E565 Bert Kreischer

Summary

Podcast Summary: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von - Episode E565 featuring Bert Kreischer

---

Introduction

In Episode E565 of "This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von," released on February 25, 2025, host Theo Von welcomes his friend and fellow comedian, Bert Kreischer. The episode delves into a wide array of topics, ranging from parenting mishaps and the impact of social media to personal growth through therapy and the intricacies of the entertainment industry.

---

Parenting and Bicycle Riding Adventures

Bert Kreischer opens up about his unique approach to teaching his daughters how to ride bicycles, blending humor with heartfelt moments.

• Quote [02:03]: "My daughter Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going. The pedals off, gliding, pedals back on..."

Despite his efforts, Bert shares the comedic yet challenging experiences, including minor accidents that led to the realization that his daughter needed glasses.

• Quote [03:14]: "She just hit a BMW hard over the handlebars... then we realized she needed glasses."

---

Navigating Social Media and Content Creation

The conversation shifts to Bert's early experiences with social media, where he inadvertently overshared personal moments that garnered significant attention. This led to a deeper reflection on the responsibilities that come with content creation.

• Quote [04:24]: "And then I shared everything about my family on everything... we were creating content not knowing what we were doing."

Bert discusses the balance between sharing personal life and maintaining privacy, especially concerning his children's online presence.

---

Therapy and Personal Growth

Bert candidly talks about his journey through therapy, highlighting his efforts to manage behaviors like the urge to intervene excessively in others' lives. This introspection extends to his relationship with his wife, Leanne, and their decision to attend couples therapy to navigate the changes brought by their children leaving for college.

• Quote [07:01]: "I'm working on that in therapy, too. Just, like, removing myself, slowing down, listening."

He emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and the challenges of maintaining one's mental health amidst personal and professional pressures.

---

Podcasting and Building Connections

Bert reflects on his passion for podcasting, viewing it as a platform to connect with friends and delve into meaningful conversations. He contrasts this with traditional stand-up comedy, highlighting how podcasting allows for deeper interactions without the performative aspects of live shows.

• Quote [19:11]: "Podcasting, I don't look at that as work. I look at it as an opportunity to hang out with my friends and get to know other people."

This segment underscores the value of authentic connections and how podcasting serves as a medium for fostering relationships within the comedy community.

---

Acting and Creative Pursuits

The discussion moves to Bert's experiences in acting, particularly his involvement in a pilot project with Theo. They reminisce about the chaotic yet memorable moments during the production, highlighting the camaraderie and spontaneous humor that defined their collaboration.

• Quote [24:41]: "It was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of... Me, you, and Brett Ernst as the hosts and executive producers."

Bert shares stories of improvisation and the challenges of translating their off-the-cuff humor into a structured format, ultimately leading to the production of their Netflix special, "Lucky."

---

Reflections on Success and Luck

Bert expresses profound gratitude for the serendipitous events that have shaped his career and personal life. He attributes much of his success to being in the right place at the right time and surrounding himself with supportive and genuine individuals.

• Quote [117:16]: "I have two great kids who are really well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money... I'm the luckiest motherfucker."

Theo echoes these sentiments, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and appreciating one's fortunate circumstances.

---

Upcoming Projects and Events

Towards the end of the episode, both Bert and Theo discuss their future endeavors. Bert announces his upcoming Netflix special "Lucky," set to premiere on March 18, and teases his participation in the "Two Bears 5K" event in Tampa on May 4 at Raymond James Stadium. He also hints at possibly returning to his comedy tour later in the year.

• Quote [117:02]: "Lucky, which premieres March 18... and I get to sit with you and just chat about. I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker."

Theo shares his own projects, including a movie he's working on with David Spade, highlighting the collaborative spirit that drives their creative processes.

---

Conclusion

The episode wraps up with heartfelt exchanges between Bert and Theo, reinforcing their long-standing friendship and mutual support. They reflect on their journeys, the lessons learned, and the importance of staying true to oneself amidst the chaos of fame and personal challenges.

• Final Quote [122:48]: "We're lucky to be in your presence, man. I feel that. And thanks for always being supportive."

Both comedians leave listeners with a sense of camaraderie, resilience, and the enduring value of genuine relationships.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Parenting Mishaps:

   • "My daughter Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going. The pedals off, gliding, pedals back on..." ([02:03])
   • "She just hit a BMW hard over the handlebars... then we realized she needed glasses." ([03:14])

2. Social Media Reflections:

   • "And then I shared everything about my family on everything... we were creating content not knowing what we were doing." ([04:24])

3. Therapy Insights:

   • "I'm working on that in therapy, too. Just, like, removing myself, slowing down, listening." ([07:01])

4. Podcasting Philosophy:

   • "Podcasting, I don't look at that as work. I look at it as an opportunity to hang out with my friends and get to know other people." ([19:11])

5. Acting Adventures:

   • "It was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of... Me, you, and Brett Ernst as the hosts and executive producers." ([24:41])

6. Gratitude for Luck:

   • "I have two great kids who are really well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money... I'm the luckiest motherfucker." ([117:16])

7. Upcoming Projects:

   • "Lucky, which premieres March 18... and I get to sit with you and just chat about. I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker." ([117:02])

---

Final Thoughts

Episode E565 showcases the dynamic chemistry between Theo Von and Bert Kreischer, blending humor with introspection. Their candid conversations offer listeners a behind-the-scenes look at the lives of two successful comedians, emphasizing the importance of friendship, personal growth, and embracing one's luck.

Transcript

[Theo Vaughn]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to progressive and save hundreds.

[Theo Vaughn]

Visit progressive.com to see if you could.

[Bert Kreischer]

Save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary.

[Theo Vaughn]

Not available in all states or situations. I have some new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in Chicago, Illinois on April 24th at the Wind Trust Arena, Fort Wayne, Indiana on April 26th at the Allen County War Memorial Coliseum and Miami, Florida on May 10th at the Cassia Center. All tickets at Theovon.com T O U R Today's guest is a stand up comedian, a podcaster, an actor. You know him from his shows Bertcast and Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura. He's got a new special coming out on Netflix called Lucky, which premieres March 18. I'm grateful to have my friend the machine here today, Mr. Bert Kreischer.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike. No, I could do it in five minutes.

[Theo Vaughn]

You want to do it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. Buddy, it's part of my. What I'm working on in therapy. Really let people have their own thing. Oh, yeah, I'm. I get my fingers in everything. And I just was like, hey, here's what we do. We take off the pedals, okay. And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up. That's how I did with both my girls. Then we go to a subtle decline and we do it that way with feet up the whole way. Then we put the pedals back on, teach them how to pedal. So easy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, yeah. Riding a bike, the toughest thing I remember. Well, first, some guy who's teaching you don't know him. Usually in my neighborhood, you didn't know him. It was like some dude's dad would be out there drinking or something. He's like, I'll teach this little. Whatever. You know, you're like, well, that's not. That's a whole.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not how it works at all. Yeah, well, usually you definitely know the guy. Well.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, but. Yes, but a lot of times you also don't know you. Some people, some places you don't know the guy. Right. Or if your dad isn't there, or whatever. So there's some guy who sets his beard on. He's like, I'll teach this little.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, almost did that out front.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. That tracks.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. So then, then that guy, like, so now suddenly there's some guy teaching you don't even know or whatever. And then they get you going, right? And that part's good, but the scary part is then you realize you have to steer. And that's where a lot of people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just bank right into things at twice. You have to pedal and steer, and it's. And it's. It's counterintuitive. My daughter Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going. The pedals off, gliding, pedals back on. Here we go. And boom. Hit a BMW Hardy over the handlebars, body mark on top of the hood. And I was like, God. So then.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Set. She goes, I'm good, dad. Second time we get her, she hits a trash can. Right away, I'm like, God dang. And then third time, she had a fire hydrant. And then we realized she needed glasses.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got to get her glasses at that point. She's dyslexic, too. She hit so much. We got a video of her. She. She just. That kid has been. Are we rolling? Are we good?

[Theo Vaughn]

Huh? I don't know. Are we okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

Good.

[Theo Vaughn]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were.

[Theo Vaughn]

We.

[Bert Kreischer]

That kid rolled the dice on life. So much. So much. Do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this? She would. She would do that. That's how she rode a bike. She liked her stomach to drop. So she'd go. And Georgia had a GoPro on her helmet, and Isla did it and then went over the handlebars as the cutest video Georgia looks me, Dad. I got it.

[Theo Vaughn]

Capture the footage.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was great. Wow.

[Theo Vaughn]

You guys are a footage family. You've always been kind of a footage family then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but it was before content, really.

[Theo Vaughn]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like when we, you know, I got an Instagram to. Not to for professional reasons. I got Instagram. Keep up with people I knew in high school and college. And then you're like, oh, and comics. Cool. No one was posting videos of, like, promo videos.

[Theo Vaughn]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And then I shared everything about my family on everything. I remember the first time I realized maybe I was over sharing is I posted our Christmas card on. On Instagram and someone hit me up. Guy we both know that we respect hit me up. He was like, dude, what are you doing? I was like. And it got, like, a million likes. And I was like, you know, I don't know. You get addicted to the likes. You're like, nice. Killed it. And then you don't realize your kids, all their Friends see that. And then you're putting. You're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in. But that was. It was. We were creating content not knowing what we were doing.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, I see. You were saying, like, you were like, maybe you were putting things that might have been too personal out there.

[Bert Kreischer]

You mean way too personal. Yeah, I mean, I talked about either period on one of my specials and.

[Theo Vaughn]

You weren't there for the first period or whatever, were you? Oh, my God. And we had to like candles or whatever, huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we did. Hang on. Yeah, dude. As a comic, okay, you. Certain things happen to us where we go, that's too good. That's got to go on stage. Like something happens and you're like this. Yeah, it's like just. It's a. I don't know if it's like a. I don't know like if it's a neediness or whatever it is, but she got her period and I mean, I talked about on special, but she called me from school and she's like, yo, it happened. I was like, yeah. She's like. I go, what do you need, like new socks or like just. She's, you know, new panties, new pants, new whatever. She goes, no, go to go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I was like, huh? She goes, we're throwing a period party. And I was like, wow.

[Theo Vaughn]

I was like, okay, be positive.

[Bert Kreischer]

And immediately as we were as, as the night went through, and by the way, I put it on all social media because it's funny. And no one, no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting, you know, and you're just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing. And then Isla the next morning was like, yo, maybe we want to take that off social media. Maybe I don't want everyone I went to school with to know I got my period yesterday. I was like, yeah, good call. A 10 year old or 12 year old, whatever you are.

[Theo Vaughn]

God. I don't know if people, I mean, I guess people trying to remember. I think if somebody got their period in our neighborhood, people would start calling them a whore or whatever, you know, Like, I think people were just. Yeah, people were. Were more vulgar in our area. I think, you know, if anything happened, it was. Everybody always made it. You feel ashamed of. No matter what happened to you, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay. Yeah. I've been talking about shame a lot in therapy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Have you been? Yeah. You just said. Well, you just said you. That you. You saw somebody who was Trying to teach your kid to ride a bike? Because I heard something going on out there. I heard something that sounded kind of Mexican or whatever happened out.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was very Mexican. Yeah, Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

I heard, like, something kind of Mexican happened outside earlier. And I was like, I wonder what's going on? But I'm not going to get involved. I got to work right now. But you came in, you said you saw a mom teaching a kid to ride a bike.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

And you were going to get involved.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wanted to get involved.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I just was like, no, this is their life. What am I doing? Like, what part. What need do I have to jump in, make it an event? Event? Like. And then, I don't know. So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy, too. Just, like, removing myself, slowing down, listening. Yeah, well, I are in couples therapy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, y'all are.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's awesome.

[Theo Vaughn]

No way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm fucking killing her. Like, I've gone. I've won three. She's only one.

[Theo Vaughn]

Two times.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm smoking her, dude. The very first therapy. The very first therapy, the therapist, like, I was just. I just. I don't. Like, we went into couples therapy in a good place. We're in a good place, but the girls both went to college. We're spending a lot of time together, you know? And, like, I just. Both of us were like, yeah, this is just different than we've ever lived. I've always been on the road home. Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, back Monday. And now all of a sudden, and I'm taking a break from stand up right now. So I'm taking, like, a year off. And we're just around each other so much. We're like, maybe we should, like, just be in front of it in case something happens.

[Theo Vaughn]

Right? Like, see what's going on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, the first therapy, Leanne interrupted me, and the therapist goes, now you know me, right? He goes, does he ever talk? I was like, oh, this is awesome. She's got. I've got. Leanne got crossed up. She's, like, on her heels. Like, wait, what the fuck? He won't shut. The fuck. He's just not talking now. I never. Like, it was like, oh, yeah, it was badass.

[Theo Vaughn]

Damn, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who.

[Theo Vaughn]

Who picked a therapist? That's the thing that happens a lot of times is with couples, I think you get. If you picked a therapist, and it's almost like that's your. You have, like, you know, like the insider trading on the referees or whatever, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She picked the therapist.

[Theo Vaughn]

She Did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm not. I'm never going to find a therapist.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. And was it weird? And one of the things they said in there was that you got to let people do their thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. I need to slow down. I have fomo. I want to be involved in everything. I want to. Like, I just.

[Theo Vaughn]

I get. I feel like I've done too much just looking at you. Like, if I look at you, I'm like, oh, I got to sit down for a minute.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. I get. When I wake up, when I wake up, if I hear something happening downstairs, I gotta go downstairs. I go, what are we doing? Hang on. We're playing with the dogs. I want to be a part of that.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I. Dude, I. And I had. My day starts early, and it just. I slam it because if I have any downtime, I get in my head, I get on my phone. I don't. It's just not positive. And so I pack my days. I had a therapist tell me one time, you have fomo.

[Theo Vaughn]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, that doesn't sound like a therapy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, that. Well, I mean, it's just crazy. You would. Yeah, I guess. You hear something, you want to go see, you want to be a part of it. You want to know what's going on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like, when you got sober, did that change? Because there has to be a part of you when you get sober where you go, hey, man, they're all going out, but I'm cool staying home.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, no, I just didn't. What. The best thing that happened from that was at like, 11:30 or midnight. I was like, I'm heading home. So you just didn't end up, like, in the retardation hours, you know, you didn't end up, you know, sneaking into somebody's house through an air vent or some. Or some dude tricking. Trying to trick you into being gay or whatever, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm so glad when I hear you talk like that, I go, I definitely don't have a problem. I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, dude, have you seen that? There's a great meth tribute video where a guy shows up through a floor air vent in somebody's trailer. That shit was something else, dude. When I was a kid, my buddy Jeff, he had, like, a lot of violent tendencies or whatever. I don't know what happened to him, but he would get so angry, his parents would send him to his room and he would beat the drywall out of the wall of his room. And every year for Christmas, they would get the drywall redone in his room.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's very sweet of him.

