E545 Stavros Halkias

Summary

Podcast Summary: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von - Episode E545 featuring Stavros Halkias

Release Date: November 18, 2024

In Episode E545 of "This Past Weekend" hosted by Theo Von, Theo sits down with the multifaceted entertainer Stavros Halkias. The episode delves deep into Stavros's latest creative endeavor, his experiences in the entertainment industry, and personal anecdotes that showcase his humor and candidness.

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1. Introduction to Stavros Halkias

Theo kicks off the conversation by introducing Stavros Halkias, highlighting his roles as a stand-up comedian, podcaster, actor, and co-writer/star of his new film, "Let's Start a Cult." The introduction sets the stage for an engaging discussion about Stavros's diverse career and creative projects.

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2. Deep Dive into "Let's Start a Cult"

Stavros passionately discusses his new movie, "Let's Start a Cult," providing listeners with an insight into its conception and execution.

• Comparative Analysis: Stavros compares his film to a mix of "Billy Madison" and "Lincoln Lawyer," emphasizing its foundation in classic, silly comedy without the heavy drama of films like "12 Years a Slave."

  "It's a dumb ass comedy... Just trying to make a fun time, 90 minutes." [04:49]

• Creative Vision and Budget: With a budget of approximately $750k, Stavros explains the challenges of independent filmmaking and the importance of maintaining creative freedom without the constraints of mainstream studio systems.

  "The only limitation was budget. And for me, I think that's so much cooler. And you get to actually be an artist about it." [27:40]

• Filmmaking Insights: Stavros shares valuable lessons learned from the filmmaking process, particularly the significance of the visual medium in storytelling and how it complements comedic writing.

  "It's a visual medium. It's like a bunch of interesting pictures strung together." [35:14]

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3. Balancing Multiple Projects

The conversation shifts to Stavros's ability to juggle various projects simultaneously, including his podcast, stand-up tours, and movie promotions.

• Building a Fan Base: Stavros reflects on the modern landscape where creators can build their own audiences online, allowing for more authentic and self-directed projects.

  "I want to just do make the stuff I love... Make a movie." [10:07]

• Personal Struggles and Triumphs: He candidly discusses his health journey, weight loss, and the challenges of maintaining work-life balance while staying committed to his creative passions.

  "I've lost some weight this year... I feel better." [48:49]

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4. Upcoming Projects and Future Endeavors

Stavros teases upcoming projects and tours, including the much-anticipated Dreamboat Tour, hinting at innovative ways to engage with his audience.

"I'm doing a couple for the holidays. It's nuts to go to your favorite team... we'll do the Dreamboat Tour." [53:56]

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5. Humorous Anecdotes and Personal Stories

Both Theo and Stavros share lighthearted and humorous stories from their personal lives, showcasing their chemistry and ability to find humor in everyday situations.

• Living Situations: Stavros recounts his time living in a friend's house with limited space and resources, leading to amusing escapades and memorable experiences.

  "I sold them out of my fucking Honda Civic. And now it's like... a couple thousand bucks. I'm rich, dude." [41:55]

• Unexpected Encounters: Tales of unconventional interactions, such as meeting a gay waiter at a Waffle House while under the influence, highlight their knack for storytelling.

  "We started laughing so hard and started choking. The guy was giving him the Heimlich Maneuver." [102:18]

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6. Social Commentary and Reflections

Towards the latter part of the episode, Theo and Stavros touch upon broader societal issues, including politics, healthcare, and the influence of powerful individuals in shaping public policy.

• Healthcare Concerns: Stavros expresses apprehensions about the Supreme Court's decisions impacting women's healthcare and the broader implications for society.

  "Women's right to... abortion. That is really dangerous." [111:53]

• Economic Inequality: Discussions about wage disparities and the economic struggles faced by the working class underscore their reflections on current events.

  "Wages have not kept pace with how much bosses are earning." [114:33]

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7. Closing Remarks and Encouragement

As the episode draws to a close, both hosts emphasize the importance of supporting independent creators and staying true to one's artistic vision despite the challenges posed by mainstream industries.

"It's about making cool shit. It's not about starting for money." [28:20]

Stavros encourages listeners to watch his movie, "Let's Start a Cult," available on various VOD platforms, and to support creative endeavors outside established systems.

"Please go see it... Anytime creative people make outside of a system, it's kind of important to go support that." [34:02]

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Notable Quotes:

• "I'm not trying to make a good ass movie. I'm trying to make a fun time." – Stavros Halkias [05:16]
• "You're going to have to do something with your face and that's a laugh." – Stavros Halkias [35:15]
• "The only limitation was budget. And for me, I think that's so much cooler." – Stavros Halkias [27:40]
• "I'm a comic. And comedy movies are an extension of just like..." – Stavros Halkias [04:49]

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Conclusion: Episode E545 of "This Past Weekend" offers listeners an entertaining and insightful glimpse into Stavros Halkias's creative processes, personal life, and perspectives on contemporary issues. Through humor and candid conversation, Theo Von and Stavros provide a rich narrative that not only promotes their latest projects but also engages with meaningful discussions about art, society, and personal growth.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co founder of angie. When you use Angie for your home projects, you know all your jobs will be done well, from roof repair to emergency plumbing and more done well. So the next time you have a home project, leave it to the pros. Get [e-mail]. today's guest is a standup comedian. He's a podcaster. He's an actor. He has a new film called let's Start a Cult that he both co wrote and starred in. He's got his own podcast, Stavi's World, and he's one of the hottest young comics in America. I'm grateful for his time today. I'm grateful for his honesty. Always. No one else I'd rather be sitting down with than Mr. Stavros health. Yes. Hey. Hey. Whoa. You look so slick, huh?

[B]

Thanks, man. Yeah, going with a slick back.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

You like it, bro?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Little aerodynamic.

[A]

Looks very. I'm trying to think of what it even makes me feel like.

[B]

I love it. Explore that, bro.

[A]

Like a principal, maybe?

[B]

Yeah, maybe.

[A]

Principal at a very unique school.

[B]

We don't give grades, man.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't give grades. There's. I need some socks, dude.

[B]

I think it's a good look.

[A]

No.

[B]

You can't throw ankles out, dude. You can't give.

[A]

I mean, I feel homeless. I just. I just felt some wind hit him, and my first thought was, I've worked too hard.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I got the thighs out. I give out the whole leg for free.

[A]

Yeah, but you have good legs, man.

[B]

Thank you, bro. I appreciate that.

[A]

Yeah. And do a lot of people from where you or your culture have good legs? Huh?

[B]

I think so. Yeah. I think so.

[A]

It's a leg. Because even the pillars. Yeah, it's like. That's a part of it. Huh?

[B]

There's a lot of hills. Greece is very hilly. I think people are.

[A]

The hills have thighs, dude. Over there.

[B]

They really do. I think that helps.

[A]

Yeah. Because you see a man like that, it's like, this is a structural man.

[B]

Sound. Sound. I am structurally sound. You're not shaking me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're not shaking me, bro.

[A]

No, you won't. You're not like that. Building 47 or whatever.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Or whatever that is.

[B]

Seven. Was it building seven?

[A]

Which one is it that keeps falling down?

[B]

Seven.

[A]

Tower seven.

[B]

Tower seven?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

The one that we can't exactly explain or something.

[A]

Yeah. Some guys like, oh, it's a great time to just get three. All right, all right. I see what you're doing, man.

[B]

Wouldn't have happened if it was made out of Hellenic marble.

[A]

Yeah. Out of some strong baklava. Some baklav.

[B]

You can't shake baklava either.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

As far as desserts go, very structurally structurally sound. You're right. You're right.

[A]

Stavros Halkios. Dude, you have a new movie. The movie is let's Start a Cult. Start a cult.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

And is it kind of your new movie? Is it kind of like. Is it like. What's the. Is it a 12 Years a Slave type of thing? Is it a. Like a Lincoln Lawyer? Like, what's the.

[B]

Those are your de references.

[A]

What's the arc of it?

[B]

You know, 12 years a slave, which is like a serious slavery drama that won Oscars with a Lincoln Lawyer. Just a middle of the Road, Matthew McConaughey entertaining movie. I think it's. Which are. They're both good movies, by the way. Lawyer. Pretty good years.

[A]

Slave was a little long. They could have done it. Could have done it in eight years.

[B]

Nine years of slavery.

[A]

Seven minute slaves.

[B]

We didn't need to see all 12 of the years.

[A]

Yeah, dude, come on. The last two years, it's like we kind of get how this.

[B]

We get it, we get it. But. Yeah.

[A]

What's the story arc? You know, like what. Yeah, what do we expect it.

[B]

Yeah, dude. So it's. It's way less. Way, way smaller of a budget than those two. Honestly. The movie is. I just love dumb ass comedies. Like the stuff we grew up on, like the Sandler, you know, Spade Farley, you know, to Will Ferrell, to all that stuff. That was just like silly as shit good. You know, like the first movie I was obsessed with was Billy Madison. Right. And just like goofy. Technically a premise, but it's like, would this ever happen in real life? No, but we just need. It's there to just as like a skeleton for jokes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And let's get goofy, let's get silly. Let's get a bunch of funny people in it. And that's what this movie is, dude. It was like, I just wanted, you know, I wanted the opportunity to make something that I loved. And like, I. I don't consider myself an actor. I'm a comic. And comedy movies, I think are an extension of just like, I'm not trying to make a good ass movie. I'm trying to make a fun time. 90 minutes. And you know, I'm proud of it. Don't get me wrong, it's not dog. Like, it's.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but it's not like Amistad or like trying to get something else. I've seen recently no slavery.

[B]

I don't know what's going on with your reverence is no sorry Amadeus maybe.

[A]

No bridges over Madison county or whatever.

[B]

Sure, sure. I didn't see that one. The Bridge to Terabithia.

[A]

Oh, you saw that one on.

[B]

That's a child's movie. I saw that as a kid.

[A]

It's about a. It's a. Something happens to somebody. I remember.

[B]

I haven't seen. I haven't seen it since I was a child. I. Is it like a allegory for something wrong?

[A]

Well, someone's handicapped, something. And I remember somebody was trying to do the life of Jesse Bridges to Terabithia and adolescent changes when he befriends Leslie. The class outside of the children created imaginary world called Terabythia, which is inhabited by all manner of.

[B]

So basically. No, it's not like that either. It's not like the breach of therapy.

[A]

Yeah. So. Okay, so it's not like that.

[B]

It's just fun, dude.

[A]

And I think like, funny movie, good comedy, funny.

[B]

You turn your brain off. No lessons. You're not going to be a better. You're not going to be a better or worse person.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? You're just going to have a good time. You just. You can get high as fuck. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, you can. You can make some popcorn. You won't miss plot points. You might want to go back and miss and see if you missed a joke, but you get the movie. You know what I mean? The whole point is like, basically the bullet point is what if a guy was so annoying, his cult committed suicide without him? Like, they left him out of the. Left him out of the final ritual. And then he tries to start up his new. His own cult and that's the like. And so I'm just. I'm that guy. I'm the fucking annoying idiot who's just like, you know, with a heart of gold classics classic comedy shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I just like, you know, we meet a bunch of funny people. We have really funny comics in it. Bobby Kelly is in it for a little bit. Tom Papa's in it for a little bit. You know, a lot of really funny. Just like Wes Haney, who is the who co wrote it with me and Ben Kitnick. It was basically like me and my friends got a chance to make a movie and I was like, yeah, fuck it. What the fuck? Like, no one. No one lets him. No one lets no one lets me star in a movie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? So you just gotta do it. So.

[A]

Yeah. It's nice to have a movie where it sounds like you just can just go look at a movie.

[B]

Go look at a movie. And the jokes are like, I'm not. I'm not trying to make any commentary on anything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm just trying to make you laugh.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's like that. It has been even some of my favorite movies, like towards the end, they all kind of had weird lessons where they just kind of got like even 40 year old virgin. It's weirdly like an allegory for virginity and like, fine. Saving yourself from. You can read into a lot of those movies. You cannot read into this movie. There is nothing. There is no. There is no subtext. There is no. It's a fat. It's a lovable fat guy getting into hijinks for 89 minutes, not even 90. He'll be out, you'll be out. And if you fast forward through the credits, we get that to 87 and a half.

[A]

That's what I'm talking about.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

So that's nothing like a thick guy coming in short, you know.

[B]

Absolutely, absolutely.

[A]

Okay, so I get the movie and they, We. They need good comedy. It's like you need a. It's like you go to a thing now, it's like, yeah, some stuff. It doesn't even make you laugh. You're like, what is this about? Or whatever. And then like everybody at the end is kind of like handicapped or something, like getting like, what is this? You know, it's like Elliot gets a rainbow or something.

[B]

Like, what is this? It's not.

[A]

You know, and it's like the guy always has a heart transplant.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But his new heart is.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is like a libertarian or so.

[B]

Yeah. So now he's like, I'm going to kill myself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I would rather. I would rather die than have. Have a heart. That's against public school systems or something. You know, no one will be committing seppuku at the end of this movie for their political.

[A]

It's called. It's called Homeschool Heart. That movie. It's a movie where somebody gets our transplant and that heart is a homeschool teacher.

[B]

Homeschool. Yeah. That would be fun. Yeah. Yeah. It's either. It's either. It's like both sides. It's like. And even independent movies, it's like. I don't know, because I. And you know, I'd love to talk about just more Comedy stuff, too, but.

[A]

Yeah, but this is interesting because it's a new time where someone is making their own film.

[B]

Well, that's the thing, dude, is like, I don't know how you feel, but I feel like I hit the jackpot of all jackpots. Right. Like, I never thought I'd be fucking podcasting. You know what I mean? Like, I wanted to just do comedy. I never thought I would have to, like, build my own fan base to just, like, make a living. And then, like, got really lucky and. And, like, so when you get lucky, what do you do with it? And it's like, I've never been the kind of person that just wants to chase. I don't want to get super famous. I don't want to get super rich. I want to be able to make the stuff I fucking love. And, like, that's what this was. It's like, I think, you know, there's some people who, like, we have a chance, like, building our own fan bases where it's like, we can make what we like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And instead of trying to desperately get into, like, a mainstream studio system or, you know, not that I won't make a fucking, you know, you know, studio. And once we make a movie, I'd love to do it, but instead of, like, waiting for years, like, I think. I don't know, I think a bunch of, like, a generation of comics found out you can go through the Internet, make up a fan base, and then it's like, what do you want to do with it? And for me, it's like, let me just do. Make a movie. Like, yeah, no, the way no 1. The way no 1. It's stupid that I get to, like, sell out theaters. It's stupid. I get to make movies, but that's what I want to do. And instead of just, like, being broke and trying to be an actor and all this other, it was like, I know at least some people will see it. My fans will see it. Hopefully, you know, some of your fans will see it. Like, that's the cool thing about building, like, a network where it's like, you just hit up your friends. It's like, I'm not on. I got on NPR because the lady liked my mood. What? Like a lady on the weekend thing liked my movie, but it's like, we don't even have a mainstream way to. To put it out there. So I don't know, man. I just think it's cool. And it would be sick if people just started doing that. If you started doing whatever you're passionate about because you have this fan base and you've built your own thing. And.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tires is like that. That was really inspired, you know, that.

[A]

Was the best thing. Yeah. That was once something amazing about tires. It was like. You heard jokes on there for the first time. There was jokes about everybody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was just normal stuff. You would probably hear.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

At a very alarming rubber shop.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bad time.

[A]

You know, you're like, God, this place.

[B]

Exactly. And it's like, no one's saying that that's the only comedy that has to exist. You know what I mean? I want to see from everybody, but it's like, go make your own. Everybody gets to make their own. So that's why my version of that is just like a goofy ass.

[A]

Let's start a cult.

[B]

Let's start a cult. And it's on vod. You can rent it. Rent it or buy it. Right now.

[A]

You can do that right now.

[B]

By the time this is out, it'll be. You can go rent it. You can.

[A]

Right now. They can get it. Yeah.

[B]

And it's like.

[A]

And it's like, so, Vod, like, what is that? So I know it means video on demand, but where. Like, what is it?

[B]

Apple, Amazon?

[A]

Just wherever you rent, you can go to Amazon.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Put in. Let's start a culture movie.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

And now what's that price point? How do y'all figure that out?

