E574 Mark Normand

Summary

Podcast Summary: This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von – Episode E574 featuring Mark Normand

Release Date: April 8, 2025
Guest: Mark Normand
Host: Theo Von
Description: A deep dive into what happened over the past weekend with Theo Von and his guest, stand-up comedian Mark Normand. The episode explores their personal lives, comedy careers, societal observations, and light-hearted banter interspersed with humorous anecdotes.

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1. Introduction and Personal Updates (00:00 – 02:38)

• Theo Von opens the episode with a promotional segment for Call of Duty Warzone and his merchandise, briefly introducing Mark Normand as a special guest.
• Mark Normand is highlighted as a renowned stand-up comedian with two podcasts: Tuesdays with Stories with Joe List and We Might Be Drunk with Sam Morrill. He’s touring extensively, is a new father, and has launched a new series called Page to Stage.

Notable Quote:

• Theo Von [01:56]: "I'm gonna really zing him. That's the only way I can get to him because if I do it at his house, he'll, you know, sick his security guards on me and call me the N word."

2. Comedy and Touring Experiences (02:38 – 13:04)

• Mark Normand discusses his upcoming performance at Kill Tony with Kid Rock, expressing both excitement and nervousness about interacting with a large audience.
• The conversation shifts to their experiences performing live, handling stage fright, and the dynamics of large comedy shows versus intimate venues.
• Mark shares anecdotes about performing in Nashville, including attending shows at the Ryman and visiting Kid Rock’s house, highlighting the intense security measures in place.

Notable Quote:

• Mark Normand [03:06]: "That's insane. I mean it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson. Well, that's a bad. That's a dated. Who's the new hot lady?"

3. Societal Observations and Humor (13:04 – 31:14)

• The duo delves into various societal topics with their signature humor, touching on:
  • The evolution of societal norms and the impact of Big Tech on podcasting and information dissemination.
  • The increased polarization and the shift from racial divisions to opinion-based conflicts.
  • The challenges comedians face in navigating current events without becoming targets for controversy.

Notable Quote:

• Theo Von [26:11]: "It's because people are afraid to speak up. Because I think all those people feel like they'll probably lose their jobs."

4. Personal Lives and Parenthood (31:14 – 57:22)

• Mark Normand opens up about becoming a father, discussing how parenthood has shifted his priorities and altered his relationship dynamics with his spouse.
• They humorously explore the challenges and unexpected moments that come with having a child, including navigating intimacy post-parenthood and the surreal experience of watching their child grow.
• Theo reflects on his own experiences with sobriety and the impact it has on his life and relationships.

Notable Quote:

• Mark Normand [57:02]: "The baby becomes the priority, so you start to forget about each other. You know, it just becomes like, all right, I'll take them for this moment. You take them for that moment."

5. Entertainment Industry Insights (57:22 – 86:45)

• The conversation shifts towards the entertainment industry, discussing:
  • The rise of digital platforms and how they've transformed the landscape for comedians and content creators.
  • Notable figures like Bill Burr and their influence on comedy in the age of social media.
  • The impact of cultural phenomena on personal and professional lives, including references to shows like White Lotus and the evolving nature of fame and celebrity interactions.

Notable Quote:

• Theo Von [73:28]: "It used to feel like we knew what was supposed to happen. But now it feels like everything's sliding right over that little hair wallet."

6. Current Events and Humor (86:45 – 101:07)

• Mark Normand and Theo Von navigate through various current events with their comedic lens, addressing topics such as:
  • The introduction of Trump’s Gold Card and its implications for immigration and citizenship.
  • The rise in egg-related border seizures amidst declining fentanyl interceptions, humorously comparing the two.
  • Reflections on societal changes, including discussions on race, identity politics, and the influence of media on public perception.

Notable Quote:

• Mark Normand [96:07]: "It's the same amount of wood, but they just put it in different spots of the bat."

7. Closing Remarks and Final Banter (101:07 – 107:50)

• As the episode winds down, Mark Normand talks about his new whiskey brand, Bodega Cat, and the challenges of launching a business amidst stringent regulations.
• They reminisce about old times, favorite comedians, and the enduring bonds within the comedy community.
• The episode concludes with light-hearted jokes, endorsements for each other’s projects, and a final promotional segment for an upcoming docu-series titled What's a Podcast? The Revolution Redefined.

Notable Quote:

• Theo Von [106:07]: "Bodega cat. Dude. Bro. And. Yeah, but that's wild that they're selling those. What do you think about that? Because now it's like you can just be a citizen with 5 million bucks."

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Key Takeaways:

• Comedy as a Reflection of Society: Both Theo Von and Mark Normand use humor to explore and critique societal norms, highlighting how comedy serves as a mirror to our collective experiences and challenges.

• The Evolution of Personal Relationships: Parenthood significantly alters personal dynamics, as discussed by Mark, emphasizing the balance between professional life and family responsibilities.

• Impact of Digital Media: The rise of digital platforms has democratized content creation but also introduced new challenges, including increased polarization and the pressure to navigate controversial topics carefully.

• Entrepreneurship in Comedy: Mark Normand’s venture into creating a whiskey brand showcases the entrepreneurial spirit within the comedy community, blending personal interests with business endeavors.

• Societal Divisions and Identity Politics: The conversation underscores the growing divisions based on opinions rather than traditional societal factors like race, suggesting a shift in how conflicts are framed and perceived.

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Conclusion:

Episode E574 of This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von featuring Mark Normand offers an engaging mix of personal stories, comedic insights, and societal commentary. The dynamic between Theo and Mark provides listeners with both laughter and thoughtful reflections on the evolving landscape of comedy, personal relationships, and societal challenges. For fans of stand-up comedy and those interested in the behind-the-scenes of a comedian's life, this episode serves as a rich and entertaining listen.

Additional Resources:

• Mark Normand’s Series: Page to Stage – A web series showcasing the development of comedy bits from notebook to stage performance. Available on Punch Up Live.
• Podcasts by Mark Normand:
  • Tuesdays with Stories with Joe List
  • We Might Be Drunk with Sam Morrill

Promotions Mentioned:

• Bodega Cat Whiskey: A new whiskey brand launched by Mark Normand and Sam Morrill. Available at select comedy clubs and theaters.
• Upcoming Docu-Series: What's a Podcast? The Revolution Redefined – Featuring industry experts and pioneers in podcasting.

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Note: This summary is based on the provided transcript and aims to capture the essence of the conversation between Theo Von and Mark Normand while highlighting key discussions and humorous exchanges.

Transcript

[Theo Von]

Calling all Call of Duty fans, Verdansk has returned to Call of Duty Warzone and you can jump in now, experience all the chaos and excitement you've been missing. With gameplay updates and the return of Verdansk era weaponry, Verdansk is back now with Omni movement, offering the ultimate Call of Duty warzone experience like never before. Whether you're going solo or teaming up with your squad, it's time to come home to verdansk. Download Call of Duty Warzone for free and dive into the action today. Rated M for mature. I'm gonna let you know we have these new hoodies, the onward hoodies in the merch shop. These are my favorite template of of hoodie ever that we've ever had. I think you will love them and enjoy them. They'[e-mail] and thank you so much for your support. Today's guest is a stand up comedian. He has two podcasts, Tuesdays with stories with Joe List and we might be drunk with Sam Morrill. He's touring all over this year. He's a one of one. He's a new father and he has a new series out called page to stage where comedians take something from their notebook and you see it build until it gets performed. Today's guest is a one of one my Louisiana brethren, Mr. Mark Norman.

[Mark Norman]

Flying out today?

[Theo Von]

Yeah. My stepdad is sick, so I gotta go see him.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Theo Von]

I'm bummed. I wanted to be there for Kill Tony.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Are you doing it?

[Mark Norman]

Doing it with Kid Rock. So that'll be. I'm gonna try to. I'm gonna really zing him. That's the only way I can get to him because if I do it at his house, he'll, you know, sick his security guards on me and call me. The N word.

[Theo Von]

I didn't know. Oh yeah, dude. He has a dog that can say the N word. I saw.

[Mark Norman]

Was it a what? Black lab, I hope.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, dude. Blm, bro.

[Mark Norman]

Black labs matter.

[Theo Von]

Of course it is, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Hopefully it's not a German shepherd.

[Theo Von]

He thought a black lab was a place where they tested barbecue sauce. I was like, here, get on my guy.

[Mark Norman]

They make sickle cell.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I was like, bro, that's not. I was like, bob, you got the wrong idea, man. So. So. So you. You're doing Kill Tony coming up tonight? Yeah, tonight.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. The. What is it? The Bridgestone. Oh, yeah. Very exciting. I feel like Nate Bargazzi.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I know, huh? Have you done one on that big of a level? That's big man, no, no, I've done.

[Mark Norman]

Arena shows, but I've never done like a panel with jokes and zingers and. That's gonna be weird. Just making fun of these poor open micrs in front of 20,000 people, dude.

[Theo Von]

And imagine them getting up there that many people. They're gonna be shook. How. Yeah, how could you have a good set?

[Mark Norman]

That's insane. I mean it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson. Well, that's a bad. That's a dated. Who's the new hot lady?

[Theo Von]

Who is it now?

[Mark Norman]

Oprah?

[Theo Von]

No, it's Rihanna.

[Mark Norman]

Who do the kids like? Oh, Sydney Sweeney. That's a good one. Look at the tits on dicklas.

[Theo Von]

God.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, wow. Holy hachi machi.

[Theo Von]

She seemed like a beautiful young lady, huh?

[Mark Norman]

Very attractive.

[Theo Von]

She just got separated from her husband.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, hey, you're in.

[Theo Von]

That's slurp. Lord. I thought about center on message, but I don't know what I would say, man.

[Mark Norman]

Say nice yams.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's true.

[Mark Norman]

Dude, I think she's. She wants that. She. No one talks to her like that anymore. So it probably turn her on, you think?

[Theo Von]

Oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, she's got some crop circles.

[Theo Von]

Oh yeah. Brother gang.

[Mark Norman]

Dude, is that the. The X? That guy looks like a. Like a ugly me. Oh man, I feel great.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that guy definitely fumbled the breasts.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, right. Yeah. I mean look, he looks like an Uber driver.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Dude, it would take you 70 minutes to get her bra on, I think.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's a lot to compact in there.

[Theo Von]

Oh, you would have to have a buddy. It would almost have to be like two of those guys doing that slingshot or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it's like trying to get leaves in a bag. Wow, look at that. Is a lovely, lovely. It's good to know that a blonde with huge cans is. That's back.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's a great point. Dude. She. Yeah, she could be anything. She. We need flight attendants like this now.

[Mark Norman]

Oo, yeah, good. They're all gay now.

[Theo Von]

Oh, they're all gay. Even you a woman. Like you're. I. I remember trying to hit on this lady and she'll be like. She's like, I'd love to go out with you, but I'm only be going to be a woman for like another week. And I was like, what the man?

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Theo Von]

That's what this flight attendant said. I was like, oh come on.

[Mark Norman]

Good lord. Where's she connecting in Transville, dude.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's Transville's van.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, they're all gay now. They used to be very attractive. It's like these sky homos. They've taken over the air.

[Theo Von]

It is. Dude. I feel like when you get on, you have to protect your straightness. The second you get on there, I lock in, dude. I tell my penis. I say, you know what we're here for? We're just here to get from A to B.

[Mark Norman]

Right?

[Theo Von]

Okay. Do not look around.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes.

[Theo Von]

They're gonna tempt you. It'll be like a kind of a guy, you know, Like a guy possibly dressed as a woman walking through liquor or snacks or those goldfish. My penis loves goldfish.

[Mark Norman]

Right? Oh, I love a goldfish.

[Theo Von]

So. But do not look over there. You stay straight. We're just. We're going to Cincinnati.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly. No place straighter than Cincinnati. That is a straight town. Right there.

[Theo Von]

It is, dude.

[Mark Norman]

They eat chili and watch football. Oh, but wait, hold on. You said something. Oh. You ever get flattered by the gay. The gay love?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

That is very nice. When a gay guy's like, hey, cutie, or whatever, and you're like, hey, this is pretty good.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, well, because it's replacing the old thing. It's like, you still want the affection, Right? And now it's like a lot of us didn't even have dads, so it's like they're kind of coming at you with that combo meal.

[Mark Norman]

Oh. You get the male attention and flirty in the female.

[Theo Von]

Flirty.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. That's good.

[Theo Von]

You get it in one.

[Mark Norman]

That's. God, I'd love to be gay.

[Theo Von]

That's a lot of gay guys. Thing is, don't you want that combo meal?

[Mark Norman]

Right. You know, and he could blow the. The chrome off your trailer. Hitch.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude, can you. This is insane to be talking about.

[Mark Norman]

Sorry. What is God's country?

[Theo Von]

I'm just going to Cincinnati.

[Mark Norman]

Okay, you're right. You're right.

[Theo Von]

I'm telling you, Mark.

[Mark Norman]

All right. I'm already. I'm already getting a layover. I'm gay. Over.

[Theo Von]

But, dude. Yeah, there's just something like they. Yeah, you see them and they. But yeah. God, could you even imagine some strong guy who was probably like, on the neck team in college? Whatever. Some sporting event. Like the wrestling. Yeah, wrestling or something like that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

And he just pins your cock to the back of his throat with his tongue or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Easy, big fella.

[Theo Von]

Sorry. That's great.

[Mark Norman]

Seems anyone else hard.

[Theo Von]

Seems crazy.

[Mark Norman]

You're going to make Morgan wild. Uncomfortable. Oh, man. Yeah. It's got to be nice to be the gay. What? What? About glory hole. Is that real?

[Theo Von]

There was one at.

[Mark Norman]

What? You know of one?

[Theo Von]

There was one at Louisiana State when I was at lsu.

[Mark Norman]

Shut the up. How'd I miss that? I went there for a semester.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Bring up Glory Hole. Lsu.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Theo Von]

They had one and they. You know where it was? I think it was in. I want to say the library.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa. Damn. They plugged that hole. Look at that.

[Theo Von]

Oh, there's one right there. Taking a dump in tarot. That's a. One of those. One of the holes there. Oh, there it is right there.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa, look at that.

[Theo Von]

Look at that.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. You could even look through there if you wanted to, which is nice if you're.

[Theo Von]

But it's hard to look through there when there's a wiener coming through.

[Mark Norman]

Take your eye out. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Dude, don't be that weirdo that's trying to sightsee at a glory hole, you know?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. You just gotta. You gotta trust the hole. You gotta go with it. Whatever comes through, you gotta eat it.

[Theo Von]

That's the whole. Dude, that's the original game show right there.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yes. That's great.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Now it's like. I'm thinking of what it's called now. It's like the floor is lava, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Nothing that has nothing on the glory hole is open.