[Theo Vaughn]

And he would listen to that song. You gotta keep them separated.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just met those dudes. Do you know that? They got. They said. I was talking to the two. Dexter and. And Slinky. It's not Slinky. What? Noodles. Dexter Noodles. And they said, you know that a lot of white supremacists adopted that song. Oh, yeah. You know another song white supremacist adopted? These boots are made for walking and that's just what they'll do. But the white surprises. One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you Jews.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, stomp.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Damn.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard that in the old school. You ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos?

[Theo Vaughn]

Did they do. They didn't do a music video, did they?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think so.

[Theo Vaughn]

I haven't seen that. If they did, there would be, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

The videos where it's like, the one British guy infiltrates the clan, and he's like, so I'd like to talk to your son. And he's like, so, do you have a problem with black people?

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, I was talking about, dude, Louis Thoreau. Oh, Louis Thoreau. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he'd go to, like, their. Their big barn, and they're burning his cross. And he's like, I feel a little comfortable. This isn't really my cup of tea.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, the cross is a little warm. Can you turn down the heat a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Little close to the cross? Can we do smaller crosses? Maybe spread them out evenly by the tables, Kind of like a heat lamp?

[Theo Vaughn]

He goes, actually, my wife's a bit cold. Could you spark up a small cross near her?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you think that was the first crossboarding? They're like, well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side. So, like, let's get. Spread it out. Like, the fire is too centralized.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, I think that's why you. That's probably why they burn across. It's kind of the perfect heat lamp.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't understand. I mean, I'm sure it's ominous to see a cross burning in your front yard, but I'd be. If I saw that, and I'm like, two in the morning, I'd be like, sweet.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, nice. I believe in God.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, oh, damn, we got a Megadeth rally happening. We are. What is this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Our organization is just. You interviewed that dude? Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Fascinating. Guy is advertising the literature.

[Bert Kreischer]

We Put out. He did Kurt and Courtney too. I think he's done a lot of documentaries.

[Theo Vaughn]

He's done a ton.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he does, like gossip documentaries, you know?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. It's always. And it's a little. It was almost a little.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ballpoint pens.

[Theo Vaughn]

My swaps cups.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Will the skinhead in the crowd please leave immediately?

[Theo Vaughn]

How about Elijah? Could be handy for cross burning.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't. That's not. That's not cool. Can't use a big lighter for a cross. No, no. You have to use a torch or something. How come it looks better?

[Theo Vaughn]

Can't use a Bic lighter for a cross burning.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on, hang on. Let's. Hang on. Pick that apart. That is hilarious. If they've built the cross, it's covered in kerosene. And you'll see a guy. Yeah. At the bottom. I can't get it. Hang on. It's too windy. Like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the Comedy store.

[Theo Vaughn]

Hey, somebody comes stand like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

A bunch of guys going like this.

[Theo Vaughn]

Dude, one time I was at this party out in Franklin, Tennessee, and they had like a huge bonfire, right? And so they were. And they had one black guy that was at the party, right? And they sent him to pour the gasoline on all this huge. I mean, it was a huge politics. You had to climb up. I mean, it was humongous. It was probably.

[Bert Kreischer]

A little gas goes a long way.

[Theo Vaughn]

I agree. And it was 40ft wide and probably 20ft high, this pile. And I was like. And there was American flags everywhere. I was like, you cannot send the one. I was like, if anything happens. Right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

This looks absolutely.

[Bert Kreischer]

Being with your Jewish friend and go, hey, there's something in the back of my oven. Can you climb in and see if you can get it out? You're like, no, no.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, that's why Jews invented the self cleaning oven, dude. They're like. They're like, we're not doing that. Sure. We're not falling for that again. Oh, oh, they're gonna make us take that out. Probably. They can't, huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, unless the Jews actually invented the self cleaning oven, then is just.

[Theo Vaughn]

That's just factual information, dude. I can't. So I can't believe you're in therapy. So that's going on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I like it.

[Theo Vaughn]

You do?

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't do therapy. I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much. Meaning two bears burcast Something's burning and tour. So every day. I'm talking like four hours a day. And I was like, I just Was losing my voice like crazy. I was like, I can't talk. I just don't physically want to talk anymore. And then. And then when I took time off, I was like. Like, second, I took time off. Like, my first week, I got really depressed. So I was like, I don't know.

[Theo Vaughn]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

But are you able to figure out, like, what that depression?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because otherwise it's not torrent.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, it's just not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude.

[Theo Vaughn]

Not being on the go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not being. Not being. Not being on the go. Not having something going. Not like, hey, we got to pack you up. We got to get you to. We're going out to Boston. You're doing the thing, but you already have.

[Theo Vaughn]

You've done so much. Like, don't you worry that burn it. Like, continuing to burn it at that speed would burn you out. Or maybe you just don't get burned out.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't get burned. Get burned out. What was happening to me was creative. Like, creatively. I just felt like I was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming out.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I was like, I gotta. Like, I got done this last hour. It was Premiering on Netflix March 18th, I think 18th. Somebody check that lucky. And. And I. When I got done doing that hour, I feel like I. You know how, like, when we get. You know how when you start a new hour, you scrap everything and then you go to your joke, but you go, I got like 20 minutes, right? I. For this special, I dumped everything. Fucking seven minute stories. Turned it into a three minute story. I dumped everything. I just piled this. My first four minutes was initially like 10 minutes. And I crammed it, so I wanted to be good. So it's like, you know, it's like my sixth special, so I don't want people to think I got lazy. But then when I got done, I was like, yo, I. I need to br. I need to write. And I was like, my girls are in college. I'm with Leanne all the time. Like, what am I talking about? Like, who am I? What am I gonna like? And so I was like, I'm taking time off, but my first week, I'm sitting in my backyard and I'm just, like, depressed. Looking at people touring, having fun, looking.

[Theo Vaughn]

At, like, so severely. Just that fear of missing out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Missing out, man. Like, I just. I love the energy. And we pulled Fully Loaded from the summer to give me time off to do this thing this summer. This summer. We do Fully Loaded every summer, and it's so fucking fun.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, those videos. I would Always get envious of those. Seen all the pictures of the Gorges and stuff like that, and you guys are just having a blast. I would always feel like such a loser that I wasn't doing it or I wasn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some of those places just like, I can't afford you.

[Theo Vaughn]

I don't know about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

There wasn't. There was a second where I could have gotten. You and Schultz were the two, like, two kind of like white whales. It was been. It would have been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman. Mark Norman Santino. Like, it was just. It would have been. It's. It's such a fun group. Whitney, Nikki. It's such a fun. Big J. Dan Soder is so fun. And Schultz called me directly, and he was like, I got your offer, and I respectfully declined. But then his agent was like, you can't afford him. And I was like, okay, I get it. But you want your friends to blow up. It would have been cool. But it's like, you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut to come do something.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Or sometimes it's also just a time cut. It's like, since we've been podcasting more, just takes so much time, and then I have to do it here and Nashville, it's just like the back and forth.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why. That's why I said this when we were in. I apologize.

[Theo Vaughn]

And your own touring. So it's like you have your own tour. It's like last year, I don't know, I maybe had two weekends where I did something for myself that I wanted to do that wasn't work. Which is fine because I like working.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I like working, too. They say, do you have a hobby? And I go, like, podcasts? No. Like, do you have a hobby? I go shoot content. Like, no, like, a hobby. I go, I'm working on a movie.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, no. What do you do for fun? I go, like, collect rocks. I don't know what the you're talking about. Like, look at toads. Take pictures of animals. Who the does that?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. Sometimes people will be like, you got to get a hobby. And I'm like, well, some of my hobbies became work and are still my hobbies. They're just more. It just like, you're just super involved with them. I guess. I guess I could get a nice hobby.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like what?

[Theo Vaughn]

Like, think about, like, walking with a friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Top 10 hobbies.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Walking with a friend is not a hobby.

[Theo Vaughn]

It isn't?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because Immediately, I go, why don't we turn into a podcast? Here's the beautiful thing about podcasting, okay? And so let's scrap. Ignore that podcasting is a business. But when are me and you going to get a chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out with and go. You can't answer your phone, can't look at your phone.

[Theo Vaughn]

Let's just talk for the rest of our lives. Probably never till we're older.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or. Or if I. If you have something you want to promote, maybe we can do it over at my house. But it's like, it's kind of up. I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour. I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes. Got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask. Danny Trejo, Travis Barker. You know, Jelly. It's like, I see Jelly. Jelly is a little different because I see him, and I end up spending a lot of time with him.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. He. He's somehow so excess. He finds he's so accessible in a weird way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But. But podcasting, I don't look at that as work. I look at his opportunity to hang out with my friends, you know, and. And. And get to know other people, other men.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

And I think a lot of people maybe don't get as much time with that. And so that's why they listen to podcasts, too. It's like, ooh, you know, a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of people don't like what you said.

[Theo Vaughn]

Maybe they don't get as much time as that. So that's why they listen. They're listening more to podcasts. I think some of it's wild. Listen. It's like, I want to hear a conversation about this thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

And so that's what I'm a listen to. I want to hear about a conversation that's funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or I don't get to hang out with Tim Dillon and Rogan.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Together.

[Theo Vaughn]

So you gotta.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never. I never do. So it's fun when I listen to the two of them talk. They. They have smart brains in a different way than me. Like, I'll never think the way they think.

[Theo Vaughn]

No, they're the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude.

[Theo Vaughn]

Tim Dillon is so original, it's unbelievable.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is my favorite gossip in the world.

[Theo Vaughn]

He had this bit about the other day on. On. It was a social reel. And it was like, about the fires and how somebody hired private security to protect their private firemen, to protect their ice cream shop or whatever. I was like, all these places are Burning. But the Maui peach sorbet was saved.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or whatever. You were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to make it fancy. The Maui peach sorbet.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. I think if you do this, you're.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doing this all the time. Like, you're selling fancy to me.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, I think I was trying to think of something fancy, and this helped me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know. This. This little movement right here. Just like, hey, do you guys want to go to dinner? It's really nice. Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're gonna like it. I put sprinkles on it.

[Theo Vaughn]

That's like, who had that joke? If you call something Mexican in front of it, it just makes it so much better, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Oh, wait, that's not what I thought.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, really? Oh, you thought worse.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was at a. You know, the Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica. Beer?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The lady comes up to me, my buddy Eddie, and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot chocolates? And we're like, oh, no, thank you. Will you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down, and shit in our mouths? No, thanks. I think we'll pass. Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking. Like, when you want a Mexican blowjob, you're like, hold on. What are we doing here? Like, it's like the donkey show. Do you ever see a donkey show?

[Theo Vaughn]

I never saw it. I don't want to get involved with that. Have a good relationship with the outdoor. Outdoor animals. I don't want to get like that. Yeah, this is. This clip right here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I love that. He's.

[Theo Vaughn]

You can play it from right there. It's fun. That little Palisades Village. I'm glad it's still there. I am. I'm glad that guy brought in his own water and was like, yeah, we're.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're not losing.

[Theo Vaughn]

What's the McConnell's. We're not losing that ice cream place.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's people burning alive in the street. He's like, yeah, we're not losing McColl's. What are you nuts?

[Theo Vaughn]

It's a good ice cream. Santa Barbara strawberry is a great flavor.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you nuts? What's that other sushi place?

[Theo Vaughn]

Is it blue ribbon?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's good. Yeah. Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

The.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just hilarious to be a billionaire. And they go, we're bringing in water, and we're bringing in our own firefighters. And then the firefighters show up. They're like, all right, who do we save? And you're like, what?

[Theo Vaughn]

Get. Get the. In front of Blue ribbon Sushi. Right. Now you have your mind, you piece of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who do we save?

[Theo Vaughn]

The tiger roll. That's a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get in front of Blue R. That's good. I. What impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by himself for one hour.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Once a week.

[Theo Vaughn]

Have you ever tried that for one hour every day? No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever? No. Once a week. He does his show once a week.

[Theo Vaughn]

And, Yeah, I did that for years, I think, didn't I? Yeah. He was solo for the first couple years, just him talking. And then my brain, I ran out of anything I don't even know now of just like a thoroughfare for other people's. And I suck. It used to be I used to have some of my own ideas. Now it's just nuts, you know, I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Think you still have your own ideas. You know, I always say to people. I always say to people, hey, wait, were you. You're using drugs? When we did that fraternity pilot.

[Theo Vaughn]

Let me think. Oh, remember that thing, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I tried to buy it.

[Theo Vaughn]

That pilot, huh? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I think Bonnet. Murray's collapsed, right?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I think. Yeah. I don't know what happened. Yeah. Because the pilot was what it was. Three guys were going back to college. It was kind of based on old school. Old school.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it was called Old school.

[Theo Vaughn]

Three guys were going back to college. Was that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no. Me, you, and Brett Ernst were starting a fraternity. Starting a fraternity for people out of college.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, man, we did not think that through. No, we just put it in fucking Craigslist, right?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Remember that one guy finally kissed that hook or whatever and his glasses steamed up? Remember Ernie? Remember that guy?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, a couple of those guys. Hold on. You're underselling. You're underselling what we did have. We talk. Hold on. So it was. I'm just gonna set the scene because this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of.

[Theo Vaughn]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me, you, and Brett Ernst.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were the hosts and executive producers. So if you don't remember that, I.

[Theo Vaughn]

Don'T think I got that good of a deal. But let's keep going.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it might have. If I'm not mistaken, I think I was. I might have been the one that was like. Because I had, like, headsets in and I was talking to producers, and it was all our ideas. So we were like, all right, we're gonna get these out. Put in Craigslist. We'll get a fucking party bus put in Craigslist. If we get anyone that applies, we'll take them we had no fucking background checks. None. Do you remember that?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I remember. Remember that one guy showed up, he was. Oh, well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah, he had PTSD and he'd wake up in the middle of night and marine crawl around the fucking house to check the perimeter.

[Theo Vaughn]

I do remember that guy, the little.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guy that didn't speak English threw up in the fucking. In the garbage can and we couldn't get him out.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, that guy was a ninja. Remember he was a full time ninja, he said. And we're like, where?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was a full time fucking ninja?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then there was the guy you champion were trying to get a lade he made out with check esteem. Get. Dude, dude. One dude cheated on his wife and he was like, I think I just ruined my life. And we're like. And so hold on, hold on. This is the best is we wanted to throw a party for them, but we didn't know how to get chicks. So we just hired prostitutes.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yes, we hired real prostitutes, dude. And that white guy, everyone was getting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Laid, but it was because we paid for this. Everyone's like, this is great. Do you remember our band? Do you remember the band the.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, is it. Was it that all female band with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tape over their nipples and their pussies?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Harlow, wasn't that their name?