[B]

I don't actually know, but hopefully low. I'm trying to get it out there. I was trying. I was. I'm trying to get there.

[A]

And what do you mean low? You talking 9.99.

[B]

Yeah, probably. Maybe lower even than that.

[A]

Well, that's.

[B]

Yeah, I just want people to see it.

[A]

Yeah, but you don't want. Yeah, yeah, I get.

[B]

You know, but you're right. I think probably 9.99.

[A]

If somebody's like, I can get this, or I can get some black nuggets. It's not that they're gonna debate between the two.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But then they're kind of like, hey, I want both for 14.99. Right.

[B]

Maybe we should.

[A]

Want to.

[B]

Maybe we should talk to McDonald's. We just do. We could do a tie in. Remember those glass cups for Batman? You remember those? Dude, those were sick. Batman. I believe Batman Forever, which was not a good movie. It was like the Jim Carrey.

[A]

Oh, I forgot that he was Batman.

[B]

No, no, he was the Riddler.

[A]

Oh, he was the Riddler.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. They had those glass cups.

[A]

Oh, wait.

[B]

With The. Yes. Oh, you remember those, dude?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I had the fuck out of the two face ones, but one loser shattered.

[A]

One of those in the fucking ball pit.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Mm. And ruined it.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, people were dealing with that. Yeah, that one. That was a iconic one. The Tommy Lee Jones one. That movie was fucking awesome. And the one after it with Mr. Freeze was even more awesome. They had Joel Schumacher, who was just like, the gayest guy of all time. He's the man. He's a great director, but he made it fun as shit. Like, those movies sucked coming off the Tim Burton Batmans, because they were, like, went from dark and, like, moody and kind of cool and comic book to, like, truly the campiest. It was like, essentially Batman going to, like, drag brunch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And, like, people weren't ready for that now. But throw those on now, you'll have a great time. You'll be like, wow, this is so over the top. But it's fun, dude. You know what I mean? Like, they got jacked, guys. They got sexy ladies just parading around. It's. It's very fun. Alicia Silverstone's Batwoman. Batgirl. Oh, I remember, she's looking pretty good.

[A]

When did this happen? Because I saw the one with Hugh Ledger, and then I saw Heath Ledger.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then I saw the one where it was like, the two old guys in the cave running around, you know? Remember that one?

[B]

I don't remember that.

[A]

Batman.

[B]

Batman versus Superman. Like a rock or something and Robin.

[A]

Yeah. Can you bring that up?

[B]

Oh, you mean like the old ass ones?

[A]

Yeah, the one where they're, like, running around in the same cave over and over again with Adam West. Yeah. And one of the guys. Oh, there you go. Yeah. And one of the guys, like, I'm Batman. The other guy's like, I'm just here, you know? Yeah, I'm here for the party. That guy.

[B]

Well, they. They were actually part. Adam west was absolutely getting pussy in this era. He was. He's, like, notorious for fucking and sucking.

[A]

Really?

[B]

In this. Yeah.

[A]

And I believe with men, too.

[B]

I don't think men. I.

[A]

Well, I'm pussy.

[B]

Yeah. Is that what man asses is that? It's long?

[A]

I think they call it that. I mean, because, dude, if you look at it, they, you know, wiener. Wiener is just long pussy.

[B]

Oh, you mean the dick is long pussy. Okay, I thought you were the ass.

[A]

Oh, yeah, dude. A wiener is just like a pussy that's reaching for something. Look at this guy. Now, this just looks like anything.

[B]

This looks like it's awesome. He refused to shave. To shave his mustache. So they just painted it over. This is how little they gave a fuck about the Batman TV show. The guy was like, I'm not shaving my mustache. They're like, we don't give a fuck, man.

[A]

He's like, I got to play tennis tomorrow. I shave in this thing.

[B]

But Burgess Meredith, who played the Penguin in this and also played Mickey and Rocky, I believe him and Adam west were absolute coos hounds. They were just fucking so much in these. In these times.

[A]

I.

[B]

And by that, I mean I saw one tick tock about it and I love to think of that.

[A]

Well, they didn't have condoms at this time, did they?

[B]

I don't believe so.

[A]

When did condoms really start?

[B]

I had them, but they weren't using them. You think there was like a luxury good. It was like a fancy thing because they had. They probably had like. I bet you, like, cavemen were like, putting their dick in, like, sheep's, like, intestines not to have killed children at a certain point.

[A]

Oh. Just to get it out of their system.

[B]

I think they just figured out condoms pretty quick.

[A]

Like, condoms have been used for centuries, but became more popular at different times for different reasons. 18th century condoms became more well known and the market grew despite opposition.

[B]

Opposition to condoms. That was the first time the church was like, this is unnatural. I absolutely.

[A]

The church was against him.

[B]

I promise you. The church was against him because every. They got a nutritionist. The whole point of life is procreation.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So for them.

[A]

And Mother Nature was probably against it. Nature has to be. Because nature wants things to have sex.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Right. That's what nature needs, that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I wonder if nature put that in the minds of people. Like, we can't stop it.

[B]

Yes. You mean like.

[A]

Like Mother Nature planted that thought into your head or she's not going to let that. Not like that's her only goal.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Is to smash him party.

[B]

But is it. Is it people, though? Because people were doing her harm. Maybe Mother Nature wanted condoms. So rabbits. So rabbits and plants and could. And bring back, you know, the eco. Because we're polluting especially. This is the 18th century mother nature probably. She. The industrial revolution happens, we start polluting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's like, these are no good.

[A]

Yeah. You got to get. We got to get them out of here.

[B]

We got to get them nutting inside of plastic bags, inside of pussies instead of free and clear.

[A]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Yeah. Started to become sort of this.

[B]

Oh, look at this.

[A]

It was like blue blockers for sex, you know? 19th century. Yeah, go on. What you said. We're gonna say, despite opposition, they were sold in pubs, theaters, and barbershops.

[B]

When the lineup's so crispy, you know you're gonna get pussy.

[A]

Like, now this.

[B]

That's. That's a good marketing ploy.

[A]

It is.

[B]

You're gonna need one of these, pal. I lined you up so nice. Yeah.

[A]

Good day, sir. And then you get a bad cut, and the guy's like, you're not gonna have enough.

[B]

We have eight for the whole city. And by the way, wash it out and tie it back up when you're done. These things are expensive.

[A]

I know. You see them on the clothesline. Those are the days.

[B]

Don't. Not in it too much.

[A]

I know. Hey, come on over. I stole my neighbor's condom.

[B]

Yeah, we'll go half on. Going half on a condom with your boy tonight. Tonight, Judy, like, dude, jack off before you fuck.

[A]

Yeah, I.

[B]

You don't. I don't want the first nut of the day going in this thing.

[A]

We need.

[B]

We need the second. The weaker one goes in this one.

[A]

We got to. We got to. We got to keep the foundation intact on this thing, dude.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

The teeth can't handle. It can only handle about 7 psi.

[B]

It's not rated for the first nut of the day loads. It's not rated for that.

[A]

That's crazy. And then 19th century, it says rubber condoms became popular. However, condominium use was mainly limited to the upper class due to a lack of sexual education.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

In the working classes. Wow.

[B]

That makes sense.

[A]

Oh, for sure. Like, these people can barely. You know if this guy's making shoes all day.

[B]

Yeah, he's cobbling.

[A]

Yeah, he's cobbling. Or. Or would cobbling be, like, a hierarchy job? You think?

[B]

Oh, you like. You mean. You mean they're in the shoe factory? The cobbler is kind of a.

[A]

An artisan.

[B]

A bespoke. Yes, Artisan. You're right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. He's probably somewhere in between the two. 19th century, so we're talking the 1800s. You still got both. You still got Comblers and shoe factory workers.

[A]

They wouldn't let them have condoms.

[B]

It's a little bit of both, I would say, where it's like, the education keeps them not understanding how useful is. So the working class has kids. Working class women have to have kids earlier. They're trapped. They don't get to fucking. You know, I mean, it's a classic thing. The working class always gets tricked in this fucking in all of human history, while the fucking. The barons fucking suck. You know what I mean? They're on their fucking couches. They're on chaise lounges.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The factory workers, they don't know any.

[A]

Better, but then they're just letting them have sex and make more factory workers, which seems bizarre.

[B]

Well, that's good for, again, the upper classes. They want disposable working class people in shitty living conditions. What do they care?

[A]

Right? And so if people have more kids, it keeps them in poverty because then they have to spend to take care of the children and they get more.

[B]

Workers and then wages go lower.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So, you know, keep them going. Keep condoms just for the rich.

[A]

Yeah, condoms. In 1950s and 1960s, condoms became a popular birth control method with 42% of Americans of reproductive age using them for birth control between 1955 and 65.

[B]

So that's about when we're to bring it full circle. That's when Batman, I believe the first Batman was shot. So they probably mixed it up. They probably had condom. But those guys looked like raw doggers to me. Those guys. I think Adam West. Can we do a little research on Adam West's sexual history?

[A]

Yeah, bring that up.

[B]

Adam West, I think Adam west and Burgess Meredith, they're old school guys. They're not putting on condoms unless absolutely necessary.

[A]

What do you say?

[B]

Well, look at this. Adam West. His stories of romantic conquests, including the infamous night with eight women.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Have become the. Yeah, this man.

[A]

Part of lore surrounding his life and career. While some might view West's candid revelations with a mixture of astonishment and disbelief, they also offer a glimpse into the complexities of living under the spotlight.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Wow.

[A]

Sounds baffling.

[B]

Real tough. Got the fucking suck before smartphones.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Lord knows what Adam west was up. There was no way he was.

[A]

Well, he had that bat phone, didn't he? Sure, he used. Hey, what's that?

[B]

Used it to get head.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Mayor, give me the woman with the largest tits in Gotham asap. Bring her over to my trailer. You've got it. Batman.

[A]

He just shines that bat light just across into his neighbor's apartment.

[B]

Dick. He has a bat light, but he also has a dick light whether he's horny or not. Yeah. Bam. Squish.

[A]

The crazy part was when they would, like, they had to run like this or something.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they would go up a wall. Yeah, they're pretending go up a wall and they literally just put the camera up sideways.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's pretty fun to watch it.

[A]

Yeah. We need more stuff like that, but, you know, we just need more stuff that's entertainment.

[B]

More goofy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And no, we did not have as much sex on the. I don't. Yeah.

[A]

Is there a love story? Is there a love arc in there?

[B]

There. You know, I will say there is a. There is a sex scene.

[A]

Really?

[B]

There is a sex scene. It's. And it was probably my favorite. I wrote the movie, like I said, with my friends, and so.

[A]

Of course you write in a sex scene, dude.

[B]

I used to. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I used to have acting class, and I would just, like, we'd have to do scenes and stuff, and I always bring a scene where there's, like, possible making out.

[B]

That's hilarious.

[A]

And sometimes it would just be like, two people are walking and they're in an argument, and then for no reason, they kiss or whatever.

[B]

You wrote it.

[A]

And chicks would all be like, this is crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, yeah, it is, dude.

[B]

Janet presses her tits against Mark vigorously. Like, Theo, don't put. Don't add actions, please. I just think it should be clear. Yeah, I think it should be clear. It's a vigorous tit press. Yeah, it was. I had to. I had to now.

[A]

Yes. You had a sex scene.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

First one you've ever done, like, in a film or something.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I think it was.

[A]

I mean, without hiding your phone on a cabinet across the room.

[B]

Without being like, oh, yeah, I don't know why that teddy bear is blinking red. That's weird.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna go turn it off. You just put a piece of black masking tape over it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm trying to think, because I will.

[A]

Yeah. How did it take place? Was that a nervous day?

[B]

It was weird, man. So, yeah, there is a sexy. It's. And I don't want to spoil too much, but it's a wild one. And I will say there. There was an intimacy coordinator, and that's the person I felt bad for the most, because this person's job is if you're. I had a nude scene. And so if you're nude, some lady has to put a little, like, a rubber triangle around your dick and balls.

[A]

Really? Yeah. Like one of those bibs you get at a crab joint.

[B]

It has a lobster with a fork and a knife in its claws printed on it. It is honestly not that far off from that, though. It is just like a. It's like a plastic thong, essentially.

[A]

No. And so. So you're naked that day.

[B]

Yeah, perhaps I am. Perhaps I am.

[A]

I am so nervous.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it sucked.

[A]

And it's like, you know, and the person's naked. The woman.

[B]

I won't divulge who. I'll just say I'm naked.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, that's, you know, and so I'm definitely nude. And. And one. And a woman has to tape, literally tape my dick and balls to this fucking thing. Because you want to look naked, but you don't want. If, you know, you don't want people to have to look at my dick the whole day. So, yeah, you want to put like a plastic sheet over it. But this woman's job, anytime that thing like slipped, she had to just like get in there. Just this poor lady, man.

[A]

Really?

[B]

She had to re tape my up.

[A]

And she's just like cutting edge with it, huh.

[B]

And she's. It's like the way like, you know, they would. They would tape up your ankles at a high school football game. She had the same demeanor. It was just like a grizzled, you know, you're gonna be fine. Yeah, I've seen worse.

[A]

Yeah, he's a couple Eminem.

[B]

It was tough, but wow. No, dude, I fucking.

[A]

So there's a lot of little layers in the film, huh?

[B]

Yeah, there's a lot of. A lot of, you know, anything again. Anything for a laugh. And I wanted. You might never get a chance to make a movie again. So it's like, let's. Yeah, let's leave it all out there. You know what I mean? And so.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the way there is always. I love I again. I used to love when there was over the top sex scenes in those movies we're talking about. So I was like, let's put one of those. And there's some. There's some physical. Other physical stuff. I had to run a lot, which is hilarious.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I didn't think about it. Yeah.

[A]

Any acrobatics or anything for you?

[B]

I wish. Next time, dude. Next time time I'm going to fucking spend a year learning how to do a backflip.

[A]

Or the cartwheel that never stops.

[B]

That would be sick.

[A]

Greek cartwheel.

[B]

That would be awesome.

[A]

Fucking rattle that bitch. Just eliminate the Albanians with it.

[B]

I would love that. Yeah, that's just a joke.

[A]

Albanians. That's just a joke. Albanians.

[B]

That's just a joke.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

One of my dear friends. That's the classic racist thing to say. My best friend is Albanian, which is actually true in my case. But it's like the classic.

[A]

What was that? And what was the budget of the film? What does it cost?

[B]

It was. It was 750k.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah, so it was, it started at like 200k and we did it with, I want to say, you know, Dark Sky. Dark sky films, it's like, it's a smaller production company. They've actually, they've done a lot of cool shit, a lot of cool horror movies and stuff, but lower budget stuff. And they were just fucking awesome to work with. They just saw a short that we did and they thought we were going to write like a one location because the short takes place in one place. But we were like, if you're going to let us make a movie, we're going to fucking. There's going to be wild shit in it. And so we pretty much pushed it to the amount because it's such a weird. You also learn so much about this kind of shit where it's like, if you go over.

[A]

What'd you learn? What was the number one thing you learned? You like. Well, I mean, I interrupted you. If you go over what?

[B]

No, no, like one of the things I learned is that like you can't really go over a certain budget because then everything becomes more expensive and you have to like, you have to get like more just like for, you know, union reasons. You have to get more people involved. It becomes like a harder job. Whereas like the lower budget you make a movie, they kind of allow you to. Like, a lot of people can do different jobs. You can, you know, obviously you have to follow certain rules and you can't overwork people. But there was basically like a limit where they were like, look, if you spend any more than this, we have to pay all the actors more. We have to pay everybody else more. And you know, we pretty much lost. I mean, I lost money.

[A]

So you put some of your money in.

[B]

No, but like, just not working. I took. I like, oh yeah, I like, yeah, you know what I mean?

[A]

And it was your time cost.

[B]

Yeah, totally, totally. And like. And I'll probably lose money just like traveling to promote it and stuff like that. But again, who gives a fuck? It's about making cool shit. And it's like, I'm not. Let's starting for money. And so. But yeah, you just learn a bunch of, you know, and you also think like, you think a movie is going to be like this fucking actors fucking talking about each scene and like that. They're like, dude, we have 12 minutes to get this. And oh, it's actually the most crucial scene in the movie. Well, yeah, good luck.

[A]

And this dog has to be asleep in, in a half hour. You're like, what?

