbed in my house, so you shouldn't be flashing around me. Toddler ate me ashes.

[Theo Von]

UK mom walked into an unthinkable situation when she found her one year old consuming her father's cremated remains. And she even has video of the mortifying situation.

[David Spade]

Aren't they. They're not good. They cannot taste good.

[Theo Von]

I don't know, I guess if you mix them with something.

[David Spade]

Vi.

[Theo Von]

God.

[David Spade]

When your son eats your dad, of course she films his ashes. My son has eaten my dad's lashes.

[Theo Von]

He didn't have a lot.

[David Spade]

That's the whole story, dude.

[Theo Von]

He only had a little bit.

[David Spade]

He only had like the forearm and, yeah, dude, that's nothing. That's so grody.

[Theo Von]

That lady's complaining. Also, the kid is a ginger, too Trouble. Yeah. So some of that you got to see coming. Some of that's on you.

[David Spade]

Also, the lady immediately sold it to tmz.

[Theo Von]

That's a great point, huh?

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

She probably served him up. Everything's for sale nowadays, it seems like. What other news stories we got, guys? Anything.

[David Spade]

Give us some before. Spade has the boogie. Spade looks pretty, pretty cool today.

[Theo Von]

Spade looks healthy today.

[David Spade]

Is there a hair? Here you go.

[Theo Von]

To me. Save it now.

[David Spade]

You know, I do is if you weren't here. If I light it on fire in front of the other ones.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

And I say, this is what happens when you try to make a break for Jump on me. And then it burns and it floats down. They all go, what the. And I go, yeah, might want to stick around.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, you might want to see the final act.

[David Spade]

Yeah, because they've.

[Theo Von]

It's hard to keep hair.

[David Spade]

No, no. It's ridiculous, and it's fucked up, and.

[Theo Von]

Our bodies can only hold so much hair.

[David Spade]

Tiffany, you have raging boners. What? I'm sorry. The guy, Brian Johnson, who's trying to live forever, he says that women also get their version of morning wood. Okay, who's Brian Johnson?

[Theo Von]

Let's take a look at him first.

[David Spade]

Is he the guy that tries to live forever? He's trying to be really old.

[Theo Von]

Is that him? I'm not. I'm not sure.

[David Spade]

He also sings for AC dc. That's Brian Johnson, too.

[Theo Von]

That's a different lying in bed just like Brian Johnson. There he is. Oh, there he is, huh? First of all, I thought this was Matt Rife.

[David Spade]

Is that his new special? It's his new cologne called Fucking Big Blood. What is this guy injecting in his wiener this week?

[Theo Von]

I know that's the only thing. This guy takes a lot of pills. Straight up the wee wee.

[David Spade]

Listen, I'm all for doing minimum 2 million worth of surgery on my face, but just to do a light dusting and cleanup. This guy's like, every day it's too much. And girls find that out. They don't want a dude that's spending their whole life to look six years younger. It's crazy.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You don't want somebody who's in there sandblasting their fucking clavicles in the morning. You can't even get any extra sleep.

[David Spade]

Fucking sanding their nuts. There's no wrinkles in them. Just fucking. You got them on the. You got your wiener out in the belt sander. Meow, meow.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, this guy's.

[David Spade]

No rinks.

[Theo Von]

Yes. See wrinkle.

[David Spade]

I mean, I get it. He wants to look. We all do. I'm falling apart. Someone put on my comments the other day. You got old fast, dude. Oh, thanks you. Oh, thanks. Fly to your house and beat you with a rock dick.

[Theo Von]

That's what I'm saying.

[David Spade]

I get really offended by the comments. I'm like this comment, these people are losers. So I tell myself, the guy goes, no way, I'm a winner. And I go, he's a winner. And he's doing this. Look at spade.

[Theo Von]

That's a tough part. Whoa.

[David Spade]

That's me when I get all the surgery and you go, spade, is that you?

[Theo Von]

Jonbenet. Pico gramsy.

[David Spade]

Huh? Look at those pecs though.