[Mark Norman]

That's a great point. Yeah. And you never know who's on the other side. Could be your teacher, your brother, your pastor. I mean, that's a real gamble.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. It could be your past or it could be your future. Or, dude, it could be some gay dude, you're gonna. Or woman. Nowadays, even lesbians will stop in there just to couture their jawline. They'll pop into a male glory hole.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but what about lesbians? They don't have any way to glory. You can't get a clip that. That wood girth.

[Theo Von]

I don't know. You put the softball team in there. They'll. They'll hit a single at least through that thing.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Brittany Griner could get something through that hole. That's. That's what put her in jail in Russia, I heard. Have you seen her lately? She looks like Pete Davidson.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I could see a crossover. Why hasn't she been on snl, I wonder.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, Britney. Let me see something real quick. Oh, this is awkward. Thank you.

[Theo Von]

Whoa. Look at those dogs walking on water. What religion is this? The.

[Mark Norman]

Is that.

[Theo Von]

Dude, I've never. Bro, that's. Dude, this is that new, man. This is what's coming now, right? This is the new Christianity. This will be a story in the Bible, one day, Brittany Griner shoots a three pointer.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, she looks like Deuteronomy.

[Theo Von]

Damn, that was good.

[Mark Norman]

Ah, thanks, God, bro.

[Theo Von]

That's a pretty decent start for an episode. I feel like hell.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Well, I love Nashville. I love this town. We did the Ryman last night, did Zany's after that.

[Theo Von]

Drop your mic down a little bit.

[Mark Norman]

Went to Kid Rock's house. It was a long Kid Rocks. Yeah. We were just out with Tony and Tony's like, I got a surprise for you. We jump in a car, we drive a half hour, and we did it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And what a. What a home.

[Theo Von]

Oh, you go to. There's definitely. Was it just him there? Was it. Was it other people?

[Mark Norman]

It was just him and, like a security guy.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[Mark Norman]

And maybe a slave. I mean, it felt like it. Big jacked, scary, like Marine looking guy.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. A lot of those guys love to cook when they're not fucking, like sniping fucking Gazans on behalf of Israel. But yeah, dude, he build that wailing wall, dude. I heard the wailing. While this is the most Israel thing ever, the wailing. Was an ATM in it? Is that.

[Mark Norman]

That's hilarious.

[Theo Von]

Is it?

[Mark Norman]

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. You need some cash out there if you're going to buy a little dreidel knickknacks.

[Theo Von]

Oh, I'll fucking spin Gimmel on that bitch. So that's all I spend.

[Mark Norman]

Dude.

[Theo Von]

They used to call me Big Gimmel in a lot of back alleys.

[Mark Norman]

Jimmy Gimmel. Jimmy Gimme Alive.

[Theo Von]

And a lot of Yiddish back alleys. They used to call me fucking Jimmy Gimmel, dog. Oh, the Willing wall. It should have at least two ATMs at it. I can't even believe this is an issue over there.

[Mark Norman]

It's got to have one. Or at least a glory hole. Definitely get that. No foreskin through there.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, only in the glory holes in Israel it says FDIC insured. That's FDIC insured, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Nice. There it is. There it is. Holy shit.

[Theo Von]

The only kosher ATM in the world. That's hilarious.

[Mark Norman]

It just takes money from Palestinians. It's not even your account.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[Mark Norman]

Holy moly. That's hilarious. Wow.

[Theo Von]

Speaking of going abroad, you have shows coming up abroad, man?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm very excited. Going to London, going to Australia. I love those crowds.

[Theo Von]

You do?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. I mean, the flight's a. And you get homesick and the jet lag's a. A real cum guzzler, but I love Australia. I'm pumped. Do you ever go?

[Theo Von]

Yes, man. You have to. Where are you going over there? Let me see some of his dates here. You're going to Rej.

[Mark Norman]

I think that's Iceland, right?

[Theo Von]

Rick Yerberg, Ravic. A. Reykjavik. That's how they say it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I think so.

[Theo Von]

Oh, Reykjavik, Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

It looks like somebody's texting with T9. Look at those vowels and consonants.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Jesus. That's like a drunk text.

[Theo Von]

Salford, United Kingdom. Cardiff, United Kingdom. Bristol, United Kingdom. Birmingham, London. Glasgow. You're going to. Oh, yeah, get a smash burger, lad.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, get a Glasgow smile. That's where they cut you from here to here. Terrifying. Those Scots are really scary.

[Theo Von]

That's going to be incredible, dude. So you have those shows coming up. That's everywhere over there.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah. Doing the whole gamut, Just taking a train from top to bottom. It's kind of shitty because you don't get to see anything. You just do the show and then you leave. Yeah, but the crowds are great and it's. It's a fun time.

[Theo Von]

You have a couple days off.

[Mark Norman]

Couple days off, yeah. Not much, but I get so keyed up, I got to get back, so I just do the shows and I go home.

[Theo Von]

Well, it's hard. That's one of the things people don't realize. You go to these places, people are like, stay. Do this and that. But then, like, you do five, six shows, you're on the. You're on the road then for two weeks kind of, you know.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Or, you know, you try to get into. And it's like, well, how long you want to be over? You're gonna be over there for three weeks, a month.

[Mark Norman]

I know. You start. I get that fomo, like, what's going on in America? You start looking at JD Vance. Memes are like, oh, I miss home. He's fat. Putting Cheeto dust on a. On a president.

[Theo Von]

They had one the other day that said he has up syndrome. This is a picture of J.D. vance has up.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's funny. Look at that guy. I think he loves it too, which is fun about him.

[Theo Von]

Oh, he has the best sense. I bet he could. I honestly, I should send him one of these and see what he thinks about it.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I bet he's seen all of them. I would just scroll through those at dinner if I was him.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

And look, you can't do that with Obama. You know, that's a. That's a different meme, if you know what I mean. So it's good to have him be into it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I gotta see which ones he's into. I think I would like to try and get to interview him again because now he's in there, Right? I bet it's weird in there.

[Mark Norman]

Well, in the White House, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you see Kid Rock over there dressed like a fire. Firecracker salesman.

[Theo Von]

Oh, he was dressed like a fireman at a glory hole.

[Mark Norman]

Yes. Yeah. Fire crotch.

[Theo Von]

Dude. He was dressed like the grand wizard of cracker Jack.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, look at that. It looks like he's selling used cars in. In Bristol, Tennessee.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude, definitely. Dude. This guy looks like he could fucking sign the constitution with his cock. Dude, this guy's unbelievable.

[Mark Norman]

John Hancock.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Look at this. That is a while. He's like a. He's a gay tree. It.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, brother. That's it. Dude, if this photo alone doesn't get the tiger king out of prison.

[Mark Norman]

Right?

[Theo Von]

What are we even doing?

[Mark Norman]

And this has got to scare the. The foreigners. If I was a Chinese motherfucker and I saw that, I go, we can't fuck with them. Look at this guy. He's like. Like an av.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, they're like, we made that shirt, but we didn't know he'd wear it like that.

[Mark Norman]

You think Zalinsky sees that and he's like, I really didn't dress up. Holy. I dress like a ninja.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Yeah. He's like, oh, I should have really showed up. He looks like the pilot for Malaysian Flight 370 or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

The one that went down. Yeah. Where'd even get that made? I mean, that's great.

[Theo Von]

The one that went down on Key west, bro. That's a. That thing landed on a. Yeah, well, the.

[Mark Norman]

The flights have been. I think they've picked it up a little bit, but we had some crazy flights for a while. Like, upside down and inside out. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Trying to show all these people what it's all about. Dude, they had Run DMC flying one of the planes.

[Mark Norman]

Run di. But yeah, look at that upside. That's almost. It's like the movie flight with Denzel.

[Theo Von]

We ride here, dude. And you have to listen to DMX when you get out of that plane, Right? There's no way. The plane's upside down and now we have to exit. There's no way I don't put a fucking. I don't bounce a track on my phone right there, dude. I put run. I put on probably some dmx.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

As you walk out, what you really want. What you really want from a flight?

[Mark Norman]

I want some peanuts and an up. Upright plane. It's a wacky time.

[Theo Von]

There was something you had. I want to talk to you about a bunch of stuff. You have a new child.

[Mark Norman]

Yes. Yes. Not mine.

[Theo Von]

I can't.

[Mark Norman]

Matt Rife. He got it there.

[Theo Von]

Dude. Unreal. And a lot of people thought Matt Rife is that guy who's trying to live forever. Whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Well, he's got that beautiful face. He's shiny. Oh, he looks new.

[Theo Von]

He looks very. Yeah, A lot of people thought that. That's Matt Rife. Brian Johnson.

[Mark Norman]

This guy. Why does the guy who lives forever have to be annoying? You know, you want. You want. The guy's gonna live forever. You'd like him to be fun.

[Theo Von]

I know. Dude, why couldn't the guy that lives.

[Mark Norman]

Forever be like John Daly? To live forever, you know?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Although he'll die tomorrow.

[Theo Von]

Well, especially because Hooters just went bankrupt, which is crazy.

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Theo Von]

He was keeping it in business.

[Mark Norman]

Dude, I bet. I bet. Yeah. That guy could house some wings, bro.

[Theo Von]

And he would walk in. It would always be empty. Restaurant chain Hooters goes bust and files for bankruptcy protection.

[Mark Norman]

What is this? The Asian version?

[Theo Von]

And there is a. And if you can't see on the YouTube, on the video right now, there is a picture of all Asian women.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Theo Von]

In Hooters pit in Hooters attire. Where's that photo taken? Can you give me some information? Can you scroll up or down or something? There you go. Chinese waitresses dressed in orange shorts and T shirts cheer while welcoming the arriving guests at the Hooters restaurant in Beijing.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, damn. They're stealing everything from us.

[Theo Von]

They got it. Hooters is going bust. The US Restaurant chain known for chicken wings and it's skinny Hooters girls Wait staff outfits has filed for bankruptcy protection.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Theo Von]

HOA Restaurant Group file for the motion for chapter 11. It's the latest legacy restaurant chain of running into financial trouble amid high food and labor prices. Well, is that really why?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. I saw a couple of porkers in there on the last few years.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Let's just say that they got probably so many articles saying that they couldn't hire good tits in there anymore.

[Mark Norman]

Right, Right. You got to be inclusive.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

So you got to get the wheelchair hooter. You got to get the downsy hooter.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You got to get an actual owl in there. It's like, sure. What are we doing?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it's. It's a tough time. It. It's the end of an era, but we still got twin peaks. Ooh. Just a sleeper that they just kept low and didn't talk and now they're still around.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's like the Utah tits. Those tits are clean over there.

[Mark Norman]

And they're like the Kieran Culkin.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

McCully's gone. He was hot for a while, but now Kieran's taking over. We gotta go to Beijing.

[Theo Von]

God.

[Mark Norman]

Dude, I gotta be honest. I never felt comfortable to Hooters. Like, I like tits, I like wings. But I felt weird. It's just some. Some girl named Stacy who's trying to make a few bucks. And I'm like, can I look at her? Can I not look at her? What would I do here?

[Theo Von]

A lot of them are like, I'm a model. And it's like, all right. Like, what are you, you know, Will you model those sodas over here for me? Like, not in a bad way, but it's like, look, I want to support your modeling. I will tip a little bit extra.

[Mark Norman]

Sure.

[Theo Von]

But we want to eat, too. I don't want to.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes. And then am I supposed to ogle you? Am I a creep? I never know what to do, Right?

[Theo Von]

Are you just a waitress? Are you?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it was a gray area.

[Theo Von]

If I have you sign my 11 year old son's back with a Sharpie.

[Mark Norman]

Right, right.

[Theo Von]

Sick dad or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly. And then do I tip you by putting the money in your G string, you know, like. Like a strip club. At least, you know, we're all here to see tits and ass. Everybody's on board.

[Theo Von]

Right. Hooters was this vague thing where like, hey, while you're a pervert, order like, right, let's get some protein in you.

[Mark Norman]

And then if you go. Sometimes you go with a girl. Like, you'd be at a work, work lunch and the whole gang would go. And you're like, I got this lady here. She's in HR and she's fat. Now we got the hot blonde. The whole thing is awkward.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

And then you try to make it equal. You're like, oh, well, they should have a place called Nuts that we could take you. Shelly, you know, she's like, I'm good.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. And she's been losing her hair because she has, like, iron deficiency or something.

[Mark Norman]

Anemia.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that'll get you.

[Mark Norman]

That was my black X. Yeah, dude.

[Theo Von]

Hooters are shutting down. John Daly is going to have nowhere because, you know, he. He used to live in a Hooters. He lived in a. I could see that. Didn't John Daly live in a Hooters? Bring that up.

[Mark Norman]

No way. I thought you were joking. That's amazing.

[Theo Von]

John Gruden had an office, apparently, at Hooters headquarters, and John Daly had a special sleeping room in there.

[Mark Norman]

Shut the up.

[Theo Von]

Where'd they hear that? Oh, on the most recent episode of Theob On's this past weekend podcast. So. Hold on.

[Mark Norman]

You're your own reference.

[Theo Von]

Hey, dude. This is where we are. Dude, I saw John Daly overdose on gym one night and had to get carried out of a restaurant. Not even a bar.

[Mark Norman]

Hell, yeah.

[Theo Von]

That's awesome, man.

[Mark Norman]

He's like a superhero, this guy.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, he's. Dude, he's definitely him. Kid Rock. Now we have a superhero.

[Mark Norman]

Yep.

[Theo Von]

We have our Avengers.

[Mark Norman]

Dude. Yes. We need some more in there.

[Theo Von]

We need a good woman in there.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Who's a fun woman?

[Theo Von]

Oh, I know who. That lady that cooks and that said the N word. What's her name?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, Paula Dean. Yeah, that's a good one. Boy, there's gonna be a lot of N word in that kitchen.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude, look.

[Mark Norman]

Dude, maybe we should throw a black guy in just to even it out a little bit.

[Theo Von]

Yes. And to keep her on her toes.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, right, right.

[Theo Von]

Who do we get in there?

[Mark Norman]

We need a good black maybe. Oh, hold on. Kanye. That'll really shake things up.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Now we're talking.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. So he'll be. He'll be wearing the clan hood ironically.

[Theo Von]

But now it's their clan hood, so it's like, what do we. What do whites do now that there's. I don't want to say. This is cultural appropriation.

[Mark Norman]

I mean, did FUBU make that? I mean, this. That's our thing.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I mean, I definitely. This is.

[Mark Norman]

I mean, it's so weird because Elon's trying to tell everybody, hey, I'm not a Nazi. And he's like, no, no, I am a Nazi. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Oh, it's so hard these days to figure out if you're a Nazi or not. It is fucking impossible.

[Mark Norman]

I mean, did you ever think you'd see this many swastikas in 2020 if the whole world's gone batshit?

[Theo Von]

No. And they're not even pointed. You don't even know who they're pointing. Like, it's like, there's liberal people using swastikas because they.

[Mark Norman]

They're angry.