[B]

We're putting the dog down? Yeah, we're putting the dog down. Unless you nail this scene. I'm like, huh? Yeah, it's just cheaper to put him down. Union rules. I don't know, bro. Either nail the scene or the shih Tzu gets it. I didn't want to kill a dog.

[A]

And you shouldn't have fucked with the teamsters. Do you think you'd be able to make your money back?

[B]

I think so. We did pretty well, you know, we didn't do crazy. We had a. We had a release in theaters. Just because. I just think it's important to see.

[A]

No, like. Well, this is. That's what's amazing about it. It's this, you know, like, we had Kevin Smith on, and he's done this, you know, but now it's certainly that There are creators that have their own world and they want to make a film sometimes, you know, like, me and Spade wrote a movie, and we have a chance to do it right, and so we're finally going to do it. It just took forever to get it together. And, like, nobody in Hollywood wants to finance or anything, but it's cool to see people just making their own stuff. And so, yeah, dude, that's why I called you even last week, and I was like, hey, tell me about this. I just want to know because it's just brave. You're trying something.

[B]

Thanks, man.

[A]

Yeah, and it's. And it's. Yeah. What you want to do. Nobody can kind of tell you what's supposed to be on the script.

[B]

The only limitation was budget. And for me, I think that's so much. That's so much cooler. And you get to actually be an artist about it. Not to fucking suck my own dick. It's a movie about, you know, a fat guy and my. You see my nuts in it. It's not like I'm fucking again. We're not making you see both your.

[A]

Nuts in the movie.

[B]

I will also mention this. They didn't let me show my real nuts, which is a big problem for me.

[A]

Well, how much?

[B]

Because the nuts looked little, and I have pretty nice nuts.

[A]

Foundation.

[B]

I have a nice foundation. Truly, the dick. The dick is more of an ornamental piece.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's like the little star at the top.

[A]

The dick is the nose. The lung.

[B]

The dick is the nose.

[A]

The nuts are the lungs.

[B]

Absolutely. They go deep. Oh, they go deep. They go deep and they're full. Deep breath.

[A]

Let's just say lungs of the heavens.

[B]

Yeah. I got Michael Phelps's lungs. Nice capacity on those lungs. Nose. Not so much. Cute little button nose.

[A]

Michael. Yeah. Michael. Yeah. Dude. More of a. Yeah, it's nothing. A snowman.

[B]

No, it's not a Michael Imperioli nose. It's.

[A]

It's very. Yeah, it's almost like a burn victim. No.

[B]

Yeah, right, right, right, right again. Yeah. You know, shaved off. They've made it out of a little ankle bone. They took a little ankle bone. They're like, we'll do our best. Yeah, it's kind of a Voldemort situation. Kind of more cat's nose.

[A]

I've got a penis like a cat's nose. You know, it's cold and wet. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I guess this kind of cold, wet.

[A]

It stays up all night.

[B]

Stays up all night. Yeah, yeah, It'll. It'll bother you. It'll bother you all night. It'll.

[A]

Yeah, it'll. And bat your eyes out of your face while you're resting.

[B]

It'll keep nudging you until you give it a little attention.

[A]

It'll be to jingle bell to death on your Christmas tree. Wow.

[B]

But. Yeah, but I didn't get to show my real nuts, which is a prop. But again, these are the artistic sacrifices we have to make sometimes to get our movie.

[A]

No. 1 Prop 24, whatever.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[A]

Yeah. But that is crazy. And there's. Michael Phelps has small nuts. You cannot sw. Nuts are the.

[B]

He's got a nice pair. He's a large guy. He's a huge guy, though.

[A]

Nuts are the.

[B]

They show. Okay.

[A]

You have big back tires on a swimmer.

[B]

I think he's got a nice pair. Dude.

[A]

No, he doesn't. Look at this.

[B]

No, I will not. I bet you he's tucked them underneath his ass.

[A]

You have to almost tie them in your ass.

[B]

There is. There is. Okay. There is a image. I believe they tried like, wow, look at that. He's fucking jacked. He's probably got a. I mean, he's a big dude. He's got a nice pair. Now, I would say probably, you know, size to size, pound for pound, I think I have pretty nice nuts.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And not weight. I'm talking about frame. Okay. We're not going to go. We're talking about what my body should be on the. On the. Because nuts, that's a big disadvantage for the fat man. Titties get bigger the fatter you get. Dick and balls stay the same size.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Absolutely. Dick. My dick got plumper the fatter I got.

[A]

That's beautiful this time of year.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. The leaves change the dicks the nuts are getting plumper with every slice of pumpkin pie. Every helping of squash, your dick gets a little bigger. No, you think how bigger the fatter you are. I would be £800. You would have like feeders trying to get dicks as big as possible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which doesn't happen. So.

[A]

But yeah, I think you want those smaller nuts. You want less drag. If you're a swimmer, that's the thing you want.

[B]

I think you're right.

[A]

Jones Juniors. You know, dude, why don't they have Roy Jones Junior Mints?

[B]

That's a great idea. Roy Jones Junior.

[A]

Kidding. Anymore?

[B]

Yep. They'll knock out bad breath. Yeah, done and done, dude.

[A]

Yeah, something chocolatey that knocks out bad breath.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. Just a hint of chocolate.

[A]

Oh, well. So that movie is out now. People can go check it out.

[B]

Yeah, please go see, Please, please go see it.

[A]

Congratulations, man.

[B]

Thank you, dude. And yeah, I think it's, you know, so it's cool to support. You know, it's obviously my movie. I, I believe it. I believe in it a lot. But it's like anytime creative people that you like make outside of a system, I think it's kind of important to go support that.

[A]

Yeah, well, it's kind of like a new realm, you know. And also some movies that are billion dollar movies are horrible. There was one Ryan Gosling with and my mom and I went and saw was horrible. Yeah, I went and saw something the other night. It was a chance in time or something. Can you look it up for me? We live in time. There you go.

[B]

Well, here's what I don't bad that looks. I like those actors.

[A]

It was sweet, it was cute. But every shot was so close on their faces. After a while you're like, where's all the money they spent on set? Who? You can't even see the set. So what starts to happen for me, I notice in movies is they shoot things so tight nowadays. Right. Like it's just this.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Right.

[A]

And your brain, there's no like your imagination. If there's more going on. Your imagination has to process things on the screen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So your imagination is interested in what's going on. But if there's nothing to even really think about. It's so dumbed down. Everything is this tight. You're not, you're just kind of like. You just start to lose interest because I think there's a part of you that's not working, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like when they shoot comedies now, it's like they shoot Everything so tight. And it's just about. You don't get. You don't see people's body language stuff. They just. I feel like they miss out on a lot of things just because they think we need it to be so simple.

[B]

Yeah, well, I think that is another thing that I learned about movies, which I didn't think about at all, is that it is such a visual. You think it's about the writing. You think it's about your jokes. And especially being a comic, you're like, it's all about the writing. It's all about the jokes. And you don't think about, like, it's a visual medium. It's like a bunch of interesting pictures strung together, ultimately, is what it is. And it was interesting to like, like, talk to our cinematographer and a scene that I thought was, like, pretty straightforward. Just two people talking, kind of what you're describing, just faces. He's like, nah, let's fucking play it. Why don't you guys lean on the car? Why don't we make it a little more interesting? And like, that was a fucking sick part of it to like.

[A]

Yeah, I.

[B]

Because you don't think about that. I just think about the jokes and I just think about my words getting laughs. And then it's cool to watch a movie and be like, oh, you just do something with your face and that's a laugh. And you just fucking. You run funny and that's a laugh. You know what I mean? And it's like, that was a cool thing. Again, I love comedy so much, and I'm just trying to figure out every way to be funny. And I think, like, yeah, what you're saying of, like, making it interesting, having the visuals being really interesting, that's a huge. A huge. Again, it's a cool learning experience. And that's what I. I don't know if you feel this way, but it's like, that's the nice thing about. Oh, yeah, about, like, learning new is just how can we be funny? And, like, the. The time I felt the most engaged in my life was like, when I was an open mic or learning how to do comedy. And it's cool to get the chance to make a movie and, like, feel like, I don't know dick. I'm a dumb as shit. Like, let's figure out how to. How to make all this stuff.

[A]

Yeah, I'm a recovering Greek.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I'm fucking. I'll never kick that. I had fucking. I had a yido yesterday, bro. Yesterday, dude. I'll Never.

[A]

Sorry, man. I thought you had some time under your belt.

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

You know, I've. Sometime I put on them nighttime underpants. You know what I'm talking about? Because who sleeps naked, baby? A criminal, that's who. Not I. Tommy Johns. That's what I'm wearing. I like Tommy Johns. I like them, the male negligees they got for you, them underpants, because they smooth. You can feel them. And they feel good. God, you can't even believe you're feeling yourself when you got them. TJ's on, baby. Them time agents. God, they feel so good. I want them on right now. I'll put them all over myself. What I love about him is the waistband isn't super tight on them. Some underpants, you get them, the waistband so tight. So I have one sip of water and then I gotta go pee pee. I don't like doing that. Tommy John lets you feel comfortable and casual inside of your own skin. Exclusively for our listeners. You can shop Tommy John's amazing Black Friday sale early right now. Save 30% off site wide only at tommyjohn.com theo with code THEO. That's 30% off for a limited time. Excuse me, that's 30 off for a limited time at tommyjohn.com T H E O with code THEO. See site for details. They say first impressions are important. What about lasting impressions? That's where Blue Chew comes in. Boy, snack your way to that wiener, baby. Blue Chew helps men have longer lasting and stronger erections so you can perform at your very best. Don't you want to have that baby cane on you? You feel me? Blue Chew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Cialis, Levitra and Viagra. And those aren't urban women's names. Those are other medicines. Does it work? I didn't even say that my wiener did. Bluechew wants you to have the confidence to perform at your best. So discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try BlueChew free when you use our promo code THEO at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's B L U E C H E W.com promo code THEO to receive your first month free. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. Let's you. Also, you have an annual calendar due, which is pretty crazy.

[B]

And is that.

[A]

Is that coming out?

[B]

That's out now. Yeah, that's out now. Yes. The 2025. It's all. You can already buy it. The 20. 25.

[A]

Look at the calf on this guy.

[B]

You like that, dude?

[A]

Look at the.

[B]

It's popping.

[A]

Kettlebell. You're hot.

[B]

It's popping, brother. Yeah.

[A]

Wow. You got that Rogan head down there.

[B]

Nuts and calves. That's all I got. Oh, fat nuts and calves and you know. Oh, you know.

[A]

And is this real?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I'm on fucking Mount Everest right there. That's me. That's some beautiful. Some of it's real. Some of it is the work of my. My brilliant producer, Benjamin Butt Cheeks. Benny butt cheeks. Ben O'Brien, who also directed my special. He helps me with the calendar as well. Square timber, of course.

[A]

The get heads be that too, right there. Wow.

[B]

Now if you zoom in on those, there' Lot of fun. Lot of fun things to see.

[A]

Right. The set. Right. It adds to it.

[B]

Moby, do you less jizzerables. Wow.

[A]

Oh, the different books on the bookshelf. A lot of Easter eggs in here.

[B]

A lot of Easter eggs. A lot of Easter eggs. And then there we have Halloween right there.

[A]

Oh, yeah. And this is very Chelsea Lynn, you got. She has a calendar as well.

[B]

I. Yes, I saw that she had that. I've been. I. I've been doing a nude. This was the first thing that was successful in my career before I had anything going on. I sold a nude calendar when I was like, basically a feature. I was hoping for Bobby Kelly. And dude, this was the first thing that ever made me money. I've been doing a calendar for. Legitimately probably I think, nine years.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And I used to print.

[B]

I used to print them myself. I used to sell them out of my fucking Honda Civic. And now it's like. And now it makes a shit ton of money. But I would make like a couple. Like, back in the day, I would make a couple thousand bucks. And I was like, like, I'm rich, dude.

[A]

And the. The headliner starts to hate you, dude. He tells you that was always a thing. The headliner and the feature. Selling stuff.

[B]

Well, that's why. I mean, Bobby was the man and he. He knew me and I was like, then. And he was cool with it. And I also would just, like, I would just sell it on Instagram and like, mail it personally to people.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

Like, I had no. Just like sell out of the back of my trunk at like, I would be headlining Shitty. You know, like a restaurant in Frederick, Maryland.

[A]

Oh, it just be 12 Polaroids or whatever. And you just wrote a different month on each one you're like, but what if you only had 11 Polaroids? You just like January, February, spring, June, July, August. Do you ever audition other men to be in it? Because I was wondering if there should be more. I mean you do a great job. Right.

[B]

Thank you, thank you.

[A]

But would there ever be the possibility to creating a something around the idea of getting other men in there?

[B]

Interesting. A diversity of body types. Yeah, I don't know. I've never considered. I, I did think at one point to get to make it like a collaborative calendar where every month there's like a, a guest that's a different type of person. You know like maybe men, maybe women. Some non binary. Just some different body types.

[A]

Sagittarius. Whatever, dude.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, get them all.

[A]

Barbecue lovers, whatever.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So yeah, sure. Some centaurs, some.

[A]

Oh yes. Half short legs.

[B]

Yep, yep.

[A]

Long life.

[B]

That is true. The taller you are, the quicker you die.

[A]

Is it? That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Timber. Yeah. Short people live longer.

[A]

Bring them.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Enjoy all that. Six. Six guys.

[A]

Yeah, that's nice, dude.

[B]

Now I'm not going to go into the obesity metrics right now. We're just going to keep it, we're just going to keep it just on height.

[A]

Ye.

[B]

I'm gonna take my wins where I can get them, brother.

[A]

This ain't about me, dude.

[B]

This is not about me.

[A]

Some people say fat, some people say foundational, right? Yeah.

[B]

A good foundation. You're not knocking me over in the wind.

[A]

It would be cool if you got guys on there just get like you can get a lot of union workers.

[B]

Sure, I would love to get. Yeah, you're right. I should get.

[A]

Lay them down. Put some grapes on their chest.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, dude.

[A]

Grapes Will. And that'll, that'll Greek out any union work worker.

[B]

Sure. I think they're close. I think you show them a little, you know, any. The most hard edged union worker, you show them a little bit of the forbidden fruit of what it can be like to be, to be a fat, you know, just you. They would trade in a heartbeat.

[A]

Rubinesque cement.

[B]

Absolutely. That's what we should, that's what we should figure out here. We should set up a situation where it's like, look, we got DMs coming in.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're not going to be able to fuck everybody who wants to fuck us. We don't want to fuck. Everybody wants to fuck us. Right?

[A]

What do you mean? What are you saying?

[B]

I'm saying both of us. I feel like have I'M sure you're. I don't check my DMs too much.

[A]

DMs coming in saying, I'm saying, oh, say there's women you can.

[B]

Young ladies that want to, you know, are attracted to a stage. Older ladies across the board. We're not going to fuck all of them. We should be able to find in my case, Rubinesque, you know, union workers. In your case, I don't, you know, I don't know exactly. No guys that run rehabs or, you know.

[A]

I've been offered a couple free 30 day stays, I'll tell you that.

[B]

But you know, little mullet guys, you know what I mean? Theo style, gentlemen.

[A]

Yeah. Neighbors of farmers.

[B]

Neighbors. Yeah, they don't do any farming themselves, but they got the same zip code. They got farmland zip code, but they don't own a tractor.

[A]

But they'll sit on their porch and look at, at the other guy's place and be like, oh, look at these soil f over there. You know, so, yeah, there's.

[B]

Yeah, you should be able to, to hand them off.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Some of the dms. That's all I'm saying. I think that would be a nice thing to do.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Like donate a DM to someone.

[B]

Donate a dm. Almost like create love connections, you know.

[A]

Oh, I would love to see a dating site if you would put one together.

[B]

I'd love to do that. I'd love to host a dating show, actually. That would be awesome.

[A]

You'd be so good at it. That could be maybe your next movie. You host a dating show and then you find love somehow.

[B]

I love that little romantic comedy.

[A]

Yeah. I remember you saying one time about like, one of the reasons that you got into comedy was for dating.

[B]

Right. A lot of guys, surely. Without question.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I think.