[Theo Von]

Dude. What the fuck? You better spend that money, David.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Why does he got bandaids on his finger? What's wrong with this dude?

[Theo Von]

And why has he got a half ounce of raspberry kum on him?

[David Spade]

Splurt.

[Theo Von]

Oh God. How many times you got to jerk off to get that?

[David Spade]

Yeah, and can you wear the cheapest chain you to spending your money on the wrong.

[Theo Von]

Wow, is that a neuralink necklace around his head?

[David Spade]

Shave your chest, you fruit cake.

[Theo Von]

God, that guy's been eating his own nipples off, I bet.

[David Spade]

Hey, you want some cherry pie melted down? Hey, Nips. Why would you push in on that? God, those c. Dude, those are hard boiled window cutters. Tic tac toe.

[Theo Von]

Dude, that's crazy. I don't know. How long would you want to be alive? You think? I don't.

[David Spade]

You mean. I like it now? I'm a little beat up around the edges at a rough. I had a rough upbringing.

[Theo Von]

But you got. If you get in a sauna for two days, you'll be bouncing. So 100.

[David Spade]

A sauna?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

You would not let me in your sauna.

[Theo Von]

Oh, it is a good point, huh? You didn't want to get into it. They had the ice bath too know.

[David Spade]

Okay, now here's this guy going though. Oh yeah, on the movie.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

No, honestly, whatever it takes. I was telling you beforehand, you're tougher than me. But movies are tough. They're tough mentally, they're tough physically. And it's just a grind. You have no life. You get up at dark, you go in. Every day is a problem. Like we don't have this. This car doesn't work. Remember? The cars weren't starting and we're like, dude, the cars.

[Theo Von]

We had to push the cars into.

[David Spade]

Every car we had. Like, did you want it to start? I go, yeah, you have to drive it in the scene. Okay, you got to tell us this up front, guys. I go, I have to tell you, a car should start. Well, it was low budge, but it's still. I mean, we make everything look as good as we can. Listen, Napoleon Dynamite was low budget. It's hilarious. So it's just about where you use the money. It's really just about me and you and just about being funny. So you don't need too much in the background.

[Theo Von]

But it was like, we got two brothers right here that'll push it for, like, 80 bucks. And we're like, have what?

[David Spade]

We're like, 60. Okay.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I was like, I don't care if they're related or not. I'm like, like, we have two guys that aren't related that'll do it for 120. And I'm like, oh, no.

[David Spade]

Bring the brothers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how it was, like, pushing cars into scenes. And then I. But I thought, overall, super fun. Glad. Glad to do it. And excited for the final product.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Thanks for doing it, man.

[David Spade]

For sure.

[Theo Von]

It was. It was definitely really interesting to get to do. I can't even. It just. Yeah, you learned. You learned so much stuff. You're like, Jesus.

[David Spade]

Well, I haven't really done a comedy teen movie since, I think Black Sheep in that, because it's like growing ups. There's five of us. Wrong. Missy was me and Lauren, and she was great. It wasn't even really a comedy. She was like, all the jokes, I was just reacting, which is important, but it was sort of her thing. So it was fun to go back and forth and on the set when thinking of jokes and stuff. That's fun part. Those are the fun parts of movies. Like, once we're in it and we're doing the scenes and laughing, then it's fun, you know, the rest of it's tough. Yeah. God, could we cry? Could I cry? I'm not crying about the movie. It's fun. No, dude, I cry about everything. I cry. I cried about the drive here.

[Theo Von]

I'm like, yeah, we have to give a soft spot in your heart for everything.

[David Spade]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

For having to do stuff. Yeah. Like, it's just definitely, man. It's life. We're being alive. No, dude, we're just talking about it. It's fucking life.

[David Spade]

Yeah, life.

[Theo Von]

Everything isn't like. I think people don't think that everything is just complete magic or whatever, you know?

[David Spade]

Right. I Mean, the bottom line is, it's funny. When you watch a movie, any movie you see, you go. You don't think about how long, how much shit it took. You just go, funny or not, that's all.

