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Conversation is an essential aspect of connecting with others, whether it's with family members, at work events, or any kind of get together. But I've often found myself walking away from a conversation feeling misunderstood or mad at myself because I couldn't get to the point or recall important information. It turns out I'm not alone. Most people with ADHD find it really difficult to follow a conversation and respond appropriately in the moment and but you can get better at it, and I can tell you how to start. I'm Alex Delmar, a certified ADHD coach and person with adhd. Welcome to Thoroughly adhd, where I share what I've learned to help other people with ADHD enjoy better lives. A specific aspect of ADHD brains that makes conversation difficult is that a majority of us suffer from poor working memory. This is the part of your brain that holds information you are actively working with in a conversation. Your working memory is processing verbal and nonverbal input from others and trying to formulate an appropriate response. Plus, because we're not great at filtering out extraneous information, our working memory gets bogged down with background noise, anything in your line of sight, and random thoughts. In addition to interfering with our ability to listen well, poor working memory means that we forget what we are saying mid thought, repeat ourselves, don't respond appropriately, and can't order our thoughts in a way that the listener can easily understand them. As a result, our relationships are strained, our competence is questioned, and our confidence suffers in social, school, and work settings. So here are some things you can try to compensate for poor working memory during a conversation. First, focus on what the speaker is saying instead of thinking about what you want to say. Next, tricks that might help you here are to build a mental picture of the speaker's words, or summarize the main points in your head and ask frequent questions relating them to the last thing the speaker said. It's easier to concentrate on main themes and on emotions instead of trying to remember every detail. You can check that you're keeping up with the conversation by paraphrasing the speaker's words back to them. Superficial conversations can be, well, torture for people with ADHD brains, so I'm a fan of directing small talk by asking questions about the topics I I think are interesting, like what are they reading or watching these days and what do they like about it? What's their favorite dish at their favorite restaurant? Or where's the most interesting place they've visited? It is so much easier to pay attention when you are invested in the answers. If you do lose track of the conversation. You can just admit it by saying something like I was still thinking about what you said about XYZ and missed what you last said. Please can you repeat it? Or you might want to ask a question about the last thing you remember hearing or say I'd like to hear more about that and hope that the details they give orient you. If there are more than two of you in the conversation, sit back and let the others talk while you listen for context, clip clues about what you might have missed. It wasn't that long ago that I realized a few seconds of silence is okay and in any case I don't need to be the one to fill it. Remember, people without ADHD have a higher tolerance for slower paced conversation. When it is your turn to speak, pause before responding. Picture the main point you want to make or practice what you want to say in your head first. You may realize you should rephrase it or maybe even keep it to yourself. In addition, slow down your speech. The combination of these techniques will help you organize what you want to say and give you time to come up with the right words. This should reduce false starts and hesitations, which will make your responses sound more thoughtful. And there's an added benefit of preventing you from cutting off people who were merely taking a breath not finished expressing their thought Another thing that will improve your speech in social settings is to have previously rehearsed short, upbeat responses to common topics of conversation. This might include your job, family updates, your progress on a hobby, a currently popular thing you're reading or watching or listening to right now, and why you recommend it or not, what you did on vacation, what's your favorite anything for work or for community events, it's best practice to know about recent related developments and what you think about them. You may have learned elsewhere that it's important to maintain eye contact during a conversation, but with ADHD that can be just another distraction. I tend to look at the ceiling to cut down on sensory input, which can cause people to wonder if I'm making things up. But looking at the floor makes it look like you're hiding something, not paying attention, or insecure. Instead of looking up or down, you can try to get in the habit of aiming your gaze just to the left or right of the speaker, over their shoulder, without focusing on the background. In general, to give your working memory the best possible conditions, position yourself so that you have the least number of distractions. For instance, put your back to the room or sit at the corner of the table. Also, stay calm. Be well rested and try to excuse yourself once your energy starts to flag. And finally, don't try to do another task while talking to someone. Remember, the most important aspect of a successful conversation is that the speaker feels understood. They'll forgive your missteps if they think you heard and valued what they had to say. Using techniques to combat poor working memory will help you on your way to becoming a skilled conversationalist. Thanks for your time. I hope you found something useful here. If so, please like and come back next week for a new episode of Thoroughly adhd.