[A]

And is that still a good reason? Do you feel like, like, what's that evolved? Like a little bit, you know, or to get laid, like, does that work? You know? And what's the dangers also of having sex in some places, some regions of the country?

[B]

The regional dangers of coitus.

[A]

Yeah. I'm just. If you're ever in the bus belt, you know.

[B]

Well, you can't let it fly like Adam west used to.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I'm definitely using condoms. I'll put it that way, I guess. The dangers of the bus. You don't want to get stuck in the bus belt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can make, you can have a nice visit, but you don't want to be a father that has to check in court. Ordered once a month at the bus belt. That's the biggest danger, especially if it's.

[A]

A layover to get to your child. How many children lose out on a father because there's a Layover?

[B]

Right. Because JetBlue doesn't want to fly direct to Akron.

[A]

Oh, dude. And we just used Akron in a joke last week. Crazy that you did as well. Because we did.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were there at the same. That was. That's why I thought of it. That was fun. As fun.

[A]

But. Yeah. What are the side effects now as you see that? You've been out in the. You know, You've been out in the world over there. You know, Glazing.

[B]

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

[A]

You know, glazing. The, you know, different literal glazing, not.

[B]

The metaphorical, like sort of pumping somebody up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You mean actually glazing.

[A]

Yeah, just. Yeah. Or, you know, whatever they call it.

[B]

Letting it fly.

[A]

Yeah. Filling the man, you know, doing the manicotti or whatever. Yeah.

[B]

Filling the manicotti up.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You've been more.

[B]

Creaming the canoli.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Absolutely. I got you, brother.

[A]

But. Yeah. What is it? What does it look like over time? Do you feel like. Oh, because that gets.

[B]

Not good. Not good at all. I mean, that's. That's something I'm facing kind of. I don't know if it's head on. I don't know if I. It's one of those things. There's a couple things remaining in my life that I feel like I need to conquer, and that's long term health. Like I have. I took a lot of time off and I lost some weight this year. I lost like 45 pounds. But in the month that I've been shooting tires, promoting the movie, doing Stand Up Again, fucking, I've gained 10 pounds, you know.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you look more organized. Your body does.

[B]

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a. It was a mess before. It was like when you go. Remember when you just. That show where they would open up random storage units.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's kind of what my body was like. You never knew. Once the shirt comes off, you don't know what you're gonna get. You know what I mean? There is a little more. Now you open up a storage unit, at least it's got some rusty shelves that all the. All the. All the stuff is in. In little boxes.

[A]

Curiosity.

[B]

It's a cabinet of curiosity. There's a little something, you know, I've been working out and so I still am lifting weights and stuff. And I feel better. I literally city biked over here from. From Queens. Yeah.

[A]

Cuz you're a little wet when you got here.

[B]

I had a sweat. I was. I was fucking city biking, listening to Sexy Red, you know, the insects that. We trust a lot of bangers on that. Nothing like listening to bad bitches when you're working out, in my experience, because it puts me in that. In that headspace, you know.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Of that, like, you know, there's something a little more. There's something a little more, you know. Sure.

[A]

I love, I love.

[B]

She's back. Honestly, the one about the. The gentleman being outside, I don't remember which. I don't remember which one it is. It's sort of like, you know, an anthem for the gals to get ready. Maybe it's outside. Yeah, it's basically a song about, hey, gals, you know, look real hot. There's a bunch of sexy gentlemen outside. And even though I don't want to, the guys. Yeah, I could gender flip that and be like, fellas, yeah. There's whores to be gotten. Let's put on our nice shirt. Let's get out there.

[A]

There's opportunity.

[B]

There's opportunity to be gotten.

[A]

Yeah. Because I'll go in the bathroom sometimes at a bar and there'll be guys in there and I'll yell like, piss and get back out there.

[B]

Yeah, boys. Yeah. Come on. You've been shut. You've been shut down three times in a row, actually. Maybe go home. And now that I think of it, you're kind of fucking the vibes up. I just thought about it for a second. Please leave. Both the ratio and the vibes are being fucked up by you.

[A]

I'm more like a. Like a you pissies. S. Grant. When I'm in there, I'll just start.

[B]

You rally the boys.

[A]

Yeah. Get back out there. What do you mean? What do you mean you're coked up, you little queer?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean there's no way your dick works?

[A]

Remember, people used to slap people like that.

[B]

That. I really want to do that once in my life.

[A]

Three Stooges. You could be in one of the Three Stooges.

[B]

Absolutely. I would love to. I would love to do some physical comedy, but I would also love to bring one of my friends to his senses when he's having a psychotic break with a nice get yourself together, man. That would feel awesome.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Get yourself together, man. The markets are closed.

[B]

Yeah. And that's all it used to take.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You didn't have to send someone to a fucking mental institution.

[A]

You slapped them once in a public street.

[B]

Simpler times, different times. Did he go home and hit his wife? Not deal with any of the mental issues? Probably. We can't say.

[A]

We don't know.

[B]

Maybe it is better again. On second thought, there wasn't a lot.

[A]

Of accurate reporting back then.

[B]

We don't know the numbers.

[A]

Do you. What was that like? Taking a year. You took a year off stand up?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was it a year?

[B]

It was about six months. But yeah. I didn't tour from February until I had like one date.

[A]

But you still practice or.

[B]

No, no, I was. I didn't. I didn't do any stand up. And it was. It was. The thing that sucks is it was awesome. Like, I felt peaceful.

[A]

I didn't have to travel every week, being unemployed.

[B]

Yeah, it was. Oh yeah, exactly. It felt like that I would. I would go on long walks. I would go to. I would go to like fucking the supermarket and just see what was on. It's like, what's on special today? I had like.

[A]

I've never heard somebody say I go on long walks. Yeah, through the Super.

[B]

To the supermarket.

[A]

To the supermarket.

[B]

Not through.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

I'm like, here's this guy who's fucking. I'm pulling up to a fucking Safeway and hitting. I'm hitting all the aisles at the grocery store.

[A]

Oh, what do you mean? There's not a mile marker by the graham crackers?

[B]

The way they have old people walk through malls. They have fat people walk through grocery stores. Like, come on. These are your favorite things, little buddy. You pass the ice cream eight times, you get a lick, you get a fucking thing. A whole halo top. No, I would fucking walk by the water. And I was in Baltimore. I would take long ass walks. I would buy one piece of meat, grill it up, eat it with some veggies. It was a beautiful, beautiful, simple life. But I also love. That's the other thing is like. And I did stand up. I was like, damn, this is awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I think the lesson is to not do three things at once.

[A]

It's a lot.

[B]

So I think like next year when I tour, I'm not doing anything else. Like right now I made the mistake of going from nothing to tires, the movie coming out, my back to my stand up, back to my podcast. I'm also. I have a tour that I'm announcing. I think actually probably if it comes out next week, it'll be then. But the Dreamboat tour. I'm doing a big all across, like on the water. I. Yeah, that would be fucking sick. I should have done that. I should have chartered a sailboat. But no, it's more of a metaphor. Metaphorically. The Dreamboat tour.

[A]

You imagine fucking chartering a sailboat to go to your shows.

[B]

I would be like, where is.

[A]

I was like, he's on the horn. He's on the.

[B]

Yeah, the. The Horn of Africa. The horn of. Yeah, he got caught. The gales. The gales of November came early and caught him. He's marooned off. Off Vancouver island.

[A]

Off the Se. Yeah. He only sold 40 tickets. Near the Suz Canal. He's still got to go down.

[B]

He still got to go. He still got to go.

[A]

Are the Greeks the blacks of Are. Some people say. Some people say the. That the Greeks are the blacks of Europe.

[B]

Who are these people exactly?

[A]

Bring up someone, bring up Google. Say that all the time. I'm serious, man.

[B]

I love it, bro.

[A]

You'll be wandering past an olive shop and you'll hear the door will open and you'll hear some.

[B]

Are you talking about your internal monologue, Theo? Are you talking about every time you see a Greek person? That's what you think?

[A]

I'm just saying there is a lot of people call them black olives.

[B]

That's all I'm saying.

[A]

There's a lot of conversation about black olives.

[B]

Sure, sure. Hey, I'll take that with pride. Black people are the cool. They're the culture.

[A]

They make things cool.

[B]

They're the culture drivers of America, without question.

[A]

Filters.

[B]

In some ways, I guess that's, you know, maybe ancient Greece. What's democracy if not the original hip hop?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? How everything filtered out from that kind of, you know, the same way.

[A]

Love it when you call me Big Socrates.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The same way music's been taking from black people forever. Everyone's kind of been taking our shit between philosophy and democracy from every accuser. Pompeo Pompeii, I believe was. Was that the Roman Empire?

[A]

Don't be a hater.

[B]

Fuck Rome. They took our whole shit in Greece.

[A]

So don't kill our.

[B]

That Louisiana public school system. Cheaper globes, cheaper clubs from 18, 20, 30 countries. They mash Europe together. Yeah.

[A]

So no comment on that, huh?

[B]

I say I'll take that. Like I said, you know, I had a joke in my special where if you think of it really, I think Greeks are probably the most light skinned Arabs is really what we have. More cultural. We're pretty similar people, you know what I mean? Like loud, kind of flashy, you Know what I mean? But I think people, British people, loved England or England loved ancient Greece so much that they were like, we gotta make them white. Because then white people were. You know what I mean? Like ancient Greece was white. When in reality, I think we're probably light skinned Arabs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Very loud, you know, touchy feely, you know what I mean? Like it just, it's the same vibe. The gold jewel, you know I'm wearing jewels.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Something. Yeah, for sure.

[B]

Very. Yeah. Warm, intense people. We're not, we're less, you know.

[A]

I feel like grape.

[B]

What's that? Like grapes?

[A]

Grapes is a very Middle Eastern food.

[B]

We'll take grapes, we'll take grapes, dates, all that type of. Oh, yeah, a date's nice. And me personally, I like, like, I like that kind of, that kind of. That style of woman as well. Nice curly hair, big nose type of situation.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anywhere from like, you know, you go Spain to the Middle east kind of.

[A]

I met a beautiful Greek girl one time in Florida.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And I popped a couple wiener pills or something. This is early when the gas stations just happened.

[B]

Sure, sure, sure. What are we talking about? Street Overlord Rhino.

[A]

This was before Rhino.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

This was like. I think these were healthy dose or something. Or the last Captain, I think was called. It was like these were hopeful ones, you know.

[B]

Love it, love it, love it.

[A]

And I remember I took a couple of them, dude. And then I was like trying to make out this girl and my nose started bleeding right onto her chest, dude.

[B]

Oh, oh, what a shame. That could have been your wife, dude.

[A]

She was so cool too. She's talking about a curly haired woman, dude.

[B]

I agree. I actually. My favorite.

[A]

Yeah. You know they're crazy if their hair had to come out like that.

[B]

You know, you would have been a great 17th century doctor. She's. Well, you can tell she's suffering from bouts of insanity. Look at her hair. Look at the wave in her hair.

[A]

My God, look at the print out here. This is. She's lying.

[B]

Look how far apart her eyes are. That's a space for deceit. That's the deceit zone right here.

[A]

Because she's just polish. Let's calm down. But they, look at, they. It's like the. Your. A lie detector test or whatever.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What else is going.

[B]

Wow, the boner pills, huh?

[A]

Bro, I took most of my life because I just had so much anxiety.

[B]

Oh, dude, believe me. Say I'm lucky that I only caught the tail end of the. Of the gas station areas are Horrible. Now, you can get them online pretty easily. But I also want in the in between. One time I convinced. I had an old Italian doctor, and I convinced him I had some other. I read that, like, if you have some kind of prostate issue, you can also take Cialis to, like, relieve that. I just kind of read it as, like, I was doing my research.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

And I was like, dude, I think my prostate's up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, My prostate's acting up.

[A]

Picking up radio stations.

[B]

Yeah. And he was like, like. And he had to put his finger on my ass. And he realized the prostate was fine. But then he was like, okay, I give you the cap. He knew what I wanted, which is also like, why, Jeff. To put your finger up my ass. But I guess he just was hoping I was onto something. And then he was like, listen, I give you this in no more. But he was like. He knew I was just. I was like 20.

[A]

He had short fingers. Wide fingers, though. Like, come on.

[B]

He was fucking awesome. And he just gave me a couple dick pills. And, dude, those were like. That was my holy grail. I had, like, a sample pack.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Of Cialis and I fucking.

[A]

Oh. So when that. Yeah, when those sample Cialis and stuff hit the streets, they were breaking people's windows to get those. Dude. I went. When I first went to college, I went and lived with my buddy's dad. He had a Viagra prescription, Right. He lived in a one bedroom apartment where the.

[B]

Were you living?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

And we would take turns, like, sleeping on the couch of the bed. Right. And so.

[B]

And there was you and his dad.

[A]

And the reason I did was because he got a boner pill subscriptions. Right.

[B]

So you could.

[A]

So I could siphon a little.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But he only got, like, eight of them. And I'm like, it's so hard to steal off.

[B]

Steal out of eighth is you can.

[A]

Kind of like the third day, you can pull one, you're like, oh, he got drunk, he took two. Yeah, no, but then you have to cut one directly in half. Like, well, how did one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just get. Get just taken in half.

[B]

Yeah, you got to take it in half. You got to make that last.

[A]

Oh, yeah. And then.

[B]

But that's a fun. That's a fun kind of Passover parable. It was horrible making the one dick pill last.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

12 days. Just nibbling on it just a little bit.

[A]

One can of oil, and we made it last for 64 days.

[B]

Yeah. One dick pill, 100 milligram Viagra. We made it last for 12 weeks. And we each took one lick of it. Me and my friend's dad.

[A]

Shabbat shalom.

[B]

How long? Yep. How long were you living with your friend's father?

[A]

Six months. One semester at school. God.

[B]

How are your grades that semester?

[A]

Here was the crazy part. We had a wall. There was like a half wall. There wasn't. It was a loft. The bedroom was a loft. And there was a living room room. It was a nice building. They did have a pool at the building. That was pretty cool.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I was learning to play guitar at the time. And so I would go in there. He'd have some. Every now and then he'd have a chick stay over and I'd go in there and play. Teasing.

[B]

The song about Eric Clapton's son dying.

[A]

Is that what it's about?

[B]

Yeah, that's the song you would play while the guy was getting. It's about his son falling out of a window. What? Yeah.

[A]

No way. How old was his son? Was he in the military?

[B]

No, he was like a little ass kid. Dude. It's a tragic song. Oh, dude. Sorry.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Eric.

[A]

Puppet's alive.

[B]

He's alive. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

So your friend's dad who's giving you shelter is getting pussy with one of his eight Viagras. And he has to battle that Viagra's up against that old man's led. And the saddest song. One of the saddest songs of the 90s. A poor rendition, by the way. There's no way you were good at it. You're butchering it. And it's sad as bink bink. Oh, sorry, sorry. Bink, bink, bink, dink, bong. Oh, so my bad.

[A]

Would.

[B]

You know.

[A]

But I would go in there and one time after a couple, they would request me to come back.

[B]

Wow. You were the fucking. You were the music for them fucking.

[A]

Well, they're usually post coital.

[B]

That would bring me in.

[A]

And I also then eventually played Every Rose Has Its Thorn. I rock that form a little bit. And I did eventually. A Widespread panic.

[B]

Okay, nice. Yeah, that's good, man. So that was the three songs.

[A]

Yeah. Rattle that. A very poor rendition. A lot of hand beating on the.

[B]

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try and dress it up. You can barely play guitar.

[A]

Nibbling on a Viagra to keep me going.

[B]

Yeah. Like a mouse with a little piece of cheese.

[A]

And that dude was hammering. Dude. And I would. And I was having so much sexual issues. And he'd be in there just. I almost Have Jason to send him in there. Yeah, just go up the hill, man.

[B]

Come on. Climb up his bunk bed. Climb up the top bunk.

[A]

Turn around.

[B]

That's a very interesting living room. Like, it was Roommate Dynamic.

[A]

And we had an Eclipse. His son had an Eclipse. Because this dude was struggling. His son had Eclipse. Yeah. Mitsubishi Eclipse. But it wouldn't turn off, Right. You couldn't turn it off.

[B]

So you had to just siphon gas.

[A]

No, you just have to keep putting gas. So we keep. Like, we have one. Hold on.

[B]

It never turned off.