[Theo Von]

Especially you start watching movie, and you're like, this movie fucking sucks. And then they're like. And then you don't even think. You're like, these fucking idiots got together every day and made it that even.

[David Spade]

They made it. They worked hard. This is some rewrite. They love bomb. Yeah. When I go to movies, I used to sit through everything because I love comedy, I love movies. And then about five years ago, I started to walk out of movies. It's very hard, I think, attention span and everything where I'm like. Or I kind of know where it's going. And I'm like, if there's not enough tricks here, I'm. I gotta go.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. If there's not some. A good bit of fucking in them, I'm out.

[David Spade]

If nothing else, someone start fucking someone.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Or I'm fucking out of minimum.

[Theo Von]

Even if it's animals, I'll watch that.

[David Spade]

Listen, how am I watching that when I know I have stepbrother porn on my phone if I need it?

[Theo Von]

Hey, yeah, dude, I don't need a DNA test to watch that. You know what I'm saying?

[David Spade]

You know, and stepbrother porn. I'll tell you. Then I gotta get out.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, talk about one of your favorite things about it. I have one. Oh, is this a thing?

[David Spade]

Sperm racing. That's not. Is that true?

[Theo Von]

Sperm racing, a new sport. That's KTLA 5. Yeah. Sperm racing, a new sport is coming to Los Angeles. You read that, right? A startup recently announced the launch of the world's first live sperm race. You'll be able to watch its inaugural edition. Does everyone get a microscope right here in Los Angeles? I don't know. Let me see. The startup known simply as Sperm Raising raised a million dollars in support of their efforts to put on the world's first sperm race.

[David Spade]

I like that you read it so fast. I'm not even understanding.

[Theo Von]

No. Fertility is declining, thus to raise awareness.

[David Spade]

So what happens? Just. Let's say I'm in fifth grade, you get a boner. I'm trying to explain to a fifth grader. Why would I. No.

[Theo Von]

Well, son.

[David Spade]

Oh, look at the. Look at the chart. That really helps me.

[Theo Von]

So now, if you're jerking off, you just tell your dad I'm staying competitive out here. Now, you might be wondering how exactly a sperm race works. Well, the founders Laid it out first. A microscopic racetrack for the two sperm samples to compete on will be constructed. The course mimics reproductive system and includes chemical signals, fluid dynamics, and synchronized starts.

[David Spade]

Is this for the next Olympics? What are we doing?

[Theo Von]

God, dude, I don't know, because I'm tired of just jerking off off and. No, nobody wins.

[David Spade]

How about this? I'll get the high jump, and that's about it. Good. De. Okay, Flop it over. Yeah, No, I don't even whack off.

[Theo Von]

Mine's more like. It looks like a couple. Couple guys just rolling out of a sleeping bag these days.

[David Spade]

I like the last. The last scene of some dude in this. In the scene, he goes, yeah, and it's like 1cc like this. The guy's like, oh, yeah, you missed a good batch.

[Theo Von]

Oh, I'm thinking I'm. Dude, I'm working with an eye dropper these days. That's for sure.

[David Spade]

And the girl's like this. Ah. And they're like, oh, there it is. Got it. No sperm races. Yeah, let's look forward to that in 2028. Gavin Newsom Olympics.

[Theo Von]

First sperm across the finish line wins. That's pretty much it. One more news topic for you. Go, Dan.

[David Spade]

The two guys that play lose.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, dude, that's true. The two guys that play it.

[David Spade]

I like on the side. What do you think? Last one. No opinion. Okay. Ga. Georgia.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, Georgia 911 caller here is dispatcher ordering McGriddle during emergency call. Oh, I hate this kind of stuff. I just hate when the lines get crossed or whatever. You ever do that?

[David Spade]

What do you mean? Oh, like a party line.

[Theo Von]

Oh, when I was a kid. Yeah, like when I was a kid or whatever. You'd be talking to your friend and then it would cross over and you'd just have some big guy's voice. It's like, these are gonna die. You're like, who was that talking?