[Theo Von]

Yes.

[Mark Norman]

At Tesla.

[Theo Von]

Yes.

[Mark Norman]

But now you're drawing swastika. So these poor Jews are like, all right, well, that's. That means fuck me. I know you're mad at that guy, but what about me?

[Theo Von]

But then you also have people saying that. That American Israel are Swastika. They're using it, promoting them, because they're killing the Palestinians. So you're saying that they're the fat. Like, you know what I'm saying? It's like, you guys are the new Germany. They're saying that Israel is the new Germany.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, geez. This is too much.

[Theo Von]

That's what I'm saying.

[Mark Norman]

There's, it's just, it's so many layers.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. It's, it's like, what happened to a fucking. The business transaction of a glory hole, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly. You know, I mean, we're buying Greenland, Gulf of America. Canada's mad at us. Beyonce's doing country. Everything's topsy turvy. Alec Baldwin shot a lady. I mean, I can't keep up with all the shit. It's all twisted.

[Theo Von]

But at the same time. Is it the most exciting? Excite. It's, it's exciting.

[Mark Norman]

It is, it is. It's the best of time and the worst of time. But you could open X and you're just like, holy, my ass. This is crazy.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Yeah, dude.

[Mark Norman]

And that's, Yeah, X is like a portal to, like, crazy town.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

You're just like, oh, that's a bear attack. Race. Race riot.

[Theo Von]

Race riot. Black kids beat up another white kid at school.

[Mark Norman]

Right?

[Theo Von]

Not a hate crime.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Just a tweet.

[Mark Norman]

Just a tweet.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

And then there's like, crazy tit lady. And it says, don't open this if you're alone. And I always open it. I even have to. I'm at the library. I'm like, I gotta do it. I can't resist that.

[Theo Von]

It's like 10 reasons why apples are killing your body right now. Yes.

[Mark Norman]

And you're like, you got me, clickbait.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Huh?

[Mark Norman]

Did you see that Bill Burr thing where he yelled at the reporter? Oh, pull this up if you can. I mean, this was so cool. This is why I love the love Bill. He's on a red carpet for some thing, and a reporter's, like, trying to get him to say controversial shit, and he calls him out. I'm not going to just have some controversial moments so you can get clicks. I'm not doing that. I mean, I'm here to, For Conan. I'm not, I'm not doing all of this. What are you gonna bring up next, the Middle East? I, I, I went to summer school. Three out of four years in high school. I'm not qualified to talk about this. I was just complete warming. You said about Elon that he was ruining Earth. I saw on The View. You're critical of him. What do you think of all the boycotts, like, even the violence? I don't watch the news. I don't watch the news. I have no idea what's going on. I watch Instagram. I watch people wipe out on motorcycles. I watch lions and hyenas fight each other. This is the things that I do. And I don't think you should be asking a comedian. You're a chart of current events. No, no, that's. That's weak. That's you guys passing the buck. You guys need to have balls again, which you don't. You guys always goes, should we be thinking this? You guys present stuff like that. You guys used to have balls. You need to get your balls back. And it's not my job. I am a dancing clown. But yeah, it's so cool because he's like, you're trying to get me to say, so you can get clicks. Yeah. You guys report. Yeah, stop putting it all on me. I can get in trouble now and go viral for some ignorant. I said, yeah, get out of here, dude.

[Theo Von]

That's a great point. Yeah, it has. It's definitely become crazy now. It's like. But it's because people are afraid to speak up. Because I think all those people feel like they'll probably lose their jobs. I think a lot of them are just caught in this old system with, like, if I say anything that's truthful. That's why I think, why a lot of, like, you even see, like, Candace Owens, you see a lot of comedians, podcasters, like, people are listening to them. At least they, they're trying to figure out, or they're talking about things as earnestly as they think they can.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, well, we're so divided now that if you say this opinion, the other side attacks you. If you say that opinion, that side attacks you. So the, the, the newspapers want to sell clicks or whatever, so they're just like, we'll go down the middle. We got to keep everybody. You say the fucked up shit and we'll report about it. Yeah, it's. It's, it's gross.

[Theo Von]

It's a great point. He said, it's passing the buck. Where's the fucking. How was it that, like, even during the first year of, like, the Gaza thing, that not one mainstream network guy was like, hey, this seems kind of up.

[Mark Norman]

Is that right? I. I thought people were talking. I guess it's mostly Internet people.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I think it was more Internet people, but it was kind of like, hey, this, you know, or even just any side. Like let's get one interview from a Palestinian guy.

[Mark Norman]

Oh yeah, yeah, true.

[Theo Von]

That shit was just kind of crazy. Hey basketball fans, are you ready to win real money? Well, check out pick six from DraftKings. When it comes to basketball payouts, DraftKings pick six dunks on its rivals, including prize picks. Just select two or more players. That's how you do it with DraftKings Pick Six and you choose if they'll have more or less of a certain stat like points, rebounds, three pointers and more. Pick six is available in most states, including California, Texas, Georgia, Missouri and more. Don't settle for a smaller payout. Switch to pick six and cash in your basketball knowledge. New players get $50 in pick six credits instantly on just a $5 entry. Download the DraftKings pick six app now and use code the O. That's code THEO for new customers to play $5. Get $50 in pick six credits. Better payouts, bigger wins only with pick six from DraftKings the crown is yours.

[Mark Norman]

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[Theo Von]

1 per new customer bonus awarded as non withdrawable.

[Mark Norman]

Pick 6 credits that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer.

[Theo Von]

See [e-mail] promos UFC 314 is on the way. It's a stacked pay per view card taking place live from Miami, Florida. In the main event, Alexander Volkanovsky returns to face top contender Diego Lopez for the vacant Featherweight championship. That's gonna be a banger. Michael Chandler also takes on Patty the Baddie Pimblett in a five round co main event. Also on the card Yair Rodriguez welcomes Patricio Pitbull to the ufc and the fighting nerds look to continue their UFC unbeaten streaks. You can buy now at espnplus.com t h e O or click the link in the description below. That's UFC 314. It's this Saturday at 10pm Eastern time. Only on ESPN plus pay per view you can guarantee I will be getting it. You can buy now at espnplus.com t h e O or click the link in the description below. Pitbull coming over from Bellator. Yair Rodriguez, one of the greats. You got Volkanovsky versus Lopez. It's gonna be a banger. You have a you Have a new show that you're doing?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I'm working on a. Like, a web series. I'm trying to sell it, but it's. It's called Page to Stage and Age to Stage. Yeah. Like, you come up with a bit idea, and then you go up at Zany's and work it out, and it's clunky. Then you work it out again and again and again, and then eventually you crack it, and now you're doing it at an arena. That's the show. So you. It shows the comic thinking of a bit and then struggling with it and then eventually figuring it out and killing.

[Theo Von]

With it and, like, in between. Oh, that's an example of it right there.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, we've done a couple episodes already, and this is episode one. We just put out episode two. Yeah. Hey, is this stupid? I'm bombing all day long here. God, I hope this wasn't an expensive ticket.

[Theo Von]

Oh, this is great, man.

[Mark Norman]

Thanks. I can't believe this has never been done. Got a dumb idea. That's how come comedy starts. You take it on stage, it bombs, and you do it again. Too far. All right, all right, we'll work on that. Oh, God, we're supposed to be there.

[Theo Von]

What else do you do here? You, like, break. You break down the bit with other friends. Yeah, work on it.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly. Like me and Sam Morrell or Chris DiStefano. We'll sit at the cellar and chop it up and try to figure out where the funny is and what angle to go with.

[Theo Von]

You guys have so many just artisans up there.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. It's like. It's comedy college over there.

[Theo Von]

Chefs. You guys have chefs?

[Mark Norman]

Yes. Yes, exactly.

[Theo Von]

We're down here selling Hooters to people.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. But this is fun of this, Shane. This is fun as hell, though. I love Nashville. I mean, you got the Zany's. Just open another room. I mean, you guys are cooking.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I've been in there. That lab over there. It's great.

[Mark Norman]

Great room. So, yeah, this and each episode will be a different car. I do the first one, then it'll be, you know, Ronnie Chang and Michelle Wolf. And.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, so the show is gonna be. It's just different examples of that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah. With different. Each one is a different comic working on a bit, so you could do one if you wanted or whoever. And, yeah, I want to start working.

[Theo Von]

On some new stuff, man. I've been writing a lot of stuff. I just have to get. Start getting on stage. I think I'll go down to Austin probably to work on It.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I like that. I mean, that mothership. You can't beat that room.

[Theo Von]

Well, just. Just to have this. And also there's other rooms right around there. Brian Redband has a room right there.

[Mark Norman]

The Creek.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, they have a one room there. It's called like Skinny or whatever. You know what it's called. But it's like they have Tony's room. Wait at it. But they have a lot of like. Yeah, it's like, like it's like autistic cat or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Right, right, right. Edward Jones.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, they have everything there. Like, save the, like, dude, Things there are so progressive but also way. It's like I've seen like save the N words there and you're like, that does not seem.

[Mark Norman]

No, no.

[Theo Von]

Like, it's like. Ray, it's like racist and progressive.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it's like Austin, but bad message. Yeah. Bad title.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, it's like Save the whales, but.

[Mark Norman]

You'Re talking about fat people.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

No, but they. Yeah. I mean, Austin's fun because when you're working on new, you got to be able to bounce around. You can't just do one set every now and then.

[Theo Von]

I agree. And it's even a lot of times when you're working on new stuff for. For me, it's like that third time you do it in a night, even if you don't even want to do it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Nothing comes out of it, but it's still just burning that. Like every time you cook it. You just cook it and it's like, so the next time will be good.

[Mark Norman]

Right percent you know they say when you lift weights, the one where you're like, and you can't get it up, that's the one that matters the most. And it's the same with comedy, I think when you're working on that new one and you don't want to say it and it's not really working, that's when you find it, when you just push it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I have a buddy that just started comedy last week.

[Mark Norman]

No way.

[Theo Von]

Friend of mine from AA just started.

[Mark Norman]

Aren't you glad those days? I would hate to just start now. I mean, we're. We're 20. 20 years in or whatever the. I used to watch you at open mics at fucking Lucy's Surfer bar in New Orleans, dude. Yeah, you were the guy. You had a hot girlfriend. You had some money and a cool haircut.

[Theo Von]

I didn't. Well, I had. I did have a very cute girlfriend.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I still remember her.

[Theo Von]

God, she was pretty, wasn't she?

[Mark Norman]

I think about her all the time.

[Theo Von]

I'll be honest. I think about her a lot.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah, that was. That was really something. No one had a hot girlfriend back then. We were all losers in Louisiana armor walking by.

[Theo Von]

Like some of the Saints players and they're all said, we're going to steal your girlfriend. Girlfriend.

[Mark Norman]

That sounds about right. That's what they do.

[Theo Von]

And they did. That's the crazy part. No, I don't know. But yeah, dude. God, bro. When we went to Lucy's, that was fun, dude.

[Mark Norman]

That was not a care in the world. There was no phones. There was no. We got to get a clip. There was no video. It was just. Just for the love of the game.

[Theo Von]

And they had all kind of like. Dane F. Remember him?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, of course. Funny guy.

[Theo Von]

And they made. He was in that documentary. Did you see that?

[Mark Norman]

No. What?

[Theo Von]

Doc, I don't know if he's okay with talking about this, but Bring it up. Dane. Foshe.

[Mark Norman]

I love those old Louisiana names. Foshe, Thibodeau, Landry. Yeah, it was like, remember Sean Patton was down there? Oh, yeah, there he is. Good old Dane. I looked up to him too, when I started.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude. Same bro. And also one of the nicest guys.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Great guy. And. And he was really like. He welcomed everybody. Hey, we're doing comedy. Good to have you. And that was the first time I had like a group, like a clique.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Felt like a culture, dude.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Dane's an awesome guy and. But they had a doc. He was part of a very important docu. No, it's called Our Friend. What is it? Our Friend is a 2019American biographical drama film directed by Gabriella Cal Perthwaite and written by Brad Inglesby, based on Matthew Teague's 2015 Esquire article, the Friend Love is not a big enough word.

[Mark Norman]

Geez. Did Jason Siegel, Dakota Johnson, Casey Affleck. Holy. How did I not know about. This is huge.

[Theo Von]

And it's based on one of the. I think the main character is based on him. Scroll some.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, God. Are you gonna tell me he's got some disease?

[Theo Von]

In a flashback to 2000, Matt, a journalist, and Nicola, theater performer living New Orleans. She introduces Matt to Dane, a friend from college working as a camera operator who dreams of becoming a stand up comic.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. You go.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Theo Von]

Dude. Yeah, dude. This is a very. This is a cool thing to watch.

[Mark Norman]

Good for him. Yeah. Comedy's so big right now. I mean, you're talking to presidents. Vice President Bernie Sanders. It's. It's Weird how intertwined it all is.

[Theo Von]

Well, I think everything's getting kind of bizarre now.

[Mark Norman]

You know, 100.

[Theo Von]

Everything is getting, like, turning into the WWE.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

Been saying this for years. It's like, yeah, you can have, like, you can literally. Next month you could have Wolf Blitzer fighting that. Who was that? Like, save the Whales? Like, kind of like kid or whatever that was like, representing us.

[Mark Norman]

David Hogg.

[Theo Von]

No, you are not. It was a woman. More woman than.

[Mark Norman]

More woman.

[Theo Von]

You are not speaking for us.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, Greta Thunberg.

[Theo Von]

Greta Thunberg.

[Mark Norman]

What happened to her, by the way? She jumped ship.

[Theo Von]

Well, she started. She started saying stuff that liberals didn't agree. She started like, oh, she was speaking out for Palestine. And now they're like, ah, her.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, really? Well, what about the environment? I thought that was her. She would take a steamboat from Sweden to yell at somebody on a. On a. On a soapbox would.

[Theo Von]

The second she wore that Palestinian garb, they're like, n. She doesn't even make any sense anymore.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, damn. Wow. How old is she now? Has she got an only fans?

[Theo Von]

I don't.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, 22. All right. She's of age.

[Theo Von]

Oh, we're going to hell. But hey, we're going together, dude.

[Mark Norman]

She got a solar powered vibrator.

[Theo Von]

I remember.

[Mark Norman]

Check out my carbon foot fetish.

[Theo Von]

This is crazy, bro. Are you always this funny? This is the mo. You've changed my life today, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, well, I'm hungover. I'm on no sleep. So I'm just. I'm riding off gay fumes here. No sleep. Tell Brooklyn.

[Theo Von]

No. Do you remember the other comics? They had Wild Bill? Remember Wild Bill?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, Wild Bill Dykes.

[Theo Von]

Wild Bill Dykes.

[Mark Norman]

He was on some TV show I like Bar Rescue, some like that. And that was. I was like, he's been on tv. Same with you. I was like, you've been on tv. I couldn't believe it.