[A]

You couldn't. You could, but you'd have to. It was so hard to get back on. So we would just. We keep, like, extra cans of gas at the parking space. We had an underground parking space. Yeah, that was it. But it was a green one.

[B]

That's a nice car, man. I remember the green one.

[A]

And it had good rims on it, too. I don't know if they have that. Oh, not that green. That is very.

[B]

More of a sea foam.

[A]

Yeah. I would go with that one to the right of the. Of the horizontal one of the vertical one. Left, left, Right there.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Something like that. Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. Not as nice as that, but.

[B]

Yeah, we get the idea.

[A]

Yeah. But that. We would keep a couple cans of gas because it got great mileage. You can keep it going, the mileages.

[B]

If you have to keep the gas just to keep it running.

[A]

I would drive that over to. I went to Loyola University. I'd drive that in. There's one in New Orleans. And since you kept it running, people didn't. You could park in a weird spot and be like, oh, the guy's just coming and going.

[B]

And how long would it be there? Idling.

[A]

Two hours. I'd be in class. I'd be in class, dude. But it was kind of nice, right? When you got to. It got right in.

[B]

You don't have the. That hassle of doing this, turning your forefinger one inch.

[A]

But it was a flex to the lady. Like, damn, that guy's a chauffeur.

[B]

Keep it running. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like, it's him.

[B]

It's you from the past. But that's my chauffeur.

[A]

Chauffeur. Sorry, guys. My rides here.

[B]

My rides here. No one stole it, huh? No, they respected the Eclipse, I guess.

[A]

I mean, sometimes I would put the plasters on. I think it's like, there's a lot of reverse psychology there, you know, It's a lot of General Sherman hiding in plain sight. Yeah. Very much of the Ungonquin. How they Behave.

[B]

I love the idea. And how old was that guy at the time? Is that depressing to think about?

[A]

52.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Handsome. Pretty good at tennis.

[B]

Handsome.

[A]

He could wear short shorts.

[B]

Love that. That.

[A]

He's a foundational guy.

[B]

Foundation plus size guy.

[A]

Middle size.

[B]

Middle side, mid size.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Love that. I see.

[A]

I love to drink. He's a vodka orange juice guy in the morning, even. Morning drinker.

[B]

And I guess a divorced man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If he was hammering, I'd live with.

[A]

His family before that.

[B]

Well, through the divorce.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then he got you in the divorce. He's like, how the did I end up with my son's adult friend in the divorce? This bitch got the house. I got Theo playing fucking Tears of Heaven while I'm trying to get Keep a Heart on.

[A]

And meanwhile, you can barely hear the song because there's a Mitsubishi Eclipse idling.

[B]

The fumes are coming up through the underground garage. You have fucking poison. You have CO2 poisoning.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Dude, that's awesome.

[A]

That's crazy. Dude.

[B]

Was that your weirdest?

[A]

That was probably one of my craziest living situation. But I always lived for cheap, man. I slept in my own. My buddy's bed for probably seven months out in Florida in. In Los Angeles. When I first got out there, I lived in this little cupboard that was in a living room. They had like two cupboard doors, and it was like four, three feet high. Okay, four feet wide.

[B]

Just the bed.

[A]

No, there was no bed in there. It was just a floor. Right. But it was long and it was like probably 8ft deep. So it's perfect. I'm going to bed. Boom. Get in there like a bird, little bird house or whatever.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And sometimes I come out right on the hour, you know, But I was always sharing. Dude. I slept on my Buddy's floor for 150 in college in a sleeping bag. And I'd yell at him, complain about, yeah, yeah, yeah, but he needed the money.

[B]

That's so funny. I did the same. I. I similarly, I convinced my friends to give me a shitty room in their house in Baltimore. I live for 300 bucks. Oh, yeah. A month. I had a room. They were just like. I was literally living on the. My. My go to meal was beans and eggs.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

On one, I would bake them and put them on one sheet. And that way I could just use the sheet as my plate. I wouldn't have to do dishes. I just. After I'm done eating the beans and.

[A]

Eggs into the washing machine.

[B]

Directly into the washing machine with the condoms from the 18th century.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hang it off the clothesline.

[A]

Don't mind if I please hang them. Let the neighbors see that we're fully operational over here.

[B]

No, no. 1/8th of a Viagra needed.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Better help when there's when your mental health is unsure, you know what it's like. Ever been driving a car and one of the tires is shaken? Well, sometimes that kind of stuff is happening in your brain or in your emotions or in your attitude. Just notice when you got that when you got a bad wheel on on your on your carriage baby, on your brain carriage when you got that baby wheel on there and that thing shaking, buddy. Rattling leaves your whole brain a rattle. And if you're. If your brain or your feelings or how you're operating in your world are uncomfortable or they're not keeping your ride smooth, well, better help can help. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.comtheo today to get 10% off your first month. That's better. H E L P betterhelp.com the There are some things in life that are okay to be a total crapshoot. Like trying a new type of milk in your coffee or maybe trying a pasta sauce that you're not familiar with. But finding the right doctor shouldn't be a total crapshoot. And with Zoc Doc, it's not. Because you've got more options than you know. Zoc Doc. That's what I want to tell you about. It's a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health to dental health, eye care to skin care, and much more. Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. Hooray. Zocdoc. I hate waiting for appointments man. And I've used Zocdoc and it's helpful. So you should stop putting off your doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com T H E O to find and instantly book a top rated doctor Today. That's zocdoc. What did I see in the news? Oh, I saw. Did you see that Mark Wahlberg restaurant, Wahlburgers. It burned down though. He had a new restaurant, a fancy one. Let me see. Mark Wahlberg's new restaurant in Las Vegas burns down opening day. Wow. Mark Wahlberg was excited about today because he's supposed to open up his new restaurant, Fletcher Cantina.

[B]

Fletcher went up in flames just hours ago.

[A]

Check this out. This is town square and it's obviously fully involved with fire here. And we have gotten a ton of emails to this station inviting the cameras out because Mark Wahlberg was going to be there around 4:30.

[B]

Oh, no. You can see the flames inside.

[A]

They were going to get the oversized scissors out and welcome everyone in for the grand opening.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

So obviously that's not the defrauded.

[B]

You think. You think. You think that's just a plate of fajitas? That was sizzling too much. You think that got a little out of control? Do we know it's not just a really intense fajita? It is Fletcher Cantina after all.

[A]

Go back and show that window right there. That does look.

[B]

Yeah, like.

[A]

And they spray this. That flavor on it. Smoke or whatever.

[B]

Like Greece we have. Yeah, yeah. Maybe a flambe. We do a Saganaki. Greek people. The cheese you set on fire.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

A lot of different stuff it could be. I don't think we should draw. Draw conclusions right away.

[A]

Yeah. Dude, that's crazy. I thought it was a burger shop he was doing. Yeah, that's wild.

[B]

Mexican. Now, Fletcher.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Doesn't sound. I gotta be honest, does not sound appealing. Fletcher sounds too much like flesh.

[A]

Fletcher.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're just a regular person, like I'm going to Fletcher.

[B]

Fletcher Cantina. No, thanks.

[A]

Yeah, it's kind of bizarre.

[B]

Cantina I'm okay with.

[A]

He's done some interesting things. You know, he had an alcohol, but then he said he didn't drink. And then he came out with a tequila, which I thought was kind of wild.

[B]

Interesting. Interesting. What do you think that's about?

[A]

I don't know. I think it was just when. When like celebrities were coming out with tequilas.

[B]

It was purely a business move.

[A]

Yeah. Like when George Clooney came out with one.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

One time I was in Toronto. I'm sitting there, it's like probably 12:30 or something, you know, am just sitting on my computer in the lobby, dude. Hoping to meet my wife or whatever. Yeah. At 12:30 on your computer, desperate for attention probably. I don't know.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

I can't remember why after a show, you're just there. I think I was doing shows. Yeah.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

So I was just hanging out because. Yeah. It's funny, after shows you don't want to go to like. Yeah, yeah. It's like you go to a bar, you're gonna see a lot of people from the show. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. And then if I don't drink, it's hard to be there. So it's like you don't. There's nowhere usually to go.

[B]

Sure. No, that's true.

[A]

Restaurants are closed usually.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

So then you can go to like a gas station sometimes. Ice cream or your hotel.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But I'm sitting there and I feel something on my neck right here, and it's fucking Mark Wahlberg, dude.

[B]

Pretending to have a gun. Yeah.

[A]

He's like, caught you slipping, you know.

[B]

Or however you have failed the keep it on you challenge or lacking. Challenge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes. You failed to call like a challenge. It was like, by Mark Wahlberg.

[A]

I was like, look at this fucking boondock saying, was he in that movie?

[B]

He was not.

[A]

Oh, damn.

[B]

He was not.

[A]

But one of the joke didn't land.

[B]

But he does embody the spirit of the Boondock Saints.

[A]

He thought he was.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

He thought he was in it. But I said that. And then he invited me the next day to his tequila opening. He was actually really nice. He had a nice group of friends, really chill.

[B]

He seems nice. But it's also like that. That level of fame where people start to go insane in a, like, polite way. Like a guy, like, it doesn't seem sinister, but it's insane to wake up at three in the morning to work out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And play golf and like, it's just crazy.

[A]

And like 3:15.

[B]

Yeah, go to 3:15. Wake up, pray for one hour. I mean, I know, you know, whatever this. I don't know if he's. Yeah. 2:30. I mean, that's not a time to wake up.

[A]

2:30Am Wake up 2:45am Crypto prayer. 3:15 breakfast. 3:40 to 5:15 workout.

[B]

That's a long workout.

[A]

That's a lot. Post workout meal. Only two hours after breakfast. That's wild. Shower. He gets an hour and a half for shower.

[B]

That can't be real, right?

[A]

Hey, dude, I have definitely taken some sad showers.

[B]

Yeah. But that's not. When you're. When you. When you're a regimented, like, planning an hour and a half shower, you don't play an hour and a Half showers. You're so fucked up that you take an hour and a half shower. I've taken some of those too. Theo. I'm not judging, but that's when I'm hungover as fuck and I'm like, should I just fucking do drugs at 7am like, that's like you're spending 45 minutes convincing yourself not to take pills. That's what those long showers are, man. They're not thinking about the lore in my fucking bicep curls.

[A]

I'm so high. I should go in the shower.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe if I'm in the shower, I won't purchase a prostitute. That's what. That's what that shower. Maybe if my hands are wet, I can't fucking use my phone so I won't fucking buy pussy and hate myself the second I nut. That's what that shower is about. That shower is not reflecting on your 3:15am breakfast.

[A]

And look, we're cross promoting our own lives here with yours.

[B]

We're not talking about Mark Auburn. This is from ours. This is. We're putting a little of the personal into this riff.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but you open a restaurant, dude, opening day and that thing cooks.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

But that, you know, I think I'm trying to think of anything good. Burnt down bus from was growing up O.

[B]

Any good fires?

[A]

I don't know if we had.

[B]

I only have hate crimes in my neighborhood which are not fun to talk about. Just idiots that didn't understand that Indian people weren't like after 911 some idiot.

[A]

In Baltimore person get.

[B]

Yeah, they just burnt. Just a guy, a Sikh guy who wore a turban. He's like. He's Osama bin Laden. So I'm going to burn down his mini mart.

[A]

You're like, that's. That guy's a librarian.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know that guy runs a 7 11, the library in the middle it. Yeah.

[B]

For literally he was like a nice guy.

[A]

I just went to a nice Indian restaurant here the other day called Bungalow Nice.

[B]

I love that. I like a nice Indian. Yeah, there it is, this indie.

[A]

Oh, Vic Vikas. Vikas is the chef there. Vas dude, he let us sit at the chef's table. They put a little table right by the kitchen. It was. It's fancy, but it's not crazy fancy. I got this guy on the podcast. It was just fascinating to like, like eat Indian food, learn like just about some of the energy and why they have certain things. It was fun.

[B]

That looks awesome. I'll check it out.

[A]

A ton of Indian people. And he said a lot of Indian people don't go out to dinner because a lot of them cook at home.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they always want. They always believe their cooking is better than other places.

[B]

I get that. I understand that.

[A]

I mean, I do not believe that at my place.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what's your trad?

[A]

The traditional quesadillas smoothie.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. A Slim Jim quesadilla. That's what you grew up on. And nobody can make these better than my mom. Owl meat fried rice, a little bit.

[A]

Of squab in there from the holidays.

[B]

Maybe a nice possum rib roast, a.

[A]

Little bit of pijon, we call it a little bit of fucking sidewalk oysters. You know what I'm talking about? What were we just talking about?

[B]

The Indian people will not go out to eat.

[A]

Right. But that restaurant was really great. Man went there. That was kind of cool.

[B]

I love that. I went. I was in England. I was in London and I had Indian food and it was so incredible.

[A]

Yeah, they're there.

[B]

Yeah. Well, you know, that's the one upside to the fucking the British Empire. It's like if they brought Indian food along, if they fucked up India, the least I can do is go enjoy a nice meal as a result. You know, they're there either way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So. But it was good as fuck. It was.

[A]

You'd be a good Indian, I think.

[B]

Thank you, man. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate.

[A]

100%, man.

[B]

Yeah, I've got some Buddha qualities.

[A]

I just think. Yeah, they would herald you.

[B]

I feel like. Well, they do respect the cow. So I have a bull. Kind of like a bull.

[A]

Yeah, I think they would just.

[B]

Yes, I kind of like a bull.

[A]

You could like an Indian sumo wrestler.

[B]

I would love that. Yeah. Yeah, we can start.

[A]

That could be one of your another movies. It's like you go to India to be the first Indian sumo wrestler.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Put you in some semi off brown face.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know about that. I don't know that. Yeah, Maybe I'll just get a nice tan, huh? I can. I can get pretty crispy. Dude, can you. Greek, Mediterranean blood. You know, maybe that's it. Maybe that's what happens. I get such a tan that someone mistakes me for an Indian.

[A]

Sign you up.

[B]

Size me up to be the first Indian sumo wrestler. And there we go. India's first female sumo wrestler. Defying odds and empowering women is her name. Shout out to Hetal.

[A]

Hetal Dave's Journey. In sum, wrestling is not just about personal triumph. It's about. About rewriting what's possible for women in India.

[B]

Love that. Push him around. Hital.

[A]

Love interest. Yeah.

[B]

I could smash an indie. An Indian sumo wrestling woman. No problem.

[A]

That's love, dude.

[B]

That's love. Absolutely. I can't really tell. I'm gonna say yes. I'm gonna give it a. A hesitant yes from that picture that I would smash. I mean, for the movie that she could be. Yeah. And I'm saying, you know, I want to do it for real.

[A]

Let's see what happens. Happens. Yeah.

[B]

Let's see what kind of sparks fly on set.

[A]

Yeah, dude. That's all it is, dude.

[B]

You know, you think of romance maybe is possible between you and Spade, Maybe you guys just have like a Come become gay later in life.

[A]

No, there's a gay. There's. I think Tim Dillon might be in it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Small part or just.

[B]

Who do you think sucks who off then?

[A]

Not it. Tbd, bro. To be David.

[B]

Dvd. To be Dave.

[A]

So we'll see what God wants out of those guys.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I can see Tim doing that.

[A]

What about. What about the election over there happened, man? Did people go crazy out here in New York? Did you feel any of that energy? I.

[B]

Where was I?

[A]

I just felt so glad that I.

[B]

Was filming, I don't know, Philly taping. Yeah, we were taped. We're doing tires and tires.

[A]

Right. How exciting is that, too?

[B]

Tires fucking rules. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, what's it like between the second season and the first season? Is the set different because it sets?

[B]

Not different.

[A]

Same.

[B]

But we. Yeah, we're in the same spot and it's. I think it's gonna be fucking great. I mean, the first season, I didn't even know when I agreed to do it. I thought it was going on YouTube.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it was like Shane texted me. There was no, like. Like, agents involved. There was nothing. He was like, hey, we're doing this thing. They didn't have scripts. We were kind of writing shit as we were going. Like, I was supposed to have a small part, and we just had, like, so much fun doing it. They kept, like, adding. It was, like, so fun. And we felt like we're just making a fun web series. You know what I mean? Like, because I loved Gillian Keeves was so fucking funny. Their sketches were so good, and. And I almost was in one and then it, like, fell through. And so I just wanted a chance to work with those guys. So when Shane hit me up, I was like, I don't need to know shit. Let's just fucking do It. And it's insane that this thing that we didn't honestly do we did in a few weeks and then we did like a couple days of reshoots and it was a fucking show that was top 10 on Netflix for like two weeks. It's insane.