[Bert Kreischer]

You remember their name?

[Theo Vaughn]

I think that was them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Google them, Harlow. They. They would. They had Jack Daniels and pillows and they created a pillow flight feather feathers went everywhere and they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths. Yeah, that's how the pilot opened. My name's Bert Kreisler. Me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity. It's going to get wild. And the girl spit vodka in my mouth. And I was like, I'm married with two kids, dude. That was. Is that.

[Theo Vaughn]

I don't know if that was them. Harlow was a girl band. I thought, oh, that's them.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's them.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, dude, they were.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, they were killer.

[Theo Vaughn]

They were hot too, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember the. I remember the executive producer came out to the pool. All the prostitutes are naked. They're all in the pool. I'm in the pool with. In pajamas. And everyone's. And the producer, one of the executive producer goes, I can't use any of this. I remember the sound guy was like, hey, you want to hear something? I was like, what's that? And he grabs the headsets and he takes them off. He goes, put them on. I go, what is that? And he goes, someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom. Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, dude, I hope it was me. Dude, I'm trying to remember what happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were you using drugs at the time?

[Theo Vaughn]

I don't know. I hope I was. It sounds like it was a fudgeing blast.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I don't know if I.

[Theo Vaughn]

Needed drugs at the time. That sounds amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

The guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean we fudgeing beat up those lesbians. It was the fucking wildest show ever.

[Theo Vaughn]

One of them fucking asked for it.

[Bert Kreischer]

One of. The big one.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

For it. Yes.

[Theo Vaughn]

The little one. Sure. A victim.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll say that that was the greatest pilot I've ever been a part of.

[Theo Vaughn]

God, about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's when. That's when. I mean like every.

[Theo Vaughn]

We showed up at some guys at a place. We stole that fudgeing. Go put him on that bus and he started shitting in the back of the bus. And the only person that would go back there and care for him, it was some like. He was like a third generation veterinarian or something. That one really white kid.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

And people kept giving it beer and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stuff and we stole the wrong goat.

[Theo Vaughn]

We did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. We had. We had an address that we were going to pull over and we had already arranged to take their goat and give it back to them like production wise. So we pulled over to piss and the fucking Irish kid. Do you remember the Irish kid? Is his name Killian?

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I think he was a comic.

[Theo Vaughn]

Killian. No, Killian is just the name of a beer.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought that was his name.

[Theo Vaughn]

Seamus.

[Bert Kreischer]

Seamus. Seamus.

[Theo Vaughn]

It wasn't him. It was a fellow named Seamus. I think he probably passed. I don't know if he passed a couple of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of those guys are dead.

[Theo Vaughn]

Seamus O'Farrell, is that him?

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of guys that were in that pilot died.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I was in this Facebook group with them and like the big guy or like the big guy, he passed him. He had two kids.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, did he?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he was a.

[Theo Vaughn]

Two lunches too. I remember that. He. He did not make it that long. I was like, dude, you can't have two lunches. Because you would have lunch and then wait a little while and pretend like he hadn't had lunch.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember he's like, wait, are they serving? Yeah, yeah. What are they serving? Like you just ate it.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, dude. It was just that reverse. He would use reverse psychology with his own stomach or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, that was the funnest. Like I always say God about that. That was like. It's like, you know when you, you know when you discover someone, like when. Like, I'm thinking of. The best example is, like, Cam Patterson, right? Like, my. My wife's friends, their kids are in high school, and they came to one of my shows and they're like, have you seen Cam Patterson? At the time, I hadn't. And then I was like, no. And then I watched some of his clips, and I discovered him, and I was like, oh, he's funny. Yeah, that moment. We all have it for comics. And I've heard. I've heard for a very long time, watch people discover you when they go, dude, do you know Theo Vaughn? But I had to discover you, too. Like, right? I got to find that you were funny, too, right? And I always say it was that fucking pilot where I just kept watching you, just like. Like everything you were saying was, like, so fucking funny. That and. Oh, no, that and reality buys back. I've always said that. Like that finale. Theo, you were the single funniest human being I'd ever been around in my life.

[Theo Vaughn]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. You were dropping dimes when we were all sitting in the bleachers. I was crying, laughing. I've never laughed harder in my life where I was like, this guy. Everything you said was hysterical. And you're in a room full of killers.

[Theo Vaughn]

Killers in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, killers.

[Theo Vaughn]

It was so much fun. Look at Schumer looking vibey right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember when Donnell. We were in the car and Donnell said to Mo Mandel, Because Mo. Mo is like, I love Mo. I love Mo. I'm not on Mo, but Mo was younger than everyone, so he's, like, trying, like. Oh, yeah, he was trying the whole time.

[Theo Vaughn]

It's that energy you do when you're young, too. You get put in a place. You try to. Yeah, you try.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he goes. Donnell's in front of the van. He goes, mo, has anyone ever told you you're funny? And Mo goes, of course. And he goes, name one person. And Mo goes, my mom. And we felt. Out of the van. Donnell goes, your mom doesn't count, Mo, your mom doesn't count. Oh, God, dude.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, there's my boy right there. He just had his second child.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think he's selling TV shows. He's doing great.

[Theo Vaughn]

Mo's a creative dude, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a very creative dude. Look at Schumer. Holy. Yep. And I have a goatee because if I don't, it looks like my real chin has balls. Look at you, how hard my voice is. Start laughing. It looks like I'm teabagging my shirt.

[Theo Vaughn]

My Name is Theo Vaughn. And $50,000 would mean that I could get out of debt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen to our voices.

[Theo Vaughn]

Down payment on a better apartment or an apartment in general.

[Bert Kreischer]

The most like 80 year old black man in their picture. Wow, look at you. Part of my career. Build a PE house.

[Theo Vaughn]

Border patrol agents better watch out. We've been throwing some. That's when we threw those Mexican Cabbage Patch Kids. They dyed the Mexican because they weren't they. The Mexican ones have been discontinued or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Or cab. How do you say cabbage in Spanish?

[Bert Kreischer]

Cabage.

[Theo Vaughn]

So we had these cabbage ninos, right. And we're just like, you have to throw 50 of them over this fence. Like it was going to be hard for adult men to do that, bro. We were humming those bitches over there. And remember China showed up. She was the wrestling woman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

She was all geeked up on pills or something. And she, she was supposed to, as they went over the fence, somebody to shoot them down with like a. Some sort of a paintball gun or something. I was like, what are we doing? Do you like winning real money? If you're a basketball, baseball or sports fan, then check out the Pick Six app from DraftKings. When it comes to basketball payouts, DraftKings pick six dunks on all the other apps. I've used them all and have found that I have had the best luck winning with Pick six. So this is my new go to app. It's super simple to get started. You select two or more players and choose if they'll have more or less of a certain stat like points, rebounds, three pointers and more. For instance, you can pick Luca Doncic to have more than 24 points and Chris Paul to have less than 7.5 assists. Track your picks for a shot at huge cash prizes. That's all there is to it. Pick six is available in most states, including California, Texas, Georgia, Missouri and others. Don't settle for a smaller payout. Switch to pick 6 and cash in on your basketball knowledge. New players get 50 bucks in pick six credits instantly on just a $5 entry. The fun of the basketball season continues with the most fun way to play fantasy sports. Pick six from DraftKings. Download the DraftKings Pick Six app now and use Code Theo. That's Code Theo for new customers to play $5 and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Better payouts, bigger wins only with Pick 6 from DraftKings, the crown is yours.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER help is.

[Theo Vaughn]

Available for problem gambling, call 888-789-7777 or.

[Bert Kreischer]

Visit ccpg.org in ConnectIC 18 and over age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick 6 not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void were prohibited 1 per new customer.

[Theo Vaughn]

Bonus awarded as non withdrawable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pick 6 credits that expire in 14 days.

[Theo Vaughn]

Limited time offer. See [e-mail] promos all right folks, if you're like me, you've probably had a little itch for bitcoin recently or you've been wanting to dip your toes into that crypto pond. Well, if that's the case, then listen up. I want to introduce you to Moonpay, the smoothest, easiest way to buy or sell crypto. No need to learn some secret handshake or barter with a medieval wizard. Just use what you've already got. Credit card, debit, PayPal, hell, even Venmo. That's right. If you've been thinking about stacking some digital coins, Moonpay has got your back. I've had a rocky relationship with crypto. You know that. I've been in, I've been out. I'm that hokey pokey bitcoin bad boy I am. I sold it all a few times. I thought it was over for good, but like a boomerang, I'm back. Thanks to Moonpay. Using Moonpay's app is simpler than a one string guitar. And it's available on iPhone and Android, so you can always have Moonpay in your pocket. And if you're wondering is Moonpay safe? Well, their security is tighter than a pair of church pants on a center. And their support team, who they're an all gender brassiere, baby. They will hold it down. So if you're looking to jump into crypto, there's no better place than Moonpay. Head over to moonpay.com the or you can access them in any of your favorite crypto wallets such as Exodus, Phantom Metamask, or Trust Wallet. This isn't financial advice. Trading crypto carries risks and you could lose your investment. Moonpay is here to facilitate, not advise.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, the my favorite one. I wish they had video of this. I wish I could find this. Video is we did so youo Think youk Could Dive?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Oh yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you said everyone practiced diving all week and you're like, I'm good. I already know what I'm doing. And you got up to the if I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10 meter or like the 5 meter. It was high as shit. I went up There in a wheelchair. I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart. And you sang to Amelia Earhart. And you got. And you just had them push you off in a wheelchair. And you had not planned that once the front wheels went off that you were going face first and you fucking landed on your stomach so hard came up. That was the fucking. Please tell me you have it. You have it. Oh, shut the fuck up.

[Theo Vaughn]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Theo Vaughn]

Look how young we were. Bird. Look at you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this. This is when all I did was hit on. I hit on Greg.

[Theo Vaughn]

Greg Lou Ganis the whole time.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he got pissed because he found out I was married.

[Theo Vaughn]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You remember? That's why he voted me off. He was like, you don't tease a man.

[Theo Vaughn]

I do remember driving away. Drive. Who's this Was in a Long beach term. We're driving home that day, I'm like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't believe I drove you home.

[Theo Vaughn]

Almost smashed that, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I drove you home. Do you remember? That's right, dude. I picked up everyone in the car. And Schumer goes, I hope none of us get voted off. It's going to be an awkward ride home. And I got voted off. And I drove home and I was like. It was quiet. I was like, so what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think?

[Theo Vaughn]

And we're all going back to work.

[Bert Kreischer]

God. I was not this. Dear Amelia.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

We will come and find you soon. What the.

[Theo Vaughn]

What octave is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off. That's actually Cameron. Watch.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, tell us a little bit about the genesis of the idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look how jacked you are, dude.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, Frank, there's a lot of ladies out there that are missing, and I just wanted to kind of put a tribute out to them. Okay, we gotta find them. You had the ladies.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think you just lost. Hang on. Do you have that whole episode? Yeah, I have the whole series. Okay. Do me a favor.

[Theo Vaughn]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go to me. Getting kicked off. Do you remember this?

[Theo Vaughn]

With Greg Luganis?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember?

[Theo Vaughn]

Did a nude dance for him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you have that?

[Theo Vaughn]

And Greg Louganis is a famous homosexual swimmer.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's. If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive.

[Theo Vaughn]

Is he?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

He said HIV positivity. I saw that bathing suit. I swear to God, I just got rid of that bathing suit. All right. Go to the end when I get voted off. What are you talking about? My wife never made. I just Hit on him. Okay.

[Theo Vaughn]

Your butt is so wide to say that it's time for you to pack your trunks. Thanks so much.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now hit pause for a second. This was the biggest regret of my life. Yeah, like, sometimes you ever do a podcast and you're like, hey, can you guys take that out? I shouldn't have said, oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about, Bobby. And so, like, now I did this, and it. No one laughed. Yeah, no one laughed. Everyone saw it, and it was wildly rolling the dice on it. And I was like, I'm not certain. And I went home and I got in bed with my wife that night, and I didn't know how it was going to be edited. And I go, I might have just ruined my career. I might have destroyed my career. Career. I might have made it because I was telling everyone I was on this show at my daughter's preschool. I was like, they're gonna watch this.

[Theo Vaughn]

That's insane to do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was. Everyone was famous, and I was trying to, like, keep up with the Joneses.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I'm on a new show.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, yeah, I'm on a TV show. Whatever. Hit play. Have you seen this? Oh, my God. All right. Biggest regret.

[Theo Vaughn]

Wow, Bird, were you fully naked?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Had a great time, Michael. I'll never forget this. Yeah, fully naked. Big.

[Theo Vaughn]

And does Michael prefer man or he prefers women?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's married. Michael, I think, was being, like, honest, like, this is a bad idea. Another set of bad decisions in my life, Michael. This one might be the worst of all. They don't stop coming.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, my.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at it as going away.

[Theo Vaughn]

If I look at it, I will turn to stone.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you will. Maybe part of you will, but not all of you.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, my God. That was incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. I thought. I thought I ruined. I thought I ruined. Ruined my career. Ruined it.

[Theo Vaughn]

And what kind of pecker you got on you there? You can't really. They got it blurred out or whatever. Just so. So we can.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not big at all. Okay, I'm going to show you to you right now, and you'll. It's probably the exact same size. Do you remember we took a bath with Lunel, dude?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me. You read Grant me. You Red Grant took a bath for mayor of Baltimore.

[Theo Vaughn]

You know that? Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll tell this story.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember Lunel had two bathing suits on?

[Theo Vaughn]

Did she really?

[Bert Kreischer]

And she took one off. She goes, boys, where are your bathing suits? And then we took ours off. And then she got out of the bath, and we were all Naked. And she took our bathing suits.

[Theo Vaughn]

God, I don't remember that. I remember. I think Kyle's mom gave me or somebody gave somebody. I don't remember what happened. Somebody came, one of us came or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kyle's mom.

[Theo Vaughn]

I remember that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kyle's mom was a hired stripper.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just we're clear. Kyle's real mom's dead.

[Theo Vaughn]

Cow's real mom passed away.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's why they got brought in. The stripper.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, damn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, yeah, I remember meeting your mom and I was like, oh, his mom looks like she could make dream catchers in northern. In New Mexico.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

My mom looks like she tells on black people that walk out of the store with all this from Rite Aid.

[Theo Vaughn]

Dude, that show is so wild. And it was like, bro, they paid us. It was pretty. It was fun. You got to be around other comedians. Tiffany Haddish was on there. Donnell Rawlings.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Remember Javier George? That one comedian left. He left the first day. Remember George?

[Bert Kreischer]

Jeff Garcia.