[Theo Von]

Wild Bill. Dykes, dude. A legend, dude.

[Mark Norman]

But that's the thing. You had to wait to get tapped to get on tv, and you got six seconds on some weird show, and now we got the Internet, so we can just put it all out there.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Now you can just be like, hey, I'm an alcoholic, and just tell people straight up.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly.

[Theo Von]

And a lot of comedians in New Orleans were just alcoholics that were trying to stay away from their families or wives at night. 100%, let's say that factually, no judgment. I didn't have a wife or anything at that time. But you'd see guys coming in, you know, have A couple in their car.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes, exactly. We were all. I was terrified. I had stage fright like a motherfucker.

[Theo Von]

We all had stare. We all had stage fright and salt poisoning from living in Louisiana. The gout capital.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, a lot of sodium.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, they had that one comic, Black Gout, or whatever his name was. He was just like kind of an older black guy.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, well, the black comics all had, like, Chicken Fry. Cornbread. Cornbread. Red Bean.

[Theo Von]

Red Bean, yeah. Yep.

[Mark Norman]

They all had cool names. Salami Rob. Yeah, they were fun. Gumbo Jones.

[Theo Von]

Spicy Child Evasion.

[Mark Norman]

Sickle Cell.

[Theo Von]

Sickle Cell.

[Mark Norman]

Will Johnson. Yeah, those are. Those are wild times. And we all got along.

[Theo Von]

Oh, it was so much fun.

[Mark Norman]

So much fun.

[Theo Von]

T Ray, remember him? He was a pro when we started.

[Mark Norman]

That dude was a legend in Louisiana.

[Theo Von]

He was a legend, dude.

[Mark Norman]

First comic I ever saw. Remember the funny bone in Baton Rouge? Yes, they had a funny bone. I saw Chris Porter there in, like, 2002 or something, and he was killing. I still remember his act. He had a bit about. He's like smoking and drinking, they go together. You can drink without smoking, but you can't smoke without drinking. It's kind of like you can take a piss without. But you can't without pissing. And I was like. Blew my mind.

[Theo Von]

Where are we?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

God, dude. Yeah. Chris Porter. And that's when he got on to last comic, too.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes.

[Theo Von]

Remember? And that's when kind of the handicapped era started. On last comic with Josh Blue, who was hilarious, who made. Joshua was one of the best at having a disability, but also being a comedian. Right?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

But I think it definitely launched a wave of, you know. And it kind of ended with that guy who faked having cancer for Ellen or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That was bad.

[Theo Von]

That was bad chocolate cancer. What was that guy's name? Comedian. What was that guy's name?

[Mark Norman]

I think it was Bob Melanoma.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, I think it was. Oh, I think it was Jarvis. Malignant.

[Mark Norman]

That's crazy. Yeah, he. Colon cancer. Powell.

[Theo Von]

But benign. Johnson.

[Mark Norman]

You better get that lump checked out, Peter. But yeah, he. Oh, that. I feel bad calling him out, but he. He got kind of called out and then he got an HBO special. Then it all just went to.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, let's just click on that right there. Whatever happened to the comedian that. Quincy Jones was his name Jones graduated from. On August 25, Jones was diagnosed with stage four mesothelioma and given one year to live. He began receiving treatment with chemo. Friends set up a Kickstarter for him. To produce a stand up comedy special starring Jones. His story went viral after he appeared on Ellen after he raised $50,000.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Theo Von]

That's incredible. Jones filmed a comedy special at the T. Terragram Ballroom in la. Title Burning the Light. That's a great name for it too.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Whatever happened after that? Anything go to that Reddit page? Then let's get some real info.

[Mark Norman]

Well, it's a weird thing when you tell me you have cancer because then they get mad that you're alive. That's a weird place to be in life. Oh, you're still alive. You.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, we had a guy like that who had done a couple fundraisers or whatever, and he was still alive. And people would get so pissed at him.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, we gave you money. We did a GoFundMe. And you're supposed to be deaf.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, get in the coffin.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly.

[Theo Von]

Like. Like, why is he gay? Just because he lied about that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's true. But I remember back then I was like, oh my God, I wish I got cancer because it was so hard to get a special or on tv.

[Theo Von]

Totally. I was like, oh, every mole I had, I was like, check this.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, put me in the sun and some radiation on my ass. I'll start smoking.

[Theo Von]

I would put little fake moles in my arm when I went on stage. But whatever happened, though, this is curious. He may have just gotten better, which probably made it also uncomfortable for him. Is there any information. Can you scroll up or down or something? Something.

[Mark Norman]

I hope he got better. Six years old. It just says that he's still active. Oh, tough.

[Theo Von]

That's tough. Dude, you got to get into remission.

[Mark Norman]

He's like the Magic Johnson of cancer. He won't die. That aids. What happened? We used to be so scared of aids. And Magic Johnson is kicking.

[Theo Von]

He beat AIDS so hard. I will tell a story, though. I've told this before, but please. I was at a restaurant where someone was choking to death, right? And Magic Johnson was there. So everybody, they. It was like a Chinese restaurant kind of place. And so they brought out a wall. They brought out a little one of those Chinese walls they fold up. It's like.

[Mark Norman]

Ah, a great wall.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, it's like a very great wall, but it's short.

[Mark Norman]

I know those. Yeah, you could change behind them or whatever.

[Theo Von]

Yes, change behind them real quick. They brought that out and started doing CPR on the guy behind the wall. And we're all just sitting there and it's kind of like a nice place. We're all eating, but everybody stopped eating because it's like you can't eat while a guy is like choking.

[Mark Norman]

Of course, of course.

[Theo Von]

And they're doing CPR and on him. So then everybody starts kind of looking at Magic Johnson, like, when do we eat?

[Mark Norman]

Right?

[Theo Von]

He became somehow like the, like the liaison of feasting or whatever they call it in the like Greek mythology or whatever. And so everybody's like watching him and you can tell he starts to feel this pressure. When do we eat? And they get the guy back, right?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, thank God.

[Theo Von]

So you can hear him. He starts coughing. Everybody claps, right? So everybody takes one bite. And then something happened immediately. And the guy coded. The guy died right there.

[Mark Norman]

Shut up.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Holy.

[Theo Von]

Guy died.

[Mark Norman]

Now what do you do with the food? Do you finish it?

[Theo Von]

We waited like seven or eight minutes and then we ate as quiet as we've ever eaten.

[Mark Norman]

Oh man, that's awkward. They gotta wheel them out on the gurney and you got a mouthful of General so.

[Theo Von]

Oh, you chew so quietly, dude. Oh, dude. And if your wife doesn't salute you like that when you eat General Cell, you're not a. You're not a true American Asian.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, she'll get a Kung Pao.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, dude. I'll.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, speaking. You see these Yankee bats, by the way?

[Theo Von]

Oh, I've heard about this.

[Mark Norman]

This is pretty. I want to get your take on these bats. I don't know where the Yankees have. Their bats are fat as. Oh, come on.

[Theo Von]

Nuh. That's what they're using now, the torpedo bat.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Oh yeah, they. They plump them up a little.

[Theo Von]

Like in the middle.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, like a weird dick. That girthy in the middle and then cones out.

[Theo Von]

Well, that seems weird because wouldn't the angle of the bat then affect which direction you're hitting the ball even?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I think. But they engineered it perfectly. Where it just sails it. It works every time.

[Theo Von]

During spring training, someone in the organization for the Yankees had mentioned Nikki, that the team's analytics department had counseled players on where pitches tended to strike their bats. And with subsequent buy in from the some of the players bats have been designed around that information. And the hours before the Yankees home game against the brewers that day, K, who is the Yankees play by play man, told the Y Network production staff about this, alerting them so they could look for an opportunity to highlight the equipment. After the Yankees club four homers in the first inning, a camera zoomed in on Jay Chisholm's bat. In the second inning, you see the shape of Chisholm's Bat K said on air it's got a big barrel on it. Wow. And it does. It has a look towards like the one part. Like a snake digesting something a bit.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes, exactly.

[Theo Von]

Wow. And how are the Yankees doing so far? Was that just one good game to start off?

[Mark Norman]

No, they're killing it. I mean, you got four homers in the first inning. I mean, they're like they're on fire. Which they were already a good team, but now they got this secret weapon.

[Theo Von]

Oh, they're four and two right now, gang. Starting off big.

[Mark Norman]

Okay. Still no Otani. That guy's incredible.

[Theo Von]

Oh, he's so good, man. Yeah. That's interesting how, like, are they allowed to just change their bats like that? Can you look at why they're allowed to do that?

[Mark Norman]

I think it's one of those airbud things. It's nothing. The rule book says you can't have a fat bat or whatever it is.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. The idea of the torpedo bat is to take a size format, say 34 inches and 32 ounces, and distribute the wood in a different shape than the trans traditional form to ensure the fattest part of the bat is located where the player makes the most contact. Wow.

[Mark Norman]

It's just a loophole. They found a loophole that's still legal. It's the same amount of wood, but they just put it in different spots of the bat.

[Theo Von]

The torpedo bat moves some of the mass on the end of the bat about 6 to 7 inches lower, giving it a bow bowling pin shape with a much thinner end. The benefits for those who like swinging with it and not everyone who has swung with it likes it, are twofold. Both are rooted in logic and physics. The first is that distributing more mass to the area of most frequent contact aligns with players swing patterns and provides greater impact when the bat strikes ball. The second benefit in theory is increased bat speed. Imagine a sledgehammer and a broomstick that both weigh 32 ounces. The sledgehammer's weight is almost all at the end, whereas the broomstick is distributed evenly, which is easier to swing fast. The broomstick, of course. So they're saying that it's slower to swing the new one.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but it's got more impact.

[Theo Von]

By shedding some of the weight off the end of the torpedo bat and moving it towards the middle, hitters have found it swings very similarly to a traditional mod, but with slightly faster bat velocity.

[Mark Norman]

Huh. I haven't seen a bat like that since the wet market.

[Theo Von]

God. I know. Huh? Damn, that's interesting. I Wonder what other loopholes have I noticed? What other things? Well, there was a part where they allegedly deflated the balls some.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah. With the Patriots.

[Theo Von]

What else has kind of happened over the years?

[Mark Norman]

A lot of steroids.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, steroids was so big.

[Mark Norman]

I don't know if that's a loophole.

[Theo Von]

But, yeah, I'd love to talk to Barry Bonds. It'd be crazy.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, man, what a run he had.

[Theo Von]

I know.

[Mark Norman]

And he looked crazy, too. He was like a superhuman.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Mark McGuire. Yeah, him too. You could see, it's like he's pink. He's like. He's got, like, ball skin on his forearms.

[Theo Von]

Dude, can you believe that? Women, like, used to not even be able to talk that much in that crazy.

[Mark Norman]

Those were the days.

[Theo Von]

But can you even imagine, like, you're at dinner and a guy comes up to talk, and you talk to him. Your wife tries to say something.

[Mark Norman]

You're like, honey, exactly.

[Theo Von]

Let the. Let the guy. Let us do business here.

[Mark Norman]

Well, women really got screwed because, like, they couldn't really make a lot of money back then, so they needed a guy who had a house and a car and a job. So, like, they had to be nice and play ball. That's gotta suck.

[Theo Von]

You imagine the resentment built up in a lot of those women?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, of course.

[Theo Von]

That's why a lot of third generation women are squirters, I think, because it's all that resentment built up.

[Mark Norman]

That's true. Yeah. It all comes out. That's. That's. That's. What do you call that? Oh, what's the word when they can't vote? Oh, that's suppression. No, well, it does. A word where they can't vote.

[Theo Von]

We'll get it right. Voter suppression, something like that.

[Mark Norman]

Suffrage. Suffrage.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Women's suffrage.

[Theo Von]

That's women's suffrage.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, it's a streamline, brother. Yeah, that is a damn. Damn. Huh?

[Mark Norman]

You ever got a squirt from a lady?

[Theo Von]

I mean, I. Oh, I knew a gal that could.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, super soak.

[Theo Von]

She. No, but she was just articulate.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, damn. Like, she could.

[Theo Von]

Oh, she could autograph a curtain. I knew a girl definitely, that could wash your cat's eyes before you could blink them.

[Mark Norman]

It was like those. The windshield wipe squirter. You know, you clean the window.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Yeah, I had a lady. It was like a. Like a fire hydrant in a black neighborhood. I mean, she would just stand up and it would gush. It was a great time. I loved it. I mean, my bed was ruined.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude. And there's A couple young sisters double dutching in it. That's the craziest part.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Love a squirt. Because with a female orgasm, there's not really a lot of proof, right? So it's nice to get some results.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. That's David Slopper Field, homie. That thing is crazy, bro. Those things get going.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Squirt and Ernie.

[Theo Von]

And sometimes you can turn them off.

[Mark Norman]

No, no.

[Theo Von]

Sometimes a lot of Asians, bro. Sesame Street.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah. Tickle me Elmo. But sometimes you're like, enough. You got to put a cork in there or an old rag.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, dude, it's crazy. Oh, bro, you'd have to put siding on your bed.

[Mark Norman]

You need a gutter on the side of your bed just to get some runoff. You got to clean the leaves out every year. But still.

[Theo Von]

Bro, that. Yeah, you get somebody that's a real galosh. Or you'd have to. Somebody like, damn, are you from Maine or something? What's even going on here?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, you need rain boots.

[Theo Von]

It was crazy. Oh, you'd have to use that stuff that you would use on your car. It was like, rain X. Remember that?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[Theo Von]

When rain X came out, we got high. Or, like, because we'd seen commercials that would, like, make the. The rain bead off the window.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, exactly.

[Theo Von]

So we'd rain X our cars, get stoned, drive in the rain and watch it beat off.

[Mark Norman]

We'd be like, no, that's a good time.

[Theo Von]

Those are the good times, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

You want to be ready when somebody knocks on your wiener door to answer. That's what I'm talking about, baby. Blue Chew. Bluechill will get you stacked up. I'm stacked.

[Mark Norman]

I'm upstairs.

[Theo Von]

Have better sex with Blue Chew. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, bluechew is offering a combo so strong, it'll knock your socks off. Your wiener. That's right. You'll have to move towns with the amount of noise you'll be making. Blue Chew Max has arrived. And it combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. This combo acts fast and lasts. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of Bluechew free when you use promo code THEO. Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code T H E O. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. We've all been there where we. Where you sign up for something and then you forget about it after the trial period ends, and then you're charged. I was getting charged for a dang umbrella deal. I got in. I keep getting these brellas in the mail, and I'm just. Damn. I don't know. Just. Just soaked in in extra payments is really what I'm soaked in. It happens to everyone. You're charged month after month. Your subscriptions are there, but you're not using them. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year. When using all of the app's premium features, cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money, go to RocketMoney.com t h e o today. That's RocketMoney.com Theo RocketMoney.com t h e O. Yeah. What was I thinking about, dude?