[A]

My mom liked it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so. And so I think. I mean, we've been shooting from. I think we started in October and we end in the middle of December. And so it's, you know, much more time. They actually had a real writer's room. They went over the scripts we have. I don't want to. Yeah, I'm the least important. I don't want to give away too much. But there's like a bunch of cool actors in it.

[A]

You play the brother, right?

[B]

I play. I'm basically like their. I'm basically like.

[A]

Are the dad the other manager?

[B]

No, no, I'm the. I'm the guy who's not in the family. Basically. I'm the guy who's like. It's like a family tire shop. And I'm like the kind of middle manager GM who's just kind of in the middle of it that you can't tell if I'm good at my job or not.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Just kind of a pig. Again, pretty hard role. A horny idiot. It was really hard for me to get into. Into the character. But it's going to be good, man. I mean, and those guys are great.

[A]

I mean, is it shot on sticks or is it shot like the Office? I've seen it. It's just been probably four months.

[B]

I mean, it depends. But it's mostly. I would say it's mostly handheld. They have some. Some, you know, steady shots. But no, it's. We have. The whole crew is awesome.

[A]

Oh, it's so much fun. And that girl in it is so good.

[B]

Kyla crushes it. Well, that's what's awesome about. Like, you gotta love Shane because he legit brought his friends along in like a very sandler way. But the second he could, like Steve Gerben, who is, you know, he's the man. He's the lead. But it's like they did open mics together, you know what I mean? Like that whole crew. Kyle, the same thing. And McKeever who directs it. That is so good. He's such a great director. Shane's a great actor. And it's. It's awesome. It's just great to see that kind of. I mean, that.

[A]

That's funny. And it's again, and people saying Queers. People fixing tires.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, well, he's.

[A]

This country was founded on.

[B]

Right, right, right, right, right. Misogynists fixing tires.

[A]

Yes. You're gonna have to deal with a little bit of misogyny, but we're gonna get you back out on road.

[B]

Yes. I. You want the chassis tightened up or not?

[A]

That's been the story of our. Of history.

[B]

But yeah, I mean, it's a re. If you're setting us some in a tire shop. That's how those behave. You know what I mean? Like, you got to be realistic.

[A]

You think there's like a trans male swimmer in there or something?

[B]

Oh, that would be. Yeah, we need better tires. Yeah, that would be good. Good.

[A]

These tires ain't tied enough.

[B]

On the way to the. Maybe. Maybe on the way to the meat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Bring them in. See, get the fellas.

[A]

Reginald has a magic tire.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're like, what the is happening? No, you need a. Yeah. All people want is just art. Art to reflect life, man. Let's be realistic.

[B]

And if your thing is set in a tire shop.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's how those guys have to behave.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll watch the trans swimmer show. Yeah, that's fun. And they can go. Do you know they can fucking talk the way they actually talk. And if you have tired guys talk the way they.

[A]

That's what you just need. I think that's. People just want the reality of stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I agree.

[B]

And those guys are funny as shit. My dad's a contractor. Those guys are hilarious growing up around these fucking morons. They're stupid as shit. And they, they, they, they rag on each other so much. Oh yeah, it's fucking awesome.

[A]

It's great.

[B]

And the office was set in an office. And yeah, you can't really say wild shit in an office, so it can be a little bit more mainstream. But if you're going to do some shit in a family owned tire shop, it's like anything goes there. We're talking.

[A]

Yeah. That is the wild west.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. A family owned.

[A]

Like that's the Gaza Strip of fucking.

[B]

There's no oversight. Yeah, there's no oversight. No matter what. No matter how many reports the UN rights. You're not stopping that. You're not stopping the fucking famous family owned tire shop from saying racist. You just. You can't do it. It's. That's how it goes. Same thing with diners. I mean. Yeah, you can't. I would net. Don't let. Don't let a teenager work in a Greek Diner. Okay, just don't do it. You're gonna. Don't let. Don't let the hostess work for some guy, the evil variant of me from a different universe that has same hair, open black polo. You know what I mean? You don't want him. You don't want him sexually harassing the hostess. You know what I mean?

[A]

No. Well, I just. As long as the guy who's making my food has. Has a. Like a thing of toilet paper stuffed up one of his nostrils, I don't give a.

[B]

As long as one of the line cooks is going through active withdrawals.

[A]

Hey, you want your eggs scrambled?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just by his hand, just holding there with a spatula.

[B]

Greek restaurant, same thing. Look, there might be some chest hair on your lamb chops, but it's going to be the best lamb chop you've ever had in your life. You really want to get the food safety people involved in this? You want a bland, hairless lamb chop, be my guest.

[A]

God. Lamb, huh? The of beef. I agree.

[B]

Gamey. It really is kind of. It's good as you're like, what part.

[A]

Of the lamb is.

[B]

This is good, dude. Oh, I love a nice lamb chop.

[A]

How. How does it feel? You're kind of. You've become a staple of your favorite football team. How does that kind of feel over time?

[B]

That's awesome. I love the Ravens. It's sick. And I have a show. I have a show at the Lyric, which is. I did it last year. I did a bunch of shows. This year. I'm doing a couple for the holidays. It's nuts to go to your fa. The team you grew up rooting for, and it's like. Like, they put me on the jumbotron, dude. You get a big pop. I got to. Yeah, you get to. I got to meet players. I get to meet this guy.

[A]

What player is that?

[B]

That's real fan, Dan.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Who is. Yeah, he does the R A V E N E S dance.

[A]

Oh, he gets to go.

[B]

Oh, he gets it going. He's got some. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Chapel Roan version.

[A]

Chapel Raven, dude.

[B]

Chapel Raven. That's me, dude. And yeah, they put this on the Ravens Instagram account. Account. The official Ravens Instagram account. Let me put on a helmet.

[A]

Yeah, you gotta rip a dart on there next time.

[B]

They wouldn't let me. They wouldn't let me mention guns or Suboxone. Yeah.

[A]

Which is crazy. Also Suboxone. Wilson is a player there too, which is.

[B]

Yeah, great on the edge. Great on the edge.

[A]

Not. Not allowed dude, bro, the Saints have the Saint. The. Someone keeps tweeting about the. The Pope keeps accidentally tweeting about the New Orleans Saints. Dude, can you see if you can find that?

[B]

Yeah, that's awesome. Were you. You were a. Are you an LSU guy? Are you a Saints guy?

[A]

But they've been under. Under delivering for the past few years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's been. Pope Francis keeps accidentally tweeting about the New Orleans Saints. So that's where we are.

[B]

Hashtag Saints are formed by the Beatitudes. Poor, meek, merciful, hungering and thirsting for justice, seeking peace.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. So they had some issues with the refs. Yeah, Yeah. I think the Saints. The post went up before the Saints lost to the lowly Carolina Panthers, marking their seventh street.

[B]

God is not on your side. They took it out, but in the actual tweet, it was showing the Saints logo. Every time he. Hashtag Saints.

[A]

Wow. And there he is right there. Thank you for your prayers, Pontiff. We need them. What?

[B]

Interesting. But that. Now, does that prove. There it is. Does that prove that the Catholic God is not real? Because a tweet from Pope Francis doesn't even get you to beat the fucking Panthers.

[A]

That's a good point.

[B]

I'd like to see, you know, Muslim guy tweet about you. I'd like to. This is a good way to see who wins. Who wins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is how we can tell who's right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Each religion tweets about the New Orleans tweeters.

[A]

Start your fingers. And they rattle off.

[B]

And they rattle off.

[A]

We get to see who really gets.

[B]

Is it Islam? Is it Judaism? Yeah.

[A]

They all get a shot.

[B]

They all get a shot. Wicked Catholicism. Wicked. Yeah. Get some fat bitches with black lipstick to put a curse on your opponent. Tear out a raven's heart.

[A]

Oh, dude, one time I was walking on the beach in, like, Destin, Florida, at night, and we're like, we're kids, and we got to go to the beach, and I met this girl out there, pretty Rubeness girl.

[B]

Love that.

[A]

And so she's like, I want you to hold me in the water or whatever. And it was like I'd hidden, like, a bottle of wine that I saw from someone in the sand earlier in the day. So I'm out there literally digging in the fucking sand by myself under, like, probably pretty decent moonlight, Right?

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

Fucking digging in there. And like. Like, I'm one of those, like. Like, watching the grunion run or whatever. Like. Like I'm a pregnant turtle trying to.

[B]

See how many of your babies make it to see.

[A]

Yeah, literally I'm just looking for a bottle of Zinfandel. Putting my hand in. And then she came up and we had a couple sips as we were talking and stuff. And he's like, I want you to hold me in the water. So then we're out in the water. Dude, love that kissing. It was ridiculous.

[B]

Was she any wicked or just.

[A]

She was wicked, yeah.

[B]

Interesting, Interesting. Did she do any chance or enchantments to you?

[A]

No, she just said some stuff. She didn't believe in this and that and she was wicking interesting and that she had to be pregnant by a certain time or whatever.

[B]

And you didn't oblige. You're like, I'm out. You want this white tail or not?

[A]

I was like, this infidel is got a go.

[B]

Did you. Did you encounter any like. Because I. I think about like New Orleans. It is. They have some spooky. Some spooky. Any witches? Any like voodoo? Did you ever encounter any of that stuff?

[A]

I stole money one time off of an altar there. And I know. And my life was bad, like seven months. And then, swear to God, I believe. Here was the crazy part. I stole the money. And then you used the money to buy peanut Butter M&M's, right?

[B]

Hexed for peanut butter M and M's.

[A]

And so that was horrible. And I finally. And I. I was on the road for a while and then I finally got back home and I put them. I went and put twice as much money back and it was all good after that. We grew up. There was a lot of pro. Like those like snake fake Protestants, you know.

[B]

Sure, sure, sure, sure. Now hold on. What kind of altar and where was this altar?

[A]

This was in the French Quarter outside, like on the edge of the French Quarter.

[B]

Gotcha. And it was just kind of out there.

[A]

Yeah, they just had a thing put together.

[B]

And it's interesting how many different. Because Greek people have like when somebody. We have like the kind of like a little altar for like your past loved ones. And if you think about it, it is. Even though we're Greek Orthodox, that's so clearly like a ritual. You put a little altar for the. For the deceased. That's not in like Christianity anywhere. It's just, you know.

[A]

But I wonder. Well, I wonder if there. We should spend more time communicating with the deceased, you know, like helping relieve, you know, or is there anything that they need to tell us? It's like we're just like be. You know, like once they clock out, we're like, you are off the.

[B]

We're going to Mangiano's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Having some pasta in your memory and that's it.

[A]

Yeah. They just, like. Because the Mexicans do that every year.

[B]

They let them.

[A]

You know, they let all the. You know, let them out for one.

[B]

One last fiesta.

[A]

Yeah. Like on Ms. 31st or whatever, Halloween night, they let all of, like, the family members come back, you know.

[B]

You ever see Coco, the movie about that?

[A]

Yeah, I think Joey Diaz is. Oh, no, that's. I'm thinking of.

[B]

Joey Diaz is in Coco.

[A]

I thought he was in it.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

Tremendous.

[B]

You got to deal with your generational trauma. You stop depending on your grandfather. Said to turn your life around. That's.

[A]

I think I did try to watch this on a plane or whatever.

[B]

Legitimately destroyed me when I saw it. What happened was. So me and my brothers, we had a tradition where we would take some kind of hallucinogenic. Whatever big, like, Hollywood release was out that, you know, like a big, fun action movie or like. Like Star the First. The first time we did it was the new Star wars prequels, where it was like, we didn't give a fuck about Star wars that much. But.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Take some fucking acid. You watch Star Wars?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's gonna be fucking awesome. So we would do that on Christmas or around Christmas.

[A]

Stepfather.

[B]

You really. You really will actually.

[A]

Surprise attack with a catalytic converter out there.

[B]

Well, so we did that. And then one year, we were gonna. It was. Aquaman was coming out.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Forgot to buy tickets ahead of time. Thought for sure there's no way, you know, Aquaman's gonna be sold out. And then we forget. So it's sold out. We get there, I'm already on ass.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And we're like, all right, let's just get back to the house asap. We're all fucking on out. We didn't have. We couldn't. So then my brother's like, coco is pretty, like, colorful. This could be fun, dude. It's a story all about family. Like, my best friend's mom had just died. We were like, it's a story all about, like, family and death and, dude, I'm just tripping my nuts off, just sobbing and being like, dude, I thought I was going to watch Jason Momoa fight a fucking. Punch a fish in the head. And now I'm thinking about my dead grandparents and if they're proud of me or not. It was so up, dude.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And then my brother, I was, like, sobbing so much afterwards. My brother's like, all right, man. And he just put on Thor Ragnarok for me to just calm down. It's like. Like I was a baby. It's like, here's your dumb movie. Because I would watch that on acid a bunch. That was a fun thing I would do.

[A]

He puts on Wendy Weatherfoot on YouTube.

[B]

Yeah. He puts on softcore pornography with huge titted women's like, here you go, buddy. Your favorite stuff.

[A]

Wendy Weatherfoot is a children's.

[B]

Oh, no, sorry. I. I was just thinking, I don't know what Wendy Weatherfoot is. I was just going into stuff I liked, you know.

[A]

Yeah. Wendy Weatherfoot is a nature based animation series on YouTube. If you like children in nature, you might like it.

[B]

Right. That would have been a better thing to calm me down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But yeah, it was up how much cocoa on acid when I. I was not emotionally ready to deal with it. How. Destroyed me, dude. Destroyed me.

[A]

But you know, acid is just such a wild thing that they make.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because first you're like, you're telling me this little bitty square of paper this is going to do is going to remodel the way I experience the world completely. My brain up is going to make me hide behind the car in your yard and cry about how your parents met each other. I don't know, guys.

[B]

Same thing. The last one we did was Avatar and I literally was crying at that too. But that was a more like the movie was affecting me. I was like, oh dude, the fucking little guy's gonna die. I was crying and like moaning moments before. I was laughing at what a stupid movie it was. And then they kill a character. I'm like, oh, he's dead, bro. My brothers were just laughing at me. They weren't as up.

[A]

And it's just, just the attendant is just shining a flashlight right in your eyes. You give them your license. That's when you're up at the movies. Yeah, you give him your. You hand the guy your driver's license. Just shining a light on you. Oh, dude, I've been watching all those. Like around the holidays I'll start watching. Watching a lot of those military people come home videos.

[B]

Oh, that's. That'll do it to you for sure.

[A]

Surprise at the school while we look.

[B]

For that one more time. I was on acid at the movies. I was. The people in the theater thought I was a special needs because I was.

[A]

What was it? What gave it or what gave them the impression I was again on.

[B]

I was actually on mushrooms and acid at the time.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it was a hacked one. And Bo, you know, you. You familiar with Babu Frick? He's a little Star wars guy. He's a little Star Wars Muppet.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And every time Babu Frick would come on, I would be like, yeah. I would be so happy because I was so on acid that I had kind of returned to being a fucking baby. And so he was just a cute little Muppet guy. And every time he'd come on, I'd be like, yeah. Couldn't stop laughing. People were mad. And then they looked at me, and then I saw. I saw them be like. Like, their faces softened because they go.

[A]

This guy's special needs.

[B]

There's like, there's no way. They thought I was like some teenager. They just looked around. It's like, there's no way a man this old and fat is not special needs if he's reacting to Babu Frick this way. And then. And they looked at my brother, and my brother was like, sorry. And they were like, oh, no, it's fine.

[A]

Dude. I. I don't even know what to say now.

[B]

Some memorable acid. You're not an acid. On movies.

[A]

Me and my buddy. Well, I told this story recently. It's just one that I remember. We. We went to the Waffle House in our town, right? And we got there at like 4:30 in the morning, and there was a gay or there was a homosexual urban male in their waiter. We'd never seen a gay black guy. Right.

[B]

Wow. How old were you?

[A]

We were probably 14.

[B]

Okay. That's big.

[A]

Yeah, it was big, dude. We're very.