[David Spade]

Hell, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, just a line. You've never even heard the voice before. Like, the line would get crossed and it's your stepdad. Yeah, yeah.

[David Spade]

No, I want to hear more about the McGriddle. What about on Instagram when they show cars doing donuts and they always hit somebody? Oh, yeah, they go, street takeover. And everyone's like, yeah, my God, everyone gets hit. You guys get. At this point, these aren't professional.

[Theo Von]

Get out the way.

[David Spade]

Yeah, get out the way.

[Theo Von]

A 911 caller in Chatham County, Georgia, had a very hard time getting. Getting through to dispatchers when he thought.

[David Spade]

Someone was breaking Chatham County. Problem?

[Theo Von]

Just some good old breakfast when he finally did get through. He said the dispatcher was ordering breakfast. My wife called me.

[David Spade]

Oh, we got a lot of report. Go ahead, let's see it. 11 call from earlier this year after the dispatcher was ordering breakfast. Look at that statement. Wait, the dispatch. So the person getting the call, it was in February. Dylan.

[Theo Von]

Here we go. Let's you know what, hear more from.

[David Spade]

This horse snooping around his home in the Savannah area. He called the non emergency line first and then called 9113 times after finally getting an answer. He was shocked by what he heard during the call. If it.

[Theo Von]

If it didn't happen to me, I.

[David Spade]

Wouldn'T believe that that happened to someone else.

[Theo Von]

That's how unbelievable it is.

[David Spade]

The bottom Theo von Fan report on that call is complete.

[Theo Von]

The findings will then be given. That lady looks like your mom. A little spade.

[David Spade]

She looks like a reptilian.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Never mind. Your mom looks way.

[David Spade]

No, my mom's hot. My mom got her knee replaced.

[Theo Von]

Did she?

[David Spade]

Yeah. You haven't said about it. She might want you to call her.

[Theo Von]

Oh, definitely. Dude.

[David Spade]

She's so excited. Oh, where's the movie?

[Theo Von]

That's what she said?

[David Spade]

Yeah. Oh, is it fun? It's going to be funny. I can tell. It just sounds fun. She's very positive. Yeah, she's very positive.

[Theo Von]

She is.

[David Spade]

Busboy sounds fun. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh yeah. Dude, I was a busboy for how long are you a bus boy for probably two years.

[David Spade]

I was the worst.

[Theo Von]

That's it.

[David Spade]

Theo.

[Theo Von]

Dude, you told me you were bus boy for a long time.

[David Spade]

I was a dishwasher for a year, then busboy, then bus boy, then valet parker. No, I would be longer except I get. I got fired over and over.

[Theo Von]

Dude, she does. That does look like the lady your mom. Dude, your mom likes jade. So does my mom.

[David Spade]

Oh, jade. Oh, that's turquoise. But she wears a lot of jade and she wears a lot of turquoise.

[Theo Von]

Oh yeah, turquoise, dude. Desert jade.

[David Spade]

Yeah. No, she loves it.

[Theo Von]

That sand jade they call it, you know, in some circles.

[David Spade]

Look at me with makeup on.

[Theo Von]

God. Does your mom have a good sense of humor?

[David Spade]

She's the best. Yeah. She's hysterical.

[Theo Von]

My mom looks like Willie Nelson. Bring up a picture of her.

[David Spade]

Bring up real.

[Theo Von]

But she's awesome too.

[David Spade]

Does your mom like me?

[Theo Von]

She loves you.

[David Spade]

Does she really?

[Theo Von]

She would way rather have you.

[David Spade]

Steve, look at cute. Is that you in a bandana?

[Theo Von]

There's my mom right there.

[David Spade]

Oh. Where were you guys?

[Theo Von]

Maybe I would have loved.

[David Spade]

Maybe I didn't love you. Why does all what if she took off a mask as Bobby Lee the whole time.

[Theo Von]

You were always.

[David Spade]

You're always on, Mom. I love Elvis. And, oh, Willie's great. My mom's favorite person is Willie. Favorite performer.