[Mark Norman]

You want kids?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I gotta get a kid.

[Mark Norman]

I mean, hey, no pressure. I don't want to be one of those kid guys. You're like, you got to do it. Change your life.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Super meaningful. I'm not. Not doing that. I'm just saying you'd be a good dad.

[Theo Von]

Thanks, dude. I appreciate it. I think, yeah, I got to change some. A little bit of, like, some of my patterns, kind of.

[Mark Norman]

Well, we all have some up tendencies and all that, but did you have.

[Theo Von]

Like, how did you change your tendencies to meet. To meet a woman? And I know you have a child now, but how did you change your tendencies? Because you were kind of like a rostabout man, huh?

[Mark Norman]

Sure. Man about town. I like to paint it red, but I don't know, I just was getting older and I knew I wanted kids. And then you start doing the math. You're like, all right, if I have a kid at 50, by the time he's 10, I'll be 60. You had an old dad.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

You know, it's tough on a kid.

[Theo Von]

It's. Oh, it's tough.

[Mark Norman]

So. And I heard Bill Burr say not to bring him up again, but he was like, I should have done this 10 years earlier. And I heard that, and I was like, oh, maybe I should do it now.

[Theo Von]

And he's the truth.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

So the average age of new fathers in the United States has risen from 30.9. Risen to 30.9 years, a significant increase from 27.4 years in 1972. Wow. Actually, I thought it'd be higher, so it's going up. So it's almost 31 years right now. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

I live in New York. People are having kids at fucking 45. Like, Schultz just had a kid. He's 41.

[Theo Von]

Is he?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

He looks great.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, he's a. He's a sexy, sexy man.

[Theo Von]

Definitely.

[Mark Norman]

He looks like an old bull fighter or something.

[Theo Von]

Oh, he definitely looks like the last matador.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Look at that stache and the hair.

[Theo Von]

He looks like definitely the guy that'll turn a triple play at a glory hole, you know?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, he looks like a. Like a French villain and.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, he does, dude. Oh, he's always. Definitely had that very, like America's favorite spice trader guy.

[Mark Norman]

Right, right. Like he sells knives in Bangladesh.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, he definitely looks like a guy that'll sell you a secret.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, for sure. Definitely.

[Theo Von]

He's a unique guy.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

He's a very unique guy. Dude. His new special, I think is the best looking comedy special I've seen.

[Mark Norman]

He. Oh, yeah, it's. It's so beautiful. Like, the Beacon Theater is killer. And the way he starts it with that montage, like they get. You get choked up.

[Theo Von]

I thought it was really, really amazing. You have a child now, man.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. It's crazy.

[Theo Von]

That's insane to see you right now and be talking to you for the past 40 minutes and then realize this guy has a human child.

[Mark Norman]

I mean, it'll get taken away at some point, but for now, let it ride.

[Theo Von]

God. Probably from ice or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah, there it is. Wow. Wow. What? Sad News source reported on that.

[Theo Von]

May planner gives birth to her first child with Mark Norman.

[Mark Norman]

Look at that fat little nugget there. It's got a bad hairline already.

[Theo Von]

Wow. Very much has that Kevin from the office look.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Wow. Your wife looks great. Even post birth right there.

[Mark Norman]

She killed it. Yeah, she looked good the whole time. And she did the old C sect. So the. The clam is intact.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Fresh seafood.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah. Still oyster shucking, but yeah. You really. You really. You really get all mushy with the.

[Theo Von]

Thing being as cynical as comedians are. Right. What does cynical mean?

[Mark Norman]

Like negative and always looking at the bad, not the good. I think something like that, I think.

[Theo Von]

Well, I noticed for myself, it's hard for me sometimes. Or it used to be, for sure. And when, like something was really real, like a real moment, it was Hard for me to, like, experience it as a real moment.

[Mark Norman]

Sorry, who are you talking to here? Yeah, come on. I thought that was you, and I'm autism.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. And so was that kind of. Did that come into play at all? Do you notice that part of you come in and you almost have to stop it?

[Mark Norman]

Like. Yes, yes. But with the baby, you can't help it. Like, you're talking baby talk, and you're just, like, gushing with love, and you pour it right on them, and you feel it, and you go, it. I'm doing it anyway. I'm letting go. I'm gonna love this kid.

[Theo Von]

So it feels really real. So it's like super real feeling super real.

[Mark Norman]

I mean, that came out of your ball bag and her stomach. I mean, the whole thing is. It's surreal that you made this thing.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

And it's gonna grow up and have a personality and, you know, weird addictions and. And, you know, thoughts on races, and that's all going to form right there in his little noggin. God, it's fascinating.

[Theo Von]

Does it create a new relationship with your wife? Like, is there now some. Like, because I've heard Schultz say that, like, you know, you now, like, he would have times where he would call his wife to check on the baby and not be checking on her kind of. And so, like, he said, just there were little dynamics like that that he started to notice. Where does it make, like, a new relationship with you and your wife? Does things still seem the same? Does it that or everything's just normal? Like, any thoughts on any of that?

[Mark Norman]

It's super different. Like, you. The baby becomes the priority, so you start to forget about each other. You know, it just becomes like, all right, I'll take them for this moment. You take them for that moment. You feed them. Did you. Did you put them down? How's that going? So it turns into scheduling and very, like, calculated almost. So you got to stay lovey. You got to stay a couple. And so it's kind of like the two of you versus the baby, and you become a team. But you got to make the team fun. You can't just go all in on logistics. You got to still be cuddly and sexy and all that and fun.

[Theo Von]

And. Is it hard? How long do you have to wait before you can be sexually active with your spouse?

[Mark Norman]

I think it was six weeks. So we did, like, six weeks and a day before I went and I jizzed in her on accident. I was like, what am I doing? I'm an idiot. This is how the Jackson 5 started, you know, why would you do. I was like. I was. I had been so long that I lasted like eight seconds and I couldn't pull out. It felt good at that warm meat pocket.

[Theo Von]

So, dude, you knew what just happened there.

[Mark Norman]

I know, I know, I'm an idiot. But I hope. Hopefully she's barren at this point.

[Theo Von]

But that's like go. It's like, like walking out of a burning building, right?

[Mark Norman]

And going into another one and.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, hold on.

[Mark Norman]

And then say leaving tower one and going in tower two.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. And it says gas above the door. And you go in there, blaze up a smoke.

[Mark Norman]

I know, I couldn't help it. And she was like, what the are you doing? And I was like, you're right, you're right.

[Theo Von]

So do you think you did that? Is it almost. Was it territorial or you just partying?

[Mark Norman]

I think I was partying. I let loose too much. I. I'm an idiot, but I'm. I'm just lucky we had a kid the normal way, the old fashioned way. Everyone else is doing the IVF and adopting and all that, so. Yeah, it's nice that these kids can swim.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that is nice, man. I worry about that. That someone had a baby out of their butt. Dude, you see that?

[Mark Norman]

No, no, bring that up an ass baby. That's tough.

[Theo Von]

Well, it's.

[Mark Norman]

That's some good sperm these days.

[Theo Von]

It's the only way to get into this country. It feels like anal birth. Let's look at them. That's on apple. Whoa, whoa, buddy.

[Mark Norman]

Hold on. Anyone else hard?

[Theo Von]

God, bro.

[Mark Norman]

Jesus.

[Theo Von]

Just the article.

[Mark Norman]

That was wild.

[Theo Von]

There is. There was something on there.

[Mark Norman]

Those are bands.

[Theo Von]

Oh, there are. They'll come around. Somebody will write the article.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Is that real?

[Theo Von]

Huh?

[Mark Norman]

Real?

[Theo Von]

It has to have had happened.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. I guess it just came out the wrong shoot, you know?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, the baby, a lot of them are working backwards. It's like.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Have you ever seen those pictures of those guys that get stuck in those tunnels? Like in Jews?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, of course. But the baby, it just got off on the wrong exit. They don't have gps, you know?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, but they. It's like head towards the light.

[Mark Norman]

I guess so. Yeah. Avoid the boom boom and go with the. The clam clam.

[Theo Von]

Come on. God. Dude, that's crazy, man.

[Mark Norman]

That is crazy. It's weird how close they are. Isn't that weird? The butthole and the vagina, they're like an inch apart.

[Theo Von]

Put them further apart.

[Mark Norman]

What are we doing here? It's like Israel and Palestine. That's Two arch enemies living right next door to each other.

[Theo Von]

That's ridiculous, dude.

[Mark Norman]

And the Gaza Strip right in the middle.

[Theo Von]

What has speaking that. Has there been, like, a lot of turmoil in. Do you see a lot of turmoil in the state? In New York City?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's crazy.

[Theo Von]

Is it really?

[Mark Norman]

It's real. I mean, Columbia University is a hotbed of controversy and they deported that guy, whatever his name, Muhammad Falafel Face and. Yeah, it's.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. And one of the food trucks went missing, too, ironically, the same day. Bring that guy up.

[Mark Norman]

Is that right?

[Theo Von]

I don't know.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, I didn't hear about the. The old PETA mobile.

[Theo Von]

After all the things that have been said. That's the one where you say, is that right?

[Mark Norman]

I mean, I believe it. That shawarma is missing.

[Theo Von]

Oh, dude. Yeah, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Swarms my heart.

[Theo Von]

Oh, schwarms my heart. How is that not a shirt or. I'm sure it's the name of a food truck.

[Mark Norman]

It's gotta be.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. What do we know about foreign college students targeted for deportation? Yeah. Which one did they have? The Trump administration has set off a legal and ethical firestorm by targeting international students at US Colleges for deportation, including some whom the government alleges participated in pro Palestinian protests or activities on campus.

[Mark Norman]

I will say, to be a Jewish guy around, this has gotta be awkward. Like, I feel like there's a lot of anti Semitism hurled at them and no one seems to give a shit. Like, if you make black comments, it's like, it's a bad national news. But I don't think anyone really gives a shit about the Jew feelings.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, well, I think you have to. I think you have to be able to separate. That's a good point.

[Mark Norman]

They don't get the. They don't get the. The oppression points that other groups get.

[Theo Von]

That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point, man. Well, because I think that they've, from what I've learned, they've been like, had a tough time finding a territory to live in, right?

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

Like, historically that they've had a tough time finding a place to live in. Yeah, I think what the. What just hasn't helped has been the. In Gaza. It's like.

[Mark Norman]

Of course.

[Theo Von]

I think it's just made like. And then there's a lot of. I think people start looking then at like, ownership and oppressors. Right. And I think you have a lot of Jewish people that are super successful. They're good at being successful.

[Mark Norman]

The best. They own the weather, the Best.

[Theo Von]

Right.

[Mark Norman]

Got it all.

[Theo Von]

And so then I think it doesn't. That makes things like. I think that's where people take one bridge. Go from one thing and bridge to another.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes, exactly. And there's so much nuance, nuance here too, that people forget it's just good versus evil. But there's, there's complex going on here. It's a lot of layers. We want to just put black and white, but it's, it's true.

[Theo Von]

There's a lot of layers. It's hard to figure a lot of it out.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Mahmoud Khalil. I think that's what you're talking about. A 30 year old Columbia University international affairs graduate student of Palestinian descent was arrested on March 8 when ICE agents appeared at his student apartment building. Can you even imagine that? I would think it was like one of those fraternity things they do in the morning or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah. Like a initiative where they spray a air horn on you or hit you with a fire extinguisher.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like Sigma Alpha genocide or whatever. And they're taking you outside to tickle you until you piss gin or whatever. Khalil is married to an American citizen who's pregnant with their first child. The Trump administration accused Khalil, a Palestinian activist, of supporting Hamas and distributing pro Hamas propaganda, though it has provided no evidence to support this claim. Claim. Wow.

[Mark Norman]

Yikes. It's a tough time.

[Theo Von]

Because then you also wonder like what. Like if. If there's Israeli influence, because that's a big thing now, like how much Israeli influences. They're in, like American politics, you know?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, there's a lot. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And it seems to be a ton. I feel like America is just like. It feels like we're just owned by Israel, you know, and we just never knew it.

[Mark Norman]

I thought we own them.

[Theo Von]

That's what I thought. Oh, but here's the thing. If we're just a team, then just tell us we're a team.

[Mark Norman]

Right? Tell us anything. We're all in the dark here. Everything's going over our yarmulke. I don't know what's happening. Happening.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, dude, Everything's sliding right over that little hair wallet.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, right.

[Theo Von]

But dude, how. That's the thing. I think that would help everybody if they, they would just say, hey, this is what's really going on.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

So. Cuz otherwise I think you're just. There's still this ruse of pretending that people aren't going to maybe figure it out or if you let people start to figure out themselves, then a lot of times people go to the worst place in their minds, right?

[Mark Norman]

Yes. And you pick a side and that's it.

[Theo Von]

It.

[Mark Norman]

It's just that side. We're left in the dark. Light of menorah. Get some light in here.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Light one of the candles, dude.

[Mark Norman]

One of them.

[Theo Von]

Give us three out of eight.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Is it nine?

[Mark Norman]

I think it's eight.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Give that a check, but I think it's eight.

[Theo Von]

But I agree, dude. And also, like, how to be supportive of your Jewish friendship. That, you know, it's like, oh, it is nine.

[Mark Norman]

My bad. Well done, Labia. Menorah.

[Theo Von]

They snuck one in.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, they always do.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Look at. That's the guy they caught.

[Mark Norman]

He'll get laid off. This, though. He's got some. He's got some deported pussy.

[Theo Von]

Oh, definitely, dude.

[Mark Norman]

He's a bad boy.

[Theo Von]

He is, huh?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Mamu Khalil speaks to members of media about the revolt for Rafa encampment at Columbia University. Dude, I think. But also, dude, the shit that's going on over there is so horrific. Here's what I think has happened in Gaza recently. Right. I think they are testing a lot of, like, the technology and things that they've weapons and stuff. I think they're testing it on that place.

[Mark Norman]

Who's they? Israel.

[Theo Von]

Israel?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, interesting. Boy, you're obsessed with Gaza. This is really taking over a lot of the old brain. Well, I'm just.

[Theo Von]

I think I got. Maybe I got caught in a Twitter hole the other night.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, that'll get you, man.

[Theo Von]

I had to call Sean Ryan and tell me, like, dude, everybody, everything is okay. Right? I got scared.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Holy. I'm. But don't. That shit'll make you sad. Don't. Don't absorb it too much.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah. Let's get up. We'll. We'll get off of it.

[Mark Norman]

I mean, I. I don't know enough about it.

[Theo Von]

Sometimes it's heartbreaking. I don't either, but sometimes it's just heartbreaking when you're like, how is this going on?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Or is there something that we don't know? Then just tell us that.

[Mark Norman]

Like. I know, I know. They won't tell us. They think we can't handle it. But this is way worse. Now we're all killing each other and fighting in the street. Streets.