[B]

That's some of the funnest. But that's one of the funnest type of guys in the world.

[A]

Oh, we're so high, dude. Yeah, and we're so. We're so high that all we can.

[B]

Do is laugh on hallucinogenics or.

[A]

Yeah, we're taking some lsd.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

And so we went there because it was open. It's the only place that had lights out where you could be somewhere and be young and not have to. As long as you were buying food, you had a.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Legal reason to be there.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I'm legally here for breakfast, right?

[B]

Yes, yes, yes.

[A]

Well, we started laughing so hard.

[B]

May I use the hash browns defense? I'd like to enter the hash browns defense. Sorry, go ahead.

[A]

No, it's.

[B]

So you guys are up.

[A]

Oh, and we're so up. My buddy starts laughing so hard and starts choking. He's laughing so hard. The guy, the widow starts giving him the time Maneuver, dude. So there's a bro.

[B]

I left.

[A]

I. My.

[B]

That's. I mean, that would destroy me.

[A]

My body was coming out of my body.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was doing, like, this. I was like. And my body just getting remodeled by this breakfast brother dude. Just reshaping him, bro. Smothered him.

[B]

And what style of gay guy are we talking? Does he have, like, eyeliner? Strong but strong.

[A]

Yeah, small but strong.

[B]

Like, just posture and the way he talks. What do you mean? Go short?

[A]

Had flare on.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

But didn't need to have it on.

[B]

Right, Right. That's not mandated.

[A]

He had so much on, you almost thought he was, like, one of those people that blows up the balloons or whatever. Like, what is this guy?

[B]

Yeah, he's selling them.

[A]

He's like.

[B]

He's like.

[A]

Yeah, blow up some breakfast.

[B]

Yeah, he's being fun.

[A]

Yeah, he's being fun. Great attitude. Great God, Great attitude.

[B]

Saved your friend's life.

[A]

Yeah. I went to SNL the other night, too. That was pretty cool.

[B]

Yes, dude. That was awesome.

[A]

It was cool just to be there. You ever. You've ever been there?

[B]

I've never been there, no. I want to go, and I have. I mean, I have friends who are on the show now, and, like, it would be cool to go, but I just, you know, always traveling, never hear Saturday. It's a hard night to. To be.

[A]

They'll probably ask you to do it this year, I bet.

[B]

No, I don't think so. I'd love to, but would you? I would absolutely love to. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to. You know, it seems like. Because I have friends who are on the show, and it's, like. Seems like a hard job. That's the thing. As much as stressful as it is to, like, have to put out constantly and be touring, like, you're still your own boss. I can't imagine as. That's a great. You know, that's a huge comedy show that people still watch, but you're somebody's fucking employee.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I can't imagine doing that anymore, dude. Even if it's a cool fucking job. Just being worried about my performance at work. I can't do that shit, dude. That's fucking crazy. But I would love to. It's a dream to host it.

[A]

But if I. Yeah, that's why I say, like, I'm a. I work for myself, and I'm a hard person to work for.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I'm my own boss. And my boss is a fucking idiot.

[A]

And my boss is an asshole, too.

[B]

My boss is an Asshole. He's a fucking.

[A]

Yeah, he's a closeted homosexual as well. Hey, that's a lie. Okay. If I saw you in Houston.

[B]

If your name is Mark and we hooked up in Houston.

[A]

Hold on, guys, Let me start over.

[B]

I can't help it.

[A]

The dad just. God, that was so. But I had to play in the dark, and that was a challenge. I remember that.

[B]

That's good for your understanding of the fretboard. Yeah, you know, it's more intuitive. It's more.

[A]

Yeah, SNL was. It was cool to see. Well, Burr. Bill Burr dropped into a lot of the characters. Are he, like the acting part where you're, like, doing the character? He. He did a really great job.

[B]

He's a good actor, man.

[A]

Yeah, he really, like, tr. You know, it's like. Because some of it, it was like, kind of. You would think it's a little cheesy or whatever, but he, like, you know.

[B]

You got to commit right there. You know what I mean? Like, sketch comedy in general is a little. Is a little cheesy, but if you're going to do it, you got to do it.

[A]

You know what I mean? It was cool McGee played.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

That was pretty dope. I'm trying to think of what else happened.

[B]

Any. Go to the after part or anything like that.

[A]

I didn't go. Yeah, I heard that. It's interesting. They line up like limos and people all from the show go get in the limos, and they're just waiting outside, and it takes everybody to the afterparty.

[B]

Interesting. So a show of force. Kind of like how North Korea has a bunch of tanks and stuff. SNL is like, we got 12 limos. Yeah, don't with us.

[A]

We got what we got.

[B]

We got 12 limos going to the Dave and Busters in Times Square.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And all of our drivers are addicted to porn. If you're in North Korea, you see that?

[B]

That's awesome, dude. Salute to those guys that they made a big mistake once. Once someone gets a little taste of pornography, you tell me they're going to go back to no porn. This could legitimately lead to the toppling of the North Korean regime.

[A]

Little dab will do you, dude. North Korea soldiers in Russia gain Internet access, view lewd videos.

[B]

This is from ukrainianworldcongress.org where the are you getting your news, man?

[A]

The same place everybody is. A website like we made a half hour ago. This is all news now. It's whatever you want it to be. A usually reliable source. This is from this article tells Me that the North Korean soldiers who have deployed to Russia have never had unfettered access to the Internet before. As a result, they are gorging.

[B]

Gorging on pornography. That's awesome. Gorging is crazy. Gorging mean the equip. What's gorging? Like the equivalent of because I've gorged on food. Yeah.

[A]

Probably mouth open. Couple use a couple of phones going at once.

[B]

I don't think it's their best soldiers. I think they're sending expendable guys. There's no way Kim Jong Un is sending his best. That's always out there.

[A]

They're sending.

[B]

He might want to get the masturbators out of his ranks. He might have sent the masturbators out 100.

[A]

Let's zoom in on a couple.

[B]

Can I just say he looks awesome. Look at that fit, bro. I want to dress like that for real.

[A]

You can do that, man.

[B]

I need those pants. I need that leather jacket.

[A]

Is that goat leather?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where do they get it from? It's shiny. He's looking awesome.

[A]

Oh, he looks great. I think especially over the years, he's.

[B]

Really figured his look out. He's coming. He's come into his own.

[A]

They say he gets massages every day.

[B]

And you. Interesting.

[A]

And facials too.

[B]

I'd love that. I would love to live like that. I would love him.

[A]

Look how high the one dude is on porn. Right above your cursor to the right. Zoom in on that guy right there. Right there. Zoom in on that guy right there. There we go.

[B]

I can't go any.

[A]

Oh, you can't. Sorry.

[B]

Enhance.

[A]

Let's get a shot of that guy.

[B]

The hats are pretty. The hats are pretty high.

[A]

Great hats. I've watched that much porn before where one of my ears turned really red. That's crazy, man.

[B]

Yeah, that's a lot because he's lost all the blood from that ear and it's gone translucent because that's all pump into his cock.

[A]

It's all being used, brother.

[B]

All non essential blood is being redirected to your dick when you see porn for the first time in 40 years.

[A]

Oh, dude. I remember at school when I would have to take tests, I would fucking tie my legs off like this to keep the blood like up by my brain.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So I'd be able to have more oxygen in my brain. Help me think.

[B]

That's. Where did you find out about that? Who told you about that? Was that just. Just. You know what I mean?

[A]

Good idea.

[B]

Just good idea. Did it work?

[A]

Yeah. I Think it was pretty good. Pretty good student, you know?

[B]

Love that.

[A]

Dude, it was fun, man. It's being alive back then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Beautiful leg skin.

[B]

Oh, yeah? What's the leg skin looking like these days? You don't really show off the gams too much.

[A]

I don't that much. Yeah, I mean, I put them away today.

[B]

That's not bad, you know. It's not bad.

[A]

I mean, yeah, they won't be in Westminster, but, you know, they won't be in the dog show, but I do. So I think if I get in the gym for a couple weeks, I'll show them, you know.

[B]

Please do.

[A]

I will. Thank you, man.

[B]

Please do.

[A]

See, that's the thing. That's a blessing of being a foundation, man.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, we got some thick. And I'm even hiding the calves too. I. What? What bothers me is I love. I'm a little too milky white up here.

[A]

Oh, you got those force five walls right there, baby. Those things are.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Category three.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you could hang out, dude. You could hide two behind those.

[B]

You could. You could. You could take shelter behind my calves. No problem. Problem.

[A]

I would love that.

[B]

Yeah. Dude.

[A]

What else is happening, man? Anything else?

[B]

Police seized a goat from an 11 year old girl. What is up with cops taking animals, dude?

[A]

Yeah, something happened with a squirrel too.

[B]

I don't understand why people are fucking. It's just like bureaucrat, like, who gives a. And good for this girl. She won 300k. Now I don't know all the facts. Hopefully this goat wasn't biting people's dicks off or whatever. It turns out the goat was a piece of. But if he was just a nice little goat. Vanessa Shakib.

[A]

Yeah, it's tough to know the goat was seized by sheriffs. Go back to the top a little bit. Sheriff's deputy in 2022 while living at a North Carolina farm and was later slaughtered.

[B]

Why did they eat him?

[A]

As outlined in court documents?

[B]

You can't slaughter a goat for no reason. For no reason. I agree.

[A]

No, not for no reason.

[B]

Look, if they had cops, like, nah.

[A]

We'Re getting this guy out of here. And the ghost just like, yeah, the.

[B]

Sheriff'S debut did nothing. Then enforce the law. Yeah, right.

[A]

I. Who knows if this is even right? And then they got this squirrel or whatever, he did something.

[B]

Some dumb bitch snitched. They shouldn't have killed Peanut. But the who snitched is obviously the biggest villain in here. But also the cops overstepping. Cops love killing a fucking animal when they can, man. They do. They'll shoot people's dogs for no reason. They just fucking, like killing shit.

[A]

It's just a fucking parakeet.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a gun. Yeah, the parrot had a gun.

[A]

Oh, man. What do you think of the world right now? Things feel okay now to you? Are you scared?

[B]

Really?

[A]

Because I know there's the election, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Do you. What are people truly scared of, do you think, when they talk about Trump? Because. But what is it? I kind of start to wonder, what do people be scared of?

[B]

I can tell you. Right. I mean, the thing. So for me, you know, I didn't love either candidate here. I didn't. I really didn't understand being enthusiastic about either candidate. I think, you know, I'm not a Trump guy, obviously. I think he is dangerous. And the things that I'm scared of the most and the thing that made me. That made me lean towards Kamala was more than anything was the Supreme Court. And that it would be, if it's put under, like, far right control for the next however long. We've already seen, you know, women's right to, you know, over their bodies, the abortion. You know, Roe v. Wade's been overturned, which I think is really dangerous. That's going to like, really affect women's healthcare already in states that banned it, you see, they're getting less. Just general ob GYN care because it's more dangerous to be a doctor in those states. So we don't think about shit that trickles down. So, like, it's harder to get just general healthcare, let alone abortion in Texas now for women. And that's only going to get harder in rural states. And I think for me, that was the number one issue that's really fucking scary to me.

[A]

Well, especially with the border being open and they're letting rapists in. You know what I'm saying, though? It's like you're just. Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, I don't know if it's the best time to repeal that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If we're going to follow your logic and you claim they got rapists coming in, maybe we should also keep abortion. But, you know, I think we got plenty of homegrown rapists, too, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

We got our own.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

Union guys.

[B]

We've got some. Some heirloom American rapists for sure.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

But I think. I think that's my. The number one thing that scares me is about that, because it's not only. That's the first step, and I think you can really see Stuff that we take for granted is progress. Gay marriage is another thing. There's a really weird cultural. I think this is what happens anytime the party that's backed by the, you know, the powers that be, big business, the rich people, the richest people in the world want far right politicians. And I think if they still. Absolutely without question.

[A]

I feel like tech is now. I just feel like the party.

[B]

Elon Musk was the huge. Is a huge Trump guy.

[A]

That's a good point.

[B]

I think rich people will support whoever's in power, number one. But they want to transfer wealth from the poor to the rich. They've been really good at doing it. The biggest issue, I think the reason the Democrats lost is because they pretend that there is no problem. That it's like that's fucking crazy. You have to tell people that yes, there are issues here. Shit is more expensive. I think inflation. I think a big part of inflation is the. That companies realize they can just charge you more and say it's somebody else's fault. A lot of it's price gouging. That's, you know, that's true. And the. But you should.

[A]

Everything gets so much more expensive and companies are.

[B]

Some of it is just real inflation, but some of it is companies are hiding behind inflation. And like there was no Democrats did nothing to stop price gouging. Right. They didn't even say they were going to do it. You can't tell people that things are going good when they're just clearly not. And there were just. No, it sucks because they offered. The Democratic Party has become like they were going after fucking Dick Cheney. And who was like that was so bizarre. It's crazy because they're going after policy wise moderates, Republican people who most working class people don't agree with the economic stuff that they're saying. And then culturally it's not. It bothers me when you become a party of like tattletales. It's like it's become a party of like middle managers that want to get mad at you if you say the wrong thing. And it's like that's not fucking. That's not the most important issue. The most important issue for people is that things are fucking more. They have no healthcare wage inequality is out of fucking control. We're not. The people's wages have not kept pace with how much bosses are earning.

[A]

Yeah, well, what percent? I mean Bernie Sanders said greatly that he thought. But if AI starts to happen for companies, right? So companies are making more money because of AI, because they don't need People. Yeah, right. Then some of that money should go to the employees, of course, as opposed and cutting, cut down their hours for the week. Now you give them a better life instead of just making it where well.

[B]

Well, we don't need you anymore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, so you don't get anything and we keep all the profits. And I do think, I mean, I think we talked about a little bit last time where it's like, like AI as a tool to fucking do creative shit is. It's so weird when it's like it should be making normal people's lives easier. It shouldn't just be for rich people to be able to charge less. Like there should be some protections for workers and we should be able to like, you know, you should be able to fucking buy a house. All these fucking regular issues that weren't really hit on. It was just, well, you got to vote for us because the other person's worse. And even though I think that is true, that's not a winning message. That's nothing. Especially when the other side is offering. They're at least saying shit's bad. Well, yeah, they're saying it's for the wrong reasons. I don't think it's immigrants fault. It's definitely not fucking trans people. Aren't the people buying up houses and not letting you buy it? You know what I mean? Like, I don't. But at least they're saying something's wrong and they're saying some fucked up shit in my opinion. They're trying to make it culture war stuff. They're trying to divide people who should be on the same side by saying, oh, gay people are bad, trans people are bad. When it's like the people trying to fuck you are rich people. That's how it's always been. That's, that's the fucking. That's. That's the Taylor's oldest time. Like. And it's weird, some people think they're gonna be fucking billionaires when they're, when it's like they don't make off crypto or whatever. And they're like, well, when I'm that rich, I don't want to be taxed. And it's like you fucking don't you live in. You're sharing a loft bedroom with your dad's friend's dad who's taking dick pills. You don't have to worry about fucking tax rates going up on you don't bet on. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Bet on yourself now.

[B]

Bet on yourself right now, man. How about a. How about we raise some of some fucking. Some taxes on the. On the richest people and you get some fucking healthcare. It just. I don't know, man. I just.

[A]

No, maybe I shouldn't have asked. It's a lot. It's a lot.

[B]

It's frustrating because I. But even having said all that, I think what people are scared of the most with Trump is just. Yeah, man. The Supreme Court being taken over by like, like ideologically really right wing because now the Senate is Republican and there's like, you know, taken over by that. That is scary to me because we could see a lot of stuff rolled back that is that we, we take for granted as fundamental and stuff. That's just progress. We can argue over, like, you know, economic issues, whatever. But some of those things that does scare me. Yeah, it's like gay, like women's rights.

[A]

Well, it would be so wild if you got groups in there that were like, well, you can't do gay in anymore.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

We're.

[B]

We're taking away gay marriage.

[A]

But then you'd have all the gators have to pretend they're straight again or whatever.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Back in the closet, boys. Yeah, like, ah, come on. I just threw away all my straight. I just threw away all my Dockers.

[A]

My plaid shirts burned on my Doc Martin and just lay in bed holding my high school girlfriend.

[B]

Gay guys and lesbians have to get married again. And then other on the side.