[Theo Vaughn]

Jeff Garcia left.

[Bert Kreischer]

Garcia. Don't play that. I do not need to see that. No, hang on. I actually. That makes. I have nightmares about that, you know, where you. We know you've done something and you're like, oh, ah, why did I do that? Oh, yeah, that moment. Oh, that makes my skin crawl.

[Theo Vaughn]

And this is when you made a promise to your mom in the dark or whatever they said.

[Bert Kreischer]

They said you're gonna bring you in, you're gonna seduce somebody. And. And the more. The more you turn them on, the better you win. And they brought it in, and it.

[Theo Vaughn]

Was our moms and I in the dark.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the dark. And I told her what I do to her. Giving her oral sex. I think about that because I was honest. I was honest.

[Theo Vaughn]

Theo, that's illegal, too, to do that to your mother?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think so. Theo did the Native American Warbler.

[Theo Vaughn]

I did. Let's make this plan happen. Whoa, Mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Theo Vaughn]

I was scared. Let me say seduction. The first thing you have to know is the Native American Warbler. Serious panty dropper. Let's make this plane happy. Whoa, mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were so good at this. You were so good at this.

[Theo Vaughn]

Was this. What was it again?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you were so good at the whole fucking game. Like, it got in my head and I would get panicked and I said I needed the money, and you were just fucking chill.

[Theo Vaughn]

And I was probably on steroids, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

You might have been. You look pretty jacked in this.

[Theo Vaughn]

I might have been on performance enhancing drugs.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ever taken steroids?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, dude, you know. Yeah, they just had a new did you see that? A new Steroid Olympics was coming up. But that show was before its time. They should put the show back on there. If they didn't, I don't understand. They. After that, they fucked up, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I could not agree more.

[Theo Vaughn]

They fucked up.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, here's where they fucked up. This is where they fucked up. They should. We should buy that. Me. You don't. People with a little money. We should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it. Because that is. We could do one season. We could do five seasons out of just outtakes. I mean, the shit we weren't allowed to say. Do you remember Mew and Red? We're in a pool with Amy Schumer and she goes, what are we going to do now? And I was like, why don't we play Leaky Submarine? She goes, what's that? And I go, well, you're the leaky Submarine, and we got to plug up all your holes. And everyone's like, can't use that. And I was like, why? It's fucking funny. Like, dude, the outtakes we did just there, I'm telling you, that finale you had, it was me, Chris Fairbanks, I think Schumer, Red Grant and Donnell were in a cluster, and we were crying, laughing at you for one hour straight. You were just. They would say something and you just. Honest, Theo, like, the person you are today was there that day, and you were stream of consciousness. And we were as my. Well, I've never laughed harder.

[Theo Vaughn]

Damn, that was so much fun. Look at me and Amy right there. God, and she had a boyfriend. I think she was in love with some guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I always thought you guys had sex.

[Theo Vaughn]

You know, I always thought we did. But, dude, speaking of, what else were you talking about a second ago?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Theo Vaughn]

The Steroid Games. Oh, yeah. Did you see that Donald Trump Jr. Or some group is starting steroid the enhanced games. Donald Jr. President Donald Trump's eldest son, Donald Trump Jr. Is the latest to invest in the Enhanced Games, which critics call the Steroid Olympics.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd invest just. I mean, listen, steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding, and bodybuilding's pretty. You ever seen natural bodybuilding? The answer is no. Yeah. You're like, okay, it's pretty boring. You look at real bodybuilding and you're like, yeah, get. That's what I want to look at.

[Theo Vaughn]

Get on that gas, dude. Oh, I remember doing that, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

What did you take?

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, I took.

[Bert Kreischer]

Deca.

[Theo Vaughn]

I took deca. Yeah. Deca. Wind Straw, I think. I don't know if I ever got some Winstroke, got whatever week I could get a hold of. Test 200.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Test 200. Test 400. Tests. There was some. I think we. Somebody. We would go on spring break, we'd go get it, but somebody. People would always sneak it back in, like, shampoo bottles. They would buy a bunch of steroids about pouring in shampoo bottles. So it had like this kind of like. Like soapy, soapy aftertaste. Like you'd be doing curls, but then you'd, like belch a soap bubble or whatever. Like, it was. It was really like every time you, like. Like if you lifted up your arms, it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you'd sweat, it would just be soapy.

[Theo Vaughn]

It would smell like lavender or whatever. Like it was a real hybrid at the time. A hybrid type of chemical we're using. And that was one thing. I was tough about it, but it was fun using stories because. And I shouldn't say that. I mean, it was definitely. Also had side effects.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, don't. Don't buy. Anyway, everyone makes their own choices in life. Look, I'm on testosterone out the gills right now.

[Theo Vaughn]

Are you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you shitting me? Dude, I love it. My jerk off. Every morning. I jerk off every. If I don't have sex with my wife, my dick's hard and I'm. I'm turned on every morning when I wake up, but thinking about my wife, but I'm. If she's not there. Like today I jerked off. She was at the gym working out, and I was like. Or at her trainer or whatever, and I was like, I'm jerk off. Yeah, I. Dude, it's awesome. I feel alive. I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm healthier than I've ever been. I do my liver numbers. That's all. Every damage I've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone is reparative to liver cells. Yes. It's awesome.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, are you. I mean, are you still fat or whatever then?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. Obese, Morbid.

[Theo Vaughn]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm morbidly obese. Okay.

[Theo Vaughn]

I just want to make sure you still, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Sticking with this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I only work out. I only work out so I can party. Yeah, that's it. The only reason I work out is so tonight if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of rose. I go, fuck, yeah. Because I know. I was in the gym this morning, hard as shit. I'm going to be in the gym tomorrow, hard as shit.

[Theo Vaughn]

You look great.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel. Feel. I feel phenomenal. I mean, I really feel phenomenal. And I will tell you.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone. But I. I'm just. Testosterone has just given me, like, a zest for life, I think. I mean, the downfalls is, like, my face is redder sometimes. So, like, I have to get hair and makeup. Like, my face can get pretty red, but from the testosterone, I think so. That's what someone told me.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, don't you. Don't you lose hair, though? That'd be my concern.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I mean, I don't know. I was gonna get hair transplants. Leanne didn't want me to.

[Theo Vaughn]

Really? I've gotten it before.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, a couple years ago, I got so much stress in the back that my hair started. Got like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your hair looks awesome.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, it's good now it's clean.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you go to Turkey?

[Theo Vaughn]

No, no, I went to. I don't remember where I did. I did it right off of there of Losienega, 50 La Cienega.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

A good doctor, though.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, pretty decent. They take it out of the back and they just put it in the front. It's like just reforestation or whatever, you know, Whenever they, like, take the plants. That's not me. Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your hair. You've always had the thickest guy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Look at this picture.

[Bert Kreischer]

That does kind of look like you a little bit.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, no, that's me. But that's not my head. Is the crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, that is you?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, but it's not my head. I never looked like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought it was.

[Theo Vaughn]

They shaved it or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's my bad.

[Theo Vaughn]

That's so funny, dude. That's crazy, dude. With AI now, it's like anything is possible. What the fuck?

[Bert Kreischer]

That looks wild.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, this is not a before and after. That's the thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Internet. Make that a before and after. Just the buns, hairs, transplants. Because. Because, by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you, and it's fucking hysterical. Like, they. If you type in Bert Kreischer fat, all the pictures have been doctored, and they don't bother me because they're not real. The real ones bothered me. Oh, yeah, the real ones. Well, this is that. Is that really you?

[Theo Vaughn]

This is really me. This is after I got my hair transplant. The. They put all this. They inject all this stuff in your head, but it starts to come down your face. It's like pain Reducers or whatever. So at some point you look like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh my God, you look like the guy from Ghostbusters through too. Holy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Dude. I look like I did a lot of cocaine that was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Could you do, could you do pills? Those pain pills?

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, I don't know if you could take ibuprofen. I think there was something you could take.

[Bert Kreischer]

Could you take like pain pills? Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

They give you two pain pills right when you go in there and then they lay you down and you can watch different television shows. My place, it was a lot of Indian entertainment that they had in there. So it was like the shows were Bollywood.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to do that, dude. There's one type in Bollywood motorcycle motorcycle dance. There's. I was so for a promo, I wanted to recreate this and I was gonna fly to Bollywood.

[Theo Vaughn]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And do my promo in Bollywood, dude. Money goes pretty far in Bollywood. So I could pay like 10 grand to get a full fucking production. Bollywood motorcycle dance. That's it. I bet that's it. Bollywood music video guy comes off a motorcycle. These are awesome, dude. And I was like, I'll learn the dance, I'll get all the people. You gotta find the. Nevermind Internet.

[Theo Vaughn]

But look at this. This probably costs $40.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just look at these dances. They're so beautiful.

[Theo Vaughn]

It's a whole movie. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know why we don't have more of that. I guess they tried it in Joker and it didn't work.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, they linge. They have a lot more joy of like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love this. I bet I could do this dance pretty easy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, they. Oh, this is a lot of people. These people end up working at Disney World.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think they have a Bali. Bali Disney. Bollywood. Disney, yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Do they have a Disneyland in India? They have to, huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I mean, I went out to dinner with a couple and they're good. And they go, did you, Leanne? And I just went to Paris and they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris? And I was like, no. And they're like, why not? And I was like, so fucking grown up. And they're like, oh, it's. We went, it's so awesome. And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you instead.

[Theo Vaughn]

Of going to the real parish, you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no. You know, they went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris. Oh, as opposed to just being in Paris, they went to Disney in Paris.

[Theo Vaughn]

Like, why go all the way there?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the same fucking Disney. Go to Orlando, get. Save some Fucking money. Stay here. Stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day. They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse, who, by the way, just as Mickey Mouse. It's the same fucking Mickey Mouse. They're like, it was amazing. Can you imagine?

[Theo Vaughn]

No, I can't imagine. But then sometimes, actually I went to China one time or somewhere and I had to get McDonald's because.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fine. That's totally fine. That's like, hey, man, this is my culture. I want to see how you represent my culture.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, but going to see Mickey, you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go to Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse. Good.

[Theo Vaughn]

Come on.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the fuck are we talking about? God damn it. Yeah, I don't. I listen, when I travel, I like to do. I like to. I like to. I don't want to get up and crack it on and do a ton of shit. I want to sleep in. I want to wake up, I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, couple beers, keep walking around. And then at a certain hour I go, let's start bar hopping around the city. That's the fun way to do it. And then a nice big dinner, close it out at like 2 in the morning, know you can sleep in the next day, wake up, go for a jog. That's what I'm talking about. You will not find me at fucking Paris. Disney.

[Theo Vaughn]

Damn. You heard it right there. Disney. You heard it. Don't even come after him, do you? Oh, I want to talk about that steroid Olympics a little bit. Go back to it because I'm just curious about this.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is going to be awesome, dude.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, I'm just intrigued. I think we're going to start seeing more. I've long wanted to do a game show of, like, stereotypes versus each other, right? Like, there's like Family Feud. It's like the Ronsons versus the Hamiltons, right? But I want to see, like, the gays versus the Yiddish or whatever, you know? Like, I want to see, like, dark blacks, verse. Bakers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I. Can I soft pitch you more ideas within the same context?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What if, right, you don't know what the other team you're playing against is. And in playing the game, you got to guess what they are. So, like, they're all their answers are one way. So you're like, where's the best place to vacation? And you hear a bunch of people go, you're the team you're playing against. Said Jamaica.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then the other.

[Theo Vaughn]

Birmingham.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then. And then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible, but try to guess who the other people are. Okay. Never mind. Bad pitch. Because you could just lie and misdirect people. Keep going.

[Theo Vaughn]

But maybe that's part of. There could be a strategy in there that. That's how you do it. But I would love to see the stereotype games. I think that that's where we're definitely headed. Stereotype games like asshole kids, like ADHD kids, verse or whatever, you know, that's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, that would probably.

[Theo Vaughn]

We got to take that one out.

[Bert Kreischer]

But ADH kids versus autistic kids. Yes, that would be great, dude. And autistic kids don't need to talk. They do mental telepathy. Yeah, they don't talk anymore. They just. Just saw a documentary on that. Google it. And. And you put the two of them against each other. It'd be great.

[Theo Vaughn]

Great. But I think there's a lot of, like, kids suffering from smallpox verse. Fat kids or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

What about this game show? Okay, it's. It's you. What you get. Okay, that's the name of the pitch. So a guy goes up. Okay, like, we bring up Theo Vaughn, and you have a room full of 100 women. And you go, guys, ladies, on your. By your chair you'll see a little panel. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate Theo Vaughn, you present yourself. My name's Theo. I grew up in Louisiana. I'm a stand up comedian. I have a podcast. I'm, you know, I'm on tour. I'm interested in.

[Theo Vaughn]

Born in March.

[Bert Kreischer]

Born in March. Yeah. Give him your sign.

[Theo Vaughn]

My birthday comes out the day after your special.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does I like to. For real?

[Theo Vaughn]

March 19th.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Theo Vaughn]

You said March 18th. It is. Yeah, yeah, March 18th. March 19th.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And then your ladies rate him on what you think. And so they go, theo Vaughn is an 8. And you go, cool. Now, Theo has already pre rated every single one of you. So look back at your panel and see what number you are. And they look and they're like, shit, I'm a six. He goes, everyone below an eight, get the fuck out. So it just thins out the herd. And you're like, all right, you are what Theo's willing to fuck. Now, Theo, this is the group of eights that think they're your equal. You can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a 10. And if you. If you pick the 10, you've got to go to Paris, Disney. That's your vacation. You gotta go to Paris Disney. But if you pick the eight, we're gonna send you to Bali and you're gonna be on the beach all week. You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest out of your league. You can't get her by number standards. You can't get her. And then you take the two of them on the date and you pick who they are. What do you think? What do you think? I just like the idea of rating people.

[Theo Vaughn]

I'd go ball. I'd go with an 8 to Bali.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go with an 8 to Bali, too. I did with a 6 to Bali.

[Theo Vaughn]

Did you really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I would more my wife, but I don't know. She's like, more like a six and a half.

[Theo Vaughn]

Is she?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think so. I think she's getting prettier the older she gets.

[Theo Vaughn]

You know what? I thought that the other day. I didn't think like that. I just thought, oh, Leanne looks so pretty. That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, what? Can I do A secret time?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The. One of my favorite things in the world. I don't know if you did it on purpose or. I don't know how it came out, but I. I've said. I've said it a number of times. She did her live podcast out of Zany's, and you came by to say hi and support her.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she called me bawling, crying. She goes, you know. She goes, that. I was so nervous, and I was so. You know, I feel like I'm in a different space and I'm doing my podcast and it. You know, and. And she goes, baby, I was. I just. I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or something. She called crying. She goes, theo came. And I went, what? She goes, theo came. She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself, because they're real people. She goes, theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support. And I was. I got emotional telling it because I was like. I was like, that's what you want. You want to surround yourself with people that care about you, and it's just not about a business.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. But thank you for doing that. That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course you did. That's who you are.