[Theo Von]

I agree. That's the thing. It's like, just tell us what is going on.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

You know, does that make sense to you too, or. I sound crazy saying that?

[Mark Norman]

No, I'm with you 100%. We don't know what's going on. It's like the drones. We had all these drones in New York and everybody's like, is it weapons? Is it China? Is it this? And we're like, just tell us so we can go to fucking lunch and not not freak out every day. Yeah, I just tell my niece, that was Santa.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Is it fucking Papa John delivering n words to people?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, that's a service. Service.

[Theo Von]

Remember when he had that deal, dude?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Black olives matter. I don't have black. Do black people go, papa John, what's the pizza? I thought they were more of a Domino's.

[Theo Von]

That's a good question. First of all, why don't they have more black specific businesses, dude?

[Mark Norman]

Interesting. It's like, boo, boo.

[Theo Von]

But where. Where's the black pizza company? Right?

[Mark Norman]

Right, right. Yeah, that's a good question. They like to play dominoes. Or maybe that's Puerto Ricans.

[Theo Von]

No, but still, that's close enough, right? Yeah, it's like, why is there not more? What's the top black owned pizza company? And I believe this about a lot of things. Like, where are the fucking black owned businesses?

[Mark Norman]

Yes. They're out there. We just got to blow them up.

[Theo Von]

Right? There we go. That's a good point.

[Mark Norman]

So, okay, Slimming Huskies.

[Theo Von]

Huskies. That's in. I think that's here. Yes, that's in Tennessee.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, there we go.

[Theo Von]

Dude, I met the owner. Bring the owner up. I met him one time over at Fenwick's here in town.

[Mark Norman]

Nice.

[Theo Von]

Do you save my day today, man?

[Mark Norman]

Hey, we're saving their day. Go to slimming huskies. Get a fucking pie from these guys.

[Theo Von]

Go to slimming huskies. Get that father figure omelette.

[Mark Norman]

You know what I'm saying, dude?

[Theo Von]

No, but go to slim huskies. There they are. They're the dogs right there. Who are they? Oh, there they are right there. Clint Gray, Derek Moore, and Emmanuel Reed, baby.

[Mark Norman]

Hell yeah.

[Theo Von]

Hell yeah, dude. Get the big dog special over there. The founding the trio who are also Tennessee State, you alumni. Tennessee State University, shout out tsu, where my buddy Zeta played kicker over there was the only white kid over there.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Kickers are how we slide in. Oh, yeah, dude, you know, yeah, but my buddy John Laster, he has a thing called blap and it's a black app. It's like a app for black owned businesses.

[Theo Von]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

So, yeah, that's. That's.

[Theo Von]

Get that it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Go to blap. Check it out, dude.

[Theo Von]

This is one thing. I think that a lot of cultures and ethnicities can learn from Jewish culture is how to, like, support your culture. Right?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Like. Like, we should do that. I think other groups should do it. I think. And other. Other cultures may do it better than, like, Christians and Muslims.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

But Jewish people do it well. They support their friends. They support their creations and the things that their friends make, you know?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. I mean, they had to. I think they got pushed around. So they're like, we got to start our own. We got to start law firms and real estate and diamonds.

[Theo Von]

But they do a lot of stuff, like invest in their children. Their children, like, you know, like, learning, education. I think a lot can be learned from that culture, man. Is that crazy to say that?

[Mark Norman]

I completely. I mean, I'm circumcised. So there you go. We took that from them.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Are you.

[Theo Von]

Huh?

[Mark Norman]

Are you cut? Oh, baby.

[Theo Von]

Auction off, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Call in if you.

[Theo Von]

Theo, the last inch.

[Mark Norman]

Call it, dude.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Let's talk about something else that's more fun, man. Sorry.

[Mark Norman]

No, no. I mean, I'm interested. I just.

[Theo Von]

But I think I was just curious what it's like in New York City, because, you know, it's.

[Mark Norman]

It's. You could feel it. It's there. You remember how, like, BLM, you could feel in 2020 or whatever that was. You could just kind of feel it. There was an energy. It's. It's that in New York with Jew Palestine.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

And it's heavy.

[Theo Von]

Is it?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Wow. So. Well, it's kind of crazy that two years ago you couldn't even say the word Israel. It felt like on a podcast best. I mean, you could always say Jews are great or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Sure, sure. But it's an interesting group because they're cloaked in whiteness, so you can't really tell. It's the only group like you. You don't like Asians, you can. You can kind of eyeball it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

You know what I mean? But Jews, it's. It's just like a white guy.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. You know, it's just a honk. It's like a very successful honky.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. I mean, again, Ari Shafir, that's like Jewish propaganda. I mean, that's a mug.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that is. He's working for someone.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

He coming back?

[Mark Norman]

Are you.

[Theo Von]

Are you going to be able to do an episode of it?

[Mark Norman]

I am. I'm working on a story now.

[Theo Von]

I got to work on one. Dude, he asked. I just. It's been hard.

[Mark Norman]

It's a lot of work because you got to go out and run that. It's 10 minutes of awkward, weird. Hey, is this the. Where the story should go and how do I end it? But you got to do it.

[Theo Von]

I don't know if I can get it right now. Yeah, I don't know if I can get it ready, but I think I got to do this podcast coming up.

[Mark Norman]

Well, your last one was Killer with the. The cabbie and the.

[Theo Von]

Oh, the cocaine. That was like, my first story. That was like. That was like, when I started talking about, like, being sober and like, that.

[Mark Norman]

That was. That blew up. I mean, people really connected with that.

[Theo Von]

That story was crazy. I remember one part of it. This girl, like, laying in my lap and like, we were just, like, both. Like, we both had been drinking or whatever, and I'm trying to, like, lean down and kiss her, and I couldn't get to her face, you know?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

And you get so close, and you're right there, and she's, you know, it's.

[Mark Norman]

Like trying to blow yourself. You get so close to right there.

[Theo Von]

God, that's a Adam's apple. Stops you.

[Mark Norman]

That's crazy. Yeah, I got a lick once, but I hurt myself. I, like, pulled a muscle.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that's the worst. When a guy's getting a Tortol shot because he's been tongue washing his own cat.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, I gotta do yoga or something.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Oh, that's the craziest, though.

[Mark Norman]

Dude, you asked Trump about coke. Was that. Give me. Give it to me straight. I've known you for a while. How. How scary was it having him right next to you?

[Theo Von]

Well, I'd seen him at UFC fights.

[Mark Norman]

I know, but this is like face to face podcasting. I mean, conversation.

[Theo Von]

I think I've felt for a while that things are turning into the wwe, that nobody's, like, super famous anymore. Things are merging pretty quick. It's like you have people who are coming up with, like, a crazy lyric on Tick Tock that are now selling out big music venues that bands who have been performing for 15 years can't sell out. Right. So it's like.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Theo Von]

I think everything's just getting weird. It's like you could have, like, you know, a year and a half ago, sketch the. What's up, brother? That guy was probably. Oh, yeah, for two months was the most popular guy in the world, maybe.

[Mark Norman]

Totally.

[Theo Von]

Like, everything's just. It's very strange now. So.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, there's. The lines are blurred. You'd be like, celebrity. Not now. It's just everybody's in there, right?

[Theo Von]

It used to be like, you and I would never Talk to Harrison Ford.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[Theo Von]

Or get to. Or like Kendall Jenner. You know, it's like. But now we have a chance to at least look at them as they drive by.

[Mark Norman]

Right, Right. Well, you. You talked to Shalomu. I mean, he's like one of the biggest actors in the world. You're just hanging out with him.

[Theo Von]

Didn't ask to edit the thing or anything. Totally normal. Cool dude, regular guy.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. He's plowing Kendall, which has got to be. Or Kylie. It's got to be.

[Theo Von]

It seems like they're honestly, like kind of like in lovebirds. Like, when I saw him, it just seemed like they're like lovebirds, which made you give you some hope for Hollywood because you just think, like, everything's so manufactured. But. But anyway, that's. So that was part of it. The second thing. Oh, dude. I'd had it interviewed post Malone here the day before. And so I was so, like, just burnt out.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And I was just tired, you know. But I just went up there. We flew directly there to his golf course. It was crazy. Like, rich people were everywhere.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Theo Von]

Like, kids were driving at the bottom of the pool and bringing up mutual funds and like, way different.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. That was. Was that mar a lago?

[Theo Von]

It was something fancier than that. It was like, fancier. It was New Jersey.

[Mark Norman]

Huh? Oh, okay.

[Theo Von]

It was like mar a lago or something or whatever they have up there, you know?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah. Interesting.

[Theo Von]

It was like kind of like this year, like, Italian. There it is. Dude, look at that.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa.

[Theo Von]

And, bro, they had ducks out there in the pond that were like, organized as. None of these gay ass ducks you see at the park like that are just doing dope or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Theo Von]

Eating bre from strangers. These. I saw him Paul us off. I think a sourdough line up in a straight line, classy.

[Mark Norman]

And perform damn ducks in a row.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. You could tell they were gonna be lunch if they didn't land every. Every. If they didn't land every move in sequence.

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Theo Von]

So that was crazy. Then they. You had secret service everywhere, right?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

But there's still fans. You pull in, they frisk and. And they're all like, hey, I love the thing thing. And then you're just taking selfies with them. You're holding their gun, right? You're pointing their gun at them and, like, it'll shoot, you know?

[Mark Norman]

That's the best. I love getting the working man. Like when you get like a garbage man or a cop and he's like, hey, comedy. I'm like, yes, I want you as a fan.

[Theo Von]

That's the best, dude.

[Mark Norman]

It's the best.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. There's nothing better, dude. Anytime if I'm walking down the street and I see a couple of guys digging in a hole or whatever, hiding the bodies or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Jews again.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Or funneling monies for Schwab through one of the. Those Yiddish mattress sale tunnels or whatever, I always stop and get photos with those guys. Anybody that does something real.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, yes. And those are the most sane guys, by the way. Yeah, by the way, you see that Adam Carolla went on some rant where he's like, you know, we. We hate dudes, but, like, who do you think is fixing the LA fires? It's just a bunch of dudes getting in there and getting their hands dirty and building. He's got a point. And like, that's what's so annoying about politics. That's why I can't. You can't pick a side or. It's so like, Gavin Newsom's got a pocket. He's talking to Steve Bannon. He's like, yeah, these trends are crazy. And you're like. He's like, we've got too many regulations in California. Like, you're the guy, right? You're the. You do the governor, you make the rules. Dickless. Change it. Why are you telling us about it?

[Theo Von]

Well, it's the same thing with America. Even in like America supporting like the Gaza stuff, it's like, what are then your complicity? It's like all of a sudden we're complicit in it. That's. That's what makes everything so tricky. It's like, are we standing up for ourselves? Are we not standing up for ourselves? Who are we supposed to support? It used to felt like we knew what was supposed to happen.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[Theo Von]

It used to feel like we knew.

[Mark Norman]

And whether we were right or wrong or, or. Or just being fed like sheep, you still knew where to go. Even if you were wrong. You knew what. What America stood for or whatever the.

[Theo Von]

But then it brings me back to like, I think the Vietnam times when you saw those protests. Cuz I used to hear about the protester in Vietnam and I'm like, what would the. They'd be protesting like, we're doing this war. That's what's supposed to happen. But then you realize that there was a group of people who ended up being, a lot of times some of the coolest people who were like, this isn't right, right, right. Who didn't believe, like, the Propaganda machine. So it's crazy that if things could even get out, then that the same kind of. It's just so. I don't know. It's just interesting, man.

[Mark Norman]

It is. It is. And I think the. The. The cracks are opening up because the Internet and everybody's talking, and. And sometimes there's too many people talking, but you can kind of start to see the bullshit a little more now. There's more light on it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. It's just crazy because then it's like, what happens? You just got to take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones. That's got to be important.

[Mark Norman]

That's one good thing about a kid. It just. You focus. You're not thinking about Twitter. You're not thinking about this. You're just like, ah, this kid has got a shit diaper, and I got to change it. And that's it.

[Theo Von]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. So it kind of just. It makes you got one problem. You don't have a million problems.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

It's just. Get this kid to not have down syndrome.

[Theo Von]

And when do you find that out?

[Mark Norman]

I think pretty early. That's why you see less of them now. I think people are nipping that in the bud. I know it's sad because you like seeing one every now and then.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, man. Especially. Well, they started, I hate to say.

[Mark Norman]

This, the whole baby.

[Theo Von]

They got more talented over the past 20 years.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. There's a lot of models. Downsy models, they got more talented.

[Theo Von]

And I got proven wrong. I had always known that down syndrome people couldn't walk backwards. Right.

[Mark Norman]

Is that right? Whoa.

[Theo Von]

That had always been a big thing in our area, but now a woman disproved me on that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, good for her. This is like the Jackie Robinson of downs.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Good for her. Oh, yeah. That's it. I mean, I don't know that the moment has passed, but, yeah, I'll play it. He goes on a hell of a rant.

[Theo Von]

Does he?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

They give a.

[Mark Norman]

About young dudes now because they're losing their demo. They were the enemy. Young white dudes were always the enemy.

[Theo Von]

Or heterosexual dudes or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

And now they. They lost. They're losing their constituencies, so now they have to pretend to give a fuck. Sign an executive order aimed at increasing young men's enrollment and education and skill training programs. So, yeah, they're doing some catch up right now. Yeah, okay. Perhaps you shouldn't have waged war on them for the last 15 years. That would have been nice. We got a clip of toxic masculinity and all you. Connecticut governor, by the way, can I just. Let me say this. Let me just say this.

[Theo Von]

Please listen to me, everyone.

[Mark Norman]

I toured the sites of Altadena and the Palisades and Malibu.

[Theo Von]

There's a whole bunch of people with.

[Mark Norman]

Dicks and balls who are fucking driving excavators and trucks and operating all the heavy equipment. All the fucking people you hate, all the people who didn't go to college, all the guys with the cocks and.

[Theo Von]

The balls, all the guys who don't.

[Mark Norman]

Give you their pronouns. That place has been completely rebuilt by just them.

[Theo Von]

Amen.

[Mark Norman]

Nobody who looks like you. Nobody uses pronouns. No he, she's, none of your fucking freak shows, none of your Admiral Levine's. Nobody looks like that. It's just a bunch of fucking dudes who go by he and him.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, that's good.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

You need Mike Rose children in there every now and then. Dude, that's who you need. But it's a great point. It's like you're trying to build this. You're going to have places that are going to fall apart. You know, at some point, guys are gonna be like, we're not rebuilding for these anymore. At some point, you can have a military that's like, I'm not fighting this war for you anymore. You go figure it out.

[Mark Norman]

Right, right, exactly.

[Theo Von]

That's why they contract military guys in there. So they're. They're fucked. A lot of times people don't realize that.