[A]

Hey, you know what? There was something admiral about those days, though.

[B]

Look, you got, you got. I respect getting a nut. Anyway, against the, against everything.

[A]

Well, just the hard work, just the, you know, the effort that people put into being gay.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Whereas now some dudes just like all day being gay. This willy nilly. Just burning the gay candle at both ends.

[B]

Yep, yep. Doing Pilates. He's the only guy in the class.

[A]

Which is the gayest thing you do. I used to have a gay roommate for about four months and he would chew gum in his sleep and I was like, what is going on?

[B]

Do you have a defined jawline?

[A]

He was a figure skater. He could jump over a Toyota Tercel. The front.

[B]

Wow. Just the front?

[A]

Yeah. Side to side. Couldn't go side to side. That's insane. And he could jump literally at an angle and kind of.

[B]

Oh, he do the spin the axle.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

He could axel over a figure skater. Yeah.

[B]

Where'd you meet him?

[A]

We met him. We were shopping. My buddy and I were shopping for firewood and we met him at a Vons one afternoon. We just moved to Los Angeles.

[B]

He Was doing tricks in the parking lot.

[A]

Yeah. He was just doing that fucking pirouette. Were you?

[B]

Your buddy's like, hey, pal, ease off the Tercel. I just, I just got rid of the Mitsubishi. I can turn this car off. Off. The last thing I need is a gay heel going through my windshield.

[A]

I tone it down.

[B]

Tone it down.

[A]

Hey, just buff. He's just buffing it with his feet as he passes over. Well, I do think some things that I do. I will say this though also. Donald Trump campaigned harder than anyone for a 78 year old man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's unbelievable. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I think he loves the attention of kids.

[A]

Oh, I agree.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

But to even do it, like, I just can't even believe. I mean, that like blew my mind just how, how much he could do, you know?

[B]

I think that's his favorite part, though. You saw him, he was all. He was electric on the fucking mic, bro.

[A]

Yeah, he loves doing his thing.

[B]

He loves getting. He loves crushing. Dude.

[A]

He's like.

[B]

He loves getting in front of this crowd. Just fucking riffing. Like I. Dude, you think that motherfucker wants to be in meetings or you think he wants to be talking to the Nel boys about how he used to get in the 80s or whatever the fuck he was doing? Like, that's the part he likes. He doesn't want to listen to fucking reports about fucking stats and numbers and. No, he wants to eat a Big Mac, drink a Diet Coke and go on busing with the boys.

[A]

He's like Farrah Fawcett.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut the mics. Let me tell you a little something.

[A]

Suzanne Summers.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, funny.

[A]

I will say, I think one of the funniest guys has ever had, though. Entertaining without question.

[B]

That's the thing. I'm not going to sit here and tell you. He's not fucking. He's funny as shit, which is, I think, why things are so. That's why he was able to sneak through. If somebody was saying the exact same shit with no humor at all, it would be horrifying. It would.

[A]

It would be.

[B]

It's fucking crazy. He says insane shit and. But it's funny as. And he seems gay. That's the other thing. He's a New York gay guy who happens to be straight, I guess. Well, he behave. I mean, come on. He's. His mannerisms of the. He behaves like a gay guy is what I'm saying. He's got queen. He's a. He's a. He seems like a gay guy. From Queens. He's from Queens. He has like that little.

[A]

Yeah, but you didn't put him in Queens.

[B]

His spray tan. No, he's from Queens.

[A]

Oh, he is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I spray tan. He. I'm saying I don't think he's gay, but he does have gay mannerisms. Okay, well, this is doing this. Doing this. Like his little fucking.

[A]

Where the gays for Trump. That was the best. Like, where are they? Here?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Couple gays for Trump. No squirrels for Trump. Look at them.

[B]

Where's my African American blacks for Trump?

[A]

Two of them right there.

[B]

Let them loose, Let them lose, guys. Whispers in his ear, good to see you boys.

[A]

Harriet Tubman's here. Dude. The best was he brought up Nikki Jam. He thought it was a woman. She's like, nikki Jam is here. Beautiful. And it's a dude.

[B]

Some dude off Instagram named Nikki Jam.

[A]

Some dude with a mouthful of Zen rolls up there just spitting stay awake juice into the audience.

[B]

No, he's so. But like, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you the guys. He's so fucking funny. I wi. Like, I.

[A]

But so it's a court. So that's one thing that. Because I. I just hear that a lot. People like, I'm so scared. Like, what are you fucking. Like, that's a part. I just never believe the government's gonna affect my life that much.

[B]

I agree with you. The president. The presidential. The president doesn't have that much power. And if it wasn't for the Supreme Court, I would be like, who really gives a fuck? The Democrats didn't run any kind of coherent campaign. They don't want to. I hope this will make. Because, look, my politics are further left than that. I'm not a Democrat registered. Bernie is the only guy I liked in a long time because I thought he was the only human being who was like, a real person of integrity. I think Donald Trump just is a. The idea that he's different from politicians is crazy. He's a rich guy who had. You know, he grew up rich.

[A]

He's a class president for sure type.

[B]

Yeah. And it's like his dad, you know, he was like, his dad was a fucking slum lawyer. He's just a rich guy who's fucked over people on deals forever. He's. I don't like. You know, I have class issues. Right. I don't. I tend to not trust super rich guys, and I don't see how he's gonna do anything different. I think it's naive to think he's gonna Be different than. I understand not trusting the Democratic establishment. But it's like, to me, Trump's funny, but he is. He's a fucking billionaire propped up by other billionaires. That's. I think he's part of just the complex that runs our country. And I don't think he's any different.

[A]

Right.

[B]

The only person that I like.

[A]

It's going to be a challenge to see if he is, like, I mean, they'll think, you know, he was already.

[B]

That's the other weird thing. He was already. We're talking about him like he's the shaking up force. He was already president.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's not. He's not new.

[A]

That's what both of them were. Both of them were that. That was a fallacy. Both of them had. It was like. And Kamala's like, it'll be different. Like, well, it's.

[B]

I know. And that's.

[A]

Go home and make it different right now.

[B]

And that's why. Absolutely. You're in off. You're in power right now. Do something God knows Joe ain't doing. That guy's been having ice cream for six months.

[A]

And they pretended. And when they. That's what. That's what lost me as a. As a Democrat. When they. That's when they lost me was when they lied about or when they just. I just didn't like the way they treated that old man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, it's not cool. Because then he believes he's doing great.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

So he wakes up every day different. He's listening to the music. He's riding for his bike. Bike. He's looking for.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are they doing here?

[B]

He's looking awesome. Honestly.

[A]

Dude, is this the end of an amazing race?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

To heaven.

[B]

It looks like he's just about to finish a marathon.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But he just got out of his.

[A]

Car and they're still pretending every day. He's a. They just told him the other day he's a mayor of Wisconsin.

[B]

And he's like.

[A]

And they're giving him some cheese curds. Yeah. Unlimited ice cream and milk.

[B]

Well, and that's why I agree with you. I think they made a fucking huge mistake in running him again. Like when he ran the first time, it's like, I get it. People were scared of another thing of Trump. So, like put some fucking, you know, put some middle of the road ass Democrat. But then they should have had an open primary.

[A]

Like, people seemed like a railroaded thing.

[B]

People could actually vote on the issues they care about and they just didn't do that. And, and she even had an opportunity to. If she came out with any. I'm, you know, I'm just pissed off.

[A]

She didn't release any new music.

[B]

Yeah, there was nothing new. It was all Biden remixes and nobody liked Biden.

[A]

Yeah. And you can't just hit. And she tried to go after Blacks with a mixtape.

[B]

You got a little production.

[A]

Yeah, it was. She dropped a lot of diss tracks.

[B]

Yeah, but no. Yeah, nothing new.

[A]

No. Yeah, just didn't hit. Yeah, but look, man, I think it's just crazy how. I don't know, it'll be interesting. It's a lot of pressure to see. I'm. I'm most excited about rfk And JD Vance was super cool when he came on the podcast. He's a human. Trump's hard to get to know.

[B]

I don't know that JD to me he seems like a traditional. Just say whatever it takes to get elected. Snake, to be honest with you, I know, you know you had him on. He was cool here. But he was a guy who said he hated Trump. He said some up about women. Like I just think he's a. And venture capitalist guys are fucking worms to begin with. I don't trust J.D. vance at all. I think he's a piece of shit also. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean just. I think he's a cut in the regular ass Republican that'll say any fucking fucked up thing just to get into power. He sucked Trump's cock after saying he was. He called him Hitler or whatever and he made a complete turn when he realized it was politically advantageous to be on Trump. Trump's side. I think he also is just a run of the mill piece of shit politician. Like I just do.

[A]

And that's the thing. Politicians is a weird thing to be. Right.

[B]

But that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying is like I've never been excited about the politics. I've been excited about was Obama when I was 18.

[A]

Same.

[B]

I voted for Obama and I think he did have a real opportunity to do something and it turned out he didn't really do shit. And then. And then he did.

[A]

Yeah, but that's the foul. That's the thing that all always happens.

[B]

Yeah. At least that was something that was like. And I think part of that was Obama was just too inexperienced. I think if he had a little more, you know, he didn't know what he's doing with the Senate. His. The healthcare thing got completely. And universal healthcare.

[A]

I had Obamacare.

[B]

It was Bad. It was. They didn't. They.

[A]

They ended up some cups. I saw some. A set of cups they sent me.

[B]

Nice. Dude, you got. You got a mug, huh? That's the.

[A]

Yeah, no, it's like, kind of like some plastic cups of it. I still use them.

[B]

Yeah. But he got worked over by thinking he could actually, you know, find common ground with the Republicans. They should have just rammed the legislation down their throat. They had both. Both houses at the time anyway. Whatever.

[A]

Yeah, the.

[B]

And the only person I was excited about was Bernie, because I think he was actually in that run in 2016. He was like.

[A]

He would have been cool.

[B]

Would have been cool, but the Democrats shut that shit down.

[A]

I. Hey, man. Well, one. I like Vance as a guy. Seemed like a nice guy. Yeah, I know that. Like. Like, he's like. You know, they say, like, Peter Thiel is like, the guy that got him in office, that sort of thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then you start to see that all these guys have backers. Will things be different with some of these guys? I don't know. I think. But one thing that's cool is that we both like Bernie. I like Bernie. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Too. I would have voted for Bernie.

[B]

And see, that's the.

[A]

Is.

[B]

I think those ideas unite people. Because he's just saying, like, look, look, we have issues to deal with. There's real issues. We're not gonna pretend shit's good when it's not, and let's find real ways to do it that everybody gets. And that's real equality. He wants to help everyone because it's not about. It's not. It's not a fucking. It's not about, like, you know, cultural shit. It's about economic shit. And more people are disaffected because of the, you know, people at the top. And I think that's a message that everyone can agree with. And I think when people aren't looking at things ideologically, if you just ask them about issues, people agree on a lot of fucking issues.

[A]

I say that they want to be.

[B]

Able to fucking buy a house. They want to be able to afford shit, and they want to be able to fucking, you know, get healthcare. How many people do we know? Like, I have, you know, I know people extended. Extended family, stuff like that, that are struggling off shit that they shouldn't because somebody got sick and it derails your whole fucking family.

[A]

We talk about that all the time.

[B]

It's fucked up.

[A]

The number one cause of. I mean, we said say this all the time now because one of the few facts I Know, but the number one cause of bankruptcy in America is medical debt.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

And so it's a. The whole system is a money laundering scam.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I don't know why that hasn't changed. And if you would think at some point one of these groups would be able to change the.

[B]

You know, it's. I mean there is so much money in politics and I was right.

[A]

But it's just. It's so. People are so fed up with the fucking system. I just. You almost want there to be a war to end it all or whatever.

[B]

I know what you mean, man.

[A]

You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I do know what you mean. And some people do believe that. Some people think there's no way has.

[A]

To change because this is not changing over time. Right? Yeah.

[B]

Some people believe revolution is the only way to fucking die.

[A]

Hey, Tony tried to start one.

[B]

That was the main reason cop like Shane said it too on his podcast. It would have been so funny to be able to blame Tony. He would just be like, you bombed so hard that the part your candidate fucking lost. How fun would that be to tell Tony for the rest of his life? That's actually the thing I'm most pissed off about. Supreme Court is number two. After being able to mock Tony for the rest of my life, that's what I regret the most about the election.

[A]

He was sweating. I was out there and watched it with him. He was sweating, man. I think we could. I know that we could do better in this country about being. Making useful things. I was just looking the other day in Japan. Is it in Japan where they have the sidewalks turn power a fucking building. You're walking by them. The fucking building's powered by people walking on.

[B]

That's fucking cool.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Our infrastructure is so fucked too. It's like how trains don't even work. High speed rail. We need like our trains.

[A]

If you're on a train the other day, it got robbed by a bunch of people on horseback.

[B]

Like getting the. The 310 to Yuma treatment.

[A]

It's unreal, dude. You go to the post office. You go in there, you're like, yeah, I'm looking for this package. You give a piece of paper. The guy comes back two days later and asks you who the you are. Right?

[B]

You're like, where? I know what is even going? It's crazy. It's crazy.

[A]

It's falling around, dude. Yeah, but it's like meanwhile we have all these homeless people wandering around town. If you put them all in an area and set up one of these. Because this floor in Japan turns footsteps into electricity. Play a bit of it there.

[B]

So you. You're thinking Japan, even walking generates electricity. Tokyo Metro. I don't like this guy's voice.

[A]

The trains are power, electric technology, and.

[B]

Floors to convert the energy. I mean, but if you can get.

[A]

50 or 70 homeless people to power a Jamba Juice or something, I agree with you, dude. How great would that be? They come out, they dance for 12 minutes or whatever, and bam. The.

[B]

It's exercise for them. It's good electricity.

[A]

The blenders cut on in there and.

[B]

They get a free smoothie for their trouble. What do we.

[A]

But instead, everybody's like, they need pills. You know, it's like, well, that's.

[B]

That's a perfect example though, of homelessness. It's like, give them homes. Yeah, we have the ab. We know what it takes. Like, make apartment buildings and like. Like that has been shown to work. And most people just don't have access. But there is all this weird, like, you will create non profits to help the homeless. That cost more than just getting them little.

[A]

They give them recipe books.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And we'll just keep busing them back and forth in different cities. Like it's basically political parties. Play red Rover with them.

[B]

I know what they should do is instead of busy them, sign them up for southwest miles. Yeah. And then they get some miles out of it. Give them a southwest credit card every time you ship them from Texas to New York to wherever the. And then they can go on vacation. You know, they can earn some miles.

[A]

You're not going to cough about the cabin. Some guys just hacking up a dead sparrow in his throat. I only say that because I was in San Francisco one time. My guy threw a bird at me for no reason.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah, it was a sparrow.

[A]

It was small enough.

[B]

Small enough.

[A]

It could have been a. A warbler. But I'm gonna get him back. We'll see.

[B]

He put an air tag in his. In his bindle. And you're tracking him. You're gonna get him back.

[A]

Every time I close my eyes, I still see what he looks like.

[B]

That's horrifying. Birds to me are unsettling creatures.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To have one thrown at you is very tough.

[A]

The dirtiest surprise.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We did Starbucks, man.

[A]

The new movie.

[B]

Let's start a cult. Let's start out on VOD right now. Go to Apple, Amazon, wherever you like to rent video movies. Go check it out. Please, I'm begging you. We got the calendar. We have a new tour. Coming out the dreamboat tour. And yeah, I really appreciate you having me on, dude. It's always so fun. This is my favorite podcast to do. It's so much really, dude, I love it. You're the best, man.

[A]

I'm gonna come back in December so I can do yours.

[B]

Please. Yeah. Would love that.

[A]

And I remember I didn't even know you were the guy from cometown that I like.

[B]

So fun, dude. You're like, I met that guy once. I was like, it was me, dude.

[A]

That's crazy, dude.

[B]

But I love that. That's awesome. Would it be we'll play some clapton. I'll have you play a little guitar while I get my dick suck. It'll be like old times, dude. Just take those old records off the shelf.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You're the man. Like these leaves I must be cornerstone oh but when I reach that ground.

[A]

I'll share this piece of my life found I can feel it in my.

[B]

Bones but it's gonna take a little.