[Theo Vaughn]

Sometimes you forget things. You do.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it. You found it. God, you're good. Can I hire your team? Sure.

[Theo Vaughn]

It only took him 11 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this, look at this. Promo video for my new tour. Coming right. Do this in Bollywood. Watch this guy. Watch this guy. He's good. Theo.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, my God. Turkish hairlines.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this. Look at this. Deal. How great is this?

[Theo Vaughn]

So good. God, I would have been the best Indian.

[Bert Kreischer]

You would have your hair. That wind blowing in your hair.

[Theo Vaughn]

And I think just my attitude. I would have had a good time over there.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think so?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Theo, you would have never left your cast system. Are you going to AI? Theo's facing it.

[Theo Vaughn]

I was gonna do you, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do me, do me, do me, do me. Yeah, please do. Hey, wait. Think about this.

[Theo Vaughn]

Looks like this is an AI.

[Bert Kreischer]

You would have never left your nose. Just Indians.

[Theo Vaughn]

I would have found a way out.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't. That's India.

[Theo Vaughn]

I would have found a way. No, that's our movie, dude. Cast travelers or something. Or cast time casters. Time casters. You know, I like to save money. I do. I like to make money and I like to keep it and put it somewhere safe. I don't like taking a ton of risks. I don't like a. I don't like a lot of uncertainty. And that's why I do like Acorns. I've really come to admire this company. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. Acorns is a financial wellness app that makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future. You don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that matches you and your money goals. You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now, even if all you've got is spare change. I'll tell you point blank that I've opened up Acorns accounts for my nieces and nephews and I just admire the way that they do it. I admire their outlook on finances. You can sign up now and join the over 13 million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $24 billion with Acorns. Plus Acorns will boost your new account with a $20 bonus investment offer available at acorns.com the that's a C O R-N-S.com theo to get your $20 bonus investment today. A non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier 4 compensation provided investing involves risks. Acorn Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important [e-mail] the before we used Shopify, it was bonkers. It was bonkers. We had that old register system where you were filling it all out and giving it to your niece to run to the mailbox and she didn't know how to use stamps. And ah, it was a nightmare. But now we've got Shopify. That helps our merch store run smoothly. You can upgrade your business and get the same checkout we use with Shopify. That's the truth. Because nobody does selling better than Shopify. Home of the number one checkout on the planet. Businesses that sell more, sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Alo uses. You've heard of them or all birds? You've heard of them. They use Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com the all lowercase go to shopify.com the o to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com Theo, what does the future hold for your business? Well, if you ask nine experts, you'll get 10 answers. Bull market, bear market, raccoon market. Rates will rise or fall. Inflation's up, inflation's down. Can someone please invent a crystal ball? Until then, over 41,000 businesses have future proofed their business with NetSuite by Oracle, the number one cloud ERP bringing accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one fluid platform. I admire this type of software that helps you keep things together, makes things easier, and lets you spend more time focusing on what's truly important to you. If I had needed this product, it's what I'd use. And maybe someday we will. Whether your company is earning millions or even hundreds of millions. Wow. Net Suite helps you respond to immediate challenges and seize your biggest opportunities. Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO's Guide to AI and Machine Learning at netsuite.com the guide is free to you at netsuite.com Theo. That's right. Netsuite.com Theo, are you gonna do more movies?

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you like it?

[Theo Vaughn]

We're making our movie right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just made it.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, we've got still five days left.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know that.

[Theo Vaughn]

I don't know. We'll see. I am happy that we did it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I ask you an honest question?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. 100.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is why I don't do. I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects because I noticed that I have, for lack of a better word, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And I don't. I'm not good at it. So, like, I did something for someone one Time. And the whole time I just. In my head I was like, I'm wasting my life. I'm wasting my life. I'm in fucking makeup and no one's treating me with respect. And I. And I'm fucking. And I was like, I'm just sitting in the goddamn trailer waiting for some 18 year old to come and tell me it's time. And I can't walk around. And I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life. And a friend of mine said, just giving you a heads up, notice this in yourself and do and get. Don't allow yourself in that situation. She'll get a bad rap. It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude is that they.

[Theo Vaughn]

Didn'T like Lively or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. But I. I'm team Blake Lively. I like her, I think.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. I don't. I don't even know what happened. It just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

But like, but did you. In doing it, did you. Because I know how internal you are and I know how like kind of pensive you are. Did you. Were there parts of it, you're like, okay, if I do this again, I'm not doing that, or.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, for sure. I think there's some of that I'm still learning. Yeah. Like, there's just like certain, like, ways to like, do the script differently, to like certain have less scripts. We'd have more time to shoot certain scenes. Like, that's one thing. It's like we just kind of run out of time, you know, so it's like we can't, you know, so, you know, you can only get so much coverages or whatever. What else? I don't know if I would ever do the acting again. I would like to do the producing or writing, but I do. I only like to. I'm the same. I just only want to do things that, that I am in control of. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Theo Vaughn]

Because for me, it's just. I don't want somebody else to have control of how I look or seem. I don't want somebody else to have a say. I don't want anybody have any ownership over my voice. That's it for me. It's like when I was a kid, I felt like I didn't have. I couldn't speak up for myself or something like that. I don't know what it is, but internally, somewhere in there, that's what it is for me. So it's like I don't want to have to say anybody else's Lines. I just want to do what I want to do. And if I live or die on that, then that's fine, but at least it's just me, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something they want. They want you to come in and do something, and then they're like, try to, like, script it for you a little bit? Like, my example is like, they'll be like, you're taking shirt off, right? And I was like, I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I don't know. It's fucking 10 degrees out here. And they're like, okay. But it's coming off, though, right? It's like, maybe you just come in and rip your shirt off and be like, kill a beer. And I'm like, why? I also talk. Yeah, but it's like, it's. Sometimes you get. If. Especially if you get a little big, you get kind of typecast as a producer. They go like. So you'll just like, they did it today and were like, he's just coming like a hurricane, like, with his hands going up like this. And he'd be like, ah. And. But there was no. Did they find that happening to you ever?

[Theo Vaughn]

No, I don't do anything. I only do our own stuff. Like, I don't ever do anything that I don't. I don't ever do anything else except for, like, our own things. So me and Spade wrote that movie. I knew that. He's a great actor, one of the funniest guys I know, so he would be able to carry it. I'm like, the second guy who, like, is kind of where this is like a dumb buddy movie. And so I never put myself in a position where somebody have to be like, you have to do something like this, you know, because. Goes back to your reason. I learned I don't do well in that situation. Like, you know, I tried to do a. Chris Pratt had asked me to be in a movie years ago, and I had to leave once I got there, because once I. They didn't give you the script till you got there. And so once I got the script and stuff, I realized, oh, this isn't. It just doesn't fit for me. It doesn't work with who I want to be there.

[Bert Kreischer]

How hard is that to do?

[Theo Vaughn]

To leave?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, it definitely was hard. It was a hard, like, you know, text to send. I sent it all in cap, so they would know I was serious about it or whatever. But, yeah, it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what did the movie come out?

[Theo Vaughn]

Huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

What movie was yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Tomorrow War. Remember that movie, Tomorrow War?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Theo Vaughn]

And when I watched it back, I ended up realizing I made the best choice for myself. It took 12 weeks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, with Tom Cruise?

[Theo Vaughn]

Dude, that's. Damn. Chris Pratt, brother.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Chris Pratt.

[Theo Vaughn]

It's a new. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Huh. The Tomorrow War. What was that about?

[Theo Vaughn]

It's about on Amazon. People went in the past. I can't even remember. It was kind of confusing, but it was great. It was fun. I'm glad that I got to do it. Sorry. I'm glad I didn't get to do it. Jesus. But. But I saw Chris, who ended up playing you just somewhat. They just moved the lines over to some other guy. Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

They didn't.

[Theo Vaughn]

Like, I tried to get Josh Wolf in, and I remember as a substitute, but they just moved the lines over to a different character. But when I watched it back, the guy had two lines, and it would. I would have better be there for 12 weeks. It just wasn't a good fit. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

The first movie I ever had, her friend did. Tom did a movie with Mark Wall. No. Mark Wahlberg.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was there for, like, five weeks. And I was like. I was like, oh, cool. You're so. You're in a lot of scenes. He's like, I'm in, like, two scenes. I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks. He was like, yeah, that's part of making a movie. I was like, well, I'm guess I'm not making a movie. And then I was like, I'm not gonna sit in a hotel for five weeks. You gotta be kidding me.

[Theo Vaughn]

I like, yeah, that was the thing. It was a law. It was a long time. And it was in Atlanta. And also, I didn't know anybody on the set except for Mary Lynn Rice was there. And I'd met only Chris Pratt just through Instagram messages. So I'd never met him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So that's an easy text to send then.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, it was chill. And I actually did call the director, too, and I called him and. And just shared our thought, and they were. They were cool about it, you know? But then there was, like, a thing, like, in Hollywood, like, this guy might back out of your movie. So I was like, I don't fucking care, dude. Like, long as I was cool with Chris, everything was fine. It was fine with me, you know? But that's when I realized, oh, I can't do something if it's not my own thing. And I. I'm not going to be able to say, oh, we're. We're Keeping that, or we're not keeping that, or I don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing, then I just can't do that. For me, it's just how I work, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

When I got back from Serbia, someone had written a part in a TV show for me, and they text me like, yo, I wrote a part for you. And I was like, oh, I'm. Yeah, I'm not gonna do it. He's like, we haven't even read it. And I was like, I know that, but it's not my show.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like, but hold on, hang on. I wrote it for you. And I went, okay. I don't know what to tell you, but I can tell. I can just tell you.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That if I go onto your show, I'm gonna have feelings, and I'm probably not gonna be great, and I'm gonna be in a different city for my family. And I just got back from Serbia, and I kind of want to go on tour, and I kind of want to do my podcast, and I kind of want to, like. I don't want to go on to another set and then play a, you know, fat guy that fucking want to eat, snorts coke or whatever, you know? And so he was like. And I was like, and I'm friends with you. And right now it seems we're friends. Right? Let's just keep the friendship. And then I don't. We don't have to work together.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's funny because it's like, if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite. I would have been like, yeah, yeah, you're my friend. Write a part for me. And now I'm just like, no, please don't write a part for me.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I think it's. I'm trying to think a little bit more about it. I mean, this was like. I just remember thinking, because we wrote it, and then if we. Nobody wanted to direct it, nobody wanted to help us with it, no agent, no producers, would.

[Bert Kreischer]

You kidding? Can wait. For anyone listening. That's how tough Hollywood is right now. Right now, they are not making movies.

[Theo Vaughn]

No, I think they just didn't. And also, like, they don't want. I don't know. If they don't want certain people to have voices, it seemed easier for other people to make movies. Right? I'll say that. But also.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, wait. I know what you're saying.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, yeah, it seemed easier for other people to make movies, but you mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

You mean two CIS gendered, white, privileged males had a hard time Selling a movie in Hollywood. But that's the funniest fucking thing that there's. Because there is semi truth to that. But. But also, we have had opportunities our entire life. But also, it's like, you talk to any fucking writer, any writer in Hollywood who's like 50, a dude who's white, they cannot get a job. Like, they cannot work. And they're. And they lose. And these are all liberals. Yeah. Like, you gotta realize, a Hollywood liberal writer, man, he's fucking storming the Capitol about those goddamn scripts.

[Theo Vaughn]

That's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy. I talked to any of them. They're all like, fucking, dude, Whatever's happening in Hollywood, I was like, you've had a good run.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I think. Well, I just. Then it was like, well, we have to do. It was like. I don't like thinking that if you say, I can't do it, there's a part of me that wants to just show you that I can do it. Right. Like, I don't. I'm not a great actor. Right. I know that, and that's fine with me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't say that. Well, I wouldn't say that because it's not real.

[Theo Vaughn]

I have some moments that are good in this thing, but the therapy movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're awesome.

[Theo Vaughn]

That's sweet of you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

It was easier for me to play, like, a disgruntled person kind of than I think, like a dumb buddy kind of thing. It's. For some reason, I felt like that. But then also, I'm, like, going back and looking at the things, and I'm like. Like thinking of what else needs to be in the scene. Like, my mind's kind of, like, all over the place. But I do think that it's funny. The script is super funny. I'm curious to see how it was shot, how that plays out and stuff, so. And I'm just glad that I think when I look back on my life, you know, I'll be glad that I got to do a movie with David Spade. And.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

And it's like, yeah, we funded ourselves. We did, like, we did it all. It's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it's crazy wild to me, because you guys are. I mean, David is a. David's a legend. David Spade is like. I always think he's a legend. When you look at, like, SNL. Right. Did you watch 50 Years?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I was there.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were there?

[Theo Vaughn]

No, I was there for the 50th. I was there Friday and Saturday night.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. But when you watch it, it's pretty epic. You know, I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50, because you watched a lot of it.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you're. If you're 20 years old, you're like, I don't get why these racist.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Like, where's Timothy Chalamet?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. Where's Timothee Chalamet? How come Pete Davidson not in more sketches? Where's. Where's fucking, you know, chaperone. Chaperone. And. But when you watch it and you're older, you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold. Eddie Murphy doing Tracy Morgan. Did you see that?

[Theo Vaughn]

I saw the skit with Eddie Murphy and Tracy. Black Jeopardy, you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan, who's.

[Theo Vaughn]

So maybe I didn't pick up that. That's what it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, did you see it?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, yeah, I saw this right here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. See the name Tracy underneath it?

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh. Oh, now I get it.

[Bert Kreischer]

What did you think he was doing?

[Theo Vaughn]

I didn't know what he was doing. I just thought he was doing Tracy Chapman or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman. It was. This was my favorite sketch ever.

[Theo Vaughn]

We can't play it because it'll blame it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sorry, but it do that is it. It was great. What was I saying? But David Spade is like, when you look at. So when you look at comedy history, right?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When they, when they talk about comedy history now, it's kind of. It's kind of interesting, I think, because you look back at. At the last 50 years.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And there's only like a handful of names but, but, but legends that'll. Like Belzer. He'll be remembered.