[Mark Norman]

That's a good point. But also, the. The binary world we live in now, everything's got to be, like I said, black versus white. So women hear that and they go, oh, you hate women. You're like, no, no, we love women. Women are awesome. Martha Stewart rules. But can't we both be awesome? Why do we have to have one or the other? Like these men talking about, they're complaining, fuck men. Women are great. You're like, yeah, women are great, but why can't men be great too? Let's just both be great.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah, but it's like, I don't know. Sorry, went off on a road again. No, no, but it's just a weird time. It's a heightened time.

[Mark Norman]

It is, it is. And I think we used to go at each other racially, and now, now that, like, I feel like racial harmony, obviously never going to be perfect, but now we just go at each other. Opiniony. You don't agree with me. You don't agree with me. Fuck you, I'll kill you. And it used to be we Used to be divided up in different ways, mostly by race. You know, back in the 50s, whites only, blacks only. But now it's like we're divided by opinions. Opinion. And it's. If you don't agree with somebody, they just take it personally. And then they lash out at you and you're like. But not agreeing on everything is. I like gay guys like dick. You know, we don't have to fight about it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. We're both going to Cincinnati.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[Theo Von]

But, dude, no, that's a great point. Tell me a little bit more about that, man, because I think I fall victim to that too, sometimes. Like, kind of say that again for me.

[Mark Norman]

Well, we. Everything is opinion and. And what side you're on and what stance you take. And if you don't agree with that opinion fully or one little thing. Not even fully one little thing about it. I don't. I don't buy that part. Then they just turn on you and they go, you're the enemy. And you're like, well, how'd we get here? You know? And we got to just start going, oh, you think that. Why. Oh, I never thought of it that way. I mean, I still think this, but you think that. And can we all get along?

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Why do we get so attached to our.

[Mark Norman]

I think is we have no identity anymore. People have no identity. Everything's so E. We got maternity, modernity, we got a phone. We got UberEats up our ass. We got anything. You just get shit delivered to your house, and no one's living anymore. No one's, like, connecting, you know, we used to have a kind of a community. And this. All this shit has been said before, but I think before you actually had to, like, do shit and get your hands dirty. And now everything's given to us, and if something doesn't go our way, we don't know how to handle anymore. Where shit used to not go your way at all back in the day. Like, your kids would die. So you had another kid, or, you.

[Theo Von]

Know, it used to be your kids would die, you would have another kid, like, two days later.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. And everybody just got along and. And dealt with it. There wasn't like, a guy going, ah, my kid died. I'm bummed out. I'm doing a GoFundMe. And everybody goes, you're so brave. Good for you.

[Theo Von]

Like, right? And they would even name the new kid the same name as the other kid. It would be like, Matthew II or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

Matthew 2. Like, it was like one of those Apollo returning things or Whatever.

[Mark Norman]

It was a sequel. Yeah, yeah. Avengers 9 or Fast and the Furious. This. Fast and the Furious. This is Avengers 8.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, bro, it's so. That's such a good point, man. Wow.

[Mark Norman]

It doesn't have to be like this, but I think it gives you a. It gives you an identity and a personality to attack. Oh, Theo thinks this. I'm gonna go against Theo because I'm this. And I gotta show everybody on this. I gotta plant my flag.

[Theo Von]

Flag, right. Yeah. And that's what they call identity politics, right?

[Mark Norman]

I guess so. Yeah. It's bad news.

[Theo Von]

What is the term identity politics? Bring it up. I just want to see what it means. So I know.

[Mark Norman]

And everybody has to start us in as a white man, as a black woman, as a gay Jew, as a queefy.

[Theo Von]

Identity politics is politics based on a particular identity, such as ethnicity, race, nationality, religion, denomination, gender, sexual orientation, social background, political affiliation, caste, age, disability, intelligence, intelligence in social class. What's kind of interesting because you also have to represent, like you have to speak up sometimes for where you're from. Like, you know, otherwise your group can get totally just trampled over.

[Mark Norman]

I guess so.

[Theo Von]

But at the same time, it's like.

[Mark Norman]

But there's a hierarchy. That's part of the problem too. It's like black trans is more important than. Right, like white lady.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, yeah. Than Asian Sagittarius or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

But three Asian Sagittarius as beat one black trans.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly. It's like poker now.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

You got a royal flush.

[Theo Von]

Oh, left handed gay dude from Minneapolis.

[Mark Norman]

Forget about it. Yeah, but that's the other thing is we, we. We have to have all these different, like black, black versus white, whatever. But really, when you think about it, we could find a difference anywhere and hate somebody. Like the Hutus and the Tootsies. They're all black, but they just hate each other for some religious reason. I'm too stupid to know.

[Theo Von]

Oh, I'm too stupid too, dude. But what I'm saying is if they join together and just attacked whoever owned the land right near them.

[Mark Norman]

There you go.

[Theo Von]

Then they would make some progress.

[Mark Norman]

That's a perfect example. The Bloods and the Crips. It just, it just comes down to clothing at that point, you know, it's blue versus red. It's silly.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I. What was something you said a second ago that's really great? Oh, the.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, these tariffs are getting. Getting out of control.

[Theo Von]

Oh yeah, the tariffs are getting out of control. All the everyday items that will cost Americans more following Donald Trump's global Tariffs. But here's the thing with tariffs is the, the goal of tariffs is that if they, if it costs more for people to bring their products in, then they'll build them here.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, that's part of it. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

So it's kind of a long term play. It's going to take a while.

[Mark Norman]

It's going to be bumpy for a while. But that's if it works.

[Theo Von]

Right.

[Mark Norman]

So we'll see. But it might take 10 years.

[Theo Von]

Right?

[Mark Norman]

Right.

[Theo Von]

If we don't try this though, then I think it's a wrap.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, you think? Just go for it. Bite. Bite the belt and go for it.

[Theo Von]

I do. Because I think at this point, even from my own perception, we probably on this tour, this comedy tour, we've been probably the top 200 cities like size wise in America, maybe, maybe even more than that. And a lot of them. There's nothing there.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

It's empty downtown.

[Mark Norman]

Oh yeah, it's.

[Theo Von]

We're in Amarillo. It's empty downtown. Shreveport, Louisiana was empty downtown. Toledo, Ohio. Right. It's getting a little bit better there. But. And that's just a few, I mean, a lot of places. Montgomery, just empty.

[Mark Norman]

Yep.

[Theo Von]

And so you start to be like, nothing's gonna, there's nothing coming that's gonna make that different. Right.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe that's just how society changes and evolves and, and we just end up with like seven big cities in America. And the rest of it is just like rural land where people live and have great lives, but they're not in like a city.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And these things fall by the wayside.

[Mark Norman]

And don't, don't forget, we got automation coming. We got AI coming. So like jobs are going away quick and everything's digital now. There's nothing manufactured here.

[Theo Von]

And why do we keep building? Right. And that's one of the, that's one of the things that people say, well, even if you bring jobs back here, those jobs are going to disappear because of AI anyway. Oh, that's one of the side, that's one of the other arguments against, against doing the tariffs at all.

[Mark Norman]

Damn, Alan. I.

[Theo Von]

It's, it's weird, man. And then the weirdest thing you start to realize, I feel like is that you're just a member of your government, whatever choices they're making. Yeah, that's, that's something that's been big recently. It's like, oh, whatever choice the government makes, I'm a member of this country. But if you, if you don't, if they don't make you feel like you're a part of something. Like there, there's no benefits to being member. At a certain point you're like, damn, it's a weird club to be in.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah, maybe we got to overthrow the government. Maybe that's what's, what's next.

[Theo Von]

How do you do that, do you think?

[Mark Norman]

I think we got, we got them outnumbered. I mean, we got a lot of people here, right? And we can, you know, send out a couple tweets and texts and get everybody on board. We people have guns. You probably got a gun. So there you go. Well, we'll get in there and shoot some people.

[Theo Von]

And where do you meet up, you think a Dollar General or something?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, you know, some nice community place we all know about. And we'll meet at the. The KFC slash Taco Bell, get a meal and revolt.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, dude, a belly full of.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's a gas chamber.

[Theo Von]

Oh, when those pizzas came out, they were so good. Remember that in high school?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, the Mexican pizza. Amazing. That'll make you want to open the border.

[Theo Von]

God. Remember how good they. And when they first came out, I think they might have had even real meat in them.

[Mark Norman]

Dude, those were the days.

[Theo Von]

And someone pooped in the meat over in Mandeville.

[Mark Norman]

Really?

[Theo Von]

Oh, the whole town didn't know what to do. There were people crying over at the parking lot.

[Mark Norman]

Could you tell the difference?

[Theo Von]

I don't know if you could or not. Somebody, I don't know who had it. Now that's the thing. We never found out who had it, but they really busted it. Run a research on that poop in the meat over there at Taco Bell.

[Mark Norman]

Well, what do you think it is now?

[Theo Von]

Horse or Mandeville, Louisiana. I'm not sure.

[Mark Norman]

It tastes damn good either way. I love Taco Bell. That's probably my favorite fast food.

[Theo Von]

Suit ALLEGES feces found in Taco Bell Item. There you go. A new lawsuit has been filed against Taco Bell restaurant just months after the company settled a series of lawsuits out of court following a 1995 hep hepatitis outbreak. In the suit file Wednesday 3rd district and an. This is gonna make me laugh. An anonymous couple and their 10 year old son alleged the boy found feces in a soft shell taco. Damn. Boss bought it a drive up window at the Cottonwood Heights Taco Bell, Fort Union Boulevard. Oh, this is in my time. This is Salt Lake City, man.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, imagine eating that, that chapupa.

[Theo Von]

I know. Oh, God damn.

[Mark Norman]

You got to put a lot of fire sauce on that turd? Yeah, just to get it down.

[Theo Von]

Just to get that down?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. You ever tasted?

[Theo Von]

Huh? I don't think so. Have you had any accidentally with the baby being around? Down.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, well, they say shits on everything. Your keyboard is apparently a cesspool of flint water. But yeah, I mean, I've tasted piss.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

That was not pleasant.

[Theo Von]

Oh, I thought a little. Even during a fast. One time I was fasting for like three or four days. I was in the shower and I. You don't even realize what you're doing.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, how did you get the piss in your mouth?

[Theo Von]

I'll piss straight up.

[Mark Norman]

Damn, that's impressive.

[Theo Von]

Piss straight up? Yeah, to the top of my head if I'm standing there.

[Mark Norman]

No way. Yeah, that's. Damn, that's not easy. Especially at our age.

[Theo Von]

I can piss really good, man.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Theo Von]

I can piss pretty. I'm trying to think. Yeah, I can piss pretty good. And then you just get a. Yeah, I've been fasting. I took a side sip off that because. You know what I'm saying, dude, you.

[Mark Norman]

Gotta try it once.

[Theo Von]

I'll show them.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, It's a weird flavor. It's tangy as.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, it's very. It's kind of like hot coffee. That's what my ex girlfriend used to say.

[Mark Norman]

Really? She's a keeper.

[Theo Von]

I let her go, unfortunately.

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Theo Von]

God, dude.

[Mark Norman]

What's she up to now? Hanging out with R. Kelly, I guess.

[Theo Von]

Working in. I'm not even sure. Probably working in. At that geyser park in National Geographics.

[Mark Norman]

Hot Springs, baby.

[Theo Von]

What else do we want to talk about, dude?

[Mark Norman]

Well, I think the world is on fire. So buy. Buy some whiskey. I'm selling a whiskey out there. Me and Sam started a. Oh, Bodega cat. You got it.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Yep.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it's not legal in Tennessee yet, but we're going to get it here. God damn it.

[Theo Von]

Let me see if what we can do here, please.

[Mark Norman]

The red tape is bananas.

[Theo Von]

It is.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. It's so hard to get it places.

[Theo Von]

Is it?

[Mark Norman]

Oh yeah, you got to. It's all mob run. It's all super mobby. And you got to like work your way in. Yeah, there's all these old fashioned rules and shit.

[Theo Von]

Damn.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Sam's drinking it on Seth Meyers right there.

[Theo Von]

Oh, he took it on there.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

So bodega cats. So didn't they just have an issue too about bodega cats in New York?

[Mark Norman]

Work, probably. They're always there. That's where we got the. The idea.

[Theo Von]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, we just. You want To a bodega, there's always a cat sleeping on the bread and you always go, it warms your heart. So we go, hey, how about a whiskey that'll warm your heart?

[Theo Von]

Yeah, I love that idea. Bodega cats make New Yorkers hearts purr, even if they violate state regulations.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah, I'm sure it's a health code thing, but.

[Theo Von]

But they had rat issue there, so of course you can have cats. So you can't get mad. You need a bodega cat.

[Mark Norman]

You need them.

[Theo Von]

New York City's bodega cats are beloved fixtures in the Big Apple. But they're on the wrong side of the law.

[Mark Norman]

Law. Oh.

[Theo Von]

The convenience store cats that live at many of the city's bodegas and delis look innocent enough, spending their days lounging in sun soaked storefronts or slinking between shells of snack foods as they collect friendly pets from customers. State law bars most animals from stores that sell food with bodega owners potentially facing fines. You can't bill these guys. They're probably charging these cats to even be in the city after 4pm I bet.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, right. But you need it. It's old school. We get rid of the rat, you get a cat that's like as old as time. But yeah, the rats hate the cat. It's like a Indian with deodorant. They don't get along.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah, bro. Oh, it's that full body shawarma, brother.

[Mark Norman]

Oh yeah. It's palpable.

[Theo Von]

Oh, it's that scurry. I'll run from that if I smell it. I gotta go.

[Mark Norman]

Oh yeah.

[Theo Von]

That's crazy. So bodega cat is a new. It's a whiskey.

[Mark Norman]

It's a rye whiskey. Yeah, it's been around for a while. We're just, it's such a slow process. We're getting it one bar at a time. We got in all the comedy clubs, a lot of theaters.

[Theo Von]

Do you.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Is it down at the Mothership?

[Mark Norman]

It is, yes.

[Theo Von]

That's awesome. So if you were at the mothership, you can order Bodega Cat.

[Mark Norman]

Yep.

[Theo Von]

Is it a good whiskey?

[Mark Norman]

It's a great whiskey. We taste tested a million of them. We've, we've had like experts try it and they like it. We got at the Comedy Store, the comedy seller. I mean, it's all over really. Oh, yeah. Coast to coast.

[Theo Von]

And is it. It has alcohol in it.

[Mark Norman]

It is a big bottle of whiskey. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Okay, so you can't. So yeah, if you can't drink, you can't drink. But you could get one for a friend.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

You could watch your dad drink it, watch your mom drink it. Do you mix it with something?

[Mark Norman]

You can have it straight up. It's got a nice spice to it. Or you can put soda water or coke or whatever the hell. Bad decisions. Mix it up.

[Theo Von]

Bodega cat. Dude. I want to see you guys win with this.