[Theo Von]

You're lying. I swear to God, that's my mom's favorite dude.

[David Spade]

Look at him.

[Theo Von]

Look at him and look at my mom.

[David Spade]

Oh, he's sexy. I don't care about the Ringles. He is sexy. He's so good.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Talent.

[Theo Von]

Oh, my mom says, I'd like to climb up those braids and get into him.

[David Spade]

Your mom's got a side pony going.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, she rocks that.

[David Spade]

Where are you guys? Which Waffle House is that?

[Theo Von]

That's one of. Actually. That was ranked one of the top 600 Waffle Houses.

[David Spade]

She's like, you're so rich. Where are you taking me? You're like, oh, pulling a Waffle House. Oh, you want to go somewhere else? Beep, beep. She's like, no, we can have the buck 99 special. You're like, mom, I just feel like it's your most comfortable here.

[Theo Von]

She like, dude, she likes it. Ever since RFK Jr cleaned up there. Some of. Some of their feeding patterns over there.

[David Spade]

Do you have syrup? That's. That was overheard.

[Theo Von]

We're gonna start using owl piss.

[David Spade]

Yeah. Did you hear about the guy that tried to piss in his pool or something?

[Theo Von]

No. Some guy was leaving piss somewhere, and they hit him with a hammer. What was that I saw with that hammer, Dude, I don't know if that's the whole story. What was that article I saw with the hammer, dude?

[David Spade]

Oh, my God.

[Theo Von]

God.

[David Spade]

This is the last one. Ready? Lot of pee. Man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin. We should have started with this one. I like this one.

[Theo Von]

Or why. It's a lot of pee. A man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin or why. Dude, it's Kappa cig. That's who's doing it.

[David Spade]

Dude, I'll tell you, this guy also is on Instagram trying to fill his pool with piss himself. And it's been a year, and it's not that much. And I can tell you it's going to take him longer. I figured out. Dane and I on our podcast figured out if you try to piss to fill up the Grand Canyon, if every person did it once a day, it would take 800 years. Isn't that crazy?

[Theo Von]

It's not that long.

[David Spade]

That sounds like a lot, but that. It isn't that long. But the Grand Canyon is Bigger than you think, dude.

[Theo Von]

Remember when your parents left you at the Grand Canyon?

[David Spade]

Now, don't even bring that up. It's such a sore sub.

[Theo Von]

Just glad to see when your mom.

[David Spade]

By the way, you don't know, maybe Jodor's parents, they were maybe doing it as a favor. For some reason, we haven't thought of that.

[Theo Von]

Tbd, dude.

[David Spade]

It's a little late to be thinking about the plot.

[Theo Von]

Dude, the best thing was we got to sing the Beatles, though. That was the best thing, I think.

[David Spade]

Where was that?

[Theo Von]

Probably on Busboys, on the movie we did. Yeah.

[David Spade]

What did we sing?

[Theo Von]

Anytime we got to singing, remember?

[David Spade]

Oh, we'd sing Abbey Road off camera.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the Beatles. Oh, I love the Beatles. McCartney, the Beetle. I love it all, man. Dude.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[David Spade]

Yeah. All right, well, I gotta let you go.

[Theo Von]

All right.

[David Spade]

I'm gonna stick around for a little bit, but I'll let you take off. No, but thanks for having me. Miss you, Dandelion.

[Theo Von]

Out now. Coming out in the next day or two. Check it out.

[David Spade]

Yep. May 6th, Amazon. And check it out. Smash that button. Whatever you're supposed to do, hit that like.

[Theo Von]

And subscribe.

[David Spade]

Yeah, whatever it is.

[Theo Von]

You guys, one of the greats. One of the funniest people I've ever met, man. I feel lucky to be able to know you. And I really feel lucky that you came over today, man. Just thanks for making us laugh, dude.

[David Spade]

I love it, dude. You always crack me up and. All Right, guys, see you out there. Feel I'm falling Like these leaves I must be cornerstone oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel.

[Theo Von]

It in my bones but it's gonna take.