[Theo Vaughn]

Richard Belzer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld. These. Eddie Murphy Bill. Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Carl Labov will be remembered like they're. He was one of the outlaws of comedy. And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics, like, so thick. There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are going to get forgotten and lost in conversation. David Spade will not be lost in conversation. Out of all the SNL people, he. He has had one of the most probably fucking crystal clear, pristine, hysterical. His movies will fucking forever be talked about. Tommy Boy, Black Sheep Meat, Joe Dirt, the fucking all. He's a legend. And to make a movie with him is like, that's the coolest thing you ever. Like you're ever going to get to do.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, that's what I felt like. I was like, I just. I have to do it. And we made it ourselves. It's like, we made it. It's like we don't have anybody telling us what to do. And that's what I realized. I was like, oh, if I. If we say it went in the script and it went in the script and then went on the screen, if I had to go through a beat on a set to go ask somebody for permission to do it that way, then I wouldn't be able to do it. Right. I just. I wouldn't. Like you're saying. I just know it would not react well with me viscerally.

[Bert Kreischer]

And if someone's like, theo, I don't get it. You'd be like, hold on, hang on. I hit dingers. Like. Like what I do is just tell jokes and I'm just funny. So trust me that if I think it's funny, let me just try. And people be like, I don't know.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I couldn't have. Especially, like when you see a lot of the funny. Like. But also I got to see how this thing is, how it looks when it's done. Like, I have no fucking clue. The script is super funny. We put all our own jokes in it. We wrote it for two years. Like, we definitely. So. But I have no clue how it goes from doing the scenes, which are all done out of order, to then it being an actual. You know, how it. Like that. I cannot. My brain can't matric or like, figure all that out. Like. But we had some funny. Like Nate Diaz has a role.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw Nate posted about it today.

[Theo Vaughn]

Tim Dylan has a plays the manager, Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee came in and did it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Patterson.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yep. We got William McCullough, William Montgomery. Montgomery, Casey, Rocket, some of the Kill Tony guys. And there's some others. Some other also, like great actors stuff. But then we also didn't want to overdo it and have everybody. You knew. There's Spady right there and. And Nate Diaz, dude. Hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a picture I saw.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah, that was cool, dude. That was so much fun. And I think I'll look back and be like, man, this thing was. Cost you a ton of money and it wasn't worth it. But, man, you had a good time. That's what I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I. When I did. When I did the Machine the very first night, I was like, I'm not gonna drink.

[Theo Vaughn]

There's Chris Avila right there. That's Nate's buddy. But it's. I mean, it's a real mo. Like, when you're there, you're like, damn, this is a real movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

And I have one thing I got on set was ice bath and sauna.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Theo Vaughn]

There's a portable company, and they have ice bath and sauna, and they bring. And they set it up right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Theo Vaughn]

And that was, like, the one thing, because I knew I was gonna be able to go to a ton of AAA meetings. So I was like, I'm gon have something to, like, hijack my system to, like, help me, so I don't, you know. You know, Or. When was the last time you shot a place up? Never. But it's like, you don't want to get there in front of a bunch of people, you know, Especially around your friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

When was the last. When was the last time you fell off the wagon?

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's. What's it like when you real. Like, the morning after? Is it. Is it, like, shameful or you go like. Like, is it. Because that's the only reason I never quit drinking is I don't want to. I don't want to relapse like that. Like, honestly, my biggest problem with when I quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult because you. You're doing so well, and you're like, I'm feel good. I'm losing weight. I feel happy. Like, well, I don't want to drink. And then you're like, yeah, but I'm on a cruise in champagne. And then the next morning, it's just like the. You. You let everyone down. Although no one's let down because I never quit drinking. Right? So, like.

[Theo Vaughn]

But, like, I see that pressure of letting everybody down.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why. That's my pressure is why I'm. I terrified to quit drinking.

[Theo Vaughn]

You're afraid to quit drinking because you don't want to. Because then if you relapse and you'll have let everybody down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

That's crazy, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought. I thought you were gonna say it was brilliant. No, it's like the same way. Like, you ever see. You ever see someone that loses weight, right?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, I lost, like, £90. You're like, cool. And then they gain it back plus some, and you're like, oh, you should have never tried to lose weight. You should have just stayed that fat. That fat was good for you.

[Theo Vaughn]

Will. You see people losing weight, and suddenly it feels like the person that's been inside them is finally coming out to play or whatever. You start to see that coming to the Surface. Like a fish coming to the surface.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, Sometimes.

[Theo Vaughn]

Sometimes you see that sometimes people lose.

[Bert Kreischer]

Weight and they're like. And you're like, I like to fat.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah. I knew a guy like that. He used to clean the pool over at my friend's house. And one time I was there catching some rays, and he shows up, and I hadn't seen him in forever, and he'd lost 170 pounds or something. This dude comes in and. And he. He's walking around the pool, and I'm like, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Theo Vaughn]

And he kind of looking at me, but he didn't say anything because I knew the fat pool guy. Yeah, I knew him well.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you're looking for the fat pool guy, Ned?

[Theo Vaughn]

No idea. This. I think maybe it's his brother or his son or maybe they got a new guy. I didn't say anything to the dude. So we're out there around each other for, like, 45 minutes, didn't say anything. And then later that evening, I was like, man, you guys got a new pool guy. And they're like, no, that's the same guy. He lost 190 pounds. I was like, isn't that crazy?

[Bert Kreischer]

You can change because when you lose weight, you kind of change your personality.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, when you. Because there's a narcissism. And by the way, I'm Take what I'm. With every grain of salt. There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is going to be their thing. I'm going to get real skinny. I want to get ripped. Like, it's okay to get healthy, but, like, when you go, like. And look, if you're £400, that's not narcissism. That's just getting yourself to the next level. But you can change your personality when you lose weight. What if you could do something? You could change your race. Like, what if you. Like, they're like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black. Wouldn't that be cool? Yeah, just to be like, oh, you eating a lot of blueberries? Like, I'm gonna be black.

[Theo Vaughn]

Like, yeah, we got a game on Thursday. Like, I'm gonna polish off a few before I go into practice. That's what I would do. If blackberries really made you black.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you're eating a lot of matzah. Like, taxes are due in April. You know how it is.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Trying to say, yeah, gonna cut some corn.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's up with the burritos? You're like, oh, my yard's a Mess. I gotta clean that up. Jesus.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, somebody's gotta do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's up with the tuna fish sandwiches? Just trying to improve my credit, that's all. Just want to get my good credit score content.

[Theo Vaughn]

Whoa. What's up with eating? And you're like, ah, I don't know. It's just for fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's up with all those hot dogs?

[Theo Vaughn]

I don't say anything, dude. What about being the first gay dude ever? It must have been crazy. Imagine everybody's straight, right? And you wake up or something happens. You get hit by lightning or whatever, and suddenly you're gay. And you're like, oh, my God. Like, you're just talking to your buddy who you've. Who you've talked to every day for years, and. And you're just, like, thinking, like, I'm gonna stuff his face with some wiener. And you're like, what? And. And then you, like, don't, like, imagine that, because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like, hey, this is gonna seem totally crazy to you guys, but I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

And people were like, yeah, that does sound crazy. Don't tell anyone that. Don't tell anyone that. You're the only one that thinks that.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy. You're like, were you. Were you like. I remember I had a buddy one time, we were at a beach, and he was like, hey, man, can I say something crazy to you that I've never really said to anyone, but I want to run it by you and see if you think it.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, I say no when people say that kind of shit. I fucking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. I said, yes. I said, yeah. We were drinking, we were smoking weed. I was like, run it by me. He goes, there's a thing that everyone says, they don't do that. I do. And I was like, please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. Please be jerking off. I go, okay. And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay. But I do it, and I'm not gay. I just wanted to, like, run it by you and see if you do it. And I said, okay, what's the thing? And he goes, I jerk off. And I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I went, I jerk off, too. I jerk off, too. Oh, my God. I thought I was the only one that jerked off. I thought I was gay because I jerked off. Because that's what they tell you at Catholic school. You don't jerk off. Don't touch yourself. It means you're gay. You want to play with dicks. That was what must be being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like where you're like, oh, my God, I want to suck dick, too.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, God. But how do you let them know? Do you just be like, I would love to see.

[Bert Kreischer]

See that? I would love.

[Theo Vaughn]

I would love Gays in the Wild or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like a Richard Attenborough movie where they're like, okay, we have at that lunch table two gay men.

[Theo Vaughn]

The Memphis homosexual.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And you can watch them kind of feel each other out.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Perusing the whole foods produce section, what.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player, who then is like, you can't tell me I'm gay. I'll beat your fucking ass. And you're like, okay. You know?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, that's like, yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Like, why do I get my ass beat just because you're being gay or whatever. That doesn't make any sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would wish. I wish I could find out. Wouldn't it be cool if, like, on Instagram, I guess you could. But you can find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up.

[Theo Vaughn]

Growing up and apologize to him or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. No, I don't need to apologize. Just to know who they are.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah. To see who they are. Yeah. Dude. I think in the future, you'll be able to know immediately if somebody's gay. My buddy's dad used to get. He'd get, like, the hiccups if people were gay. Isn't that crazy?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, like, like allergic to gay people.

[Theo Vaughn]

No, he would just have, like a. He would just, like, he'd be. And he'd be like. And he.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. Like an allergy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. Like, all of a sudden, if a gay person got too close to me, and you're like, oh, you're like, I hope it's not me. Someone get him a glass of water. Quick. Count to 10 while you drink a 10 sip. Lips.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Stand on your head.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stand on your head. Quick, quick, quick, quick. Either that or you're getting the out of here.

[Theo Vaughn]

Stand on your head or somebody's gay. Dude. It's just so crazy that being gay was always, like, the funniest thing, though, too, to people like, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It still is funny, I think.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's like, it's so different.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I. I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys. I'm sure. I'm sure they do about, like, the way we think. And they're like, oh, yeah, I want all that. Yeah. Oh, my God. Who wants.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, they want that long pussy, that wiener.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, everything. Everything. Like, you ever seen white me? People make fun of black people make fun of white people's texts. It's so good. But, like, the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate, that black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a text, and they think it's crazy. They're like, shut up. Hold on. There was a text, H, O, S, B. And they were like, what do you think they said? It's a black dude reading it. He speaks white. And he goes. They go. And his wife, girlfriend's like, what is hsoob? What would that mean? And he goes, oh, I know what it means. It's. Hold on one damn second, Buddy. And everyone's. And they're like, what? They put buddy on the end of it, and he's like, oh, yeah. And. But, like, they find that funny.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like, everything. Everything. You can find everything funny. Like, I, like, I still think like. Like, I put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time, and I went up to behind Tom and.

[Theo Vaughn]

I went, actual glass. Wine glass. That's very dangerous.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I went up to him behind his shoulder.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I went, cocktail. And he turned around. I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it. It. I love it. I love.

[Theo Vaughn]

I used to do this thing where I would pull my nuts up over my wiener. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not where I thought you were going with that.

[Theo Vaughn]

You're kind of laying on your back, nuts up over your win, and kind of wrap your wiener up so it almost looks like a half. Like a baby head coming out of your body.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Theo Vaughn]

And you'd be like, I'm having a baby, or whatever, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

And. And then people will be like, what the are you doing? You know, kind of run off and hide or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, wait, what the fuck are you doing? We're the library. Where the fuck.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh. Dude. There was nothing more crazy than being at the library when you're a kid. It was basically just like. It was like a couple thousand square feet of you hiding from a lady who's, like, obsessed with Voltaire or whatever. And you and your friends were just in there being loud. There was, like, one other person in a wheelchair in there. It, like, never made any sense. They're just in there, like, in the. They're just like wandering the halls of the old Internet or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, they wanted to teach us the Dewey decimal system so bad when we.

[Theo Vaughn]

Were kids, the library was always ridiculous. I felt like, what was I going to ask you about? Oh, so. Yeah, the. Yeah. I wonder if people would watch the Stairwood Olympics or if it would be too much for people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why not?

[Theo Vaughn]

Because you're going to get people that are going to be risky.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but why even have the regular Olympics?

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, regular Olympics are regular, you know, everybody. The playing field is even.

[Bert Kreischer]

Playing fields. Even when you use drugs.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. I mean, I mean, why? Honestly, like, if you're like, okay, what are you gonna watch? I want to watch high jump. A guy can high jump seven feet and you're like, that's cool. They're like, there's a dude 10ft. You're like, what do you mean? Like over a basketball hoop? Like, yeah, 10ft. It's like crazy. And they light it on fire and you're like, oh, what? Put that one on. It's like. I mean, it's just like. Like supply and demand. What do you want to watch? You know, a guy sprint. Like, sprinting is pretty cool, right? The sprinters are pretty cool. Noah Lyle, Tyreek Hill. I want to watch that head to head. But what if they bring in a guy that's like, oh, he fucking smokes those guys. And you get to see a real blur of a human, just like a cheetah, and you're like, whoa. I mean, physical capabilities. When you see people, it's like the natural bodybuilding versus steroid. Why would you ever put the two together? I want to see the big ones, but.

[Theo Vaughn]

But I just worry about their ramification. Like if somebody's. But I guess if they want to do it, but you're going to blow your body out.

[Bert Kreischer]

How great was baseball when Mark McGuire and Sammy SOS were. How great was baseball to your point? It was so fucking great. And then they ruined it by taking steroids away. And these guys weren't. I mean, look, I don't know what they were doing. I don't know.

[Theo Vaughn]

They were doing steroids.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but I think it was all for recovery. I mean, it wasn't. Wasn't like they were like. I don't think they were doing deck. I think they were doing trt, if I'm not mistaken. I don't remember.

[Theo Vaughn]

I don't really know, but they were pretty jacked. They weren't something. Their heads were growing. That's the thing. It's like, if my head's growing. Your head is.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a size 8 head and now my head. Eight size 8 hats.

[Theo Vaughn]

Because of the TRT, I guess.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, that's the thing, dude. It's like, if you start getting on the drugs, then, like, you're gonna have a lot of forehead monsters out there just wandering around, you know, just. I just wonder what type of intention is jumping into the stands and punching their wife or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Like, you're gonna have, like. Like, just. It's just gonna get pretty intense. Somebody throw the javelin out in the parking lot or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

They. You know, and hit that guy that.

[Theo Vaughn]

Works in the booth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hgh. Human. Okay.

[Theo Vaughn]

That's what human growth hormone is. A crazy one.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy.

[Theo Vaughn]

You show up in. Their hands are bigger and. And they're. They can catch a fish. They can just easily catch a fish.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they don't even. Yeah. Before and after pictures of Barry Bonds is insane.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah, brother.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at him. Look at him.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, it's like, you're not even. It's like. But your skeleton and stuff grows. That's the thing, dude. Or what if. Then they had. They had, like, the fasting games. It's like people that haven't eaten in months or whatever, and they have to play. They have to do the Olympics, and it's just like this. It's like going up two stairs or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

I pitched it for UFC or getting.

[Theo Vaughn]

Out of a blanket fully, but you haven't eaten in, like, months, and you're just so. You have no energy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like that. I want. I want to be more of a.