[Mark Norman]

We're trying. We want to retire on this puppy. And it's. It's. People seem to like it when they try it, so get a bottle.

[Theo Von]

I love that. And this is you and Sam Morrill. Oh, that's hilarious. Serious, dude.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Just a couple of old pals. So we feel like we're. You're sober now. Everybody got sober on us, so we're like the last men barely standing. You know, We're. We're.

[Theo Von]

Shane.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Shane. He's. But he's a beer guy.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

So we like the liquor. So, like Dan Soder, Joe List, all these guys. They got. They got sober. Bert's out there.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Bert is definitely the Neil Armstrong of alcohol.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Whatever that guy is, he's just out on the moon.

[Mark Norman]

Yes. One. One small step for our alcoholism.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I'm just trying to think if there's something else we should talk about. Go through the news really quick stories if there's a couple.

[Mark Norman]

Trump had that gold card thing for wealthy immigrants to expedite citizenship.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, that's doing well.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that gold card.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Trump had that gold card. Is it doing well?

[Mark Norman]

I heard they sold a thousand of them already.

[Theo Von]

Nah.

[Mark Norman]

Which is what? What's that? That 5 million.

[Theo Von]

I'm an idiot times 1000. That is 500 million.

[Mark Norman]

Thank you. That's a lot of. Lot of scratch.

[Theo Von]

No, it's more than that. It's 5 billion.

[Mark Norman]

Is it? Jesus.

[Theo Von]

Do 5 million times 1000. God.

[Mark Norman]

We should know this. 5 billion. You had it.

[Theo Von]

You had it the second time.

[Mark Norman]

Second time. Asia.

[Theo Von]

Think Tammany Parish.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. That AI is going to take over.

[Theo Von]

He pulled out the Trump car. President Trump proudly showed off the design of his administration's new $5 million gold card to reporters aboard Air Force One on Thursday. Let me just see what it looks like. Dude.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Are they selling commemorative ones? They have to be. That's a smart move.

[Mark Norman]

But does it look like a Walmart card or like a Costco? It's got to look cool. Ah, damn. It looks Chinese. That's like Mao, bro.

[Theo Von]

So Mal. Dude. Bro. And. Yeah, but that's wild that they're selling those. What do you think about that? Because now it's like this. You can just be a citizen with 5 million bucks.

[Mark Norman]

Well, I feel like if you got 5 mil to throw away to get into America, you want to get here. And you. You're not like a. Like a poor guy, right? So you probably have. You're probably doing all right. So. Yeah, bring them in.

[Theo Von]

So it's become like a home for the elites. This has become a. It's become the Saint Tropez or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

There you go.

[Theo Von]

Of humanity. But do they still have to pass immigration tests? What is the rules with that?

[Mark Norman]

Good question. You hope so. You still. You can't just buy your way and you got to still do the homework, dude.

[Theo Von]

I'm going to do that. If I get to meet him again, I'm going to ask him if. If I can have one of those as a gift.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, my God. But you're already in. You don't need one.

[Theo Von]

But I'll stay in.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, you can frame that.

[Theo Von]

I'm staying in, Mom.

[Mark Norman]

You could use that at every bar here. You want my id? Goldie?

[Theo Von]

Sucker. Well, what does it say? Does he have any other information on it?

[Mark Norman]

Sydney Sweeney could sell a few of those to her box, I'll tell you that.

[Theo Von]

God, dude, I can't believe you came in your wife again.

[Mark Norman]

I know. I gotta get my. Together mark. Yeah. I'm an idiot. We'll see what happens. She's very. She's very fertile.

[Theo Von]

Is she?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. Fertile Myrtle over here.

[Theo Von]

God, you could throw a. I've never done that.

[Mark Norman]

You never gotten a lady pregnant?

[Theo Von]

I've never ejaculated in a woman.

[Mark Norman]

What?

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Theo Von]

Talked about this before?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

My whole life. I haven't.

[Mark Norman]

That's. Boy, you got good willpower, even when you were drinking. Yeah, man, I'm impressed.

[Theo Von]

Goodwill spunking. That's my. That's my movie coming out. The proposal aims to supplement or replace the existing EB5 immigrant investors visa program, which required foreign investors to create or preserve 10 permanent full time jobs for US workers. The Gold Card simplifies this process by allowing the wealthy foreigners to pay $5 million for a visa, granting them green card privileges and a route to citizenship. Do they still have to pass immigration? Let me see. At the White House press conference on February 26, Trump and US Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick introduced the concept of a Gold Card as a new pathway to U.S. citizenship. It's not a bad idea that there's this golden ticket, kind of, because at least they're making money off it. I'm just curious to see. They've talked about getting rid of the fed, Getting rid of the irs if that shit can happen.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. That's some big moves. Very radical.

[Theo Von]

It'd be crazy. And we wouldn't have to pay taxes anymore. Like, just.

[Mark Norman]

Well, we used to not have income tax in America back in the day.

[Theo Von]

I know.

[Mark Norman]

That came up later.

[Theo Von]

Be nice to get back to that.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, and we could use it. I mean, eggs are $9 million now.

[Theo Von]

Are they?

[Mark Norman]

Eggs are way through the roof.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. They busted more people bringing eggs in than they busted fentanyl dealers, which is kind of insane.

[Mark Norman]

Is that a joke?

[Theo Von]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Whoa. How do you carry that in? I mean, fentanyl, at least you can throw it in a. In a car tire or something. But eggs, you got to really. You got to hide that shipping and handling.

[Theo Von]

I know. That's a good point.

[Mark Norman]

Huh?

[Theo Von]

You have to walk real slow with them balancing your head. US Sees large rise in border seizures of eggs while fentanyl rates fall.

[Mark Norman]

Damn. Well, it's. At least fentanyl is going down.

[Theo Von]

With egg prices soaring due to the bird flu outbreak, border officials say they're catching more people attempting to bring eggs in the United states illegally. Italy, u. S. Customs and border protection said this week that seizure of raw eggs have risen by 48 at entry points.

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Theo Von]

In fact, sharp increases in egg seizures are outpacing borders. Official interceptions of deadly fentanyl. It's so much easier to catch an egg, though.

[Mark Norman]

Of course. Of course. You just shake a guy and then watch it run down his leg. Yeah, but we gotta get a chicken. What are we doing? Just get your own chicken. You'll be like, it's like growing your own weed now.

[Theo Von]

Dude. Make a fenton omelette. That's what I would do.

[Mark Norman]

He's gotta go, man. And then you want to do the chickens know about the egg prices. They'd probably feel pretty good about themselves. Like, damn, I'm out gold here.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Imagine the pride they would walk around with.

[Mark Norman]

Exactly. And now hooters is gone. So they're not getting chopped up for the wings. The chickens are living the dream, dude.

[Theo Von]

I quit. The last hooters I went to was that one over on the west bank over there. Oh, yeah, the one where Anthony davis.

[Mark Norman]

Look at that. That. Oh, I even realized that. That's crazy, dude.

[Theo Von]

I didn't realize that. That's one where Anthony davis allegedly knocked up the waitress. Remember that?

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Theo Von]

Who? Dad on the back, baby.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. That was a great hooters.

[Theo Von]

God. It was pretty good over there.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. But If RFK saw us eating that, he'd the bed.

[Theo Von]

I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, it'd be crazy to see what would happen. Man, if they. If they stop Hooters, we're all going to be in bad off.

[Mark Norman]

We do need better food. I think, like, a lot of people get mad about rfk, but I'm like, we are sick, we are fat, we are obese, and we are. Are. We pay the most in health care and we're the. We're the least healthy.

[Theo Von]

And racism too.

[Mark Norman]

Sure, I can't really fix that.

[Theo Von]

But you don't see somebody fasting. That's used into racial slurs.

[Mark Norman]

That's true.

[Theo Von]

You don't see somebody fasting, yelling out of their window with their last, like, living available energy.

[Mark Norman]

Right? But if you yell the N word, you better run fast. You got to get the hell out of there.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, you got to be fast. Yeah, that's a different kind of fast. One more thing. Anything else you want to talk about again before we leave, Mark? Anything?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, boy. I feel like we covered a lot.

[Theo Von]

We did. We. We totally did.

[Mark Norman]

You got to ask out Sidney Sweeney. That could be your new. Your next kid could be a Sweeney.

[Theo Von]

She's gonna be upset, though, that we talked about her breasts. I bet, in the beginning.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, but I think she's hurt at all. I mean, she. Imagine the fucking creepos DMing her.

[Theo Von]

It's a good point. Yeah. And you're telling me to DM her now.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. But you're a nice guy, you're successful, you're funny.

[Theo Von]

She's gonna be upset, though. But we're just joking.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, of course we're joking.

[Theo Von]

You know we were just joking. Dude, I just watched White Lotus season one. That was great.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, nice. Yeah. Two is good and three is bananas.

[Theo Von]

It is.

[Mark Norman]

I mean it. They. They upped it.

[Theo Von]

I can't even imagine.

[Mark Norman]

It's naughty, it's dark. And don't watch it with your parents. I'll just say that.

[Theo Von]

Tuesdays with stories. That's it.

[Mark Norman]

Tuesday stories. And we might be drunk. Those are the pods.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. I still gotta fucking come up there, man.

[Mark Norman]

Man, we'd love to have you. It's an open invite anytime.

[Theo Von]

I owe you, man.

[Mark Norman]

I know you're a busy queef. What about Luigi? I heard he's go going to the death chair.

[Theo Von]

Manioni.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Theo Von]

Did he really?

[Mark Norman]

I heard he's getting the. The death penalty. Maybe I'm wrong, but yeah. Look at that guy.

[Theo Von]

Kind of pisses me off, man.

[Mark Norman]

The Irony. Well, it sucks that he did this, you know, you shouldn't go around killing people. But it didn't change anything. That's the worst part.

[Theo Von]

Well, it just shows you, man. I mean, I saw. Luigi Mangione facing a slew of federal and state charges in the slaying of healthcare CEO Brian Thompson could be sentenced to death if he's convicted of federal murder charges in what criminal justice experts say was a rare but unsurprising move to pursue the death penalty by the Justice Department this week. Wow. Damn, dude. Remember? Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that she's instructed federal prosecutors to seek the death penalty for mangio in 2026. Dude, remember what happened with those Epstein binders? Remember that?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, yeah. That and the jfk, that just kind of went away.

[Theo Von]

Well, I think there was nothing new in the jfk, Right. I think everybody just kind of like. It feels like there's nothing new there. But remember the binders? They gave them all to these, like, six, like, kind of bizarre influencers.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

And it. Look how. I mean, bro, how staged. This is the most staged thing ever, right?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. And they kept me like, today's the day, it's coming out. And you're like, what are you doing of me?

[Theo Von]

And then nothing has happened since then.

[Mark Norman]

No. They're edging us with this list.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. How could it take this many years? How fake or procured. It's almost like you're just. I bet in the background they are threatening everybody. You're going to be on this list.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

If you don't file suit right now.

[Mark Norman]

That's got to be it. It's leverage.

[Theo Von]

And then look at this. Binders.

[Mark Norman]

It's.

[Theo Von]

I mean, how fake is that?

[Mark Norman]

Well, we got just Lane. She's just sitting in a jail cell. Let's talk to that bro.

[Theo Von]

Who is it?

[Mark Norman]

Just Lane Maxwell. She did all the recruiting.

[Theo Von]

Oh, yeah. She was like the. She did the college recruiting or whatever.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Theo Von]

She ran the portal.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, exactly. The portal. Yeah. She's around. We could talk to her, but. No, that's a good point.

[Theo Von]

Where is she? What is she up there?

[Mark Norman]

She's sitting in a jail cell, like, living it up.

[Theo Von]

It's getting interesting in the world, guys. If you want to live in an interesting time. This is it. This is it. You like playing the game Clue? This is it, man.

[Mark Norman]

That's it. Every day is Clue. You know, it's a school shooter in the home room with the ak.

[Theo Von]

Yeah. Every day. Dude, the pelicans suck still.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Yeah, they fucking suck.

[Mark Norman]

What Else is new.

[Theo Von]

Yep, that's it. Saints. You hopeful for them next season?

[Mark Norman]

Always. Always. I feel like we got one super bowl win in 2010, and it's. It's all downhill. But we had the. The super bowl in. In New Orleans. Looked amazing. Did you go? No, I killed it. I was texting Gillis. I was texting Bert. Like, I had so much fomo because, you know, we're from there, and it was just.

[Theo Von]

We should have been there.

[Mark Norman]

The city was alive. We should have been there. I just had a kid, so I couldn't leave.

[Theo Von]

Oh, that kid's only a couple months old.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Two months. Wow. Crazy.

[Theo Von]

Is it? Do you really miss it when you're gone from it?

[Mark Norman]

I do. He's in the car right now, but.

[Theo Von]

You're lying.

[Mark Norman]

No, no. But, yeah, he's.

[Theo Von]

God, order him a coffee or something. That's a lot, man. Congratulations, dude. I feel bad. I feel like I didn't ask you enough about your kid.

[Mark Norman]

No, no, no. It's. Everybody's got a kid. It's. Retards and crackheads have kids. You know, it's not that. It's not that big of a deal.

[Theo Von]

But is it fun having a kid in the city, or does it make you start to think about moving out?

[Mark Norman]

Well, I got. I got lucky. Me and the lady, we had the kid on the way, so we moved to Brooklyn. We got a backyard, we got some space, so that helps.

[Theo Von]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

But I just. I like New York.

[Theo Von]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

So we're staying.

[Theo Von]

You're an energy. You like. You're that guy.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Comedy.

[Theo Von]

Mark Norman. Thanks so much, dude. You have your new series that's on YouTube.

[Mark Norman]

It's on Punch Up Live, which is like a paywall kind of thing. So go to punchuplive.com page of stage.

[Theo Von]

Okay. Page to stage.

[Mark Norman]

You got it.

[Theo Von]

And. And you have your two podcast Tuesdays with stories.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yep. And we might be drunk.

[Theo Von]

We might be drunk. Mark Norman, thanks so much, dude. Have a blast at Kill Tony, man. And we can even say you're doing it. And.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Theo Von]

Who that, dude?

[Mark Norman]

Who that for life. Good to see you, buddy.

[Theo Von]

You too, man. Thank you, bro.

[Mark Norman]

Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone but when.

[Theo Von]

I reach that ground I'll share this.

[Mark Norman]

Peace of mind I found I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take.

[Theo Von]

Podcasting was a revolution until big tech and big money started rewriting the rules. What's a podcast? The revolution redefined is an urgent new docu series featuring exclusive insights. Insights from industry experts like AJ Feliciano, general manager of the Roost.

[Mark Norman]

I still want to kill the word podcast.

[Theo Von]

Plus pioneers like Ira Glass, Adam Carolla, Leo Laporte, Guy Raz, and more. If you care about the future of podcasting, listen now to what's a Podcast? Wherever you get your podcasts.