[Theo Vaughn]

Challenge ASMR type of game.

[Bert Kreischer]

I challenged Israel Adesanya to as a joke, but just was like, I would love to fight him, but we both got to drink 12 beers first. And Izzy was like. I talked to Izzy about it, and he was like, I'm not gonna lie. It'll be an interesting fight. Because he's like, I'm not a big drinker, so I'd be fucking wasted. And I was like, I'm. 12 beers doesn't do anything to me. Like, what if you put Shane Gillis and like. And like. And Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink. But Shane Gillis gonna drink 12 beers and not. Not feel a thing.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. Like, oh, I think it'd be. I think Izzy would beat the Ever living out of both of you guys, to be honest. First of all.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I think so.

[Theo Vaughn]

Difficulty. He's great at it, because it's really just taking both of you Guys, the same which your current levels giving you each 12 years.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, just giving us 12 beers. We haven't increased our.

[Theo Vaughn]

Our level at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're trying to diminish his. But even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fighter.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. So that's a part that would be risque.

[Bert Kreischer]

He came to my New Zealand show, and he and I had said it a couple times on Two Bears. I wanted to do it. And he came up and they're like. I get a text. They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show. And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking wild. Like, I said it about everyone. I do it to everyone. I did to Connor. I did it. I just like, guys I know have sense of humor. The cage fighters, I love those guys. Michael Chandler, all those guys. Michael Bisping. They're funny. Fucking.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah. Most of those guys are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Most of them. There's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy. But I don't. That I don't mention those guys. Sugar. Sean. Great dude. He is awesome.

[Theo Vaughn]

He has the best sense of humor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. Connor, Hysterical Nate. Diaz. Fucking love Nate. Nick, all of them. But I was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor. Like, I don't. And then everyone's like, he does, he does, he does. And they're like, I get a text, you want to come to my. Can I come to your show? I was like, yeah, of course. DM or something. So I give him tickets and he comes back and he's with like, all his buddies and comes over and he's like, hey, the machine. And he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight, and he real quick brings his knee to my stomach. He goes, you still want to fight me? And I went, no. And he goes, ah, just kidding around. I was like, oh, my God. I would have been destroyed. This man is so strong and so quick and just bigger.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I think they'll just for gift wrap you like, they work at the mall at that place where you get that nice wrapping or whatever. He'll tie you up with his feet. That'd be crazy if he gift wrapped you with his own feet. Do you. You guys have a 5K coming up? I saw.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, two bears. 5K. You can run, run, run.

[Theo Vaughn]

I'm not gonna run this year.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why not?

[Theo Vaughn]

I just can't do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Theo Vaughn]

I just don't think I could do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you could.

[Theo Vaughn]

I don't know. Theo and Jelly Rolls on it, though. Dude, I saw jelly roll. Is Tom1Ozempic, do you think? Is Tom1Ozempic?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Theo Vaughn]

Huh.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he just works out really hard.

[Theo Vaughn]

He looks so thin here.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Yeah. No, that's not him. Those are different bodies. But he is very thin. He's. Right now he's like £186.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he's really thin. Yeah, he works out really hard and he watches everything he eats.

[Theo Vaughn]

Wow. So he's really locked in on that.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's really.

[Theo Vaughn]

I saw General two nights ago, the healthiest I've seen him look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jelly is down £130 and he looks great. And. And the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark.

[Theo Vaughn]

They look happy. You look immensely scared of getting some results back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I don't know why they picked that picture for me. But anyway, we did this as a lark on Two Bears. Me and Tom said, well, just do a 5K, because I've always run. I ran the LA Marathon. I've run half marathons, tough mudders, Spartan races. I've done all of them. I enjoy the event. The event for me is fun. 5K is so digestible. I just ran Travis Barker's in New Orleans over the super bowl and I said, you know, Thomas, do a 5K. And I've always had stupid ideas, like big tentpole, stupid ideas that never pan out. And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it. We called a bunch of celebrities on our comics, just friends on the show. Everyone committed. Barely any of them showed up, but. But Jelly Roll heard it and he went on Nelk Boy's podcast and he was like, I think I need to get in shape. And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on busting with the Bears. You forget how big he was. And so he said, I'm going to commit to Burt and Tom's two bears 5K. And I'm doing my first 5K. And he started training. And I get FaceTimes from him. He's like, I hate this. Does this get any better? I was like, it doesn't. It takes a while before it starts getting better. And he did. Came out like, like, good to his word, came out to LA, did the 5k with me. My. I wore a 50 pound weight vest. Look at how big. Wow, how big he was.

[Theo Vaughn]

He looks so. Man. I saw him the other night, I literally grabbed his face and I was like, oh, my, he looks great, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at it, by the way, look at Taylor. Look how big Taylor looks.

[Theo Vaughn]

Taylor's so lean now. He said he's modeling or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy that his wife married that. That. And then now she gets that. She gets like a really skinny, good looking dude who looks like he listens to Blink 182.

[Theo Vaughn]

All the small things. Yeah, totally. He said he got all the small things tattooed right above his, too. That's what I heard.

[Bert Kreischer]

So Jelly. So Jelly came out to. Jelly came out for the two bears 5k last year, and we did it. And I wore 50 pound weight vest.

[Theo Vaughn]

He did it last year.

[Bert Kreischer]

He did it last year. He did it last year. He lost like 70 pounds. People magazine did a big write up on him. He really kind of eventized the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop. And everyone's like, good for him. And then people were like, I can do that. Like, Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race, like, dude, I'm proud of you. And we walked it. Me, why? His wife Bunny and my wife Leanne and him, we walked the whole thing. And then as we crossed. As we crossed the line.

[Theo Vaughn]

Looks great.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was crying, Bunny was crying. Liam was crying. You know, I was crying. And Jelly's like, you might have. Bunny said to me, you might have saved his life from whatever this stupid idea was. And so from that moment, he's like, yo, we're doing this again this year. So we're doing it in Tampa, May 4, at Raymond James Stadium. And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's going to be such a big fucking event. Like, it is.

[Theo Vaughn]

Y'all are doing it at Raymond James.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'Re doing it in the stadium, and then we're partying on the field after. We've got got polar plunges, saunas, we've got a rope climb. We've got.

[Theo Vaughn]

People are just. People are coming out and doing it with y'all.

[Bert Kreischer]

People are doing the 5K. I'm gonna do it. I think I'm doing it three times. So I'm gonna run the first heat, I'm gonna run the second heat, and then I'm gonna run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne and.

[Theo Vaughn]

How far is it? 7 miles.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's 5. 3 miles. It's so doable.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

You could do it.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, I could do it. Yeah. I know I could do it, right? Well, here's what happened to me. I broke my toe, like probably three weeks ago. So I'm dealing with that right now. Big toe, second from the right. The one Next to the little piggy or whatever. And.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what? Foot.

[Theo Vaughn]

Right Foot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Second from the right. The little. Next to the little piggy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. I broke it, dude. And so it's been miserable. So I've been able to. There's so many things I've been able to do.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you do for working out?

[Theo Vaughn]

I do a lot of yoga right now, and then I'll just do like, circuit training, but, like, find like four exercises. Do four reps of them, you know, and do that four times, and then I'll do like three blocks of those. Yeah, but this past three weeks has been miserable. It's been like, sucks when you break it toe, dude. It's unbelievable. I was like, you got to be kidding me. You can't hardly do anything. I can't even push off into a good hug with anybody. People like, you can't even hug or whatever you. Or whatever you hug.

[Bert Kreischer]

I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe. My big toe. The toe next to it and the toe next to that. And I shattered them. And I was like, what do I do? And they're like, nothing. Yeah. I just had to wait and wait. It was my big toe. I was barefoot for three months. It was. It was so. It was. It happened December. It happened Jan. Jan. Jan. 1. Jan. 1. So it's been a month. And now they're fine.

[Theo Vaughn]

They're fine already?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Testosterone. Testosterone. Testosterone.

[Theo Vaughn]

Testosterone helps, huh? Oh, so reparative am I doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you doing?

[Theo Vaughn]

I'm just afraid I'll lose my hair.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're not gonna lose your hair. You can always give so much hair. Can I have some?

[Theo Vaughn]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would love some of your hair.

[Theo Vaughn]

But here's what happens. People say you're not gonna lose your hair, and then you fucking. Well, I. I tried TRT one time a few years ago, and I lost some of my hair.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I did.

[Bert Kreischer]

God damn it. Is that. Wait, where can I see the new hair?

[Theo Vaughn]

Huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that new hair?

[Theo Vaughn]

You can't really see it. They just kind of put it in there. And I think my hair that I lost because of stress actually grew back. I think I just had so much stress.

[Bert Kreischer]

You look like you have a ton of hair right now that I was shedding. What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs, so then it'll be perfectly peppered.

[Theo Vaughn]

Somebody saved you had also my favorite musician right now, one of. Anyway, Stephen Wilson Jr. Was on your podcast Every bones and tethered. You want to change my name? Gotta drain my blood. Everything I am everything he wants. He's the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is really great. I'm a song. I'm a song.

[Theo Vaughn]

I know you love that one. I've listened to that one a couple times. It's not my favorite. I've listened to it because I know you like it. Yeah, I've listened to it. It's just. And I know how much you love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it, dude, because it's so beautiful that it. I remember the song I lost my virginity to. I remember the song I got my first car to. I remember the song that Leanne and I fell in love to. I remember the songs. For me, like, I get very emotional, listen to music. I. I mean, every one of these episodes, I'm like, yo, don't put the camera on me. I'm crying. And did you hear what happened when I did it with him? He goes to start playing, and he starts playing on the song and I. And he goes. And he had to stop. He goes, bert, can you please not cry like that? Like, I cried out loud. But, man, a music for me is so emotional. Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played, and I was like. I was like, shut the up, dude. Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world.

[Theo Vaughn]

You know, listen. No, my best friend Scott loves them, but I haven't listened to him that much.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've had. I've had very, very. I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these. This band is so great. But I've been very blessed to have all these guys come and girls come over and play music for me because I just. I love music. And I think sometimes, like, I'm good at a podcast, like, if I. If I'm talking to you because. Because I don't know. But sometimes with, like, younger comics, I'm at the best because I don't, like. I don't know, I'm not great, you know, but with musicians, I'm so much. I'm so fascinated by their process and who they are, and I don't know anything about them. And you get to kind of deep dive them and then. And then. And you've had some great musicians on. I mean, I saw Billy Strings live the other night.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Billy Strings.

[Theo Vaughn]

He took me fishing one day too. He's such a special.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, he's just the most. He's so normal. He's. He's so not a celebrity or, you know, he's just a normal guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you think you're not a celebrity?

[Theo Vaughn]

I think. I don't like, the celebrity part of it. I don't see a lot of value in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, like, you get a lot of access to cool.

[Theo Vaughn]

It's a mirage. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, that's the only thing I see that you like about celebrity is. And I wouldn't say that you like it, but I noticed that you. You travel and go see the events you want to see. Like, you get to go do everything. Like, I look at yours, I'm like, you're at ufc. You're at Jelly Roll Show. You're at Kid Rock Show. You're at. You're, like, at the Republican National Convent or whatever. The thing, the inauguration. Like, I look at that and I go, that only comes with celebrity. Yeah. You don't get that if you're just talented. You got to be famous and talented. And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best way so you're filling your interests. I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, that only comes with celebrity. And so.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, I'm a fan of hers. I'm a. I'm friends with her boyfriend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Theo Vaughn]

Connor? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Connor Clark.

[Theo Vaughn]

No, Connor. It'll be crazy. It'd be illegal. It sounds like Connor McCaffrey. But hold on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is she dating Christian McCaffrey's brother?

[Theo Vaughn]

No, I don't think they're related, but we went up to watch Caitlin, me and Caleb, and then that's how we met.

[Bert Kreischer]

Conor, you interviewed Jesse Murphy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Jessie Murph.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jessie Murph, yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

She's the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the little girl that sings Cigarette Card with Jelly Roll.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wild ones, wild ones. 45 on a man with him about.

[Theo Vaughn]

102, always smoking something Gonna worry about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing and he ain't got nothing to lose. I got a thing for the. I texted. I DMed her one time. I was like. I. Like, I. I was like. I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What did you think of the super bowl halftime show?

[Theo Vaughn]

The super bowl halftime show? I thought. I tweeted about it, that I thought it was boring, Right. And I. I only know, like, I'm not a big Kendrick listener, right? Because. And then a couple days ago, I ended up taking down my tweet actually does. I just felt like. Well, I guess I felt like, why am I judging this? I don't fucking know. You know? I'm saying, I think sometimes you forget that, like, people are gonna make a big. Could make a big deal out if you tweet something that you can't just say, like, whatever you want without some people having, like, reactions to it, maybe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, dude, I mean, I think. I think it. I'm sure you've had gotten negative feedback in your life, and you just go, well, that wasn't my intent. And then if you ever talk to that person, they're like, oh, I didn't know you were gonna see it. And you're like, like, if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours, and he sees it, and then he's like, oh, I know.

[Theo Vaughn]

That sucks. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Right. I thought about that, but then I also. I. No, I just thought about, like, why am I. I think, like, two days that I was like, why am I. Why am I judging this guy? And then people are gonna judge me. Like, what kind of energy am I really creating? I don't think that's what I thought when I was tweeting and I was just like, oh, this is. You know, I just. It was. It didn't feel like it was for me. I don't know. I didn't know enough of his songs.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that was the. I mean, there's. I think there's a bunch of issues. I think number one is his catalog. His catalog is very big in the culture, in white culture. I don't think there's enough crossover. He's only have, like, two crossover songs. I think he played both of them. But, like, I'll tell you, being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened, and, man, we loved it. It was really fun in the stadium. Maybe on tv, it didn't translate, but it was really fun in the stadium. The interesting person's take was Kid Rock's take. Did you hear his. He was like, because, you know, Kid Rocks.

[Theo Vaughn]

You know, I remember he shot those Pepsis up when that fellow was drinking them. Gay Pepsis or whatever. He's got what we're talking about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bud Light, oh, Bud Light.

[Theo Vaughn]

I'm sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he. But his take was. He did this for the culture. Like, Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful because Kid Rock grew up loving in hip hop. In hip hop. And so his. His take was really kind of insightful. He's like, yo, he did this for the culture. He did this as representation of, like, everyone on stage is black. It was all about, like, inside what. What they listen to. I mean, Kendrick's a fucking legend, dude.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here are my take. Okay? It's fucking New Orleans. Like, kind of like, why not celebrate boozy Wayne, Master P? Like, why not? The way they did la, right. And it doesn't have to be black, you know, I mean, I'm sure There's Harry Connick Jr. Sang at the beginning. There's a lot of talent that isn't. But New Orleans is like a black music town. Jazz, hip hop. I put juvie.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, it would have been sick. But then somebody. I thought that too. Somebody brought to my attention. But most of the people in New Orleans aren't at the game. Probably it's a lot of people from out of town. So then it's like, like, yeah, it's interesting. Do you celebrate the city? What is the real goal of whoever they put out there? Or why they put certain p. Like stars. But then also I thought. Then I thought, well, also a lot of the athletes are black. They may all. Kendrick might be one of their favorites. Just because I don't have. I haven't listened to a lot of Kendrick except for the mainstream stuff, doesn't mean I don't, you know, that I wouldn't like it. I don't know. I guess I probably wanted something more that a basic white guy would.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bruno Mars.

[Theo Vaughn]

Jelly roll. Bruno Mars.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bruno Mars is. There's no one. There's no performer better than Bruno Mars. His shows, top to God damn bottom, are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize. Yeah, it is. That guy is so talented. Justin Timberlake, I'm worth my money. New Kids on the Block, Bring them back. I would be a cool super bowl.

[Theo Vaughn]

Show maybe if they'd have done, like, some music over the years. But I think sometimes you've just. You don't you forget that just because you do. Like, if. If it wasn't me tweeting, nobody would have probably shared it or given a. Yeah. And I don't mean that in a way, like an ego way, like. But sometimes you're just tweeting, just thinking, like, this is what I think. Nobody's gonna care.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said. I said out loud, it should have been Lil Wayne and juvie and everyone. And then we were at. We were at doing. I did a show at the super bowl with Nikki, Tony, and Shane, and I didn't even. I didn't even see my critique come back at me. But someone goes, why didn't you have Theo and Mark here? And I was like, huh? And they're like, this is their hometown. They should have performed here. And I went, oh. I was like, I didn't even think. I didn't even.

[Theo Vaughn]

You guys asked me to come do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we did. Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

I just couldn't yeah, we did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

I couldn't go home for the super bowl because I was. Had to do that movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

God damn it. That's right. I did.

[Theo Vaughn]

I wanted to be there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Asked Mormon too. Yeah, that guy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, fuck that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know?

[Theo Vaughn]

I mean, it's always something that's going to make you feel some type of way, I guess. And then it's like, I don't know. I mean. But then I was like, why do I fucking care? Like. And who needs to hear my opinion? Okay, like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna interrupt you because here's what I'd love to know. Did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican national or the Republican inauguration?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I did get pushback about it, which I didn't really understand. Like, I would go if anybody invited me to go the inauguration. Dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ye.

[Theo Vaughn]

Like, people on the street where I grew up there, nobody's ever going to the inauguration. Nobody from my fucking street, my neighborhood, is ever going to the inauguration. Probably ever. They're not. Some of these people cannot legally vote anymore. So the simple fact that I got to go, right? Bobby Kennedy is a friend of mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bobby Kennedy is a sweet dude.

[Theo Vaughn]

People are like, you're not. I'm going to support my fucking friend. I don't care if. If I have a friend that went to jail for even something serious, I would still go and, you know, maybe speak on their behalf sometimes or take them bread or whatever, you know, Like, I'm gonna be supportive. So, yeah, some of that. But I would never hold it against somebody if they went to an inauguration. So then I gotta start thinking, well, that's just odd of that person. Some of that's on them, you know, Like, I've even had friends that I've texted and they'll be like, oh, it's. Didn't know you were so maga or whatever. And it was like, I'm. I've never ever in my life thought of myself as maga, you know, I've.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never thought of you as. I've never thought of you as political. I've thought of you as just a person interested in living life. Like, that's. I mean, that's my perspective. Like, I didn't. Honestly, when you went to the inauguration, I was like, oh, that's fucking dope. That's fucking crazy. Like, I would go in a heart. I'd go in a fucking heartbeat. I went to. I went to George Bush's when I was a kid. I went to George Bush's State of the Union. I went to Bill Clinton's State of the Union and George Bush's State of the Union. No one ever called me on it. Like, I was 18, 20, whatever, 16, 18, whatever the it is.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to both. I went to the State of the Union, like, every time we got a president, my uncle could get me in.

[Theo Vaughn]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And I just think it's a crazy, wild thing to see democracy working. And. And like, I. If I got invited to an inauguration or a. I mean, I got invited to the Republican National Convention, but it was as an influencer. And I was like, I'm not gonna.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, I wouldn't. I think I got invited as that, too. I wouldn't go to. I wouldn't do something like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not gonna go. Like. Like, go. Like, I'm gonna get you fans.

[Theo Vaughn]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

But, like, if you invite me and I don't have to do and I can hang out, I go. I thought it was cool.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. I wouldn't go to support, like, one party. You know what I'm saying? Like, if somebody like, I got asked to do some Republican stuff like that, I wouldn't go do that. You know, and we just got lucky with that too would come on. Our podcast was Vance and Trump. Everybody got asked, everybody was in, everybody was emailing with us, but they didn't want to come. Like, like, there's nothing I can do about that. And then you expect that I'm not going to go. Kind of be supportive of the fact that they even came and they came.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

At least they gave a to come.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you now?

[Theo Vaughn]

I think Trump, like, him, what they're doing with Gaza and him coming in and speaking on that is one of the most up things I've ever heard of in my life. Kind of, you know, lost me.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's how little I know about politics. But this episode is brought to you by Lifelock. During tax season, your personal info travels to a lot of places. Between payroll, your tax consultant, and the IRS. If your W2 gets exposed, that's just the ticket for identity thieves. That's why LifeLock monitors millions of data points every second. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it, guaranteed, or your money back. Don't let identity thieves take you for a ride. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast terms apply.

[Theo Vaughn]

So it's like, yeah, I don't know. That shit was kind of crazy to me. But then you got to realize, like, all you could, like, I just have to just be myself, man. And I don't even know who that is sometimes. And so I'm still learning about who that is, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you should. What? I mean, this is why I'm saying this to hear it, right? Yeah, I'm saying this to hear it. But what you have to realize is the people that love you love you and then everyone else. That's the truth is I'm trying to get to that. The people that love you, love you and everyone else because you can't help someone that doesn't like you. That person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text in one manner or another. They're bothered by everything good happening in your life. It's a reflection of their shortcomings. And they're like, didn't know you were so maga. And you're like, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. If you ever think you could. I would never let anybody even put a pin in me that described me as one part of one group anyway. I will never be part of one group. I wouldn't even do that to myself. This is who I am.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm vegan.

[Theo Vaughn]

They don't even have the group that I am, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

And he, buddy, they do not have the group you are.

[Theo Vaughn]

And I think they don't have the group that a lot of us are. They don't have more complex than just being like, you're this or that, you know? Yeah. If they said we had a 30k struggling alcoholic guy who's in therapy with his wife, you know what I'm saying, who loves a good brisket and Johnson Brat, you know what I'm saying? And cares about his kids a ton. Where's that group?

[Bert Kreischer]

My group doesn't exist. My group. I love when they want to put me in my group and go, hey, man, you have a problem with your drinking? And I go, I'm doing pretty. Good point.

[Theo Vaughn]

It's a good point, dude. Anybody that says you have a problem, you're doing pretty good.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's always guys in the system or whatever it's called. And they're like, hey, man, you know, you have a drinking problem. I go, okay, I had a guy tell me. I won't say his name, but I'll tell you after. He goes, just because you think you have make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good, you think that that didn't mean you have a problem. I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means. I think that means that, like, I got feelers around me, and if something goes sideways, they tell me, but, like, right now, we're doing pretty solid. So, like, I go, I. I said it on a podcast a long time ago, and I got a lot of heat from people in the system, and they were. Like I said, sometimes I think the problem's the person, and it's not the booze or the alcohol. It's gonna show its head up in another place. You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction. It's like, you gotta take care of the problem. If you don't have the problem. Like, if you don't have the problem, then maybe the. Maybe you should look at that. Like, go like, hey, man, like, my wife was a big drinker in high college and quit drinking, thinking she was an alcoholic, and then realized, oh, no, My parents were split up. I had a shitty childhood. I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that. That when I drink. Bring those to the top. She did it. My wife never drinks. She will drink every now and then. Doesn't even give a fuck. And I was like, oh, wow, I want to be like that. I want to be like that. Where you go, like, yeah, I can have a drink, sure. Like, last night, had a couple drinks, and then I was like, oh, I want to. I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow. So I was like, I'm gonna go to sleep. Watch the documentary on. Hey, do you think in Japanese, Netflix. How do you think they. They title the World War II movies? Do you think they're like, World War II? We were also in it because, like, I was watching.

[Theo Vaughn]

They get left out of all of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like, World War II. Road to Victory is the one we get. What do you think? The Jap. Because they have Japanese Netflix, right?

[Theo Vaughn]

Huh? Almost good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Almost good. So close.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

World War II. I watched. I watched. I watched Inglorious Basterds with a German guy.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That'S uncomfortable.

[Theo Vaughn]

Oh, with a German.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's like watching Django and Chained with a bunch of black guys. Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. That's not really a post game movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like, oh, those are really bad guys, man. Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Damn, them guys was bad, homie.

[Bert Kreischer]

None of them look like my grandfather.

[Theo Vaughn]

I know, huh? Damn, bro. Got real. What else do we want to talk about? Okay. Is there anything else? You got your special coming out Special.

[Bert Kreischer]

Comes out March 18th.

[Theo Vaughn]

March 18th. Paint.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. And I think it's. I think it's my best one Lucky. Because I'm luckiest man alive, you know? Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

It might be right about you, buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am. Think about if I pitched me to.

[Theo Vaughn]

You, I wouldn't believe it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right? 25 years old, in college. Been in college seven years. Roughly, yeah. Rolling Stone. No. No degree, no chances of graduating, no hopes of graduating. No. No real direction in life. Rolling Stone magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party animal in the country.

[Theo Vaughn]

And a Buccaneers fan at that time.

[Bert Kreischer]

And a Bucks fan. Back when the Bucks and the Saints.

[Theo Vaughn]

Sucked in a test of verde Jersey.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude.

[Theo Vaughn]

Back when you were just waiting for the 49ers coming down and beat your ass from Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

From Florida. Before anyone knew what a Florida man was. Those were all my uncles and my brothers, all my people in my life, all around Florida, man. Rolling Stone, Discovery Magazines discovered me called the number one party in the country. Oliver Stone options, the rights to my life. I move to New York within six months. I get a development deal from Will Smith. That's weird now, but I moved to la. I get my first TV show on the X Show. I then get another development deal at cbs. I meet the love of my life. I keep working in tv. I get fired, I get on travel. I mean, all the things that have happened me are so God damn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am. I have the greatest group of friends. Meaning like. Like my friends, you included, are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world. The funniest people in the world. But yet people who will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to. Like, that's my friends, right? Tommy, you, Joe, Ari, some of them drug me. But like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens. But like, you look at your group of friends and your. And there's more than that. I got two great kids who are really fucking well rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money. Yeah, yeah. And they're. But they're still well rounded and they're happy and we love each other and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been. And I get to do what I love. And for work today, to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about. I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest motherfucker. But I also think, I really believe this. You have to identify your luck. I Think I might mention this in the special. You just have to start looking at things as half full and don't, like, even the bad things go. That needed to happen to me, that had to happen to me to get me to the place where I could see the luck come from it, you know? I mean, it's like, look at all the shit you've been through. And then I go, thank God. Like, I think I was thinking of it today. I was like, I hate that Theo had to go through, you know, drugs and alcohol, because that's so not him. And that's never been who I know you knew you to be. I never even knew you to party, to be dead honest with you.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never saw. Yeah. And I go, but, you know, I'm so glad he did because he's so grounded now. Like, he seems, like, in such a better place, and he's got all these great stories by the time he got high on coke and locked himself out of his apartment while he was making a smoothie. Like those wild stories where you're doing coke with Daryl Strawberry and the Bronx. I mean, you have all these crazy adventures now, but you're so like. Like, I go, you just gotta look at it and go, that sucked then. But that's. That's. Then. This is now, and we're. Now we're lucky. Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah. No, you got to be here to tell them, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I. I.

[Theo Vaughn]

Lucky.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah, for sure lucky.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm lucky as. And I think if I can put luck out there, like I say, I bought like a hundred dollars worth of pennies. It's a lot of pennies, more than you think. It's wild. And I just started throwing them around la. Just flip them on the ground because every time you see a penny, you're like, oh, good luck.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, oh, why not just gift that to people, like, just a little. And then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it, and I'm like, I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car so everyone gets good luck when they get in the car.

[Theo Vaughn]

Copper Johnny Appleseed.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm the copper Johnny Appleseed.

[Theo Vaughn]

That tim. Spreading luck. March 18th on Netflix. The special is dropping. You got the 5K in Tampa. You have your double down show. That's in Las Vegas.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Oh, that weekend. I'm in Vegas March 21st and 22nd over at the Resorts World Theater. Two shows. Wow. Yeah.

[Theo Vaughn]

I'm proud of you, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm proud of you, man.

[Theo Vaughn]

Thanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, we've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see. It's so. Man. You know, my girls and Leanne root for. Root for a couple comics. And. And you're in that short list, and so when good shit happens to you. Same with Nikki. When Nikki. Oh, I know Nikki did the Golden Globes. They were in a text thread, like. But you're in that short list. You, Shane, Nikki, Tony Hanscliff. My people in my family knows.

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's. Man, it's cool. When you get a text from your kids, you're like, dope. Dad, did you see the. What was the. Theo? What? I forget what it was. They're like, have you seen the Best of Theo? And I was like, no. And then Georgia sent it to me. She's like, dad, she's on a plane. She's like, dad, this. He is hysterical. I was like, dude, yeah. I remember watching Georgia watch Shane Gillis for the first time and was like, are we allowed to laugh at this?

[Theo Vaughn]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I love that. I love that. I'm the luckiest out there.

[Theo Vaughn]

Well, we're lucky to be in your presence, man. I feel that. And thanks for always being supportive, and thanks for some of the nice things that you said today, dude. And. Yeah, Yeah, I feel lucky. I was driving over here today. I was like, man, my job. Today I get to talk to a friend of mine. That's. That's a blessing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a blessing.

[Theo Vaughn]

Bert Kreischer, man, stay healthy and enjoy your. Your year off of comedy, huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, I think I'll go. I'm thinking I'm gonna go back on tour. Maybe October. We'll see. We'll see.

[Theo Vaughn]

He'll be back on tour in a month probably, but that's okay. He keeps working hard. Love you, bro. And I feel I'm falling like these.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leaves I must be cornerstone oh but when I reach that ground I'll share this peace of mind I found I.

[Theo Vaughn]

Can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take.